need advice

[magali]

Hi,

Short and sweet. Im falling in love with man in recovery. he is about a year clean. he has been in and out of prison for about half of his life and he is now on a very positive path and getting his life together. He's 49.
We have made our attraction for each other clear but that is all. There in nothing physical between us.
The issue for me is that is dealing with the aftermath of a past reltionship with a woman he met at NA. Hes trying to move on and away from her as she is very caught up in drama including an ex of hers who is currenlty using.

I see my friend really moving in the right direction but I am so pissed off at theses people that wont leave him alone. hes gotten caught up in thier stuff the ex boy frind is calling him constantly , she is calling constantly.

I see these people as bottom feeders and I dont know how to help this guy. I dont plan on acting on my feelings for him as long as all this is going on. Im ok with that b/c first and foremost hes my friend.

What the hell do I do? how do I help him. hes so much better than this.


Thank you for listening

[rockergirl]

His problems are not yours so don't own them.I have seen this to many times in recovery and it always turns out bad.Focus on yourself and your own recovery You cant help anybody else until you help yourself.I know this is not the answer you are looking for but my advice is walk away until he is in a better place and pray for him.
Toni

[admin]

:67: magali :17: Glad to have you join us here. As well as the suggestions above, you could also try going to Alanon or Naranon for yourself. We also have a forum for Family and Friend of Alcoholics/Addicts. Please feel free to continue to come and share with us. We are here for you. :42:

[magali]

I should have been clear.

I am not in recovery and have no issues with drugs or alcohol and thus know very little about the recovery process.
I guess my main concern is that I dont want to see him derailed b/c of all this crap.

[dalin]

try naranon or alanon.
There you can understand how addics think.
You will be welcomed and can learn.

[clean42day]

put the "probelm" in God's hands - you don't have the power to change anyones path in life - however you can be a role model of how to change yours.

The worst thing you can do is try to "control" someone choices - even if you think they are headed for a wreck. What if this is exactly what he needs to experience to learn a very important lesson ?- would you be doing him a good service by detouring that "lesson"?

if it is really that uncomfortable for you to watch this happen I would address your own discomfort and and focus on the solution to that instead of tyring to get him to step away from the drama - so you can feel comfortable again in your choice to be with him.

There is something to be said for believing that people can solve thier own problems by facing them head on and developing new coping skills along the way by themselves - experience is our best teacher. What are your coping skills and solutions when it come to drama? if they are healthy - then the best thing you can do is continue to role model that for him.

He is a grow man is he not? and you certainly have the right to set a healthy boundary in the meantime to keep yourself safe from the drama yourself.

I would express your discomfort and then let go of the outcome of what he does or doesn't do and focus on what you are going to do to keep your own life emotionally healthy and drama free.

Trying to change him, how he deals with people, or change the circumstance and outcome is not going to work. The best way you can influence someone is to show them by example what you will and will not stand for in your own life.....and hope they can learn from that.

just some suggestions...good luck

Gail

[kaistevens]

I'm Kai, I'm an alcoholic.

I've been in that sort of thing before. It's hard to watch someone holding on to something that they obviously need to let go of. Your friend is the only one who can establish his own boundaries, and then he has to stand by them. Other people's drama can only affect me as much as I allow it to. I didn't like hearing that when I first came to recovery because I wanted my misery to be someone else's fault, "poor, poor me".

Just because someone is in the program doesn't mean they are on a healthy spiritual path. One of our phrases is, 'To thine own self be true.' I have to do what is healthy for me, I have to be responsible how I allow others to affect me.

Talking to your friend honestly about this could help you, but you should take a step back and evaluate the way your friend is handling this situation. If he has trouble maintaining positive, healthy boundaries then that will be something that will cause problems in a relationship down the road.

Kai