Weekly Recovery Meeting 9/2-9/8

[craig]

Hello,my name is Craig alcoholic,addict. Getting sober and living in Connecticut,we often discuss the step which corresponds to its numerical month. Being agnostic and also a step slacker;I told my new sponsor that I had completed my 9th step, however I had not done the important 4th and 5th steps. After 14 years in recovery,I was reinformed the steps were to be worked in the chronological order that they were written. I realized my first try at my 9th step ammends included only immediate family members. Now,I have been able to incorporate direct amends to all of my family and friends. To all of you in cyberspace recovery,what has been your experience with working the ninth step? brother Craig truding the road of happy destiny

[eve3]

ty craig ill catch up with u here later at work.....good topic!!!!!:D

[fibiray]

Step 9 for me I have taken in piecemeal. Made direct amend to those except when to do so would injure them or others. Time is the great influencing factor here and that is why it is down in the last few steps. I had to allow for enough time to gain some clarity of thought before I approached anyone. When I first came in I found that the things that I was responsible for I had refused to take responsibility for while the things that I wasn't responsible for I was burdened down with. Once the inventory steps were done and I was able to identify clearly where my defects of character lied and what they were, I found that there were many situation that I simply could do nothing about because I had no idea where the relevant people were. some had died, and some had moved away. Ibegan to pray for them and said to my HP that if I am meant to make an amends then god will put them in my path. Low and behold I recall recieving a letter one day that had gone to my parents house, from a fellow who I had treated badly. The last time I had seen him I was blind rotten drunk and was hurling abuse at him. The problem was I was now married with a baby and hubby was not all that impressed that this guy had attempting to waltz back into my life. I had to make an amends I knew that much but I also had to set some boundaries here also. I wrote back to this fellow explaining that Iwas now married with a child and that he could not keep contact with me any further. I had explained that I got sober and that I wanted to apologise for my past behaviour. I owed the man some money and was prepared to pay it back out of my own money not the housekeeping which my hubby supplied. That was important because it was not hubby's debt. I explained my situation and asked if he would be satisfied with recieving so much money per month until the debt was paid. I had recieved a letter back saying that he appreciated the apology and the offer to repay the money I owed but he felt that it was not necessary. He wiped the debt and wished me luck, although I did sense he was still bitter over the fact that I was married with a child as he still accomodated certain feelings towards me. Lords knows why though. That was my first experience with step 9. The flip side of step 9 was that I had nievely listened to those in the fellowship who had prompted me to make an amends to my family which was a futile exercise as these people were out to sbotage my sobriety and could not value the attempts that I was trying to make. this only placed me in a more vulnerable position with them because these people really had no clues to what my family situation was really like. I suppose they had taken on the stand that every alcoholic must always be in the wrong, which is not always the case. There were plenty of people that had wronged me over time and I am not responsible for that. although by doing the inventory steps I was able to let go of a lot of old resentments because they like me were simply suffering the pains of growing up or some form of emotional immaturity. thanks for letting me share.

Fi
xxx

[Bruce T.]

My experience? First of all, most of the people to whom I should make ammends I never even knew, much less know how to find them.

Secondly, some of my family members have completely rejected my attempts to make thing right. Their problem, not mine.

Thirdly, and probably most importantly, is that I have to take an honest look at my motive: Do I really want to make things right, or am I just trying to assuage my guilty consciounce? Step 9 is a real mo-fo for me. But the WILLINGNESS from Step 8 has been one of the greatest gains in my sobriety. Step 9 I can easily overcomplicate, but Step 8 has truly played a great role in my salvation.

Did any of that make sense? I'm not known in these parts for my skills of articulation. Dain bramage, y'know.

Okay, I'll "sharrupa m'face",

-b

[peajaye]

I'm a little like Bruce, during the height of my drinking and using, I hitchhiked around the southern USA hanging with people I never knew, using and being used. I have absolutely no contact with any of them today. Merely memories.

With my family though, I asked each one how my drinking had affected them. That gave me an opportunity to deal with the real hurt my behavior had inflicted. It also helped because I didn't really REMEMBER ALL THE CRAP.

There were some things I made charitable contributions for retribution.

The amends I make to myself everyday is to not pick up a drink. When my daughter was younger, that was the living amends I made to her on a daily basis. I taught her to drink and use, but I also taught her recovery. A great deal of the ninth step had to do with her. My role of parent was pivitol in getting me into recovery. I couldn't stand the fact that I was not measuring up to my own standards. I began trying to get clean when she was two. I got sober when she was five. She is 25 now. I've provided the information and the example and that is all I can do. I've got to leave her in God's capable hands.

Thanks for the topic, Craig.

[Doraine]

The first amends I made to my son. I had a book I wrote letters of amends to people. I didn't know where some of them were. Recently I wrote amends letters to my aunt, my sister and my mother. Those amends were long overdue. I heard from my aunt, my brother and my mother after no contact for many years. They were happy to hear from me.

[Bruce T.]

Sometimes when it comes to making ammends, an old Jethro Tull song ("Thick as a Brick" - Ian Anderson, ca. 1972) comes to mind: "Really don't mind if I sit this one out. My words but a whisper, your deafness a shout."

Shalom,

-b

[clean42day]

part of what I was taught was that an amends is much more than just an apology for my behavior......it is also backed up with actions to mend the damage, to restore what was lost, and to really genuinely have the willingness to make things better. For me that was not just behavior and financial damage. it was things like rapairng trust, respect, reverence, and emotional honor.

I made my very first amends when I was in treatment long before I even knew what an amends was - when a trick of mine walked into the facility - one who I had ripped off, treated with disrespect - played him for a fool - and then laughed in his face and dared him to do something about it about 2 years prior. I made that amends to him out of humiliation on my part - definetly self-serving ego type amends - not what the spirit of amends is all about. I was only tryng to save my face and ass at the same time.

3 years later after I had worked all my steps: and I was finally given the opportunity to make amends to my family face to face...................
part of my amends to my family was not only taking responsibilty for my part, my behavior, and apologizing for the hurt, pain, worry, and damage to my relaitonships with them, but to also offer financial responsibiltiy to pay for all the things I stole and money I squandered.....but the most important part of that amends - was to turn it into a living amends on a daily basis in new behavior on my part to never act like that again, never treat them that way again, and to rebuild trust and integrity with them by changing my whole past history and createing a new history and creating new memories with them. It is still my responsibility to repair what I broke.............................the whole dynamic of my realationship with them.

I had not only used and abused my family - I them abandoned them for 14 years and they didn't know if I was alive or dead. Part of my amends is to keep in contact with them every week, call for no reason other than to say hello, make sure I don't forget birthdays, holidays wishes, and "BE" the loving, respectful, sister and daughter that I am capable of being today. It doesn't matter if they call me or how much effort they put into the relationships I have with them today - what matters is MY EFFORT and my living amends in action to see if I can make a difference in the now.

My one amends to my alcholic brother was seen as an opportunity on his part to manipulate me into making financial restoration that was way out of porportion to the origional theft. basically he wanted to attach "monitary interest" to the damage and wanted me to pay extra for 22 years of him doing without some speakers I stole from him. My sponsor told me that was entrapment, extortion, and he was tyring to use guilt and manipulation to be greedy. I had to tell him after I had talked to my sponsor that I was willing to pay for the origional damage by buying him the very same speakers at todays market value - but that I was NOT going to buy him a whole new surround sound system for his 3 thousand square foot house. it was an awkward moment to say the least.

most of the other people I felt I owed amends to were street people who I am not willing to go out and find because it would harm me to do so......drug dealers I ripped off.......customers I played......and my sponsor told me that I could compensate for those amends - buy puttin an extra dollar in the basket at meetings and paying my actions forward by being of genuine service to others by treating people with dignity and respect and by never living like that or acting like that again.

so for me my initial 9th step is done - but for me the 9th is an ongoing step of making living amends to myself to change. and yes part of my 10th when I have done my own inventory and identified when I need to make amends for my actions in the here and now.

much of the time I can catch myself just moments after I have said something harmful, and make my amends right then and there while the person is still in front of me - making immediate amends like that is very humbling and taking repsonsibility right away usually keeps me from repeating that same inappropriate behavior again. Teaching me to think before I speak my mind.

my living amends to myself is continually working on self-trust, self-honor, self-love, dignity and self-respect, and maintianing my integrity in those areas of my life automatically benefits the people who are in my life on a daily basis.

a real simple way to put a living amends is - is I try to treat people the way I would want to be treated.

light and love

Gail

[clean42day]

Found this in A Day At a Time (ADAAT)e-mail group...................they send daily inspirations to my email every morning.....they are a nice way to start the day.

September 5

EMOTIONAL BALANCE

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible,. . . . .
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS , p. 83

When I survey my drinking days, I recall many people whom my life
touched casually, but whose days I troubled through my anger and
sarcasm. These people are untraceable, and direct amends to them
are not possible. The only amends I can make to those untraceable
individuals, the only "changes for the better" I can offer, are
indirect amends made to other people, whose paths briefly cross
mine. Courtesy and kindness, regularly practiced, help me to live
in emotional balance, at peace with myself.

[clean42day]

September 6



REMOVING THREATS TO SOBRIETY


. . . . except when to do so would injure them or others. . . .
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS , p. 59

Step Nine restores in me a feeling of belonging, not only to the
human race but also to the everyday world. First, the Step makes
me leave the safety of A.A., so that I may deal with non-A.A.
people "out there," on their terms. It is a frightening but
necessary action if I am to get back into life. Second, Step Nine
allows me to remove threats to my sobriety by healing past
relationships. Step Nine points the way to a more serene sobriety
by letting me clear away past wreckage, lest it bring me down.

Found in ADAAT group

[janbear]

My sponsor guided me some in step 9. Some of my amends came about from my 4th step resentment list where i had to look at my part. The first time around when i tried to make what i thought was an amends without the guidance of a sponsor at that time, i had tried to go to my mom, but my motives were wrong in doing it for what i really wanted was for her to make amends to me and that is not what step 9 is about. Its about "cleaning up my side of the street". After that first attempt i ended up relapsing. Anyway i guess third time was a charm for me for it took that many times for my motives to change. I finally trully wanted to make things right, own up to my own behavior and change my behavior. Saying i am sorry was one thing, but changing my behavior is what an amends is. I made amends to family members, and friends, an employer, and i also made contributions to society in general. I had one on my list that my sponsor suggested i not make because of possible physical danger. There are still some on that list that i am still very willing to make amends wherever possible to.

[admin]

By the time I had my last drink, I had said I was sorry and wouldn't do it again so much that I figured my family and close friends didn't want to hear it again and also they wouldn't believe me. For them I made living amends by staying sober and clean one day at a time, working the steps and living for God. Any that I couldn't make direct amends to for whatever reason and there was one, I made indirect amends by doing something good for someone else. Like Jan, I went by my list I had from my 4th step.

[mellotripp]

Instead of asking my Mother for forgiveness, I just had to try to be the best son that I can. As she slowly deteriorates in her abilities, it has been hard for me to do so since I had so much going on in my life. She may not live long enough for me to be able to prove to her that I am a good son, but that will be placed in God's hands, right now I am trying to prove that to myself.

[free2bunme]

right now I am trying to prove that to myself.

i think that is great mello, you are the only person you need to prove that too anyway -

[eve3]

hey all as pj and cousin b- said most of these people i didnt no and like pj i hitched hiked cross the us being used and using others etc....most ammends i needed 2 make were family memebers cus i left them 23 yrs ago and visited 3 times 1 and 2 because dada was sick 2 dada died...and they didnt want me there either i stayed only 2 bury him the 3 time was just going 2 ny no body in my family was around...i made ammends 2 dad by sending a letter home 2 him after i got out of jail and was still clean probaly my 2 year i had them bring it and read it and rip it up and let it fly away! @ 5 yrs clean i sent my 4 yr medallion home 2 be put in the grd with him....i have asked sista what i can do and mom nand they say keep doing what your doing,your actions are your ammends....thats all i can say @ this time gotta finish paper work @ work ty craig,eve