TAKING PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR CODEPENDENCY

[clean42day]

Sharing Experience, Strength, and Hope - My Recovery Process

Author Robert Burney – Joy2meu.com

"In learning how to achieve some emotional balance in our lives, it is necessary to be able to look at our self, our own inner process, and the life dynamic itself, from different perspectives. It is this looking at different levels that is the process of processing. Processing is a matter of looking at, filtering, discerning, getting clear about what is happening at any given moment in our relationship with life, with ourselves, with everything that is stimulating us."
***
"A very important part of my process of finding some balance in my life - of learning how to see myself and how I relate to others and life more clearly - was to get clear that everything in my process relates back to me and my growth process. I had to get past my codependent belief that I was doing something for you - or you were doing something to me."
***
"Taking action is one of the most valuable tools in the recovery process and is very much connected to the principle of taking responsibility. It is very important to become proactive in our own healing process. That means that we need to align our will and our will power with healing instead of with the disease." ***
"When I am taking care of business and owning my responsibility as co-creator of my life, at the same time I am letting go of trying to control things over which I have no control, then I can find a balanced place where I learn how to relax and enjoy life more today. Sometimes taking care of business means forcing myself to take action."

"The thing that was the most damaging to us was the role modeling of the emotionally crippled adults we grew up around - the role modeling is what taught us the dysfunctional definitions of who we are as emotional beings. It is vitally important, in my opinion, that we have some beings who are willing to role model what emotionally healthy behavior is - which includes being emotionally vulnerable at times.
Traditional therapy/counseling in this society is set up as a one up-one down situation - that is the therapist is set up as the expert who treats the poor unfortunate patient. I happen to agree with something Ram Dass once said about this - "If you meet a therapist who thinks you are the patient - run!""
***
"I am in process just as my clients are - just as we all are. There is no hierarchy as far as I am concerned - just one wounded person/Magnificent Spiritual Being sharing what has worked for me with another wounded person/Magnificent Spiritual Being. I am doing what I need to do for myself, to heal myself - it doesn't have to do with anyone else - that it helps other people is just a bonus (and an opportunity to settle Karma)."

I was concerned that I was worrying too much about other people’s opinions because of what I said about trying to communicate in a Loving way - when what I was really talking about was communicating in non shaming language. I am powerless over anyone else's opinion of me and have had numerous lessons from the Universe that helped me let go of that one having much power. In trying to communicate in non shaming language what I am attempting is to maximize the possibility of people being able to hear what I am saying - and not use it to beat themselves up. We are so good at beating ourselves up that I want to minimize the possibility that anyone can use what I say to do that to themselves. I am, of course, powerless over how people react - but I try to make it as clean as possible.;

I cannot control other people. I cannot control life events. I do not have the power to force a specific outcome in my life in a way that will work to satisfy the need that I think it will satisfy.
It is possible to force an outcome. Someone with enough money and/or power (political, physical, corporate, emotional, etc.) can sometimes force other people to do what they want. It is possible to bully, intimidate, rape, take over, force out of business, steal, lay on guilt trips, etc., to get an outcome you desire.
It will not fill the hole in your soul however. It will not slake the thirst you are trying to quench in a way that is lasting. It will not ultimately meet the need which you fixated on that outcome to gratify.
It will not bring peace, fulfillment, and True Love into your life. Forcing an outcome is ultimately dysfunctional.
Likewise, life events cannot be controlled. You can work and slave to buy the dream house - and have it wiped out in a matter of moments in a fire or earthquake. You can scrimp and save for retirement - and have your life savings wiped out in a financial disaster, or die the day you retire.
There are no guarantees what tomorrow will bring. Focusing all of our time and energy on the future is dysfunctional - not only because it causes us to miss out on today - but because it simply does not work to guarantee an outcome.
The out come (end result / destination) is what we are powerless over. We can take action towards an outcome, but then we need to let go of the results. We can plant the seeds of the garden we wish to grow but we cannot guarantee that the results will be what we envision - or will satisfy our underlying need.
Our job as co-creators is to imagine the garden, plant the seeds and nurture them, and enjoy the process that we are involved in today. We are ultimately powerless over the outcome. We do have the power to be present for the journey no matter what the destination ends up being.
If we are always focused on the destination, we are not living today. I spent most of my life feeling like my life would begin when ____ - I got the money, or the success, or the relationship, or whatever. That is dysfunctional and codependent and sets me up to be a victim of life and other people.
In order not to be the victim it is necessary to own our power to make choices. It is necessary to exercise power in the areas that we have some power and control.
The things that I have the power to control to some extent are my own attitudes and behaviors. I have the power to choose what actions I take.


Attitudes and Behaviors

[clean42day]

Looking at the above reading and internalizing it, I have found in my own co-dependent thinking - that most of the disease centers in my thinking and my EMOTIONAL filtering system of how I interpret life. Event A happens......and C is the outcome.......B= is how I interpret the event - Good/bad ECT.......and most of my coda stuff comes from bottom line fears.

deep seated fear? that maybe there really isn't a god directing the universe and that maybe I am at risk to all the cosmic forces at work including other peoples mistakes, thier unhealthy behavior, and just a general trepidation that something is going to happen, that something is wrong with me and others and - if I DON'T ACT OUT TO FIX SOMETHING -the worst is going to happen.

fear that maybe that same god that might not be directing the universe - IS NOT directing my life and is not in control of anyone elses life either.

my codependent nature tells me in order to achieve some kind of safety and security in my life - that I MUST PLAY GOD - just in case he really isn't doing his job in my life or other peoples lives.

that whole bottom line fear gives birth to compulsive controlling behaviors and dysfunctional reactions - that perpetuate and water the seed of fear even further.

That is how I have identified the bottom line codependent nature of my disease and what thinking perpetuates it and how it plays out in my life.


CAN ANYONE RELATE TO THIS?




so what that sounds like in my thinking is: Judgement - I am continually the judge, jury, and executioner.........and the easiest thing to do is judge others in the name of a superior attitude - cause after all I am playing god right? and God KNOWS BEST. I give myself a righteous attitude and grant myself permission to judge a situaiton, person, place or thing.....worthy, unworthy, right, wrong, valuable, or not valuable, based on what I see according to me and my values and peceptions. Then I apply a lack of faith and wahalaa I've got the formula for codependency down pat.

well guess what? what I see is filtered through a dysfunctional reasoning system that is based in fear, emotional fear from past expereinces as a child, emotional fear based on memories that have not been addressed or healed, emotional fear that tells me I am unsafe, others are unsafe, and I must do something (dysfunctional defense system) about it, a bottom line spiritual disconectedness ..........and so goes the merry go round of codependency and codependent thinking and behaviors.

caught in a trap of distrust, lack of faith, and dysfunctional judgement that the way the world works is not going according to the way I "think" it should work.
so that is my problem as I see it.

HHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM wonder where I got that from?

Well I can only blame my parents for the role-modeling for so long......after that I better get up, get busy, and get going to take actions to learn what in the heck "healthy is?"

So this next journaling session is my opinion of what I have learned healthy is based on experience, working the steps, therapy, and alot of reading and internalizing the solutions in my own life....and mostly by eliminating what healthy "isn't" in my own life. Yeah the process of elimination took close to 35 years of practicing what "healthy isn't" and I have only been in recovery from codependency for 5 solid continuous years.......so I am certainly no expert and can readily admit - that although I know these things intellectually - I most certainly fall short of practicing them behaviorally and effectively all the time. I am still a work in progress too.


Healthy people do not interfere with other peoples learning processes.....
they honor them instead including thier mistakes......no matter how screwy they look.

Healthy people do not enable others, cover for them, or try to clean up thier mistakes......they know that no matter what the damage - it is NOT their responsibiltiy to do Anyone elses (inner/outer) work for them.

Healthy people do not "fix" other peoples problems.....they know that by not interfering they are honoring that persons ability to learn how to fix things themselves and clean up thier own life, and by learning that process, they have a better shot at correcting the next mistake they might make.

Healthy people do not proclaim to be the great "healers" of the universe.....they know that if you set people in motion and encourage them....that people can and will heal themselves in thier own time at thier own pace.

Healthy people have healthy internal as well as external boundaries that work to preserve their own emotional and spiritual integrity and well being. Healthy people know where they end and where others begin and they know what IS thier business and what IS not. They know where they can be effective and where they are powerless to make a dent in a situation.

Healthy people know how to tell themselves the truth and detach from an unhealthy situation, person, place, or thing......they don't get caught in the "I can change this person, place or thing" kind of thinking for very long - they recognize fairly quickly the difference between healthy and unhealthy behavior and they walk away and detach - WITHOUT GUILT!

Healthy people - have a sense of self-honor and self-respect and an internal healthy self preservation instinct.....and they don't stoop or lower themselves to other peoples standards. They do not accept abuse from others over the fear of being alone.

They stand firm for what they believe in and value and don't allow others to compromise them, emotionally manipulate them, or cave in for the sake of being accepted, they have enough self-acceptance and self love to not abandon themselves - even when threatened with being abandoned by others. Healthy people will choose to be alone rather than used and abused.

Healthy people do not take responsiblity for other peoples actions and they don't internalize thier personal problems. Healthy people listen with empathy, display understanding, have compassion, make healthy suggestions and then let go of the outcomes and the ultimate results.

Healhty people understand that people learn best by direct experience - and they don't run interferance for others, play referee, or go around fixing the game or the playing field for maximum success. They let others and life itslelf "unfold" at its own pace - as it will.

Healthy people don't go looking for victims to help or fix, they understand that victims quite often perpetuate thier own identities by placeing themselves in unhealthy controlling situations and they effectively exploit themselves through silent permission and self manipulating patterns that they choose to re-enact over and over again. Healthy people stear clear of victims and thier behaviors.

Healthy people avoid codependent relationships and instead seek relationships that are inter-dependent, equal, and grounded in mutual honor and mutual respect.

Healthy people do not confuse pity with love and they recognize that to pity someone and call it love is to dishonor that person and themselves.

Healthy people are honest about who they are, what they do, how they do it, and can readily admit their limitations and weaknesses. They do no use others, or blame others, to detour or detract attention from thier own faults - they own their faults and seek to improve themselves with humility.

Healthy people take responsibility for the choices they make, the mistakes they make, and they own the consequences for those choices and are accountable for the results.......including learning from the lesson and being responsibile for making better choices next time........and that includes recovering from being codependent and making themselves miserable.:5:

Healthy people understand that the best way to help others is to be a role-model of how to help yourself and heal yourself - and they "show" others how they did it, do it, and inspire others to do the same for themselves.

Healthy people understand the value of giving, when it is necessary, when it is from the heart, when "giving" is too much and unhealthy, and where to draw the line in "giving" in order to honor themselves and not enable or dishonor others. Healthy people can recognize that sometimes "giving" can become a way to "quick fix" themselves in order to feel better.

Healthy people can risk being disliked, not accepted, and can stand not belonging if it means they would have to compromise their spiritual principals and the integrity of their character. They choose themselves and thier own integrity first over unhealthy participation in dysfunctional behaviors with others.

Healthy people are willing to do the work and to be alone in order to break unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship patterns because they know they are worth all the hard work it takes - and they again choose thier own highest long term good over short term instant gratification.


Healthy people realize that the most important person they can help is themselves and they learn to help, heal, attempt to resucue themselves first instead of others, and take responsibilty to make thier own healing and thier own growth thier #1 priority......so they can BE a healthy partner and bring HEALTHY BEHAVIORS AND HEALTHY COPING SKILLS - to a relationship with them.

Healthy people will not continually place themselves in dishonorable, dangerous, or dysfunctional situations......they make it a point to learn from those things, and then recognize the warning signs, admit them with truth to themselves, and take responsibitly to get up and out of them as quickly as possible.

Healthy people are not rigid (my way or the highway) - they are flexible and are willing to work on disagreements, walk through fears, have differences of opinion, and are willing to let go of the need to be right in order to enhance thier own growth and choose the "health" of the relationship over the disease of dysfunctional dichotomies.

so those are just a few from my own humble opinion.....

but the most important one is "I must learn to have a healthy relationship with myself first and learn to honor myself and love myself if I hope to have a healthy relationship with someone else". It is impossible to love you in a healthy way - If I don't love "me" in a healthy way.

anyone want to add some things to the list?

I know for me it was/is real helpful to write out what healthy is - because I had to define it before I could pull it out of my thinking in the moment that I needed to apply it to my actions.....and I most certainly have to learn it - before I can attempt to walk it and then live it.

light and love

Gail

[free2bunme]

this is awesome gail, thank you!

Healthy people do not interfere with other peoples learning processes.....
they honor them instead including thier mistakes......no matter how screwy they look.

Healthy people do not enable others, cover for them, or try to clean up thier mistakes......they know that no matter what the damage - it is NOT their responsibiltiy to do Anyone elses (inner/outer) work for them.

Healthy people do not "fix" other peoples problems.....they know that by not interfering they are honoring that persons ability to learn how to fix things themselves and clean up thier own life, and by learning that process, they have a better shot at correcting the next mistake they might make.

Healthy people do not proclaim to be the great "healers" of the universe.....they know that if you set people in motion and encourage them....that people can and will heal themselves in thier own time at thier own pace.

Healthy people have healthy internal as well as external boundaries that work to preserve their own emotional and spiritual integrity and well being. Healthy people know where they end and where others begin and they know what IS thier business and what IS not. They know where they can be effective and where they are powerless to make a dent in a situation.

Healthy people know how to tell themselves the truth and detach from an unhealthy situation, person, place, or thing......they don't get caught in the "I can change this person, place or thing" kind of thinking for very long - they recognize fairly quickly the difference between healthy and unhealthy behavior and they walk away and detach - WITHOUT GUILT!

Healthy people - have a sense of self-honor and self-respect and an internal healthy self preservation instinct.....and they don't stoop or lower themselves to other peoples standards. They do not accept abuse from others over the fear of being alone.

They stand firm for what they believe in and value and don't allow others to compromise them, emotionally manipulate them, or cave in for the sake of being accepted, they have enough self-acceptance and self love to not abandon themselves - even when threatened with being abandoned by others. Healthy people will choose to be alone rather than used and abused.

Healthy people do not take responsiblity for other peoples actions and they don't internalize thier personal problems. Healthy people listen with empathy, display understanding, have compassion, make healthy suggestions and then let go of the outcomes and the ultimate results.

Healhty people understand that people learn best by direct experience - and they don't run interferance for others, play referee, or go around fixing the game or the playing field for maximum success. They let others and life itslelf "unfold" at its own pace - as it will.

Healthy people don't go looking for victims to help or fix, they understand that victims quite often perpetuate thier own identities by placeing themselves in unhealthy controlling situations and they effectively exploit themselves through silent permission and self manipulating patterns that they choose to re-enact over and over again. Healthy people stear clear of victims and thier behaviors.

Healthy people avoid codependent relationships and instead seek relationships that are inter-dependent, equal, and grounded in mutual honor and mutual respect.

Healthy people do not confuse pity with love and they recognize that to pity someone and call it love is to dishonor that person and themselves.

Healthy people are honest about who they are, what they do, how they do it, and can readily admit their limitations and weaknesses. They do no use others, or blame others, to detour or detract attention from thier own faults - they own their faults and seek to improve themselves with humility.

Healthy people take responsibility for the choices they make, the mistakes they make, and they own the consequences for those choices and are accountable for the results.......including learning from the lesson and being responsibile for making better choices next time........and that includes recovering from being codependent and making themselves miserable.

Healthy people understand that the best way to help others is to be a role-model of how to help yourself and heal yourself - and they "show" others how they did it, do it, and inspire others to do the same for themselves.

Healthy people understand the value of giving, when it is necessary, when it is from the heart, when "giving" is too much and unhealthy, and where to draw the line in "giving" in order to honor themselves and not enable or dishonor others. Healthy people can recognize that sometimes "giving" can become a way to "quick fix" themselves in order to feel better.

Healthy people can risk being disliked, not accepted, and can stand not belonging if it means they would have to compromise their spiritual principals and the integrity of their character. They choose themselves and thier own integrity first over unhealthy participation in dysfunctional behaviors with others.

Healthy people are willing to do the work and to be alone in order to break unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship patterns because they know they are worth all the hard work it takes - and they again choose thier own highest long term good over short term instant gratification.


Healthy people realize that the most important person they can help is themselves and they learn to help, heal, attempt to resucue themselves first instead of others, and take responsibilty to make thier own healing and thier own growth thier #1 priority......so they can BE a healthy partner and bring HEALTHY BEHAVIORS AND HEALTHY COPING SKILLS - to a relationship with them.

Healthy people will not continually place themselves in dishonorable, dangerous, or dysfunctional situations......they make it a point to learn from those things, and then recognize the warning signs, admit them with truth to themselves, and take responsibitly to get up and out of them as quickly as possible.

Healthy people are not rigid (my way or the highway) - they are flexible and are willing to work on disagreements, walk through fears, have differences of opinion, and are willing to let go of the need to be right in order to enhance thier own growth and choose the "health" of the relationship over the disease of dysfunctional dichotomies.

so those are just a few from my own humble opinion.....

but the most important one is "I must learn to have a healthy relationship with myself first and learn to honor myself and love myself if I hope to have a healthy relationship with someone else". It is impossible to love you in a healthy way - If I don't love "me" in a healthy way.

[McDaniel N.]

THANK YOU: I TOO have been ? This type of Problem too.My relationship that we are legally separated.Dont know if my wife made excuse that my drinking was problem?What you wrote was like the feeling if maybe co-dependance zig-zag.Sometimes was my problem then switch to her being the problem? But I know I had DRINKING PROBLEM;I`M ALCOHOLIC.Sometime in the 15 year of marriage at sometime;that insecurity,fear rubs on to me from my wife.Then it become my fault.Again thank you for sharing this very helpful:17: