5 Years Dry

[Toyota24]

Hello all.. I am quite frustrated. I will be getting 5 years clean and sober (except cigarettes) in Janurary 08. I go to meetings every week and I have 2 commitments. I know pratactly no one in AA i have many aquatinces but have 0 friends. I do kind of have a sponsor and he is an awesome guy but has really given up on me.. So here is my issue: i have 0 willingness to do the program. I am not sure i have had enough (i used for 4 years and am currently 24). I did mostly drugs and drank a little bit. What i want to do is go back to drinking so i can get some type of confidence to talk to women. I am getting sick of having no girls in my life (because i dont' have the guts to talk to them). When drinking i am calm cool and collected (at least i used to be it has been awhile). I feel like my life is passing me by and these are my prime years, early twenties and i never went to college (poor me). So I am stock i have tried working the steps twice only got to 9. But i just can't talk to people and i think that is a pretty big part of AA, giving back and making friends having a frequin life. Anyway, what should i do? I am no 100% confinced i am alcholoic yet because i never tried controlled drinkig. I know i can't touch drugs and have heard a lot of people say o yea i did a lot of drugs when i was young but no they just drink and they can control. I know some would say that because i am contemplating all of this i must be alcholoic but i see lotz of people (old friends) who drink on weekends etc and have phun but don't do it before going to work etc.. I never really liked getting drunk neway. Sorry for long post thank you for reading and have an awesome day.

Cory

[peajaye]

I can certainly relate to some of what you posted. My life is very different than yours, but here are the similarities. I preferred drugs to drinking. Didn't really like to get drunk unless I couldn't get any drugs, then you can bet I was getting drunk. Each and every time I did relapse on drugs it was because I convinced myself I could drink and would begin to drink but within weeks or months, I was back on drugs because remember, I preferred drugs to drinking.

Whatever you decide to do, let us hear how you are doing. We will support you no matter what.

[Prescott]

:17:Cory, I had to find "MY TRUTH" and that was and is that if I take one drink of any kind of alcohol I want more....more of anything. But it usually was speed and before long I was sitting with a needle in my arm, looking over my shoulder saying what the hell just happened.
Jail usually followed. What I have today is an attitude problem and one drink and my attitude changes (to I don't give a sh*t) thus I am and alcoholic "My Truth" may you find yours. :42:

[Big Girl Panties]

alcohol is a drug.

[mellotripp]

Loneliness made me brave, I realized that I didn't need alcohol to lose my inhibitions. I was able to meet a woman who has changed my life for the best. For this I depended on God. He always comes through. I did need alot of patience.

[fibiray]

Hi there just wanted to offer my support also. It seems to me that you have one of two problems here. Either you have not grapsed the spiritual angle that step 3 offers in relation to your drug addiction or there is a problem with the acceptance side of things. If you read step one it speaks about acceptance 'FOR ALL IT'S CONSEQUENCES" wether that relates to both alcohol or drugs. Acceptance doesn't come from the head or heart, but comes from the guts and is instincitve in nature. Hope this helps god bless

fi
xxx

[Signal30]

You MUST do the first step 100%. You also must surrender to alcohol. I've seen a lot of guys in their 20's dance around the AA program, but not fully commit. We are lucky to live in a time where there is a "kinder and gentle" AA then some of the old timers went through.

Back in the day I was told that they actually screened for candidates!!! And if a member was with a newcomer or "candidate", and didn't believe he or she was ready, they would tell them to come back when they were ready. Pretty hard core.

Fortunately times have changed, but the message hasn't. I have heard a lot of people say that when they were in their 20's they tried AA, didn't like lit, went back out, and came back years later. (Usually court ordered).

For me to drink is to die. Relapse could be my death sentence. I personally wouldn't play around with alcohol tests. The results could be fatal.


Tom

[kaistevens]

We had a friend, about three months ago, decided he wasn't really an alcoholic addict. He was twenty three and decided he was missing out on life. So, he went back. He died, one of his new friends was driving and was drunk.

That's not a horror story, that's just real plain life. This disease, no scratch that, drugs and alcohol kill people every day, even people who don't have this disease. People who never get the chance to become addicted die at the hands of drugs and alcohol, because these things are poison. We who are addicts and alcoholics are lucky, cause we just get to the place that we have to stop.

Drugs and alcohol are a game of russian roulette for everybody, every time they use them.

Maybe you are not convinced yet, maybe you need to do some more research. I pray for you. Pray you don't have to pay the supreme price. People die, they are dying right now. I don't want to die that way, covered in my own piss and vomit, or wrapped around a telephone pole, or all alone with a needle in my arm or a bottle in my hand. Alone because all those people who dont have this disease and are partying without consequences, just don't want to be around me anymore, because when I do it, I get out of hand.

I pray you stay.

[JasonStruthers1234]

Here's the thing. There are few of us who wouldn't love to go back and be 24 and, knowing what we know, give it up once and for all and choose a better road. But we can't do that, any more than we can live out our own sports fantasies through our kids. And to tell the truth, Cory, it doesn't sound like you've been hurt enough to give it up yet. If you want the voice of reason, here's a few thoughts: 1)If you have trouble talking to people, keep in mind that if you just talk about THEM, you are ALWAYS welcome in a conversation. Sounds stupid, but true. 2)Drunk girls are just as easy when YOU are sober ;P. 3)If you're going to try some controlled drinking, that is ABSOLUTELY YOUR RIGHT. Please stock up before you start, though, so you don't have to drive drunk. A lot of cute little kids are on those streets. If you don't want to give it up yet (and if you're here, you'll probably be back later) then don't. Enjoy it as much as you can, be aware of the price you will pay, and if you're willing to pay that price by starting what you seem to be aware is a really, really bad idea, then enjoy it as much as you can for as long as you can. And try to be safe, so that when six or sixteen years pass, and you have done almost nothing you hoped you would, then you can try a better way of life when you're thirty or forty.

As my sponsor says to me all the time: "Sounds like you called already knowing what I'd say. Why did you need ME in this conversation, anyway?"

Jason, sober for (ahem) 34 of the last 36 months (which is a HUGE improvement)

[JohnDaniels]

Cory that was one of the best inventories I have heard. Hang in there. I think your answers may be contained within your above posting with enough introspection.

When I sobered up I was faced with more fear than I had ever experienced in my life. When drinking I worked up high in the air on some pretty big construction jobs though. For me the time came when alcohol did not work for me anymore. I did not know how to live with it and I didn't know how to live without it. I KNEW I had to change. The bad part was, I didn't know HOW.

I had to quickly learn that "Fear will die of it's own weight if we step up to it". If we face the thing we most fear it will fade away into it's native nothingness. I had a terrible fear of public places and of people but especially women. They scared me to death.

I started by forcing myself to go into public places and just staying there until I could not do it any more. I would be in a public place with sweat dripping down my face and under my arms, and I was terrified. When I walked back out to the parkinglot to my truck, a relief came over me. It was as though a weight had been lifted. I liked it so much I went back inside the store and did it again. Each time it became easier.

I figured if facing that first fear worked for me, I might be able to use the same principle with women. So i started forcing myself to go up to women at meetings and just do something as simpleas saying "hi" to them. that was it. I didn't have to think I had to ask them to marry me or go out on a date. It was the first hurdle and it worked. I eventually got so comfortable around women that I started dating and eventually got married. We have been married going on 28 years now and we have rasied a family.

Cory, the thing about "fear" is that is it right outside my door doing pushups. I have to continue to take certain actions even when I don't feel like taking those actions. I have to speak when I'm asked to speak and among other things I have to get out of myself and help others even when i don't feel like helping others.

Well enough out of me this morning my friend. You hang in there and keep in touch.

Have a wonderful day

[cal2955]

Cory: don't Quit befor "the mirical".
If you practice some perserverance you will look back on your current dilima and be greatfull that you dident quit. You might want to start using the tools that have been given to you. I do understand what you are saying; I had the same problem and it nearly killed me.
Andy L.

[April]

Cory - I am much older than you and have 1 year of sobriety after 35 years of drugs and drinking and it all started because of social anxiety when I was in my teens. I got much needed help by visiting a doctor to talk about anxiety and social situations and it helped me tremendously. You are too young to give up or to be alone - try a professional - it truly cannot hurt to sit and talk to someone who can explain how your body works. Good luck!!!

[Toyota24]

Wow great responses from you guys!! It has been awhile since i started the thread and i am still getting responses that is awsome, i really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond! I have just recently purchased A condo, and am VERY fearful of earthquakes, money, lonlieness, and robers :). Anyway as a previous post suggested i have to walk through these things and they will go away, ihave recently discovered this at work doing jobs that i am not confident in but when i am done i will be like wow that was not impossible i was able to do that well. So i am still learning. I am unfortuantely not going to any meetings BUT i am finally starting to gain some trust in my higher power and am trying to give it over to him, i have been finding lately that really helps.
I just went to a mexican restaurant last night and was FREAKED out, i was there with my parents and there was a bunch of local 20 year olds and i felt like a total looser with my parents, all i wanted to do was leave. I am soo busy with the condo stuff and carreer things ihave not paid any attention to my social life, but i think living on my own will force me to confront it more. I am in a new area so i will locate some meetings and introduce myself as a visitor. Still not sure what the solution to my problem is but i really need to take action in some direction. I am not going to drink (at least for today) because if i am an alcoholic and can't stop then i will prolly loose my brand new place and everything in it.
I tried doing the steps with my sponsor again but got stuck on step 1. He asked me can you concede to your inner most self that you are alcholoic that if you take one drink you can't stop. I can't honestly do that! I am not really sure! even with drugs i am not really sure i never really tried to stop until the end and was eventually successful. I don't think right now is the time to try some controlled drinking but unfortunately it seems the only way to actually start working the steps, i have a terrible memory ( i was on a lot of things) and can't remember anytimes (other then in detox where iam sure i was physically addicted to meth) that i tried controlled using/drinking.
But, i have been to many meeting and can relate with people alot. Especially with how my head works when i get angry. Like my friend yesterday (non-alcholic nerd friend) pissed me off and i am pretty sure i never want to see him again. My head was going all day yesterday with how much he was in the wrong and i realised i am extremely sensitive. I got road rage issues if someone cuts me off i can't stop thinking about it for about 3 hours i get soooo pissed off. But anyway it feels like i am writing in a journal.

AGAIN THANK YOU ALL!

Toyota24

[DryDaveC]

Ive been dry drunk for 17 years now, havent found my personal way through it yet, havent completely given up, since to give up means to die, and need spiritual help. I found recover for the first time in AA in a Navy recovery center and after a bitter run in with my spouse at the time, and since I was in the Navy and had to transfer to a new duty station with a school in the middle, it got difficult (Or rather I was too stubborn) to get to meetings. I think I stayed sober and found serenity around 3 months. I had a newfound love of myself and life. I KNOW there is a God, because he spoke to me from inside me, guiding my steps. Somewhere along the line while I was in school in Illinois, I tempted fate, stared at people who were drinking and the drunk lust got ahold of me and didnt let go. I should have heeded the warnings in it, but didnt, and made a conscious decision by saying "The hell with it". I woke up the next morning, tasted blood (didnt know what that was all about) and my hands were yellow. (I had antibuse in my system also, dumb dangerous and very "Alcoholic" decision). I felt the spirituality pass from me immediately as the alcohol touched my tongue, literally. As the sip hit my tongue and I felt that awful emptiness hit me, I felt as if it was the worst thing I had ever done in my life. I felt like Christ on the cross who said "My god, why have you forsaken me?" Thats how I felt. I got in a bitter divorce, lost my kids, got them back again, got remarried and thats when i made the very difficult decision to quit cold turkey. It was even worse in the beginning, because not only was i struggling with recovery outside a recover center and now I was remarried to someone who meant well, but was ignorant of the alcoholic plight and thought AA was for people who still drank, but not me, I didnt drink. I had to explain AA to her over and over again. This added to my excuses for not going to AA to get recovered. NOw, after all these years, I have discovered what was wrong with me all along, I am dry drunk and needed/need help. I have seen a seperation of what I am versus what other AA's are (coming in barely able to hang on with their remaining fingernails and slowly getting better) and what I was (Bone dry, depressed, saw myself as able to conquer it without God or AA) So I have been having a hard time getting the program to stick. Mostly because its harder to see the similarities and not the differences. ALL I see is differences. I hate feeling the way I do, empty, lonely, bored, irritable at the wierdest and dumbest times, but I havent yet found my way. I sure would love to have some advice or help on this. I dont want to be resigned to carry this life to the bitter end and see as nothing but a struggle. Id love to enjoy it all again and start living the way I see so many others enjoy life... Thanks!!

[BTGOG]

Hi, Dave. I'm so glad you've joined us here. I relapsed just before 18 years, and have been sober again now for 16 months. I sometimes feel out of place and lonely at meetings now because of my relapse after so many years and -- by God's grace -- my high material bottom this time. The only thing I can suggest is that you keep going to meetings, and try to set aside what you know about AA. I've found that having a sponsor has also been invaluable to me, to keep my ego in check and to give me specific directions through the 12 steps. I believe there is hope for both of us. Please keep coming back!!!

[DryDaveC]

Thanks to all, especially Toyota24, who is similar to how I feel every day. I recently decided to not listen to the commitee of idiots between my ears and open my heart and mind to AA, and so far, so good. It feels new this time. I had given up on the program and felt that it wasnt doing me any good, so I reduced to 1 meeting a week which contributed to ruining my recovery. I was also closed minded and living in my dry-drunk head. I can now feel most of it all slipping away, and have chosen to treat my dry drunk as deadly as the newness of just coming in after a bad binge and am finding it enlightening and enspiring. I am saying and feeling things new again, without all the numbness involved, and can now feel that I truly have something to give back. I was also blessed to bring my 19 year old daughter, whom ive had a strained relationship with, to a meeting and had her by my side all the time. I let her keep her anonymity throughout the meeting, so others at the table would only see her as a newcomer and not someones daughter at the table. She had admitted she was an alcoholic, even though I told her that she may want to pass on to the next person when it comes to her turn since it was a closed meeting. I felt, for once in my life, that I actually mattered to at least ONE person on this earth. We had a long talk afterwards, made ammends to each other and promised to keep in touch with each other and other members in the program. WOW!! Thats completely unexpected. I feel blessed today. And not quite as dry-drunk...

[cal2955]

Hi Dave , my name is Andy ,I'm an alcoholic.
In 1982 I was ordered to attend aa meetings for the last 6 weeks of my
enlistment in the NAVY. I was stationed abord the USS SAMPLE FF1048
FROM 79-82 ( I wish I could do those days over agin).
Any way the base laundry was located right next to the place where meetings
where held, and the laundry had a beer machine .50cents a can and the
coldest I have ever had. So I did a lot of laundry during the meetings,
and diden't hear much of anything eccept GOD .
That created a dismill outlook on life for me if I where going to stay involved
with aa. that is where aa started for me ,I did not stay sober and have not real been able to maintain my soberity for more than a couple of years at a time.
For about the first 12-13 years I had not conceeded to myself that I was alcoholic. since then My problem is all about developing a faith in God.
I do belive that If I don't " SURENDER " and let GOD direct my thinking
my life will (as it has been in the past ) will be directed by versions of FEAR
and sooner or later I will drink agin.
I am also a chronic agnostic, wich has been a huge deficet for me , but I have to
develop some faith in a God or I will die.
my procedure is as follows:
#1 I ask God to direct my thinking (FREQUENTLY)

#2 I have worked through the stepps as best I can ( WITH A SPONCER).
# 3 PERSERVERANCE ( I found this word on the first page
of the book of James) it is about developing FAITH
AND SPRITUAL MATURITY.

Any way I have been sober now for 2 years ,and this procedure is a new way for me and seems to be working. GO NAVY!

[DryDaveC]

I guess I have to to view the dry drunk as activeley drinking, and so, treat myself as a patient needing a cure, and thats about the time my eyes began to open up a little. Thank God for perseverence, you said it right, Cal... Maybe try some new perspective, it worked for me!!

[Montauktammy]

Wow I can remember about 9 years ago saying to my self that I could not use drugs but I could still drink, well now I have been in recovery for 6 years and I can tell you this after detoxing off booze I don't think that it is any less of a drug than any others. As far as being with people ( relationships ) a word that wakes me up in the middle of the night screaming for my mommy. I work on me to the best of my ability and let go of the results, I let my Higher power take care of what he needs to take care of and work my program. I am clean today that is a gift I am grateful for. I don't play with anything that may bring back my DIS-EASE cause I have learned no matter how smart I think I am my disease is smarter.
Thank you for reminding me why I go to meetings
Tammy:195:

[DryDaveC]

I am happy to be sober today, and i brought my 19 year old daugher to a meeting last week twice. She admitted she was alcoholic and needed help. A whole lot of peopple gave her phone numbers and instructed her to call them before taking a drink. (I might have said this earlier in a previous post). Well, she told my wife that she was only going because she got caught using bby her probation officer and it was a way to stay out of jail. Then last night we were supposed to go to a meeting and she called back and said she was tired and didnt want to go. I was feeling a little under the weather, was going to go, but changed my mind and stayed home. Well, my wife had packed up some food for her to take to her apartment and she was there with 4 other people she invited over to play guitar hero with. On the phone, she said she was really tired and was going to take a bath and my wife found her frolicking around playing guitar with her friends. Sooo, I am contemplating setting her on her AA way and I am going to work my program on my own. And if/when we do go to a meeting, I am thinking of having her sit around others besides me. ANy suggestions?

Also, In had a somewhat difficult week at work, but better than usual (AA working in me). I am a fire protection systems tech and during testing at a nursing home, a panel burned up that runs some horns/strobes. To make a long story short, its an old system, and the folks that we would get parts from said they needed a whole new system (They have 100+ smoke detectors in this building). My heart sank and I felt bad about it, but I replayed everything in my mind and I dont see how I could have prevented it no matter what. I accidently burned up a panel 3 months ago when I first hired in because I wasnt paying attention and shorted the + to - thinking something else was wired there. I caught hell then, and now this. I have been through the spanish inquisition for the last 2 days, under suspicion because of what happened before. Anyway, the nursing home, by state law, has to notify the state fire marshall's office AND the state inspector within 4 hours of a partial system disability and has 2 days to repair it back to 100% functionality AND they have to hire private fire guards to watch the floor that has no protection until its fixed. You can cut the tension with a knife at work right now. To top it all off, I found out that they cut my check 200.00 for this week because I messed up and came in late on newyears eve because the company had posted a sign that said to ome in at 12:30 for a lunhion, and I had no idea we were working that day, so I didnt get paid for that 1/2 day nor newyears day, because they said its corporate policy that you have to work 8 hours the days before and the day after to get holiday pay (even though its not in the handbook). Now, after only getting paid 369.00 for a weeks work, I have 25.00 to last a week on. Its Friday night and Im definitely glad to be sober, because all of this has me a little frustrated. And it definitely puts a dent in my meeting gas. :support:Thanks