CyberRecovery

[Recently I received an inquiry from a person named Paul asking if any of the early A.A. writings mention Jesus. And they most certainly do; the letter here may answer the question specifically for others]

Dear Paul: Thank you very much for writing. Yours is an important question, and it will probably surprise you to know that there were many many references to Jesus. So many, in fact, that I will only list some categories and then suggest you use the google materials on my site to move further. For example: (1) In his own biography, Bill Wilson spoke of the Great Physician—a metaphor used for Jesus Christ and often expressed by Dr. Silkworth. (2) Anne Smith mentioned Christ in her journal. (3) Rev. Sam Shoemaker—who was called a cofounder of A.A. by Bill—started writing about Jesus Christ in his very first book—Realizing Religion, and continued to do so throughout his long career. (4) Shoemaker pointed out that Calvary Mission—where Bill made his decision for Christ—was the place where Jesus Christ changes lives. (5) Bill marched in a processional from Calvary Church to Madison Square to witness—the group carried the sign, “Jesus Christ changes lives.” (6) Endless Oxford Group writings were read by early AAs and frequently mentioned Jesus Christ. (6) Dr. Bob mentioned many times that early AAs considered the Book of James, the Sermon on the Mount, and 1 Corinthians 13 were “absolutely essential to the early program;” and, of course, it was Jesus that delivered the sermon (see Matthews 5, 6, 7). In the Third edition of the Big Book is the account of where a man asked what was responsible for the miracles; and Bill pointed to a picture of Jesus at Gethsemane, saying, “There is is.’ (7) On page 191 of the Big Book, both Bill Wilson and Bill Dotson said that the Lord had cured them. (8) Early AAs called the Akron group a Christian fellowship. (8) All AAs were required to profess belief in God and accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour. (8) The Four Absolutes that were so popular in Akron and Cleveland clearly came from Robert E. Speer’s book “The Principles of Jesus.” (9) Early AAs studied all kinds of books about Jesus Christ—those of Toyohiko Kagawa, E. Stanley Jones, Oswald Chambers, Nora Smith Holm, Harry Emerson Fosdick, Norman Vincent Peale, Glenn Clark, Donald Carruthers, and even Emmet Fox—who was not a Christian though many thought he was. (10) The Cleveland Central Bulletin was filled with quotations from the Bible and carried the Four Absolutes on its masthead. (10) Clarence Snyder frequently quoted the Bible and mentioned Jesus. (11) Dr. Bob commissioned the four AA of Akron pamphlets, and you can find many references there.



You can find excellent and thoroughly documented materials in such of my titles as Good Morning: Quiet Time, Meditation, and Early A.A.;; The Good Book and The Big Book: A.A.’s Roots in the Bible; New Light on Alcoholism: God, Sam Shoemaker, and A.A.; The Akron Genesis of Alcoholics Anonymous; Dr. Bob and His Library; Anne Smith’s Journal 1933-1939; The Conversion of Bill W.; Real Twelve Step Fellowship History; The James Club and the Original A.A. Program’s Absolute Essentials.



If this is your area of interest, and I certainly hope it is, I’d suggest you obtain one or more of my titles mentioned above. They will supply you with accurate and full details. Please keep in touch. Also, please favor me with your name, mail address, phone, and a few details about yourself.



God Bless, Dick B.

:idea:

When I drink, the world looks so much more vividly beautiful. I remember good times... my childhood before my brothers depression and suicidal threats... of pictures I have seen, of paintings, of the world I saw as a 5 yr old. I can actually see a very happy future as a successful dentist with a couple of children. When I drink the world looks bright. Everything looks perfect and I'm so happy to be alive. Then... I keep drinking and on maybe #5 or 6 or sometimes even on #4, everything starts getting darker and more depressing and hopeless... especially when the alcohol is wearing off this gets bad.

So activity takes my mind off of my obsessive nature. I can volunteer for a physical job and not think about anything but that activity for HOURS! When activity stops, the thoughts return. Same when I run 5 miles or so. I don't think of anything else for that time. It's great but I have to stop. I get tired and when I stop, the thoughts again return.

Is there a way to get a natural high? One that comes close to matching that of the the beginning of a drinking session before the saddness sets in?

Hello. My husband who is an alcoholic and is now attending AA meetings is doing his best to quit the drinking...but now he is substituting the drinking for pain meds who he gets from random people I have never met. I have been dealing with this for awhile now and have reached my breaking point! He has tried going to an out patient program but got right back into his bad circle of friends. I really have no idea how much he takes...He goes to work everyday and says it makes the day go smoother. I'm just not o.k. with it! We have a 10 month old baby and I do not want him around it! Any advice???:44:

I'm a newcomer to n/a and this site.I'm looking for new sober friends to co-spond with and clean fun activites.Not really sure how this site works?I just got a sponser and she wants me to get started on the steps.So I looked up 12 step guide lines and was directed to this site ,she wants me to write about chapter 1 and step 1,and I really don't know how or where to begin.Any help or advice????

Hi all
Six weeks sober tomorrow. I am so proud.
I finally made it to a meeting. it was an id meeting and it freaked me out a bit.
I have no doubt that I am an alcoholic, I am full stop. Thank God I managed to stop before I did any real harm to my wonderful life, I think that may be my problem, feeling like I fit in. The meeting was full of people that had such hard lives, I heard every story that could possible be told in that hour and a half. I did not judge them, the fact that they even got out of bed after the stuff that happened to them made me think they were amazing strong individuals. I had tears streaming down my face in empathy. Truly they were all amazing but when I told my story I felt a bit lame. I got up and said "Hi my name is Bell and I am an alcoholic - i have been drinking too much for years, blah blah" - I talked about my depression and the way I used alcohol to pep me up a bit. Everyone was looking at me and I couldn't help thinking they were waiting for the rest of the story.
It's enough for me - and I drank more than say Tom or even Zoomie - so what were your experiences in AA.
To top it all of the chairman said at the end of the meeting - and he was looking straight at me when he said it - "be careful who you choose as a sponsor there are a lot of people here with trust issues - and people that abused trust and really let me down" I think it was a warning directly to me - and I just really don't want to be dealing with inter politics - If I can't have absolute honest support - i will do it here with you guys and forget about meetings.
I don't want to give up just yet - i will go a few more times and I will try a few other meetings - but I am feeling a bit confused about my experience and if you have any thoughts or clarity for me - i would really appreciate it.
Thanks All
Honey Barbxxxxxxxxxx

~*~A.A. Thoughts For The Day~*~
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(\ ~~ /)
( \ (AA)/ )
(_ /AA\ _)
/AA\
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Possibility

"As soon as we admitted the possible existence
of a Creative Intelligence,
A Spirit of the Universe underlying the totality of things,
we began to be possessed of a new sense
of power and direction,
provided we took other simple steps.
We found that God does not make too hard terms
for those who seek Him.
To us, the Realm of the Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive,
never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek.
It is open, we believe, to all men."
c. 1976AAWS, Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 46
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Thought to Consider . . .

Take a walk with God. He will meet you at the Steps.
* * *

*~*~*AACRONYMS*~*~*
F A I T H = Fantastic Adventures In Trusting Him.

6 Cups of Dry Milk
3/4 Cup of Cocoa
2 Cups of Sugar

Blend it all together and you have Cocoa mix for awhile. I love it in the winter months. I usually double it because i love it so much :11:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7UJE...eature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xwzItqYmII

I WILL USE A QUOTE FROM SOMEONE WHEN THEY SAID IT, IT WAS HEARD ALL OVER THE U.S., CAN WE ALL JUST GET ALONG! PLEASE,(((HUGS))):8: It make no sense to welcome someone to try to make them feel at home when personalities comes before principles, I know i put it backwards, the Principles comes before Personalities, but not on this website!!! It's to much fighting going on, i feel like richard steel the referee. It's about to much wanting to be heard, ego, image time even though we can't see you! On the very top of the page it say's, LIVE EASY BUT THINK FIRST, also before you log on it say's cyberRECOVERY, It dont say let me try to sound profound. WE COME HERE FOR HELP, I KNOW I DO! It hurts to read two strong personalities go at it, knowing that they have principles and good recovery points and views, and knowledge from their personally recovery. what ever happen to when the student is ready the teacher will appear, not on this website anymore, use to be. CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT THE **** IS GOING ON 2 THIS PLACE WE CALL HOME ? :cry:

I am a graduate student who is conducting a research study investigating the romantic relationships of heterosexual adult women (18 years of age and older) who have had an alcoholic father.

Taking part in this questionnaire will aid in the developing research about adult daughters of alcoholic fathers.

Please let me know if interested so that i may send you the link to the questionnaire.

Thank you!!!

Alcoholics Anonymous as I Have Seen It
A Welcome, Needed, Haven of Love, Service, and General Tolerance

By Dick B.
© 2009 Anonymous. All rights reserved



When I First Entered the Rooms on April 23, 1986

When I first entered the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous on April 23, 1986, I was a very sick man—about to get sicker. Years of sleeping pill dependence; a lesser number of years of excessive drinking; and the attendant departures from acceptable behavior had left me a depressed, defeated, ashamed, confused, and frightened person.

Here are the folks who greeted me in my first few days of sobriety—a Big Book-thumping Roman Catholic; a Twelve Step-advocating Episcopalian; a vociferous and loving Jew; a newbee entrant who became my sponsor; and his unbelieving, newcomer-chasing sponsor, who became my grandsponsor. There were others who gave me their phone numbers, phoned me, invited me to follow them wherever they went, and almost uniformly insisted that I should not drink, no matter what. And I didn’t. Without their persisting friendship and help, I doubt that I would have stayed sober or stayed in Alcoholics Anonymous. But I did both—I’ve done both ever since--to this very date.

The Folks I Met in Meetings

I went to meetings every day. I was told to do so. Some invited me to watch football. Some wanted me to join them in playing baseball. Some invited me to study the Big Book. Some urged me to get a “commitment” of service—greeter, chair procurer, cleanup person, birthday person, and later secretary, treasurer, and General Service Representative.

There were lots of women who gave me hugs, offered their suggested experience, and showed up with regularity. One lady “trained” me to take over her position as treasurer of my Sunday night meeting. She encouraged me to come to group picnics. She was a Roman Catholic, but I never once heard her question me about my religion, my reading of the Bible, or my mention of God.

There were the indispensable life-savers who soon appeared. A former nurse who saw me have a grand-mal seizure at a large meeting and insisted that I need an ambulance. A Buddhist chanter who invited me to come to a regular A.A. outing in Yosemite Valley, then to a regular A.A. outing at the Russian River, and then to speak at an A.A. Christmas meeting of which he was chair. A Jewish man my age who gave me rides; called every morning on the phone to say, “God loves you;” talked frequently about God and his prayers to God; and handed out little inspirational cards. Later he gave me a gold plated emblem for an A.A. birthday. An African American named Willie who appeared regularly to tell us that he no longer got drunk, or got in fights, or went to jail—and was celebrating his 5 year sobriety birthday. A young contractor who asked me to call him any time when I was frightened or having difficulty; and who answered the phone cheerfully as I desperately reached him about 3 A.M. He was responsible for my regular, semi-annual attendance at an A.A. inspirational retreat called “Westminster Woods.” Though I shared a great deal about my reliance on God and study of the Bible, not a one of these people ever rebuked me privately or publically, or tried to suppress what I did.

Hospitals and Institutions

After I had my seizures, I spent a month in a rehab program. I was still very sick. But I made friends with these fellow-patients--a *****, several addicts, a lesbian, a former neighbor whom I had disliked, and a substantial group of older men who met weekly and constantly encouraged me. It was only several years later, after I had chaired a meeting at the hospital and had led a Step study for patients, that a newly hired program director called me on the phone and insisted that I could not talk about God in front of patients—after which I quit as a volunteer.

Then there was the Veterans Administration Psychiatric Ward in San Francisco where I spent two months as a patient filled with hypomania and fear. I asked if I could take patients from the alcohol and mental wards to A.A. meetings in San Francisco; and permission was not only granted, but I was given street-car tokens to pay for transporting the guys to A.A. There was also an old codger who showed up every Wednesday to conduct a Big Book meeting for patients and awarded a free book to someone attending and who wanted one. No discussion of Bible, religion, church, or “spirituality.” Just service and concern.

Finally, there was the California (Correctional) Medical Facility in Vacaville. There, as a prisoner, I was in the company of a Chinese prisoner, a Jew, an African American, and a couple of others seeking to change. I led most of them to Christ, conducted Bible studies on my bed, and held A.A. meetings for the group. Three of them came to see me some time later after they had been released. I had picked up the Chinese fellow on his release, and he became active in the East Bay A.A. fellowship. After his release, I flew another man from Ohio to California to meet with my A.A. sponsees who were in our Bible fellowship; and he had become a Christian and had recovered from alcoholism and addiction. In prison—after I had worked with him there. A third man showed up at an A.A beginner’s meeting in Marin County, and he was sober. Before his release, he had written me a letter detailing his surrender to God and telling me he would look me up.

The Folks I Sponsored

After 23 years of sobriety, I am sure I have approached more than one hundred people at A.A. meetings, asked them to tell me their stories, agreed to be their sponsor, studied the Big Book with them, taken them through the Twelve Steps, urged their participation in all of A.A., often led them to Christ, and also brought them to our weekly Bible fellowship.

On joining A.A., I had quickly caught the “newcomer fever.” The Golden Rule and the Sermon on the Mount were almost doctrinal in early A.A., and I had no difficulty recognizing that I was to do for others what had been done for me. Later, I was to learn how deep was the commitment of early AAs to God, His Son Jesus Christ, the Bible, prayer, and witnessing to others. It’s the most exciting and rewarding activity anyone can seek and apply in A.A.—even today.

Who were some of these folks I sponsored? A Jew, three African Americans, two Native Americans, a person of oriental descent, a Hawaiian, two men of Mexican descent, two gays—one with AIDS, several Roman Catholics, a Lutheran, an Episcopalian, a Methodist, a couple of Baptists, a Christian Science student, some Assembly of God adherents, two or three women, a young man of 16, an older man of 90, and a large number of others who simply told me, when asked, that they believed in God and wanted His help. And were willing to go to any lengths to get it.

My Belated Discovery of A.A. History

I was not long a member of A.A. before I realized how few of the people I had met were really conversant with their own basic text, Alcoholics Anonymous. Worse, they certainly seemed sadly lacking in information as to how to “take” someone through the Twelve Steps. For me, this therefore called for some reading, some asking, and finally some frequent attendance at the Big Book Seminars conducted by Joe and Charlie in Sacramento. I also had the good fortune to befriend Frank Mauser, the A.A. General Service archivist, and later A.A.’s first archivist Nell Wing. I met the archivist for Founders Day in Akron, the archivist for Dr. Bob’s Home in Akron, and Ozzie and Bonnie Lepper who had renovated the Wilson House in East Dorset, Vermont. All of this helped lead me to the question (and answer): Did our Heavenly Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Bible play a vital role in the origins, history, beliefs, program, and successes of the early A.A. Christian Fellowship founded in Akron in 1935? The answer was, “Yes.”

I began traveling, interviewing, researching, collecting, and writing on the subject of A.A. history and found so many erroneous ideas floating around that I realized it was not going to be a one-shot endeavor. The origins of A.A. ideas through the evangelists, the rescue missions, the YMCA, the Salvation Army, and the United Christian Endeavor Society seemed unknown or at least unmentioned. A.A.’s connection with the Bible had all but vanished from mention. It is still only a silent relic among many. The contributions of religious literature, Christian devotionals, the teachings of Dr. Bob’s wife, and even the important role of Rev. Sam Shoemaker in the writing of the Twelve Steps lacked accurate reporting and definition. And the supposed relationship of A.A. to the “Washingtonians,” the “Emanuel Movement,” Emmet Fox, and the Oxford Group had been misreported, misunderstood, or distorted. Hence this has all engaged my writing over the past 19 years. And to my joy, I have found a hunger among thousands of AAs, NAs, Al-Anons, members of the clergy, counselors, therapists, physicians, treatment program directors, and historians to get the facts straight.

What’s the Point!

More than it ever was at its founding, A.A. has been under fire from some Christian writers, from several Bill W. critics, from “psychoheresy” folks, from the Orange papers, from atheists, from cult-chasers, from scientists, and from offshoot organizations.
And that’s to be expected. A.A.’s cofounders were hardly perfect. Despite what some writers have said, A.A.’s cofounders were Christians, but their behavior after sobriety was not always what some would like to have seen—in the areas of spiritualism, LSD, adultery, money matters, and the like. But the program they spawned did not formally endorse, embrace, or espouse these activities. Their Christian beliefs and practices speak loudly as proof of the approach they took initially to recovery and to their fellowship.

I have tried to explain what that program did for me many decades after its founding, and to urge the public to learn what the highly-successful, early A.A. really was like, how “the God of the Scriptures” (as A.A. cofounder Bill W. identified Him) figured so strongly in its early success, and how God’s power and love are still available today for those who want God’s help.

And now about tolerance. A.A. today is not a Christian Fellowship. It numbers tens of thousands of members throughout the world who hold a variety of beliefs and unbeliefs. To plaster A.A. with the label of “cult,” “heresy,” destructive, and/or non-Christian does not do justice to those of us—tens of thousands of us—who hold Christian beliefs and want to adhere to the practices of the founders when A.A. was truly a highly-successful, Christian fellowship that promulgated love, service, tolerance, and success for the down-trodden and defeated. I can’t think of any message from the Bible they studied that didn’t offer them and all of the afflicted a way out.

For more information: Dick B., dickb@dickb.com. www.dickb.com; 808 874 4876, Kihei, Hawaii

Gloria Deo


:eek:

RESEARCH STUDY OPPORTUNITY


I am a graduate student who is conducting a research study investigating the romantic relationships of heterosexual adult women (18 years of age and older) who have had an alcoholic father.

Taking part in this questionnaire will aid in the developing research about adult daughters of alcoholic fathers.

If interested please let me know!!!


Thank you all, i appreciate your help!!!

Hi all,

I have been wanting to join Coda for some time now. I have a pretty dysfunctional family, don't have normal relationships with any of them, we are all very codependent, and about half just avoid any conflict whatsoever, while the rest have a very hard time with boundaries, or exhibit irresponsible/manipulative behavior or have problems communicating.

To make things tougher, my health has been slowly but steadily going down hill, and I am either not good at keeping friendships, or people really don't understand my illness so they don't stick around, and I moved to a different area, so the few that did, that I worked so hard to get (because of my health it is very hard to socialize and keep up w/friends) are too far away to be of much company, comfort, or even distraction. So it seems like I inevitably keep turning to my family for support, but it's never long before something goes wrong and it all implodes. I love them and want to have them all in my life, but I've had to distance myself for sanity's sake.
I suffer from chronic depression as well, and this exacerbates it even when I'm doing okay with the depression; I can be ok, but a fight with my mother for example, well have me plunged into a suicidal crisis instantly.

I know I need help, because I need to be able to cope with my family better, and for my health's sake, keep my stress levels down, plus, I attract very toxic people, don't have many good friends, and sometimes I wonder if I am even capable of having a healthy relationship, not just romantic, but any kind, as well. I've felt very damaged since I was a teenager with depression, and I thought I was over it, but becoming too ill to work brought out all kinds of insecurities; I feel awful because I cannot work, I've had to accept that I can't, because it affects my health too much, but I've struggled with feelings of worthlessness, guilt, and defensiveness. I worry too much about what people think, and it seems like all of who I was has been taken away from me. I've slowly begun to adjust, but I can't seem to completely accept my disability. Holidays are extra hard for me, so I'm hoping I can find some support to help me cope and get through them better than I did last year, when I barely got through them.

I may try and go to an in person meeting eventually, but there aren't many close by or at times I can make it, so I was wondering if someone could point me in the right direction? Where do I start? Is there a go-to person for questions? I've read some great posts, but is there something I should do each day? :21: :confused:

Thanks a bunch, I look forward to benefiting from your experience.

Jane

~*~A.A. Thoughts For The Day~*~
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(\ ~~ /)
( \ (AA)/ )
(_ /AA\ _)
/AA\
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Criticism

"Now and then all of us fall under heavy criticism.
When we are angered and hurt,
it's difficult not to retaliate in kind.
Yet we can restrain ourselves
and then probe ourselves,
asking whether our critics were really right.
If so, we can admit our defects to them.
This usually clears the air for mutual understanding. . .
Maybe a sense of humor can be our saving grace --
thus we can both forgive and forget."
Bill W., Letter, 1966
c. 1967AAWS, As Bill Sees It, p. 184
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Thought to Consider . . .

The best way to get even is to forget.

*~*~*AACRONYMS*~*~*
S O B E R = Son Of a Basket, Everything's Real

Here is a problem I have seen with many alcoholics. They are afraid of their own thoughts.

To me, if someone is afraid of their own thoughts, it tells me they are not really in control of them.

Their experience tells them that if they have a certain thought, they are somehow compelled to act upon it. And so they feel afraid.

My experience tells me that just because I have a thought, it doesn't mean I have to "own" it. It doesn't become "my" thought until I decide to give it merit. If I know I am not compelled to accept and act upon the thought, then I am safe enough to consider it and see what I might learn.

This way, I am free to hear all kinds of different thoughts - other people's and my own -without necessarily being affected by them. And so I feel empowered.

You have this ability, too.

For example, if you are driving down the road and you see an advertisement for car insurance, somebody else's thought has now been put into your head. But you don't automatically decide to purchase it. If it seems important enough, you hang on to that thought for later and maybe even act upon it. If not, you immediately dismiss it.

Here's the thing...

You can do that with any thought! You don't have to own any thought, feeling or belief unless you know it serves you!

So if your fear is serving you, great! If you have the thought that "AA is the best way for me" or "My way is a combination of different things" or "I don't have any other choice" or "Mike is a dangerous crackpot", then who is anybody else to judge!

Only YOU know what you are thinking! And only you can decide which thoughts are your own, and which thoughts have been put into your head by other people, for reasons of their own.

If you are still afraid of what you might think or do, then I applaud your efforts to find the Mind that you have lost, to heal the Body you have abused, and to recover the Spirit that is the truth of who you really are.

There are two or three writers who are so anti-A.A. that they seize on the "new thought" influences that other writers have highlighted as being foundational A.A. Thus they take on Emmet Fox and his "sermon on the mount." But I can't state how many times I have said at my talks around the United States that it was Jesus who delivered the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7). It was not Emmet Fox. In fact, Fox rejected the salvation concept in the Bible. Hence early AAs emphasized, stressed, and daily studied the Bible, and particularly Matthew 5-7, the entire book of James, and 1 Corinthians 13. See Dick B., The James Club and The Original A.A. Program's Absolute Essentials www.dickb.com/jamesclub.shtml. It is far more fruitful for students of the Bible, of Christianity, of the early A.A. Christian fellowship, and of the Original A.A. Christian fellowship program to investigate, study, learn, and report what early AAs did instead of which of the 500 or so books they read can be labeled as indicative of their Christian status, beliefs, and source for truth. It is difficult enough for a Christian in the recovery arena today to keep his head above water with anti-A.A. critics constantly asserting that A.A. could not possibly have been Christian, that Bill and Bob weren't Christians, and even that I could not possibly understand Christianity when we have produced 36 published titles that allow students to decide for themselves http://www.dickb.titles.shtml
God Bless, Dick B.
PS: It is devoutly hoped that the A.A. critics, few though they are, will finally concede two fundamental and well-documented facts: (1) Early Alcoholics Anonymous was a Christian Fellowship and so stated. And early A.A. was the Original program founded and developed starting June 10, 1935. (2) Today's A.A. is most assuredly not a Christian fellowship because it invites people of all beliefs or no beliefs to pursue the 12 Steps; but that fact neither excludes nor controverts the fact that there are literally thousands of Christians in A.A. today who need to know the truth about their early program and decide whether or not they wish to have God's help, just as the early Christian AAs did.
:idea:

Hey everyone. I'm a addict with Brendan problem. I haven't made any meetings in a long time. I'm starting to get back into recovery mode but my life is so busy I can't drive a hour to the nearest meeting place. I'm going to try the online thing for while. Wish me luck :)

I've looked over a few posts from other people on here and feel distinctly like I got the good end of the stick, since so many of you seem to have had a far worse experience than me.

I admittedly don't remember much about my mother being an alcoholic, because I was only eight or nine when she suffered that phase of her life, and perhaps that is essentially what's bothering me. It was only after I spoke to my boyfriend (now ex-) about my worst memories that it hit me that I hadn't breathed a word to anyone about this in over ten years. Since then it's plagued me a little, and I have a lot of questions for the people who were involved - mostly if any of them remember. And I want to ask them, but that chapter of our lives is so over for them all, which Mom being completely reformed, that I don't want to drag it up.

I don't think it's much regarding her even, as much as the other people involved. My now-stepdad threw her and me out on the street when he found her alcohol stash in his garage, and it seems it never crossed his mind to help or protect me. That behaviour has always carried forward. She had a depressed rage when I was a teenager, and he stormed out to get the police because she was apparently acting so crazy, but left me, at 13, to protect his 12 month old son from her. I have no idea if Dad ever actually found out at all, clueless as he can be at times. Mom and I had no family support network, so I was left to cope wit her alone.

All this also means something else: that I am the only one who remembers any of it. And it bothers me because of my age at the time - even though those memories have been burned into my mind, now it's not so much images themselves as the narrative I've been remembering and telling myself since it happened. It's more like a police statement or something - I only remember it from the words, not the images themselves anymore, and even though I'm sure I'm right about what happened because not one word of my story has changed since, I still feel uncertain because it's all so hazy.

I am seriously considering taking myself back to the places where my bad memories happened and trying to "relive" it. What do you think? Does anyone have a similar experience?

I am now officially "clean" for one year. I'm loving this new life. My daughter bought me a book titled "Believing in Myself" for my birthday present and today's meditation thought was so appropriate.

"Fare thee well, I must leave thee,
Do not let this parting grieve thee.
Just remember that the best of friends must part-"
Anonymous

We can't go forward until we say goodbye to what is behind us. So goodbye, Using life, I'm moving on to :12:bigger and better things.