Detachment with Love' Gains New Meaning

[admin]

Detachment with Love' Gains New Meaning
By Rosemary Hartman

One of the great gifts of the recovery movement is the concept of
detachment with love. Originally conceived as a way to relate to an
alcoholic family member, detachment with love is actually a tool that
we can apply with anyone.

Al-Anon, a mutual-help group for people with alcoholic friends or
family members, pioneered the idea of detachment with love. A core
principle of Al-Anon is that alcoholics cannot learn from their mistakes
if they are overprotected.

That word "overprotected" has many meanings. For example, it
means calling in sick for your husband if he is too drunk to show up for
work. Overprotecting also means telling children that mommy didn't
show up for the school play because she had to work late, when the
truth is that she was at a bar until midnight.

We used to call such actions "enabling," because they enabled
alcoholics to continue drinking. Today we use the word "adapting," which
is less blaming. Originally, detachment with love was a call for family
members to stop adapting. But as Al-Anon grew, people misunderstood
detachment with love as a way to scare alcoholics into changing. Such
as, "If you don't go to treatment, I'll leave you!" Such threats were
a gamble that fear could force an alcoholic into seeking help.

For years the concept of detachment with love got stuck there. In
fact, people still call Hazelden and ask, " If the person I love continues
to drink or use other drugs, should I leave?"

My response is to ask family members to consider a deeper meaning
of detachment with love. This meaning centers on new questions:
What are your needs beyond the needs of the alcoholic or addict?
How can you take care of yourself even if the person you love
chooses not to get help?

Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them
to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for our own
welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives-the desire to
control others. Ultimately we are powerless to control others anyway.
Most family members of a chemically dependent person have been trying
to change that person for a long time, and it hasn't worked. We are
involved with other people but we don't control them. We simply can't
stop people from doing things if they choose to continue.

Understood this way, detachment with love plants the seeds of
recovery. When we refuse to take responsibility for other people's
alcohol or drug use, we allow them to face the natural consequences
of their behavior.
If a child asks why mommy missed the school play, we do not have to
lie. Instead, we can say, "I don't know why she wasn't here. You'll have
to ask her."

Perhaps the essence of detachment with love is responding with
choice rather than reacting with anxiety.
When we threaten to leave someone, we're usually tuned in to
someone else's feelings. We operate on raw emotion. We say things
for shock value. Our words arise from blind reaction, not thoughtful
choice.

Detachment with love offers another option -- responding to
others based on thought rather than anxiety.
For instance, as parents we set limits for our children even when
this angers them. We choose what we think is best over the long term,
looking past the children's immediate emotional reaction. In this sense,
detachment with love can apply whenever we have an emotional
attachment to someone-family or friend, addicted or sober. The key is
to stop being responsible for others and be responsible to them-and
to ourselves.

Rosemary Hartman is the supervisor of the Family Program for Hazelden
Foundation, a nonprofit organization based in Center City, Minn., that
provides chemical dependency information and recovery services.

[nickkiwick]

:120: :107:
I enjoyed reading this thank you!

[Doraine]

Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them
to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for our own
welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives-the desire to
control others. Ultimately we are powerless to control others anyway.
Most family members of a chemically dependent person have been trying
to change that person for a long time, and it hasn't worked. We are
involved with other people but we don't control them. We simply can't
stop people from doing things if they choose to continue.



Perhaps the essence of detachment with love is responding with
choice rather than reacting with anxiety.

It's so hard to watch my daughter relapse time after time. I never know what to say to her when she starts drinking again. Her sister doesn't keep in touch with her because of her relapses. She hasn't seen her nephews in years. She just told me she's trying to get sober again. I got sober at 37 I hope she doesn't wait that long.At one time she had 5 years. A month after I moved here she relapsed and I didn't know where she was for a year. She's had a problem with drugs too. I pray for her to be blessed every night. I only see her when she goes to meetings. Neither of us has a car. In her case that's a good thing. She has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and had stopped taking her meds for a week so her symptoms got worse. She was homeless but she recently got her own apartment. She's spent a lot of time in hospitals and rehabs. It's sad.

[girlmagik]

this article has so much meaning to me its unreal. it is exactly what i am dealing with right now, i need to learn how to love from a distance, get myself out of this unsolvable situation. he will never stop the drugs if i keep enabling him to do them. i just love him so much it is so hard to walk away, ive tried and been successful for only a few days, but those days have been miserable, i sit and wait for him to call, pray that hes ok, wonder where he is, and blame myself for his problems. I need to realize none of this is my fault, i deserve none of this, all i ever wanted was to love him and be loved back. I didnt think that was to much to ask,but obviously it was. I feel like im not heading for a breakdown myself, and i say that to him all the time, he is breaking me mentally, emotionally and physically, but i cant get strong enough to walk away.

[free2bunme]

i need to learn how to love from a distance, get myself out of this unsolvable situation. he will never stop the drugs if i keep enabling him to do them. i just love him so much it is so hard to walk away, ive tried and been successful for only a few days, but those days have been miserable, i sit and wait for him to call, pray that hes ok, wonder where he is, and blame myself for his problems. I need to realize none of this is my fault, i deserve none of this, all i ever wanted was to love him and be loved back. I didnt think that was to much to ask,but obviously it was. I feel like im not heading for a breakdown myself, and i say that to him all the time, he is breaking me mentally, emotionally and physically, but i cant get strong enough to walk away.


Girl Magick: You are right: none of this is your fault. You do not deserve the pain and misery that active addiction causes. It is not too much to ask to love and be loved in return. I understand how very hard it is to love the addict and hate the addiction. It is so very hard to separate, and it is even more difficult to let go ... to stop enabling ... because of feelings of guilt -- that you are not being loving enough, that you are somehow being disloyal by choosing to take care of yourself. I struggle with this every day in a relationship that I have with a dear loved one who is still using. Yet I can tell you that after I prayed for months for the willingness to let go of him completely, I have let go some. God will not take anything that you hold away from Him. You have to be willing to give your addict over to God. Easier said than done, I know. If you pray for God to give you the strength, God will help you as much as you are willing to let God help you. Does that make any sense. Your first job is to take care of yourself. If you break down, you will certainly not be able to help anyone, and then you will be in need of saving yourself. If you take the oxygen mask first, and then put it on your baby (airplane metaphor), it will be the best thing for you and for him. I find that as I stop enabling, the addict is forced to change a little bit. My relationship is still unhealthy, but it is much much better due to the changes that I have forced by putting the focus on myself and by the self-care that I am taking and the unwillingness to put up with any abuse. I will be praying for you. :195:

[flickchic]

Interesting that this post has popped up on top of the line for me right here and now...God working is magic again!!!

I am feeling caught up in the past again, not as heavily however similarities are happening....having focus thrown at me when it's not about my behaviours, lack of consideration for my feelings, lack of open communication,,,,funny I get caught out every so often 'assuming' stuff however I have also come to an awareness today that I am so often "left to assume", by not being told; i.e. M and the girls have gone out for the day....I was not even in the pic. we talked recently about him being "I" or it being "us", well it's reverted back to "I" , which then means I am to wait for or ask to be invited?????, there was no discussion on whether or not he'd be taking them out alone, we have been over this ground way way back, all it takes is to say "hey I'd like one on one with my kids, do you mind if we go it alone?".......I did y.day, a) cause there wasn't enough room in the car for everyone anyway (one of the girls wanted to come with me to take mine home) b) I was honest and said I wanted time alone on the return trip to stop off with a girlfriend. It's not about him wanting time with the girls alone, it's about the approach, the rudeness, it hurt me, and yes I know it is up to me to 'allow' it to hurt or not, I'm still stunk in the head mess of wondering why things have turned backwards again....I KNOW something is up and I KNOW there is more than he is telling me, easy to say wait and see, but it is affecting the whole environment and I am having trouble being my jovial loving self to one who is obviously "not really with me", in fact to be honest I have some of that ugly poison; resentment eating at me, I resent his behaviour and attitude, I also resent his dishonesty, which is what he came home with again.
I'm feeling like this is way too much hard work, last trip home was wonderful, such closeness, this time it's s$$t!!!!! I had a discussion with someone re me changing and his resistance to that, how when I'm good he's good, if I happen to go down a bit he hits the ground, I don't like appearing to be responsible for his emotional moods and attitudes but that is exactly what he tells me happens...and it sucks. I have seen and heard control issues coming up and twisting of my words to suit him, turning responsibility to me where it's not mine to own. I told him the other night I wasn't owning his stuff anymore, that I've always taken his and mine and I refuse to, I know that didn't go down too well at all. We had been trundling along well, occasional disagreements here and there and disgruntlements, however the communication had begun to get better and we were able to resolve things quickly...why have we gone back here? it's draining me and I am unhappy again.

[flickchic]

Actually something that just came to mind is perhaps his fear; fear of me getting well, re the initial kick off to the unrest this time; i had spoken with him b4 he boarded the plane home, he was in the que, i told him safe journey and 'i love you' (as I often do and to which he usually responds), well I was left with silence, so I said, hmm oh well thank's for that, going now goodbye...hear him say bye and I hung up. It was going through my head that he didn't express himself because of who (???) may have been nearby...now this doesn't usually bother him....so I fought with that one and decided that perhaps he hadn't heard me and that I ought not "assume". When he landed I apologised to him for my bluntness and then he rolled immediately into an explanation of what had happened. OK, until a few hours later when he reacted negatively to something I had joked about and then he threw the earlier stuff in my face and said that I was the most unforgiving person he's ever met because I don't let things go. How he knew that as soon as he landed I would demand an explanation.....and that is what I had done, (apparently).....then he went on to say that b4 he'd landed he'd had to wonder if it was worth coming home...woah back, that one hurt!!!!amazing how one can get caught up in their own b.sh.....I had accepted within myself that he hadn't done anything purposely to hurt me and yet he attacked me later.....it just came to me that he (on old judgement) was expecting me to attack him so he was already geared up in defencive mode, when it didn't come he must have been very confused and felt out of control of the situation!!!! Hence all the attempts to shove stuff in my face for the rest of the arvo about my past behaviours and with it him trying to regain a sense of control. Sadly he has regained his control because I "ENABLED it", by reacting and letting myself get down.....uh oh!!!!!!and even though he may not like me this way at least he knows sure ground and is in his old comfort zone withing the r.ship.....wow what an ugly mess. I do not wish to particiapate in this battle of wills and power any longer. Respond with love Felicity, it doens't mean you're giving away your own power it doesn't mean you're giving control to him, it simply means that you're taking care of yourself and being true to yourself by doing God's Will and loving others no matter their behaviour. It doesn't mean I agree with his behaviour, it means I understand that he is in his own sickness and even so is still a loveable being and deserving of love. and coming to that Felicity is able to return to being a loving person and not angry and full of posion. You get what you give.

something else that came to me; the guilt that is eating me for wanting to spend time here at home with my cyber family and reading my books, when M is at home....he's taken to looking over my shoulder often again, make me feel very uncomfortable, he's invading my privacy, I get up early to try and be here b4 he gets up so that then I can be with him when he's up....the other morning when he awoke and I made him coffee he appealed to me for my company while he awoke....fair point, I did, then I returned here and he was back over my shoulder. I'm treading egg shells on saying anything though as we had a huge blu over privacy once before that become very ugly and i am not prepared to go there again.....however I must find a way otherwise I'ts going to bbubble inside of me anyway.
He has in the past since I joined here commented on the time I spend here when he is home, so I tried to adjust it a little, less time here, more with him, expecially in the evenings, as he said he was missing my company.....irony here he said I used to strangle him with wanting to be with him every mo he was home, now that I have given him and I space and tried to remove myself from many aspects of the co-depancy I am getting much grief for it.....why.....well hey let's look at the mirror....he too is co-dependant. Not that he would ever admit to it, not at this time whilst being an active alchie anyways!!!!!! He will sit in the study with me, read the paper, play his guitar, then when he wants my attention he expects me to cease and give it to him. He is very attention seeking when he drinks too, especially if I am on the phone to the children I have noticed.....man this is hard work!!!! Not only do I have to work on getting me better now I am faced with working on living with an active addict who is co-dependant. God has his reasons I have no doubt, and yes God will not give me more than He feels He and I can handle together, sometimes I do question that, however I guess I ought be honoured that God feels I, with His help am able to deal with so much at once. I am honoured God feels I have the strengths to cope.

I do feel better for having vented and shared thank's for reading.:42: