Training Day

[Chaz]

Oh man... I am having what I refer to as a Training Day.

I coin this from the Movie of the same name and also what I experience as the outworking of the saying.... "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger". Today is probably not killing me although it feel like it. A series of disappointments. I realize now I had some expectations lingering that I never fully realized were there. I lost out on what I felt was an important business membership. A competitor beat me out for reasons I never saw coming.

I feel kinda dumb and am worried about letting my office know. I was kinda steppin' when it looked like I was a shoe-in for the membership. Now I feel like I am coming home with tail between my legs. Maybe it is God training me out of some unhealthy pride.

I am also fighting a big tax battle that is a leftover of my using days. I am overworked now trying to make up for the shortfall. I feel like an idiot for working so hard just to turn over so much of my earnings for what I owe. Taxes in partcular. A lot of penalties and interest is what makes it so tough.

Yet as much as it hurts, something tells me that this is an opportunity to train into the recovered way of thinking. If I use it and practice it in this situation, it will become more intuitive. Isnt that what the AA promises tell us? That we will intuitively handle things that used to baffle us?

I sure hope so. Will you believe with me? I really need a meeting but there isnt one this late in my city.

Thanks.

Chaz

[fibiray]

Hi there chaz, you will eventually learn how to intuitively deal with situations that once baffled you. It is important to allow yourself the time to get some clarity of thought. I know in the early days of recovery myself many things happened to me because I simply didnt have this or have the skills to challenge things. Once I was able to get well a bit only then could I stand up for myself. Sometimes it takes time for the dust to settle after putting down the drink / drugs. Hang in there and know you have plenty of support here on line. god bless and have a great day.

Fi
xxx

[docwill]

"Yet as much as it hurts, something tells me that this is an opportunity to train into the recovered way of thinking. If I use it and practice it in this situation, it will become more intuitive. Isnt that what the AA promises tell us? That we will intuitively handle things that used to baffle us?"
It's so true, Chaz. Intuition is the gift we get as we diminish the ego. 'Cept the getting there usually hurts a little. Nothing is more sore than an ego bruise!

[Chaz]

Thanks Guys... will take your feedback to heart. Am off to face the day. Had a difficult night with waking a few times and troubling dreams. Funny... this is what used to happen a lot when I was in the darkest times of depression going through a divorce.

Yet feels like an opportunity to do something different this time. Feels like the opportunity to re-live similar internal challenges but do something different. Something uncomfortable....like press on and trust my program and the fellowship.

I believe deeply in God as I understand him. Sometimes, I do not feel I relate to him in the way my religious system expected me to. I feel the fellowship is the higher power God is directing me to call on and lean on.

Will post back at the end of the day. Am acting on the serenity prayer that I prayed this morning and moving on to changing the few things close at hand that I can.... and accepting/surrendering the rest.

Thanks for being here with me.

Ciao.

Chaz

[mellotripp]

Having to accept the consequences of our using and abusing will always be our most frightful challenge, yet at the same time it is a must. To give up and go back out will always be the easy way out. I know as many times as I've done it is a miracle from God that I have been able to make it back in. But it is my miracle and nobody elses, God willing I will have a year again soon, but I have to get there One Day at a Time. So hold on Chaz, patience is also a must, along with every other must we must do in recovery.

[Chaz]

Thanks Mello...

Well, wouldnt you know it. When I got busy and did the things I could do... such as start driving to work and call the tax department... great things began to happen. I got an extension on a deadline that was really cornering me in. On top of that, the agent was extremely gracious.

Then I get to work and receive a call from the business group I was trying to join. She presented 2 new fabulous opportunities to me that may be every bit as valid as the one I missed. She also paid me a very nice compliment. The fact that she is a she didnt really hurt either!

I have slugged out the rest of my day and got some things done... the things I feel I am responsible for. The rest I have done my best to let go.

In my less-recovered way of thinking (for most of my life), I would fixate on the things that I could never change or things that were not my responsibility at that moment. Things in the distant future in many cases. They used to drive me nuts. No wonder I drank and drugged.

It has been a good day today. Yet it is only good a decision at a time and I have many more to make before the day is done.

Will keep y'all in the loop.

Ciao.

Chaz

[Chaz]

Well... a new day starts. My addict is trying to compete for my attention with old thought patterns of negativity and anxiety. That is fine, the enemy has shown his face.

I cam here.... read a few inspirational things.... turned the old thought patterns over to the care of God as I understand hime... adopted some new and uncomfortable ways of thinking.... and am pressing on with my day.

It doesnt feel easy, it doesnt feel comfortable... yet I believe the path is correct. This path of newness has helped me recover thus far.... there should be no reason to distrust it. The change is in the DOING. So that is what I am going onto next... living and doing the things I am learning.

Frankly, it is exciting to see what God will do with this day! Yeee ha! On with it!

Ciao.

Chaz

[Chaz]

Thank you those who are checking in on my journey. I hope these accounts are of some value to you in your journey.

Well I finally began to see the lightf day today. I started out in pretty bad shape as per my last post. I was feeling anxious and heavy.

I made a conscious decision not to give in to to continue to trust and do one small thing at a time. The day was full of ups and downs. Some pretty big challenges. I refused to panic and just trust my program and do what I could do (aka.... change what I had the courage to change).

Lo and behold, by the end of the day, I accomplished a ton and felt great. I simply continued to surrender what I could not handle and handle to the best of my ability what I could.

The emotional payoff finally happened. I feel great. I have a busy day ahead tomorrow and a whole new set of challenges.

Thanks again for checking in and being a part of my 24. I hope this thread is a positive part of yours.

Ciao.

Chaz

[Courtney Ellison]

Thank you those who are checking in on my journey. I hope these accounts are of some value to you in your journey.

Well I finally began to see the lightf day today. I started out in pretty bad shape as per my last post. I was feeling anxious and heavy.

I made a conscious decision not to give in to to continue to trust and do one small thing at a time. The day was full of ups and downs. Some pretty big challenges. I refused to panic and just trust my program and do what I could do (aka.... change what I had the courage to change).

Lo and behold, by the end of the day, I accomplished a ton and felt great. I simply continued to surrender what I could not handle and handle to the best of my ability what I could.

The emotional payoff finally happened. I feel great. I have a busy day ahead tomorrow and a whole new set of challenges.

Thanks again for checking in and being a part of my 24. I hope this thread is a positive part of yours.

Ciao.

Chaz


Keep up the great work, Chaz! You're doing great, and your message is even inspiring.

One day at a time.

Courtney

[Peanut]

It doesnt feel easy, it doesnt feel comfortable... yet I believe the path is correct. This path of newness has helped me recover thus far.... there should be no reason to distrust it. The change is in the DOING. So that is what I am going onto next... living and doing the things I am learning.

Frankly, it is exciting to see what God will do with this day! Yeee ha! On with it!



Hey Chaz,

I have a friend in recovery here named Chaz. Small World. I know for myself that I had to learn to do those things in front of me, not question and leave the results up to God. Amazing how everything works out when I do that.:idea: We are not comfortable in unchartered territory and that is why we tend to buck against it. Just part of the growing up process. I had to learn and am still learning that lesson even after all these years of hanging around here.:5: Sometimes quickly; sometimes slowly.

Keep on trudging

[Chaz]

Thanks Courtney, Thanks Peaunut.

More of the same continues. I have a huge day ahead, yet I have just accomplished a huge day yesterday.

Having a successful day is so different than it used to be. It used to be that a day could only be successful if all of my narrowly-defined expectations were met. Needless to say, good days became rare. One failed expectation could send me into feelings of hopelessness, self-blame, self pity, feelings of inadequacy, etc.

Now, in a more recovered mindset, a good day is defined by me knowing I fulfilled my responsibilities to the best of my ability. The results are less important. Yet results are indeed happening. I feel, to a much greater degree, I have surrendered the results (things I cannot fully change) of my choices and focused on making good choice one small choice and action at a time (things I can change).

This stuff is amazing! I have a very responsible job in a stressful and busy environment. A lot of my income is based on commission. Yet I am getting it done. I am also helping a couple of family members out. That is getting done too. So, so many other things are coming together too.

There are a few things in life that feel a little out of balance. However, I can accept that in light of other things going well and continued growth that helps me have hope for tomorrow that even more will improve.

Well.... enough of the theorizing and on with the DOING! So much of my un-recovered life was to live in my head. I would over-think everything. My more-recovered life is so much more about DOING. I stop the over-processing and make a few simple decisions and just get going. The process and results are amazing.

Thanks again for all of your support. Will keep ya in the loop!

Chaz

[Chaz]

Well on goes the training. I got in a heated dialogue online yesterday night and gave it way to much of my energy. Almost feels like relapse getting drawn into useless battle then regretting it.

Work is overwhelming yet blessings happen when least expcected.

A day at a time is keeping me alive and happier than I have ever been in adversity.

Ciao.

Chaz

[Chaz]

Mental Health and Why I drank and used.....

I feel in many ways I was a shoe-in for turning to substances at some point. In my early adulthood, I began attending church and adopting a clean-living lifestyle and acquaintances. In addition, getting an education and starting a career and family also kept me very busy so there was no opportunity to drink.

Yet the few times I did drink socially, I secretly loved it. Absolutely loved it. I call it my "free at last" experience. I secretly said to myself.... Oh man, the tension is finally gone, the anxiety has lifted, if only I could feel this way all of the time.

As life became more complicated and pressures became greater, I started to drink more and function well in it. I loved it. I could now do the things I aspired to do and actually enjoy them by numbing my nagging fear, anxiety and depression with booze.

The booze slowly crept in more and more and eventually it was a daily thing. Drinking was no longer a boost to help me get the things done I wanted to do, it overtook my ambitions and I looked for opportunities and excuses to drink all the time.

Eventually my life and marriage fell apart. Of course by now, my thinking and behaviour processes were left me so ill-equipped to handle this calamity so as much as I hated the booze, I drank more and more to dull the pain. I wanted to die. I felt trapped. My drinking led me to places that introduced me to drugs. I never thought in a million years I would pick up drug use but in a few short days of "partying", I was hooked.

Life spiralled down hill even faster and I lost more and more of what I once had. The anxiety increased so so did the drug and booze use. Doctors put me on medications for anxiety and depression and mood stabilization.

I feel my main problem during that period was the way I was processing thoughts. I was a mess. Deeply depressed, anxious, suicidal, obsessive over what I had lost and who I had lost.

It wasnt until, a few years later after the pain of my ways of thinking and behaving got so bad, I finally was willing to try to trust a new way of thinking.... namely the 12 steps of NA and AA. It took a while, but eventually I learned I could trust my program and my new way of thinking. IMMEDIATELY, the depression and anxiety I had experienced my entire life began to lift. It was immediate but it was slow and gradual. But unmistakably, it was improving and I finally had hope to rebuild my thinking, behaviour, and living on a new pathway.

Success built upon success and my faith in my program continues to grow. I am so much more free of anxiety and depression. I am functioning in ways I never dreamed I could. Career and relationships are recovering so amazingly and I am grateful every day. I search for hope and new ways to grow in every recovery meeting, conversation and reading.

I am no longer on medications for my moods, which for me, never did really do much for me. Not to say theyare not appropriate for some... that is not my call to make. But for me as an individual, I was able to find a way out by changing my thinking and behaviour.

Surrender and getting away from expectations were two of the keys for me. I always felt I could handle anything that came my way so I never surrendered. I always figured I should have my way or be able to figure things out so I always set expectations. Both of these old ways were killing me.

The program, the Big Book, sharing from others, and my own pathway of discovery have helped me so, so, so much. My doctor is amazed. So are my family members. I am so grateful.

I have by no means "arrived". I do not believe we ever do. I am just sharing that I am a grateful person on a journey who feels he has come a long way. There is no reason any of us cannot progress in our journeys. We have lots of travel companions to join us and help us on the way.

I am Chaz... and I am a most grateful recovering addict!

If it took addiciton to finally make me desparate enough to seek out a new way of thinking that would eventually relieve my anxiety and depression, then frankly, I am grateful it happened. God works in mysterious ways.

[docwill]

Keep coming back, Chaz. It works.

[Peanut]

Thank you Chaz for you your honesty and reflection. It is amazing what can happen when we surrender and get out of the way. We all think so much alike in letting go of our pride and ego. This program is just so simple that we can complete the heck out of it. Thank you for all the inspiration, I needed to hear what you had to say today.

Love In Service,
Patti

[dalin]

keep coming!
I Need You!!

[Chaz]

Dalin, Peanut and Docwill...

Thanks for sharing these experiences. I will keep coming back and yes, it most certainly does work.

Today, I had yet another opportunity to apply my recovery in an everyday situation. We had a situation at work where we were trying to provide a product for a customer that was hard to get and he had a short timeline for needing it.

We had located the item in another city and were hoping to have it shipped, but first we needed some financing approved before we could commit to the expense of transport. By the time we got financing approved for him, the item was sold.

My colleagues panicked and got pessimistic. I exercised every bit of recovery I could get ahold of and shut every thought and feeling out other than taking the next simple step in trying to keep the transaction on the books and locate an alternate unit for the customer.

We located another, but lost it to another dealer. Then another, but it wasnt quite what he needed and so on and so on for a few hours. The other people involved got more and more emotional. I maintained focus, did my part, took a tiny step at a time, looked for the narrow window of what COULD be done, accepted that as my responsibility to change what I could, and ignored (surrendered) the rest (aka: the things I could not change). I remained calm and effective in my part of the effort.

By the end of the day, we found a unit for the customer and he adapted his timeline to suit the availability. It was a series of twists and turns in order to get where we needed to go, but we eventually got there. The old me would have panicked too and got sidelined by the emotion of the complication of the whole thing. We actually ended up making a better margin on the final unit we are bringing in.

This program is paying me benefits in so many areas of my life... it is just amazing. For me, this is the way to live. A day at a time.

Thank you all for being a part of my 24.



Chaz