CyberRecovery Page 2

Find a sponsor

Before indulging into what has been my experience, strength and, hope with this topic, I would like to take this opportunity to thank our editor in chief for the honor and privilege of allowing me to part take in the Newsletter. While residing at an institution, I was introduced to the concept of having someone who had faith in me and would want to help me in my recovery. At that time, in the Bay Area it seemed as if sponsorship was very limited. I had heard that you should find someone who you could identify with. During this period of my recovery I had lost what I thought was my sense of humor. I attended several meetings and often I would hear the message of hope, Nevertheless, at times I would hear the counseling, the confrontation, and drilling, I call it (slap shop recovery). As desperate as I was one thing was pretty clear to me, I had have my fair share of counselors, probation officers, drill sergeants, surrogate parents and many disciplinarians. None of these had provided enough evidence for me to follow their path. After all I had gotten clean not stupid. I started taking the risk of going to different meetings and while attending a meeting I heard one of the members share his experience with recovery as experienced by working the steps, this individual had a good sense of humor and it seems fairly content with recovery. I had by then a few clean days and I was willing to continue in my journey. In the course of our interaction, I noticed that one of the biggest assets available to this person was the laughter that accompanied while sharing (I thought that was good) I needed something to laugh about. We managed to work up to the 5th Step however after me sharing my fifth step this individual just disappeared. Later on I found out this individual had check into a mental facility. I, for the longest time thought that my fifth step had provoked this course of action. At any rate that is a totally different story or another dollar in the basket as the old saying goes. I did not loose faith. A friend of mine in recovery introduced me to yet another recovering addict. This member was very generous, educated and well respected. We began to get to know one another and self disclosure prove to be quite enriching. While working on my 8th Step I realized that this individual’s convictions did not encompassed the spiritual principles of Narcotics Anonymous. I understood and accepted that was their journey not mine. In the spring of 1991 a member of N.A. gave me a speaker tape of a member who spoke at some H& I function. This individual got my attention. I listen to that tape over and over until I actually began to feel the same passion that this individual spoke of in its journey. A few years later while participating in my recovery through the Helpline I discovered this member had moved to the Bay Area. I met this individual and true to its recovery, and the program of N.A. after years of recovery in the program it’s commitment remain consistent as to the things we do in recovery. As I mention before I like to believe that participating in my recovery provides me with that daily reprieve from my disease. Furthermore, the spiritual rewards of the program for me have been revealed initially, within the program. As apprehensive as I tend to be I decided that I would take my time and get to know this addict. We were serving in the same service committee and I watched this person exercise it’s program and after seven months of watching it I mustered the courage to ask for it’s guidance in my recovery. The rest as the old saying goes is history. I would like to tell you about the qualities this person has, however; anything I say will only shadow its character. I still got the same sponsor and to this day I continue to get the necessary guidance for my growth in recovery. My sponsor has a sponsor who has a sponsor who has a sponsor who has a sponsor who has a sponsor who has a sponsor who has a sponsor and we all belong to the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. Thank you so much to N.A. and the fellowship as a whole for a new way of life. It is not hard labor to obtain a sponsor. Nevertheless; I truly believe that it is worth my efforts to secure the guidance of someone who has my well being in mind and a good working knowledge of the program as a whole. I have accepted the program as a whole package , The Steps , The Traditions ,and The Concepts and more and more continues to be reveal… Thank you for allowing me to share…
_________________

Honesty got me clean; tolerance keeps me clean."

I didn't realize how dishonest I was before I entered recovery. I had half truths and misleading by omission down to a fine art, and by the end of my drinking and using I was even good at deceiving myself. I didn't know it then, but the practice of being rigorously honest was the cornerstone of my recovery, and without it I never would have gotten clean.

Another thing I didn't realize before recovery was how intolerant I was of other people, places and things. Once I began looking at myself, I found that my first reactions were to judge, reject and condemn others. What I discovered was that my intolerance was a defense mechanism covering my deep feelings of inferiority and shame, and it wasn't until I discarded these that I began to live comfortably in my own skin.

What I've learned over the years is that if I want to remain comfortable and clean, I've got to continue to practice tolerance. Now when I feel like judging or condemning others, I quickly look within and ask if I'm scared or if I'm feeling less than. Once I'm honest with myself, I'm able to deal with these feelings, and this always restores me to tolerance of myself and others.

Today I realize that honesty got me clean, but that tolerance keeps me that way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7D-ONj8PO8

Our Thirst

"If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink." (From John 7:37)



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Jesus said, "If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink." But how? And what do we drink that will satisfy our soul?

Jesus promised, "Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, 'Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.'" (John 7:38) We drink by believing in him and receiving. Whoever believes- his invitation is to you who have not yet believed. Christian, you have believed in him, but let us continue to believe and to receive.

And then, as we believe, out of the heart will flow rivers (not just a trickle) of living water. Now this he said about the Spirit... (from John 7:39) The psalmist wrote' "As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God." It is the Lord's presence- he will quench our thirsty soul. Let's believe and talk with the Lord.

Lord, your Spirit alone can truly quench our thirsty souls. Thank you for being our satisfaction. Help us to find our rest in your promise to fill us with the water of your Spirit. Thank you Lord Jesus- we love the promise and the peaceful joy of your presence. Amen.

Today's very great and precious promise

"Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, 'Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.'" (John 7:38)

We have God's Word on it.




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Good News

Have you ever felt like a part of your personality has been stripped away? Recently I’ve sought help for my unresolved childhood conflicts related to my mother’s alcoholism, but it’s only through going on so many websites that I’ve come across things that scare me. Namely, that the list of character traits common to many ACOAs match me almost perfectly.

So many of my fears and behaviours I thought were just me – that it was just the way I was. But now there’s so much evidence to suggest that that isn’t the case; that I could have been a different person if not for the alcoholism. I love my friends to pieces, and wouldn’t trade them for anything, and I’m grateful that I have a more mature perspective than my peers, because it’s kept me out of the worst of the trouble. But even though I don’t want to lament over what could have been instead of looking forward, I still wonder if I could have known what normal is if this hadn’t have happened. I wouldn’t be busting my butt trying to work out what normal people think. What could have been if I hadn’t lost the ability to have fun easily, or didn’t overthink, or could take risks without worrying about the upheaval that comes with it?

I’ve just realised how fast I had to grow up, and that in other ways, I haven’t grown up at all. I’ve been trapped in my childhood anxieties, and I’ve only just been able to see it.

Does anybody else feel this way? In the majority I'm happy with who I am, and what my past made me, but at the same time there I things I wish I didn’t do related to my past, and things I know I shouldn’t have had to go through, and wouldn't wish on anybody. I feel really conflicted right now.

:confused:

I was in my apartment when my dinner was interupted by a knock at the door. I opened it a found a pretty woman That I barely knew standing there. I invited her in and after a brief conversation my attractive friend told me that she wanted me to meet a friend of hers. Suddenly and out of nowhere appeared her friend. Her friend was a small white rock that said nothing at first. She just sat on my coffee table staring at me. My "friend" told me that the white substance's given name was crack, but that she perferred the name Smokey White Devil. After a few minutes of trying to convince this female that I had no interest in carrying on a conversation with Smokey, I finally consented to a casual conversation. My female friend placed Smokey on a glas apparatus, placed it in my mouth and ignited it. Smokey then began to speak. Smokey said the she was the thing I had been looking for all my life and it was going to make me very happy. Smokey said that she would always be with me and she convinced me that I could not live without her. I believed her. I thought that nothing that felt that good could be a lie. I allowed Smokey to drag my silly ass through the streets for many years and even after I realized that all her promises were a lie, I still went along with her falsehoods because I was a slave to her desires. Smokey told me that she was a very jealous woman and that I could have no other and like a puppet on a string, I submitted to her whims.

One day an aquaintance took me to a twelve step meeting where I met many that were once slaves of Smokey. They told me that my relationship with Smokey was disfunctional and non sustainable. Thet convinced me that a better life awaited me. The told me that Smokey is a liar.

Now my life is very different. Smokey is no longer a part of my life. Every time Smokey calls I let her call go to voicemail and I never call her back. When I find myself in areas Smokey used to frequent, I handle my business and get the hell out of there. I don't give Smokey the chance to wiggle back into my life. Today, Smokey is dead to me. If she wasn't she would be death to me. The is no room in my life for that smokey white devil. Please visit my blog at http://www.thedopelesshopefiend.com

Hi, everyone! I am glad to have found this site. The more support, the better. I am struggling with staying sober. I went to inpatient treatment in September 2008, and mostly did okay until moving to a new town (actually, moving back to a place I'd lived during my party days) and taking a new job. I have spent most of 2009 struggling to connect with the recovery community in the small mountain town where I live. I get involved, then run away and hide. I have been having a lot of panic attacks and dry drunk behavior.
Just after my one year birthday, I blew it and drank. My husband still doesn't know, and I am not sure if/how to tell him. I am currently unemployed, as I realized that being a lawyer is NOT for me. I felt pushed into by other people and never actually wanted to be a lawyer. It feels good to be honest about who I am, but the whole lack of employment thing is awful. Sometimes I just want to drink to forget. Instead, I am going to take it a day at a time and pray for the strength to do the right thing.
I look forward to hanging out here!

~*~A.A. Thoughts For The Day~*~
^*^*^*^*^
(\ ~~ /)
( \ (AA)/ )
(_ /AA\ _)
/AA\
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Prayer

"As the alcoholic goes along with his process of prayer,
he begins to add up the results.
If he persists, he will almost surely find more serenity,
more tolerance, less fear, and less anger.
He will acquire a quiet courage, the kind that doesn't strain him.
He can look at so-called failure and success
for what they really are.
Problems and calamity will begin to mean instruction,
rather than destruction.
He will feel freer and saner. . .
Wonderful and unaccountable things will start to happen.
Twisted relations with family and on the outside
will unaccountably improve."
Bill W., June 1958
c. 1988AAGrapevine, The Language of the Heart, p. 241
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Thought to Consider . . .

Trying to pray is praying.

*~*~*AACRONYMS*~*~*
H O P E = Hang On; Pray Every day

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*~*~*~*~*^Just For Today!^*~*~*~*~*


Disturbing Reflection
Step Five: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
More realism and therefore more honesty about ourselves are the great gains we make under the influence of Step Five. As we took inventory, we began to suspect how much trouble self-delusion had been causing us. This had brought a disturbing reflection. If all our lives we had more or less fooled ourselves, how could we now be so sure that we weren't still self-deceived? How could we be certain that we had made a true catalog of our defects and had really admitted them, even to ourselves? Because we were still bothered by fear, self-pity, and hurt feelings, it was probable we couldn't appraise ourselves fairly at all. Too much guilt and remorse might cause us to dramatize and exaggerate our shortcomings. Or anger and hurt pride might be the smoke screen under which we were hiding some of our defects while we blamed others for them. Possibly, too, we were still handicapped by many liabilities, great and small, we never knew we had.

1981, AAWS, Inc., Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pages 58-59

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*~*~*~*~*^ Big Book Quote ^*~*~*~*~*


"Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the
past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out
of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we
haven't the will to do this, we ask until it comes. Remember it was
agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over
alcohol."

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Into Action, pg.76~

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Misc. AA Literature - Quote




'My observation is that some people can get by with a certain amount of postponement, but few can live with outright rebellion.'

'We have succeeded in confronting many a problem drinker with that awful alternative, 'This we A.A.'s do, or we die.' Once this much is firmly in his mind, more drinking only turns the coil tighter.
As many an alcoholic has said, 'I came to the place where it was either into A.A. or out the window. So here I am!

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Member Submitted Quote



My best thinking may have got me here - an now that I'm here - it will be my best thinking that will keep me here. - ( Lyle P. )

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12 x 12 Quote


"'How much does your scheme cost?' I was thankful I could tell
him, 'Nothing at all.' His next question: 'What are you getting out of
it?' Of course, my answer was 'My own sobriety and a mighty happy
life.' Still dubious, he demanded, 'Do you really mean the only reason
you are here is to try and help me and to help yourself?' 'Yes,' I
said. 'That's absolutely all there is to it. There's no angle.'"
(Twelve and Twelve, Tradition Five, pg. 152)

I am glad to say that I am back in alcohol treatment and I feel good today.
I've broke my foot two months ago and still in a cast. I will be having sugery on my foot next month. I am asking for pray for me and my family. My boyfriend confessed that he has been taking pill and for the last few days he has been mean and verbal abussive. We stayed up all night and finally this morning he asked me if I wanted to know what was going on with him. He admitted to using pill and was trying to come off them cold turkey. We talked and I want very much to help him get through this, because I know it's hard and still hard for me at times. But what really touched my heart is when he started crying and told me that he didn't know what to do and he didn't want to live in sin. I held him while he cried like a baby, but I told him about the goodness of God. Please uplift us in prayer my cyber friends. Thanks

My Mom wants UGG Boots for Christmas, and she knows im good at finding deals.... Sooo... Can you help? Hum, I find one site www uggsaleau com, there are many good offers, is it a true site?

Hi All
Heti Heti mentioned to me that Into the light has been kicked off the board -
I so hope this is not the case. Into the light says it like it is - she is fiercely intelligent, wonderfully analytical and very supportive. I consider her part of my recovery.
I know there has been some banter on threads that was not always positive, but I think in most cases it was welcome. ITL knows that support is part of the journey, In the few cases she was fractious, she gave reasons why and stated her case clearly.
I love this place, but it would mean a lot less to me if it were censored in this way. There should be an open and frank place for peoples opinions. recently somebody made a very rude comment about us all quoting AA slogans - I thought it was a wonderful chance for us to stand together shoulder to shoulder and say - that sort of thing is not really welcome here -
Moderators definately have their place on the site - but please don't censor beloved contributing members.:42:
Honey barbxxxxxxx

Hi All
Heti Heti mentioned to me that Into the light has been kicked off the board -
I so hope this is not the case. Into the light says it like it is - she is fiercely intelligent, wonderfully analytical and very supportive. I consider her part of my recovery.
I know there has been some banter on threads that was not always positive, but I think in most cases it was welcome. ITL knows that support is part of the journey, In the few cases she was fractious, she gave reasons why and stated her case clearly.
I love this place, but it would mean a lot less to me if it were censored in this way. There should be an open and frank place for peoples opinions. recently somebody made a very rude comment about us all quoting AA slogans - I thought it was a wonderful chance for us to stand together shoulder to shoulder and say - that sort of thing is not really welcome here -
Moderators definately have their place on the site - but please don't censor beloved contributing members.:42:
Honey barbxxxxxxx

I started a thread (called "anyone familiar with Step By Step?"), and another member of this site posted a reply. We continued posting back and forth within the thread a number of times. Days later, her posts disappeared from the thread without her knowing why. I had been finding our discussion very helpful and was very disturbed when I noticed this. There was nothing that could be construed as even remotely out-of-line in her posts. She was the only person who actually responded to my thread, and gave me a lot to reflect upon concerning a group I've just started attending.

Can someone please explain to me why these posts are gone from my thread?

Confused,
Twelve

Before Step One



1. Read from the beginning of the Basic Text, "Our Symbol" to the end of Chapter 5, "What Can I Do?".

2. Answer in writing the first paragraph after the italicized section of Chapter 4, "How It Works".

3. Write what you expect from NA.

4. Write what you expect from your sponsor.

5. Write what the exact nature of our addiction is.

6. Get a GOOD dictionary.






That's how my first sponsor had me do it.

First, I wrote down my own definitions of Admit, Powerless, Addiction, Life, Unmanageable, and Surrender
then I was told to use the dictionary and the Basic Text and redefine them, if necessary.

I learned that my definition of "admit" was limited to "guilt" and "confessing."
I learned that my definition of "powerless" was associated with "hopeless" and "useless"
I learned that my definition of "addiction" was limited to specific drugs
I learned that my definition of "life" didnt include my mind and spirit
I learned that my definition of "unmanageable" pointed my finger at you
I learned that my definition of "surrender" was limited to "quitting."

I unlearned that and learned new stuff !!!!

Writing on step one
A) Take each word individually and write down your understanding of the word.
B) Look up each word in the dictionary and write the dictionary definition of the word.
C) Wait 24 hours and compare the two definitions. See if your interpretation differed from the dictionary.
D) Write what you have learned from the process.
E) Break down the step into the falling parts:
1} We Admitted
2} That We Were Powerless
3} Over Our Addition
4} That Our Lives
5} Had Become Unmanageable
F) Write what each part means to you>
3} Writing the first step inventory.
A) Just for today, (Every Day) write on events that that happen in your life and events that they recalled from the past.
B) Write about the circumstances leading up to the event, the event itself, and consequences arising from the event, be good or bad.
C) Write how you could not control the circumstances that brought the event about, could not control the event itself, and could not control the consequences the event brought on, how it was unmanageable and you were powerless over it.
D) Continue to write your daily until the step is revealed.
E) Write how you work this step. Write at least 15 different examples of how this step works in your life.
F) Share everything with your sponsor.
G) If your sponsor feels you are ready him/she will move you on to step two.

Tonight a woman shared about some illegal activity that she did and felt guilt and shame over it. No she did not kill someone or really rob someone,but she put the topic of shame out there. People commented on it and I shared that is what I love about AA is that we can bring up topics such as this and AA is Anonymous and a safe place to share. Well one woman pipped up and said we have to becareful about what we share and that is not what our forefathers ment by being anonymous. What do they mean when they read after the meeting ends "what you hear here and see here let it stay here, here here". I understand that there are AA police and that they will report anyone they see fit and that is why we have to becareful. But, I do beleive back in the day because the nature of alcoholism and the wrong things we did and the reputation alcoholics had as being bad citizens we had to remain anonymous. What do others think? What did our forefather mean? Another point, I sure did not like being cross talked to at a meeting,but thats another topic LOL.

Recovery Process



Many of us arrived in NA filled with fear. We felt alone and unique. We were desperate and had been unable to find a solution on our own. We had been in a battle for our lives. We had fought to maintain our habit and struggled to hold on to some semblance of normalcy. We began to desire change even when we knew it was impossible. It could have been the threat of jail, loss of a job, disintegration of our family, an attempted suicide or witnessing the death of another addict that gave birth to this desire. We felt that we just could not live this way anymore. At some point, we looked at ourselves and could not believe what we had become. We were no longer a complete person rather only an empty shell of our former selves. We were heartsick and ashamed and we looked for a better way. While our using experiences differ, our common denominator is that the process of recovery is the same for all of us. This is all the more remarkable because our drugs of choice are different, our backgrounds are different, our educational levels and work skills are different, but recovery remains the same. The same 12 Steps of NA work for us all. Surrendering to the truth, no matter how painful, is the basic building block of our recovery.

When we show up to claim our lost lives, we get them back but they are probably in need of repair. Recovery is about changing, so we listen and become willing to use suggestions. If we don't work the program, the program does not work. As we grow in recovery, we regain our ability to see clearly by degrees. There are several ways to look at a person's existence. For years now, the members of Twelve Step programs have known we were sick in the areas of sex, security and society. In time, we realize that these relate to lust, greed and pride and relate to our personal state, stature and status. Our state of being, our stature of holdings and our standing within society seem like so many words until we realize they are the very things we will sell our souls for - or get loaded over.

Living clean was a whole new concept to us. It took time, effort and a sincere desire to adapt ourselves to the many changes. Some members disagree with 'sincere desire' but we only mean that sincere desire results in recovery. This is no game or war of words. For addicts desperate enough to seek recovery in NA, it is life or death. When we reach our individual point of desperation, we open ourselves up to the Program of NA. We will have many choices in the discovery and identification process. As we pursue the willingness to be a part of this process, we gain new insights. When we are face-to-face with our addictive desires, a commitment to spiritual principles can re-establish our faith. We shall face many traps at all stages of recovery but spiritual principles will bring us rewards beyond our imagination. We constantly rediscover God present and helpful in everything we do. There is a saying, "The further away you are from God, the more God seems to be an enemy. The closer you get to God, the more you realize God was your only true friend all along."

In recovery, we learn to rely on our Higher Power and NA members who are practicing the NA way of life. We don't do this all at once; we begin with surrender and admission of our need for help in Step One. It all comes from admitting we are powerless over our addiction and that our lives have become unmanageable. We may not know entirely what this means, but when we make the admissions, we notice immediate and lasting relief. We need the experience, love, understanding and support of other clean addicts to begin the practice of this program daily. We must study the spiritual principles of Narcotics Anonymous and learn how to apply those principles in our lives. We must find a Higher Power - whether it is an ideal or a supernatural being makes no difference. Many atheists and agnostics are among our members. As long as we believe - it will work for us. Find something to believe in that is loving and cares about your well being. When we first came to NA and stopped using drugs, we found that we needed our fellow members in much the same way that a newborn needs its mother. This is a matter of survival! The only difference between the infant and us is that we don't outgrow this need.

"Today, I understand the nature of my disease in a much different light than when I first came through the doors looking for a way to "get off drugs." As long as simply ‘not getting loaded’ was the foundation of my recovery, my disease then had hundreds of options remaining that it could use to keep me sick.

"I couldn't grasp the idea that a person who wasn't loaded could still be in active addiction through acting on the obsessive and compulsive nature of this disease in other areas of their lives. I thought that clean time equaled recovery - period! Today, I understand completely that recovery cannot exist without abstinence. However, it took a while for me to understand that I was not in recovery simply because I was no longer doing dope.

"Recovery is possible only when we work the Steps. It starts with the willingness to let go of my old ideas. As long as I see drugs as the problem, I remain in that old addictive pattern of blaming someone or something outside of myself for how I act and how I feel. From that viewpoint, it seems natural to continue using things outside of me as the solution to those problems. This way of thinking is at the root of addiction and I must surrender if I am to have a chance at true recovery."

This period of our recovery often precedes a spiritual awakening. While we know on an intellectual level how the Steps work, we probably have not experienced the miracle at a deeper level yet. We may find ourselves having a jaded view toward newcomers and people who relapse repeatedly. We find ourselves talking to them about recovery yet we may not really expect them to stay clean. Some of us have gotten clean just to 'show' someone! Some of us view structural service as an arena to debate our points of view and provide us with stimulating mental exercise. We try to interpret the Traditions and past policies much like a judge reviewing law before rendering a verdict. We may continue this way until someone points out that the Traditions, like the Steps, are not laws that can be broken, but spiritual principles meant to guide us when we don't know what to do. They are our goals for spiritual growth.

We battle to understand that we have the right to self-inspection. We don't fight each other or outsiders, we find our own disease. Our disease can convince us that spending time finding a belief that works for us, doing an inventory, or making amends is the ultimate selfishness. We have the right to relax our fear of others and we experience our progress emotionally. Hey, recovery is great! We begin to experience curiosity, openness and positive expectations daily. Fear after fear bites the dust. The healing that we feel on the inside allows us to become more open to others. The objective of ongoing recovery is to keep the growth process alive and happening daily.

Practicing principles is the best way to achieve ongoing recovery. When someone complains that they feel like they are not growing in recovery, one of us must remind them that it us their choices that make up their lives. It may be that they have slacked-off on some aspect of their spiritual maintenance but may never look for it unless guided to it by someone who cares. When we each get back to what is important to us, we see colorful and vivid images instead of the usual bland, gray world. We can not always hit our own 'reset button' and we soon learn that our need for one another is very real. Clean addicts are the ultimate weapon in our fight to get a second life. Through them, we see the world with new eyes. Doors open to us. Solutions and fresh ideas spring into our minds.

In NA, we are learning to change ‘who we are’ on the inside so we can live better on the outside. Like active addiction, recovery develops its own momentum. Coming face to face with oneself has never been easy and searching for the truth is even harder. It begins with a simple acknowledgment that we have a disease and we need help from others like ourselves. If we have the benefits of accepting the disease concept and have done a complete First Step, we find it easier to recognize when our disease pops up no matter how much time we have in recovery. As individuals, we may have many pet theories about the disease concept but our combined experience is available at any meeting. If we find ourselves depressed for no apparent reason, we need to re-evaluate our lives. Asking for help is a good way to start and is the best way to keep getting help. With this help, we may see that we have resentment against someone who has harmed us but we do not want to cause harm in return. Our disease makes it hard to ask for help because it would rather keep us angry or confused. We give up, show up, sit down, but most importantly we do not pick up a drug or some substitute. Our basic choice in any situation is either freedom or bondage but it is only available if we can see the choice is ours.

We had searched high and low for the ultimate meaning of life in the belief that it would give us the elusive feelings of control or understanding. We were convinced that finding that elusive prize would allow us to settle down, take root, and break our self-destructive patterns. We never took the time nor gave ourselves a chance to heal. This may sound like someone in this stage of recovery is neglecting their program. That's not true! They work steps, expand their understanding of the Narcotics Anonymous Program and most importantly stay clean. However, there is more to learn on this path of recovery. Most often, we have to slow down, not speed up, to get with the program.

We find ourselves in crises yet may not even realize that we often create our own crises. Some of us have become accident-prone to justify getting and taking medication. We may fight with people for no good reason and experience that familiar hung-over sensation even without using drugs. When we lived our lives based on lies, we experienced pain and destruction. When we use truth to guide our lives, we find joy and freedom. Once we understand this concept, we can apply it in all areas of our lives. The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions are the keys to living free from our addiction. In Narcotics Anonymous, miracles happen when we know what we need to do and find the strength to do it. It doesn't matter whether our natural response is to ‘rage’ outwardly or ‘stuff it’ inwardly, we must learn to manage without using drugs. This is part of what we call having a choice. We claim the right to determine our reactions to people, places and things that used to control us. This is why spiritual growth is so important to our recovery.

When we finally surrendered to our addiction and worked the First Step, we fully expected the world to come crashing down around us. The First Step tells us that if we continue to remain alone - we will suffer from the horrors of addiction: degradation, dereliction, insanity and death. We have run for so long that we thought our anonymity shielded us from destruction. When we admitted that we could not manage our lives, we see some opportunities for change. We begin to see change as a solution that is spiritual in nature and will allow us to live happier lives. Some of us will not get through this period clean. Those addicts who relapse often have a hard time coming back and staying clean. Remorse over what they have thrown away causes them to dwell in the past and abandon the present. The addicts who make it back are the ones who can humble themselves, return to the basics and start living their lives anew. It is difficult, but it is better than the alternatives. Addicts who have put together some time after such a relapse, tell us they realize that their recovery is something they can never take for granted. The relapse process begins whenever we chose to practice the reverse of the recovery process. If we do not go to meetings, read the literature, and spend time with recovering addicts - we have begun negotiating the relapse process. The more we continue to leave off the things that work, the more certain we can be of the outcome. Relapse will occur.

The thoughts of using come to many of us frequently during early recovery. These thoughts can seem so real that we can almost taste the stuff. Some addicts even fantasize themselves right out of the rooms. We must accept that using thoughts are common to us and realize that we are not alone or unique when we experience them. It is quite normal for such thoughts to come especially during emotional crises. Some say that the time to worry would be when this did not happen. Arguments, the death of a loved one, losing a job, separation or divorce are some of the more recognizable situations that seem to trigger these thoughts. Many members share that sometimes they have these thoughts simply because they heard a familiar song on the radio, a blizzard hit town, or they ran into an old friend. We may find ourselves on dangerous ground because we find that our reservations actually increased our desire to use. Many have relapsed not realizing that this selective fantasizing is what took them out.

Even if we do not use, we can still give our addiction power. Becoming obsessed with multiple relationships, gambling, food, work, perfectionism, adrenaline addiction, danger highs, stealing, road rage, abuse, manipulating others, lying, or buying things to make us feel better robs us of our strength. We must face the truth. If we do not surrender and renew our commitment to recovery, we will be lost. The disease of addiction rules through fear and deception. We become convinced that we are alone and that the only answers lie in escape, manipulation and control. Giving up the burden of our secrets is essential to ongoing recovery. Looking within, we find many unfamiliar emotions. We must feel and work through these emotions, we have to grieve and rejoice or cry and laugh. Working the Steps, we write about the situation, how we feel, how things came to be, what it looks like and how we would like to see it resolved. It may take quite some time before we feel ‘back to normal.’ Maintaining close ties with our sponsor and home group during this phase of recovery is invaluable. We find support among our fellow addicts. Taking care to be good to ourselves, we accept where we are right now and love ourselves for who we are. We get to the other side of the situation and find that we have grown from the experience.

Sometimes, we felt like we were emotional spastics when we arrived in NA. We were unable to concentrate and often had sudden and severe mood swings. Our episodes of using were disrupting our living pattern and the disease was preventing any personal achievement through the distraction of using. We have learned that false pride and an over-inflated self-image is precious, especially if we have nothing else. It seemed that while others were building up their lives, we were in a destructive mode and repeatedly attempted to destroy our life. We try to evade uncomfortable emotions by denying their existence. However, when avoiding these emotions, we are not facing our fears. This is like bandaging a wound without cleansing it. The problem will only fester and come back, forcing us to deal with it later. Instead, we observe how our newly found courage transforms itself into trust. We find the ability to share things with others that were impossible in the past. The fear of others knowing us for who we are has left us. This principle of trust is evident in our meetings. We observe people taking risks and sharing things that are pleasurable as well as painful.

Often NA members face challenges that can shake them to their very core, especially if there are other life changes going on such as career changes, geographical relocations, health problems, divorce, death or marriage. Many addicts experience emotional extremes during these times. Some recovering addicts have said that life's problems and feelings seem worse than when they were using drugs, but they stay clean regardless of how bad it gets. For some, issues from the past such as sexual or physical abuse, pent-up rage or growing up in a negative environment come to the surface. It is common to feel off-balance even when we are working hard at our recovery. We hear others share their pain as well as embarrassing truths about themselves. A part of us cringes as we realize that they are sharing our secrets. A part of us waits for others in the group to condemn and ridicule these secrets. When this fails to happen, it helps us trust the group with our feelings. As we experience the love that other NA members show us, we experience the filling of that inner void. We feel the emotions that others go through to get clean and stay clean and this gives us the courage that we need on top of our desire for recovery. Sometimes the feelings that others share can remind us of what we will go through if we drop away from the program of recovery and return to active addiction. This is usually when many of us get a sponsor and actually begin working the Twelve Steps on a deeper level. We have tasted the fruits of recovery and we want more.

A woman in the program lost her young son in a tragic accident. She told of experiencing hurt at the hands of addicts who meant well, but lacked the tact and compassion to help. "Within two weeks after his death someone said, 'You have suffered with this long enough, it's time you work the Steps and turn it over.'

"When they told me that, I felt like they were saying that I should just forget my son and move on. Well, I can't do that! I was working Steps, just to face each day and not go over the edge of insanity because I was hurting so badly. I'm sure God will heal me in time, but how long it takes is between God and I."

The addicts giving advice probably meant to help her. They were sharing things that they knew worked and may not have gotten to the sensitivity part. Nonetheless, an injury occurred because of someone's ignorance and insensitivity. We may be blind to the distress of others because sometimes empathy is painful. As hard as it is to watch someone suffer, we have found that a kind word and a warm hug are more healing than the best-intentioned advice. We often discover during these difficult times that we exhibited a greater measure of faith than we knew we had. We have been living Step Three in our lives. Our faith told us that eventually the bad feelings would pass and they had. Some of us may be dealing with years of repressed hurt and anger. Many say that the courage we use to face these feelings is the same courage that we find when it is time to do a Fourth Step. We hang on knowing that the God of our understanding will carry us through. The care of a loving God takes the sting out of the emotional pain.

At its best, the Narcotics Anonymous Fellowship is like a loving family. A bond exists between the members of the fellowship that is similar to the relationship between siblings. This bond develops out of our need for others who have found recovery from the disease of addiction by living the NA way of life. When we discover how many people care about us, we can begin to open ourselves up to their help. In this way, our lives expand and we grow spiritually. We are part of the miracle of recovery. We fear placing trust and faith in other people and usually with good reason. When we trust that God is working, not only in our life but in the lives of others as well, we begin to relax. We need to remember that when we seek help from others, we are not depending on them to meet our needs. They help us overcome our old behavior by sharing what worked for them. The difference is that we are no longer asking anyone for anything that we can do for ourselves. Addiction allowed and even encouraged us to drift into a pattern of excessive personal obsession. The more we used - the more we resented anything and anyone that demanded to be in front of the drugs. The resulting loneliness and desperation were driving forces when we sought help. Many of us relapse, not even realizing that one of the major obstacles to recovery are the lies that we tell ourselves and actually believe. After coming to Narcotics Anonymous, we learn that honesty, open-mindedness and willingness are indispensable to recovery. We all nod our heads in agreement when this discussion takes place in meetings. Upon closer examination, we may find that we still have a life based on lies. We still use these lies to justify and rationalize our sick behavior patterns.

All people have a tendency to surround themselves with like-thinking people. This confirms their opinions whether true or false. Addicts are more susceptible to this behavior. The disease of addiction causes us to defend or justify our position when we hear key words, phrases or anything that makes us feel uncertain about our beliefs. This results in isolation. We continue on this course unless an obstacle such as pain deflects us or unless a force greater than we are draws us in another direction. We must learn to tolerate imperfection whether it is in others or ourselves. If we continue to isolate ourselves from recovery, the results can be dramatic and even lethal. In recovery, we relax, become a part of and check out all the possibilities.

Today, we have a solution to this problem - it is called ‘thinking things all the way through.’ This means that instead of trying to force the thought out of our minds, we continue with the fantasy and make sure to include the pain and despair that comes with using. We remind ourselves of our frantic struggles for money, loss of friends, withdrawal, trouble with the law and major health problems. When we force ourselves to think things through, we can see both sides of reality and we increase our desire to stop using. Many of us find that these using thoughts came less often after we began practicing this new tool of recovery. As we confront our reservations, our mind begins to comprehend that we do not want to use under any circumstances. Events that once triggered obsessive behavior only cause a passing thought today. God gives us the power to recover the NA way.

Others have learned how to address today's problems, thereby eliminating tomorrow's catastrophes. These NA members have a solid foundation in the Twelve Steps, a sponsor and a home group from which they continually draw strength and experience. They have an active reliance on a loving God. Good times and bad times happen in recovery as they did in our active addiction. The difference is that we have the ability to make the most of our good fortunes today. Furthermore, we learn to work through tough situations without making them worse. Our job as recovering NA members is to remember that we have this ability and to use it daily. This new surrender to the Steps can often instill a lasting feeling of well being within us. We now recognize, that no matter what happens, we can stop the insanity by humbling ourselves and letting the God of our understanding guide us through troubled times.

Once the obsession to use leaves us and our lives stabilize, many of us get involved in activities outside the Fellowship. Some of us seek to increase our conscious contact with God through religion or other spiritual practices. We spend more time with our families. We may become active in community volunteer work, elections, government, social responsibilities, scouting, parent organizations, coaching sports teams, etc. Some members say, because of their recovery, they have taken up hobbies for the first time. Things that we have turned into a series of increasing difficulties reduce in size as recovery progresses. Surrendering to the reality of our addiction provides us a way to escape that addiction. All these activities are positive outlets and necessary to forming a well-rounded life. Unfortunately, we have seen many members disappear from the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous while in the pursuit of money, property and prestige.

Others may ‘float out the door on a cloud of religious zeal.’ Instead of allowing their involvement in outside interests to complement their recovery, many thought it could replace it. Removed from direct contact with other addicts, it is often easy to fool ourselves into thinking that we're in control of our lives. We may even tell ourselves, "Sure, NA saved my life and helped me in the beginning but now I'm ready to live a normal life. I just don't have time for the things I used to do."

One addict shared: "For seven or eight years I was actively involved in Narcotics Anonymous. As time went on, I became interested in doing more outside the program. With the skills I'd learned through countless service positions and committees, I discovered that ‘normal’ people wanted me involved with their projects too. Before long, I was active in local politics, participating in charity fundraisers, and sitting on several not-for-profit boards - all at the same time. It was service burnout all over again!

"Besides my volunteer activities, I had picked up a couple of hobbies that turned into a part-time business. I was also trying to stay fit by working out at a gym regularly. With all this new responsibility, I just didn't make time to go to meetings or call my sponsor anymore. I didn't 'quit' NA, I just never made it to meetings. I wasn't too concerned though, after all, I was still clean and had an impressive resume of good deeds I was doing. The longer I stayed away, the harder it was to return.

"After two years of sporadic meeting attendance, some situations arose that got me coming back regularly. Upon my return, I discovered that I had regressed in my recovery much more than I had thought. I was more judgmental toward others. I had redefined my standards for honesty and other spiritual values. Where I once felt at ease, knowing I was in God's care, I had begun to feel threatened by other people or situations. The irony is that these changes were so subtle that I didn't recognize them until I became an active member again.

"Now more than two years have passed. I realize that active involvement with steps, sponsor and a home group has to be a lifetime commitment. I still have outside interests and activities, but they don't take priority over my recovery anymore. While I can probably lead a normal life, I will never be normal. I will always be an addict. The required treatment for my progressive, terminal disease is participation in Narcotics Anonymous."

Many members wander off and stop going to meetings. They might receive visits or telephones calls and give assurances that everything is all right because they are not using. Their emotional and spiritual needs seem to be met within the family setting, a church or some other group of people. This might have worked for a while but the rest of us in the program need to know what they learned that helps them. They may need us, even if they avoid us. They take their program with them as they grow and explore their new lives. The problem is that they tend to forget to come back and share with us what they found useful to them. In NA, we specialize in sharing information on recovery from the disease of addiction. Of those who drift away, very few say that their lives are better without NA, even if they did stay clean. Occasionally we may encounter one of our absent members. They tell us that they are doing well; but many times, after some conversation, the old familiar feelings of loneliness, disconnection and isolation come out. Many of those we talk to relate a sense of aimlessness and a feeling of not being useful. Grateful indeed is the addict who makes it back from a walkabout or a relapse.

They realize Narcotics Anonymous provides us with a sense of community, a higher purpose for living and a proven spiritual path. Others face hardships in recovery, but never leave the program. Fear, hopelessness and despair can seem to overtake us. This is all stuff we have to deal with clean. While these troublesome times may seem like our darkest hour, they can often be catalysts for growth.

No matter how much clean time we have, or what our specific problem is - we always begin with the principle of surrender. Surrendering to the truth is still the basic building block of our recovery. By reaching out to NA members who care about us, we can ease our pain and confusion. Through prayer and trusting the God of our understanding, we find new strength and wisdom. Inventory is a valuable tool we use often. It helps us see things as they really are. Our path, once dark, is now illuminated. Most of us come through these experiences more humble, more grateful and more peaceful than we would have ever imagined. Recovery begins with surrender. We no longer feel the need to continue proving that our beliefs are correct. We surrender our fixed ideas and belief systems to the God of our understanding. We have the choice between love and fear. If we are vigilant with honesty, open-mindedness and willingness, we soon find that God is moving us in a new direction. We might hesitate when letting go of old practices because there is a certain comfort and security in familiar pain. God will supply the direction and courage we need for change. It would be cruel and not very loving of God to bring us this far to let us down. We begin to find and embrace a new lifestyle that is based on God's will for us.

Denial, discovery, curiosity, recognition and identification are stages that we go through in discovering that we suffer from a disease. Sometimes we fight this discovery. Taking a closer look at how we think and respond to situations gives us a new perspective. This insight teaches us new ways to approach whatever might confront us. From this perspective, we work outward and see how addiction came to touch every part of our lives. As we grow in recovery, we observe constantly in order to change our lives. Some of us came to meetings in our early recovery because we were afraid of what would happen to us if we did not. Eventually we kept coming back because the recovery itself was so attractive. We notice when others become stable in recovery. What we have learned is reinforced when we actually witness it working for others. Before long, we believe that we too can get better. Our hope grows into faith and our commitment to stay clean gets stronger. We come to meetings today because we want to. We like the feelings that we get from sharing and listening to other addicts. We are able to form deep, impressive, and lasting memories that assist us in readjusting our viewpoints and actions.

If we do not take something into our bodies, we will not have to deal with it later. The similarities between food and other forms of consumption are endless. If something makes us sick, we stop eating it. If we are sick, we examine what we have been eating. If we discover something has been making us sick, we give ourselves permission to stop eating it. When something like this comes up and we have trouble stopping, we work all Twelve Steps on the subject, including helping others if we want ongoing relief.

As we acquire time and experience in recovery, we find that our reliance on the God of our understanding grows. Some of our older members talk about being in a constant state of prayer – in other words, living the program in all that they do. These members appear as though nothing on earth could shake their serenity. Impossible as it may seem that deep and abiding peace is within the grasp of every one of us. Most of us have had these spiritual moments when we felt completely in the care of our Higher Power. These feelings often follow an act of surrender, such as taking a Fifth, Seventh, or Ninth Step. This inner peace may only last a few minutes or a few days but it is not easily forgotten once experienced. Much of our work in recovery is an effort to return to and maintain that state of mind. Each time we choose God's will over self-will, we are moving closer to a state of serenity. Each time we help someone else and expect nothing in return, we add joy to our lives. Each time we do a good deed without telling anyone about it, we learn humility and find peace. Each time we sit alone and look within for our Higher Power's guidance, we gain wisdom and power. Each time we face our fears and do what is right, in spite of the consequences, we gain courage. When we give love to others and ourselves, we find ourselves loved in return. The recovery process teaches us how to practice these principles in all our affairs, ‘our thoughts, our deeds and our actions.’ The longer we stay at it, the better it gets.

We must learn that mastering our feelings, thoughts, and emotions is not copping out, denying personal responsibility or living in someone else's expectations. We learn that we are becoming ourselves when we focus on our mind, spirit, and our personal likes and dislikes. We begin to experience the peace and definition that comes with this process. Reality begins to develop for us, this time as a friend and ally, not an adversary. Our fear of this process held us in limbo, perpetually bound, weakened and it prevented our healthy growth. Once we believe that others do care about us, we can open ourselves up to their help. Many of us were afraid for a long time, always hiding from reality, but today we have courage. This is how our lives expand and we experience spiritual growth. We found that when we stop running, the world stops chasing us. We thought that the world hated us and was in pursuit to hurt us. Active addiction would not allow us to see that those who cared for us loved and missed us.

Today, we can look at life's events and ourselves realistically. Through effort and application, we find God's Will revealed to us moment by moment. We stop placing expectations on other people and situations and practice acceptance instead. We realize that everything that happens to us, both good and bad, is only another lesson in living. Each morning we begin our day by asking God for knowledge of His will for us and for the power to carry it out. We know that the God of our understanding is in charge. Our lives are better and things are good. We asked for guidance and now we act on that guidance.

Therefore, we have fewer crises. Each night we end our day by expressing gratitude for all that we have experienced. By working with others, we keep our perspective of the Program fresh and invigorating. We feel connected to the world and celebrate the joy of living. We are grateful for every moment because we are alive, we are clean and we are free.

1.3.08


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Narcotics Anonymous Way of Life,
Traditions War: a pathway to peace,
The Spirit of NA
or NA Twenty Plus
being edited on this site.

N.A. FELLOWSHIP USE ONLY
Copyright © December 1998
Victor Hugo Sewell, Jr.

NA Foundation Group
6685 Bobby John Road Atlanta, GA 30349 USA

Disease Concept

Many of us arrive at our first NA meeting spiritually dead, emotionally crippled and in poor physical health. Overwhelmed by shame, guilt, self-hatred and the painful rewards of our self-centered lifestyle, we are relieved to find that we have a treatable disease. In NA, we have evolved a concept of the disease of addiction as arrived at by addicts recovering in NA. Our moral values, which we thought were long gone, can be revived by living in harmony with the principles found within the 12 Steps and Traditions of NA.

One of the first and most important tools we are given in our struggle to overcome addiction is an understanding of the disease. A thorough grasp of this new-found reality has opened the door to recovery for countless addicts worldwide.

A phrase often quoted to newcomers is "we are not responsible for our disease but we are responsible for our recovery." This short statement aptly captures the essence of the disease concept. We are no longer victims of some mysterious or other-worldly force. Rather than remaining overwhelmed by negative emotion, we are given a set of simple guidelines that we can apply to begin a journey toward inner peace and over all recovery.

Clinging to any reservations we may have in accepting the fact that we have a disease called addiction is referred to as denial. Denial of our condition is nothing more than an invitation to further pain and confusion. Denial is the mind game that all addict play to avoid dealing with reality and the consequences of our using. Often times our life-styles have become quite bizarre, yet we remain convinced that everything is normal. Denial is a mental operation of rationalization and justification used to shield us from the pain of our current situation.

NA offers a solution to those who stubbornly embrace denial and who doubt the fact that this disease is the source of our unmanageable lives. Newcomers are encouraged to write the first step of the NA program. When faced with the black and white evidence of our dilemma, it is difficult to deny the fact that this disease is controlling our actions, spoiling any hope of a meaningful lives.

Having accepted our disease, we must be careful to realize that our addiction can be easily transferred to other destructive behaviors such as going to extremes in the areas of; compulsive spending, over-eating and sexual acting out. New members are especially susceptible as many will use almost anything in an attempt to fill the void and emotional emptiness left as a result of giving up the primary symptom. Although applying the steps, going to meetings and using a sponsor does not offer the immediate gratification found in addictive lifestyle, it does offer the long term solutions we truly seek.

We know that addiction is a three-part illness. It is physical, mental and spiritual. There is no greater advantage to the addict seeking recovery than learning the disease concept of addiction. This has enabled hundreds of thousands of NA members to recover. The more we understand the direct connection between our pain and our disease, the less likely we are to allow ourselves to drift back into that patterns that precede relapse. We have to take care that symptoms of our disease such as; exerting power in powerless situations, credit taking, judgment of others, and reluctance to do our part do not gain control again. Pain does not cure our illness; it does motivate us to seek solutions. The most solemn vow and the strongest will power offer only temporary solutions. In our experience, until an addict finds the sincere desire to stop using there is little hope for recovery. It is this desire that fuels our recovery.

We have come to understand that we suffer from a disease called addiction. This disease tells us that we do not have a disease, and therefore our minds work against us. That is how it fools even the most inteligent people. If we cannot grasp the concept of addiction as an illness, as in a medical text book, we may think of it this way: the belief that this illness exists and is treatable will help us get results while denial of its existence will kill us. While we readily admitted to powerlessness over drugs in early recovery, most of us struggled with the concept of being powerless over our addiction. Our addiction exists with or without drugs. Even without drugs, the disease often shows up in compulsions such as; arrogance, gambling, spending, eating, lust and generally overdoing anything that makes us feel good.

Understanding that ours is not a moral problem usually comes as an enormous relief for those of us suffering from addiction's guilt and shame. Our new understanding lifts that heavy weight. Most of us thought we had a problem from which recovery was not possible. We do not know why we have this disease nor does it matter. What does matter is the solution for arresting its progression. We may pretend that everything is all right, but this pretense is only our denial at work. We understand from the beginning that NA does not offer a definitive solution for all problems. We are just addicts who have a disease and have found a way to live clean and productive lives. Addiction promised us a lot, gave us a little and took away everything. Today we are able to stay clean and achieve ongoing recovery by living the NA way of life.

One path that some take to recover from the symptoms of addiction is attacking them one by one. Many 12-step fellowships have appeared in the past 65 years using this method. We in Narcotics Anonymous have another approach. The First Step of NA says, "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction . . ." NA focuses not on what we used but on our addictive personalities that forced us to abuse many things. Addiction creates the emptiness inside us that drives us to seek contentment in all the wrong places. This step asks us to surrender our self-loathing, destructive thinking and behaviors. Then what? Upon closer examination, we have found that every harmful behavior exists because we do not love ourselves enough. We may deny this, but look at what we do to ourselves.

Expressing love opens the door for us to obtain freedom. We learn how to love by working the Steps and the Traditions. We learn to apply the spiritual principles embodied in them into our lives. It takes time, repeated effort and a willingness to learn real love. Many addicts have said that working with others got them through particularly tough times. When we show concern for another, we manage to divert attention from ourselves and our compulsions. We identify with the feelings that many addicts share because we have been there and done that.

We used more drugs, used more often, and substituted new drugs as our addiction progressed while the rest of our lives fell apart. Many of us covered our general failure by maintaining special skills or abilities. Our abilities diminished, and even the special skills we used to hide our addiction began to fail us. That strategy was to do an especially good job and keep others off our back. It was just another thing we did to use. We knew we were in conflict with the world. Making excuses, criticizing others, feeling inadequate, unworthy, guilty and fearful was our existence. Negativity became a way of life for us. Because of this unhealthy spiritual condition, we tried to escape. Our mental processes broke down and our thinking became obsessive. We thought that the answers to our problem were out there somewhere and if we could only get enough of one thing or another, we would be all right. The obsessive thinking that follows the process of spiritual disconnection ends with compulsive activity. This is a recurring and dangerous pattern. We have seen this pattern emerge in many ways after we got clean.

Addiction has created a pattern of fears and defense mechanisms to help us deal with life. When we could no longer hide the fact that our addiction had taken over our lives, we faced total collapse. We have found that the only way out is by total surrender. In spite of all the denial, evasive actions and repeated attempts to use successfully, nothing seemed to work. We came to a place where recovery started sounding good, even though it meant we could not continue using. Of course, we knew there would have to be a few changes.

One addict shared: "Having this disease is not my fault. We do not know why we have this disease nor does it matter. What matters is the solution for arresting the progress of the disease. This baffling and fatal disease compromises our morality. What would a cancer patient do for a cure, not to die? Just about anything, correct? The problem lies in not knowing we have a disease to begin with. Just as any cancer patient can identify with any other cancer patient, but may not accept his disease, so we as addicts may identify with others in recovery but still refuse to accept that we have a disease that must be treated."

Another addict shared: "I was unable to recognize my disease until I got into recovery. Today I am aware of its symptoms as they occur within me. Obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior characterizes my addiction. It follows a simple pattern. A loss of spirituality occurs when I slow down on meeting attendance, stop prayer and meditation, and take back my will. I lapse into self-centeredness and self-pity. Resentments set in and my gratitude goes out the window. Life becomes unmanageable because of this emotional relapse. I use something to change the way I feel and to fix me. I tried to cover up the pain and avoid uncomfortable feelings through laughter, people pleasing, and solving everyone else's problems. It didn't work. I had to surrender my will and my life to a Power that could heal me. After a hard and honest look at myself, I took responsibility for my part in the recovery process. Only then, was meaningful progress made."

The disease of addiction is one of reaction. When something happens, the fear that grows from our self-centered thinking pushes us into reacting. We feel threatened at every turn so we try to defend ourselves. When we feel attacked, we attack. Sometimes the attack happens only in our mind as we indulge in our resentments and fantasies of revenge. This is a common reaction but healthy recovering people do not dwell in this type of thinking for long. They interact positively with the people and events in their lives. They have learned to align their actions with their principles. This concept seems foreign to us when we are just beginning to identify our addiction. Addiction is rooted in the spirit and we call this self-centeredness. It is more than simple selfishness seeking its own way. The self-centeredness of addiction results in isolation, loneliness and alienation. It is feeling alone in the midst of a crowd, unloved in the bosom of our families, separated from our fellow human beings and even separated from the God of our understanding. We have found ourselves in a pit of despair where we feel that we are unique in our misery. We think no one can possibly understand how we feel because we believe no one has ever felt this way before.

While in this state of mind we may think of ourselves as the worst or the best. We fear letting others know who we really are because we believe that we are unlovable. We see every situation in the light of how it affects us. We are so insecure that we continually seek approval and acceptance from others, but seldom feel that we receive what we need. Self-centeredness tells we are totally alone. This is a fearful state of mind and many of us have lived in it for years. After a time, we can’t remember what it was like to live without these feelings.

As individuals, we deal with many spiritual and philosophical issues. We need to feed ourselves mentally and spiritually in order to deal with our physical and emotional differences. Many addicts have said, "Yes, I am powerless over drugs and they have made my life unmanageable, but I only came to NA to get clean. I can deal with other things on my own." Where other people can use, we cannot. Where they can control what and how much they use, we cannot. Where they can predict what will happen when they take even a small quantity of a drug, we cannot. So we tried dealing with life by buying things, gaining social acceptability, eating, gambling, working, not working, suffering emotional swings, feeling self-pity, having sex, and all the other ‘fixes.’ In the end, we had the same spiritual void that the drugs could not fill. We give our thoughts power as we plan the outcome without expectations. We begin to see how acting out on our desires can fix us. We imagine all the intricate details needed to accomplish our goal and justify our actions. By now it may seem impossible for us to turn back.

Some have said that we suffer from a love deficiency and that we are lovers in distress. Our addiction uses everything that we do to reduce positive human contact. All the terms we made up to describe ourselves are negative and signify low energy: droopy, lame, down, messed up, out of it, etc. No matter which symptom or substance we pursue, we are as determined as a hungry predator closing in on its prey. Our drive toward these obsessions can be every bit as strong as was our compulsion to get high . We have found ourselves manipulating, lying and stealing to achieve our ends. We are in the grip of our disease and we do not want to turn back. Consequently, we indulge ourselves to the point that we just cannot do any more. Dissatisfied, we finally surrender only to find ourselves with an addictive disorder looking for a way to express itself. We have found that we could not stop by our own force of will. The fulfillment that our obsessive thinking promised never happened. No matter how much we got or did, we were never satisfied. Therefore, we have to practice total abstinence from all drugs, foods containing drugs, ice cream with liqueur, cold remedies with codeine, near beer beverages or anything else that could trigger active addiction. Our understanding has to improve and our personalities rebuilt to allow us to function successfully. We call this work spiritual because it affects our spirits.

Members of the Fellowship of NA have experience in practicing total abstinence over drugs. Many have applied the principle of "not picking up the first one" to overcome other self-destructive behaviors that have made our lives unmanageable (e.g. smoking tobacco, gambling, stealing, lying, etc.). What can we do about the necessary things of life that our disease causes us to use in a destructive way? Are we destined to be helpless victims or is there hope for us in these areas too? For many of us, the compulsive symptoms other than drug use were non-existent or secondary problems during our active addiction. It was not until the drugs left our lives that we had to face our obsessions with food, sex, over-spending, or other things. Some of us have not found long-term relief from this aspect of our disease even after years in recovery.

One of our greatest challenges is learning to stop compulsive behavior as it occurs. Identifying a non-chemical relapse is not always as cut and dried as it is with being clean. With drugs, either we used or we did not. With some other symptoms prescribed medication enters the picture. There are more shades of gray and the line between abstinence and relapse can be more blurred. Daily inventories coupled with regular prayer and meditation has proven invaluable for keeping our awareness heightened and our program on track.

Addictive overeaters cannot practice total abstinence. Anorexia or bulimia is not recovery from compulsive eating. The key to recovery is eating sensibly and moderately as a permanent lifestyle. We want to be able to eat to live, rather than live to eat. As one member said, "Recovery from overeating is much harder than when I stopped using because I still have to ‘kiss the dragon’ several times a day!" The same holds true for the compulsive spender. It is not our goal to turn from spendthrift to penny-pincher. We want to learn how to set up a reasonable budget and work within those parameters. What about the members who compulsively seek out sexual gratification or destructive relationships? A period of abstinence from sexual activity may be necessary for detoxing while we do a thorough inventory, work with our sponsor, develop personal boundaries and in some cases, seek additional help. While total abstinence from sex is possible, how many of us look forward to a lifetime of celibacy? Most of us have envisioned healthy and loving relationships as our goal.

Spiritual relapses frequently occur before we know it if we are not vigilant. If a spiritual relapse happens, forgiving ourselves for our mistakes and working the program "just for today" is even more crucial. Without this persistence, we could easily become discouraged and give up altogether. Never let yesterday's relapse be a reason to use today! At these times when we feel disheartened, many of us find comfort in revisiting the Third Step. We realize that our Higher Power is always present and can help us get through any situation. The road to recovery is long and will contain some potholes along the way. In time, we learn to be grateful for our non-chemical symptoms as well. They act as caution lights, warning us that there is something wrong which needs our immediate attention. Many of us have been down this path and have experienced the miracle of recovery from addiction. We cherish the freedom and inner peace that results from a surrender that is more than simple abstinence from the use of drugs. Recovery is the process of regaining the power to live. Everything we do in recovery increases positive human contact. This allows us to move up the scale to high-energy states of being that do not make us "loaded". We know the results if we use and that can be boring! The excitement is in living clean because we are never sure what will happen. We frequently find ourselves expecting similar situations to lead to old outcomes only to find differences that crop up and gradually ease away our fears. Total abstinence, the desire for recovery, nature, time and patience are the great healers.

One addict shared: "I believe that the use of barbiturates in my early life for seizures has created the possibility for me to be addicted to everything I come in contact with. The ability to stop using was only over when there was no more money, drugs or people to use. Using in the morning was the only way to ‘kick start' this body of mine. My compulsion to live within my own paranoia was both gripping and frightening. It was inconceivable to me that life would ever change. This lifestyle became tolerable. The others that used as I did seemed to be in the midst of all the social activity. Life would not have changed until I surrendered and accepted my problem. I worked because work was only a way to earn money for my addiction. I found it easy to be successful but eventually the disease of addiction took over and the job was expendable. The streets became the reality."

In recovery, we have found that our complicated disease boiled down to simple descriptions and simple facts. Powerlessness was one aspect. Denial of our problem was another telltale sign. Blaming others for our problems was a sign of our inability to take personal responsibility. Substitution was another sign, using anything and not being able to stop once we had started. Not being able to predict what would happen once we started using was another. One of the strangest things was the way our addiction forced us to use against our own will. We let down those we loved and those who loved us the most. Isolation resulted when we ran out of people. When we first notice that nervous and uncomfortable feeling, we can pause and become quiet. We can make a decision to turn the disease over to the God of our understanding. We choose peace of mind over discomfort. If we address these feelings when they first appear, we avoid the trap of insanity. As our mind searches for the quick fix, we must remind ourselves of the pain that easy solutions have brought us in the past. We play the tape all the way through to the end, not just stopping at the part where we get what we want. We admit the consequences of our actions and honestly ask ourselves if it is worth it. We consider the positive choices and give them preference to the negative ones.

What if we are obsessing on one of our destructive symptoms and have started the process of picking-up? Are we doomed to follow it through to the bitter end? Remember that we never have to give-in to our disease. We can call someone or go to a meeting if one is available. We can pray to our Higher Power to give us the strength we need to stop the madness. Many of us identify our addiction as an allergic reaction like poison ivy or a bee-sting. Some people are not bothered by a bee sting beyond a minor discomfort. It is commonly known that someone who has had little more than momentary pain from a bee sting can progress in his or her allergy without knowing it. One more bee sting and they can swell up like a balloon! Many addicts can relate to addiction as something like diabetes and meetings as the insulin. This basic picture grows into something more complete and at the same time, it keeps us coming back.

As we grow spiritually, the internal battle may grow larger. In some of us, our system seemed to adapt to the drugs as our tolerance increased. Sometimes that adaptation seems to reverse and we are more susceptible and only a little will get us high. Many of us tried to substitute to avoid the unpleasant side effects of withdrawal. As addiction began to re-establish itself in our lives, we lost our ability to be around everyday people. We found it harder and harder to play the game of life convincingly. What the world did not know about addiction **** near killed us.

Looking at life as a clean addict gives us a whole new picture. We know that people can kill with their good intentions as if we are nothing more than lab rats. They speak with great authority on subjects they cannot possibly understand. It is important to realize that they repeat the promises of a world that offers countless products to make us feel good. We addicts are responsible to seek reliable information in order to live clean. We see where our addiction created a fantastic pattern of fears and defense mechanisms to deal with the hallucinations that we thought happened when we were using.

Even those who help us may be extremely limited in other areas of their lives yet they are entirely competent when it comes to staying clean on a daily basis. Their admission of powerlessness helps us come to terms with our own.

Some external factors can initiate temporary relief but we know that continued relief depends on personal responsibility. Our desire for recovery guides us to the very things we need most. This usually begins with our commitment to stay clean. Positive change and a revolutionary attitude can destroy a loser's point of view. As our addiction progresses during recovery, we must grow spiritually to hold it in check. Transition from a shame-based concept to a hope-based concept of self is necessary. Hope and the possibility of positive change compete with our accustomed state of despair. We must rebuild our personalities in order to function successfully. Surrender is the foundation of recovery. It opens the door to help from sources outside of our experience. When we recognize where we were and where we are now, we give credit to God and call it grace. Only by attaining and maintaining a sense of powerlessness can we keep surrendering and admitting our need for help.

The disease concept opens doors and encourages us to risk energy and to try again. Without the validation of the disease concept, the sense of powerlessness may be overwhelming. What addict has not tried and tried again to stop using and change his way of life? We failed and fell into a spiral of low self-esteem, defeat, and acceptance of our condition as permanent. When addicts hear about the disease concept, eventually, they identify. When asked what addiction feels like, we struggle to define it in accurate terms. It may first appear as a nervous or anxious sensation. We have a general feeling of being uncomfortable. Something just does not seem quite right and our minds start searching for an answer. With incredible speed we scan through our mental file cabinet for answers that have been stored away for just this situation. In a fraction of a second, we can usually focus on what we think will make us feel better. Sadly, this is only a temporary solution to our dilemma. The real solution is in taking personal responsibility for ourselves and our actions. We find a small amount of hope for a better way of life. We are relieved of the hopelessness of our addiction. The excitement of our hope attracts many newcomers.

Working the Steps relieves the symptoms. We learn that the disease of addiction is incurable, progressive and fatal if not arrested daily. The urge to live explains our continued interest and energy we put into maintaining our recovery. The answers that we share have proven themselves in the most important arena of all: our very lives. This is why it takes us years to fully understand the NA way of life. We spent a long time learning how not to live. We work the Program on a daily basis so we can continue to grow. We continue to monitor our feelings, thoughts and actions. This is the process of recovery. It is not an event, but a way of life.

People have painful living problems and suffer from the illusion that life's lessons aren't lessons but personal misfortunes that they deserved. They confuse this with their personal worth as human beings. As addicts, we base many of our feelings, reactions, and decisions on experiences that took place in the past or while we were loaded. We were in denial over the fact that all our perceptions of life where drug induced. We spent all our time with other addicts who told us that we were doing just fine. We automatically cut ourselves off from non-addicts who could point our irrational thinking.

It is worth discussing this subject in some depth because in a short time, addiction makes us forget our past. Non-addicts expect us to snap-out of the patterns of addictive thinking, acting and reacting by just putting down the drugs. They think that we can act as if nothing happened. After all, is that not what recovery is all about? No! It is not! Recovery is learning a new way to live. We do that by facing past and healing, not by avoiding it.

The Program of Narcotics Anonymous teaches us that we have choices. By practicing spiritual principles we arrest insane patterns of self-indulgence and self-gratification. Knowing that using is loosing is not enough. . . we must find a way to live differently. This is why we call it ‘working' the Steps. By working the steps we find that faith coupled with action brings change, hope replaces despair and faith in a power greater than ourselves empowers us to do greater things. We must repeatedly throw ourselves into contact with clean addicts in every conceivable situation. This is how we learn how to go through situations without using. Once into recovery, many of us cannot explain exactly how we have stayed clean. Grace (undeserved favor) is how we got clean in the first place. It enhances our ability to act on faith and trust God to help us.

How many times have we struggled with our obsessive thinking and compulsive behaviors only to find ourselves having to surrender one more time? We have accepted our condition as permanent. Symptoms appeared to offer satisfaction only to leave us feeling cheated. We expected positive outcomes in our endeavors but they were never sufficient. Total abstinence, a desire for spiritual growth, and practicing principles will relieve the pain of our addiction. The spirituality acquired by working the steps is necessary if we are to stay clean. We no longer use to change how we feel, we utilize the steps to heal our feelings. Spirituality has the power to do this. An addict believing in a higher power, responsive to his cries for help, is well on his way to recovery. Don't give up five minutes before the miracle, as long as there is life left in us, there is hope for recovery.

1.3.08


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Narcotics Anonymous Way of Life,
Traditions War: a pathway to peace,
The Spirit of NA
or NA Twenty Plus
being edited on this site.

N.A. FELLOWSHIP USE ONLY
Copyright © December 1998
Victor Hugo Sewell, Jr.

NA Foundation Group

~*~A.A. Thoughts For The Day~*~
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(\ ~~ /)
( \ (AA)/ )
(_ /AA\ _)
/AA\
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Affirmation!

"Taking advantage of technological advances, for example,
AA members with computers
can participate in meetings online,
sharing with fellow alcoholics across the country
or around the world.
Fundamentally, though, the difference between
an electronic meeting and the home group around the corner
is only one of format.
In any meeting, anywhere, AA's share experience,
strength, and hope with each other,
in order to stay sober and help other alcoholics.
Modem-to-modem or face-to-face,
AA's speak the language of the heart
in all its power and simplicity."
c. 2001AAWS, Alcoholics Anonymous, Foreword to Fourth Edition, p. xxiv

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Thought to Consider . . .

AA is where "we" make miracles.

*~*~*AACRONYMS*~*~*
H O P E = Happy Our Program Exists.


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*~*~*~*~*^Just For Today!^*~*~*~*~*


Baffling Feature
From: "More About Alcoholism"
For those who are unable to drink moderately the question is how to stop altogether. We are assuming, of course, that the reader desires to stop. Whether such a person can quit upon a nonspiritual basis depends upon the extent to which he has already lost the power to choose whether he will drink or not. Many of us felt that we had plenty of character. There was a tremendous urge to cease forever. Yet we found it impossible. This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it - this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish.

2001, AAWS, Inc., Alcoholics Anonymous, page 34


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*~*~*~*~*^ Big Book Quote ^*~*~*~*~*
"Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely
looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest,
self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely
our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely.
Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man's.
When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in
black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to
set these matters straight."

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, How It Works, pg. 67~


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Misc. AA Literature - Quote




As the doubter tries the process of prayer, he should begin to add up the results. If he persists, he will almost surely find more serenity, more tolerance, less fear, and less anger. He will acquire a quiet courage, the kind that isn't tension-ridden. He can look at 'failure' and 'success' for what these really are. Problems and calamity will begin to mean his instruction, instead of his destruction. He will feel freer and saner.
The idea that he may have been hypnotizing himself by auto-suggestion will become laughable. His sense of purpose and of direction will increase. His anxieties will commence to fade. His physical health will be likely to improve. Wonderful and unaccountable things will start to happen. Twisted relations in his family and on the outside will improve surprisingly.

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Member Submitted Quote



Being an alcoholic does not give me the excuse to act alcoholicly.

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12 x 12 Quote

"Why did AA finally drop all its membership regulations? Why did we
leave it to each newcomer to decide himself whether he was an alcoholic
and whether he should join us? Why did we dare to say, contrary to the
experience of society and government everywhere, that we would neither
punish nor deprive any AA of membership, that we must never compel
anyone to pay anything, believe anything, or conform to anything?"
(Twelve and Twelve, Tradition Three, pg. 141)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7elxC8LXfzE

A Return to Living

Today, I keep my house clean and let go of the rest - some of the ways that I wish to live as a recovered person will not be readily understood by others. I will keep my own scorecard clean and not worry about the results. I will act in a way that makes it easier for me to live with myself � that keeps my own conscience clear. Other people's negative projections of me no longer run me. I am the one who makes the decisions about who I want to be. I need not defend and explain myself again and again. I need not ask permission to be who I am. I allow myself to be happy in my own skin today. I think well of myself, no matter what others think of me.

I create my own self.
- Tian Dayton PhD