Resentments?

[admin]

The Big Book says : Resentment is the 'number one' offender. It ruins more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically sick, we have been spiritually sick. "Alcoholics Anonymous" "How It Works" Pg. 64.
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_BigBook_chapt5.pdf

My question is: Why would they think that resentment would be the number one offender and how is it linked to selfishness and self-centeredness? Also why would they believe that this causes us to be spiritually ill? --Ed C.

[admin]

The reason I ask these questions is to see what we all have to say about these things. I used to pick a subject and then write about it and then see what others had to say about it. Thanks to doing things like this God has provided me with uninterrupted sobriety for almost eight years. For those who have known me for a while, they know I'm very serious about talking about these things and no matter what, will keep on as long as God allows me!

This subject is very important to me. See when I first read this I did not understand what resentment meant. Oh sure I thought I knew what resentments were, and had built enough of them to fill up a truck, but needed to break it down to it's lowest common denominator.

It is very true that resentments will send us alcoholics and drug addicts out quicker than anything thing else we know, but the word has to be broken down to understand why it happens. [Re] means [again] and [sense] means [feel]. So simply put we feel something again when resent something.

In our case (addicts) we tend to re-sense or feel things brought on by imagination. The more this happens the further we get from what is really going on. We tend to focus our attentions on something that we believe to be reality and do not realize that we are manipulating our whole existence on something we build in our mind. The crap we come up with in our minds does not exist (it's not real)!!!! Yet we create feelings with it.

In most cases we addicts will build up the most terrible things just because we believe that someone has done us wrong. They might have, but to let that control our lives is as crazy as taking the first drink of alcohol. If we mull over these thoughts and let it control what we do, it will take us out!!! Simply put is we are using the same old stinking thinking that we did previously.

We have absolutely no control over what other people do, think, or anything else. If they choose to act in a way that is detrimental to us we have but one thing that can be done. That is to move on and do what we can to make sense in our own lives. That is what we have control over, that's it! All of the other stuff we have to give to a God of our understanding. This is the way of using a new train of thought. That is to use our minds to create in the present and not try to live outside of it! With love and respect, --Ed C.

[kaistevens]

I'm Kai, I'm an alcoholic.

Excellent question. I know that my past, and reliving my past, my resentments, were KILLING me.

When I started getting involved and trying to work the steps, I had one particular resentment that I was certain was unforgivable. I was sure that I would NEVER get past this one. I share it today, because it truly changed my life.

I was working in the field of law enforcement. I had a dear friend, like an older brother, that I worked with. He had been coming over to my house in the evenings for a few weeks, he was going through a real financial struggle, and I was trying to listen and be supportive. He didn't drink or use drugs, one of those 'healthy' people.

I got home one night after dropping my son off to visit his grandparents, so it was only my dog and me at home. My friend came over. I had never felt threatened by him, or seen any reason to be wary or suspisious of him. That night, he used one of those 'date-rape' drugs, and while I lay on my living room floor, aware but not really responsive, he raped me. It wasn't a violent or loud event, and while my concept of time was all messed up, I really think the whole thing didn't last more than 20-30 minutes.

When I came to AA it had been nearly 5 years. I did a lot, and I do mean a lot of drink at that night. I was approaching my 4th and 5th steps and talking about letting go of the past, and finding peace, and giving it to God, and all that stuff. But this was different, this was 'special', who could ever let go of a thing like that.

This is how it was gently and lovingly explained to me:
"He did this to you how many times? And how many times have YOU repeated it in your own head? Can you change it? Has reliving that night, over and over again, hurt and damaged him or you?"

I didn't like the questions and I hated the answers. I was so hurt and felt betrayed. That hurt and betrayal grew into fear and anger. That fear and anger grew into an obsession of hate. That hate just grew and grew and grew. Much like the alcohol, I couldn't contain it, I coulnt keep it from spreading and spilling into every corner of my life, of my being.

And they were right. He stayed working there, got a new wife, had a new baby. How happy was he? I don't know, that's not really the point. Had any of the disaster befallen him that I had spent so many days and nights and weeks and years planning and praying and obsessing? No. I could feel my heart getting heavier, and darker. My efforts were destroying me for sure.

What an ugly thing to carry. What a terrible movie to sit down and play over and over again, day after day. He was guilty of 'robbing' me of 30 minutes of my life. I voluntarily threw away the next five years. That experience has helped me deal with a lot of resentments since then.

Who am I truly, honestly hurting? ME!! Can carrying it around, change it, or make it go away? NO!! If holding on to it, has not really affected them, then how much will letting go of it, affect them? IT WON'T. The holding on, or the letting go, is going to affect me, and after all, isn't it my *ss I am trying to save here?

Kai

[allaflutter]

In part, I believe resentments are the number one offender becasue they are like a cancer that is growing out of control. For me they ate away ast me and kept me sick. In that sickness the anger and resentments came out in all sorts of absurd ways and often towards anyone that my life touched even if they were "NEw Friends" that were so underserving of such. They ketp me from forming new bonds and kept me isolated and blocked from the sunlight of the spirit.

[kaistevens]

How they came to that conclusion may be a mystery, but I have just learned, just in the last week, that whether or not I understand it, IT IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE.

Over this last year, I have gotten sicker and sicker (physically), staying tired, too fatigued and too worn out to even participate in my life. I had gotten full of resentments, and anger, and was taking it out on myself. I literally felt like my body was dying! And I am glad to be back.

Love ya later. Kai