Jokes for us...may be reruns

[dalin]

Clean can be funny.
> One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
very
> Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want."
> So he tied her up and went golfing.
>
> *********************
> A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran
into the
> house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her
lungs, "Honey,
> pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
> The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain
> stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said "Just get out."
>
> *************************
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
the
> other is a husband.
>
> ************************
> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First,
> of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him
a card
> with the letters
> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician
asked. "Read
> it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>
> *********************
> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
must
> tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent."
> "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay.
>
> ******************************
> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
> Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful,"
> he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
> You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
> THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
> we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
> Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
> to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
> Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don 't for get to salt them.
> You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
> USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world
is
> wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of
eggs?" The
> husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels
like when
> I'm driving."
>
> ******************************
> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man,
was
> drafted by the Army. On his firs t day in basic training, the Army
issued
> him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his
hair. On
> his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon
the
> Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army
issued
> him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
>

[dalin]

1. The Female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)

7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)

8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.

14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.

17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[dalin]

Great Reasons To Be A Guy...

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.Well sometimes...

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.

You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Gas (at either end) is cool.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

Men are like......

.....placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.

.....mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

.....bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

.....government bonds
they take so long to mature.

.....copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

.....lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.

.....bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

.....high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

.....curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.

.....mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

.....handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.
Me thinks a woman spit these out...an angry one

[dalin]

MENS JOKES

What's the difference between a man and Bigfoot?
One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet.

What does a man call true love?
An erection.

Why is a man like a moped?
They're both fun to ride until your friends see you with one.

What's the difference between a man and a parrot?
You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.

What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?
At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.

What is six inches long, two inches wide and make men act like fools?
Money.

What's the most effective birth control device for men.
Their manners.

What's a dumb man's martini?
An olive in a glass of beer.

How do men define insomnia?
Waking up every few days.

Why are marriend women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.

Why don't men believe in paternity tests?
Because the sample is taken from their finger.

Men are proof of reincarnation.
You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.

Nobody can call him a quitter.
He always gets fired.

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Why does the man bother?
He's hoping for a lucky stroke.
Mine.

Why do male bosses have such poor grammar?
Because they end every sentence with a proposition.

Why don't men cook at home?
No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.

Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!"
Husband "That's great!!! What should I pack?"
Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get there"

Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him.

Behind every great man is a puzzled woman.

What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."

How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.

He keeps a record of everything he eats.
It's called a tie.

What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college?
High School.

Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
Wife: "No problem, I'll get you some that is."

We try to keep him out of the kitchen.
Last time he cooked he burned the salad.

Why don't men eat between meals.
There *IS* no "between" meals.

What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.

What is the definition of an inconsiderate husband?
One who wins a trip to Paris and goes by himself, twice.

How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirt; We iron/ they wrinkle.

How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why don't men do laundry?
Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!

What do you call a woman that works like a man??
A Lazy *****.

Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.

What's the difference between a man and a cow?
One brain cell that prevents them from ****ting all over the place!

Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a ***** AND a brain!

Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.

[snugsnug]

The Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter
in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!:lol:

[dalin]

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.
Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."
The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a couple more farts.
Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he sh!t s on you."

[dalin]

A grumpy old man walks into a local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I wanna join this d@mn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to join this d@mn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There IS no d@mn problem!," the man says. "Looky here, I just won $200 million bucks in the d@mn lottery and I want to join this d@mn church to get rid of some of this d@mn money."

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this b!tch giving you a hard time?"

[dalin]

The Growler
A Scotsman is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.

To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my growler?" "Yes, I'm sorry, " says the Scotsman and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the growler blows him a kiss.

Wee Hughie, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the growler can do.

"I can also make it wink, " says the woman.

The Scotsman stares in amazement as the growler winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.

The Scotsman moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, The Scotsman replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

[dalin]

Redneck on the road
This guy is walking along a dirt road when he stubbles upon an redneck lying on the ground with his ear in the dirt.


"Are you alright? What are you doing?" the man asks but gets no answer at all.

The redneck doesn't even acknowledge that he is there.

So after a while of silence the man asks again, "Can I help you sir?"

The redneck replies this time. "Ford pick-up truck, blue, 18 inch rims, two passengers, female driver."

"Wow! You can tell all that by listening to the ground!" the man says.

"NO" The redneck replies with a shocked look on his face "The ***** ran over me 10 minutes ago!"

[dalin]

Church Signs
"No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!"

A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

"People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."

"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."

"Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily."

"How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives":

"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?"

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

"In the dark? Follow the Son."

"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

[dalin]

I get a kick out of men's jokes. I think there is possibly a kernel of truth to each one, even though I know they don't apply to me . . . well, not everyone, anyway.

Here are my top 12 Men's Jokes:


How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Who knows? - Does it ever happen?


How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.


How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.


How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.


Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half of the time.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. A dog is always happy to see you
B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train


What is the thinnest book in the world? What men know about women.


How can you tell if a man is aroused? He's breathing.


What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.


How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.


What is a man's idea of doing housework? Lifting his feet so you can vacuum underneath.


Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

Babe Lehrer in her book, Men, They Just Don't Get It!, which has some marvelous short stories from women, has a few men quotations that I really like, also. They are not really jokes. They are more like observations.

Here are five quotations from Men, They Just Don't Get It!


The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him!


Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.


On birthdays, the wise husband forgets the past - but never the present.


What do you do when you boyfriend walks out? Close the door.


No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Finally, I have one observation from my wife. I've been known to express myself vociferously after consuming caffeine. Peg stopped me cold one morning by saying, "You know, one more cup of coffee and I can legally kill you."

[dalin]

Before prison


Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison...."

[dalin]

Computer doctor


One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better....

[dalin]

Men!


1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

9. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, you should be worried about him.

16. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

17. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

18. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

19. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie "The Way We Were" twice, voluntarily.

20. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

21. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget. He didn't lose your number. He didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

22. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you; I want to marry you; I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave so fast, they leave skid marks.

23. Men are self confident because they grow up identifying with super heroes. Women have bad self images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

24. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. With male menopause, you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

25. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

and
Because I am a man!!


Because I'm a Man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a Man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."

We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a Man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a Man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. But never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a Man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a Man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a Man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or sports. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a Man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.
Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a Man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a Man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a Man, and this is, after all, the year 2004, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.

This has been a public service message for women, to better understand men.

[dalin]

Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women:....
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

AND NOW MY FAVORITE!

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

[dalin]

may be tasteless Men Jokes



This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please." A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."


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After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"
The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."

The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"


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Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?
Because men refuse to ask for directions!


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Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.


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There was a man who woke up one morning with a red ring around his member. Astonished he panicked and hurried to the emergency room.
The Doctor looked at it and gave the man some lotion to rub on it twice a day, if no results come back tomorrow. This went on for three days when a new nurse happened to be in the same ER. She asked if she could suggest something. The Dr. at his wit's end because he wasn't able to cure the problem, agreed to let the nurse try her hand.

The nurse gave the man a smelly lotion and said rub it very gently on his member before he when to bed. The man went home and followed her instructions.

The very next day came back happy as a lark! He found the nurse and Doctor and thanked them for all they're help.

As the man left, the Dr. turned to the nurse and asked what was the miracle lotion?

The nurse smiled and replied, "Lip stick remover."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
.... with Beer


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Little Girl And A Bird
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"

"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "Idon't know.

I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Single women complain that all good men are married, while allmarried women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there isno such thing as a good man.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"Alright. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Potato Head...
He's tan. He's cute. And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman was in the South of France and could not understand why Pierre had attracted so many girls on the beach and he had attracted no one. So he asked Pierre, "How do you manage to attract all the girls and I attract no one?"
Pierre said, "Take a potato and tuck it in your swimming costume, it drives the women wild."

So the Irishman stuffed a potato in his costume and paraded up and down the beach. After a great many hours, however, he still failed to arouse a woman.

So the Irishman went to see Pierre again and said, "I've tried it Pierre, it doesn't work!"

Pierre took one look at the Irishman and said, "You might try putting the potato in the front of your bathing suit!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was this guy who was on airplane, he had to go to the bathroom really bad.. Well everytime he would go to the bathroom someone was always in it.So he finally asked the flight attendant if he could use the ladies room.
She said, well sir I'm not sure if that would be a good idea,you see there are buttons in there.

He says ,Oh please please I really have to go and I promise I won't push any buttons.

So she tells him go ahead,just don't push any buttons. So he goes in there he's sitting on the toilet doing his duty. Well he looks over and sees three buttons. One is yellow,one is red and one is green. He pushes the yellow button and out comes water and sprays his behind.He thinks "wow that felt good, I'll press the red button".So he pushes the red button and out comes a powder puff and dries him off and powders him.So then he pushes the green button.. He passes out and wakes up in hospital. He looks up at the flight attendant and she says "you pushed the green button didn't you?"

He knods.. He said "What happened?" She said "The green button was an Automatic Tampon Remover,your dick is laying under your pillow"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the worst part of a man's body?
His ***** because it has a head with no brains, hangs out with two nuts and lives around the corner from an asshole.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q-When is a man as smart as a woman
A-When he is plugged in to one.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q- How come men never sink in water?
A- **** floats.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. Because there were no women on his side.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why don't men ever get MAD COW DISEASE?
Because men are all PIGS.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHY IS FOOD BETTER THEN MEN ?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT AN HOUR FOR SECONDS!
WHY ARE MEN LIKE BLENDERS?
YOU NEED ONE BUT NOT SURE WHY!

WHY ARE MEN LIKE POPCORN ?
THEY SATIFY YOU BUT ONLY FOR A WHILE !



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the ***** do the ironing in the dark.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who knows; they never get the house


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What does a beer bottle and a guy have in common?
There both empty from the neck up.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q-why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory?
A-he wasn't concentrating


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have more trouble with hemorrhoids than men?
Because God made man the perfect asshole.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do men and linoleum have in common?
Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do men and microwaves have in common?
They're both done in 30 seconds.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if a man is well hung?
If you can't get your finger between the rope and his neck!!!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his feet.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
It's kinda cute, but can it pick up peanuts?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the diff. between Bigfoot and an honest man?
Bigfoot has been sighted!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
True facts about men!
1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
2. Woman don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason:you're sick of him.
4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.
11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is
married 12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.
13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them.
14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent -- but they make great pets.
15. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop"..
17. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are all dumb Blond jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between government bonds and men?
Government bonds mature.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's a man's idea of helping with house work?
lifting his legs so you can vacuum.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did God say when he created man?
"I can do better than this".


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
They cook, we eat. They clean, we dirty. They iron, we wrinkle


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the best way to get a man to do sit ups?
put the remont between their toes.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do men exercise at the beach?
Everytime they see a bikini, they suck their belly in.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What does a man concider a seven corse meal to be?
A hot dog and a 6 pack.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are men like noodles?
they are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they are always in need of dough.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
because if the crew gets lost, at least the woman will ask for directions.





Copyright © 1999-2000 by JokesHeaven.

[dalin]

get a kick out of men's jokes. I think there is possibly a kernel of truth to each one, even though I know they don't apply to me . . . well, not everyone, anyway.

Here are my top 12 Men's Jokes:

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Who knows? - Does it ever happen?

How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half of the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. A dog is always happy to see you
B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train

What is the thinnest book in the world? What men know about women.

How can you tell if a man is aroused? He's breathing.

What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.

What is a man's idea of doing housework? Lifting his feet so you can vacuum underneath.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

Babe Lehrer in her book, Men, They Just Don't Get It!, which has some marvelous short stories from women, has a few men quotations that I really like, also. They are not really jokes. They are more like observations.

Here are five quotations from Men, They Just Don't Get It!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him!

Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

On birthdays, the wise husband forgets the past - but never the present.

What do you do when you boyfriend walks out? Close the door.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Finally, I have one observation from my wife. I've been known to express myself vociferously after consuming caffeine. Peg stopped me cold one morning by saying, "You know, one more cup of coffee and I can legally kill you."

[dalin]

Subject: Waving the towel!

Last May, Boudreaux married an attractive woman, Lola, half his age.
After
several months, Lola complained that she had never climaxed during sex;
and
according to her Grand Momma, all Cajun women are entitled to a climax
once
in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the
large-animal Vet
since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Carencro.

The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot
summer, his
Momma and Daddy, would fan a cow that was having any difficulty
breeding
with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax. So, the
Vet
told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a big towel over
them
while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young
wife
to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from the big city of Baton Rouge
to
wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts,
Lola still had not climaxed! They went back to the Vet.

The Vet said for Lola to change partners and let, the young man have
sex
with her while Boudreaux waved the big towel. They tried it that night
and
Lola went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after
the
other
for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Boudreaux looked down at the exhausted young man and
in
a cocky manner said, "And dat, my friend, is how you wave a towel!"

[dalin]

The Pope’s Surprise

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Many years ago, a beloved Pope died and went to heaven. Saint Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."
St. Peter continued: "You are also granted an open-door policy and may, at your own discretion, meet with any heavenly leader including the Father, without prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?"
"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."
St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of humanity's relationship with God.
Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the quiet of the library. Immediately several of the saints and angels came running.
They found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over: "There's an 'R'. There's an 'R.' There's an 'R'... It's CELIBRATE, not celibate!"
__________________

[dalin]

MEN Their five deadly sins
I did not write this or necessary believe it but found it interesting




1. Why won't men stop and ask for directions?

WHILE men were hunters, they
learned a good sense of direction
and how to retrace their steps
by feel, so they could travel for
a long distances and find their
way home again.

Today, one in three men know
instinctively what way north is
something only one in five women
can do. Women did not venture
alone past the horizon they did
not need to so they learned to
navigate by landmarks. If a
woman could see a tree, or a lake
or a hill, she could find her way
around it and get home again.

This is the key to how a man
should give a woman directions.
If he tells her to go to the road
with the giant oak tree, then head
to the pink building opposite the
supermarket next to the lake,

she'll probably get there. If he
tells her to go up the A435 for two
miles, then to take the third exit
off the second roundabout and
drive four miles north, he may well
never see her again.

For a man to admit he is lost
is to admit failing at his number
one task finding his way. And
he never wants to admit
that especially not to a woman.

SOLUTION: Buy a map and leave
it in the car for him. Print out
directions for your journey from a
website on your computer and
take them with you.

A safe emergency strategy is to
tell him you urgently need the loo,
which will force him to stop
preferably at a service station,
where one of you can ask for
directions.




2. Why do men continually offer
solutions and give advice?

TO appreciate why a man insists
on giving solutions to every little
thing, there are several things
that need to be understood about
the way the male brain works.

Men evolved as hunters, and
their main contribution to the
survival of the human race was
the ability to hit a moving target
so everyone could eat, and so they
could injure anyone who threatened
their families or who wanted
to steal their food.

As a result, men's brains
evolved with a target-hitting area
called the 'visual-spatial' area
that allows them successfully to
carry out their whole reason for being
hitting targets and
solving problems. They
turned into results-oriented
people who measure their
own success by results,
accomplishments and their
ability to come up with
solutions to problems.

As a consequence, a man
still defines who he is, and his
self-worth, by his problem-
solving abilities and achievements.
He feels that he is the
one person most capable of
solving his own problems,
and he does not see the need
to discuss them with any-
body else.

This is why he will rarely
talk about what is bothering
him. He will ask another per-
son's opinion only if he feels
he needs an expert view and
he considers this to be an
intelligent move.

In return, the man who is
asked for his opinion feels
honoured by the request.

Consequently, for a woman
to offer a man advice when he
did not ask for it is seen by
him to be a statement that
she feels he is incompetent
because he can't solve his i
own problems.

A man loves to offer advice
and solutions to others, but
unsolicited advice especially
from a woman is not welcome.

On the other hand, a
woman's brain is organised
for communication through
talking and the main purpose
of the talk is, simply, to
talk. For the most part, she is
not looking for answers, and
solutions are not required.

Herein lies the problem for
most couples. At the end of
the day, she usually wants to
talk about the events in her
day and to share her feelings
but he thinks she is giving
him her problems to fix and
starts to offer solutions. She
then gets upset because he
won't listen to her talking,
and he becomes angry
because she won't accept his
solutions.

He thinks he is being caring
and loving by solving her
problems. She thinks he is
indifferent or is trivialising
her feelings by not listening.


SOLUTION: If a woman is
stressed and needs to talk, a
simple technique is to say to
a man: 'I need to talk with
you about several things. I
don't need any solutions — I
just need you to listen.'

A man will be happy with
this approach because he
knows exactly what he is sup-
posed to do.

If a woman is talking, and a
man does not know whether
she is asking for solutions, he
can find out quite easily by
asking: 'Would you like me to
listen as a boy or a girl?'

If she wants him to listen as
a girl, he has only to listen. If
she wants him to listen as a
boy, he can offer solutions.
Either way, both will be
happy because they know
what is expected.





3. Why do men keep flicking through the channels with the remote control?

FOR thousands of years, men
would return from the hunt
at the end of the day and
spend the evening just gazing
into the fire for long periods,
without communicating.

Fire-gazing was a valuable
form of stress relief, and a
way to recharge his batteries.
For the modem man, fire-
gazing still occurs at the end
of the day, but now Involves
tools like remote controls.

However, male channel- changing
is a pet hate of women
everywhere. At the end of a
long day, women like to relax
by becoming involved in a TV
show, especially anything
involving emotional scenes.

Her brain is organised to
read the words and body
language of the actors, and
she likes to predict outcomes
of relationship scenarios. She
also enjoys watching the
commercials.

Men prefer doing anything
that will take their mind off
a stressful situation, such as
flicking through TV channels,
surfing the internet,
working on the car, watering
the garden, working out in
the gym or his favourite
having sex.

As long as a man concentrates
on one thing, he is able
to forget his own troubles
and feel good about himself.

If a woman is worried about
a problem, it makes no difference
if she does any of these
things the problem still
preoccupies her multi-tracking
mind and she needs to
talk about it to get any relief.


SOLUTION: A woman needs to
tell a man that flicking
through the channels drives
her crazy, and ask if he could
not do it while she is watch-
ing her programme.

Alternatively, she can try
hiding the remote control. Or,
as a last resort, she can buy
her own TV set with her
own remote control.





4. Why do men love tasteless jokes?

MALE brains have an amazing
capacity for remembering
and storing jokes. Males think
it is hilarious to be crude,
whereas to most women,
none of it is remotely funny.

Jokes are so important as a
communication medium to
men that whenever there is a
global tragedy, the world's
email networks and faxes are
swamped with men sending
tragedy related jokes.

Herein lies the difference in
men and women in handling
serious emotional issues.
Women deal with calamity or

tragedy by openly
expressing their emo-
tions to others, but men
withhold their emotions
because showing them could
be seen as weakness.

Laughing and crying are
closely linked from a psycho-
logical and physiological
standpoint. They both
instruct the brain to release
endorphins into the blood
stream. An endorphin is a
chemical that has a similar
composition to morphine and
heroin, and has a tranquillising
effect on the body.

The harder it is for a man to
talk about an emotional
event, the more he will laugh
when told a joke about it
however heartless and insen-
sitive it may seem to women.

Men rarely talk about their
sex lives to other men, so
they tell jokes about it as a
way of discussing it. Women
however, will discuss their sex
lives with their girlfriends in
graphic detail, without the
aid of any jokes.


SOLUTION: You should know
John sat still as the
fortune-teller gazed into
her crystal ball. Suddenly,
she started to laugh
loudly. John leaned
across and punched her
on the nose. Finally, he'd
struck a happy medium

that as long as there are
Irishmen, there will be Irish
jokes. Or Asian or Aussie or
feminist jokes. And every
time there's a tragedy, it will
invariably spawn its own set
of jokes. Being offended is a
choice. And choosing offence
tells the world that you are

unable to come to terms with
the problem addressed by
the joke that you aren't in
control of your own emotions
or are not prepared to face a
situation.

If a man insists on telling
inappropriate jokes at the
wrong time or place, tell him
you don't like it and you want
him to stop. If he continues
to do it, simply walk away
and do something else.

Or you could strike up a
conversation about his jokes
with the line: 'Do you know
any jokes that aren't nasty?'
and so turn the talk to a
general discussion about
the nature of humour.




5. Why do men make such a fuss
about going shopping?

HUNTER man developed
a form of tunnel vision,
(which enabled him to
move directly from A to B
in a straight path. The
amount of zigzagging
through shoppers and
stores needed for a suc-
cessful shopping expedi-
tion makes him feel
extremely uneasy.
Men were creatures

that made a quick kill
and went home again.
Today, that's exactly how
they like to shop.
Women shop the same
way their ancestors gathered
food heading off for the day
with a group of other women
to a place where someone
saw some tasty things grow-
ing.

They spent the day wander-
ing, squeezing, smelling, tast-
ing and feeling, and if nothing
was ripe they returned home.
The next day they went to
another place, until they
found something worth pick-
ing and taking home.

Research shows that most
men find shopping not only
unenjoyable, but actually
stressful and therefore
physically bad for them. For
women, however, it is a much-
loved form of stress relief.

SOLUTIONS: There are ways
to make men feel more posi-
tive about the shopping
experience.

Firstly, if you are food shop-
ping, let the man push the
trolley. He will like being in
control and 'driving'. He will
also like to pack the shopping
into bags at the checkout
it uses his spatial skills.

Ask him what he likes to eat
and add it to the trolley
treat it as his reward. Shop-
ping is not hard-wired into
the male brain, so incentives
are needed.

When shopping for clothes,
remember most men have a
shopping attention span of 30
minutes. If you must take
him with you, do it near a
hardware store so at least he
can go off and look at a new
DIY gadget for a while.

If you leave him outside a
changing room, get him
something to eat first. If you
want his opinion, ask if he
likes what you are wearing
not which of two or three
outfits he prefers.

[dalin]

A guy walks into a bar.

A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, "All the guys on this side of the bars are Cocksuckers "Anyone got a problem with that?"

Everyone is understandably silent.

He then chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other side of the bar are mother****ers! Anyone got a problem with that?"

Everyone is silent, again.

Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

[dalin]

The Hell you say...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
----------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
----------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
----------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
----------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
----------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
--------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
----------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
---------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
----------------------------------------
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
----------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
----------------------------------------
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
----------------------------------------
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
----------------------------------------
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
----------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
----------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

[dalin]

The Castration
A Texan and his wife had 12 children. His wife didn't believe in birth control, so he went to his Doctor and told his doctor he wanted to be castrated.
"Are you sure?" asked the Doctor. "That's a pretty drastic method of birth control."
The Texan replied, "Yep. I've thought about it, and I'm not going to change my mind. I want to be castrated."
"So, either you do it, or I'll find another doctor who will."
The Doctor reluctantly agreed.

The day after the operation, the Texan was walking spraddle-legged down the hall, wearing the hospital gown that ties in the back and shows your butt. He was dragging the little I.V. pole on wheels along with him.
He spotted another man walking towards him, wearing the same type of gown, dragging the same type of I.V. pole, and walking spraddle-legged just like he was.

As they met in the hallway, the Texan said, "Well, looks like you got castrated, too."
The man replied, "Nope. I just had a Vasectomy."
The Texan slapped his forehead and screamed out, "$hit!! That was the word!!!"

[dalin]

Ten Things men know for sure about women
Ten Things men know for sure about women.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10. They have breasts.

[dalin]

Spring Thaw
Spring Thaw

Another story from the Male perspective

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed.

The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ..she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

You should have seen her face .. it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man." I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring thaw.

[dalin]

I get a kick out of men's jokes. I think there is possibly a kernel of truth to each one, even though I know they don't apply to me . . . well, not everyone, anyway.

Here are my top 12 Men's Jokes:

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Who knows? - Does it ever happen?

How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half of the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. A dog is always happy to see you
B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train

What is the thinnest book in the world? What men know about women.

How can you tell if a man is aroused? He's breathing.

What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.

What is a man's idea of doing housework? Lifting his feet so you can vacuum underneath.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

Babe Lehrer in her book, Men, They Just Don't Get It!, which has some marvelous short stories from women, has a few men quotations that I really like, also. They are not really jokes. They are more like observations.

Here are five quotations from Men, They Just Don't Get It!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him!

Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

On birthdays, the wise husband forgets the past - but never the present.

What do you do when you boyfriend walks out? Close the door.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Finally, I have one observation from my wife. I've been known to express myself vociferously after consuming caffeine. Peg stopped me cold one morning by saying, "You know, one more cup of coffee and I can legally kill you."

[mellotripp]

Columbus must have been an alcoholic. When he left he didn't know where he was going, when he got there he didn't know where he was at. And it was all financed by a woman.
...heard this one yesterday.

[dalin]

Knock Knock

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a v@gina". She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a v@gina". She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it".

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have v@gina".......

"Yes" she says......



The man replies.. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my Wife's alone and start using yours?"

[dalin]

:tongue::2::neutral::confused::16:It's Hell to be Old . . .your smile for today
>
>
>
>
> It's Hell to be Old . . .
>
>
> OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
>
> An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
> part of his physical exam.
>
> The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and
> bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
>
> The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
> and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the
> previous day.
>
> The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc,
> it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then
> I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
>
> 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
> with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with
> the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
>
> 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
> first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin'
> it between her knees, but still nothing.'
>
> The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
>
> The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
>
>
:tongue::2::wink::lol::frown::162::5:







-

[dalin]

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?


:1::mrgreen:

[dalin]

These pick up lines are so nasty, they're insults...

The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

I like every bone in your body especially mine.

How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?

Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want?

Why don't you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart?

Baby I'm like milk, I'll do your body good.

Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them.

Hey baby lets play army I'll lay down you can blow me up.

If your left is thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas can I visit you in-between the holidays

If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?

You're like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can't stop you!

I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

If you were a car door I would slam you all night long

Baby, your so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast.

How about you sit on my lap and we'll straighten things out

Baby, I'd run a mile for your vertical smile. Nice shirt.... wanna ****?

If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

Can I have fries with that shake!

I've got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U.

You're so sweet you're giving me a toothache.

Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?

If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.

Hi, I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house?

Pardon my is there a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants.

Do you know CPR because you take my breath away.

Your daddy must of been a drug dealer 'cause you're dope.

My face is leaving in 15 minutes...be on it!

I'd look good on you.

When does your centerfold come out.

So do ya wanna see something really swell?

I've seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?

I've got the hot dog and you got the buns.

Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.

Are we near the airport or is that just my heart taking off?

I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock.

You have nice legs. What time do they open?

Do you like Subway? How about my foot long?

Hey that dress looks nice. Can I talk you out of it.

Is that a keg in your pants? Cause I'd just love to tap that ass!

Are those pants from outer space? Cause that ass is out of this world.

You're like a championship bass, I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.

Is your dad a terrorist? Because your the bomb!

Are you a parking ticket cause you have fine written all over you.

If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head tonight?

[dalin]

Men's Underwear Jokes




You just might be a Redneck if:

You've ever tried to drown a fish.
You can yell to your mom, "Hey, Aunt Betty!"
Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your family tree does not fork.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
The fifth grade is referred to as " your senior year."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.

______________

[dalin]

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."

What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.

Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the *****es off the smart ones.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

[dalin]

Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."

Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."

Statement: "She's kinda cute."
True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the
head might be necessary."

Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."

Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."

Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
True Meaning: "Who are you?"

Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find
out sooner or later."

Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on
their way to tell you by now."

Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."

Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."

Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"

Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in
convenience stores and drive-through windows.

Why do men name their *****es?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

Why do men like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.

How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A.So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.

Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."

How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A.One - men will screw anything.
B.One - men will screw up anything.
C.Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

What do men and beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? - did it ever happen??

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

[dalin]

A BOY'S CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'4 months vacation and five good leads.'

[dalin]

The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome.

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .
After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said...
'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

[dalin]

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the misses felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

'I found the remote,' he mumbled.

[shydawg]

Bringing Her Back

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75.
He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man. He tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph! Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes, and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." "The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

[dalin]

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this
congregation
has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie
and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.. I am embarrassed and do
not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and
ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family..'

No one moved.

The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is
a
falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel
glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.'

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic
rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has
been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku
Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under
the sheets.'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation
roared....

[dalin]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0YwL2xKE3Y

[annalittlebit]

:lol::lol:

[dalin]

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[dalin]

So this guy is driving to the Hospital where his wife is
going into labor with their first child. Naturally he is
going a little faster than perhaps he should. He passes
over a bridge and finds himself being flagged down by
a traffic cop. He pulls over and is receiving nothing but
attitude from the cop even after he has been told the reason
for the rush so he decides to give a little back.
The guy says: 'Actually I'm on my way to work and I
don't want to be late.' So the cop asks: 'And what job could
possibly warrant such a disregard for the posted limit?'
'Well, I'm an asshole stretcher.' So the cop says: 'What
does an asshole stretcher do?' 'Well officer, I take a finger
and grease it up, I slide it into an ordinary asshole and work
it 'round. I then add another finger, then another until the
asshole is the required size, sometimes up to as large as
six feet!' So the cop says: 'What would someone do with a
six foot asshole?' So the guy says: 'GIVE HIM A SPEED GUN AND
A UNIFORM AND POST HIM ON A BRIDGE!!!'

[dalin]

Any Indian would know...
An Indian tracker is taking some pioneers through the plains in the mid-1800's.
Suddenly he stops and points. "Bear have babies." He says.

One of the younger pioneers runs up and asks, "How'd you know that!?."

"I know these things," replied the Indian.

They continue their journey, and a little while later the Indian stops, points,
and says, "deer tracks."

"How'd you know that!?" asks the young pioneer once again.

"I know these things."

After another hour of journeying, the Indian jumps of his horse and puts his ear
to the ground. "Buffalo come."

"How'd you know that!?"

"Ear wet."