I know that I need help

[loocoti]

I know that I need help and I also know that I am the only one who can do it. I need to be dedicated to wanting the help if I am to get help. This all feels so impossible to do. I went to get sober from alcohol and I have been doing really well with that, but the benzos are just a whole different story. When I went to the treatment center I told them that I wanted to get off of them and I did. I was very, very serious about wanting to quit EVERYTHING! But now things have just changed.

I went to my Dr. today and I told him that I haven't been weening off the benzos and he said "that's ok...you don't have to do that all at once." I don't even have to manipulate this Dr. He is just so willing to allow me to stay on the benzos and he always asks how much I take and just prescribes me that ammount. Now I don't tell him some ridiculous ammount or anything. I don't say "well I pop 10 mg of klonopin a day" How stupid would that be? But if I tell him I take 1.5 mg some days and other days 1mg he will be satisfied and prescribe me 1mg tabs and put a couple refills on the bottles. I already have a bunch of pills in my possesion as is. I do have a problem and I know that I do, but I feel like I can't help myself.

I am ashamed of myself for keeping this up. I am very ashamed. I do not want to talk to my therapist about it anymore. I want to just hide it. I feel like dropping out of my D&A group because what is the sence in going any longer if I'm not ready to surrender my pills? What is the use? I am SO not looking forward to faceing my counselor on Friday. I don't want to tell her, but there is no sence in lying either.

I am SO confused! So frustrated with myself. I hope one day to be able to just be free.

:(Sue

[admin]

((((Sue)))) :42: :195:

[kaistevens]

Take it one day at a time, one step at a time. Tell your doctor about you addiction. Some doctor's still aren't very good about being careful once you have told them.

Keep going to meetings. And don't feel like you ever have to do ANYTHING forever. Just for today. Get a trusted friend in the program to help you be accountable for medications. And talk to members about helping you get rid of the pills.

Just take one step at a time and keep coming back. As long as you're here, there's always hope.

Kai

[anniemac]

Hi Loocoti,

Have you prayed for the willingness? I stopped drinking in May of 2002; it took me another 7 months to let go of narcotics. I was going to AA meetings, counting days, considering myself sober, but taking coedine pills. It took a while for me to be willing to let go of them, too. No one knew I was taking them, so I was working the Steps in AA as if I was sober. Finally the deception was killing me and I came clean and stopped taking them and adjusted my sober date.

Your uncomfortability about telling your therapist is, to me, a good sign. Maybe you're one step closer to being willing to let go.

[Montauktammy]

Impossible odds My Clean date is 9/10/2001 and I am from Long Island NY, I did not get clean to save the world from me, but to get my child back. As I went on this path I found that no matter what I did the state of NY would not give me my child back. I was clean 3 years and they still told me no. this was the point I gave up thinking that I would have to be the kind of mom who paid child support and saw my child on the weekends. The other problem is her father whom she was living with was a big time drinker, as he was hitting his bottom I was getting my recovery, but the courts could not see any of this they could only see who I was before. On January 5th 2004 my child was involved in a small finder bender with her father driving her to school. My phone rang at 8:30am and I worked 2 jobs at this point so I had only gotten home around 12 or 1 I woke up for the phone call? Don't know how but I do know if I was loaded I would not have. My child was 7 years old now she is 11 years old her father is in jail and My child spoke at a friends funeral who was killed by a drunk driver this past weekend. What I am trying to say is things and people change when you come in to recovery. A Junkie like me has her child, and will own her Home in 5 years I make house payments? How did that happen? I was lucky to keep my lights on before recovery.

[anniemac]

Wow, Tammi ~ being one day sober on 9/11/01 in New York must have been overwhelming, to say the least! Your story is a great one and filled with a lot of hope. Thanks for sharing it!

[Montauktammy]

Yeah my Clean Date is 9/10/2001, but I did not get to a meeting till 10/26/2001 after the court hearing where I lost custody of my kid, it is not me that has keep me clean for the past 6 years it is Love and a Higher Power That Kicks Butt. Oh and might i put a plug in for some Sponsorship, that help me get The steps done 2 times and now on my 3rd time with the steps Sponsors are wonderful can't stay clean with out em

[loocoti]

Thank you for the replies and the inspiration. I am going to try to hit a meeting this weekend.