dalin
11-06-2007, 04:06 PM
I grew up in suburban New York in a town
overlooking the Hudson River. I'm a middle son, my father was a lawyer
and my mother a teacher. Both my parents were the children of addicts
and, although they were good people, especially my father, our family
suffered a level of dysfunction rooted in their own early experiences.
I grew up in a house where there were lots of secrets, where love
wasn't openly expressed, and where there were high standards regarding
surface polish, manners, and looking good at all times.
I was the family misfit. I stuttered, wasn't as good looking as my
brothers or my parents, wasn't as athletic, was sexually confused, and
just generally didn't fit in. And that was all before I ever used! I
was lonely, alienated, angry, lacked self-esteem, had a superiority
complex, was manipulative, lied a lot, was self-piteous and whiney. I
yearned for love and understanding, but was too self-centered and
emotionally stunted to know how to go about getting those things. I
was suicidal.
I started using when I was fourteen and had a phony ID when I was 15
(the drinking age was 18 way back when). My generation believed it had
"discovered" pot and hallucinogenic drugs, and I regarded myself as a
pioneer and trendsetter in those areas.
Most of my using was done in a school/college/university environment.
That was a setting where I felt safe and where I felt I had beaten the
system. I had lots of adventures and escapades, of course, but
basically my using was a story of getting high and being depressed
most of the time. I felt myself trapped in an unending spiral of
despair and destruction.
I went to my first meeting on February 13, 1975 and I have never used
again. I had reached the end of my rope and probably would have killed
myself I was so miserable. Instead, I met another gay man who belonged
to a 12-Step program and, after talking to him when I was really
loaded, I went to one of his meetings by myself. Once there I met
another man, Ray T., who belonged to NA and he took me to my first NA
meeting.
In 1975 NA existed in only three places: Los Angeles, San Francisco,
and Philadelphia. I was attending graduate school outside Philadelphia
and so was very lucky the program was there for me. At the time there
were five NA meetings in the Philadelphia area. My friend Ray and I
used to travel several times a week to get to meetings in Westchester,
Philadelphia, and Norristown. Eventually, in 1977 we started a meeting
closer to us in Wilmington, the Delaware Step Group, a group that
still exists. Talking about the steps without any NA literature to
guide us was a real challenge!
I was an anomaly in early NA and had some difficulties from people who
didn't like gays or preppies. To them, because I hadn't gone to jail,
didn't have a needle story, was gay, often wore ties to meetings, and
didn't have any ink, I couldn't be one of them. But, from the
beginning, there were enough people (alas, not all) who accepted me
for who I was: a suffering addict. Consequently, despite the
homophobia and classism I've endured in NA, I was able to get and stay
clean. But I'd be lying when I didn't say there have been times over
the years that I've been more pissed off at NA than just about
anything.
From early on, under Ray T.'s direction, I was involved in service at
the group, area, regional, and world levels. I've had so many
positions that I'd have to think about all of them. I went to my first
World Service Conference in 1981 where I met Jimmy K. The position I
held that lasted the longest was being on the NA Board of Trustees for
five years and serving as its Vice Chairperson for two. The service
I'm most proud of is having written portions of the Basic Text and the
revisions of the White Book.
I am very grateful that I was given the opportunity to serve Narcotics
Anonymous at a crucial time in our development, a time when we seemed
to being growing exponentially and coming into our own as separate
program with a distinct philosophy of recovery, not just as an
appendage to another program where the "kids could talk about dope"
and not bother the adults who had spilled more beer on their ties than
we had drank.
Last February 13 I celebrated 31 years of recovery -- quietly and
without any fanfare. I moved back to New York awhile ago and haven't
gotten as well-connected with the program as I had hoped to. That's my
fault, but I'm trying to rectify that situation.
So, how does an addict like myself stay clean for so long. That's a
fair question and I have a list of five things that have have kept me
clean over the decades. They all begin with "s, " so I call them the
"Five S's."
..1 Sharing -- when I came to NA I had never shared honestly about
myself with anyone. By becoming willing to trust others and to tell
them who I was, I entered a new frame of reference.
..2 Sponsorship -- sharing with groups is great, but there came a time
when I needed to form a one-on-one relationship with someone who knew
my whole story, loved me, and could be my guide. So, I got a sponsor.
I still have a sponsor.
..3 Steps -- NA offers a tried and true program of recovery that has
as its foundation the transformation of ourselves through the steps. I
worked them and they worked.
..4 Spirituality -- NA has taught me a lot -- not about God, but about
how to find God. I pray and I meditate on a daily basis. My whole
spiritual life is based on connecting with God and with others. This
is a far cry from the disconnected addict I used to be.
..5 Service -- I used to put "spirituality" after "service" on my
list, but I know better now. I believe that the noblest life any
person can lead is a life of service to others. Whoever called NA a
"selfish program" knows little about recovery. But service needs to
grow out of our spiritual lives. If we serve others anonymously and
spiritually, we will stay clean.
Sometimes when I meditate I have a vision. I imagine myself at a huge
meeting and we're all in a circle at the end. Together, all the
addicts in the circle look at the addict on their left and the addict
on their right. Together, we each pledge to do everything humanly
possible to help those two people stay clean for the next day.
Together, we say the Serenity Prayer.
If that happened, we'd probably all stay clean forever -- together.
J.T.
:42: Today I celebrate 32 years. I got
clean in Feb. 13, 1975. I'm pretty happy about it, although it's been
awhile since anyone made a big deal out of my anniversary. That's
either a testimony to my disconnectedness from NA or to my practicing
anonymity as a spiritual principle.
overlooking the Hudson River. I'm a middle son, my father was a lawyer
and my mother a teacher. Both my parents were the children of addicts
and, although they were good people, especially my father, our family
suffered a level of dysfunction rooted in their own early experiences.
I grew up in a house where there were lots of secrets, where love
wasn't openly expressed, and where there were high standards regarding
surface polish, manners, and looking good at all times.
I was the family misfit. I stuttered, wasn't as good looking as my
brothers or my parents, wasn't as athletic, was sexually confused, and
just generally didn't fit in. And that was all before I ever used! I
was lonely, alienated, angry, lacked self-esteem, had a superiority
complex, was manipulative, lied a lot, was self-piteous and whiney. I
yearned for love and understanding, but was too self-centered and
emotionally stunted to know how to go about getting those things. I
was suicidal.
I started using when I was fourteen and had a phony ID when I was 15
(the drinking age was 18 way back when). My generation believed it had
"discovered" pot and hallucinogenic drugs, and I regarded myself as a
pioneer and trendsetter in those areas.
Most of my using was done in a school/college/university environment.
That was a setting where I felt safe and where I felt I had beaten the
system. I had lots of adventures and escapades, of course, but
basically my using was a story of getting high and being depressed
most of the time. I felt myself trapped in an unending spiral of
despair and destruction.
I went to my first meeting on February 13, 1975 and I have never used
again. I had reached the end of my rope and probably would have killed
myself I was so miserable. Instead, I met another gay man who belonged
to a 12-Step program and, after talking to him when I was really
loaded, I went to one of his meetings by myself. Once there I met
another man, Ray T., who belonged to NA and he took me to my first NA
meeting.
In 1975 NA existed in only three places: Los Angeles, San Francisco,
and Philadelphia. I was attending graduate school outside Philadelphia
and so was very lucky the program was there for me. At the time there
were five NA meetings in the Philadelphia area. My friend Ray and I
used to travel several times a week to get to meetings in Westchester,
Philadelphia, and Norristown. Eventually, in 1977 we started a meeting
closer to us in Wilmington, the Delaware Step Group, a group that
still exists. Talking about the steps without any NA literature to
guide us was a real challenge!
I was an anomaly in early NA and had some difficulties from people who
didn't like gays or preppies. To them, because I hadn't gone to jail,
didn't have a needle story, was gay, often wore ties to meetings, and
didn't have any ink, I couldn't be one of them. But, from the
beginning, there were enough people (alas, not all) who accepted me
for who I was: a suffering addict. Consequently, despite the
homophobia and classism I've endured in NA, I was able to get and stay
clean. But I'd be lying when I didn't say there have been times over
the years that I've been more pissed off at NA than just about
anything.
From early on, under Ray T.'s direction, I was involved in service at
the group, area, regional, and world levels. I've had so many
positions that I'd have to think about all of them. I went to my first
World Service Conference in 1981 where I met Jimmy K. The position I
held that lasted the longest was being on the NA Board of Trustees for
five years and serving as its Vice Chairperson for two. The service
I'm most proud of is having written portions of the Basic Text and the
revisions of the White Book.
I am very grateful that I was given the opportunity to serve Narcotics
Anonymous at a crucial time in our development, a time when we seemed
to being growing exponentially and coming into our own as separate
program with a distinct philosophy of recovery, not just as an
appendage to another program where the "kids could talk about dope"
and not bother the adults who had spilled more beer on their ties than
we had drank.
Last February 13 I celebrated 31 years of recovery -- quietly and
without any fanfare. I moved back to New York awhile ago and haven't
gotten as well-connected with the program as I had hoped to. That's my
fault, but I'm trying to rectify that situation.
So, how does an addict like myself stay clean for so long. That's a
fair question and I have a list of five things that have have kept me
clean over the decades. They all begin with "s, " so I call them the
"Five S's."
..1 Sharing -- when I came to NA I had never shared honestly about
myself with anyone. By becoming willing to trust others and to tell
them who I was, I entered a new frame of reference.
..2 Sponsorship -- sharing with groups is great, but there came a time
when I needed to form a one-on-one relationship with someone who knew
my whole story, loved me, and could be my guide. So, I got a sponsor.
I still have a sponsor.
..3 Steps -- NA offers a tried and true program of recovery that has
as its foundation the transformation of ourselves through the steps. I
worked them and they worked.
..4 Spirituality -- NA has taught me a lot -- not about God, but about
how to find God. I pray and I meditate on a daily basis. My whole
spiritual life is based on connecting with God and with others. This
is a far cry from the disconnected addict I used to be.
..5 Service -- I used to put "spirituality" after "service" on my
list, but I know better now. I believe that the noblest life any
person can lead is a life of service to others. Whoever called NA a
"selfish program" knows little about recovery. But service needs to
grow out of our spiritual lives. If we serve others anonymously and
spiritually, we will stay clean.
Sometimes when I meditate I have a vision. I imagine myself at a huge
meeting and we're all in a circle at the end. Together, all the
addicts in the circle look at the addict on their left and the addict
on their right. Together, we each pledge to do everything humanly
possible to help those two people stay clean for the next day.
Together, we say the Serenity Prayer.
If that happened, we'd probably all stay clean forever -- together.
J.T.
:42: Today I celebrate 32 years. I got
clean in Feb. 13, 1975. I'm pretty happy about it, although it's been
awhile since anyone made a big deal out of my anniversary. That's
either a testimony to my disconnectedness from NA or to my practicing
anonymity as a spiritual principle.