dalin
10-26-2007, 04:50 PM
"Halloween is just around the corner. I’m all set for Halloween. I got up early this morning and tested the electric fence." -David Letterman
"Good news for the terrorists: Undercover agents posing as passengers were able to get simulated bombs through the screening process here at LAX 75% of the time ... but not one drop of shampoo." -Bill Maher
"Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it." - Laurence J. Peter
"The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it." - Doug Larson
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." - Kurt Vonnegut
"Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?" - James Thurber
"You can't find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well." - Carrie Fisher
"A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body." - Unknown
"For most of history, Anonymous was a woman." - Virginia Woolf
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Life Lessons
Two things are the same no matter where you are - kids and dogs. They just want to eat, sleep and play.
"Always treat everyone a little better than they treat you."
Remember to always say, "I Love You" no matter how hard it is.
Do not gossip....If you weren't there when the person said something, did something, or heard something, then how do you know it happened?
Always look for the good in everybody.
Life is not a free ride.
You become a better son once you've been a father.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A scientist once ran an experiment which he called "processional caterpillars". He lined up caterpillars on the rim of a pot that held a plant so that the lead caterpillar was head to tail with the last caterpillar, with no break with the parade. The tiny creatures walked around the rim of the pot for a full week before they died of exhaustion and starvation. Not once did any of the caterpillars break out of the line and venture over into the plant to eat. Food was only inches away, but the follow the leader instinct was even stronger than the drive to eat and survive!
When we find ourselves in the rut, we do well to ask ourselves these three questions:
1. Is this rut of my own making? We tend to choose a rut because it’s comfortable and requires no risk. To get out of a rut, make new choices.
2. Who am I following? We adopt certain patterns in our lives because someone has taught them to us directly or by example. Make sure you are following good leaders; don't simply follow the crowd.
3. Where am I going? Ruts develop when we lose a sense of vision of our lives... When we are "just traveling" through life and not attempting to arrive at a destination. Goals take you somewhere!
"A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd."
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How To Ace Your Job Interview...
An recent Italian immigrant to New York wanted a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and poops by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when I start?"
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Where To Retire...
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park three blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open the oven door.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighbourhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there, rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The four seasons are: fire, flood, mud, and drought.
You can live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature".
4. You think that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can live in Maine where...
1. You have only four spices: salt, pepper, Ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over Parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can live in the deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "he needed killin'" is a valid defence.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
You could live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $4,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care centre.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the Mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition, "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
AND you can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind....even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:mrgreen:
"Good news for the terrorists: Undercover agents posing as passengers were able to get simulated bombs through the screening process here at LAX 75% of the time ... but not one drop of shampoo." -Bill Maher
"Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it." - Laurence J. Peter
"The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it." - Doug Larson
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." - Kurt Vonnegut
"Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?" - James Thurber
"You can't find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well." - Carrie Fisher
"A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body." - Unknown
"For most of history, Anonymous was a woman." - Virginia Woolf
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Life Lessons
Two things are the same no matter where you are - kids and dogs. They just want to eat, sleep and play.
"Always treat everyone a little better than they treat you."
Remember to always say, "I Love You" no matter how hard it is.
Do not gossip....If you weren't there when the person said something, did something, or heard something, then how do you know it happened?
Always look for the good in everybody.
Life is not a free ride.
You become a better son once you've been a father.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A scientist once ran an experiment which he called "processional caterpillars". He lined up caterpillars on the rim of a pot that held a plant so that the lead caterpillar was head to tail with the last caterpillar, with no break with the parade. The tiny creatures walked around the rim of the pot for a full week before they died of exhaustion and starvation. Not once did any of the caterpillars break out of the line and venture over into the plant to eat. Food was only inches away, but the follow the leader instinct was even stronger than the drive to eat and survive!
When we find ourselves in the rut, we do well to ask ourselves these three questions:
1. Is this rut of my own making? We tend to choose a rut because it’s comfortable and requires no risk. To get out of a rut, make new choices.
2. Who am I following? We adopt certain patterns in our lives because someone has taught them to us directly or by example. Make sure you are following good leaders; don't simply follow the crowd.
3. Where am I going? Ruts develop when we lose a sense of vision of our lives... When we are "just traveling" through life and not attempting to arrive at a destination. Goals take you somewhere!
"A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How To Ace Your Job Interview...
An recent Italian immigrant to New York wanted a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and poops by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when I start?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Where To Retire...
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park three blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open the oven door.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighbourhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there, rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The four seasons are: fire, flood, mud, and drought.
You can live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature".
4. You think that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can live in Maine where...
1. You have only four spices: salt, pepper, Ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over Parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can live in the deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "he needed killin'" is a valid defence.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
You could live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $4,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care centre.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the Mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition, "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
AND you can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind....even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:mrgreen: