gossip

[tlyn]

I am just wondering what experiences others have had with gossip in the rooms and how they dealt with it. I know that we deal with humans with all the shortcomings that entails. I hear people wondering about where other members are at and whether they have relapsed or not. Or talking about how others are working their program and whether they are doing it right. It is making me think that some are just waiting for someone to fall so they can talk about it. I don't know but I think that the next fall by anyone could be death and I dont understand how anyone could find any way to to feel better about themselves because of someone elses fall. Makes me just a little leary of sharing. Anyway just wondering.

[admin]

I say instead of gossiping, pray.

I've always heard when you point one finger at someone else there are 3 pointing back at you.

I work on keeping my side of the street clean.

[Humblepie]

As I try to get back into AA I'm am looking for people that have what I want. I can be nice and humble towards everybody but I can't like everybody. That's just the way it is.

Stick with the winners.

[tlyn]

Ya know that just as soon as I posted this yesterday and then went to a meeting.. That I was focusing on a negative. My choice. Instead of looking at the positive. I was pointing an internal finger at those around me. :idea:
And I found that what was bothering me was my shyness to share.. Hmmmm. Anyway. Need to remember when I am disturbed there is something in me that I need to look at not others... Thanks for letting me share

[admin]

My sponsor suggested to me when I share in meetings to share in a way. She also told me if I had any dirty laundry to air to air it with her first before I said anything about it in a meeting.

[DianaMarie7968]

so glad you brought "gossiping" up,
I have been in recovery only 8 in 1/2 months, and ya know something, My SPONCER gossips ALL the time to me, about others in the program, which makes me think to myself how can I trust her as a sponcer to tell her my deepest feelings, things that ive done in my past, I dont feel any trust with her lately, i really dont, now i found out that she take oxycontin, and her behaviours, are of someone using, I'm struggling with this today, and its not easy to get a sponcer these day!!! I know we all fall short, and i do pray alot for those who do these things, especially when my own sponcer has broken MY animinity, and my sponcee sisters, because she gossips about them to me all the time, thanks for putting that topic out there, i'm really gonna have to sit n talk with my sponcer about this, i have trust issues, big time specially with other women....anyways just pray for them I say, and sometime we need to call others on their stuff too!

Thanks Diana:idea:

[janbear]

I have always heard that gossip is a character defect. When others gossip, i tell them i am not interested in listening and i walk away. I have done that so much that most people dont come to me telling me crap about people anymore and for that i am grateful. To say i have never gossiped would be a lie. I have to get real here. Fortunately today i can use step 10 to clean up my side of the street. That is what it is there for. People will be people but we have tools in the program that teaches us how to be different from how we have been.

DianaMarie, i feel for ya. I am grateful that i can trust my sponsor. That relationship is so important. It is the biggest relationship we should invest in especially in our first year. I too have always had major trust issues. What helped see who i could trust was, i would say a tidbit about myself, something didnt matter to me if others knew, to one person only,if it came back to me i would know if i couldnt trust that person. I did that with women who i admired how they worked the program and thats how i chose my sponsor, and others who i would hang around.

[kaistevens]

The BB calls gossip character assassination, I agree. Gossip has always been something that has felt very unnatural to me...Until the person in question had hurt ME, or mad ME angry. It was wrong unless it was all about me.

Sometimes it is a real struggle to not get caught up in talking about somebody. My mind says to me, "Well, but it is true" or "I just have to vent and air out my feelings".

I've had to learn that I cannot trust anybody, myself included, I can only trust God. So, I pray that he bring healthy people into my life and remove unhealthy people from harming me. Then I always go to him with something before I share it with anybody else. As a result, he has placed some amazing people in my life. See, my 'people-picker' was broke, still is, so I have to leave those decisions to someone who can see better than I can.

I still catch myself 'venting' sometimes when my feelings get hurt. And I have to go back and clean up my part. And even when it is someone else who has let down my trust, when I turn it over to my HP, he has always helped me through it and has even helped my turn those experiences in to opportunities to help some one else.

Trust God, with yourself, and with everybody else.

Kai

[clean42day]

There is a greater lesson is just about anything people do - while I don't believe it is right/worthy/or good to capitalize on other peoples mistakes - I also equally don't think the "lesson" should be lost by attaching a persons name to it. There is no need to speak about a persons mistakes personally when you are speaking only of the bigger dynamic of "Behavior" that we are all certainly capable of.

When I frist hear or see someone relapse in the rooms - my first question is: How have I myself practiced that same behaivor or had the same experience? I can usually find some aspect of myself that has had a lack of sound judgement on whatever topic precluded the relapse. So the honorable thing to do would be to talk about my "own experience" and how I used that "lesson" to not repeat the same mistake. However there are valuable lessons in talking about the behavior that precludes a relapse. after all even Bill and Bob had to eliminate what didn't work in order to find out what did and does. Some information can be useful in the programs - how do you think Treatment centers came up with relapse prevention plans?

I thank people who have gone out and done the research for me - because that tells me that nothing has changed out there and that the disease is still alive and trying to kill people. and I myself am only one bad choice away from the next drink or drug.

This program is not about getting to be good or bad - we are human and we are always going to talk about eachother - but if you take the persons name out of your mouth - then the gossip becomes a story with a moral or a lesson - I want to know what doesn't work and what might make me sick again and be alert to that fact.



so the next time you are tempted to talk about someone on whatever topic it might be - try talking about the behaivor and leave the persons name out of it and see if it doesn't take on a whole new dimension of meaning.

here is a little story I found:

Socrates on Gossip

My mother sent me this little gem via e-mail just now. I don't know where she found it, or even if it's true, but it is very wise. As a person who absolutely abhors gossip in all it's many guises, I find this "system of filters" very useful indeed. (I didn't even notice the punchline till later!)

Here's the story:

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC) Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really"

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

When someone gossips about another person - it really says more about them than the person they are talking about..............

“Great minds talk about ideas, average minds talk about events, and small minds talk about people.”

my sponsor taught me a little secret about people who talk bad about others - because I too was worried they might also talk about me...and she said; "Gail live your life in such a way that no one would believe them anyway". :15: that little bit of wisdom has been working for 5 years now. :195:

light and love

Gail