Relapse and Getting Back

[BTGOG]

Hi-- I'm new to this board. I first got sober in July 1986, went to lots of meetings, got a sponsor, worked the steps, life became great. Slowly, but surely, became more and more engrossed in my profession, traveling a lot on business, and after about 16 years sober, pretty much stopped going to meetings. Then, one day, three weeks before what would have been my 18 year sober birthday, I took a drink. Nothing I had heard or learned to do "kicked in" before that drink. Stayed out for over 2 years, ashamed to come back. I returned finally in September 2006; and now have 15 months. It has been a tremendous struggle, and sometimes I have really bad days filled with shame and remorse. I do have a sponsor, and I'm in Step Six now, but often am experiencing "one step forward, two steps back" in terms of my emotional sobriety. Just trying to remember: This too shall pass. Thanks for reading. --BTGOG

[admin]

:67: BTGOG! :17: Glad to have you join us here. Congratulations on 15 months! :29: I suggest you put down that big stick because you have beat yourself enough. Now you need to forgive yourself. I have relapsed before so have many others. We pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and start again. Please make yourself at home here. Feel free to continue to share with us. We are here for you. You are not alone. :42:

[anniemac]

Thanks for sharing, BTGOG. Your story is important to me as a great reminder of the need to remain ever vigilant. I'm glad that you've made it back in to the rooms.:D

[DianaMarie7968]

glad you amde it back, my sponser relapsed after 8 years , but now she's comming up on 9 years , dont worrie about it , you made it back alive! glad you shared, thank you because i need you to recover, best wishes to you, Diana

[kaistevens]

Thank you so much for sharing, BTGOG! I definately needed to hear that.

It is so easy to forget that my disease is ever vigilant, always. And, of course, that shame and remorse IS the disease, telling you it is not there and that you failed. When, really, you are not a loser, but you are exactly what you are, what I am, an alcoholic/addict. I can forget that so easy.

I have just over 3 1/2 years sober, but before the alcohol, there was something else wrong, like a birth defect of sorts. So, now that I am sober, I am going to the doctors in search of a solution to my health problems. That has nothing to do with Alcoholism, Right? Peolpe in meetings don't want to hear about that, and can't understand that. "What tha...?"

I haven't been making it to meetings. About one every other week, or less. And I have been feeling like I am dying. But, that wasn't the problem, right? This is my health problem, right? Well, I have a pretty smart HP, and he gives me what I need.

Yesterday, at work, I was needed to instruct one of our Drug and Alcohol Education classes, because the instructor could not make it. Mind you, this was NOT a meeting. These are people who are court ordered to attend these classes as an alternative to prison.
So they have this video to watch, then I just try to ask some thought provoking questions. "Have any of you experience any of those things in the film?" "Did any of you identify with any of the stories?" No one.
So, I just talked casually about some of my experiences. I didn't use a lot of AAisms, and didn't even talk about the steps. This was like just before step one, I just talked about the disease, why I had to look for help, and what a difference 12 step recovery has made in my life.

OH MY GOD!!! I had forgotten how that felt! To share my experience, strength, and hope. To say out loud, and suddenly remember, why I came to AA. Wlhat it was like before I got here. Why I keep going, and keep myself burried in this program. It's not that I stopped taking my recovery seriously, I've just seen this health thing as an unrelated problem. But my disease is still diligently waiting on me. Doing push-up and getting stronger. And it doesn't matter what else comes into my life, my disease is still right there.

I am so grateful you made it back. And I SO needed to read what you shared. That shame and remorse is just THE DISEASE, telling you it's not there, keeping the past enlarged and magnified in your eyes, trying to distract you from the solution.

You are here. You are alive. And you have this new, valuable experience to share. You are a miracle, and I thank my HP for you, and for seeing you safely home, because I SO need to hear what you have to say.

Love ya. Keep coming back. There's no place like home.

Kai

[reddwritinghood]

Thanks, BTGOG, for sharing. That must have really taken a lot of courage and guts to come back when you did. Like the others said...we've all relapsed in some way or another...and it IS hard to come back!! It gets harder with each slip...but I do believe that it takes what it takes to get you where you are today. Look forward, not behind, and keep doing what is put in front of you to do today. (Hey...I'm talkin' to myself here, too..these are all things I have to remind myself of all the time!) I'm grateful for this program and the fellowship. I'm 6 years sober, and still have lots to learn. Thanks for letting me share....I'm new to this board...Jeanne:17:

[kaistevens]

Hey BTGOG! How goes it? Just wanted to say,

"Thank God you're here. Keep coming back."

Love ya later, Kai

[admin]

:67: Jeanne! :17: Glad to have you join us here. Keep coming and sharing with us. :42:

[BTGOG]

Thanks, Kai. I've actually had a great week. Made it to my meetings, talked to my sponsor each day, spent time in prayer and meditation each morning, and had productive days at work. I am so very grateful to be sober--today it is 15 months, two weeks. I was asked to be the 40 minute speaker at a meeting tonight. I was nervous, but just prayed, and showed up, and shared my story. There was a mixture of oldtimers and newcomers at the meeting. After the meeting, several of the oldtimers came up to me and said that I shared exactly what they needed to hear: the subtle signs preceding my relapse, and my inability to recognize those signs even after many years sober and lots of PREVIOUS involvement in the steps and the Program. I am VERY grateful today to be sober. I'm beginning to experience what my sponsor shared with me when I first came back 15 months ago: that if I stayed -- a day at a time -- I would have many opportunities to offer my E,S&H to both newcomers and oldtimers and that I would once again feel like a useful member of our fellowship. Thank God for my sponsor, for my AA home group, and for all the folks on this board. Please keep coming back! I need you!!!

[Misselle]

Hi BTGOG - I did the same, but only after a bit over 2 years sober. I started a new job where everyone drinks quite a bit - all social activity seems to involve the bar. So I thought "maybe..."

A good friend of mine once told me that no matter how long you have been sober, the one thing that a 20 year sober person has in common with the newly sober is that that drink is always available... we are all just one drink away from a relapse. It is so hard to remember though when temptation hits.

Thank you for sharing your experience!

[janbear]

Hi BTGOG :17: I really enjoyed your sharing. I dont what to add to what has already been said, but i remember a relapse i had years ago, it really messed with my head. Someone came up to me and said, Its terrible having a belly full of booze and a head full of AA".

I am glad you are here. Congratulations on 15 months. :85: Keep coming back.

[beth a]

Thank you. I was in the fellowship for only a year and a half and went back out and took my time coming beack because of embarressment but the one thing I have heard is that we are addicts. We use-that's what our nature and ourcomfortable state is at so like bludkiti said put down the stick. Thank God you made it back and that you are plugging in-anything you put before your recovery you will lose. So much love

[BTGOG]

Thanks, beth. What I'm finding is that if I go to a meeting each day, things are very good. When I miss a meeting, I begin to feel disconnected, and eventually allow my head to convince me of what a failure I am. My first time in the program was result of the typical "low" bottom: lost job, lost apartment, lost car, deeply in debt, lost relationship with significant other. My relapse, however, resulted in what some term a "high" bottom: still had the profession, two cars, fantastic house, and a relationship (although damaged) with the man I love. But, that "high" bottom in some ways was infinitely worse: I had known the peace and serenity offered by the Program and God, knew that it was available to me again, but couldn't surrender due to pride and ego. I know in the depths of my soul that this is all about an "inside job." During my relapse, as I sat in my million dollar home (which I only have as a result of sobriety anyway), drinking wine and trying to figure out why I had become so unhappy, I could only think about all of the wonderful people I met in sobriety, and how much I just wanted to be sober again. As they say "it took what it took", and I'm grateful that God once again answered my cry for help, and gave me the courage to come back, stand up as a newcomer, and start my life again. BTW, I'm sponsoring a new woman now, and I found myself telling her tonight: "make 30 meetings in 30 days." As my sponsor says, now I have to follow my own advice. : )