teejay
10-21-2007, 07:55 AM
I am a new drinker. I had never taken a drink before 25. Just one day, and I remember it very vividly, my roomate who was a bartender had moved out due to his own relationship drama, and I looked over in a state of personal duress over something stupid like a guy and saw his 15+ bottles sitting on the bar in our old house and I got one. All downhill from there.
Most of my dark nights in my beautiful apartment in my college town that I had worked so hard to get remain a secret. I don't remember some. I didn't realize I was losing time until I woke up one morning and all the furniture in my living room was overturned. My father handmade all that. I got scared and poured it all out. I went to work and had a sit down with my bosses, who loved me and I had worked for for many years, and told them I needed some healing time and I needed to go home (to my parents). They agreed to hold my job until I got myself together. So I made a call to my parents.
I ended up going home from college, giving up my beautiful apartment I had. I left without a word to anyone except my wonderful roommate and an ex who had a worse addiction than me. Now, my parents are beautiful wonderful people who don't drink and don't condone it. They are religious, clean, hard working, and beautiful. I moved into the garage apartment to "rest", and for a few weeks it was fine. I played video games, talked to friends... but I couldn't control it, even there.
I am a talented graphic and motion artist so I was earning decent money freelancing and it fed the addiction. I would be sober enough to finish something and then, go get bottles. I would hide them under my bed until my very aged parents (60+) went to sleep, and I would drink. I wouldn't remember things. I remember my dad, a decorated officer in the military, asking why one of his very very prestigious framed awards was shattered one morning. It was a big mystery, but I knew.
I don't know what happened after a few months, but they figured it out. I woke up and my wallet was gone. They hid it. I walked out and said, yes, it's true. I have low self esteem due to a lot of things that they were aware of and.. I messed up. I was forgiven, they're my parents. I did fine for a while. BUt not long, I just got better at concealing it.
I had a decent amonut of money built up at this point, amazing for a raving alcoholic. I had been talking to a guy from California, and he offered me to come stay with him. We had been talking a long time, so I said, screw it. I threw my stuff in the car and left. I came to Cali and was really happy... for a while.
It's been 1.5 years now I've been here with my wonderful Cali-guy... but... I drink. More than ever. I think about.. what hurts me??
1. My body... I hate it. For some background.. I was fat... I had 2 huge surgeries that left vicious scars on me, made me lose 75% of my wieght, but I really (I am tearing up) feel too ugly to be in this world. My mother was a beauty queen in her day... it's very hard.
2. Finances hurt. He doesn't work. I love him, together we are a powerful dynamic force.. but money keeps us alive. I am ruining my credit to support someone who can't work. But I can't get mad. I had every opportunity in the world.. he had none. I can make what I make, he can't. I just need some support. I need someone to say, I'll do this to make some money because it will help on the grocery bill. I love him, but it's so hard to support someone else.
I know I have abused him.. gotten so mad in my drinking that I yell at him... so much that the neighbors hear. I don't want him to hate me. He came from alcoholism. I don't want him to have to deal with this over and over. He knew the scars and the details of me before he asked me to come... I should have said how I dealt with them.
What should I do? He demands I stop drinking or I get help, because he's stick of the abuse and rightly so. What should I do? I work 10-13 hour days over an hour from home. I am gome from 7 to 8 or 9. I don't have time for meetings or... anything.
Help me.:9:
Most of my dark nights in my beautiful apartment in my college town that I had worked so hard to get remain a secret. I don't remember some. I didn't realize I was losing time until I woke up one morning and all the furniture in my living room was overturned. My father handmade all that. I got scared and poured it all out. I went to work and had a sit down with my bosses, who loved me and I had worked for for many years, and told them I needed some healing time and I needed to go home (to my parents). They agreed to hold my job until I got myself together. So I made a call to my parents.
I ended up going home from college, giving up my beautiful apartment I had. I left without a word to anyone except my wonderful roommate and an ex who had a worse addiction than me. Now, my parents are beautiful wonderful people who don't drink and don't condone it. They are religious, clean, hard working, and beautiful. I moved into the garage apartment to "rest", and for a few weeks it was fine. I played video games, talked to friends... but I couldn't control it, even there.
I am a talented graphic and motion artist so I was earning decent money freelancing and it fed the addiction. I would be sober enough to finish something and then, go get bottles. I would hide them under my bed until my very aged parents (60+) went to sleep, and I would drink. I wouldn't remember things. I remember my dad, a decorated officer in the military, asking why one of his very very prestigious framed awards was shattered one morning. It was a big mystery, but I knew.
I don't know what happened after a few months, but they figured it out. I woke up and my wallet was gone. They hid it. I walked out and said, yes, it's true. I have low self esteem due to a lot of things that they were aware of and.. I messed up. I was forgiven, they're my parents. I did fine for a while. BUt not long, I just got better at concealing it.
I had a decent amonut of money built up at this point, amazing for a raving alcoholic. I had been talking to a guy from California, and he offered me to come stay with him. We had been talking a long time, so I said, screw it. I threw my stuff in the car and left. I came to Cali and was really happy... for a while.
It's been 1.5 years now I've been here with my wonderful Cali-guy... but... I drink. More than ever. I think about.. what hurts me??
1. My body... I hate it. For some background.. I was fat... I had 2 huge surgeries that left vicious scars on me, made me lose 75% of my wieght, but I really (I am tearing up) feel too ugly to be in this world. My mother was a beauty queen in her day... it's very hard.
2. Finances hurt. He doesn't work. I love him, together we are a powerful dynamic force.. but money keeps us alive. I am ruining my credit to support someone who can't work. But I can't get mad. I had every opportunity in the world.. he had none. I can make what I make, he can't. I just need some support. I need someone to say, I'll do this to make some money because it will help on the grocery bill. I love him, but it's so hard to support someone else.
I know I have abused him.. gotten so mad in my drinking that I yell at him... so much that the neighbors hear. I don't want him to hate me. He came from alcoholism. I don't want him to have to deal with this over and over. He knew the scars and the details of me before he asked me to come... I should have said how I dealt with them.
What should I do? He demands I stop drinking or I get help, because he's stick of the abuse and rightly so. What should I do? I work 10-13 hour days over an hour from home. I am gome from 7 to 8 or 9. I don't have time for meetings or... anything.
Help me.:9: