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06-17-2006, 08:09 AM
Lois' Story
"I believe that people are good if you give them half a chance and
that good is more powerful than evil. The world seems to me
excruciatingly, almost painfully beautiful at times, and the goodness
and kindness of people often exceed that which even I expect."
Lois Burhnam Wilson
Lois Burnham, the co-founder of The Al-Anon Family Groups, was born
on March 4, 1891 at 182 Clinton Street, in the lovely area of
Brooklyn Heights, New York. Her father, Clark Burnham, was a
gynecologist and surgeon and Matilda Spellman, her mother, a young
woman of refinement.
Lois was the first of the children was followed by Matilda, would die
in infancy leaving three girls -- Lois, Barbara and Katherine -- and
two boys, Rogers and Lyman. In her memoir, Lois Remembers, published
by Al-Anon, Lois recalls her childhood as "idyllic", and it seems
that this is an accurate assessment.
The children were respected and deeply loved by their parents and
were brought up to be loving and thoughtful. They were given
excellent educations and sent to college with Lois graduating from
The Packer Collegiate Institute in Brooklyn. All the children went to
Pratt Institute in Brooklyn which was one of the first schools to
have a new type of preschool started in Germany
called "kindergarten". Later, they were enrolled in the Quaker's
Friends School.
Lois' primary interests were mostly artistic. She would later become
interested in interior decoration, but also showed interest in fine
art. After graduating from Packer Institute, she took drawing classes
at the New York School of Fine and Applied Art.
The Burnhams taught their children to be thoughtful and caring of
others and to be of use in the world. The impressions of her home
life are ones of excitement and lots of fun. Lois was particularly
adventuresome and cared little for how she looked and was often
referred to as a "tomboy."
This aspect of her personality was given its fullest expression
during the Burnham's long sojourns in southern Vermont where her
father could care for his New York patients summering in the state.
Her parents were fully part of the upper-class social life there and
were friends with many well-known people of the day, including
Abraham Lincoln's son whose children were among the younger Burnhams'
playmates.
One of the children the Burnham's played with, especially Rogers, was
a boy who came each summer with his prominent family from Albany, New
York. His name was Edwin or "Ebby" who would also become a close
friend of Lois' future husband, Bill Wilson, and be instrumental in
Bill's getting sober. (See Bill's Story.)
Rogers also found a pal in Bill Wilson, and in 1913 introduced him to
his sister. Lois was over four years older than Bill and did not
regard him as anything other than her brother's friend. But as the
summers went on, she and Bill eventually found many common interests
and gradually fell in love. The couple became secretly engaged in
1915 and married on January 24, 1918, before young officer Wilson
shipped off to Europe in the First World War.
When Lois married Bill, she wed an upstanding young man of good
character filled with exciting ideas about his future. What Lois did
not marry was a drinker. It was a great shock to Lois some months
later when, visiting her husband at his New Bedford, Massachusetts
station, his soldier friends told her about Bill getting so drunk one
night they had to carry him back to barracks.
When Bill left for England, Lois found work as an occupational
therapist. As an educated woman, Lois believed in being independent
and making her own living. She worked at the YWCA and was promoted
several times within the organization leaving in 1917 to assist in a
school her aunt had established in Short Hills, New Jersey. She left
that position to marry Bill.
When Bill returned from the war, Lois hoped to start the family she
always wanted. However, a series of miscarriages made childbearing
impossible. This was a devastation for her. She and Bill tried to
adopt, but they were unsuccessful. She later found out why --
agencies performing routine background checks would eventually be
told about Bill's drinking that had been increasing heavily since
they married.
Bill's drinking alarmed Lois very much. At first, she tried not to be
concerned, but his drinking progressed during the early years of
marriage to the point where he would see all his ambitions dashed and
his wonderful opportunities for employment and advancement shattered.
He became a broken man who eventually had to seek refuge with his
wife in the house of his in-laws.
Lois employed many tactics over the years to help Bill get sober. She
really believed she could help him stop drinking, but years later she
reealized how futile this was. Bill did stop in 1934, but it was not
due to the efforts of his wife. (See Bill's Story.)
In 1939, Bill and Lois were forced to leave the Burnham's house. Her
father and mother had died, and the Wilsons could not afford to go
anywhere except to the homes of various friends which they did for
the following two years. Over the years, Lois had been the
breadwinner bringing in a modest income from her work in department
stores as a decorator and also from her consultations with private
clients. While working at Macy's she wrote an article on veneered
furniture that was published by the popular House and Garden
magazine.
Living like nomads was difficult for Lois. She did her best and
maintained her dignity throughout the ordeal but sometimes despaired
that they might be homeless for a very long time.
But in 1941 an extraordinary thing happened. A generous offer was
made by an acquaintance for the Wilsons to purchase a home in
Westchester County. Due to this magnanimous gesture, the Wilsons
moved into their first and only real home -- Stepping Stones in
Bedford Hills, New York. It took 23 years, but they finally had a
home of their own.
In 1951, Lois followed the suggestion made by her husband who had
crafted the 12 steps of recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous to create a
similar 12-step program for the family and friends of alcoholics. In
truth, there had been several family groups around the country that
Bill had become aware of and Anne Smith, wife of AA co-founder Dr.
Bob, had been involved in working with wives and families from the
very beginning.
Bill thought the groups could be consolidated and that Lois be the
one to take it on. (Anne Smith had died in 1949.) Lois was reluctant,
not because she did not recognize the need, but because she was 60
and wanted to enjoy life at Stepping Stones tending her garden and
involving herself in artistic projects. But Lois' strong sense of
service prevailed, and at the end of the 1951 AA General Service
Conference, she gathered the delegates' wives and local family groups
members at Stepping Stones to discuss going forward with a formal
organization.
Working from Lois' upstairs desk at Stepping Stones, Lois and Anne
B., a nearby friend whose husband was in AA, wrote to 87 non-
alcoholics who had written to AA asking for information about
alcoholism. The letters had come from the U.S., Canada, Ireland,
Australia and South Africa. Forty-eight people wrote back and
eventually the organization known as the Al-Anon Family Groups was
formed. It now has over 29,000 groups worldwide and a membership of
over 387,000.
Lois died on October 6, 1988 at 97 years old. She was present and
energetic throughout her latter years and enjoyed good health for
most of them. She wanted to live to be 100 and almost did.
Lois Wilson was one of the 20th century's most important women. Her
life has been somewhat overshadowed by that of her husband, but, in
recent years, she has emerged more visible than before for her unique
contribution to humanity. It is through her tireless efforts and
vision that Al-Anon is the strong organization it is today and why it
continues to attract members through its message of hope and renewal.
Please visit the Al-Anon Family Groups website at www.al-
anon.alateen.org
2002 The Stepping Stones Foundation
"I believe that people are good if you give them half a chance and
that good is more powerful than evil. The world seems to me
excruciatingly, almost painfully beautiful at times, and the goodness
and kindness of people often exceed that which even I expect."
Lois Burhnam Wilson
Lois Burnham, the co-founder of The Al-Anon Family Groups, was born
on March 4, 1891 at 182 Clinton Street, in the lovely area of
Brooklyn Heights, New York. Her father, Clark Burnham, was a
gynecologist and surgeon and Matilda Spellman, her mother, a young
woman of refinement.
Lois was the first of the children was followed by Matilda, would die
in infancy leaving three girls -- Lois, Barbara and Katherine -- and
two boys, Rogers and Lyman. In her memoir, Lois Remembers, published
by Al-Anon, Lois recalls her childhood as "idyllic", and it seems
that this is an accurate assessment.
The children were respected and deeply loved by their parents and
were brought up to be loving and thoughtful. They were given
excellent educations and sent to college with Lois graduating from
The Packer Collegiate Institute in Brooklyn. All the children went to
Pratt Institute in Brooklyn which was one of the first schools to
have a new type of preschool started in Germany
called "kindergarten". Later, they were enrolled in the Quaker's
Friends School.
Lois' primary interests were mostly artistic. She would later become
interested in interior decoration, but also showed interest in fine
art. After graduating from Packer Institute, she took drawing classes
at the New York School of Fine and Applied Art.
The Burnhams taught their children to be thoughtful and caring of
others and to be of use in the world. The impressions of her home
life are ones of excitement and lots of fun. Lois was particularly
adventuresome and cared little for how she looked and was often
referred to as a "tomboy."
This aspect of her personality was given its fullest expression
during the Burnham's long sojourns in southern Vermont where her
father could care for his New York patients summering in the state.
Her parents were fully part of the upper-class social life there and
were friends with many well-known people of the day, including
Abraham Lincoln's son whose children were among the younger Burnhams'
playmates.
One of the children the Burnham's played with, especially Rogers, was
a boy who came each summer with his prominent family from Albany, New
York. His name was Edwin or "Ebby" who would also become a close
friend of Lois' future husband, Bill Wilson, and be instrumental in
Bill's getting sober. (See Bill's Story.)
Rogers also found a pal in Bill Wilson, and in 1913 introduced him to
his sister. Lois was over four years older than Bill and did not
regard him as anything other than her brother's friend. But as the
summers went on, she and Bill eventually found many common interests
and gradually fell in love. The couple became secretly engaged in
1915 and married on January 24, 1918, before young officer Wilson
shipped off to Europe in the First World War.
When Lois married Bill, she wed an upstanding young man of good
character filled with exciting ideas about his future. What Lois did
not marry was a drinker. It was a great shock to Lois some months
later when, visiting her husband at his New Bedford, Massachusetts
station, his soldier friends told her about Bill getting so drunk one
night they had to carry him back to barracks.
When Bill left for England, Lois found work as an occupational
therapist. As an educated woman, Lois believed in being independent
and making her own living. She worked at the YWCA and was promoted
several times within the organization leaving in 1917 to assist in a
school her aunt had established in Short Hills, New Jersey. She left
that position to marry Bill.
When Bill returned from the war, Lois hoped to start the family she
always wanted. However, a series of miscarriages made childbearing
impossible. This was a devastation for her. She and Bill tried to
adopt, but they were unsuccessful. She later found out why --
agencies performing routine background checks would eventually be
told about Bill's drinking that had been increasing heavily since
they married.
Bill's drinking alarmed Lois very much. At first, she tried not to be
concerned, but his drinking progressed during the early years of
marriage to the point where he would see all his ambitions dashed and
his wonderful opportunities for employment and advancement shattered.
He became a broken man who eventually had to seek refuge with his
wife in the house of his in-laws.
Lois employed many tactics over the years to help Bill get sober. She
really believed she could help him stop drinking, but years later she
reealized how futile this was. Bill did stop in 1934, but it was not
due to the efforts of his wife. (See Bill's Story.)
In 1939, Bill and Lois were forced to leave the Burnham's house. Her
father and mother had died, and the Wilsons could not afford to go
anywhere except to the homes of various friends which they did for
the following two years. Over the years, Lois had been the
breadwinner bringing in a modest income from her work in department
stores as a decorator and also from her consultations with private
clients. While working at Macy's she wrote an article on veneered
furniture that was published by the popular House and Garden
magazine.
Living like nomads was difficult for Lois. She did her best and
maintained her dignity throughout the ordeal but sometimes despaired
that they might be homeless for a very long time.
But in 1941 an extraordinary thing happened. A generous offer was
made by an acquaintance for the Wilsons to purchase a home in
Westchester County. Due to this magnanimous gesture, the Wilsons
moved into their first and only real home -- Stepping Stones in
Bedford Hills, New York. It took 23 years, but they finally had a
home of their own.
In 1951, Lois followed the suggestion made by her husband who had
crafted the 12 steps of recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous to create a
similar 12-step program for the family and friends of alcoholics. In
truth, there had been several family groups around the country that
Bill had become aware of and Anne Smith, wife of AA co-founder Dr.
Bob, had been involved in working with wives and families from the
very beginning.
Bill thought the groups could be consolidated and that Lois be the
one to take it on. (Anne Smith had died in 1949.) Lois was reluctant,
not because she did not recognize the need, but because she was 60
and wanted to enjoy life at Stepping Stones tending her garden and
involving herself in artistic projects. But Lois' strong sense of
service prevailed, and at the end of the 1951 AA General Service
Conference, she gathered the delegates' wives and local family groups
members at Stepping Stones to discuss going forward with a formal
organization.
Working from Lois' upstairs desk at Stepping Stones, Lois and Anne
B., a nearby friend whose husband was in AA, wrote to 87 non-
alcoholics who had written to AA asking for information about
alcoholism. The letters had come from the U.S., Canada, Ireland,
Australia and South Africa. Forty-eight people wrote back and
eventually the organization known as the Al-Anon Family Groups was
formed. It now has over 29,000 groups worldwide and a membership of
over 387,000.
Lois died on October 6, 1988 at 97 years old. She was present and
energetic throughout her latter years and enjoyed good health for
most of them. She wanted to live to be 100 and almost did.
Lois Wilson was one of the 20th century's most important women. Her
life has been somewhat overshadowed by that of her husband, but, in
recent years, she has emerged more visible than before for her unique
contribution to humanity. It is through her tireless efforts and
vision that Al-Anon is the strong organization it is today and why it
continues to attract members through its message of hope and renewal.
Please visit the Al-Anon Family Groups website at www.al-
anon.alateen.org
2002 The Stepping Stones Foundation