CyberRecovery Page 7

Hey everyone. I'm a addict with Brendan problem. I haven't made any meetings in a long time. I'm starting to get back into recovery mode but my life is so busy I can't drive a hour to the nearest meeting place. I'm going to try the online thing for while. Wish me luck :)

I've looked over a few posts from other people on here and feel distinctly like I got the good end of the stick, since so many of you seem to have had a far worse experience than me.

I admittedly don't remember much about my mother being an alcoholic, because I was only eight or nine when she suffered that phase of her life, and perhaps that is essentially what's bothering me. It was only after I spoke to my boyfriend (now ex-) about my worst memories that it hit me that I hadn't breathed a word to anyone about this in over ten years. Since then it's plagued me a little, and I have a lot of questions for the people who were involved - mostly if any of them remember. And I want to ask them, but that chapter of our lives is so over for them all, which Mom being completely reformed, that I don't want to drag it up.

I don't think it's much regarding her even, as much as the other people involved. My now-stepdad threw her and me out on the street when he found her alcohol stash in his garage, and it seems it never crossed his mind to help or protect me. That behaviour has always carried forward. She had a depressed rage when I was a teenager, and he stormed out to get the police because she was apparently acting so crazy, but left me, at 13, to protect his 12 month old son from her. I have no idea if Dad ever actually found out at all, clueless as he can be at times. Mom and I had no family support network, so I was left to cope wit her alone.

All this also means something else: that I am the only one who remembers any of it. And it bothers me because of my age at the time - even though those memories have been burned into my mind, now it's not so much images themselves as the narrative I've been remembering and telling myself since it happened. It's more like a police statement or something - I only remember it from the words, not the images themselves anymore, and even though I'm sure I'm right about what happened because not one word of my story has changed since, I still feel uncertain because it's all so hazy.

I am seriously considering taking myself back to the places where my bad memories happened and trying to "relive" it. What do you think? Does anyone have a similar experience?

I am now officially "clean" for one year. I'm loving this new life. My daughter bought me a book titled "Believing in Myself" for my birthday present and today's meditation thought was so appropriate.

"Fare thee well, I must leave thee,
Do not let this parting grieve thee.
Just remember that the best of friends must part-"
Anonymous

We can't go forward until we say goodbye to what is behind us. So goodbye, Using life, I'm moving on to :12:bigger and better things.

~*~A.A. Thoughts For The Day~*~
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/AA\
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Service

"Service, gladly rendered, obligations squarely met,
troubles well accepted or solved with God's help,
the knowledge that at home or in the world outside
we are partners in a common effort,
the well-understood fact that in God's sight
all human beings are important,
the proof that love freely given surely brings a full return,
the certainty that we are no longer isolated and alone
in self-constructed prisons,
the surety that we need no longer be square pegs
in round holes
but can fit and belong in God's scheme of things --
these are the permanent and legitimate satisfactions
of right living
for which no amount of pomp and circumstance,
no heap of material possessions,
could possibly be substitutes."
c. 1952AAWS, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 124
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Thought to Consider . . .

Service is spirituality in action.

*~*~*AACRONYMS*~*~*
H O P E = Helping Other People Every day

WRONG OR RIGHT?

"Abraham begot Isaac.... Now Isaac pleaded with the LORD for his wife, because she was barren; and the LORD granted his plea, and Rebekah his wife conceived."
- (Genesis 25:19-21 NKJV)

Abraham had a son named Isaac, who went on to have twin sons
of his own. One was named Esau and the other was named Jacob. Even though they
were twins, Esau was born ahead of Jacob, which counted for a lot in biblical
times because the firstborn was entitled to receive the birthright, or
spiritual mantle, from their father.





After a few years, it became clear to Esau's mother that he
wasn't the one to carry on the spiritual legacy established by Abraham. He was
alive to the world yet dead to the things of God. Surely, Jacob would be a
better standard-bearer for the family. So Rebekah disguised Jacob as Esau, and
she tricked her husband into passing the birthright on to the younger son
instead.





In hindsight, it's clear that Jacob was a better candidate
than Esau. But we still can't get away from the fact that something wrong
happened here. Deception was used to try and advance God's agenda. People
resorted to sin to produce something righteous. This shows us how subtle and
deceptive sin can be. Here we have Rebekah and Jacob doing something so
wrong...something that they're convinced is so right! In an ironic twist, the
deceivers were also the ones who were deceived-deceived into thinking their
wrong was right.





Did God ultimately manage to redeem the situation? He did,
but there were some painful consequences. Jacob ran away from home because Esau
was so angry with him. The house was now divided, the brothers were now
enemies, and Rebekah would never see Jacob again.





What we need to take away from this story is that sin is
deceptive. So much so that it has the ability to make us think wrong is
actually right.



Godspeaks

Yes, the "former atheist" in the title is me. I was a strong atheist for 10 years, but today I have a relationship with God.

My father was a lifelong agnostic and my mother a "sunday Christian" who never made any real effort to follow her faith except in a vaguely superstitious way.

As a kid, I went to several different flavors of Protestant Christian churches: Episcopalian, Charismatic, Presbyterian, Lutheran, Baptist (general baptist), and United Methodist. At the age of 12, as a member in a Christian youth group, I became a Christian, was baptized, was in the Youth Choir, and all of that.

However, after encountering vast hypocrisy from just about everyone over the next 8 years, I found myself very disillusioned with the Church. I drifted into agnosticism for a period of three years in which I studied various religions and phllosophies from Taoism to Wicca to Zoroastrianism to Sikhism.

Nothing really caught my fancy and, meanwhile, my addiction was rapidly spiraling out of control.

I fell in with some Nihilists and some Atheists. It wasn't long before I became an Atheist myself. I continued my religious studies, but more for the purpose of being able to debate against religions than out of any spiritual calling. I became extremely well-versed in Christianity (my primary opponents) and spent many years debating them online and at various public events.

On one forum, however, I encountered a small group of Christians, Jews, and Muslims who not only practiced their faith, but also were wise enough to see past my belligerence. Though I was still an Atheist, in time I began to gradually see that not everyone who believed in God was a hypocrite or a slobbering, mindless idiot.

Still, I wrestled with the concept of faith and God. I now realize that one reason I stayed with these people for so long (seven years) was because I desperately wanted to believe in something; I secretly envied people who had faith in a Higher Power.

I was still an Atheist when I had my Moment of Clarity and got into Recovery. I had a hell of a time with the whole 12-step concept at first, of course, especially Steps 1-3. When I used to say the Serenity Prayer, I would say, "Self, grant me the serenity..."

After two years in program, I attended my first international convention. I smoke and, during the convention, hung out outside with the other smokers numerous times talking, exchanging stories, and getting to know each other.
Many of them had much more sobriety and recovery than me and all of them had a relationship with God.

A few weeks later, I was in the bathtub reading the Big Book. I was reading Bill's Story, page 11, and came across this:

Like myself, he had admitted complete defeat. Then he had, in effect, been raised from the dead, suddenly taken from the scrap heap to a level of life better than the best he had ever known!

Then this:

Had this power originated in him? Obviously it had not. There had been no more power in him than there was in me at that moment, and this was none at all.

Thinking back to the convention, I remembered all the other addicts I'd spoken to. I knew da_mn well that they had no more power than me. So where had the power come from?

I got ouf of the bathtub and, dripping wet, knelt on the floor. I remember this very clearly. I prayed, "God, if there is a god, help me. I can't do this by myself. If you're willing to help me, I make myself your servant and I leave nothing for myself. I will live the life that you choose and I will trust you."

Then, suddenly, BAM!!!

I felt something happen unlike anything I have ever experienced before. At that moment, I felt a sudden warmth come over me: a feeling of great love and compassion and strength. I experienced it physically, emotionally, intellectually, and, for the first time, spiritually. My clumsy summary doesn't do it justice: it was something I felt with every atom of my being and more. I have done my share of drugs, but no drug experience even came close to this. It was a feeling to total love that completely encompassed me.

I felt the presence of God for the first time in my life.

In that moment, I also understood that God had always been with me, just waiting for the right time - waiting for me give up my self and follow God's will with complete humility.

That was the most important moment of my life. It was a turning point where I was able to look beyond the wreckage of my past and see the very real possibility of a whole new world.

Since that time, I still struggle with my faith. I still struggle to be humble and to follow the path God lays down for me. But I'm working on it and God is patient with me. God continues to reveal more to me, teaching me lessons, and giving me the strength and courage to do follow and to listen.

And I know now that no matter what happens or what roads I walk, I will never be alone again.

Many of you are aware of the late night talkshow host Craig Ferguson.

Not too long ago, he outed himself as an Alcoholic during a monologue. Some of it is funny, but it makes a very clear statement about the nature of the disease.

This vid is kinda long - about 12.5 minutes - but very much worth it.

Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bbaRyDLMvA

Arrested development is a common theme among recovering people. I found this article on Oprah's site.

if you want to take the quiz here is the link http://www.oprah.com/survey/spirit/e...ag_emotionquiz

if not - just read on:


How old are you emotionally?
You know what it says on your driver's license. But sometimes you feel 17 or 10 or sometimes, yes, two. Use this quiz to recognize what age you're really functioning at—and how to grow up fast.

None of us grows up evenly. Supreme Court justices cling to schoolyard dirty jokes; corporate executives may sob helplessly over saucepans. You can't turn back the clock and be 16 again, but go to your parents' house for Christmas and you could hit 16 emotionally in about 20 minutes. While chronological age is progressive through time, emotional age is a layering of maturity over our earlier coping styles. Stress us, and we strip right down to basics.

The four emotional ages—infant, child, adolescent and adult—are marked by different ways of going about getting what we want.
Here's what the letters corresponding to your answers mean:

D: THE EMOTIONAL INFANT
The emotional infant simply does not recognize the rest of the world. When you need something, you howl until you get it and feel no need to give back. This primitive "feed me" strategy works so remarkably well for some people that they stay stuck; they get a whole lot of stuff and not much sense of self. Even those of us who've moved on revisit infancy more often than we care to admit. Romantic relationships, in particular, seem to trigger relapses, probably because any passionate bond snaps us right back to our first baby attachment: You have what I need. I demand it.

You'll know you're there when you hear yourself argue, "If you loved me, you'd…" Only infants get fed solely because they are loved, with nothing asked in return.

C: THE EMOTIONAL CHILD
The emotional child clearly recognizes that there are powerful others who control the important resources of attention, support, money and love (or sex). Most likely you don't feel like an equal in your relationships, but you're a wily and instinctive negotiator. Your underlying attitude is "You have things I want, and I will find ways to get them from you." You're adorable, pleasing, needy, prone to tantrums, withholding or utterly seductive.

You'll know you're there when you catch yourself between a wheedle and a whine. If you notice you're sneaking to get your way or shifting the blame to avoid your punishment, welcome back to childhood. The payoff may be getting what you want, but it comes at the price of putting yourself down.

B: THE EMOTIONAL ADOLESCENT
The emotional adolescent also sees others as more powerful, but is much less comfortable with their perceived authority. You flip back and forth, sometimes insisting on total independence, no matter the price ("No, I won't call to tell my husband my plane's going to be late. I don't have to report to him"), and other times expecting to be rescued ("I just assumed he'd be at the airport. He knows I can't manage this luggage on my own"). The emotional adolescent wants either nothing or everything, and sometimes both in the same argument.

You'll know you're there when you can't give in, even when a part of your brain recognizes that the other person is making a fair point. When you insist on something that's not that important to you ("This is my side of the bathroom and I'll say whether it's too messy"), you're no longer arguing for a point. Instead you're fighting to assert your power, having unconsciously lost some already by turning yourself into a teenager and your "opponent" into a parent.

Relationship ambivalence is the scarlet letter of the emotional adolescent. If you have a love-hate connection to your boss, your best friend, your lover or your parent, that's a tip-off that you're either clinging to adolescence or you're caught in its quicksand.

A: THE EMOTIONAL ADULT
The emotional adult recognizes her own needs and understands that the people close to her may have conflicting desires. For instance, you can accept (although sometimes grudgingly—adulthood is not sainthood) that your husband might very well decide to enjoy a friend's bachelor party rather than honor his in-law's anniversary as you'd hoped. That husband, when he's functioning as an emotional adult, could acknowledge that his failure to show up at the anniversary bash would hurt you and your family. (Hurt—not maim, devastate or destroy, as your infant self is pleading. But definitely sting.) Together as a couple you could negotiate a solution that either satisfied both of you or, more likely, take care of one of you in this round with a clear emotional I.O.U. for the sacrificing spouse.

You'll know you're there when you can strike a balance between getting what you want and giving what is needed. When you can defer to someone else without feeling powerless and hold your ground without fearing abandonment, you're a grown-up. Savor it. Push yourself to this peak as often as possible.

I guess that is why in the beginning of recovery they talk about taking baby steps.....:2:

Yeah I found myself on all 4 levels :blush:

I clearly remember trying to numb my feelings in my addiction. I also remember when no amount of chemicals worked anymore to numb them.
I also remember being new in recovery - stone cold sober - and still feeling numb. Then in my first year when my feelings "arrived" - being confused at what I was feeling...not even having a vocabulary for what I was feeling and not being able to identify what I was feeling. my feelings were so foreign they were scrambled or still very fundamental - Happy, sad, mad, hurt, glad...ect

I also remember when i was new - wanting to sidetrack my feelings - avert them - deny them - or produce a feeling that wasn't even there wihtout chemicals by using "other" things.....drama - sex -relationships - attention - overachievement - self pity -false pride - arguments -the need to be right...ect.

but by far best and worst dysfunctional coping skill I used was intellectualization which included mental justifications and rationalizations.... As long as I could stay up in my head - I didn't have to "feel" anything below the neck....in that way I could still effectively avoid what I was really feeling. In short - I found other ways to run from my feelings. None of it was healthy and none of it "resolved" anything nor did I come to terms with accepting my feelings. And that is exactly what I needed to do.

I finally came to the conclusion that running from my feelings was not working and if I wanted to improve the qualtiy of my life and grow up emotionally I was going to have to face my feelings....walk through them....acknowledge them....honor them...heal them and then come to terms and walk out the other side with a better plan than my own. I did that with the help of the 12 steps, my sponsor, a therapist, and a couple of really close freinds in the fellowship and of course lots of prayer.

Here is reading that I like by Iyanla Vanzant in a daily meditation book called "Until Today" - Daily meditations for spiritual growth and peace of mind.

Quote: I am willing to acknowledge…it is safe for me to acknowledge and honor my feelings!

It is standard operating procedure among human beings to act as if everything is all right, all of the time. No matter how sick, sad, upset, frightened, or confused we may be. If someone asks, “How are you!” the standard response is, “Fine”. Nothing destroys self-worth, self-acceptance and self-love, faster than denying what you feel. We humans need to realize whatever we feel is just fine and that we are just fine, no matter what we feel.

Without feelings, you would not know where you are in your life. Nor would you know what areas you need to work on. When something doesn’t feel right, you are motivated to change. Feelings keep you alive. They invigorate and educate. Feelings are like hound dogs. They sniff out what you are hunting down. This means that your feelings are inspirational and motivational. When you deny what you feel, you are not grounded. You let your guard down, sometimes to your own detriment.

It is true that your feelings can deceive you. You can feel good in a bad situation. You can feel bad in a good situation. This is what happens when you stifle your feelings. You cannot tell one from the other. Feelings are sensors. When you learn to keep the channels clear with the full expression of your feelings, your emotional essence develops and matures. It is also true that you do not want to be a slave to your feelings.

Feelings that go up and down like a roller coaster are often the result of a physical or chemical imbalance in the body. The key to the development of a healthy emotional essence is to acknowledge what you feel. Until today, you may not have been honoring your feelings. Allow yourself to feel them. S Admit to yourself what you feel. If you really want to give yourself an opportunity to grow and heal, admit exactly what you are feeling to one other living person.

Today I am devoted to honoring what I feel until I feel better!

Until Today- Iyanla Vanzant I am not perfect at accepting my feelings today - but I am so much better than I used to be. One of the very best new habits I have come up with to deal with them - is to journal them out first.....it helps me clairify them....purge them....honor them....and cope through them in healthy ways. It also creates an atmosphere of self trust with me - that I am capable and able to address my feelings today in self honoring ways.

light and love

Gail

:85::85::195:My sobriety date is March 17,2009 !!!:29::smile::D

~*~A.A. Thoughts For The Day~*~
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Peace of Mind

"AA has taught me that I will have peace of mind
in exact proportion to the peace of mind
I bring into the lives of other people,
and it has taught me the true meaning of the admonition
'happy are ye who know these things and do them.'
For the only problems I have now are those I create
when I break out in a rash of self-will."
c. 1976AAWS, Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 551
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Thought to Consider . . .

I never imagined that the greatest achievement of my life
would be peace of mind.

*~*~*AACRONYMS*~*~*
P E A C E = Providing Experienced Attitude Changes Every day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKq4tJte0lQ

For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace.
— 1 Corinthians 14:33 (KJV)

I was holding a meeting in Kansas City, and it came to my heart to ask the audience how many of them were confused. There were about 300 people at that meeting, and from what I could tell, 298 of them raised their hands. And my husband was one of the two who didn't raise a hand. I can tell you that Dave has never been confused in his life because he doesn't worry. He doesn't try to figure out anything. He is not interested in having all the answers to everything because he trusts God.

When you trust God, you can relax and enjoy life. You don't have to go through life worrying and trying to figure out how to solve all your problems. Think about all the things you have worried about in your life and how they have all worked out. That ought to help you realize that worry and reasoning are a waste of time and energy. Stop worrying. Stop complicating your life by trying to figure out everything. Just admit that you don't know, that you are not able, that you need God. Then go on living, and enjoy life while God is giving you the answers.

Joyce Meyer

Took sponsee to dr. appt yesterday where we found out she has been having mini strokes. She will be treated with meds. Please lift her up

To get results like you have never seen before, you must become something you have never been before. The question I have for you today is "What have you never been before, that could really help you now?"


And if you're interested in a little mental workout, here's some hypothetical questions to help you exercise your ability to think for yourself, and make your own decisions about what things really mean:


1. If you were really committed to getting sober, but had no access to meetings, no internet connection, no telephone, and no one else to talk to, how would you go about it?

2. If the only person who could help you was yourself, would you abandon all hope of healing? Would you write yourself off as lost? Or would you find some other way to get the problem solved?

3. And if you had nobody else to give you any feedback, then how would you know when you are definitely making progress?

4. What would be some of the initial targets or milestones you would strive for, totally on your own, whether anybody else ever even knew or cared about your problem?

5. What's stopping you from doing that now?


:smile:

~*~A.A. Thoughts For The Day~*~
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(_ /AA\ _)
/AA\
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Recovery

"Most emphatically we wish to say
that any alcoholic capable of honestly facing his problems
in the light of our experience can recover,
provided he does not close his mind to spiritual concepts.
He can only be defeated by an attitude
of intolerance or belligerent denial.
We find that no one need have difficulty
with the spirituality of the program.
Willingness, honesty and open mindedness
are the essentials of recovery.
But these are indispensable"
c. 1976AAWS, Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 570
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Thought to Consider . . .

The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.

*~*~*AACRONYMS*~*~*
W H O = Willingness, Honesty, Openmindedness

This is my first post here and I am beginning my long journey to recovery or to find some sort of peace within myself


My father was an alcoholic from the time I can remember. Used to drink every night, verbally and physically abuse me. My father was mostly absent from my childhood until the age of 6 or 7 due to being in the Navy and when he retired he re-appeared in my life so to speak. I don't really know why he singled me out or why it effected me so badly. Sometimes I tried to stop his drinking or hide his alcohol or pour it down the drain and that made him even more violent and angry. It also made me extremely frustrated and upset. I can only guess that I felt betrayed by him (he finally comes back and then when he does, he's dedicated his life to Miller Lite). I was often responsible for making sure he didn't hurt himself or burn down the house. I often felt like I hated him.

During my last year of highschool I had nervous breakdown of sorts and had to seek help for depression and anxiety disorder. I don't know why my father's drinking effected me this way especially when I wanted nothing to do with him. I got help and eventually, after a year or so, I start feeling much better. I also left for college and removed myself from the chaos of my home life. I also met my boyfriend of three years.

My boyfriend drinks and he used to abuse alcohol by binge drinking. His favorite story to tell was when got drunk, ate an enormous volume of Ramen, puked it up and then passed out in his own vomit. His friend with whom he was drinking with wandered off into the woods behind his house and went missing. Later that morning he was discovered passed out by some railroad tracks down by the river.

My boyfriend knows about my problems and especially after seeing me upset and after becoming more mature, going to school, and getting a job with the police force he no longer does anything like this sort of irresponsible behavior that I described above.

However he is turning 21 soon and plans to drink on a regular basis. Whenever I he drinks or even if I know he is going out to drink, I feel a rush of extreme anxiety and anger and self-hatred. All of the pain of my past with my father comes to my surface and I feel trapped and overwhelmed by it. I am sure many people here know the sort of pain I am talking about. It is all-consuming and all I can do is lay in silence or cry. It feels like I am full of pain and anguish and no matter what I do, I cannot rid myself or my body of it because there is so much.

In particular my boyfriend plans to get wasted with his brothers on his birthday. I have begged and begged him to reconsider this decision. I know I am using manipulative and controlling behavior in order to get him to do what I want so I can avoid re-living the pain that I experienced during my childhood.

I just want to know where to go from here. I love my boyfriend so much and he is one of my only places to go for support. He knows everything I have gone through and we have survived a lot together. I don't want to loose him, but the pain and anguish I feel when I know he is drinking or when he drinks is going to destroy me.

I know I need to get therapy, will I ever be able to cope with my boyfriend drinking? How long will it take? I am at a very bad place with my depression and I don't know if I have the energy to get through all of my issues

The Broken Cord

We little knew that morning that God
was going to call your name
In life we loved you dearly,
In death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you,
You did not go alone;
For part of us went with you,
The day God called you home.
You left us peaceful memories,
Your love is still our guide;
And though we cannot see you,
You are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken,
And nothing seems the same;
but as God calls us, one by one,
The Chain will link again.

Author: Unknown


:178:

Strengthening the Faith of Christians in A.A., N.A., and Recovery Today

Series Brief One: Bill Wilson’s Call on God for Help

Dick B.
©2009 Anonymous. All rights reserved

Dr. William D. Silkworth advised Bill Wilson that Jesus Christ, the Great Physician, could cure Bill of his alcoholism. At the time of Bill Wilson’s third hospitalization in Towns Hospital, Bill had a discussion with his physician, Dr. William D. Silkworth, on the subject of the “Great Physician.” And Silkworth’s biographer Dale Mitchel wrote in Silkworth: The Little Doctor Who Loved Drunks:

“Silkworth has not been given the appropriate credit for his position on a spiritual conversion, particularly as it may relate to true Christian benefits. Several sources, including Norman Vincent Peale in his book The Positive Power of Jesus Christ, agree that it was Dr. Silkworth who used the term ‘The Great Physician’ to explain the need in recovery for a relationship with Jesus Christ. . . . In the formation of AA, Wilson initially insisted on references to God and Jesus, as well as the Great Physician. . . . Silkworth challenged the alcoholic with an ultimatum. Once hopeless, the alcoholic would grasp hold of any chance of sobriety. Silkworth, a medical doctor, challenged the alcoholic with a spiritual conversion and a relationship with God as part of a program of recovery. His approach with Bill Wilson was no different. . . Wilson did often confirm Silkworth as ‘very much a founder of AA.’ . . . . [Bill wrote:] “I was in black despair. And in the midst of this I remembered about this God business. . . and I rose up in bed and said, “If there be a God, let him show himself now! All of a sudden there was a light. . .a blinding white light that filled the whole room. A tremendous wind seemed to be blowing all around me and right through me. I felt as if I were standing on a high mountain top. . . I felt that I stood in the presence of God.” [In Norman Vincent Peale, The Art of Living] The Silkworth copy of this book inscribed by Peale is available at the Silkworth Collection Archives. . . . In this book in particular he describes the need for surrender (p. 105), he uses the term ‘The Great Physician’ (later used by Bill Wilson) as a methaphor for Jesus Christ (pp. 123 -26, and 151), and the details of an act of making amends, the AA Ninth Step, (pp. 128-31), all of which are cornerstones of spiritual living ripe within the Alcoholics Anonymous program and that of Dr. Silkworth.”

Ebby Thacher visited his old school friend and companion Bill Wilson shortly after this third hospitalization. Ebby told Bill that he (Ebby) had been lodging at Calvary Rescue Mission, had “got religion,” and that “God had done for him what he could not do for himself.” Ebby had there made a decision for Christ. In a manuscript I found at Stepping Stones, titled, “Bill Wilson’s Original Story,” every line was numbered. The numbers ran from 1 to 1180; and here is how Bill there described Ebby’s approach and Bill’s observation that Ebby had been born again at the Mission:

“Nevertheless here I was sitting opposite a man who talked about a personal God, who told me how he had found Him, who described to me how I might do the same thing and who convinced me utterly that something had come into his life which had accomplished a miracle. The man was transformed; there was no denying he had been reborn.” (lines 935-42).

Bill Wilson shortly set out for Calvary Mission to receive what his friend Ebby had received. Upon his arrival at Calvary Mission, Bill went to the altar just as Ebby had done. And just as Ebby had done, Bill made a decision for Christ. Rev. Sam Shoemaker’s wife was present. She told me on the telephone from her home in Burnside very explicitly that she was present at the Mission and that Bill there “made a decision for Christ.”

In a recorded talk at Dallas, Texas, Bill Wilson’s wife Lois Wilson described the events that took place at Bill’s conversion:

“Well, people got up and went to the altar and gave themselves to Christ. And the leader of the meeting asked if there was anybody that wanted to come up. And Bill started up.
. . . And he went up to the front and really, in very great sincerity, did hand over his life to Christ.”

The Rev. W. Irving Harris was Dr. Shoemaker’s Assistant Minister. Harris and his wife Julia lived in Calvary House where Shoemaker lived, and knew Bill Wilson quite well. Rev. Harris typed a memorandum which his wife Julia gave to me, which said of the Mission Conversion:

“. . . it was at a meeting at Calvary Mission that Bill himself was moved to declare that he had decided to launch out as a follower of Jesus Christ.”


Then, it was Bill Wilson himself who began to describe his own conversion to Christ at the Calvary Mission altar.. First, while drunk, Bill wrote a letter to his brother-in-law Dr. Leonard Strong, using the same description that Ebby had used regarding his own conversion. Bill said, “I’ve got religion.”

Of far greater importance are the remarks that I found twice in Bill’s manuscripts at Stepping Stones and which are now recorded in his own autobiography published by Hazelden. Bill wrote:
“For sure I’d been born again.”

Even Bill’s wife Lois, having seemingly become resentful of Bill’s victory, wrote: Although my joy and faith in his rebirth continued, I missed our companionship. We were seldom alone now.”

But the decision at the altar did not, at first, produce sobriety. Bill had not yet had quite enough to drink. After his conversion, he wandered drunk in despair and dark depression to Towns Hospital one more time. He was, he said, still pondering “that mission experience.”

Concluding he could no longer defeat alcoholism on his own and still remembering Dr. Silkworth’s assurance that Jesus Christ the Great Physician could cure him, Bill thought:

“Yes, if there was any great physician that could cure the alcohol sickness, I’d better seek him now, at once. I’d better find what my friend [Ebby] had found.”

Bill arrived at Towns Hospital for his last visit as a patient. For Bill, “The terrifying darkness had become complete.” Then he thought, “But what of the Great Physician? For a brief moment, I suppose, the last trace of my obstinacy was crushed out as the abyss yawned. I remember saying to myself,

‘I’ll do anything, anything at all. If there be a Great Physician, I’ll call on him.’”

And here are a few of Bill’s comments about what happened when he “made the call” and had his ensuing “white light experience”—an experience that changed his life forever, an experience that dominated the early A.A. thinking about the importance of Jesus Christ, and an experience that may give strength to the faith of Christians in A.A. today:

“Then, with neither faith, nor hope, I cried out, ‘If there be a God, let him show himself.’
The effect was instant, electric. Suddenly my room blazed with an indescribably white
light. I was seized with an ecstasy beyond description. I have no words for this. Every joy
I had known was pale by comparison. The light, the ecstasy, I was conscious of nothing
else. Then, seen in the mind’s eye, there was a mountain. I stood upon its summit where a
great wind blew. A wind, not of air, but of spirit. In great, clean strength it blew right
through me.”

“And then the great thought burst upon me: ‘Bill, you are a free man! This is the God of
the Scriptures.’ And then I was filled with a consciousness of a presence. A great peace
fell over me, and I was with this I don’t know how long. But then the dark side put in an
appearance, and it said to me, ‘Perhaps, Bill, you are hallucinating. You better call in the
doctor.’ So the doctor came, and haltingly I told him of the experience. Then came great
words for Alcoholics Anonymous. The little man had listened, looking at me so benignly
with those blue eyes of his, and at length he said to me, ‘Bill you are not crazy. I have
read about this sort of thing in books but I have never seen it first hand. . . .’ So I hung
on, and then I knew there was a God and I knew there was grace. And through it all I
have continued to feel, and if I may presume to say it, that I do know these things.”

A.A.’s official biography of Bill Wilson summarized the results of Bill’s white light experience:

“Bill Wilson had just had his 39th birthday, and he still had half his life ahead of him. He
always said that after that experience, he never again doubted the existence of God. He
never took another drink.”

Not only had he quit drinking for good, but he set about feverishly witnessing to anyone who would listen. Dr. Samuel M. Shoemaker, Jr., to whose church the Calvary Mission belonged, encouraged Bill to spread the message of change and spiritual recovery to others like himself. William G. Borchert reports the events as follows:

“Bill took the preacher at his word. With Lois’s full support, he was soon walking
through the gutters of the Bowery, into the nut ward at Bellevue Hospital, down the slimy
corridors of fleabag hotels, and into the detox unit at Towns with a Bible under his arm.
He was promising sobriety to every drunk he could corner if they, like he, would only
turn their lives over to God.”

Yet, as Dr. Bob put it, “Time went by, and he [Bill Wilson] had not created a single convert, not one. As we express it, no one had jelled. He worked tirelessly with no thought of saving his own strength or time, but nothing seemed to register.” But the message was carried to Dr. Bob and simmered to its essence by three months of Bible study and discussion by Bill and Bob in the summer of 1935. The simple Original program, founded in Akron on June 10, 1935, developed by the Akron Christian Fellowship, and incorporating the basic ideas taken from the study of the Good Book, achieved astonishing success by November of 1937.

Bill Wilson’s message, incorporating his view of the importance of Jesus Christ, is recorded in two places in A.A.’s subsequent literature.

On page 191 of the latest edition of A.A.’s Big Book, Bill is quoted as saying:

“The Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease that I just want to keep talking about it and telling people.”

And, in earlier A.A. years continued to express this basic idea to others still in need of help. One account begins with a visit by Dr. Bob’s sponsee, Clarence H. Snyder, with a Cleveland man:

[Said this Cleveland man:] “One evening I had gone out after dinner to take on a couple
of double-headers and stayed a little later than usual, and when I came home Clarence
[Snyder] was sitting on the davenport with Bill W. [Bill Wilson]. I do not recollect the
specific conversation that went on but I believe I did challenge Bill to tell me something
about A.A., and I do recall one another thing: I wanted to know what it was that worked
so many wonders, and hanging over the mantel was a picture of Gethsemane and Bill
pointed to it and said, “There it is,” which didn’t make much sense to me.”

And this was it. For those in early A.A. who thoroughly followed the path that began with belief in God and surrender to Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour, the path was a path to success. And Bill’s message for those who wanted to hear it was that the Lord had cured him. Dr. Bob confirmed Bill’s message with the last line of Bob’s own personal story when he said, “Your Heavenly Father will never let you down!”

Gloria Deo
:idea:

*~*~*~A.A. Thoughts For The Day~*~~*
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( \ (AA)/ )
(_ /AA\ _)
/AA\
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Oldtimers
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"Many oldsters who have put our AA 'booze cure'
to severe but successful tests still find
they often lack emotional sobriety.
To attain this, we must develop real maturity and balance
(which is to say humility)
in our relations with ourselves, with our fellows,
and with God."
Bill W., AA Grapevine, January 1958
c. 1967AAWS, As Bill Sees It, p. 244
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Thought to Consider . . .

Newcomers are the lifeblood of the program,
but our oldtimers are the arteries.


*~*~*~*~*AACRONYMS*~*~*
C H A N G E = Choosing Honesty Allows New Growth Every day