Here's a topic...

[PapaDave]

To those who didn't see my initial post; I'm just shy of 4 months clean; out of rehab for about 2 months, and currently living in a halfway house.

I'm working my program: throwing myself into meetings of both fellowships; to the tune of about 20 a week and regularily participate embracing others topics as well as bringing up my own when I have concerns. I read The Basic Text (NA) and The Big Book (AA) regularily, and am currently working on an NA workbook that coincides with the 12 steps.

I have joined a home group for both fellowships; one of them meeting daily, and one weekly. I've also been oriented for an H&I (Hospitals and Institutions) sub-committee in which I will eventually speak at prisons and rehabilitation institutions to share my experiences, hopes, and situations with others. I'm also scheduled to begin speaking at elementary schools beginning next month. Hopefully I can prevent others from making some of the poor decisions I have.

ANYWAY, excuse the brief synopsis of where I'm at but it sets the foundation for my current on-going conflict.

I have already gone through two different sponsors. Both were excellent individuals who probably could have been instrumental in my recovery, had I allowed them. There were personality and lifestyle differences that prevented the sponsorship from being ideal, however, essentially, I know they could have (and technically still can) be successful had I just been able to shake a character defect I've always possessed.

Throughout my life, I've never been capable of 'being myself' with other males. I've always felt as if I had to wear a mask in all my friendships and even casual acquaintaces with other males utilizing the macho persona in order to feel comfortable. With females who are more than acquaintaces, whether romantically involved or not, I can truly let down my guard and be myself. I've always had "good friends" who were males, as well as be being a member of the typical cliques and circles that most become involved in throughout their lives. However realistically, I'm always playing an actor trying to present the role I believe I must to be accepted/respected/etc. I'm extremely extroverted, outspoken, and arrogant; though this is not necessarily me.

Anyway... that's my problem in a nutshell. Realistically, I believe my ideal sponsor would be female, though that is frowned upon. I do realize the potential sexual chemistry getting in the way of the sponsorship.

I've talked enough.

Any solutions? Suggestions?

-Dave

[Chaz]

Dave... awesome post.

I suppose this venue give the opportunity to be honest in a unique way. Thank you for that.

From my perspective... continuing to work with a male sponsor would be my first choice. Perhaps, early in the sponsorship, indicate what you just did to us in this post so it is something that is abundantly clear in the sponso-sponsee relationship.

When I first came into the program years ago, I had some parallel issues to what you describe. I came from afluence and was losing everything. I had been professionally employed, married, had a beautiful home. Lost it all in my disease(s). With my first sponsor, I subconsciously felt I needed to impress him with my success as a professional.... which at that time was teetering. Through many a long discussion, he helped me confront this issue. Sometimes in not such a comfortable way.... in fact he pissed me right off... and was from time to time out of line, I believe.

Yet I look back to my meeting sharing in those days and I can recognize that I would plant little seeds of how successful I was or had been. Why? Probably because of my fear of being nothing without my image. Eventually I did lose what I feared I would lose. It hurt like hell...BUT...now that I am on the other side of it, it was probably the best thing to happen to me. I finally surrendered the mask... which included the mask I used to disguise myself from myself... I finally stopped putting energy into putting up an all-together exterior and found the FREEDOM to deal with what was really on the inside.

The funny thing is that now, a few years into it, I am regaining what I lost. I have a great new career and relationship and am able to be far more valuable in my world than I was previously.... including jobs, relationships, health, etc. People in my life always had to compete with my projected image in order to be with me.

My thoughts... get a male sponsor and be as brutally honest as you were with us in this post. It sounds like you have a clear identification of this problem thing inside of you. Now would be a good time to share it with someone, surrender it, and move toward the freedom of being you. If it comes up again, re-surrender it, again and again. It eventually diminishes. An honest sponsor can help you with this. God will help, the program will help, we will help.

I hope this is helpful.

Chaz

[mellotripp]

Hi Dave, I like Chaz was always trying to impress my sponsor till I got stuck on the steps and told him that was why. I feel, believe it or not, more comfortable sharing with his wife, who happens to be my mental health clinic casemanager and is also in the program. The reason I find it hard to share with my sponsors is because I have always felt that they are going to set me straight and force me to keep from doing what I want to do, my will not God's. To be frank I have been in and out of recovery for 20 years, this sponsor is an excellent individual who I have seen work the program and not just talk it. So whatever or whoever you feel more comfortable with is OK for whatever reason, as long as you can be as honest with them as you have just been with us. As for me, my sponsor has got me working step one, as I actually begin to work the steps with a sponsor for the very first time. I felt I was ready for the nitty gritty, the meat and potatoes of recovery, then I started, and I realized how much of step 1 I had missed thoughout the years.

[FOOLINTHERAIN]

Wow,Great stuff.

I would also recommend staying with a male sponsor.

Honesty with myself has definitley been my greatest challenge in sobriety.

If i'm not being honest with God or myself than i cant be honest with others,or if i'm
not beibg honest with others i'm not being honest with myself and God.

To thine own self be true!

I think you will find a greater respect for yourself and others when you can be honest with yourself and others.

I think with that honesty you will find new freedom that you can't even imagine.

Hope this helps you in your recovery.

[snugsnug]

hey papadave, there has been some good stuff already shared, and since you asked i will give you :234:worth. first of all i would pick a fellowship that you can relate to exclusively, either NA or AA, not both, and find a home group in that fellowship only, then find a sponsor in that fellowship. remember a sponsor is only a guide through the twelve steps and if we want a guide through the twelve traditions. i believe you are complicating a simple program. also i would slow my roll, give your self a break. four months clean is a miracle, however going to prisons and school is serious, sharing with those a mixed message could be deadly, we always want to share a simple un-confusing life saving message of hope.
keep coming.
sterling

[kaistevens]

My suggestion is that you tell the MAN you ask to sponsor you what you just told us. Hangin' on to that ego is only goin' to hurt you, could even kill you. Men get males and women get females because that's the way it works best. Most of the women I have met in the program, have said just what I said when I got here:
"You don't understand, I'm different. I just don't trust women."
We almost always have a special reason why we shouldn't have to do it the way the program suggests. Men are just the same. They don't like to talk to other men, they don't trust them, they don't like being told what to do by some man.

Being 'special', and different is the best way for any alcoholic/addict to get messed up.

Love ya later
Kai

[Chaz]

Oh man... as I read the replies.... I am so reminded of the self-deception that kept me as sick as I was. I believe this is the purpose of the "we" part of the program... whether it be people in meetings, support groups, or our sponsors. It is impossible to self-assess meaningfully by ourselves. Our addicts in ourselves have far to much agenda to allow us to spot self-deception on our own.

I am so glad I had an honest sponsor. I live so much more free today since recognizing some major self-deceptions. The exciting part is the process does not end.

(Can you hear the George Michael chorus .... "Freedom! Freedom! Freedom"...playing as you read?!)

Ciao... Chaz

[Humblepie]

I have enjoyed what everyone has said in this thread, thank you all who have shared your thoughts.

Dave it is really the 6th paragraph of your post that caught my attention. It reminds me of the way I used to feel. A few thoughts:

Throughout my life, I've never been capable of 'being myself' with other males. I've always felt as if I had to wear a mask in all my friendships and even casual acquaintaces with other males utilizing the macho persona in order to feel comfortable.
Get rid of the macho persona mask and just be yourself. Honesty is a much simpler and more comfortable way to live.

With females who are more than acquaintances, whether romantically involved or not, I can truly let down my guard and be myself.

Truly let down your guard with men in AA and see what happens.

I've always had "good friends" who were males, as well as be being a member of the typical cliques and circles that most become involved in throughout their lives. However realistically, I'm always playing an actor trying to present the role I believe I must to be accepted/respected/etc.

I accept and respect your honesty in this post Dave. Thanks for sharing.