clean42day
06-15-2006, 11:03 AM
Competition Between Martyrs
"Yes, I know your spouse is an alcoholic, but my son in an alcoholic,
and that's different. That's worse!"
My pain is greater than yours!
What an easy trap that can be for us. We are out to show others how
victimized we have been, how much we hurt, how unfair life is, and what
a tremendous martyr we are. And we won't be happy until we do!
We don't need to prove our pain and suffering to anyone. We know we have
been in pain. We know we have suffered. Most of us have been
legitimately victimized. Many of us have had difficult, painful lessons
to learn.
The goal in recovery is not to show others how much we hurt or have
hurt. The goal is to stop our pain, and to share that solution with
others.
If someone begins trying to prove to us how much he or she hurts, we can
say simply, "It sounds like you've been hurt." Maybe all that person is
looking for is validation of his or her pain.
If we find ourselves trying to prove to someone how much we've been hurt
or if we try to top someone else's pain, we may want to stop and figure
out what's going on. Do we need to recognize how much we've hurt or are
hurting?
There is no particular award or reward for suffering, as many of us
tricked ourselves into believing in the height of our codependency. The
reward is learning to stop the pain and move into joy, peace, and
fulfillment.
That is the gift of recovery, and it is equally available to each of us,
even if our pain was greater, or less, than someone else's. ....M.B.
"Yes, I know your spouse is an alcoholic, but my son in an alcoholic,
and that's different. That's worse!"
My pain is greater than yours!
What an easy trap that can be for us. We are out to show others how
victimized we have been, how much we hurt, how unfair life is, and what
a tremendous martyr we are. And we won't be happy until we do!
We don't need to prove our pain and suffering to anyone. We know we have
been in pain. We know we have suffered. Most of us have been
legitimately victimized. Many of us have had difficult, painful lessons
to learn.
The goal in recovery is not to show others how much we hurt or have
hurt. The goal is to stop our pain, and to share that solution with
others.
If someone begins trying to prove to us how much he or she hurts, we can
say simply, "It sounds like you've been hurt." Maybe all that person is
looking for is validation of his or her pain.
If we find ourselves trying to prove to someone how much we've been hurt
or if we try to top someone else's pain, we may want to stop and figure
out what's going on. Do we need to recognize how much we've hurt or are
hurting?
There is no particular award or reward for suffering, as many of us
tricked ourselves into believing in the height of our codependency. The
reward is learning to stop the pain and move into joy, peace, and
fulfillment.
That is the gift of recovery, and it is equally available to each of us,
even if our pain was greater, or less, than someone else's. ....M.B.