Dr. Twerski's Sober Thought

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Quote for 11/3/2007
Suffering Can Bring Us Together - It may be selfish of me, but I cannot agree with a recovering person who said, 'I curse whoever invented these **** drugs!' If it had not been for mind-altering chemicals, how would I ever have met and come to know so many wonderful people? I am an avid reader, so I could have spent all my nonworking time exploring many interesting subjects. While that would have increased my knowledge, it would not have provided the emotional enrichment that comes from sharing with people in recovery . No history, philosophy, or even theology book has the warmth of a sincere hug. The Twelve Step fellowships provide more character development than books and lectures. Nor is the opportunity to give or receive help as readily available as in the fellowships. Coming to these experiences through chemical dependence is quite costly. Yet suffering can bring people together more than anything else. While we may wish we had never encountered the chemicals that have been so injurious, let's not forget that mutual suffering has brought us close to one another.

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Quote for 11/4/2007
Don't Set Yourself Up For a Fall - We learn from relapse. A man with two months' sobriety participated in a family session, and misinterpreted something his wife; said as a rejection. Upon leaving the family session he got drunk. He later stated that after having been sober for the first time in memory, he was certain nothing could make him drink again-so he was surprised at his reaction. This incident demonstrates three important points. First, we often jump to conclusions, distorting other people's intentions. Rather than inquire what they meant, we react to what we think they meant. Second, even if the wife had intended rejection, reacting with drink only intensifies the rejection. Third, the overconfidence that 'nothing could ever make me drink again,' is the undoing of many addicts. Even people with years of quality sobriety are always at risk of relapse and need to be on guard. Learn these three important points so you can avert costly mistakes.

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Quote for 11/5/2007
Don't Let Regrets Ruin Your Tomorrows - The principles of recovery have universal application. A young man who had been a budding vocalist developed a throat problem. But instead of following through with the accepted treatment from a reputable surgeon, he contacted a doctor whose 'miracle treatment' had been described in a magazine. Unfortunately the miracle did not work, and the vocalist remained with a disability that ruined his career. He confided that he had considered suicide several times. While the facts vary, the problem is not an unfamiliar one. A person does something foolish, which has irreversible consequences; and he cannot forgive himself. In one of Charles Schulz's brilliant cartoon strips, Charlie Brown explains that he cannot do anything about the future because he is 'still trying to make yesterday better.' Engaging in a 'pity party,' bemoaning the past, is a cop-out, whereby a person tries to avoid the challenges of the present and the future. Perhaps this young man would have fared better had he become chemically dependent. Then he could benefit from the experience of the many people who have been in the same position. Instead of forever condemning themselves for what they did, these people have accepted the reality of what cannot be undone, risen above it, and gone on to live constructive lives.

[admin]

Quote for 11/6/2007
Dr. Bob - Keeping it simple can be meaningful. After delivering a lecture in Akron, Ohio, I visited Mt. Vernon, the home of Dr. Bob, founder of AA. While I was not moved by visiting Mt. Vernon, I did have an emotional experience walking into Dr. Bob's home. Some people cry. Dr. Bob's home is a simple place, with only a few of his belongings remaining. Perhaps the only impressive things here are the clever hiding places where Dr. Bob concealed his bottles. The man who greeted us at the door said, 'Welcome home.' Very few of the visitors to Dr. Bob's home live near Akron, yet this simple house where it all began is a home, a haven for all who were lost, tossed about in the deadly, stormy sea of addiction. The grandeur of Louis XIV at Versailles is certainly more impressive, but you do not get a lump in your throat, as when you enter this very simple home.

[admin]

Quote for 11/7/2007
The Lessons of Sobriety - The lessons of sobriety have wide application. A concise statement of the philosophy of recovery is: Short-term gain with long-term risk is addictive behavior; short-term sacrifice with long-term gain is sobriety. Notice that this rule does not mention alcohol or any other chemical. Suppose you are provoked by someone and react with fury. Invariably you later regret your behavior, and the immediate discharge of anger results in a prolonged period of painful regret. Perhaps you are overcome by an urge to buy something you cannot afford, and are then burdened with long-term indebtedness. Or you binge on sweets and then spend days trying to get rid of the weight that took just moments to acquire. If we could feed data into a computer and print out a message that said, 'Caution! This is a short-term gain and long-term loss,' we might avoid much destructive behavior. In absence of such a device, we have recourse to sponsors, whom we should use wisely.

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Quote for 11/8/2007
Does Society Need Recovery? - We can learn much from the recovery program. Just as addicts rationalize their chemical use, so our society rationalizes its destructive behavior. What can we say about a society that systematically poisons the air it breathes, pollutes its water, contaminates its soil with toxic materials, and sprays cancer-causing pesticides on its fruits and vegetables? Yet the industries that profit from these destructive acts have rationalized their actions as beneficial to humankind. We raze our forests, strip-mine our soil, extirpate many species of animals, and fill the sky with chemicals that threaten to convert our world into an uninhabitable hot-house-all so that people can have a 'better' life. Intelligent people inhale smoke that causes cancer and emphysema, and the same government that condemns cigarettes as a leading cause of death gives bountiful subsidies to tobacco growers. Addiction sacrifices the future for short-term gain. Our society should learn the lessons of recovery .

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Quote for 11/9/2007
The Seduction of Power - Power can be seductive. A prominent attorney addressed a freshman class of law students, saying, ' After sixteen years of sobriety , I know that nothing in the world can give me the sense of power that I crave the way alcohol can.' The theme of power is addressed in the first of the Twelve Steps. This man recognized his desire for power and that alcohol could give him this feeling. Reality painfully proved to him how treacherous alcohol is that while it promises power it delivers the reverse, totally crushing him and exposing his powerlessness to the world. The attorney further recognized that alcohol remains seductive, and that the continuing promise of power can obliterate the inevitable powerlessness. As I listened, I could not help but wonder how many of the students thought, 'That may be true for him, but I am different. I can have the feeling of power without becoming powerless.' How many of these young people will refuse to recognize their impotence until they are humbled by addiction? Whoever said that alcohol was cunning, baffling, and powerful certainly knew what he was talking about.

[admin]

Quote for 11/10/2007
Preventing Addiction - Could the Twelve Steps be effective in preventing addiction? School programs on prevention might adopt some of the Twelve Step principles. When children learn about the marvelous advances and science and technology, and are deeply impressed with the enormous power that humans now possess, it would be helpful to temper such teachings with an awareness that humans are still virtually powerless. As youngsters learn about the many ways in which they can control things, educators should point out that there remain some things beyond human control-such as other human beings. Teaching these aspects of powerlessness in the school could have beneficial effects. At home, when youngsters discuss with their parents what they have learned, they can all share their ideas about powerlessness. The parents may even come to realize that ultimately they do not have control or power over their children. At both home and at school, there would be greater emphasis on self-mastery, rather than trying to master and control everything and everyone else in the environment. This may well reduce the use of chemicals among young people.

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Quote for 11/11/2007
A 'Let Down” or the Next Step? - A six-month alumnus of our treatment center recently complained that, although he was not drinking and things were much better both at home and at work, he nevertheless was experiencing a letdown. During the first phase of sobriety, we can do little more than get through the day without a chemical. Habits must change and patterns of behavior that involve chemical use must be replaced with behavior conducive to abstinence. These are major changes and they are a full-time job. Only after the new life-style is stabilized can we take the next step in recovery. During active addiction there is no chance for character building. The drive to relieve tension or for the euphoria a chemical brings supersedes all else. But with the beginning of recovery and stabilization of an abstinent life-style, the character building can begin. Rebuilding your character is at least as great a challenge as rebuilding a burned house, but the results can be even more rewarding. When a house is afire, the flames must first be extinguished, then the charred material must be removed, and only then can we begin to rebuild. The letdown this man was experiencing is similar to the challenge of building a new structure after the ruins of the old have been cleared.

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Quote for 11/12/2007
There is Nothing Wrong With Asking for Help - Giving help is easier than accepting it. A recovering woman confided to a friend that she had slept in an unheated apartment during a cold spell because the furnace repair service was backlogged several days. When friends told her that she would have been welcome in their home, she said, ''I didn't want to impose on anyone.' I called this woman and expressed my regret that I would no longer ask her to help newcomers. 'Please do,' she said. 'I am more than glad to help.' I explained to her that if she was unwilling to accept help, she had no right to give it. Perhaps asking for help is humbling, but in recovery we must learn humility. While we must avoid pathologic dependency, there are some healthy dependencies. Polonius’s famous advice was 'Neither a borrower nor a lender be.' When it comes to legitimate help, we can be both giver and recipient.

[admin]

Quote for 11/13/2007
Recovery is a Dynamic Process - Every bit of spiritual growth enhances recovery. When I mentioned to someone that I was compiling messages for a daily inspirational book, he said,' 'Those are not of much value. The only people who read them are already in recovery. That's like preaching to the choir.' This is a short-sighted view of recovery. The Tenth Step requires an ongoing personal inventory, which should continue indefinitely. We are at all times vulnerable to a recurrence of character defects that we have eliminated, or even to an emergence of some new ones. The more attention we give to issues of spirituality and character, the more likely we are to identify these defects and eliminate them. Recovery is not a static phenomenon, and sobriety is not a steady state. Both are growth processes. While we do not claim spiritual perfection, we do aspire to spiritual progress, and reminders of spiritual concepts are always relevant.

[janbear]

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Quote for 11/14/2007
Avoid the Superficial - Outward appearances may be impressive, but they are not an indication of value. We are often impressed by what we see, and we may be envious of others. How surprised we would be to discover that those we envy may be envious of us! We are often dissatisfied by our lot in life because we compare ourselves to others. It has been said that if everyone's life were put in a see-through container, and we had the freedom to choose, we would all choose our own life. Roses are certainly prettier than cabbages and much more fragrant, but cabbages make far better soup. If all we want is color and fragrance, we should go for the roses. But then we must be ready to accept pretty, sweet-smelling starvation. The real values in life lie in substance and content, not in appearances.

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Quote for 11/15/2007
Prayer and Humility - Prayer means different things to different people. A person with six years of sobriety, who was militantly anti-religious, related his anger when his sponsor told him to pray for sobriety. 'I don't believe in God,' he said, 'and there is no one for me to pray to.' 'You don't have to pray to anyone,' he was told. 'Just get down on your knees and pray.' 'It seemed like the most stupid thing I ever did,' he recounted. 'I got down on my knees and prayed, even though I did not pray to anyone, and I continued doing this even though I absolutely did not believe in God. I was so desperate to get over my alcoholism that I was willing to do as I was told even though it appeared ridiculous. 'One day I made a discovery. Getting down on my knees was not an admission that there was a God, but a powerful way of my admitting that I was not God. It was a humbling maneuver, and that was what I needed. 'My alcoholic behavior was fueled by my grandiosity that I could control everything. I still am an atheist, but one thing I know for certain is that I am not God. I am a person who needs help to survive and I will accept help. That is something I could never do before.'

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Quote for 11/16/2007
Some Lessons Must Be Overcome - There is a folk saying, 'Someone who burns his tongue on hot soup will blow on cold soup.' Small children will avoid touching a cold stove if they were burned by touching the stove when it was hot. Although understandable, this response is inappropriate, because we react to a non-threat as though it were a threat. Some people have an increased sensitivity to treat new situations on the basis of previous experiences. They may relate that they are afraid of trying a new relationship because of the pain of a previous rejection. While they crave companionship, they are afraid of it. For these people, it is not better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. When such reactions occur, it is important to recognize them and overcome them. The situation may contribute to chemical addiction, but even in the absence of chemical use, the result may be withdrawal, loneliness, or depression.

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Quote for 11/17/2007
What We Gain From Addiction - Addiction conveys important teachings. A philosopher who recovered from chemical addiction once explained that the mistakes of addiction enhance the quest for spirituality: 'Our resentments can teach us where to be forgiving; our lonely self-centeredness can teach us where to be loving; our fear can teach us when to trust; our hopelessness can teach us the necessity of the risk of hope. The barrier of our own self-will will teach us what to give up; the consequences of our self-will will teach us why to give up; the self-contradiction of our self-will will teach us how to give up.' Following the recovery program for sobriety constitutes growth, and this is never boring. We are always learning something new, and novelty can be exciting. Pursuing the goals of recovery makes recovery a fascinating process.

[admin]

Quote for 11/18/2007
Our Image Obsession - Undue emphasis on external appearance causes problems. Our culture is obsessed with external appearances. If we were to add up all the money spent by both men and women on cosmetics, hair styling, wigs and toupees, plastic surgery, and the other things that affect our appearance, the total would probably exceed the Pentagon budget. People who feel they are not attractive think that they cannot compete for affection or recognition. People who do feel attractive are apt to think that appearance is all they have to offer. Either way, they lose. It is important that we do not get carried away by our ornamental value. Rather, we need to think of our internal value, of our importance as a human being. It is not what we look like, but who and what we are. These are the issues that belong to the realm of spirituality. Recovery from chemical addiction requires attention to spiritual growth. As defined in my book I'd Like to Call for Help, But I Don't Know the Number, spirituality refers to the full development of our human capacities. These capacities include almost everything other than external appearance.

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Quote for 11/19/2007
Keeping Life in Perspective - Not all unpleasantness can be easily dismissed. Someone offered a two-step guide to living: 'Don't sweat the small stuff. It's all small stuff.' This is not quite correct. It's not small stuff when you are fired from your job, your child gets hurt, your car is repossessed, you lose someone you love, or you discover that your child is on drugs. These are mighty big issues. Even real small stuff, like a cinder in the eye, cannot be dismissed lightly. It may be a tiny particle, but in your eye it feels plenty big. A better guide is, 'You may not be able to stop the birds of sadness from flying over your head, but you don't have to let them nest in your hair.'Whether it is big stuff or small stuff, we must realize that we have the capacity to cope and adjust.

[admin]

Quote for 11/20/2007
We Can Always Use a Lift - People have told me that the message they heard one day (on the Dial-A-Sober-Thought telephone service) was exactly what they needed that particular day. I began to wonder, is this all providential, or could there be some other reason? Gradually I realized that whatever authentic message we hear about recovery or spirituality is going to meet our needs for that day-or for that matter, any day. Recovery is somewhat analogous to active addiction. A young man tried to be a controlled drinker, and gave his wife the keys to the liquor cabinet, saying, 'You give me a drink only when I need it.' The wife asked, 'How am I supposed to know when you need it?' 'No problem,' he said. 'Whenever you give it to me, I need it.' What is true of chemicals for the active addict is true of recovery material for the recovering person. There is always a need for a message that enhances self-esteem, helps shed resentments, or increases spirituality . Therefore, when you take hold of the program, much more comes along. Therefore, any thought about recovery can have a great effect.

[admin]

Quote for 11/21/2007
Is Addiction Insanity? - Why do AA and NA refer to addiction as insanity? After chemical use, we often behave destructively toward ourselves and others; and the aftermath is invariably misery, both physical and emotional. We frequently say, 'Never again,' yet the pattern recurs. Is this anything other than insane? It is important to conceptualize addiction as insanity. If we know that we are prone to episodes of insanity, we will make a maximum effort to prevent such episodes. We cannot rely on using good judgment when such an episode recurs; in a state of insanity , we do not have good judgment to use. How absurd to say, 'Next time I go insane, 1'11 avoid doing anything irrational.' Some physical diseases can be prevented by immunization or medication. Relapse of addiction is prevented by remaining involved in the recovery program. Delaying your program participation until you have relapsed is foolish.

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Quote for 11/22/2007
Character Growth and Sobriety - There is much research underway into brain activity. It is possible that scientists will soon discover the mechanism for our craving for chemicals. They may also develop the medications to eliminate this craving. Will there then no longer be a need for attending AA or NA meetings? Let us look at the 'dry drunk' syndrome: a person who has not had a chemical for years and does not crave, but is anything but emotionally well adjusted, manifesting all behavioral symptoms of the active addict except for using or craving. The latter are only two of the symptoms of addiction. If medical science finds an effective way to prevent intoxication, we may think we no longer have a problem, and will not seek help from a recovery program. If the research is successful, we may indeed have fewer instances of drunk driving and disorderly conduct. But we may well have many more dry drunks, or people who think they are perfectly healthy. The character defects of addiction can exist in abstinence of chemical use. Thus, the recovery program is necessary to enable us to make a better adjustment to life. Even with abstinence, we should continue the recovery program to ensure our character development and spiritual growth.

[admin]

Quote for 11/23/2007
You Can't Control the Future - What place does planning for the future have in recovery? Someone said: 'We shall surely suffer if we cast the whole idea of planning for tomorrow into a fastidious idea of providence. God's real providence has endowed us human beings with a considerable capability for foresight, and He evidently expects us to use it. Of course, we may often miscalculate the future in whole or in part, but that is better than to refuse to think at all.' Is it possible that the originator of this thought never heard of 'one day at a time'? This is a quote from Bill Wilson, who had a better grasp of the program than most people do. Failure to plan for the future is irresponsible, but there is a difference between planning for the future and trying to control the future. In active addiction we ignore the future, with an 'I don't give a **** ' attitude. In sobriety, we do whatever we can to the best of our ability, and then turn things over to a Higher Power.

[admin]

Quote for 11/24/2007
No One Owes Us Anything - Is feeling hurt always a 'pity party'? Feeling sorry for ourselves may be justified. The point is that we should not get stuck in a 'pity party' because, like quicksand, it can drag us down. No matter how bad things may be, failure to end a 'pity party' will only make bad things worse. We may think, 'The world has been unkind to me. It now must compensate me for my suffering.' We may then wait for good luck to come knocking at the door, and be very angry at the world for not delivering what we think we deserve. No one owes you anything. If your home was blown away by a tornado, that is no one's fault. Fortunately, many people pitch in during times of misfortune, but they don't owe it to you. If they don't fulfill your expectations, you have no right to be resentful. Feeling hurt is understandable, but we must move on in life.

[admin]

Quote for 11/25/2007
Futile Gestures - Recovery teaches us to avoid futile reactions. When I was taking driving lessons, the car in front of me abruptly stopped, and I screamed. The instructor, who was able to maintain calm under stress, said softly, 'If you think screaming will stop this car, go right ahead. My suggestion is that you apply the brakes.' I think of his words often. What good could my screaming have done? Had I relied on screaming, I would have hit the car, possibly injuring myself and others. As a learning driver, I had not yet adopted the correct response of applying the brakes. This is similar to taking a chemical in response to stress. It is not only futile but, if we allow it to substitute for the correct reaction, will bring negative consequences-similar to my screaming in order to stop the car. Recovering people have learned to avoid useless reflex responses, and to do whatever it takes to get the job done. This is why the most efficient physicians, nurses, attorneys, laborers, and homemakers often are recovering persons. As we dispense with futile attempts to solve problems by chemicals, we also discard other ineffective responses.

[admin]

Quote for 11/26/2007
The Power of Empathy - Good manners can make liars out of us. It is rude not to say, 'How are you?' upon meeting someone. We therefore ask the question, but we certainly do not wish to hear the answer. When I meet a person in recovery who says, 'How are you?' I may say, 'If you have a few minutes, I'll tell you.' Without exception, that person makes some time for me-not by an appointment two weeks later but right there and then, when I need it most. Does anyone know where else such instant service is available, and with such sincere interest? People who wish to relieve themselves of an emotional burden often will engage the services of a professional. They pay to have someone listen empathetically. In the recovery program we get this service free. Well, not completely free, because we have to return the favor. How wonderful to have a psychological barter system.

[admin]

Quote for 11/27/2007
Make a Gift to God - Helping others is important to maintaining sobriety. At a recent meeting, the speaker told of the miracle of his recovery. Some of his friends had died in addiction, and he saw his survival as a gift from God. He said, 'My sobriety is God's gift to me, and when I work with newcomers, that is my gift to God. I hope that God appreciates my gift as much as I appreciate His gift to me.' Does it make any sense to give anything to God? Since He is master of the entire universe, what need could He possibly have of any gift from us? This may sound simplistic, but we do refer to God as our heavenly Father. We can understand that an affluent father, who can get anything he wants, will still be thrilled by a gift he receives from his child; it will mean more to him than if he had bought the item himself. Why can't we think of God as being pleased with what we do for Him and enjoying the gifts of His children? Furthermore, the importance of giving something to God is the effect it has upon us-an expression of gratitude and an indication of how much we value our sobriety.

[admin]

Quote for 11/28/2007
You Cannot Force a First Step - Patience is a great virtue. As a result of better awareness, outreach, and employee assistance programs, many more young people are coming to receive help for chemical problems than in the past. Years ago, people came for help when they hit rock bottom. The person was then ready for help, willing to surrender, fully aware that life had become unmanageable. Today's young people may not have experienced the consequences of more advanced addiction, and the idea of surrender is alien to them. They are likely to insist that they can still drink or use chemicals recreationally. People familiar with addiction understand this attitude. If we try to force a First Step upon these young people with the insistence that they admit unmanageability , we are likely to get nothing but fierce resistance. The realization that 'half measures avail us nothing,' can come only from experience. We can say, 'I know exactly how you feel. That is exactly the way I felt in my early days, fully convinced that I knew what was best for me.' Be just a bit more patient and allow the individual to come to his or her own realization about unmanageability. This is more likely to keep the young person coming back to meetings. In this way, denial is likely to erode and acceptance likely to occur.

[admin]

Quote for 11/29/2007
Can You Become a New Person? - Twenty years ago, a speaker began his talk by saying, 'The man I was drank; the man I was will drink again.' Abstinence from chemicals without a change in character leads to use of chemicals again. Some people express the anxiety that sobriety will result in a new personality. 'What is this new personality going to be like? How will I adjust to being a new person? How will my spouse adjust to this new person?' Observing successful recoveries in AA or NA, Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, can provide reassurance. A miraculous transformation occurs when a lowly caterpillar spins a cocoon and later a graceful butterfly emerges. The transformation of a chemically dependent person into a sober person is no less miraculous. I recently had the pleasure of attending the fortieth anniversary of sobriety for the speaker mentioned above. He indeed has undergone a miraculous transformation.

[admin]

Quote for 11/30/2007
Real Change Requires Real Change - At one meeting, a young woman who was ten days abstinent stated that she dreaded the thought of relapse. Her last ten days had been 'super.' However, she was under constant pressure to drink because there is drinking at her job, her friends drink, and there is drinking at all social functions. She did not want to give any of these up. This young woman did not have her priorities in order. We who say that you must change 'people, places, and things' are not being sadistic. We are simply conveying the accumulated experience that, if you do not eliminate the factors that are conducive to drinking, your risk of relapse is great. We make sacrifices when we realize that life is at stake. If you are reluctant to make changes to avoid a relapse, it is only because you have not realized how lethal addiction is. We must learn to put first things first.

[admin]

Quote for 12/1/2007
Your Success Sets An Example - In recovery, just being sober can help others. A woman said that she had been avoiding an AA meeting because the practice was to give your sobriety date each time you are introduced. With sixteen years of sobriety , she felt she was boasting. On second thought, she realized that perhaps it was good for newcomers to see people with such long sobriety. Participation in the program is a two-way street: we give and we take. If we do not feel in need of a meeting, we should remember that our presence is evidence that there is life after sobriety. People have told me that the reason they hadn't tried to stop drinking or using chemicals is because they were afraid they couldn't do it. They chose not to try rather than to try and fail. Each time a newcomer sees someone with long sobriety , it reinforces the fact that it can be done. Most often any kind of contribution requires some action; just being somewhere does hardly any good. But this is not so when we go to a meeting. The very presence of another sober person conveys a helpful message.

[admin]

Quote for 12/2/2007
No Apologies - A quality recovery requires changed habits. I once interviewed a woman who began crying as she related some painful material, and then she said, 'I'm so sorry.' 'Sorry for what?' I asked. 'I'm sorry for crying,' she said. I did not understand why she was apologizing for crying, because it is reasonable to cry when one is in pain. 'I always apologize for everything I do,' she said. I advised the woman that this was an unhealthy habit. Apologies are appropriate only if we have offended someone. There is no need to efface oneself by apologizing for everything. This self-effacement is invariably the result of a low self-esteem, which should be corrected. Upon leaving the office and seeing another patient in the waiting room, she immediately said, 'I'm sorry for taking so much of the doctor's time.' This was less than two minutes after she was instructed to stop apologizing. Apologizing had become a reflex action for her. Many of our habitual behaviors are negative and should be changed. If we are not aware of them, our sponsors and trusted friends can point them out to us.

[admin]

Quote for 12/3/2007
Suffering Can Bring Us Together - It may be selfish of me, but I cannot agree with a recovering person who said, 'I curse whoever invented these **** drugs!' If it had not been for mind-altering chemicals, how would I ever have met and come to know so many wonderful people? I am an avid reader, so I could have spent all my nonworking time exploring many interesting subjects. While that would have increased my knowledge, it would not have provided the emotional enrichment that comes from sharing with people in recovery . No history, philosophy, or even theology book has the warmth of a sincere hug. The Twelve Step fellowships provide more character development than books and lectures. Nor is the opportunity to give or receive help as readily available as in the fellowships. Coming to these experiences through chemical dependence is quite costly. Yet suffering can bring people together more than anything else. While we may wish we had never encountered the chemicals that have been so injurious, let's not forget that mutual suffering has brought us close to one another.

[admin]

Quote for 12/4/2007
Don't Set Yourself Up For a Fall - We learn from relapse. A man with two months' sobriety participated in a family session, and misinterpreted something his wife; said as a rejection. Upon leaving the family session he got drunk. He later stated that after having been sober for the first time in memory, he was certain nothing could make him drink again-so he was surprised at his reaction. This incident demonstrates three important points. First, we often jump to conclusions, distorting other people's intentions. Rather than inquire what they meant, we react to what we think they meant. Second, even if the wife had intended rejection, reacting with drink only intensifies the rejection. Third, the overconfidence that 'nothing could ever make me drink again,' is the undoing of many addicts. Even people with years of quality sobriety are always at risk of relapse and need to be on guard. Learn these three important points so you can avert costly mistakes.

[admin]

Quote for 12/5/2007
Don't Let Regrets Ruin Your Tomorrows - The principles of recovery have universal application. A young man who had been a budding vocalist developed a throat problem. But instead of following through with the accepted treatment from a reputable surgeon, he contacted a doctor whose 'miracle treatment' had been described in a magazine. Unfortunately the miracle did not work, and the vocalist remained with a disability that ruined his career. He confided that he had considered suicide several times. While the facts vary, the problem is not an unfamiliar one. A person does something foolish, which has irreversible consequences; and he cannot forgive himself. In one of Charles Schulz's brilliant cartoon strips, Charlie Brown explains that he cannot do anything about the future because he is 'still trying to make yesterday better.' Engaging in a 'pity party,' bemoaning the past, is a cop-out, whereby a person tries to avoid the challenges of the present and the future. Perhaps this young man would have fared better had he become chemically dependent. Then he could benefit from the experience of the many people who have been in the same position. Instead of forever condemning themselves for what they did, these people have accepted the reality of what cannot be undone, risen above it, and gone on to live constructive lives.

[admin]

Quote for 12/6/2007
Dr. Bob - Keeping it simple can be meaningful. After delivering a lecture in Akron, Ohio, I visited Mt. Vernon, the home of Dr. Bob, founder of AA. While I was not moved by visiting Mt. Vernon, I did have an emotional experience walking into Dr. Bob's home. Some people cry. Dr. Bob's home is a simple place, with only a few of his belongings remaining. Perhaps the only impressive things here are the clever hiding places where Dr. Bob concealed his bottles. The man who greeted us at the door said, 'Welcome home.' Very few of the visitors to Dr. Bob's home live near Akron, yet this simple house where it all began is a home, a haven for all who were lost, tossed about in the deadly, stormy sea of addiction. The grandeur of Louis XIV at Versailles is certainly more impressive, but you do not get a lump in your throat, as when you enter this very simple home.

[admin]

Quote for 12/7/2007
The Lessons of Sobriety - The lessons of sobriety have wide application. A concise statement of the philosophy of recovery is: Short-term gain with long-term risk is addictive behavior; short-term sacrifice with long-term gain is sobriety. Notice that this rule does not mention alcohol or any other chemical. Suppose you are provoked by someone and react with fury. Invariably you later regret your behavior, and the immediate discharge of anger results in a prolonged period of painful regret. Perhaps you are overcome by an urge to buy something you cannot afford, and are then burdened with long-term indebtedness. Or you binge on sweets and then spend days trying to get rid of the weight that took just moments to acquire. If we could feed data into a computer and print out a message that said, 'Caution! This is a short-term gain and long-term loss,' we might avoid much destructive behavior. In absence of such a device, we have recourse to sponsors, whom we should use wisely.

[admin]

Quote for 12/8/2007
Does Society Need Recovery? - We can learn much from the recovery program. Just as addicts rationalize their chemical use, so our society rationalizes its destructive behavior. What can we say about a society that systematically poisons the air it breathes, pollutes its water, contaminates its soil with toxic materials, and sprays cancer-causing pesticides on its fruits and vegetables? Yet the industries that profit from these destructive acts have rationalized their actions as beneficial to humankind. We raze our forests, strip-mine our soil, extirpate many species of animals, and fill the sky with chemicals that threaten to convert our world into an uninhabitable hot-house-all so that people can have a 'better' life. Intelligent people inhale smoke that causes cancer and emphysema, and the same government that condemns cigarettes as a leading cause of death gives bountiful subsidies to tobacco growers. Addiction sacrifices the future for short-term gain. Our society should learn the lessons of recovery .

[admin]

Quote for 12/9/2007
The Seduction of Power - Power can be seductive. A prominent attorney addressed a freshman class of law students, saying, ' After sixteen years of sobriety , I know that nothing in the world can give me the sense of power that I crave the way alcohol can.' The theme of power is addressed in the first of the Twelve Steps. This man recognized his desire for power and that alcohol could give him this feeling. Reality painfully proved to him how treacherous alcohol is that while it promises power it delivers the reverse, totally crushing him and exposing his powerlessness to the world. The attorney further recognized that alcohol remains seductive, and that the continuing promise of power can obliterate the inevitable powerlessness. As I listened, I could not help but wonder how many of the students thought, 'That may be true for him, but I am different. I can have the feeling of power without becoming powerless.' How many of these young people will refuse to recognize their impotence until they are humbled by addiction? Whoever said that alcohol was cunning, baffling, and powerful certainly knew what he was talking about.

[cassie]

Quote for 12/10/2007
We Create Our Own Punishment - The program refers to ‘God as we understand Him’; many people have a concept of ‘God as we misunderstand Him.’ Parental discipline invariably involves reward and punishment. This has been so since time immemorial, and perhaps cannot be otherwise. In the process of teaching children about God, it is either explicitly stated or implied that God operates the way parents do. We grow up thinking that God wields a huge club, waiting to pounce on us if we misbehave. A more careful reading of religious writings indicates a different concept. The biblical phrase, ‘It is the evil that destroys the wicked’ means that the punishment for a wrong deed lies in the act itself. Improper behavior contains its own painful consequences, some of which follow immediately and others only after some delay. In addiction we learn that no one need punish us for abusing chemicals. Chemicals carry more painful consequences than anyone could think of. When we recover, we can apply this valuable lesson to everything else in life. We understand that it is not God who punishes us, but that we precipitate our own punishment when we behave improperly. Recovery allows us to dispense with our juvenile misunderstanding of God.

[cassie]

Quote for 12/11/2007

People-Pleasing

Recovery from addiction involves more than just stopping use of chemicals. As one person stated, ‘The problem isn't the alcohol, it's alcoholism, and when you take away the alcohol, you still have the ism to deal with.’ One of the more common components of the ism is ‘people-pleasing,’ or the inability to say no when that is what we really want to say, but we are afraid to refuse because the person might not like us anymore. What it really comes down to is that we are buying friendship. During active addiction we become angry with ourselves for not taking a firm stand on our own behalf and for letting others take advantage of us; we also develop resentments toward others. It's almost a sure thing that this combination of anger and resentment toward others will result in chemical use. Why should we have to buy friendship? Perhaps because we don't think it can be had free. Maybe if we thought better of ourselves and felt we were likable, we wouldn't need to buy friendship. People will like us even if we are sometimes unable to comply with their requests. If we have an erroneous picture of ourselves, we may think that we are unlikable, and people-pleasing is just one of the many consequences of this negativity . Sobriety can help us develop the self-awareness that allows us to better appreciate ourselves, and to know that others do also.

[admin]

Quote for 12/12/2007
There is Nothing Wrong With Asking for Help - Giving help is easier than accepting it. A recovering woman confided to a friend that she had slept in an unheated apartment during a cold spell because the furnace repair service was backlogged several days. When friends told her that she would have been welcome in their home, she said, ''I didn't want to impose on anyone.' I called this woman and expressed my regret that I would no longer ask her to help newcomers. 'Please do,' she said. 'I am more than glad to help.' I explained to her that if she was unwilling to accept help, she had no right to give it. Perhaps asking for help is humbling, but in recovery we must learn humility. While we must avoid pathologic dependency, there are some healthy dependencies. Polonius’s famous advice was 'Neither a borrower nor a lender be.' When it comes to legitimate help, we can be both giver and recipient.

[cassie]

Quote for 12/13/2007
A Life Without Goals is an Empty Chaos - A path of life that is merely self-gratifying is not a path at all. Particles of matter that have energy and move about in a closed space display chaotic motion. They bounce off the walls of the container or off each other, and there is no pattern to their movement. They are not going from one place to another. They have no goal, hence they have no path, because a path is nothing but a way to reach some goal. If we seek only self-gratification, we are essentially living a chaotic life, attracted by whatever is available and repelled by obstacles. We are not following a path. This often happens in addiction because the chemical dictates where we go. People who have a goal or follow a path in life cannot relate to the chaotic movement of the addict. Children of addicts who should have been guided in a path of life may never have observed this consistency . Even if they grow up to be nonusers, they may lack the skills to choose and follow a path. Even without chemicals, their behavior is random and their lives chaotic. ‘He guides me in straight paths’-Psalms 23:3. A straight path is by far preferable, but even a winding path can lead somewhere. It is having no path that is intolerable.

[cassie]

Quote for 12/14/2007
Our Egos Can Get in the Way - Humility depends on just being human. A physician who specializes in the treatment of addiction states that he must avoid meetings attended by his patients because, ‘They ask me questions, and while I don't mind answering them, I become a doctor instead of just a person. I am at that meeting because I need help as a person, and when I function as an authoritative doctor, my ego gets in the way of my recovery.’ This is a valuable insight. Recovery works for people, not for doctors or lawyers or professors or executives. When people shed their professional identity and are just human beings, the ego moves out of the way, and humility, the necessary ingredient for recovery, appears. We do not need a title to have an ego. Anyone can develop an ego out of thin air. Sometimes the latter egos are more difficult to dismantle than those having some substance. When we realize that addiction is an equal opportunity destroyer and can affect us equally, then we share our humanity with other people and can achieve humility. We allow ourselves to be helped.

[janbear]

Quote for 12/15/2007
Are You Missing Something? - I have often heard people say, 'I never drink to get high, only to feel normal.' What is normal? We make assumptions about what is normal based on our observations of other people. We see people smiling, apparently working satisfactorily at their jobs. They seem to have a pleasant relationship with their spouse or partner. If we don't feel like smiling-or are frustrated with our job, or are not getting along well with our spouse or partner-we feel cheated. 'Why don't I have what other people have?' we ask. A recovering person said, 'I always compared my insides to other people's outsides.' People may indeed be smiling although they do not feel like smiling; they may not be showing their dissatisfaction with their job; and their domestic relationshp may not be as it seems in public. Most people feel no more and no less satisfaction or frustration than you do. If you are not aware of this it is because you are comparing your 'insides' with other people's 'outsides.'

[admin]

Quote for 12/16/2007
You Cannot Control the Future - Too much concentration on the future generates anxiety. We must plan realistically for the future, but remember that the future remains unpredictable. There are simply no guarantees. Trying to cover every possible eventuality will exhaust our energies and ultimately result in disappointment, because there is just no way that all possibilities can be covered. The wise Solomon said, ‘I therefore observed that there is nothing better for man than to be happy in what he is doing. For who can enable him to see what will be after him?’---Ecclesiastes 3:22. Interest rates fluctuate, the stock market zig-zags, mighty corporations go under while small businesses blossom. If we act reasonably and realize our limitations, we can at least enjoy the present. If we become preoccupied with assuring ourselves of the future, we enjoy neither. This is especially important in recovery , where we must shed the delusion of control. Although we may realize that there is no control over chemicals, we may retain the delusion that we can control our economic future. This is why we must decide at what point it is appropriate to ‘Let go and let God. ‘If we are unable to make this determination, we can ask for help to do so.

[janbear]

Quote for 12/17/2007
Stooping to New Lows - We behave according to our self-worth. In a discussion of the U.S. economy, it was mentioned that the dollar had fallen to an all-time low. Someone commented that, regardless of how low the dollar fell, it would never fall so low that people won't stoop to pick it up. If you drop a coin in the mud, and you are wearing a fine garment, you are unlikely to risk getting soiled in order to retrieve the coin. You recognize that you cannot get into the mud without getting dirty. Yet when it comes to decency , people may stoop very low to earn a dollar. Either they do not recognize that stooping to unethical behavior will soil their character, or they think so little of themselves that they do not see anything wrong with getting dirty. We do things during active addiction that are beneath our dignity , probably because we do not feel dignified. As we recover, our increased sense of self-worth not only prevents our relapse into chemical use but also disallows all indecent and unethical behavior.

[janbear]

Quote for 12/18/2007
Out of Control - Control is an important issue in addiction. The incidence of chemical dependency , especially among young people, is probably greater today than in the past. When travel was primarily by horse and buggy, the driver did not actually control the horse, but by pulling on the reins he coerced the horse to choose to turn. Today's driver does not make the car choose, but he actually controls its direction. Little children enjoy toys with remote controls. Scientists at the space center control the movements of a satellite a billion miles away. Technology has provided us with unprecedented controls. We have come to believe in our ability to control everything. This contributes to the delusion that we can also control chemicals. We should not let technology delude us. We cannot control our use of chemicals.

[janbear]

Quote for 12/19/2007
The Difference Between Need and Desire - What are our real needs? The philosopher Immanuel Kant, upon seeing a display of items in a shop window, said, 'I never knew there are so many things I can get along without.' Most people are preoccupied with their needs. It would be to our advantage if we thought more about how many of these things we do not need. If we look at our belongings, we are likely to find things we rarely use, yet when we bought them we were certain we needed them. The idea 'I need' is one that often escapes our critical judgment. We often want many things we do not really need. An alcoholic once said, 'I never drank unless I thought it was exactly what I needed to do at just that moment.' There is a difference between 'I want,' and 'I need.' The recovery program teaches us to say, 'I really don't need this chemical today. Whether I will need it tomorrow, I can decide tomorrow.' When we turn our lives over to the will of a Higher Power, we can eliminate those things we want that are destructive, and concentrate on our constructive needs.

[cassie]

Quote for 12/20/2007
Let the Miracle of Sobriety Occur - Sobriety may sometimes come from a breakthrough. A new volcano makes its appearance when molten lava that has been stored in the earth's core slowly makes its way through the earth's crust, erupting with great force. For thousands of years this lava had been deep below anyone's reach or awareness. People have within them a core of dignity and self-respect, but in some people this core is buried deep, covered by various happenings in life. Without a sense of dignity , we may behave in a way that is unbecoming. Without an awareness of our dignity , we have no idea it exists. Unfortunately, undignified behavior continues to add layers of concealment, in a self-reinforcing, destructive, vicious cycle. Like the lava that slowly works its way to the earth's surface, the dignity that lies at the core of a human being pushes its way up until one day it breaks through the surface. Out of nowhere, we feel ‘I am too good for this. I have no right to be anything less than I can be.’ Without external pressure or coercion, the miracle of sobriety can then occur.

[admin]

Quote for 12/21/2007
Is Addiction Insanity? - Why do AA and NA refer to addiction as insanity? After chemical use, we often behave destructively toward ourselves and others; and the aftermath is invariably misery, both physical and emotional. We frequently say, 'Never again,' yet the pattern recurs. Is this anything other than insane? It is important to conceptualize addiction as insanity. If we know that we are prone to episodes of insanity, we will make a maximum effort to prevent such episodes. We cannot rely on using good judgment when such an episode recurs; in a state of insanity , we do not have good judgment to use. How absurd to say, 'Next time I go insane, 1'11 avoid doing anything irrational.' Some physical diseases can be prevented by immunization or medication. Relapse of addiction is prevented by remaining involved in the recovery program. Delaying your program participation until you have relapsed is foolish.

[admin]

Quote for 12/22/2007
Character Growth and Sobriety - There is much research underway into brain activity. It is possible that scientists will soon discover the mechanism for our craving for chemicals. They may also develop the medications to eliminate this craving. Will there then no longer be a need for attending AA or NA meetings? Let us look at the 'dry drunk' syndrome: a person who has not had a chemical for years and does not crave, but is anything but emotionally well adjusted, manifesting all behavioral symptoms of the active addict except for using or craving. The latter are only two of the symptoms of addiction. If medical science finds an effective way to prevent intoxication, we may think we no longer have a problem, and will not seek help from a recovery program. If the research is successful, we may indeed have fewer instances of drunk driving and disorderly conduct. But we may well have many more dry drunks, or people who think they are perfectly healthy. The character defects of addiction can exist in abstinence of chemical use. Thus, the recovery program is necessary to enable us to make a better adjustment to life. Even with abstinence, we should continue the recovery program to ensure our character development and spiritual growth.

[admin]

Quote for 12/23/2007
You Can't Control the Future - What place does planning for the future have in recovery? Someone said: 'We shall surely suffer if we cast the whole idea of planning for tomorrow into a fastidious idea of providence. God's real providence has endowed us human beings with a considerable capability for foresight, and He evidently expects us to use it. Of course, we may often miscalculate the future in whole or in part, but that is better than to refuse to think at all.' Is it possible that the originator of this thought never heard of 'one day at a time'? This is a quote from Bill Wilson, who had a better grasp of the program than most people do. Failure to plan for the future is irresponsible, but there is a difference between planning for the future and trying to control the future. In active addiction we ignore the future, with an 'I don't give a **** ' attitude. In sobriety, we do whatever we can to the best of our ability, and then turn things over to a Higher Power.

[janbear]

Quote for 12/24/2007
Life-or- Death Struggles - When everything is a life-or-death matter, we die many times. Some people think only in extremes; solutions to problems must be either one or the other. There is no compromise or negotiation. This thinking results in unnecessary radical measures, with dissatisfaction to all concerned. This is a frequent trait among addicts, and contributes to chemical use. Some people resort to chemicals as an escape when they see no solution to their problems. But problems can always be resolved, albeit not in the manner one might wish. In this sense, addiction generates a vicious cycle. When chemicals are used to escape from problems that could be resolved by compromise, our perception and judgment become impaired, so that each problem takes on greater significance and appears even more insoluble. When everything becomes a life-or-death matter, we die many times. 'Easy does it' means sitting back and reevaluating problems for possible solutions. Sobriety helps us achieve this.

[janbear]

Quote for 12/25/2007
Be Receptive to Wisdom - The AA Grapevine stated, 'Fear is a darkroom where negatives are developed.' This metaphor means that, under the influence of fear, we are in the dark and lose our perception, resulting in negative thoughts and feelings. But metaphors are malleable, and we can bend them every which way. For instance, darkrooms are where productive work gets done. Negatives are converted to positives by placing the negative over sensitive photographic paper and exposing it briefly to light until a clear picture emerges. Even momentary exposure to light can convert the negative to a positive. Let us do this in our own lives. Find a source of illumination: wisdom from a reliable source. Be receptive and sensitive. Expose yourself to the source of illumination. There is a high probability that a positive picture will result. And although the negative image was useless, the positive image can be helpful. In the recovery program, it is said that if life gives you lemons, make lemonade. This restates the concept of converting the negative into the positive-which is what recovery is all about.

[janbear]

Quote for 12/26/2007
Freedom Brings Responsibility - The psychological problems that complicate addiction began long before use of chemicals. It has been said that it is easy to take liberty for granted when you have never had it taken from you. Inasmuch as we lose freedom and become a slave to addiction, why don't addicts feel deprived of the precious freedom they once had? The answer is that many addicts never experienced freedom even before they began using chemicals. They may have been subject to compulsions, to rigid habits, to an inability to say no, to being dominated by others, or to any life-style that did not allow freedom of thought and action. When chemicals came along, they just took their place alongside the other problems. For many addicts, recovery is the first taste of liberty. As wonderful as this is, it carries the responsibility of making decisions, of weighing options, and of considering many factors before choosing what to do. Of course freedom is better, but it is not always easy, and we must always beware the tendency to fall back on what is easier, even when it is to our detriment.

[janbear]

Quote for 12/27/2007
Attitude Adjustments - The philosopher William James said, 'The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude.' Many people think that changing their life requires major upheavals, such as relocating, changing jobs, getting married or divorced. Not so. The circumstances can remain exactly as they are. A radical change in our life can come about simply by changing our attitude. A recovering person once said, 'I discovered my attitude was that my family was to give me everything my parents did. When my wife did not do somersaults over every little accomplishment of mine, I was offended. When she did not dote on me when I was sick the way my parents did, I became irate. I was being mistreated. When my attitude changed and I realized she was my wife and not my mother, I stopped my bizarre behavior.' We often bring inappropriate attitudes to addiction. If we change these when we become sober, our lives become much more livable.

[janbear]

Quote for 12/28/2007
Barriers to Intimacy - Love is the union of two lonelinesses. Thousands of stories, poems, and songs have been written about love, yet the precise nature of love still escapes us. When people say that they love a particular delicacy, they are not really referring to love. We do unite with the food we eat, but it is not a union of two lonelinesses. However, the love of one person for another is a union of two lonelinesses. Why do some love relationships deteriorate? Those that were based on sexual infatuation were never love relationships to begin with. But what about loves where two people appeared to provide for each other's needs? Your loneliness cannot be relieved by another person, no matter how much you try, unless you let that other person into your life. If you remain secretive and prevent the other person from knowing you, then you obstruct love. The most common reason for not letting another person get to know us is the fear that this will repel them. If we think poorly of ourselves, we set up barriers to intimacy that prevent others from loving us. It is only when we are at peace with ourselves that we allow the closeness that can relieve our loneliness. If we feel a lack of reciprocity , we may not be allowing the other person to love us.

[janbear]

Quote for 12/29/2007
Self-Esteem is a Powerful Force - How we react to criticism depends on our self-image. An alumnus from our treatment center called hysterically one day because her husband had been verbally abusive, berating her as a failed wife and mother. After the woman calmed down a bit, I said to her, 'That scar on the right of your face is absolutely ugly!' 'I don't understand you, doctor,' she said. 'What is there not to understand?' I said. 'I don't have any scar on my face,' the woman said. 'Then what did you think when I made that remark?' I asked. 'I hadn't the slightest idea what you were talking about,' the woman answered. I pointed out to the woman that when I made an unkind remark which she knew to be untrue, her reaction was that there must be something wrong with me. The reason she reacted so intensely when her husband made a derogatory comment was because she believed his comments to be true. Had she thought of herself as a good wife and mother, her reaction would have been, 'I don't know what in the world you are talking about.' It would hardly have been the hysterical reaction she had. If we think well of ourselves, even insulting comments, while not pleasant, can be shrugged off.

[janbear]

Quote for 12/30/2007
God Does Not Abandon Us - The writer Lewis Carroll once said, 'Everything's got a moral, if you can only find it.' We are most likely to find things only when we look for them. This applies to program meetings as well. We can learn something from every meeting, if we only look for it. I once attended an AA meeting when I was very depressed. This was a 'gratitude meeting,' at which a number of people expressed how grateful they were for the wonderful things that had happened to them since they became sober. I was not in a grateful mood, and was rather irritated by all the testimonials of how wonderful life is. The last person who spoke said, 'I have been sober for four years. I wish I could tell you that it was all good. I have lost my job, my wife has sued for divorce, my car has been repossessed, and my house is up for sheriff's sale. But I don't think that God has brought me all this way only to walk out on me now.' Whereas much of the meeting seemed irrelevant to me that evening, this person said what I needed to hear in my state of mind. No matter how difficult things get, it is foolish to assume that, after helping us along so far, God is going to abandon us now.

[janbear]

Quote for 12/31/2007
Quitting Is Not An Option - The dependence advocated by the Twelve Step program is not an unhealthy one. A dear friend remarked to me, 'The problem with Humpty-Dumpty was not that he was so fragile, but that he depended on all the king's horses and men to put him together.' Some people criticize the Twelve Step program because it fosters dependence instead of stimulating self-sufficiency . 'People seem to be expecting either God or other people to help them stay sober.' But this view can come only from someone who does not understand the program. The Humpty-Dumpty rhyme tells us that if you depend on others to do everything, you can never get put back together again. The fact that so many people have recovered by virtue of the Twelve Step program indicates that it does not negate responsibility. We must exert maximum effort-nothing less will do. It is only after our own resources are exhausted that we can ask and receive help from our Higher Power and colleagues. To those who are critical of this approach I ask, 'What would you recommend we do when all our energies have been exhausted?' Quitting is not a viable option.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/1/2008
Life without Fear - Fear is an element of all chemical dependencies. The fear is not panic or agoraphobia, but a terror that has been described as follows by a recovering person: 'Ever since I was a kid I felt I was walking through a minefield.' When we walk through a minefield, we are aware that the next step may blow us to bits. If the next step is survived, it may be the one after that. There is no relief, because minefields are everywhere: at home or at work, when alone or with friends. The only respite is a chemical, for the brief period of its action. But these minefields exist only in our imagination. They are as unreal as other hallucinations. This is the insanity to which the program refers-the insanity of believing there are mines where none exist. Some psychologists help a person walk safely through the minefield. The Twelve Step program helps a person realize that the minefields do not exist. The promise of recovery is serenity instead of fear. Gradually the mines disappear, and we can direct our efforts to dealing with the challenges of the real world that do exist. With recovery we gain the wisdom to know the difference.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/2/2008
Acceptance - Sobriety involves coping with the challenges of reality. In recovery, we should avoid unrealistic expectations. Many people resorted to chemicals to escape what they felt was too harsh a reality . But reality does not necessarily improve with abstinence. While chemicals complicated things and made reality more difficult, many of the stresses that were there before the chemicals are still there with abstinence. A woman in recovery said, 'They told me that when I got sober things would get better. Well, things didn't get better. I got better.' A woman who had a child with birth defects stated, 'I prayed that God would perform a miracle and change him. One day God did perform a miracle. He changed me.' A key word in recovery is acceptance: to accept that we have the disease of addiction and adjust ourselves to that fact, and to accept countless things that we cannot change. But it is important not to confuse acceptance with approval. Accepting something does not mean we have to be pleased with it. There is nothing wrong with telling God about our displeasure. We may be angry at God when we are in distress, but we turn to Him for security and pray for the serenity to accept the stresses in life.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/3/2008
Nobody's Perfect - The Twelve Step program states that the aim in recovery is progress rather than perfection. Some people insist on achieving perfection. These are usually individuals who have unwarranted feelings of inferiority . Because they consider themselves inadequate, they have extraordinary fears of failure. To avoid the devastation of failure, they try to be perfect. No one enjoys failing. Yet we know that life consists of both successes and failures, and all one can hope for is that our successes outnumber our failures. If we do fail, we are understandably upset, but we do not lose it all together. Failures are unpleasant, but they are not catastrophes. Insisting on perfection always backfires. In trying to cover every conceivable detail that might possibly go wrong, we exhaust ourselves, and the job doesn't get done. If we get to know our real selves, we will not have these feelings of inadequacy . We will then be able to adjust to reality by enjoying our successes and surviving our failures.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/4/2008
The Worst Failure Is the Failure to Try - Doing nothing is the greatest failure of all. Yesterday we discussed the futility of trying to avoid failure by being absolutely perfect. Another way of avoiding failure is to do nothing. If we pull the covers over our head and stay in bed until 4 P.M., there is little we can do that can go wrong. T o some people, passive failure is more acceptable than active failure. If we cannot control the outcome of events, we are not at fault if we fail. But since we do control whether or not we try to do something, we are at fault when we do not try. Recovery from addiction is a major step at trying. As we gain confidence in ourself, we are progressively encouraged to advance further. Coping, trying, and recovery go hand-in-hand.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/5/2008
Be Open to Spiritual Awakening - In recovery we refer to a 'spiritual awakening.' A young man described a life of drugs that had resulted in crazy highs and close brushes with death. He related that his girl friend had overdosed, and as he frantically tried to revive her, he prayed, 'Please God, don't let her die.' When she began to breathe, he felt God had answered his prayers. 'I felt I was touched by God's spirit.' Yet his drug use continued unabated. When he ran afoul of drug dealers, he was a target of a gangland murder attempt. He still has the bullet at the base of his skull. He remembers thinking as he was hit, 'Oh God, please save me,' and again he felt touched by the spirit of God. Yet he continued to use drugs as before. Twice this man had a spiritual experience, and twice it did not change his way of living. Why? Because these experiences were spiritual awakenings. When the alarm clock buzzes, we have the option of getting up or of shutting off the alarm and going back to sleep. A wakening is only an option-an opportunity. We must make a choice whether to get up or to go back to sleep. Likewise, a spiritual awakening is an arousal, which we can take as a starting point for a new way of living, or ignore and go back to our old ways. The good judgment is to take advantage of the awakening.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/6/2008
Don't Isolate Yourself - Defense mechanisms are not always benign. Some of our body's defense mechanisms can cause more harm than good. For example, if we have a joint inflamed, the body heals the inflammation by forming scar tissue, but this scar tissue immobilizes the joint, so that the healing process causes the deformity of arthritis. The same is true of our emotional defenses. If we are sensitive and afraid of being hurt by others, we will defensively isolate and withdraw-other people can't hurt us if we avoid them. But this avoidance results in a loneliness that is even more painful. We have to undo the defense mechanisms that backfire. Doctors prescribe medications to prevent scar-tissue formation. Similarly, when we feel ourselves withdrawing and isolating, we must make a deliberate and conscious effort to relate to other people. While we all crave companionship, some of us may be too frightened to have it. Belonging to a recovery fellowship can be advantageous, because the empathic and loving support of the group allows us to emerge from our isolation in a protective environment.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/7/2008
Self-Pity is Often a Waste of Time - Sometimes we focus excessively on pain. If you have a sore spot in your mouth, you are likely to keep feeling that spot with your tongue. Something about pain attracts us to keep in contact with it. Much the same happens with emotional pain. We revisit painful incidents in our minds. Even though it hurts each time we think of them, we relive the painful episodes. But ruminating about painful incidents uses up both time and energy that could be directed toward constructive activities. This rumination is not only useless, because we cannot undo the past, but gives rise to resentments against those we think were responsible for hurting us. Dwelling on painful experiences is detrimental for everyone, but particularly dangerous for people in recovery .In the program, this is referred to as a 'pity party,' and if we do not discontinue it, we are prone to relapse. We may use the idea, 'I hurt so bad and no one understands' as justification for drinking or using chemicals. What can we do about this tendency to focus on pain? We can try as hard as we can to overcome it, which makes us ready to have God remove it, if only we ask Him sincerely to do so.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/8/2008
Everyone Can Learn from the Twelve Steps - The real difference between addicts and nonaddicts is that the former use chemicals and the latter do not. That is, the struggles and emotional problems addicts face are really no different from those experienced by anyone else. It also means that the people who help the chemically dependent person cope are probably capable of helping others as well. Bill Wilson, cofounder of AA, said, 'How to translate a right mental condition into a right emotional resolve, and so into easy, happy, and good living, is the problem of life itself.' Psychologists say that life becomes problematic when there is a lack of harmony between cognition and affect, or between ideas and feelings. Same thing. A person with a phobia of crowds logically knows that there is nothing really dangerous there, but nevertheless has anxiety or panic as though something terrible were about to happen. These symptoms are a result of emotions, not logic. In Waking Up just in Time, I use the 'Peanuts' comic strip to demonstrate how the Twelve Steps of AA are excellent guidelines for nonaddicts as well.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/9/2008
Not All Conflict is Bad - Friction is essential for growth. Our daily lives involve mechanical things, so we tend to apply engineering principles to our personal lives and behavior. For instance, we lubricate our automobile engines and appliances to enhance their performance, because friction is bad for a machine. So, too, we try to minimize emotional friction. But friction is necessary for growth and development. In fact, much of growth depends on overcoming challenges. Not all conflict should be avoided. If you assist your children with their homework by helping them understand the teacher's instructions so that they can do the work, this is constructive. If you do the homework for them and remove the challenge, they learn nothing. Addiction is often the result of trying to make things run friction-free via chemicals. We ease ourselves into sleep with chemicals, and we ease ourselves out of tension with chemicals. Indeed, some people talk of 'lubricating' themselves with alcohol. When we eliminate mind-altering drugs, we restore the healthy friction necessary for our growth. The recovery program shows us how to make friction constructive.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/10/2008
Don't Be So Hard on Yourself - The poet Goethe said of someone, 'He is a man whom it is impossible to please, because he is never pleased with himself.' Some people adjust to life fairly well. While they may not always be happy, they are able to cope even when they experience distress. Others are not only unable to adjust to distress but also cannot tolerate life when nothing is wrong. When we are pleased with ourselves, we do not become extremely displeased, even when things go awry. But if we are displeased with ourself, nothing is ever satisfactory. Efforts to please are attempts to fill a bottomless pit. A person who is chronically displeased is vulnerable to alcoholism or drug addiction. Unless the source of this displeasure is removed, the chemical dependency will only be replaced by excessive food, money, or sex. Constant displeasure is a problem of low self-esteem. When our self-image is poor, we are displeased with ourselves. But working the Twelve Steps can help us avoid the bottomless pit. Let's assume that you are sober. Do you still feel displeased much of the time? If so, think about what Goethe said, and begin doing things that will enable you to be pleased with yourself

[janbear]

Quote for 1/11/2008
Understanding Destructive Behavior - Exercise care in interpreting others' behavior. An adolescent whose antics caused his parents a great deal of aggravation was given psychological tests, one of which included sentence completions. He completed a sentence that began 'I wish...' with the words 'that my parents knew how much I love them.” This young man's behavior hardly indicated love for his parents. However, recovering addicts can understand this because they know the pain of having hurt those whom they loved. Destructive behavior cannot be tolerated, regardless of the motivation. We may have to take firm measures in relating to people who behave this way. We should bear in mind, though, that just as tough love is well intended, behavior that is defiant may emanate from someone who nevertheless loves us.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/12/2008
Denying the Obvious - Addictive thinking includes strange denials. A compulsive gambler who had been economically ruined by gambling twice previously this time lost his family as well as his fortune. Yet he was adamant in his ability to win, stating, 'I have a system that is guaranteed to beat the horses.' His therapist asked, 'How can you say that? This is the third time you have been wiped out and are in total ruin.' The gambler answered, 'I have a winning system, but when I get to the track I get so excited that I don't put my system into operation. When I put the system into function, I know I will win.' Can you think 0£ anything so insane as a person in total ruin still believing that he is a winner? And planning to continue the same activities that brought on his disaster? Whether it is gambling, chemicals, food, or sex, the story is always the same: the addict has an ingenious way of denying the obvious.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/13/2008
Adjust to Reality - Someone said once that we want facts to fit our preconceptions. When they don't, it is easier to ignore the facts than to change the preconceptions. An optimum adjustment to reality can be made only if we perceive reality correctly. A distorted perception of reality invariably leads to maladjustment. Reality consists of hard facts, which exist whether we like them or not. Ignoring facts, for whatever reason, is going to result in problems. We might not like the fact that the economy is in a recession, our job is in jeopardy, our son or daughter is marrying the wrong person, or someone we love has a chemical problem. However, ignoring these facts will only make a bad situation worse. Ignoring facts is just another word for denial, the hallmark of addiction. When facts and preconceptions conflict, the latter must be modified.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/14/2008
Hard Work and Simple Solutions - Simple solutions are not always correct. There is a cartoon that shows a child sitting on Santa Claus's knee. The child asks, 'Why can't you just legalize being naughty?' This is the way some young people may think. They feel everything should be legalized: marijuana, heroin, cocaine. While Prohibition was a failure, it is also evident that legalizing alcohol has not eliminated the disastrous consequences of alcoholism. What are needed in our culture are more self-restraint and self-discipline. Unfortunately, while the voices for legalizing drugs are loud, advocates of self-restraint are few and far between. Self-restraint is not a popular message. Recovering people have learned the hard way that only discipline prevents self-destruction. It would be well if society appreciated this and made a greater effort to avoid simple solutions.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/15/2008
Are You Missing Something? - I have often heard people say, 'I never drink to get high, only to feel normal.' What is normal? We make assumptions about what is normal based on our observations of other people. We see people smiling, apparently working satisfactorily at their jobs. They seem to have a pleasant relationship with their spouse or partner. If we don't feel like smiling-or are frustrated with our job, or are not getting along well with our spouse or partner-we feel cheated. 'Why don't I have what other people have?' we ask. A recovering person said, 'I always compared my insides to other people's outsides.' People may indeed be smiling although they do not feel like smiling; they may not be showing their dissatisfaction with their job; and their domestic relationshp may not be as it seems in public. Most people feel no more and no less satisfaction or frustration than you do. If you are not aware of this it is because you are comparing your 'insides' with other people's 'outsides.'

[janbear]

Quote for 1/16/2008
How Can We Remain Indifferent? - Hatred is a despicable emotion. Indifference is even worse. If we argue with someone and she does not respond, we find it more annoying than if she would overtly disagree with us. Why? Because even a hostile response acknowledges our existence, whereas ignoring a person is essentially saying, 'You don't count at all.' People crave acknowledgment. Remember the class clown who was repeatedly evicted from the classroom? He was willing to accept rebuke and ridicule because of his desperate need to call attention to himself. We may not realize that people have been offended when we fail to notice them. It takes so little effort to make people feel good. A pleasant greeting, an offer of a cup of coffee, an inquiry whether they might need a ride home. Probably we have all experienced the displeasure of being ignored. Let us avoid doing this to others. Little things can mean so much.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/17/2008
Stooping to New Lows - We behave according to our self-worth. In a discussion of the U.S. economy, it was mentioned that the dollar had fallen to an all-time low. Someone commented that, regardless of how low the dollar fell, it would never fall so low that people won't stoop to pick it up. If you drop a coin in the mud, and you are wearing a fine garment, you are unlikely to risk getting soiled in order to retrieve the coin. You recognize that you cannot get into the mud without getting dirty. Yet when it comes to decency , people may stoop very low to earn a dollar. Either they do not recognize that stooping to unethical behavior will soil their character, or they think so little of themselves that they do not see anything wrong with getting dirty. We do things during active addiction that are beneath our dignity , probably because we do not feel dignified. As we recover, our increased sense of self-worth not only prevents our relapse into chemical use but also disallows all indecent and unethical behavior.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/18/2008
Out of Control - Control is an important issue in addiction. The incidence of chemical dependency , especially among young people, is probably greater today than in the past. When travel was primarily by horse and buggy, the driver did not actually control the horse, but by pulling on the reins he coerced the horse to choose to turn. Today's driver does not make the car choose, but he actually controls its direction. Little children enjoy toys with remote controls. Scientists at the space center control the movements of a satellite a billion miles away. Technology has provided us with unprecedented controls. We have come to believe in our ability to control everything. This contributes to the delusion that we can also control chemicals. We should not let technology delude us. We cannot control our use of chemicals.

[admin]

Quote for 1/19/2008
Keeping Life in Perspective - Not all unpleasantness can be easily dismissed. Someone offered a two-step guide to living: 'Don't sweat the small stuff. It's all small stuff.' This is not quite correct. It's not small stuff when you are fired from your job, your child gets hurt, your car is repossessed, you lose someone you love, or you discover that your child is on drugs. These are mighty big issues. Even real small stuff, like a cinder in the eye, cannot be dismissed lightly. It may be a tiny particle, but in your eye it feels plenty big. A better guide is, 'You may not be able to stop the birds of sadness from flying over your head, but you don't have to let them nest in your hair.'Whether it is big stuff or small stuff, we must realize that we have the capacity to cope and adjust.

[admin]

Quote for 1/20/2008
We Can Always Use a Lift - People have told me that the message they heard one day (on the Dial-A-Sober-Thought telephone service) was exactly what they needed that particular day. I began to wonder, is this all providential, or could there be some other reason? Gradually I realized that whatever authentic message we hear about recovery or spirituality is going to meet our needs for that day-or for that matter, any day. Recovery is somewhat analogous to active addiction. A young man tried to be a controlled drinker, and gave his wife the keys to the liquor cabinet, saying, 'You give me a drink only when I need it.' The wife asked, 'How am I supposed to know when you need it?' 'No problem,' he said. 'Whenever you give it to me, I need it.' What is true of chemicals for the active addict is true of recovery material for the recovering person. There is always a need for a message that enhances self-esteem, helps shed resentments, or increases spirituality . Therefore, when you take hold of the program, much more comes along. Therefore, any thought about recovery can have a great effect.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/21/2008
Excuses Get Us Nowhere - 'No one has ever excused his way to success.' Perhaps it is a carryover from the notes we brought our grade-school teachers to explain our absences, but many people believe that excuses have value in life. But as any authority on how to succeed has pointed out, no one has ever achieved success via the avenue of excuses. Recovering people do not need to be taught this. If a Nobel Prize were given for excellence in rationalization, addicts would win hands down. No one can concoct as many excuses as an addict. These champions can also testify to the futility of even the most ingenious excuse. Good performance and responsible behavior are what succeed. Poor performance and irresponsibility always fail. Recovering people know this, but a reminder never hurts.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/22/2008
Be wise Enough to Ask for Help - A Danish proverb: Better to ask twice than to lose your way once. With some automobile drivers, it is a matter of pride. They will not stop to ask directions, insisting they know the way. Only after they are undeniably lost do they swallow their pride and discover they had been driving in the wrong direction. It is annoying when a failure to ask for guidance wastes time and gasoline. But it is more serious when we have gone the wrong direction in life, and some of our mistakes are irreversible. Career and marriage are important decisions, but they are not the only major decisions in life. Everyone can benefit from guidance. Recovering addicts are convincing instructors of the importance of asking for guidance, rather than assuming that we know it all. Wisdom is not in knowing everything but in knowing when to ask.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/23/2008
Recovering Our Emotions - Communication is the ability to also hear what is not being said. Our minds comprise two parts: intellect and emotions. We communicate to and from the intellect with words, but emotional messages are communicated nonverbally through eye contact, gestures and tone inflection. Chemicals affect the emotions first, so it is possible to continue communicating intellectually even after the emotional transmitter and receiver have been disabled. During active addiction it is possible to function intellectually even after the emotional transmitter and receiver have been disabled. During active addiction it is possible to function intellectually-- give lectures, perform operations, try cases, audit books--though all emotional contact has ceased. When we recover, we restore the emotional system and can resume full communication. We might not always be pleased with those emotional communications, and that is why there is always a risk of relapse. But as recovery progresses, we learn how to deal with emotions, and we can then enjoy total communication.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/24/2008
Life-or- Death Struggles - When everything is a life-or-death matter, we die many times. Some people think only in extremes; solutions to problems must be either one or the other. There is no compromise or negotiation. This thinking results in unnecessary radical measures, with dissatisfaction to all concerned. This is a frequent trait among addicts, and contributes to chemical use. Some people resort to chemicals as an escape when they see no solution to their problems. But problems can always be resolved, albeit not in the manner one might wish. In this sense, addiction generates a vicious cycle. When chemicals are used to escape from problems that could be resolved by compromise, our perception and judgment become impaired, so that each problem takes on greater significance and appears even more insoluble. When everything becomes a life-or-death matter, we die many times. 'Easy does it' means sitting back and reevaluating problems for possible solutions. Sobriety helps us achieve this.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/25/2008
Be Receptive to Wisdom - The AA Grapevine stated, 'Fear is a darkroom where negatives are developed.' This metaphor means that, under the influence of fear, we are in the dark and lose our perception, resulting in negative thoughts and feelings. But metaphors are malleable, and we can bend them every which way. For instance, darkrooms are where productive work gets done. Negatives are converted to positives by placing the negative over sensitive photographic paper and exposing it briefly to light until a clear picture emerges. Even momentary exposure to light can convert the negative to a positive. Let us do this in our own lives. Find a source of illumination: wisdom from a reliable source. Be receptive and sensitive. Expose yourself to the source of illumination. There is a high probability that a positive picture will result. And although the negative image was useless, the positive image can be helpful. In the recovery program, it is said that if life gives you lemons, make lemonade. This restates the concept of converting the negative into the positive-which is what recovery is all about.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/26/2008
Freedom Brings Responsibility - The psychological problems that complicate addiction began long before use of chemicals. It has been said that it is easy to take liberty for granted when you have never had it taken from you. Inasmuch as we lose freedom and become a slave to addiction, why don't addicts feel deprived of the precious freedom they once had? The answer is that many addicts never experienced freedom even before they began using chemicals. They may have been subject to compulsions, to rigid habits, to an inability to say no, to being dominated by others, or to any life-style that did not allow freedom of thought and action. When chemicals came along, they just took their place alongside the other problems. For many addicts, recovery is the first taste of liberty. As wonderful as this is, it carries the responsibility of making decisions, of weighing options, and of considering many factors before choosing what to do. Of course freedom is better, but it is not always easy, and we must always beware the tendency to fall back on what is easier, even when it is to our detriment.

[janbear]

Attitude Adjustments - The philosopher William James said, 'The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude.' Many people think that changing their life requires major upheavals, such as relocating, changing jobs, getting married or divorced. Not so. The circumstances can remain exactly as they are. A radical change in our life can come about simply by changing our attitude. A recovering person once said, 'I discovered my attitude was that my family was to give me everything my parents did. When my wife did not do somersaults over every little accomplishment of mine, I was offended. When she did not dote on me when I was sick the way my parents did, I became irate. I was being mistreated. When my attitude changed and I realized she was my wife and not my mother, I stopped my bizarre behavior.' We often bring inappropriate attitudes to addiction. If we change these when we become sober, our lives become much more livable.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/28/2008
Make Peace With Yourself - We are important to ourselves. A recovering person showed his sponsor a list of everyone to whom he would make amends, and was told the list was incomplete. He was perplexed. How could the sponsor know whom he had offended? 'You forgot to put yourself at the top of the list,', the sponsor said. Even if we were totally isolated, and had never harmed anyone else, chemical use certainly harms ourselves. All the amends in the world are inadequate for full recovery unless we realize that we have no right whatever to damage ourselves. Coming into recovery , we may not feel very good about ourselves. The most brilliant and dazzling diamond does not look beautiful when it is first drawn from the mine. It needs to be polished so that its beauty and value can be perceived and appreciated by all. That must happen in recovery. We must make amends to ourselves for having injured something so valuable as ourselves.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/29/2008
It's Not Always Easy to Take Advice - Profiting from good advice requires more wisdom than giving advice. It is fascinating to observe others in the recovery program. People with the least experience are fountains of advice, whereas seasoned veterans often sit quietly. Although they gladly respond to questions, they do not volunteer advice. For those seeking guidance, therefore, look among those who are maintaining their silence. Accepting good advice is not easy. Very often we must make some major modifications in our life-style to achieve sobriety . But if what we are instructed to do is not inconvenient, we should suspect its authenticity. Veterans in the recovery program say, 'Just listen and do as you're told.' No one likes to hear this, but it is good advice. The behavior of active addiction was largely doing what we wanted to do, rather than what we should do. Recovery requires a reversal of this.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/30/2008
Don't Be Afraid of Real Sorrow - Recovery concepts are sometimes grossly distorted. A woman with years of sobriety related the difficulties she experienced during her husband's illness and following his death. She stated, 'I put on the best front I can at work. I guess I'm not working the program well.' She felt she was derelict because she was feeling sorry for herself. Some people in the program told her that she must learn how to be happy all the time. This is a distortion of the program's teachings. AA and NA are programs of reality , and grieving for the loss of a loved one is reality. The program does not disapprove of normal emotions. But when a person experiences setbacks because of chemical use, such as the breakup of a marriage or the loss of a job, and says, 'Poor me! Why do these things happen to me?' that is what is meant by a 'pity party.' The program is critical of feeling sorry for yourself and blaming everyone else for the consequences of your addictive behavior. However, when you feel genuine grief from loss of a loved one, that is a healthy emotion. We must be careful not to distort the wonderful ideas of the program. When in doubt, check with senior people in sobriety who can tell you what these concepts really mean.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/31/2008
Fear Can Destroy You - Fear is not only an effect of distress but may also cause distress. If we were asked to walk on a plank set on the floor, we would have little difficulty doing so. If that same plank were suspended high in the air, the fear of falling might be so great and cause such anxiety that we could not keep our balance. The fear would actually cause us to fall. This phenomenon is true of chemical relapse as well. We may be so terrified of relapse, and work ourselves into so intense a state of panic, that we are driven to take a chemical for relief. This can also occur with any task where we fear failure. Many bright students have failed exams because their minds went blank owing to the fear of not doing well. Easy does it. Putting things in their proper perspective, taking a challenge one bit at a time, and trusting in our Higher Power can help us avoid the destructive panic.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/1/2008
The Joy of Giving - Helping others is self-help. Pain is all-encompassing. If we have a severe toothache we think of nothing else. This is equally true of emotional pain. If we are deeply depressed, there is nothing that can divert our attention. We have seen people struggling to overcome the impulse to drink or use chemicals, depressed by a disruption of the family, loss of job, or trouble with the law-all incident to their addictions. Yet when faced with someone who is in addictive trouble, they are open, empathic, receptive, and willing to help. When suffering people are so willing to help others, they are distracted from their own distress. This is the magic of the Twelve Step program. It enables us to look outside of ourselves. If more people would reach out and help someone instead of retreating into self-pity when they are in the throes of misery, the world would be a much more pleasant place to live.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/2/2008
Restraint is Often the Best Response - Patience can help avoid distress. I once pulled into a parking lot, and being fifth in a procession, was annoyed that the lead car was moving at a snail's pace. The driver in front of me tooted angrily. Although tempted to pound on the horn, I decided not to add to the noise. When the lead car pulled into a parking space, I saw the handicap symbol on its license plate. I felt badly that I had harbored angry feelings at a handicapped person who was searching for the nearest place to park. I was grateful that I had restrained myself from sounding the horn. While we may make amends for having offended someone, it would be so much better if we could avoid the incident in the first place. This is possible if we delay our reaction, rather than behave in a knee-jerk fashion. What a peaceful night's sleep we would have if we could retire with the thought 'There is not one thing I did today that I regret having done.' For many people, this would eliminate the need for sedatives.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/3/2008
The Difference Between Knowledge and Wisdom - Knowledge is not enough. A competent therapist discovered that his daughter was using cocaine. He reacted like any other parent, with the usual combination of denial, rationalization, projection, anger, and attempt to control, although he would have counseled other parents to act differently. The reason? He counseled other parents with his knowledge, but he reacted to his own child with his emotions. Knowledge resides in the conscious part of our mind and emotion in the unconscious. The two do not always function in harmony. Emotions are powerful. They may also be misleading, regardless of how knowledgeable we are. Thus, we may not act constructively. It is as unwise to be your own addiction counselor as to be your own doctor or lawyer. That is why we need outside expertise to guide us, whether it is in regard to ourselves or to someone we love.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/4/2008
Greatness Comes with Humility - Gratitude results in humility. A person who receives a Divine favor may consider himself superior to others, and become arrogant instead of humble. Rarely is such a person grateful to God. Indeed, he may think God as fortunate in having so wonderful a subject! If we recognize Divine providence and realize that we are the beneficiaries of God's kindnesses, we become closer to Him. Standing in the eminent presence of the Infinite makes us feel very small indeed. This humility and self-effacement is in no way demeaning. To the contrary , the privilege of being a subject to the Great Sovereign is edifying. The measure of a person's greatness is in his ability to be grateful and humble.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/5/2008
Mental Vigilance - If something is really important, it never leaves our mind. Nursing mothers are the world's soundest sleepers and will not be woken by the loudest thunder. Yet just a whimper from the infant will promptly arouse them. This is because mothers are conditioned to respond to their baby's needs. Whether in a deep sleep or occupied in some activity , mothers remain in emotional contact with their baby. The person to whom sobriety is of preeminent importance may be occupied in some activity, not thinking about sobriety . However, should anything occur to threaten that sobriety , there is an immediate arousal and a recall of all that is necessary to protect the sobriety. Devotion to AA and NA principles need not divert us from our normal functions any more than a mother's devotion to her infant prevents her from engaging in other activities.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/6/2008
Know When to Relax - It has been said that the most important time to relax is when we have no time to relax. But what can we do if we are so busy that we cannot take the time to relax? Just consider priorities. A tourist who was told that there were no vacancies at a motel said to the manager, 'If the president came here tonight you would find a room for him, wouldn't you?' 'Well, 0f course,' the manager said. 'Good! The president isn't coming, so you can give me that room.' If we had a heart attack, we would have the time to rest. So let us use the time that we would have used for recuperation for healthy relaxation instead. If we make relaxation a priority, we will find the time for it.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/7/2008
Don't Place Yourself in Harm's Way - There is good reason to change 'people, places, and things.' We consider addiction a disease. Further, we dispute people who consider it a self-inflicted disease. Indeed, there is evidence that addiction is strongly influenced by genetics and biology, and not self-inflicted. Yet we cannot absolve ourselves of all responsibility. The person who is blown off the roof by a powerful wind must have been standing near the edge, in a hazardous position. The people, places, and things that were associated with our alcohol or drug use are hazardous to our sobriety , and we should not expose ourselves to these dangers. Similarly, we cannot claim that our improper behavior was due to circumstances if we knowingly placed ourselves in those circumstances.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/8/2008
It Takes More Than Just Drugs to Make an Addict - The real difference between chemical1y dependent and nondependent people is that the former use chemicals and the latter do not. This is not being facetious. The question is often asked whether there is a personality profile for an addict. Could a thorough psychological evaluation predict who will become an addict? The answer is that there is nothing in the psychological makeup of the preaddict that distinguishes him or her from the nonaddict. When addicts discontinue their use of chemicals, they are nevertheless vulnerable to the same errors in adjusting to life as during addiction. This is why continued involvement in the recovery program is essential. Complacency and failure to work the program can allow a recurrence of the same errors of omission or commission in sobriety that we had during active addiction.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/9/2008
Unreasonable Desires Can Be Deadly - Endless pursuits can be lethal. Seeking sobriety from chemicals can indeed help us find serenity . Addiction to chemicals has shown us that some of our desires can be insatiable. The quantity of chemicals we needed constantly increased, until 'enough' constituted a lethal dose. But as we recover, we apply this knowledge to other desires, whether for food, money, sex, or acclaim. There is the fable of a greedy person who found a magic purse. Whenever he took out a dollar, another dollar appeared in its place. Several days later he was found dead among a huge pile of dollars. His greed obscured his need for food or water and he died of starvation, driven by his desire to get just one more dollar. Recovery from addiction has taught us that some desires can be deadly.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/10/2008
Fellowship Can Remove Many Barriers - Fellowship enhances serenity. Many people pursue individual goals, often pushing others out of the way. When they reach their goal, they discover that they are alone. They must enjoy their achievement in absolute solitude because they have alienated others along the way. Many chemically addicted people are loners. They associate with others only when obtunded by chemicals. But recovery enables us to escape from the confinements we have built to protect us from others. These walls became a prison in which we trapped ourselves. The recovery fellowship allows us to share with others-to help and to be helped-and we thereby escape from our prison to serenity .

[janbear]

Quote for 2/11/2008
Understanding Destructive Behavior - Exercise care in interpreting others' behavior. An adolescent whose antics caused his parents a great deal of aggravation was given psychological tests, one of which included sentence completions. He completed a sentence that began 'I wish...' with the words 'that my parents knew how much I love them.” This young man's behavior hardly indicated love for his parents. However, recovering addicts can understand this because they know the pain of having hurt those whom they loved. Destructive behavior cannot be tolerated, regardless of the motivation. We may have to take firm measures in relating to people who behave this way. We should bear in mind, though, that just as tough love is well intended, behavior that is defiant may emanate from someone who nevertheless loves us.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/12/2008
Denying the Obvious - Addictive thinking includes strange denials. A compulsive gambler who had been economically ruined by gambling twice previously this time lost his family as well as his fortune. Yet he was adamant in his ability to win, stating, 'I have a system that is guaranteed to beat the horses.' His therapist asked, 'How can you say that? This is the third time you have been wiped out and are in total ruin.' The gambler answered, 'I have a winning system, but when I get to the track I get so excited that I don't put my system into operation. When I put the system into function, I know I will win.' Can you think 0£ anything so insane as a person in total ruin still believing that he is a winner? And planning to continue the same activities that brought on his disaster? Whether it is gambling, chemicals, food, or sex, the story is always the same: the addict has an ingenious way of denying the obvious.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/13/2008
Adjust to Reality - Someone said once that we want facts to fit our preconceptions. When they don't, it is easier to ignore the facts than to change the preconceptions. An optimum adjustment to reality can be made only if we perceive reality correctly. A distorted perception of reality invariably leads to maladjustment. Reality consists of hard facts, which exist whether we like them or not. Ignoring facts, for whatever reason, is going to result in problems. We might not like the fact that the economy is in a recession, our job is in jeopardy, our son or daughter is marrying the wrong person, or someone we love has a chemical problem. However, ignoring these facts will only make a bad situation worse. Ignoring facts is just another word for denial, the hallmark of addiction. When facts and preconceptions conflict, the latter must be modified.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/14/2008
Hard Work and Simple Solutions - Simple solutions are not always correct. There is a cartoon that shows a child sitting on Santa Claus's knee. The child asks, 'Why can't you just legalize being naughty?' This is the way some young people may think. They feel everything should be legalized: marijuana, heroin, cocaine. While Prohibition was a failure, it is also evident that legalizing alcohol has not eliminated the disastrous consequences of alcoholism. What are needed in our culture are more self-restraint and self-discipline. Unfortunately, while the voices for legalizing drugs are loud, advocates of self-restraint are few and far between. Self-restraint is not a popular message. Recovering people have learned the hard way that only discipline prevents self-destruction. It would be well if society appreciated this and made a greater effort to avoid simple solutions.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/15/2008
Are You Missing Something? - I have often heard people say, 'I never drink to get high, only to feel normal.' What is normal? We make assumptions about what is normal based on our observations of other people. We see people smiling, apparently working satisfactorily at their jobs. They seem to have a pleasant relationship with their spouse or partner. If we don't feel like smiling-or are frustrated with our job, or are not getting along well with our spouse or partner-we feel cheated. 'Why don't I have what other people have?' we ask. A recovering person said, 'I always compared my insides to other people's outsides.' People may indeed be smiling although they do not feel like smiling; they may not be showing their dissatisfaction with their job; and their domestic relationshp may not be as it seems in public. Most people feel no more and no less satisfaction or frustration than you do. If you are not aware of this it is because you are comparing your 'insides' with other people's 'outsides.'

[janbear]

Quote for 2/16/2008
How Can We Remain Indifferent? - Hatred is a despicable emotion. Indifference is even worse. If we argue with someone and she does not respond, we find it more annoying than if she would overtly disagree with us. Why? Because even a hostile response acknowledges our existence, whereas ignoring a person is essentially saying, 'You don't count at all.' People crave acknowledgment. Remember the class clown who was repeatedly evicted from the classroom? He was willing to accept rebuke and ridicule because of his desperate need to call attention to himself. We may not realize that people have been offended when we fail to notice them. It takes so little effort to make people feel good. A pleasant greeting, an offer of a cup of coffee, an inquiry whether they might need a ride home. Probably we have all experienced the displeasure of being ignored. Let us avoid doing this to others. Little things can mean so much.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/17/2008
Stooping to New Lows - We behave according to our self-worth. In a discussion of the U.S. economy, it was mentioned that the dollar had fallen to an all-time low. Someone commented that, regardless of how low the dollar fell, it would never fall so low that people won't stoop to pick it up. If you drop a coin in the mud, and you are wearing a fine garment, you are unlikely to risk getting soiled in order to retrieve the coin. You recognize that you cannot get into the mud without getting dirty. Yet when it comes to decency , people may stoop very low to earn a dollar. Either they do not recognize that stooping to unethical behavior will soil their character, or they think so little of themselves that they do not see anything wrong with getting dirty. We do things during active addiction that are beneath our dignity , probably because we do not feel dignified. As we recover, our increased sense of self-worth not only prevents our relapse into chemical use but also disallows all indecent and unethical behavior.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/18/2008
Out of Control - Control is an important issue in addiction. The incidence of chemical dependency , especially among young people, is probably greater today than in the past. When travel was primarily by horse and buggy, the driver did not actually control the horse, but by pulling on the reins he coerced the horse to choose to turn. Today's driver does not make the car choose, but he actually controls its direction. Little children enjoy toys with remote controls. Scientists at the space center control the movements of a satellite a billion miles away. Technology has provided us with unprecedented controls. We have come to believe in our ability to control everything. This contributes to the delusion that we can also control chemicals. We should not let technology delude us. We cannot control our use of chemicals.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/19/2008
The Difference Between Need and Desire - What are our real needs? The philosopher Immanuel Kant, upon seeing a display of items in a shop window, said, 'I never knew there are so many things I can get along without.' Most people are preoccupied with their needs. It would be to our advantage if we thought more about how many of these things we do not need. If we look at our belongings, we are likely to find things we rarely use, yet when we bought them we were certain we needed them. The idea 'I need' is one that often escapes our critical judgment. We often want many things we do not really need. An alcoholic once said, 'I never drank unless I thought it was exactly what I needed to do at just that moment.' There is a difference between 'I want,' and 'I need.' The recovery program teaches us to say, 'I really don't need this chemical today. Whether I will need it tomorrow, I can decide tomorrow.' When we turn our lives over to the will of a Higher Power, we can eliminate those things we want that are destructive, and concentrate on our constructive needs.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/20/2008
An 'All or Nothing' Struggle - Only 100 percent will work. Chemicals are indeed enemies, and they are cunning. In addiction, chemicals may look for any possible entry. The addiction may cause insomnia, pain, or anxiety - all in order to get us to take an addictive chemical. Our only defense against relapse is to block all portals of entry . Any opening, any side door, any weakness in the wall, can provide a means of entry. The statement 'half measures avail us nothing' may be taken to mean that three-quarter measures will work. The fact is that anything less than 100 percent is fraught with risk. The I percent unguarded point is a point of entry. This is why we must remain in contact with the program indefinitely and practice its principles in all our affairs. The one time we do not practice the principles of recovery is our Achilles' heel of relapse.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/21/2008
Excuses Get Us Nowhere - 'No one has ever excused his way to success.' Perhaps it is a carryover from the notes we brought our grade-school teachers to explain our absences, but many people believe that excuses have value in life. But as any authority on how to succeed has pointed out, no one has ever achieved success via the avenue of excuses. Recovering people do not need to be taught this. If a Nobel Prize were given for excellence in rationalization, addicts would win hands down. No one can concoct as many excuses as an addict. These champions can also testify to the futility of even the most ingenious excuse. Good performance and responsible behavior are what succeed. Poor performance and irresponsibility always fail. Recovering people know this, but a reminder never hurts.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/22/2008
Be wise Enough to Ask for Help - A Danish proverb: Better to ask twice than to lose your way once. With some automobile drivers, it is a matter of pride. They will not stop to ask directions, insisting they know the way. Only after they are undeniably lost do they swallow their pride and discover they had been driving in the wrong direction. It is annoying when a failure to ask for guidance wastes time and gasoline. But it is more serious when we have gone the wrong direction in life, and some of our mistakes are irreversible. Career and marriage are important decisions, but they are not the only major decisions in life. Everyone can benefit from guidance. Recovering addicts are convincing instructors of the importance of asking for guidance, rather than assuming that we know it all. Wisdom is not in knowing everything but in knowing when to ask.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/23/2008
Recovering Our Emotions - Communication is the ability to also hear what is not being said. Our minds comprise two parts: intellect and emotions. We communicate to and from the intellect with words, but emotional messages are communicated nonverbally through eye contact, gestures and tone inflection. Chemicals affect the emotions first, so it is possible to continue communicating intellectually even after the emotional transmitter and receiver have been disabled. During active addiction it is possible to function intellectually even after the emotional transmitter and receiver have been disabled. During active addiction it is possible to function intellectually-- give lectures, perform operations, try cases, audit books--though all emotional contact has ceased. When we recover, we restore the emotional system and can resume full communication. We might not always be pleased with those emotional communications, and that is why there is always a risk of relapse. But as recovery progresses, we learn how to deal with emotions, and we can then enjoy total communication.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/24/2008
Life-or- Death Struggles - When everything is a life-or-death matter, we die many times. Some people think only in extremes; solutions to problems must be either one or the other. There is no compromise or negotiation. This thinking results in unnecessary radical measures, with dissatisfaction to all concerned. This is a frequent trait among addicts, and contributes to chemical use. Some people resort to chemicals as an escape when they see no solution to their problems. But problems can always be resolved, albeit not in the manner one might wish. In this sense, addiction generates a vicious cycle. When chemicals are used to escape from problems that could be resolved by compromise, our perception and judgment become impaired, so that each problem takes on greater significance and appears even more insoluble. When everything becomes a life-or-death matter, we die many times. 'Easy does it' means sitting back and reevaluating problems for possible solutions. Sobriety helps us achieve this.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/25/2008
Be Receptive to Wisdom - The AA Grapevine stated, 'Fear is a darkroom where negatives are developed.' This metaphor means that, under the influence of fear, we are in the dark and lose our perception, resulting in negative thoughts and feelings. But metaphors are malleable, and we can bend them every which way. For instance, darkrooms are where productive work gets done. Negatives are converted to positives by placing the negative over sensitive photographic paper and exposing it briefly to light until a clear picture emerges. Even momentary exposure to light can convert the negative to a positive. Let us do this in our own lives. Find a source of illumination: wisdom from a reliable source. Be receptive and sensitive. Expose yourself to the source of illumination. There is a high probability that a positive picture will result. And although the negative image was useless, the positive image can be helpful. In the recovery program, it is said that if life gives you lemons, make lemonade. This restates the concept of converting the negative into the positive-which is what recovery is all about.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/26/2008
Freedom Brings Responsibility - The psychological problems that complicate addiction began long before use of chemicals. It has been said that it is easy to take liberty for granted when you have never had it taken from you. Inasmuch as we lose freedom and become a slave to addiction, why don't addicts feel deprived of the precious freedom they once had? The answer is that many addicts never experienced freedom even before they began using chemicals. They may have been subject to compulsions, to rigid habits, to an inability to say no, to being dominated by others, or to any life-style that did not allow freedom of thought and action. When chemicals came along, they just took their place alongside the other problems. For many addicts, recovery is the first taste of liberty. As wonderful as this is, it carries the responsibility of making decisions, of weighing options, and of considering many factors before choosing what to do. Of course freedom is better, but it is not always easy, and we must always beware the tendency to fall back on what is easier, even when it is to our detriment.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/27/2008
Attitude Adjustments - The philosopher William James said, 'The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude.' Many people think that changing their life requires major upheavals, such as relocating, changing jobs, getting married or divorced. Not so. The circumstances can remain exactly as they are. A radical change in our life can come about simply by changing our attitude. A recovering person once said, 'I discovered my attitude was that my family was to give me everything my parents did. When my wife did not do somersaults over every little accomplishment of mine, I was offended. When she did not dote on me when I was sick the way my parents did, I became irate. I was being mistreated. When my attitude changed and I realized she was my wife and not my mother, I stopped my bizarre behavior.' We often bring inappropriate attitudes to addiction. If we change these when we become sober, our lives become much more livable.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/28/2008
Make Peace With Yourself - We are important to ourselves. A recovering person showed his sponsor a list of everyone to whom he would make amends, and was told the list was incomplete. He was perplexed. How could the sponsor know whom he had offended? 'You forgot to put yourself at the top of the list,', the sponsor said. Even if we were totally isolated, and had never harmed anyone else, chemical use certainly harms ourselves. All the amends in the world are inadequate for full recovery unless we realize that we have no right whatever to damage ourselves. Coming into recovery , we may not feel very good about ourselves. The most brilliant and dazzling diamond does not look beautiful when it is first drawn from the mine. It needs to be polished so that its beauty and value can be perceived and appreciated by all. That must happen in recovery. We must make amends to ourselves for having injured something so valuable as ourselves.

[janbear]

Quote for 2/29/2008
It's Not Always Easy to Take Advice - Profiting from good advice requires more wisdom than giving advice. It is fascinating to observe others in the recovery program. People with the least experience are fountains of advice, whereas seasoned veterans often sit quietly. Although they gladly respond to questions, they do not volunteer advice. For those seeking guidance, therefore, look among those who are maintaining their silence. Accepting good advice is not easy. Very often we must make some major modifications in our life-style to achieve sobriety . But if what we are instructed to do is not inconvenient, we should suspect its authenticity. Veterans in the recovery program say, 'Just listen and do as you're told.' No one likes to hear this, but it is good advice. The behavior of active addiction was largely doing what we wanted to do, rather than what we should do. Recovery requires a reversal of this.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/1/2008
The Joy of Giving - Helping others is self-help. Pain is all-encompassing. If we have a severe toothache we think of nothing else. This is equally true of emotional pain. If we are deeply depressed, there is nothing that can divert our attention. We have seen people struggling to overcome the impulse to drink or use chemicals, depressed by a disruption of the family, loss of job, or trouble with the law-all incident to their addictions. Yet when faced with someone who is in addictive trouble, they are open, empathic, receptive, and willing to help. When suffering people are so willing to help others, they are distracted from their own distress. This is the magic of the Twelve Step program. It enables us to look outside of ourselves. If more people would reach out and help someone instead of retreating into self-pity when they are in the throes of misery, the world would be a much more pleasant place to live.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/2/2008
Restraint is Often the Best Response - Patience can help avoid distress. I once pulled into a parking lot, and being fifth in a procession, was annoyed that the lead car was moving at a snail's pace. The driver in front of me tooted angrily. Although tempted to pound on the horn, I decided not to add to the noise. When the lead car pulled into a parking space, I saw the handicap symbol on its license plate. I felt badly that I had harbored angry feelings at a handicapped person who was searching for the nearest place to park. I was grateful that I had restrained myself from sounding the horn. While we may make amends for having offended someone, it would be so much better if we could avoid the incident in the first place. This is possible if we delay our reaction, rather than behave in a knee-jerk fashion. What a peaceful night's sleep we would have if we could retire with the thought 'There is not one thing I did today that I regret having done.' For many people, this would eliminate the need for sedatives.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/3/2008
The Difference Between Knowledge and Wisdom - Knowledge is not enough. A competent therapist discovered that his daughter was using cocaine. He reacted like any other parent, with the usual combination of denial, rationalization, projection, anger, and attempt to control, although he would have counseled other parents to act differently. The reason? He counseled other parents with his knowledge, but he reacted to his own child with his emotions. Knowledge resides in the conscious part of our mind and emotion in the unconscious. The two do not always function in harmony. Emotions are powerful. They may also be misleading, regardless of how knowledgeable we are. Thus, we may not act constructively. It is as unwise to be your own addiction counselor as to be your own doctor or lawyer. That is why we need outside expertise to guide us, whether it is in regard to ourselves or to someone we love.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/4/2008
Greatness Comes with Humility - Gratitude results in humility. A person who receives a Divine favor may consider himself superior to others, and become arrogant instead of humble. Rarely is such a person grateful to God. Indeed, he may think God as fortunate in having so wonderful a subject! If we recognize Divine providence and realize that we are the beneficiaries of God's kindnesses, we become closer to Him. Standing in the eminent presence of the Infinite makes us feel very small indeed. This humility and self-effacement is in no way demeaning. To the contrary , the privilege of being a subject to the Great Sovereign is edifying. The measure of a person's greatness is in his ability to be grateful and humble.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/5/2008
Mental Vigilance - If something is really important, it never leaves our mind. Nursing mothers are the world's soundest sleepers and will not be woken by the loudest thunder. Yet just a whimper from the infant will promptly arouse them. This is because mothers are conditioned to respond to their baby's needs. Whether in a deep sleep or occupied in some activity , mothers remain in emotional contact with their baby. The person to whom sobriety is of preeminent importance may be occupied in some activity, not thinking about sobriety . However, should anything occur to threaten that sobriety , there is an immediate arousal and a recall of all that is necessary to protect the sobriety. Devotion to AA and NA principles need not divert us from our normal functions any more than a mother's devotion to her infant prevents her from engaging in other activities.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/6/2008
Know When to Relax - It has been said that the most important time to relax is when we have no time to relax. But what can we do if we are so busy that we cannot take the time to relax? Just consider priorities. A tourist who was told that there were no vacancies at a motel said to the manager, 'If the president came here tonight you would find a room for him, wouldn't you?' 'Well, 0f course,' the manager said. 'Good! The president isn't coming, so you can give me that room.' If we had a heart attack, we would have the time to rest. So let us use the time that we would have used for recuperation for healthy relaxation instead. If we make relaxation a priority, we will find the time for it.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/7/2008
Don't Place Yourself in Harm's Way - There is good reason to change 'people, places, and things.' We consider addiction a disease. Further, we dispute people who consider it a self-inflicted disease. Indeed, there is evidence that addiction is strongly influenced by genetics and biology, and not self-inflicted. Yet we cannot absolve ourselves of all responsibility. The person who is blown off the roof by a powerful wind must have been standing near the edge, in a hazardous position. The people, places, and things that were associated with our alcohol or drug use are hazardous to our sobriety , and we should not expose ourselves to these dangers. Similarly, we cannot claim that our improper behavior was due to circumstances if we knowingly placed ourselves in those circumstances.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/8/2008
It Takes More Than Just Drugs to Make an Addict - The real difference between chemical1y dependent and nondependent people is that the former use chemicals and the latter do not. This is not being facetious. The question is often asked whether there is a personality profile for an addict. Could a thorough psychological evaluation predict who will become an addict? The answer is that there is nothing in the psychological makeup of the preaddict that distinguishes him or her from the nonaddict. When addicts discontinue their use of chemicals, they are nevertheless vulnerable to the same errors in adjusting to life as during addiction. This is why continued involvement in the recovery program is essential. Complacency and failure to work the program can allow a recurrence of the same errors of omission or commission in sobriety that we had during active addiction.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/9/2008
Unreasonable Desires Can Be Deadly - Endless pursuits can be lethal. Seeking sobriety from chemicals can indeed help us find serenity . Addiction to chemicals has shown us that some of our desires can be insatiable. The quantity of chemicals we needed constantly increased, until 'enough' constituted a lethal dose. But as we recover, we apply this knowledge to other desires, whether for food, money, sex, or acclaim. There is the fable of a greedy person who found a magic purse. Whenever he took out a dollar, another dollar appeared in its place. Several days later he was found dead among a huge pile of dollars. His greed obscured his need for food or water and he died of starvation, driven by his desire to get just one more dollar. Recovery from addiction has taught us that some desires can be deadly.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/10/2008
The Blame Game - We need to take corrective action, and not to blame. There are four essentials for human life: food and water, clothing, shelter, and someone to blame. While blaming others is widespread, one can only wonder, what purpose does it serve? Hunger tells us the body needs nourishment, and the sensation of cold tells us we need clothes or shelter, but what function can blaming someone serve? Blaming can relieve us of the burden of doing some-thing about our situation. If we can point out whose fault something is, it releases us from the need to change. The reasoning goes, 'Let the person whose fault it is correct the situation. Why should I? I didn't cause it.' Strangely, if someone set fire to your home, you would do whatever necessary to put out the fire, even though you knew who started it. Why not act similarly when our behavior requires change? It is typical for an addict to blame others: 'If only they would stop doing these irritating things to me, I would not need to drink or use.' Rather than make the necessary changes in behavior, the addict blames others, which appears to absolve him or her from change. It is wise to eliminate blame in recovery. We need not blame ourselves or others. Our emphasis should be on what is necessary to recover.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/11/2008
A 'Let Down” or the Next Step? - A six-month alumnus of our treatment center recently complained that, although he was not drinking and things were much better both at home and at work, he nevertheless was experiencing a letdown. During the first phase of sobriety, we can do little more than get through the day without a chemical. Habits must change and patterns of behavior that involve chemical use must be replaced with behavior conducive to abstinence. These are major changes and they are a full-time job. Only after the new life-style is stabilized can we take the next step in recovery. During active addiction there is no chance for character building. The drive to relieve tension or for the euphoria a chemical brings supersedes all else. But with the beginning of recovery and stabilization of an abstinent life-style, the character building can begin. Rebuilding your character is at least as great a challenge as rebuilding a burned house, but the results can be even more rewarding. When a house is afire, the flames must first be extinguished, then the charred material must be removed, and only then can we begin to rebuild. The letdown this man was experiencing is similar to the challenge of building a new structure after the ruins of the old have been cleared.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/12/2008
Make a Contribution - Addiction and recovery are both unique phenomena. While there are many similarities among chemically dependent people, there are also many differences. Each individual's history of addiction and recovery is as unique as one's fingerprints. This uniqueness is why it is so important that recovering people frequently attend AA or NA meetings. Over and above what one gets, there is much that one can give. There may be someone trying to recover who needs to hear what you have to say. It is your particular story-one particular incident, or one observation that you made. It will elicit a response in one individual. And even if the event was not unique, it may be the way you describe it that triggers another person's recovery. One woman related that she had difficulty identifying with the program until she heard a speaker say, 'This is the first time out of my house for two months, following my operation for cancer. This program helped me to get through the ordeal, because it helped me live my life as it is rather than as I would like it to be.' This particular idea and the way it was phrased touched this woman's needs. We all have something unique to contribute. We should not withhold it from others.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/13/2008
Learn to Trust - Developing trust is crucial in sobriety. Some chemically dependent people grew up in the home of an addicted parent, and may have COA (Children of Addicts) issues to deal with. Growing up in the home of an addicted parent can leave emotional scars. There may have been no manifestation of love from a parent who was too sick to show love or who was preoccupied with controlling the spouse's addiction. There may have been no rudiments of trust in a home where nothing was predictable. If you had to assume adult responsibilities early in life, you may have missed a normal childhood. You may have felt shame-an intolerable feeling that somehow you are just not good enough, regardless of what you do. Because these feelings are part of our development, they may seem so natural that we don't recognize how destructive they can be. We are unable to rid ourselves of resentment if we do not even know what the resentment is. People try to turn their lives over to God, or they try to confide in another, but seem unable to do so. They do not realize that they are unable to trust either God or another person-because they never learned how to trust. Attending meetings of Children of Addicts can improve your own recovery by helping remove some of the obstacles to effective working of the Twelve Steps.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/14/2008
Hard Work and Simple Solutions - Simple solutions are not always correct. There is a cartoon that shows a child sitting on Santa Claus's knee. The child asks, 'Why can't you just legalize being naughty?' This is the way some young people may think. They feel everything should be legalized: marijuana, heroin, cocaine. While Prohibition was a failure, it is also evident that legalizing alcohol has not eliminated the disastrous consequences of alcoholism. What are needed in our culture are more self-restraint and self-discipline. Unfortunately, while the voices for legalizing drugs are loud, advocates of self-restraint are few and far between. Self-restraint is not a popular message. Recovering people have learned the hard way that only discipline prevents self-destruction. It would be well if society appreciated this and made a greater effort to avoid simple solutions.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/15/2008
Are You Missing Something? - I have often heard people say, 'I never drink to get high, only to feel normal.' What is normal? We make assumptions about what is normal based on our observations of other people. We see people smiling, apparently working satisfactorily at their jobs. They seem to have a pleasant relationship with their spouse or partner. If we don't feel like smiling-or are frustrated with our job, or are not getting along well with our spouse or partner-we feel cheated. 'Why don't I have what other people have?' we ask. A recovering person said, 'I always compared my insides to other people's outsides.' People may indeed be smiling although they do not feel like smiling; they may not be showing their dissatisfaction with their job; and their domestic relationshp may not be as it seems in public. Most people feel no more and no less satisfaction or frustration than you do. If you are not aware of this it is because you are comparing your 'insides' with other people's 'outsides.'

[janbear]

Quote for 3/16/2008
How Can We Remain Indifferent? - Hatred is a despicable emotion. Indifference is even worse. If we argue with someone and she does not respond, we find it more annoying than if she would overtly disagree with us. Why? Because even a hostile response acknowledges our existence, whereas ignoring a person is essentially saying, 'You don't count at all.' People crave acknowledgment. Remember the class clown who was repeatedly evicted from the classroom? He was willing to accept rebuke and ridicule because of his desperate need to call attention to himself. We may not realize that people have been offended when we fail to notice them. It takes so little effort to make people feel good. A pleasant greeting, an offer of a cup of coffee, an inquiry whether they might need a ride home. Probably we have all experienced the displeasure of being ignored. Let us avoid doing this to others. Little things can mean so much.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/17/2008
Stooping to New Lows - We behave according to our self-worth. In a discussion of the U.S. economy, it was mentioned that the dollar had fallen to an all-time low. Someone commented that, regardless of how low the dollar fell, it would never fall so low that people won't stoop to pick it up. If you drop a coin in the mud, and you are wearing a fine garment, you are unlikely to risk getting soiled in order to retrieve the coin. You recognize that you cannot get into the mud without getting dirty. Yet when it comes to decency , people may stoop very low to earn a dollar. Either they do not recognize that stooping to unethical behavior will soil their character, or they think so little of themselves that they do not see anything wrong with getting dirty. We do things during active addiction that are beneath our dignity , probably because we do not feel dignified. As we recover, our increased sense of self-worth not only prevents our relapse into chemical use but also disallows all indecent and unethical behavior.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/18/2008
Out of Control - Control is an important issue in addiction. The incidence of chemical dependency , especially among young people, is probably greater today than in the past. When travel was primarily by horse and buggy, the driver did not actually control the horse, but by pulling on the reins he coerced the horse to choose to turn. Today's driver does not make the car choose, but he actually controls its direction. Little children enjoy toys with remote controls. Scientists at the space center control the movements of a satellite a billion miles away. Technology has provided us with unprecedented controls. We have come to believe in our ability to control everything. This contributes to the delusion that we can also control chemicals. We should not let technology delude us. We cannot control our use of chemicals.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/19/2008
The Difference Between Need and Desire - What are our real needs? The philosopher Immanuel Kant, upon seeing a display of items in a shop window, said, 'I never knew there are so many things I can get along without.' Most people are preoccupied with their needs. It would be to our advantage if we thought more about how many of these things we do not need. If we look at our belongings, we are likely to find things we rarely use, yet when we bought them we were certain we needed them. The idea 'I need' is one that often escapes our critical judgment. We often want many things we do not really need. An alcoholic once said, 'I never drank unless I thought it was exactly what I needed to do at just that moment.' There is a difference between 'I want,' and 'I need.' The recovery program teaches us to say, 'I really don't need this chemical today. Whether I will need it tomorrow, I can decide tomorrow.' When we turn our lives over to the will of a Higher Power, we can eliminate those things we want that are destructive, and concentrate on our constructive needs.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/20/2008
An 'All or Nothing' Struggle - Only 100 percent will work. Chemicals are indeed enemies, and they are cunning. In addiction, chemicals may look for any possible entry. The addiction may cause insomnia, pain, or anxiety - all in order to get us to take an addictive chemical. Our only defense against relapse is to block all portals of entry . Any opening, any side door, any weakness in the wall, can provide a means of entry. The statement 'half measures avail us nothing' may be taken to mean that three-quarter measures will work. The fact is that anything less than 100 percent is fraught with risk. The I percent unguarded point is a point of entry. This is why we must remain in contact with the program indefinitely and practice its principles in all our affairs. The one time we do not practice the principles of recovery is our Achilles' heel of relapse.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/21/2008
Excuses Get Us Nowhere - 'No one has ever excused his way to success.' Perhaps it is a carryover from the notes we brought our grade-school teachers to explain our absences, but many people believe that excuses have value in life. But as any authority on how to succeed has pointed out, no one has ever achieved success via the avenue of excuses. Recovering people do not need to be taught this. If a Nobel Prize were given for excellence in rationalization, addicts would win hands down. No one can concoct as many excuses as an addict. These champions can also testify to the futility of even the most ingenious excuse. Good performance and responsible behavior are what succeed. Poor performance and irresponsibility always fail. Recovering people know this, but a reminder never hurts.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/22/2008
Be wise Enough to Ask for Help - A Danish proverb: Better to ask twice than to lose your way once. With some automobile drivers, it is a matter of pride. They will not stop to ask directions, insisting they know the way. Only after they are undeniably lost do they swallow their pride and discover they had been driving in the wrong direction. It is annoying when a failure to ask for guidance wastes time and gasoline. But it is more serious when we have gone the wrong direction in life, and some of our mistakes are irreversible. Career and marriage are important decisions, but they are not the only major decisions in life. Everyone can benefit from guidance. Recovering addicts are convincing instructors of the importance of asking for guidance, rather than assuming that we know it all. Wisdom is not in knowing everything but in knowing when to ask.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/23/2008
Recovering Our Emotions - Communication is the ability to also hear what is not being said. Our minds comprise two parts: intellect and emotions. We communicate to and from the intellect with words, but emotional messages are communicated nonverbally through eye contact, gestures and tone inflection. Chemicals affect the emotions first, so it is possible to continue communicating intellectually even after the emotional transmitter and receiver have been disabled. During active addiction it is possible to function intellectually even after the emotional transmitter and receiver have been disabled. During active addiction it is possible to function intellectually-- give lectures, perform operations, try cases, audit books--though all emotional contact has ceased. When we recover, we restore the emotional system and can resume full communication. We might not always be pleased with those emotional communications, and that is why there is always a risk of relapse. But as recovery progresses, we learn how to deal with emotions, and we can then enjoy total communication.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/24/2008
Life-or- Death Struggles - When everything is a life-or-death matter, we die many times. Some people think only in extremes; solutions to problems must be either one or the other. There is no compromise or negotiation. This thinking results in unnecessary radical measures, with dissatisfaction to all concerned. This is a frequent trait among addicts, and contributes to chemical use. Some people resort to chemicals as an escape when they see no solution to their problems. But problems can always be resolved, albeit not in the manner one might wish. In this sense, addiction generates a vicious cycle. When chemicals are used to escape from problems that could be resolved by compromise, our perception and judgment become impaired, so that each problem takes on greater significance and appears even more insoluble. When everything becomes a life-or-death matter, we die many times. 'Easy does it' means sitting back and reevaluating problems for possible solutions. Sobriety helps us achieve this.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/25/2008
Be Receptive to Wisdom - The AA Grapevine stated, 'Fear is a darkroom where negatives are developed.' This metaphor means that, under the influence of fear, we are in the dark and lose our perception, resulting in negative thoughts and feelings. But metaphors are malleable, and we can bend them every which way. For instance, darkrooms are where productive work gets done. Negatives are converted to positives by placing the negative over sensitive photographic paper and exposing it briefly to light until a clear picture emerges. Even momentary exposure to light can convert the negative to a positive. Let us do this in our own lives. Find a source of illumination: wisdom from a reliable source. Be receptive and sensitive. Expose yourself to the source of illumination. There is a high probability that a positive picture will result. And although the negative image was useless, the positive image can be helpful. In the recovery program, it is said that if life gives you lemons, make lemonade. This restates the concept of converting the negative into the positive-which is what recovery is all about.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/26/2008
Freedom Brings Responsibility - The psychological problems that complicate addiction began long before use of chemicals. It has been said that it is easy to take liberty for granted when you have never had it taken from you. Inasmuch as we lose freedom and become a slave to addiction, why don't addicts feel deprived of the precious freedom they once had? The answer is that many addicts never experienced freedom even before they began using chemicals. They may have been subject to compulsions, to rigid habits, to an inability to say no, to being dominated by others, or to any life-style that did not allow freedom of thought and action. When chemicals came along, they just took their place alongside the other problems. For many addicts, recovery is the first taste of liberty. As wonderful as this is, it carries the responsibility of making decisions, of weighing options, and of considering many factors before choosing what to do. Of course freedom is better, but it is not always easy, and we must always beware the tendency to fall back on what is easier, even when it is to our detriment.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/27/2008
Attitude Adjustments - The philosopher William James said, 'The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude.' Many people think that changing their life requires major upheavals, such as relocating, changing jobs, getting married or divorced. Not so. The circumstances can remain exactly as they are. A radical change in our life can come about simply by changing our attitude. A recovering person once said, 'I discovered my attitude was that my family was to give me everything my parents did. When my wife did not do somersaults over every little accomplishment of mine, I was offended. When she did not dote on me when I was sick the way my parents did, I became irate. I was being mistreated. When my attitude changed and I realized she was my wife and not my mother, I stopped my bizarre behavior.' We often bring inappropriate attitudes to addiction. If we change these when we become sober, our lives become much more livable

[janbear]

Quote for 3/28/2008
Make Peace With Yourself - We are important to ourselves. A recovering person showed his sponsor a list of everyone to whom he would make amends, and was told the list was incomplete. He was perplexed. How could the sponsor know whom he had offended? 'You forgot to put yourself at the top of the list,', the sponsor said. Even if we were totally isolated, and had never harmed anyone else, chemical use certainly harms ourselves. All the amends in the world are inadequate for full recovery unless we realize that we have no right whatever to damage ourselves. Coming into recovery , we may not feel very good about ourselves. The most brilliant and dazzling diamond does not look beautiful when it is first drawn from the mine. It needs to be polished so that its beauty and value can be perceived and appreciated by all. That must happen in recovery. We must make amends to ourselves for having injured something so valuable as ourselves.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/29/2008
It's Not Always Easy to Take Advice - Profiting from good advice requires more wisdom than giving advice. It is fascinating to observe others in the recovery program. People with the least experience are fountains of advice, whereas seasoned veterans often sit quietly. Although they gladly respond to questions, they do not volunteer advice. For those seeking guidance, therefore, look among those who are maintaining their silence. Accepting good advice is not easy. Very often we must make some major modifications in our life-style to achieve sobriety . But if what we are instructed to do is not inconvenient, we should suspect its authenticity. Veterans in the recovery program say, 'Just listen and do as you're told.' No one likes to hear this, but it is good advice. The behavior of active addiction was largely doing what we wanted to do, rather than what we should do. Recovery requires a reversal of this.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/30/2008
Don't Be Afraid of Real Sorrow - Recovery concepts are sometimes grossly distorted. A woman with years of sobriety related the difficulties she experienced during her husband's illness and following his death. She stated, 'I put on the best front I can at work. I guess I'm not working the program well.' She felt she was derelict because she was feeling sorry for herself. Some people in the program told her that she must learn how to be happy all the time. This is a distortion of the program's teachings. AA and NA are programs of reality , and grieving for the loss of a loved one is reality. The program does not disapprove of normal emotions. But when a person experiences setbacks because of chemical use, such as the breakup of a marriage or the loss of a job, and says, 'Poor me! Why do these things happen to me?' that is what is meant by a 'pity party.' The program is critical of feeling sorry for yourself and blaming everyone else for the consequences of your addictive behavior. However, when you feel genuine grief from loss of a loved one, that is a healthy emotion. We must be careful not to distort the wonderful ideas of the program. When in doubt, check with senior people in sobriety who can tell you what these concepts really mean.

[janbear]

Quote for 3/31/2008
Fear Can Destroy You - Fear is not only an effect of distress but may also cause distress. If we were asked to walk on a plank set on the floor, we would have little difficulty doing so. If that same plank were suspended high in the air, the fear of falling might be so great and cause such anxiety that we could not keep our balance. The fear would actually cause us to fall. This phenomenon is true of chemical relapse as well. We may be so terrified of relapse, and work ourselves into so intense a state of panic, that we are driven to take a chemical for relief. This can also occur with any task where we fear failure. Many bright students have failed exams because their minds went blank owing to the fear of not doing well. Easy does it. Putting things in their proper perspective, taking a challenge one bit at a time, and trusting in our Higher Power can help us avoid the destructive panic.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/1/2008
The Joy of Giving - Helping others is self-help. Pain is all-encompassing. If we have a severe toothache we think of nothing else. This is equally true of emotional pain. If we are deeply depressed, there is nothing that can divert our attention. We have seen people struggling to overcome the impulse to drink or use chemicals, depressed by a disruption of the family, loss of job, or trouble with the law-all incident to their addictions. Yet when faced with someone who is in addictive trouble, they are open, empathic, receptive, and willing to help. When suffering people are so willing to help others, they are distracted from their own distress. This is the magic of the Twelve Step program. It enables us to look outside of ourselves. If more people would reach out and help someone instead of retreating into self-pity when they are in the throes of misery, the world would be a much more pleasant place to live.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/2/2008
Restraint is Often the Best Response - Patience can help avoid distress. I once pulled into a parking lot, and being fifth in a procession, was annoyed that the lead car was moving at a snail's pace. The driver in front of me tooted angrily. Although tempted to pound on the horn, I decided not to add to the noise. When the lead car pulled into a parking space, I saw the handicap symbol on its license plate. I felt badly that I had harbored angry feelings at a handicapped person who was searching for the nearest place to park. I was grateful that I had restrained myself from sounding the horn. While we may make amends for having offended someone, it would be so much better if we could avoid the incident in the first place. This is possible if we delay our reaction, rather than behave in a knee-jerk fashion. What a peaceful night's sleep we would have if we could retire with the thought 'There is not one thing I did today that I regret having done.' For many people, this would eliminate the need for sedatives.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/3/2008
The Difference Between Knowledge and Wisdom - Knowledge is not enough. A competent therapist discovered that his daughter was using cocaine. He reacted like any other parent, with the usual combination of denial, rationalization, projection, anger, and attempt to control, although he would have counseled other parents to act differently. The reason? He counseled other parents with his knowledge, but he reacted to his own child with his emotions. Knowledge resides in the conscious part of our mind and emotion in the unconscious. The two do not always function in harmony. Emotions are powerful. They may also be misleading, regardless of how knowledgeable we are. Thus, we may not act constructively. It is as unwise to be your own addiction counselor as to be your own doctor or lawyer. That is why we need outside expertise to guide us, whether it is in regard to ourselves or to someone we love.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/4/2008
Greatness Comes with Humility - Gratitude results in humility. A person who receives a Divine favor may consider himself superior to others, and become arrogant instead of humble. Rarely is such a person grateful to God. Indeed, he may think God as fortunate in having so wonderful a subject! If we recognize Divine providence and realize that we are the beneficiaries of God's kindnesses, we become closer to Him. Standing in the eminent presence of the Infinite makes us feel very small indeed. This humility and self-effacement is in no way demeaning. To the contrary , the privilege of being a subject to the Great Sovereign is edifying. The measure of a person's greatness is in his ability to be grateful and humble.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/5/2008
Mental Vigilance - If something is really important, it never leaves our mind. Nursing mothers are the world's soundest sleepers and will not be woken by the loudest thunder. Yet just a whimper from the infant will promptly arouse them. This is because mothers are conditioned to respond to their baby's needs. Whether in a deep sleep or occupied in some activity , mothers remain in emotional contact with their baby. The person to whom sobriety is of preeminent importance may be occupied in some activity, not thinking about sobriety . However, should anything occur to threaten that sobriety , there is an immediate arousal and a recall of all that is necessary to protect the sobriety. Devotion to AA and NA principles need not divert us from our normal functions any more than a mother's devotion to her infant prevents her from engaging in other activities.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/6/2008
Know When to Relax - It has been said that the most important time to relax is when we have no time to relax. But what can we do if we are so busy that we cannot take the time to relax? Just consider priorities. A tourist who was told that there were no vacancies at a motel said to the manager, 'If the president came here tonight you would find a room for him, wouldn't you?' 'Well, 0f course,' the manager said. 'Good! The president isn't coming, so you can give me that room.' If we had a heart attack, we would have the time to rest. So let us use the time that we would have used for recuperation for healthy relaxation instead. If we make relaxation a priority, we will find the time for it.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/7/2008
Don't Place Yourself in Harm's Way - There is good reason to change 'people, places, and things.' We consider addiction a disease. Further, we dispute people who consider it a self-inflicted disease. Indeed, there is evidence that addiction is strongly influenced by genetics and biology, and not self-inflicted. Yet we cannot absolve ourselves of all responsibility. The person who is blown off the roof by a powerful wind must have been standing near the edge, in a hazardous position. The people, places, and things that were associated with our alcohol or drug use are hazardous to our sobriety , and we should not expose ourselves to these dangers. Similarly, we cannot claim that our improper behavior was due to circumstances if we knowingly placed ourselves in those circumstances.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/8/2008
It Takes More Than Just Drugs to Make an Addict - The real difference between chemical1y dependent and nondependent people is that the former use chemicals and the latter do not. This is not being facetious. The question is often asked whether there is a personality profile for an addict. Could a thorough psychological evaluation predict who will become an addict? The answer is that there is nothing in the psychological makeup of the preaddict that distinguishes him or her from the nonaddict. When addicts discontinue their use of chemicals, they are nevertheless vulnerable to the same errors in adjusting to life as during addiction. This is why continued involvement in the recovery program is essential. Complacency and failure to work the program can allow a recurrence of the same errors of omission or commission in sobriety that we had during active addiction.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/9/2008
Unreasonable Desires Can Be Deadly - Endless pursuits can be lethal. Seeking sobriety from chemicals can indeed help us find serenity . Addiction to chemicals has shown us that some of our desires can be insatiable. The quantity of chemicals we needed constantly increased, until 'enough' constituted a lethal dose. But as we recover, we apply this knowledge to other desires, whether for food, money, sex, or acclaim. There is the fable of a greedy person who found a magic purse. Whenever he took out a dollar, another dollar appeared in its place. Several days later he was found dead among a huge pile of dollars. His greed obscured his need for food or water and he died of starvation, driven by his desire to get just one more dollar. Recovery from addiction has taught us that some desires can be deadly.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/10/2008
Fellowship Can Remove Many Barriers - Fellowship enhances serenity. Many people pursue individual goals, often pushing others out of the way. When they reach their goal, they discover that they are alone. They must enjoy their achievement in absolute solitude because they have alienated others along the way. Many chemically addicted people are loners. They associate with others only when obtunded by chemicals. But recovery enables us to escape from the confinements we have built to protect us from others. These walls became a prison in which we trapped ourselves. The recovery fellowship allows us to share with others-to help and to be helped-and we thereby escape from our prison to serenity .

[janbear]

Quote for 4/11/2008
Understanding Destructive Behavior - Exercise care in interpreting others' behavior. An adolescent whose antics caused his parents a great deal of aggravation was given psychological tests, one of which included sentence completions. He completed a sentence that began 'I wish...' with the words 'that my parents knew how much I love them.” This young man's behavior hardly indicated love for his parents. However, recovering addicts can understand this because they know the pain of having hurt those whom they loved. Destructive behavior cannot be tolerated, regardless of the motivation. We may have to take firm measures in relating to people who behave this way. We should bear in mind, though, that just as tough love is well intended, behavior that is defiant may emanate from someone who nevertheless loves us.

[admin]

Quote for 4/12/2008
There is Nothing Wrong With Asking for Help - Giving help is easier than accepting it. A recovering woman confided to a friend that she had slept in an unheated apartment during a cold spell because the furnace repair service was backlogged several days. When friends told her that she would have been welcome in their home, she said, ''I didn't want to impose on anyone.' I called this woman and expressed my regret that I would no longer ask her to help newcomers. 'Please do,' she said. 'I am more than glad to help.' I explained to her that if she was unwilling to accept help, she had no right to give it. Perhaps asking for help is humbling, but in recovery we must learn humility. While we must avoid pathologic dependency, there are some healthy dependencies. Polonius’s famous advice was 'Neither a borrower nor a lender be.' When it comes to legitimate help, we can be both giver and recipient.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/13/2008
Adjust to Reality - Someone said once that we want facts to fit our preconceptions. When they don't, it is easier to ignore the facts than to change the preconceptions. An optimum adjustment to reality can be made only if we perceive reality correctly. A distorted perception of reality invariably leads to maladjustment. Reality consists of hard facts, which exist whether we like them or not. Ignoring facts, for whatever reason, is going to result in problems. We might not like the fact that the economy is in a recession, our job is in jeopardy, our son or daughter is marrying the wrong person, or someone we love has a chemical problem. However, ignoring these facts will only make a bad situation worse. Ignoring facts is just another word for denial, the hallmark of addiction. When facts and preconceptions conflict, the latter must be modified.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/14/2008
Hard Work and Simple Solutions - Simple solutions are not always correct. There is a cartoon that shows a child sitting on Santa Claus's knee. The child asks, 'Why can't you just legalize being naughty?' This is the way some young people may think. They feel everything should be legalized: marijuana, heroin, cocaine. While Prohibition was a failure, it is also evident that legalizing alcohol has not eliminated the disastrous consequences of alcoholism. What are needed in our culture are more self-restraint and self-discipline. Unfortunately, while the voices for legalizing drugs are loud, advocates of self-restraint are few and far between. Self-restraint is not a popular message. Recovering people have learned the hard way that only discipline prevents self-destruction. It would be well if society appreciated this and made a greater effort to avoid simple solutions.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/15/2008
Are You Missing Something? - I have often heard people say, 'I never drink to get high, only to feel normal.' What is normal? We make assumptions about what is normal based on our observations of other people. We see people smiling, apparently working satisfactorily at their jobs. They seem to have a pleasant relationship with their spouse or partner. If we don't feel like smiling-or are frustrated with our job, or are not getting along well with our spouse or partner-we feel cheated. 'Why don't I have what other people have?' we ask. A recovering person said, 'I always compared my insides to other people's outsides.' People may indeed be smiling although they do not feel like smiling; they may not be showing their dissatisfaction with their job; and their domestic relationshp may not be as it seems in public. Most people feel no more and no less satisfaction or frustration than you do. If you are not aware of this it is because you are comparing your 'insides' with other people's 'outsides.'

[janbear]

Quote for 4/16/2008
How Can We Remain Indifferent? - Hatred is a despicable emotion. Indifference is even worse. If we argue with someone and she does not respond, we find it more annoying than if she would overtly disagree with us. Why? Because even a hostile response acknowledges our existence, whereas ignoring a person is essentially saying, 'You don't count at all.' People crave acknowledgment. Remember the class clown who was repeatedly evicted from the classroom? He was willing to accept rebuke and ridicule because of his desperate need to call attention to himself. We may not realize that people have been offended when we fail to notice them. It takes so little effort to make people feel good. A pleasant greeting, an offer of a cup of coffee, an inquiry whether they might need a ride home. Probably we have all experienced the displeasure of being ignored. Let us avoid doing this to others. Little things can mean so much.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/17/2008
Stooping to New Lows - We behave according to our self-worth. In a discussion of the U.S. economy, it was mentioned that the dollar had fallen to an all-time low. Someone commented that, regardless of how low the dollar fell, it would never fall so low that people won't stoop to pick it up. If you drop a coin in the mud, and you are wearing a fine garment, you are unlikely to risk getting soiled in order to retrieve the coin. You recognize that you cannot get into the mud without getting dirty. Yet when it comes to decency , people may stoop very low to earn a dollar. Either they do not recognize that stooping to unethical behavior will soil their character, or they think so little of themselves that they do not see anything wrong with getting dirty. We do things during active addiction that are beneath our dignity , probably because we do not feel dignified. As we recover, our increased sense of self-worth not only prevents our relapse into chemical use but also disallows all indecent and unethical behavior.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/18/2008
Out of Control - Control is an important issue in addiction. The incidence of chemical dependency , especially among young people, is probably greater today than in the past. When travel was primarily by horse and buggy, the driver did not actually control the horse, but by pulling on the reins he coerced the horse to choose to turn. Today's driver does not make the car choose, but he actually controls its direction. Little children enjoy toys with remote controls. Scientists at the space center control the movements of a satellite a billion miles away. Technology has provided us with unprecedented controls. We have come to believe in our ability to control everything. This contributes to the delusion that we can also control chemicals. We should not let technology delude us. We cannot control our use of chemicals.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/19/2008
The Difference Between Need and Desire - What are our real needs? The philosopher Immanuel Kant, upon seeing a display of items in a shop window, said, 'I never knew there are so many things I can get along without.' Most people are preoccupied with their needs. It would be to our advantage if we thought more about how many of these things we do not need. If we look at our belongings, we are likely to find things we rarely use, yet when we bought them we were certain we needed them. The idea 'I need' is one that often escapes our critical judgment. We often want many things we do not really need. An alcoholic once said, 'I never drank unless I thought it was exactly what I needed to do at just that moment.' There is a difference between 'I want,' and 'I need.' The recovery program teaches us to say, 'I really don't need this chemical today. Whether I will need it tomorrow, I can decide tomorrow.' When we turn our lives over to the will of a Higher Power, we can eliminate those things we want that are destructive, and concentrate on our constructive needs.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/20/2008
An 'All or Nothing' Struggle - Only 100 percent will work. Chemicals are indeed enemies, and they are cunning. In addiction, chemicals may look for any possible entry. The addiction may cause insomnia, pain, or anxiety - all in order to get us to take an addictive chemical. Our only defense against relapse is to block all portals of entry . Any opening, any side door, any weakness in the wall, can provide a means of entry. The statement 'half measures avail us nothing' may be taken to mean that three-quarter measures will work. The fact is that anything less than 100 percent is fraught with risk. The I percent unguarded point is a point of entry. This is why we must remain in contact with the program indefinitely and practice its principles in all our affairs. The one time we do not practice the principles of recovery is our Achilles' heel of relapse.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/21/2008
Excuses Get Us Nowhere - 'No one has ever excused his way to success.' Perhaps it is a carryover from the notes we brought our grade-school teachers to explain our absences, but many people believe that excuses have value in life. But as any authority on how to succeed has pointed out, no one has ever achieved success via the avenue of excuses. Recovering people do not need to be taught this. If a Nobel Prize were given for excellence in rationalization, addicts would win hands down. No one can concoct as many excuses as an addict. These champions can also testify to the futility of even the most ingenious excuse. Good performance and responsible behavior are what succeed. Poor performance and irresponsibility always fail. Recovering people know this, but a reminder never hurts.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/22/2008
Be wise Enough to Ask for Help - A Danish proverb: Better to ask twice than to lose your way once. With some automobile drivers, it is a matter of pride. They will not stop to ask directions, insisting they know the way. Only after they are undeniably lost do they swallow their pride and discover they had been driving in the wrong direction. It is annoying when a failure to ask for guidance wastes time and gasoline. But it is more serious when we have gone the wrong direction in life, and some of our mistakes are irreversible. Career and marriage are important decisions, but they are not the only major decisions in life. Everyone can benefit from guidance. Recovering addicts are convincing instructors of the importance of asking for guidance, rather than assuming that we know it all. Wisdom is not in knowing everything but in knowing when to ask.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/23/2008
Recovering Our Emotions - Communication is the ability to also hear what is not being said. Our minds comprise two parts: intellect and emotions. We communicate to and from the intellect with words, but emotional messages are communicated nonverbally through eye contact, gestures and tone inflection. Chemicals affect the emotions first, so it is possible to continue communicating intellectually even after the emotional transmitter and receiver have been disabled. During active addiction it is possible to function intellectually even after the emotional transmitter and receiver have been disabled. During active addiction it is possible to function intellectually-- give lectures, perform operations, try cases, audit books--though all emotional contact has ceased. When we recover, we restore the emotional system and can resume full communication. We might not always be pleased with those emotional communications, and that is why there is always a risk of relapse. But as recovery progresses, we learn how to deal with emotions, and we can then enjoy total communication.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/24/2008
A Model for Life - Table tennis can be a model for life. Behavior consists of action and reaction. Sometimes we initiate action, and other times we react to what someone else does. In the addicted family, both action and reaction become grossly distorted. In playing Ping-Pong, when I serve I direct the ball where I want it to go, with whatever force I choose. After five serves, I surrender this advantage to the other player. When he hits the ball to me, I return it as effectively as possible, but now I am reacting. Those are the rules of the game. In the addicted family, people do not abide by the rules. Some people always want to serve, and others - always want to react. This is the pattern in codependence, when the addict claims all the serves and the codependent only reacts. We have control over our serves, but not how the other player responds. In the addicted family, some people think that they control not only what they do but also the other person's response, and they are frustrated when the other person does not react the way they wish. In real life we need to analyze whether we are serving or returning the serve. We need to be aware that, regardless of how we hit the ball, we can never control how the other person is going to return it.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/25/2008
Accept Yourself and You'll Accept Others - How we relate to others depends greatly on how we feel about ourselves. If we react to character defects in ourselves by realizing that they are part of our human makeup, and that we need to improve upon them, we are likely to give others this same consideration. If we condemn ourselves for every fault, we are likely to be hypercritical of others. If we think of ourselves as likable, we are not apt to become jealous. When we think badly of ourselves, we may feel that our spouses are looking elsewhere. After all, how could they possibly be satisfied with our meager companionship and love? If we think poorly of ourselves, we expect people to reject us, and we will avoid this rejection by isolating ourselves. Or if we believe rejection is inevitable, we avoid the suspense by precipitating the rejection. These are just a few examples of how we can be hostile and behave badly toward others because we don't like ourselves. By improving our self-esteem we discover that we not only like ourselves more but that we like other people much more than we had thought.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/26/2008
Freedom Brings Responsibility - The psychological problems that complicate addiction began long before use of chemicals. It has been said that it is easy to take liberty for granted when you have never had it taken from you. Inasmuch as we lose freedom and become a slave to addiction, why don't addicts feel deprived of the precious freedom they once had? The answer is that many addicts never experienced freedom even before they began using chemicals. They may have been subject to compulsions, to rigid habits, to an inability to say no, to being dominated by others, or to any life-style that did not allow freedom of thought and action. When chemicals came along, they just took their place alongside the other problems. For many addicts, recovery is the first taste of liberty. As wonderful as this is, it carries the responsibility of making decisions, of weighing options, and of considering many factors before choosing what to do. Of course freedom is better, but it is not always easy, and we must always beware the tendency to fall back on what is easier, even when it is to our detriment.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/27/2008
Attitude Adjustments - The philosopher William James said, 'The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude.' Many people think that changing their life requires major upheavals, such as relocating, changing jobs, getting married or divorced. Not so. The circumstances can remain exactly as they are. A radical change in our life can come about simply by changing our attitude. A recovering person once said, 'I discovered my attitude was that my family was to give me everything my parents did. When my wife did not do somersaults over every little accomplishment of mine, I was offended. When she did not dote on me when I was sick the way my parents did, I became irate. I was being mistreated. When my attitude changed and I realized she was my wife and not my mother, I stopped my bizarre behavior.' We often bring inappropriate attitudes to addiction. If we change these when we become sober, our lives become much more livable.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/28/2008
Make Peace With Yourself - We are important to ourselves. A recovering person showed his sponsor a list of everyone to whom he would make amends, and was told the list was incomplete. He was perplexed. How could the sponsor know whom he had offended? 'You forgot to put yourself at the top of the list,', the sponsor said. Even if we were totally isolated, and had never harmed anyone else, chemical use certainly harms ourselves. All the amends in the world are inadequate for full recovery unless we realize that we have no right whatever to damage ourselves. Coming into recovery , we may not feel very good about ourselves. The most brilliant and dazzling diamond does not look beautiful when it is first drawn from the mine. It needs to be polished so that its beauty and value can be perceived and appreciated by all. That must happen in recovery. We must make amends to ourselves for having injured something so valuable as ourselves.

[admin]

Quote for 4/29/2008
Can You Become a New Person? - Twenty years ago, a speaker began his talk by saying, 'The man I was drank; the man I was will drink again.' Abstinence from chemicals without a change in character leads to use of chemicals again. Some people express the anxiety that sobriety will result in a new personality. 'What is this new personality going to be like? How will I adjust to being a new person? How will my spouse adjust to this new person?' Observing successful recoveries in AA or NA, Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, can provide reassurance. A miraculous transformation occurs when a lowly caterpillar spins a cocoon and later a graceful butterfly emerges. The transformation of a chemically dependent person into a sober person is no less miraculous. I recently had the pleasure of attending the fortieth anniversary of sobriety for the speaker mentioned above. He indeed has undergone a miraculous transformation.

[janbear]

Quote for 4/30/2008
Don't Be Afraid of Real Sorrow - Recovery concepts are sometimes grossly distorted. A woman with years of sobriety related the difficulties she experienced during her husband's illness and following his death. She stated, 'I put on the best front I can at work. I guess I'm not working the program well.' She felt she was derelict because she was feeling sorry for herself. Some people in the program told her that she must learn how to be happy all the time. This is a distortion of the program's teachings. AA and NA are programs of reality , and grieving for the loss of a loved one is reality. The program does not disapprove of normal emotions. But when a person experiences setbacks because of chemical use, such as the breakup of a marriage or the loss of a job, and says, 'Poor me! Why do these things happen to me?' that is what is meant by a 'pity party.' The program is critical of feeling sorry for yourself and blaming everyone else for the consequences of your addictive behavior. However, when you feel genuine grief from loss of a loved one, that is a healthy emotion. We must be careful not to distort the wonderful ideas of the program. When in doubt, check with senior people in sobriety who can tell you what these concepts really mean.

[janbear]

Quote for 5/1/2008
The Joy of Giving - Helping others is self-help. Pain is all-encompassing. If we have a severe toothache we think of nothing else. This is equally true of emotional pain. If we are deeply depressed, there is nothing that can divert our attention. We have seen people struggling to overcome the impulse to drink or use chemicals, depressed by a disruption of the family, loss of job, or trouble with the law-all incident to their addictions. Yet when faced with someone who is in addictive trouble, they are open, empathic, receptive, and willing to help. When suffering people are so willing to help others, they are distracted from their own distress. This is the magic of the Twelve Step program. It enables us to look outside of ourselves. If more people would reach out and help someone instead of retreating into self-pity when they are in the throes of misery, the world would be a much more pleasant place to live.

[janbear]

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Quote for 5/2/2008
Restraint is Often the Best Response - Patience can help avoid distress. I once pulled into a parking lot, and being fifth in a procession, was annoyed that the lead car was moving at a snail's pace. The driver in front of me tooted angrily. Although tempted to pound on the horn, I decided not to add to the noise. When the lead car pulled into a parking space, I saw the handicap symbol on its license plate. I felt badly that I had harbored angry feelings at a handicapped person who was searching for the nearest place to park. I was grateful that I had restrained myself from sounding the horn. While we may make amends for having offended someone, it would be so much better if we could avoid the incident in the first place. This is possible if we delay our reaction, rather than behave in a knee-jerk fashion. What a peaceful night's sleep we would have if we could retire with the thought 'There is not one thing I did today that I regret having done.' For many people, this would eliminate the need for sedatives.

[janbear]

Quote for 5/3/2008
The Difference Between Knowledge and Wisdom - Knowledge is not enough. A competent therapist discovered that his daughter was using cocaine. He reacted like any other parent, with the usual combination of denial, rationalization, projection, anger, and attempt to control, although he would have counseled other parents to act differently. The reason? He counseled other parents with his knowledge, but he reacted to his own child with his emotions. Knowledge resides in the conscious part of our mind and emotion in the unconscious. The two do not always function in harmony. Emotions are powerful. They may also be misleading, regardless of how knowledgeable we are. Thus, we may not act constructively. It is as unwise to be your own addiction counselor as to be your own doctor or lawyer. That is why we need outside expertise to guide us, whether it is in regard to ourselves or to someone we love.

[janbear]

Quote for 5/4/2008
Greatness Comes with Humility - Gratitude results in humility. A person who receives a Divine favor may consider himself superior to others, and become arrogant instead of humble. Rarely is such a person grateful to God. Indeed, he may think God as fortunate in having so wonderful a subject! If we recognize Divine providence and realize that we are the beneficiaries of God's kindnesses, we become closer to Him. Standing in the eminent presence of the Infinite makes us feel very small indeed. This humility and self-effacement is in no way demeaning. To the contrary , the privilege of being a subject to the Great Sovereign is edifying. The measure of a person's greatness is in his ability to be grateful and humble.

[janbear]

Quote for 5/5/2008
Mental Vigilance - If something is really important, it never leaves our mind. Nursing mothers are the world's soundest sleepers and will not be woken by the loudest thunder. Yet just a whimper from the infant will promptly arouse them. This is because mothers are conditioned to respond to their baby's needs. Whether in a deep sleep or occupied in some activity , mothers remain in emotional contact with their baby. The person to whom sobriety is of preeminent importance may be occupied in some activity, not thinking about sobriety . However, should anything occur to threaten that sobriety , there is an immediate arousal and a recall of all that is necessary to protect the sobriety. Devotion to AA and NA principles need not divert us from our normal functions any more than a mother's devotion to her infant prevents her from engaging in other activities.

[janbear]

Quote for 5/6/2008
Know When to Relax - It has been said that the most important time to relax is when we have no time to relax. But what can we do if we are so busy that we cannot take the time to relax? Just consider priorities. A tourist who was told that there were no vacancies at a motel said to the manager, 'If the president came here tonight you would find a room for him, wouldn't you?' 'Well, 0f course,' the manager said. 'Good! The president isn't coming, so you can give me that room.' If we had a heart attack, we would have the time to rest. So let us use the time that we would have used for recuperation for healthy relaxation instead. If we make relaxation a priority, we will find the time for it.

[janbear]

Quote for 5/7/2008
Don't Place Yourself in Harm's Way - There is good reason to change 'people, places, and things.' We consider addiction a disease. Further, we dispute people who consider it a self-inflicted disease. Indeed, there is evidence that addiction is strongly influenced by genetics and biology, and not self-inflicted. Yet we cannot absolve ourselves of all responsibility. The person who is blown off the roof by a powerful wind must have been standing near the edge, in a hazardous position. The people, places, and things that were associated with our alcohol or drug use are hazardous to our sobriety , and we should not expose ourselves to these dangers. Similarly, we cannot claim that our improper behavior was due to circumstances if we knowingly placed ourselves in those circumstances.

[janbear]

Quote for 5/8/2008
It Takes More Than Just Drugs to Make an Addict - The real difference between chemical1y dependent and nondependent people is that the former use chemicals and the latter do not. This is not being facetious. The question is often asked whether there is a personality profile for an addict. Could a thorough psychological evaluation predict who will become an addict? The answer is that there is nothing in the psychological makeup of the preaddict that distinguishes him or her from the nonaddict. When addicts discontinue their use of chemicals, they are nevertheless vulnerable to the same errors in adjusting to life as during addiction. This is why continued involvement in the recovery program is essential. Complacency and failure to work the program can allow a recurrence of the same errors of omission or commission in sobriety that we had during active addiction.

[janbear]

Quote for 5/9/2008
Unreasonable Desires Can Be Deadly - Endless pursuits can be lethal. Seeking sobriety from chemicals can indeed help us find serenity . Addiction to chemicals has shown us that some of our desires can be insatiable. The quantity of chemicals we needed constantly increased, until 'enough' constituted a lethal dose. But as we recover, we apply this knowledge to other desires, whether for food, money, sex, or acclaim. There is the fable of a greedy person who found a magic purse. Whenever he took out a dollar, another dollar appeared in its place. Several days later he was found dead among a huge pile of dollars. His greed obscured his need for food or water and he died of starvation, driven by his desire to get just one more dollar. Recovery from addiction has taught us that some desires can be deadly.

[janbear]

Quote for 5/10/2008
Fellowship Can Remove Many Barriers - Fellowship enhances serenity. Many people pursue individual goals, often pushing others out of the way. When they reach their goal, they discover that they are alone. They must enjoy their achievement in absolute solitude because they have alienated others along the way. Many chemically addicted people are loners. They associate with others only when obtunded by chemicals. But recovery enables us to escape from the confinements we have built to protect us from others. These walls became a prison in which we trapped ourselves. The recovery fellowship allows us to share with others-to help and to be helped-and we thereby escape from our prison to serenity .

[janbear]

Quote for 5/11/2008
Understanding Destructive Behavior - Exercise care in interpreting others' behavior. An adolescent whose antics caused his parents a great deal of aggravation was given psychological tests, one of which included sentence completions. He completed a sentence that began 'I wish...' with the words 'that my parents knew how much I love them.� This young man's behavior hardly indicated love for his parents. However, recovering addicts can understand this because they know the pain of having hurt those whom they loved. Destructive behavior cannot be tolerated, regardless of the motivation. We may have to take firm measures in relating to people who behave this way. We should bear in mind, though, that just as tough love is well intended, behavior that is defiant may emanate from someone who nevertheless loves us.

[janbear]

Quote for 5/12/2008
Life is an Adventure - Life can be exciting. A great actress was excited on the last day of an extended run on Broadway. That day, she had thought of a new way to act the part. Her co-actors said, 'But this is the last day. The play has run its course.' Her enthusiasm was not dampened. 'There is still today.' The actress was excited about the one remaining performance as though there were to be a thousand more. This is the attitude that develops from living one day at a time. True, we cannot change the past, nor is there much that can be done about the future. But today is what really counts. When infants begin to crawl, they explore their environment looking for new things. Not burdened by the past or contemplating the future, they howl with glee at every new discovery. The past may weigh on our minds, and we tend to worry about the future. If only we could relieve ourselves of these burdens, we would be like the infant, enjoying every new thing. There are so many things to discover in life. Living one day at a time can help us make those discoveries.

[janbear]

Quote for 5/13/2008
Adjust to Reality - Someone said once that we want facts to fit our preconceptions. When they don't, it is easier to ignore the facts than to change the preconceptions. An optimum adjustment to reality can be made only if we perceive reality correctly. A distorted perception of reality invariably leads to maladjustment. Reality consists of hard facts, which exist whether we like them or not. Ignoring facts, for whatever reason, is going to result in problems. We might not like the fact that the economy is in a recession, our job is in jeopardy, our son or daughter is marrying the wrong person, or someone we love has a chemical problem. However, ignoring these facts will only make a bad situation worse. Ignoring facts is just another word for denial, the hallmark of addiction. When facts and preconceptions conflict, the latter must be modified.

[janbear]

Quote for 5/14/2008
Don't Allow Fear of Religion to Keep You From Recovery - The Twelve Step program advocates reliance on a Higher Power. A recently developed recovery program criticizes AA and NA as too God oriented and as fostering excessive dependency . Its advocates claim that this discourages people from recovery. Most addicts are discouraged by the AA and NA concept of absolute abstinence rather than by its philosophy. If a program advocated social drinking or recreational use, they would flock to it even if it were steeped in religious ritual. Some religiously devout people shun the Twelve Step program, while some avowed atheists follow it. No one in the program asks for evidence of attendance at church or synagogue. We choose anything or anyone we wish to serve as our Higher Power. Only time will reveal the effectiveness of this new approach. Since addiction is life-threatening, we should be cautious about unproven programs and view them in comparison to the one with more than a half-century track record.

[janbear]

Quote for 5/15/2008
Are You Missing Something? - I have often heard people say, 'I never drink to get high, only to feel normal.' What is normal? We make assumptions about what is normal based on our observations of other people. We see people smiling, apparently working satisfactorily at their jobs. They seem to have a pleasant relationship with their spouse or partner. If we don't feel like smiling-or are frustrated with our job, or are not getting along well with our spouse or partner-we feel cheated. 'Why don't I have what other people have?' we ask. A recovering person said, 'I always compared my insides to other people's outsides.' People may indeed be smiling although they do not feel like smiling; they may not be showing their dissatisfaction with their job; and their domestic relationshp may not be as it seems in public. Most people feel no more and no less satisfaction or frustration than you do. If you are not aware of this it is because you are comparing your 'insides' with other people's 'outsides.'

[janbear]

Quote for 5/16/2008
How Can We Remain Indifferent? - Hatred is a despicable emotion. Indifference is even worse. If we argue with someone and she does not respond, we find it more annoying than if she would overtly disagree with us. Why? Because even a hostile response acknowledges our existence, whereas ignoring a person is essentially saying, 'You don't count at all.' People crave acknowledgment. Remember the class clown who was repeatedly evicted from the classroom? He was willing to accept rebuke and ridicule because of his desperate need to call attention to himself. We may not realize that people have been offended when we fail to notice them. It takes so little effort to make people feel good. A pleasant greeting, an offer of a cup of coffee, an inquiry whether they might need a ride home. Probably we have all experienced the displeasure of being ignored. Let us avoid doing this to others. Little things can mean so much.

[janbear]

Quote for 5/17/2008
Stooping to New Lows - We behave according to our self-worth. In a discussion of the U.S. economy, it was mentioned that the dollar had fallen to an all-time low. Someone commented that, regardless of how low the dollar fell, it would never fall so low that people won't stoop to pick it up. If you drop a coin in the mud, and you are wearing a fine garment, you are unlikely to risk getting soiled in order to retrieve the coin. You recognize that you cannot get into the mud without getting dirty. Yet when it comes to decency , people may stoop very low to earn a dollar. Either they do not recognize that stooping to unethical behavior will soil their character, or they think so little of themselves that they do not see anything wrong with getting dirty. We do things during active addiction that are beneath our dignity , probably because we do not feel dignified. As we recover, our increased sense of self-worth not only prevents our relapse into chemical use but also disallows all indecent and unethical behavior.

[janbear]

Quote for 5/18/2008
Out of Control - Control is an important issue in addiction. The incidence of chemical dependency , especially among young people, is probably greater today than in the past. When travel was primarily by horse and buggy, the driver did not actually control the horse, but by pulling on the reins he coerced the horse to choose to turn. Today's driver does not make the car choose, but he actually controls its direction. Little children enjoy toys with remote controls. Scientists at the space center control the movements of a satellite a billion miles away. Technology has provided us with unprecedented controls. We have come to believe in our ability to control everything. This contributes to the delusion that we can also control chemicals. We should not let technology delude us. We cannot control our use of chemicals

[janbear]

Quote for 5/19/2008
The Difference Between Need and Desire - What are our real needs? The philosopher Immanuel Kant, upon seeing a display of items in a shop window, said, 'I never knew there are so many things I can get along without.' Most people are preoccupied with their needs. It would be to our advantage if we thought more about how many of these things we do not need. If we look at our belongings, we are likely to find things we rarely use, yet when we bought them we were certain we needed them. The idea 'I need' is one that often escapes our critical judgment. We often want many things we do not really need. An alcoholic once said, 'I never drank unless I thought it was exactly what I needed to do at just that moment.' There is a difference between 'I want,' and 'I need.' The recovery program teaches us to say, 'I really don't need this chemical today. Whether I will need it tomorrow, I can decide tomorrow.' When we turn our lives over to the will of a Higher Power, we can eliminate those things we want that are destructive, and concentrate on our constructive needs.

[janbear]

Quote for 5/20/2008
An 'All or Nothing' Struggle - Only 100 percent will work. Chemicals are indeed enemies, and they are cunning. In addiction, chemicals may look for any possible entry. The addiction may cause insomnia, pain, or anxiety - all in order to get us to take an addictive chemical. Our only defense against relapse is to block all portals of entry . Any opening, any side door, any weakness in the wall, can provide a means of entry. The statement 'half measures avail us nothing' may be taken to mean that three-quarter measures will work. The fact is that anything less than 100 percent is fraught with risk. The I percent unguarded point is a point of entry. This is why we must remain in contact with the program indefinitely and practice its principles in all our affairs. The one time we do not practice the principles of recovery is our Achilles' heel of relapse.

[janbear]

Quote for 5/21/2008
Excuses Get Us Nowhere - 'No one has ever excused his way to success.' Perhaps it is a carryover from the notes we brought our grade-school teachers to explain our absences, but many people believe that excuses have value in life. But as any authority on how to succeed has pointed out, no one has ever achieved success via the avenue of excuses. Recovering people do not need to be taught this. If a Nobel Prize were given for excellence in rationalization, addicts would win hands down. No one can concoct as many excuses as an addict. These champions can also testify to the futility of even the most ingenious excuse. Good performance and responsible behavior are what succeed. Poor performance and irresponsibility always fail. Recovering people know this, but a reminder never hurts.

[janbear]

Quote for 5/22/2008
Be wise Enough to Ask for Help - A Danish proverb: Better to ask twice than to lose your way once. With some automobile drivers, it is a matter of pride. They will not stop to ask directions, insisting they know the way. Only after they are undeniably lost do they swallow their pride and discover they had been driving in the wrong direction. It is annoying when a failure to ask for guidance wastes time and gasoline. But it is more serious when we have gone the wrong direction in life, and some of our mistakes are irreversible. Career and marriage are important decisions, but they are not the only major decisions in life. Everyone can benefit from guidance. Recovering addicts are convincing instructors of the importance of asking for guidance, rather than assuming that we know it all. Wisdom is not in knowing everything but in knowing when to ask.

[admin]

Quote for 5/23/2008
You Can't Control the Future - What place does planning for the future have in recovery? Someone said: 'We shall surely suffer if we cast the whole idea of planning for tomorrow into a fastidious idea of providence. God's real providence has endowed us human beings with a considerable capability for foresight, and He evidently expects us to use it. Of course, we may often miscalculate the future in whole or in part, but that is better than to refuse to think at all.' Is it possible that the originator of this thought never heard of 'one day at a time'? This is a quote from Bill Wilson, who had a better grasp of the program than most people do. Failure to plan for the future is irresponsible, but there is a difference between planning for the future and trying to control the future. In active addiction we ignore the future, with an 'I don't give a **** ' attitude. In sobriety, we do whatever we can to the best of our ability, and then turn things over to a Higher Power.

[admin]

Quote for 5/24/2008
No One Owes Us Anything - Is feeling hurt always a 'pity party'? Feeling sorry for ourselves may be justified. The point is that we should not get stuck in a 'pity party' because, like quicksand, it can drag us down. No matter how bad things may be, failure to end a 'pity party' will only make bad things worse. We may think, 'The world has been unkind to me. It now must compensate me for my suffering.' We may then wait for good luck to come knocking at the door, and be very angry at the world for not delivering what we think we deserve. No one owes you anything. If your home was blown away by a tornado, that is no one's fault. Fortunately, many people pitch in during times of misfortune, but they don't owe it to you. If they don't fulfill your expectations, you have no right to be resentful. Feeling hurt is understandable, but we must move on in life.

[admin]

Quote for 5/25/2008
Futile Gestures - Recovery teaches us to avoid futile reactions. When I was taking driving lessons, the car in front of me abruptly stopped, and I screamed. The instructor, who was able to maintain calm under stress, said softly, 'If you think screaming will stop this car, go right ahead. My suggestion is that you apply the brakes.' I think of his words often. What good could my screaming have done? Had I relied on screaming, I would have hit the car, possibly injuring myself and others. As a learning driver, I had not yet adopted the correct response of applying the brakes. This is similar to taking a chemical in response to stress. It is not only futile but, if we allow it to substitute for the correct reaction, will bring negative consequences-similar to my screaming in order to stop the car. Recovering people have learned to avoid useless reflex responses, and to do whatever it takes to get the job done. This is why the most efficient physicians, nurses, attorneys, laborers, and homemakers often are recovering persons. As we dispense with futile attempts to solve problems by chemicals, we also discard other ineffective responses.

[janbear]

Quote for 5/26/2008
Freedom Brings Responsibility - The psychological problems that complicate addiction began long before use of chemicals. It has been said that it is easy to take liberty for granted when you have never had it taken from you. Inasmuch as we lose freedom and become a slave to addiction, why don't addicts feel deprived of the precious freedom they once had? The answer is that many addicts never experienced freedom even before they began using chemicals. They may have been subject to compulsions, to rigid habits, to an inability to say no, to being dominated by others, or to any life-style that did not allow freedom of thought and action. When chemicals came along, they just took their place alongside the other problems. For many addicts, recovery is the first taste of liberty. As wonderful as this is, it carries the responsibility of making decisions, of weighing options, and of considering many factors before choosing what to do. Of course freedom is better, but it is not always easy, and we must always beware the tendency to fall back on what is easier, even when it is to our detriment.

[janbear]

Quote for 5/27/2008
Attitude Adjustments - The philosopher William James said, 'The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude.' Many people think that changing their life requires major upheavals, such as relocating, changing jobs, getting married or divorced. Not so. The circumstances can remain exactly as they are. A radical change in our life can come about simply by changing our attitude. A recovering person once said, 'I discovered my attitude was that my family was to give me everything my parents did. When my wife did not do somersaults over every little accomplishment of mine, I was offended. When she did not dote on me when I was sick the way my parents did, I became irate. I was being mistreated. When my attitude changed and I realized she was my wife and not my mother, I stopped my bizarre behavior.' We often bring inappropriate attitudes to addiction. If we change these when we become sober, our lives become much more livable.

[janbear]

Quote for 5/28/2008
Make Peace With Yourself - We are important to ourselves. A recovering person showed his sponsor a list of everyone to whom he would make amends, and was told the list was incomplete. He was perplexed. How could the sponsor know whom he had offended? 'You forgot to put yourself at the top of the list,', the sponsor said. Even if we were totally isolated, and had never harmed anyone else, chemical use certainly harms ourselves. All the amends in the world are inadequate for full recovery unless we realize that we have no right whatever to damage ourselves. Coming into recovery , we may not feel very good about ourselves. The most brilliant and dazzling diamond does not look beautiful when it is first drawn from the mine. It needs to be polished so that its beauty and value can be perceived and appreciated by all. That must happen in recovery. We must make amends to ourselves for having injured something so valuable as ourselves.

[janbear]

Quote for 5/29/2008
It's Not Always Easy to Take Advice - Profiting from good advice requires more wisdom than giving advice. It is fascinating to observe others in the recovery program. People with the least experience are fountains of advice, whereas seasoned veterans often sit quietly. Although they gladly respond to questions, they do not volunteer advice. For those seeking guidance, therefore, look among those who are maintaining their silence. Accepting good advice is not easy. Very often we must make some major modifications in our life-style to achieve sobriety . But if what we are instructed to do is not inconvenient, we should suspect its authenticity. Veterans in the recovery program say, 'Just listen and do as you're told.' No one likes to hear this, but it is good advice. The behavior of active addiction was largely doing what we wanted to do, rather than what we should do. Recovery requires a reversal of this.

[janbear]

Quote for 5/30/2008
Don't Be Afraid of Real Sorrow - Recovery concepts are sometimes grossly distorted. A woman with years of sobriety related the difficulties she experienced during her husband's illness and following his death. She stated, 'I put on the best front I can at work. I guess I'm not working the program well.' She felt she was derelict because she was feeling sorry for herself. Some people in the program told her that she must learn how to be happy all the time. This is a distortion of the program's teachings. AA and NA are programs of reality , and grieving for the loss of a loved one is reality. The program does not disapprove of normal emotions. But when a person experiences setbacks because of chemical use, such as the breakup of a marriage or the loss of a job, and says, 'Poor me! Why do these things happen to me?' that is what is meant by a 'pity party.' The program is critical of feeling sorry for yourself and blaming everyone else for the consequences of your addictive behavior. However, when you feel genuine grief from loss of a loved one, that is a healthy emotion. We must be careful not to distort the wonderful ideas of the program. When in doubt, check with senior people in sobriety who can tell you what these concepts really mean.

[janbear]

Quote for 5/31/2008
Fear Can Destroy You - Fear is not only an effect of distress but may also cause distress. If we were asked to walk on a plank set on the floor, we would have little difficulty doing so. If that same plank were suspended high in the air, the fear of falling might be so great and cause such anxiety that we could not keep our balance. The fear would actually cause us to fall. This phenomenon is true of chemical relapse as well. We may be so terrified of relapse, and work ourselves into so intense a state of panic, that we are driven to take a chemical for relief. This can also occur with any task where we fear failure. Many bright students have failed exams because their minds went blank owing to the fear of not doing well. Easy does it. Putting things in their proper perspective, taking a challenge one bit at a time, and trusting in our Higher Power can help us avoid the destructive panic.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/1/2008
The Joy of Giving - Helping others is self-help. Pain is all-encompassing. If we have a severe toothache we think of nothing else. This is equally true of emotional pain. If we are deeply depressed, there is nothing that can divert our attention. We have seen people struggling to overcome the impulse to drink or use chemicals, depressed by a disruption of the family, loss of job, or trouble with the law-all incident to their addictions. Yet when faced with someone who is in addictive trouble, they are open, empathic, receptive, and willing to help. When suffering people are so willing to help others, they are distracted from their own distress. This is the magic of the Twelve Step program. It enables us to look outside of ourselves. If more people would reach out and help someone instead of retreating into self-pity when they are in the throes of misery, the world would be a much more pleasant place to live.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/2/2008
Restraint is Often the Best Response - Patience can help avoid distress. I once pulled into a parking lot, and being fifth in a procession, was annoyed that the lead car was moving at a snail's pace. The driver in front of me tooted angrily. Although tempted to pound on the horn, I decided not to add to the noise. When the lead car pulled into a parking space, I saw the handicap symbol on its license plate. I felt badly that I had harbored angry feelings at a handicapped person who was searching for the nearest place to park. I was grateful that I had restrained myself from sounding the horn. While we may make amends for having offended someone, it would be so much better if we could avoid the incident in the first place. This is possible if we delay our reaction, rather than behave in a knee-jerk fashion. What a peaceful night's sleep we would have if we could retire with the thought 'There is not one thing I did today that I regret having done.' For many people, this would eliminate the need for sedatives.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/3/2008
The Difference Between Knowledge and Wisdom - Knowledge is not enough. A competent therapist discovered that his daughter was using cocaine. He reacted like any other parent, with the usual combination of denial, rationalization, projection, anger, and attempt to control, although he would have counseled other parents to act differently. The reason? He counseled other parents with his knowledge, but he reacted to his own child with his emotions. Knowledge resides in the conscious part of our mind and emotion in the unconscious. The two do not always function in harmony. Emotions are powerful. They may also be misleading, regardless of how knowledgeable we are. Thus, we may not act constructively. It is as unwise to be your own addiction counselor as to be your own doctor or lawyer. That is why we need outside expertise to guide us, whether it is in regard to ourselves or to someone we love.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/4/2008
Greatness Comes with Humility - Gratitude results in humility. A person who receives a Divine favor may consider himself superior to others, and become arrogant instead of humble. Rarely is such a person grateful to God. Indeed, he may think God as fortunate in having so wonderful a subject! If we recognize Divine providence and realize that we are the beneficiaries of God's kindnesses, we become closer to Him. Standing in the eminent presence of the Infinite makes us feel very small indeed. This humility and self-effacement is in no way demeaning. To the contrary , the privilege of being a subject to the Great Sovereign is edifying. The measure of a person's greatness is in his ability to be grateful and humble.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/5/2008
Mental Vigilance - If something is really important, it never leaves our mind. Nursing mothers are the world's soundest sleepers and will not be woken by the loudest thunder. Yet just a whimper from the infant will promptly arouse them. This is because mothers are conditioned to respond to their baby's needs. Whether in a deep sleep or occupied in some activity , mothers remain in emotional contact with their baby. The person to whom sobriety is of preeminent importance may be occupied in some activity, not thinking about sobriety . However, should anything occur to threaten that sobriety , there is an immediate arousal and a recall of all that is necessary to protect the sobriety. Devotion to AA and NA principles need not divert us from our normal functions any more than a mother's devotion to her infant prevents her from engaging in other activities.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/6/2008
Know When to Relax - It has been said that the most important time to relax is when we have no time to relax. But what can we do if we are so busy that we cannot take the time to relax? Just consider priorities. A tourist who was told that there were no vacancies at a motel said to the manager, 'If the president came here tonight you would find a room for him, wouldn't you?' 'Well, 0f course,' the manager said. 'Good! The president isn't coming, so you can give me that room.' If we had a heart attack, we would have the time to rest. So let us use the time that we would have used for recuperation for healthy relaxation instead. If we make relaxation a priority, we will find the time for it.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/7/2008
Don't Place Yourself in Harm's Way - There is good reason to change 'people, places, and things.' We consider addiction a disease. Further, we dispute people who consider it a self-inflicted disease. Indeed, there is evidence that addiction is strongly influenced by genetics and biology, and not self-inflicted. Yet we cannot absolve ourselves of all responsibility. The person who is blown off the roof by a powerful wind must have been standing near the edge, in a hazardous position. The people, places, and things that were associated with our alcohol or drug use are hazardous to our sobriety , and we should not expose ourselves to these dangers. Similarly, we cannot claim that our improper behavior was due to circumstances if we knowingly placed ourselves in those circumstances.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/8/2008
It Takes More Than Just Drugs to Make an Addict - The real difference between chemical1y dependent and nondependent people is that the former use chemicals and the latter do not. This is not being facetious. The question is often asked whether there is a personality profile for an addict. Could a thorough psychological evaluation predict who will become an addict? The answer is that there is nothing in the psychological makeup of the preaddict that distinguishes him or her from the nonaddict. When addicts discontinue their use of chemicals, they are nevertheless vulnerable to the same errors in adjusting to life as during addiction. This is why continued involvement in the recovery program is essential. Complacency and failure to work the program can allow a recurrence of the same errors of omission or commission in sobriety that we had during active addiction.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/9/2008
Unreasonable Desires Can Be Deadly - Endless pursuits can be lethal. Seeking sobriety from chemicals can indeed help us find serenity . Addiction to chemicals has shown us that some of our desires can be insatiable. The quantity of chemicals we needed constantly increased, until 'enough' constituted a lethal dose. But as we recover, we apply this knowledge to other desires, whether for food, money, sex, or acclaim. There is the fable of a greedy person who found a magic purse. Whenever he took out a dollar, another dollar appeared in its place. Several days later he was found dead among a huge pile of dollars. His greed obscured his need for food or water and he died of starvation, driven by his desire to get just one more dollar. Recovery from addiction has taught us that some desires can be deadly.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/10/2008
Fellowship Can Remove Many Barriers - Fellowship enhances serenity. Many people pursue individual goals, often pushing others out of the way. When they reach their goal, they discover that they are alone. They must enjoy their achievement in absolute solitude because they have alienated others along the way. Many chemically addicted people are loners. They associate with others only when obtunded by chemicals. But recovery enables us to escape from the confinements we have built to protect us from others. These walls became a prison in which we trapped ourselves. The recovery fellowship allows us to share with others-to help and to be helped-and we thereby escape from our prison to serenity .

[janbear]

Quote for 6/11/2008
Understanding Destructive Behavior - Exercise care in interpreting others' behavior. An adolescent whose antics caused his parents a great deal of aggravation was given psychological tests, one of which included sentence completions. He completed a sentence that began 'I wish...' with the words 'that my parents knew how much I love them.� This young man's behavior hardly indicated love for his parents. However, recovering addicts can understand this because they know the pain of having hurt those whom they loved. Destructive behavior cannot be tolerated, regardless of the motivation. We may have to take firm measures in relating to people who behave this way. We should bear in mind, though, that just as tough love is well intended, behavior that is defiant may emanate from someone who nevertheless loves us.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/12/2008
Denying the Obvious - Addictive thinking includes strange denials. A compulsive gambler who had been economically ruined by gambling twice previously this time lost his family as well as his fortune. Yet he was adamant in his ability to win, stating, 'I have a system that is guaranteed to beat the horses.' His therapist asked, 'How can you say that? This is the third time you have been wiped out and are in total ruin.' The gambler answered, 'I have a winning system, but when I get to the track I get so excited that I don't put my system into operation. When I put the system into function, I know I will win.' Can you think 0� anything so insane as a person in total ruin still believing that he is a winner? And planning to continue the same activities that brought on his disaster? Whether it is gambling, chemicals, food, or sex, the story is always the same: the addict has an ingenious way of denying the obvious.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/13/2008
Adjust to Reality - Someone said once that we want facts to fit our preconceptions. When they don't, it is easier to ignore the facts than to change the preconceptions. An optimum adjustment to reality can be made only if we perceive reality correctly. A distorted perception of reality invariably leads to maladjustment. Reality consists of hard facts, which exist whether we like them or not. Ignoring facts, for whatever reason, is going to result in problems. We might not like the fact that the economy is in a recession, our job is in jeopardy, our son or daughter is marrying the wrong person, or someone we love has a chemical problem. However, ignoring these facts will only make a bad situation worse. Ignoring facts is just another word for denial, the hallmark of addiction. When facts and preconceptions conflict, the latter must be modified.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/14/2008
Hard Work and Simple Solutions - Simple solutions are not always correct. There is a cartoon that shows a child sitting on Santa Claus's knee. The child asks, 'Why can't you just legalize being naughty?' This is the way some young people may think. They feel everything should be legalized: marijuana, heroin, cocaine. While Prohibition was a failure, it is also evident that legalizing alcohol has not eliminated the disastrous consequences of alcoholism. What are needed in our culture are more self-restraint and self-discipline. Unfortunately, while the voices for legalizing drugs are loud, advocates of self-restraint are few and far between. Self-restraint is not a popular message. Recovering people have learned the hard way that only discipline prevents self-destruction. It would be well if society appreciated this and made a greater effort to avoid simple solutions.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/15/2008
Are You Missing Something? - I have often heard people say, 'I never drink to get high, only to feel normal.' What is normal? We make assumptions about what is normal based on our observations of other people. We see people smiling, apparently working satisfactorily at their jobs. They seem to have a pleasant relationship with their spouse or partner. If we don't feel like smiling-or are frustrated with our job, or are not getting along well with our spouse or partner-we feel cheated. 'Why don't I have what other people have?' we ask. A recovering person said, 'I always compared my insides to other people's outsides.' People may indeed be smiling although they do not feel like smiling; they may not be showing their dissatisfaction with their job; and their domestic relationshp may not be as it seems in public. Most people feel no more and no less satisfaction or frustration than you do. If you are not aware of this it is because you are comparing your 'insides' with other people's 'outsides.'

[janbear]

Quote for 6/16/2008
How Can We Remain Indifferent? - Hatred is a despicable emotion. Indifference is even worse. If we argue with someone and she does not respond, we find it more annoying than if she would overtly disagree with us. Why? Because even a hostile response acknowledges our existence, whereas ignoring a person is essentially saying, 'You don't count at all.' People crave acknowledgment. Remember the class clown who was repeatedly evicted from the classroom? He was willing to accept rebuke and ridicule because of his desperate need to call attention to himself. We may not realize that people have been offended when we fail to notice them. It takes so little effort to make people feel good. A pleasant greeting, an offer of a cup of coffee, an inquiry whether they might need a ride home. Probably we have all experienced the displeasure of being ignored. Let us avoid doing this to others. Little things can mean so much.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/17/2008
Stooping to New Lows - We behave according to our self-worth. In a discussion of the U.S. economy, it was mentioned that the dollar had fallen to an all-time low. Someone commented that, regardless of how low the dollar fell, it would never fall so low that people won't stoop to pick it up. If you drop a coin in the mud, and you are wearing a fine garment, you are unlikely to risk getting soiled in order to retrieve the coin. You recognize that you cannot get into the mud without getting dirty. Yet when it comes to decency , people may stoop very low to earn a dollar. Either they do not recognize that stooping to unethical behavior will soil their character, or they think so little of themselves that they do not see anything wrong with getting dirty. We do things during active addiction that are beneath our dignity , probably because we do not feel dignified. As we recover, our increased sense of self-worth not only prevents our relapse into chemical use but also disallows all indecent and unethical behavior.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/18/2008
Out of Control - Control is an important issue in addiction. The incidence of chemical dependency , especially among young people, is probably greater today than in the past. When travel was primarily by horse and buggy, the driver did not actually control the horse, but by pulling on the reins he coerced the horse to choose to turn. Today's driver does not make the car choose, but he actually controls its direction. Little children enjoy toys with remote controls. Scientists at the space center control the movements of a satellite a billion miles away. Technology has provided us with unprecedented controls. We have come to believe in our ability to control everything. This contributes to the delusion that we can also control chemicals. We should not let technology delude us. We cannot control our use of chemicals.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/19/2008
The Difference Between Need and Desire - What are our real needs? The philosopher Immanuel Kant, upon seeing a display of items in a shop window, said, 'I never knew there are so many things I can get along without.' Most people are preoccupied with their needs. It would be to our advantage if we thought more about how many of these things we do not need. If we look at our belongings, we are likely to find things we rarely use, yet when we bought them we were certain we needed them. The idea 'I need' is one that often escapes our critical judgment. We often want many things we do not really need. An alcoholic once said, 'I never drank unless I thought it was exactly what I needed to do at just that moment.' There is a difference between 'I want,' and 'I need.' The recovery program teaches us to say, 'I really don't need this chemical today. Whether I will need it tomorrow, I can decide tomorrow.' When we turn our lives over to the will of a Higher Power, we can eliminate those things we want that are destructive, and concentrate on our constructive needs.

[admin]

Quote for 6/20/2008
We Can Always Use a Lift - People have told me that the message they heard one day (on the Dial-A-Sober-Thought telephone service) was exactly what they needed that particular day. I began to wonder, is this all providential, or could there be some other reason? Gradually I realized that whatever authentic message we hear about recovery or spirituality is going to meet our needs for that day-or for that matter, any day. Recovery is somewhat analogous to active addiction. A young man tried to be a controlled drinker, and gave his wife the keys to the liquor cabinet, saying, 'You give me a drink only when I need it.' The wife asked, 'How am I supposed to know when you need it?' 'No problem,' he said. 'Whenever you give it to me, I need it.' What is true of chemicals for the active addict is true of recovery material for the recovering person. There is always a need for a message that enhances self-esteem, helps shed resentments, or increases spirituality . Therefore, when you take hold of the program, much more comes along. Therefore, any thought about recovery can have a great effect.

[admin]

Quote for 6/21/2008
Is Addiction Insanity? - Why do AA and NA refer to addiction as insanity? After chemical use, we often behave destructively toward ourselves and others; and the aftermath is invariably misery, both physical and emotional. We frequently say, 'Never again,' yet the pattern recurs. Is this anything other than insane? It is important to conceptualize addiction as insanity. If we know that we are prone to episodes of insanity, we will make a maximum effort to prevent such episodes. We cannot rely on using good judgment when such an episode recurs; in a state of insanity , we do not have good judgment to use. How absurd to say, 'Next time I go insane, 1'11 avoid doing anything irrational.' Some physical diseases can be prevented by immunization or medication. Relapse of addiction is prevented by remaining involved in the recovery program. Delaying your program participation until you have relapsed is foolish.

[admin]

Quote for 6/22/2008
Character Growth and Sobriety - There is much research underway into brain activity. It is possible that scientists will soon discover the mechanism for our craving for chemicals. They may also develop the medications to eliminate this craving. Will there then no longer be a need for attending AA or NA meetings? Let us look at the 'dry drunk' syndrome: a person who has not had a chemical for years and does not crave, but is anything but emotionally well adjusted, manifesting all behavioral symptoms of the active addict except for using or craving. The latter are only two of the symptoms of addiction. If medical science finds an effective way to prevent intoxication, we may think we no longer have a problem, and will not seek help from a recovery program. If the research is successful, we may indeed have fewer instances of drunk driving and disorderly conduct. But we may well have many more dry drunks, or people who think they are perfectly healthy. The character defects of addiction can exist in abstinence of chemical use. Thus, the recovery program is necessary to enable us to make a better adjustment to life. Even with abstinence, we should continue the recovery program to ensure our character development and spiritual growth.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/23/2008
Recovering Our Emotions - Communication is the ability to also hear what is not being said. Our minds comprise two parts: intellect and emotions. We communicate to and from the intellect with words, but emotional messages are communicated nonverbally through eye contact, gestures and tone inflection. Chemicals affect the emotions first, so it is possible to continue communicating intellectually even after the emotional transmitter and receiver have been disabled. During active addiction it is possible to function intellectually even after the emotional transmitter and receiver have been disabled. During active addiction it is possible to function intellectually-- give lectures, perform operations, try cases, audit books--though all emotional contact has ceased. When we recover, we restore the emotional system and can resume full communication. We might not always be pleased with those emotional communications, and that is why there is always a risk of relapse. But as recovery progresses, we learn how to deal with emotions, and we can then enjoy total communication.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/24/2008
Life-or- Death Struggles - When everything is a life-or-death matter, we die many times. Some people think only in extremes; solutions to problems must be either one or the other. There is no compromise or negotiation. This thinking results in unnecessary radical measures, with dissatisfaction to all concerned. This is a frequent trait among addicts, and contributes to chemical use. Some people resort to chemicals as an escape when they see no solution to their problems. But problems can always be resolved, albeit not in the manner one might wish. In this sense, addiction generates a vicious cycle. When chemicals are used to escape from problems that could be resolved by compromise, our perception and judgment become impaired, so that each problem takes on greater significance and appears even more insoluble. When everything becomes a life-or-death matter, we die many times. 'Easy does it' means sitting back and reevaluating problems for possible solutions. Sobriety helps us achieve this.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/25/2008
Be Receptive to Wisdom - The AA Grapevine stated, 'Fear is a darkroom where negatives are developed.' This metaphor means that, under the influence of fear, we are in the dark and lose our perception, resulting in negative thoughts and feelings. But metaphors are malleable, and we can bend them every which way. For instance, darkrooms are where productive work gets done. Negatives are converted to positives by placing the negative over sensitive photographic paper and exposing it briefly to light until a clear picture emerges. Even momentary exposure to light can convert the negative to a positive. Let us do this in our own lives. Find a source of illumination: wisdom from a reliable source. Be receptive and sensitive. Expose yourself to the source of illumination. There is a high probability that a positive picture will result. And although the negative image was useless, the positive image can be helpful. In the recovery program, it is said that if life gives you lemons, make lemonade. This restates the concept of converting the negative into the positive-which is what recovery is all about.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/26/2008
Freedom Brings Responsibility - The psychological problems that complicate addiction began long before use of chemicals. It has been said that it is easy to take liberty for granted when you have never had it taken from you. Inasmuch as we lose freedom and become a slave to addiction, why don't addicts feel deprived of the precious freedom they once had? The answer is that many addicts never experienced freedom even before they began using chemicals. They may have been subject to compulsions, to rigid habits, to an inability to say no, to being dominated by others, or to any life-style that did not allow freedom of thought and action. When chemicals came along, they just took their place alongside the other problems. For many addicts, recovery is the first taste of liberty. As wonderful as this is, it carries the responsibility of making decisions, of weighing options, and of considering many factors before choosing what to do. Of course freedom is better, but it is not always easy, and we must always beware the tendency to fall back on what is easier, even when it is to our detriment.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/27/2008
Attitude Adjustments - The philosopher William James said, 'The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude.' Many people think that changing their life requires major upheavals, such as relocating, changing jobs, getting married or divorced. Not so. The circumstances can remain exactly as they are. A radical change in our life can come about simply by changing our attitude. A recovering person once said, 'I discovered my attitude was that my family was to give me everything my parents did. When my wife did not do somersaults over every little accomplishment of mine, I was offended. When she did not dote on me when I was sick the way my parents did, I became irate. I was being mistreated. When my attitude changed and I realized she was my wife and not my mother, I stopped my bizarre behavior.' We often bring inappropriate attitudes to addiction. If we change these when we become sober, our lives become much more livable.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/28/2008
Make Peace With Yourself - We are important to ourselves. A recovering person showed his sponsor a list of everyone to whom he would make amends, and was told the list was incomplete. He was perplexed. How could the sponsor know whom he had offended? 'You forgot to put yourself at the top of the list,', the sponsor said. Even if we were totally isolated, and had never harmed anyone else, chemical use certainly harms ourselves. All the amends in the world are inadequate for full recovery unless we realize that we have no right whatever to damage ourselves. Coming into recovery , we may not feel very good about ourselves. The most brilliant and dazzling diamond does not look beautiful when it is first drawn from the mine. It needs to be polished so that its beauty and value can be perceived and appreciated by all. That must happen in recovery. We must make amends to ourselves for having injured something so valuable as ourselves.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/29/2008
It's Not Always Easy to Take Advice - Profiting from good advice requires more wisdom than giving advice. It is fascinating to observe others in the recovery program. People with the least experience are fountains of advice, whereas seasoned veterans often sit quietly. Although they gladly respond to questions, they do not volunteer advice. For those seeking guidance, therefore, look among those who are maintaining their silence. Accepting good advice is not easy. Very often we must make some major modifications in our life-style to achieve sobriety . But if what we are instructed to do is not inconvenient, we should suspect its authenticity. Veterans in the recovery program say, 'Just listen and do as you're told.' No one likes to hear this, but it is good advice. The behavior of active addiction was largely doing what we wanted to do, rather than what we should do. Recovery requires a reversal of this.

[janbear]

Quote for 6/30/2008
Don't Be Afraid of Real Sorrow - Recovery concepts are sometimes grossly distorted. A woman with years of sobriety related the difficulties she experienced during her husband's illness and following his death. She stated, 'I put on the best front I can at work. I guess I'm not working the program well.' She felt she was derelict because she was feeling sorry for herself. Some people in the program told her that she must learn how to be happy all the time. This is a distortion of the program's teachings. AA and NA are programs of reality , and grieving for the loss of a loved one is reality. The program does not disapprove of normal emotions. But when a person experiences setbacks because of chemical use, such as the breakup of a marriage or the loss of a job, and says, 'Poor me! Why do these things happen to me?' that is what is meant by a 'pity party.' The program is critical of feeling sorry for yourself and blaming everyone else for the consequences of your addictive behavior. However, when you feel genuine grief from loss of a loved one, that is a healthy emotion. We must be careful not to distort the wonderful ideas of the program. When in doubt, check with senior people in sobriety who can tell you what these concepts really mean.

[janbear]

Quote for 7/1/2008
The Joy of Giving - Helping others is self-help. Pain is all-encompassing. If we have a severe toothache we think of nothing else. This is equally true of emotional pain. If we are deeply depressed, there is nothing that can divert our attention. We have seen people struggling to overcome the impulse to drink or use chemicals, depressed by a disruption of the family, loss of job, or trouble with the law-all incident to their addictions. Yet when faced with someone who is in addictive trouble, they are open, empathic, receptive, and willing to help. When suffering people are so willing to help others, they are distracted from their own distress. This is the magic of the Twelve Step program. It enables us to look outside of ourselves. If more people would reach out and help someone instead of retreating into self-pity when they are in the throes of misery, the world would be a much more pleasant place to live.

[janbear]

Quote for 7/2/2008
Restraint is Often the Best Response - Patience can help avoid distress. I once pulled into a parking lot, and being fifth in a procession, was annoyed that the lead car was moving at a snail's pace. The driver in front of me tooted angrily. Although tempted to pound on the horn, I decided not to add to the noise. When the lead car pulled into a parking space, I saw the handicap symbol on its license plate. I felt badly that I had harbored angry feelings at a handicapped person who was searching for the nearest place to park. I was grateful that I had restrained myself from sounding the horn. While we may make amends for having offended someone, it would be so much better if we could avoid the incident in the first place. This is possible if we delay our reaction, rather than behave in a knee-jerk fashion. What a peaceful night's sleep we would have if we could retire with the thought 'There is not one thing I did today that I regret having done.' For many people, this would eliminate the need for sedatives.

[janbear]

Quote for 7/3/2008
The Difference Between Knowledge and Wisdom - Knowledge is not enough. A competent therapist discovered that his daughter was using cocaine. He reacted like any other parent, with the usual combination of denial, rationalization, projection, anger, and attempt to control, although he would have counseled other parents to act differently. The reason? He counseled other parents with his knowledge, but he reacted to his own child with his emotions. Knowledge resides in the conscious part of our mind and emotion in the unconscious. The two do not always function in harmony. Emotions are powerful. They may also be misleading, regardless of how knowledgeable we are. Thus, we may not act constructively. It is as unwise to be your own addiction counselor as to be your own doctor or lawyer. That is why we need outside expertise to guide us, whether it is in regard to ourselves or to someone we love.

[janbear]

Quote for 8/18/2008
Out of Control - Control is an important issue in addiction. The incidence of chemical dependency , especially among young people, is probably greater today than in the past. When travel was primarily by horse and buggy, the driver did not actually control the horse, but by pulling on the reins he coerced the horse to choose to turn. Today's driver does not make the car choose, but he actually controls its direction. Little children enjoy toys with remote controls. Scientists at the space center control the movements of a satellite a billion miles away. Technology has provided us with unprecedented controls. We have come to believe in our ability to control everything. This contributes to the delusion that we can also control chemicals. We should not let technology delude us. We cannot control our use of chemicals.

[janbear]

Quote for 8/19/2008
The Difference Between Need and Desire - What are our real needs? The philosopher Immanuel Kant, upon seeing a display of items in a shop window, said, 'I never knew there are so many things I can get along without.' Most people are preoccupied with their needs. It would be to our advantage if we thought more about how many of these things we do not need. If we look at our belongings, we are likely to find things we rarely use, yet when we bought them we were certain we needed them. The idea 'I need' is one that often escapes our critical judgment. We often want many things we do not really need. An alcoholic once said, 'I never drank unless I thought it was exactly what I needed to do at just that moment.' There is a difference between 'I want,' and 'I need.' The recovery program teaches us to say, 'I really don't need this chemical today. Whether I will need it tomorrow, I can decide tomorrow.' When we turn our lives over to the will of a Higher Power, we can eliminate those things we want that are destructive, and concentrate on our constructive needs.

[janbear]

Quote for 8/20/2008
An 'All or Nothing' Struggle - Only 100 percent will work. Chemicals are indeed enemies, and they are cunning. In addiction, chemicals may look for any possible entry. The addiction may cause insomnia, pain, or anxiety - all in order to get us to take an addictive chemical. Our only defense against relapse is to block all portals of entry . Any opening, any side door, any weakness in the wall, can provide a means of entry. The statement 'half measures avail us nothing' may be taken to mean that three-quarter measures will work. The fact is that anything less than 100 percent is fraught with risk. The I percent unguarded point is a point of entry. This is why we must remain in contact with the program indefinitely and practice its principles in all our affairs. The one time we do not practice the principles of recovery is our Achilles' heel of relapse.

[janbear]

Quote for 8/22/2008
Be wise Enough to Ask for Help - A Danish proverb: Better to ask twice than to lose your way once. With some automobile drivers, it is a matter of pride. They will not stop to ask directions, insisting they know the way. Only after they are undeniably lost do they swallow their pride and discover they had been driving in the wrong direction. It is annoying when a failure to ask for guidance wastes time and gasoline. But it is more serious when we have gone the wrong direction in life, and some of our mistakes are irreversible. Career and marriage are important decisions, but they are not the only major decisions in life. Everyone can benefit from guidance. Recovering addicts are convincing instructors of the importance of asking for guidance, rather than assuming that we know it all. Wisdom is not in knowing everything but in knowing when to ask.

[janbear]

Quote for 8/23/2008
Recovering Our Emotions - Communication is the ability to also hear what is not being said. Our minds comprise two parts: intellect and emotions. We communicate to and from the intellect with words, but emotional messages are communicated nonverbally through eye contact, gestures and tone inflection. Chemicals affect the emotions first, so it is possible to continue communicating intellectually even after the emotional transmitter and receiver have been disabled. During active addiction it is possible to function intellectually even after the emotional transmitter and receiver have been disabled. During active addiction it is possible to function intellectually-- give lectures, perform operations, try cases, audit books--though all emotional contact has ceased. When we recover, we restore the emotional system and can resume full communication. We might not always be pleased with those emotional communications, and that is why there is always a risk of relapse. But as recovery progresses, we learn how to deal with emotions, and we can then enjoy total communication.

[janbear]

Quote for 8/24/2008
Life-or- Death Struggles - When everything is a life-or-death matter, we die many times. Some people think only in extremes; solutions to problems must be either one or the other. There is no compromise or negotiation. This thinking results in unnecessary radical measures, with dissatisfaction to all concerned. This is a frequent trait among addicts, and contributes to chemical use. Some people resort to chemicals as an escape when they see no solution to their problems. But problems can always be resolved, albeit not in the manner one might wish. In this sense, addiction generates a vicious cycle. When chemicals are used to escape from problems that could be resolved by compromise, our perception and judgment become impaired, so that each problem takes on greater significance and appears even more insoluble. When everything becomes a life-or-death matter, we die many times. 'Easy does it' means sitting back and reevaluating problems for possible solutions. Sobriety helps us achieve this.