Making excuses

[Matt]

I got sober last year in february, from alcohol and cocaine. I went to a meeting or two everyday, and that lasted about six months, and I started drinking again, occasionally using cocaine. I've made half assed attempts to go back to meetings, even started meeting with a sponsor briefly. Then someone said something that made me angry, and never went to a meeting again. At first I thought I could control my alcoholism by just drinking one day a week, having just a couple or whatever. I don't drink everyday, but when I do, now it seems to be back to the old way, and one day has now turned to 3. Its also starting to affect my relationships. My question is, why is it every time I think about sobering up and going to meetings I find an excuse and always decide to postpone my sobering up to a later date? Right now, it's that i'm embarassed to go back to AA. Anyone else had this problem?

[fibiray]

Hi matt you are not alone. I think many of us have been down the path that you have. Myself when I came into aa I saw that word god on the wall and thought to myself, this will be short lived. I didn't think that the steps were tangible given the type of drinker that I was. As far as I was concerned I had real problems and to simply trust some airy fairy thing to solve them was ludicrous. I also saw that step 4 and thought no way, why do you think I drink, so that I dont have a conscience. I guess it came dow to the simply fact that I had not accepted my alcoholism for all it's consequences. May I suggest that you read step one again. I was one for finding excuses, reasoning the ludicrous and rationalising the completely nuts. This was my form of manipulation and I had survived that way for many years. I guess I could not expect over night for such dramatic changes to occur straight away. It was going to be a long journey and given how damaged I was it took some time for the fog to lift from my thinking and to gain some clarity of thought before i could really comprehend the steps and how my drinking had affected myself and others. If you are struggling with acceptance then may I suggest that you look at believing in a higher power of your own choosing and praying to that power for acceptance. Again the steps and traditions book will help you in your journey. god bless

Fi
xxx:smile:

[WendyB]

Hi Matt. I can relate to your story. I was terrified to go back to AA. My pride was holding me back. But it was my pride that was killing me. The subtle foe of alcoholism will tell you to stay away from recovery. It is not by any means an easy decision to make. I live in Alaska and everyone knows each other up here, so it was hard for me to "come crawling" back in defeated by alcohol. But I did it and I am grateful everyday I did. God bless you on your journey.

[Matt]

Thanks for your replies. I agree I kneed to sit down and read the first step in 12 and 12. I know once I go to a meeting everyone will be friendly, it's really just and excuse.

I also had issues about a higher power, and still do, but I suppose that can be dealt with later.

[Chaz]

Hey Matt!

I can totally relate! My clean/sober date is Feb 2006 too. Booze and coke too. I am now over 18 months. However, this is not the first time around for me.

To put myself in your shoes, perhaps it is similar to when I continued to use back in 04/05. I wanted to quit at some level, however, I had reservations that I did not detect were there. I was not convinced on a deep enough level that to use once was to go back out and get progressively worse.

It took being totally defeated for me to see the light of day as far as realizing that I couldnt use or drink at all without consequence. The proof for me was when I was about 10 months sober in early 06 and was admitted to the hospital for depression and rage I was going through when I found out my ex now was engaged to my buddy who she claimed was not why she packed in the marriage. I was devastated that I fell for the lies she told me in ending our marriage. Turns out she was hooked up with him all along.

I was clean and sober but just couldnt handle it. I wanted to die. So friends asked me to check into hospital. The put me on a sedative that eventually lead to the most vivid using dreams and eventually, a relapse.

It was short but explosive. It was through that that I realized that I could not use even one bit. This medically supervised drug I had been given snuck up on me and triggered an uncontrollable impulse to go out and use. How much worse would it be if I hooked up with my old party companions... a bottle of Absolut and some cocaine?

I almost lost everything in my world over this brief relapse. It rocked my world to the core. I put myself in a recov house and got to know people a lot worse off than me. I finally stopped feeling sorry for myself an became grateful for every second, posession, breath, and cent I had or could earn. It was only he upon this total defeat and surrender that I realized that I could never use again and had to do what it took to stay that way.

I believe at such a deep level how dangerous it would be for me to use, I am able to stay away from using mindsets by working my program to the max. Like you though, I do find some aspects of meetings challenging. I was, in fact, heckled at my home group a few weeks ago by some nutty guy. Then last week, I was chairing and another nut-job dashes up to the podium and disrupts the meeting before I could stop him. Even tonight.... I went to a meeting near my office and some self-consumed idiot blathers on and on about his lavish lifestyle and all kinds of **** that is just self-agrandizing disguised as sharing. YET.... in all of those meetings there was value. I cannot trip over the idiotic circumstances of the sick people in the rooms. There are many healthy people who have something of value to share... it was certainly the case in each of those meetings.

I believe that staying clean requires a depth of belief that using will destroy you and what you really want in life. I believe once you reach that stage, you will seek out and develop your program to the degree that you will stay clean and recover. Idiotic people in meetings wont matter because you will be so thrilled with your clean time and simply be happy in the new life you are in. That is how it is working for me anyway.... and many others I know.

I hope that was helpful.

Keep postin' and chillin' here. It makes a big difference to me. You have blessed me by your honesty by the way.

Chaz

[Matt]

I do have the belief that my use will eventually lead me back to the bottom where I was just a year in a half ago. I lost my job, home, and almost ended up in prison. It surprises me that I still go out after all that, but honestly, it never even enters my thoughts. Wonder why.

[dalin]

If you are like me,and are a die hard dope feind,unless you get into recovery,well...
I had too,or I would die.
There is alot of Good writing here.
Alot of us find a power greator than we were.
Please hang in there.
Keep coming

[Chaz]

Like you guys.... I too believe I was headed toward death. NA readings teach us the "the ends are always the same, jail, institutions and death". I got to a point where I believed this with all of my heart and still do.

This phrase is reinforced every time a newcomer comes in or someone goes out and comes back in.... or dies out there. It simply is truth and will show itself eventually.

Matt...I would encourage you to look closely at the writing on the wall in your own life. You do at some level believe that death or some other tragedy will result eventually if you keep going out.

Could you also borrow our experiences and encouragement for the time being while you continue to develop your own belief and understanding? Understand that we all been convinced that death or calamity are certainties if we continue to go out.

By continually reading and going to meetings, my belief grew and it became easier to stay clean/sober. And it continues even now. On to another 24!

Chaz

[Peanut]

Nothing says that we HAVE TO BELIEVE ANYTHING!
Only that we are WILLING. A lot of us want recovery, but so many of us are not willing to even try. The situations may not get better, but you will. Keep in touch. We all care about you. Hang in there.

[Matt]

I have been to rehab once. Do I need to go again, I really don't know. The dope seems to just be occasionally, but I do know it seems like it would be impossible to turn down. The same goes with alcohol but even more so.

I had a conversation with my girlfriend the other day who was asking me to stop drinking. I told her maybe I need to go back to AA, she said, you don't need AA, just stop. She really didn't understand when I told her, I don't think that I can. Seems to me that I answered my own question.

[WendyB]

I had a conversation with my girlfriend the other day who was asking me to stop drinking. I told her maybe I need to go back to AA, she said, you don't need AA, just stop. She really didn't understand when I told her, I don't think that I can. Seems to me that I answered my own question.
See I am an alcoholic, and I need AA in order to stay sober. I can probably go awhile without drinking, but I have an obsession in my mind that will always lead me back to alcohol. Your girlfriend is probably not alcoholic, and normies do not understand our way of thinking and why we need AA. Good luck to you Matt.

[Chaz]

Matt...

I too tried a lot of different things including "just quitting". It didnt work for me. I did two stints in recovery. My first one ... the organization did not agree with AA. My second one, we focused on going to a lot of AA and NA meetings.

For me, the regular and consistent doses of AA make a huge difference. Even a bad meeting is of help to me. In fact, in this respect, there is no such thing as a bad meeting in my experience.

The content of most meetings I have been to is life-changing. So getting that on a regular basis is such a powerful thing. So powerful, millions of peopole have found recovery by it.

If I were to offer a suggestion it would be simply this... do what you CAN do (go to meeting regularly.... daily is a good idea)... surrender what you CAN NOT do (such as worry about whether or not you should be in treatment)... and let God as you understand him put the next decision in your pathway.

I am willing to bet you will find amazing things begin to happen. Keep it simple... just go to meetings.... I am sure that is within your capabilities.... then let the rest come to you.

We are here with you on your journey.

Chaz

[free2bunme]

The thing that pops into my mind is that the Big Book says "Alcohol was but a symptom". I need AA to be sober and more importantly SERENE.

What do you have to lose by just going to a meeting? Seeing if you want what we have? You don't have to pick up a white chip if you don't want to. You don't have to even stay for the entire time. You don't have to talk to anyone there. You don't even have to make a commitment to stop drinking and drugging. You can take it at your own pace of willingness.