I don't want to go to meeting and put my self out there! I don't trust people to not

[Montauktammy]

:2: just don't know what is going on with me, I feel like why bother, everyone else has given up on me I guess I am the next one to, or may be I just got to wait till this Holiday stuff passes. I am doing my step work and call my sponsor everyday. Just not feeling it. Maybe it is just a funk. I don't want to go to meeting and put my self out there! I don't trust people to not hurt me, and I know that if I stay alone that no one can hurt me, but me. I get sick at the thought of allowing all that madness back in my life with people. I just don't think I can do it any more. I put my self out here and I feel like why so I can keep feeling unaccepted by this fellowship? Why do I have to be accepted? Why do I feel the need to have others love me why? I don't think it is so necessary any more do get it jaded I know I need to love others, but I don't need to keep getting the door slammed in my face that keeps telling me I am not good enough to be there. I keep working on it but I keep coming up with the same thing, I am better off alone and my program tells me that's wrong I feel filled with questions and confused about it all:evil:

[barbie25]

God has ot given up on you. This means we your fellow AAer's have not either. I understand how you feel and have also been there. But please do not give up. Just when you think you can't trust someone, someone will reach out to you. Hang in there!!!!! :):):)

[BTGOG]

You are not alone. I have felt the very same things and have the same trust issues. I have to force myself to remember that when I refuse to go to meetings, and spend too much time by myself, my disease goes into real active mode and begins to tell me all sorts of things: I'm a failure; no one understands; everybody at the meetings seems to be happy, but I'm not; etc. etc. etc. My sponsor has put me back on a 30 meetings in 30 days plan so that I can get out of my funk. I'm praying for you. Please don't leave us; WE NEED YOU.

[Montauktammy]

Well I am kind of stuck any way you see I have to stay clean because that is the only way I can keep my daughter her dad is in jail and I get no child support, but I Am all she has. I think that her life depends on me, but the truth is I would not even be clean for 6 years if it where not for her. I would have not gotten clean at all if it was not for her she was and a lot of the time is the only reason I keep going to meeting I want to be a good mom for her. The fact is if I don't stay in recovery no one else, but the state at this point can have legal custody of her and I love her too.

[anniemac]

Hi Tammi,

For me, I had a hard time "putting myself out there" because I didn't like me. I allowed myself to be defined by what I thought others were thinking of me. I didn't grasp the expression, "what others think of you is none of your business"; I thought, "well, of COURSE it's my business!" I had no esteem from within; I was totally defined by externals.

Finally, after lots and lots of Step work and "outside help" of various forms, I learned to love myself....and at the same time, was no longer fearful of being vulnerable. I finally knew that I was much less prone to be hurt by others because what they did was a reflection of who they are, not of who I am. Also, I put my trust in my Higher Power; people are fallable.

How about going to meetings to listen, but don't share if you're not comfortable? Or find a smaller group, or a womens' group, or a group in another town? My personal experience is that I had to put myself in uncomfortable (vulnerable) situations in order to get better. Playing it safe all the time didn't help me grow.

By the way, I don't know how many Montauks there are in this world, but if you're in the one that's on the South Fork, I'm about 2 hours west of you and I just love your neck of the woods!

[admin]

Hey Montauktammy, You are aren't alone in your feelings. I have them also. I just recently was hurt by a friend. But you know if I don't take that chance then I may be missing out on something beautiful because not everyone is the same thank goodness. For sure God is always here and He always loves me unconditionally and in that I take comfort. My sponsor told me once that my total reliance is to be on God. It's not always easy to trust others. I guess we can do it together a little bit at a time - one step at a time - one day at a time. :42:

[barbie25]

My daughter is also a reason I quit drinking. I wanted to give her a good role model. I wanted to show her a better way of life. Her father is also not in the picture. He has his own demons to fight. It seems at sometimes there is alot against us. But as long has we keep our heads and hearts pointed towards Heaven I believe all will be right. I know it hurts but I also know it does get better. Time heals all. :):):):)

[Montauktammy]

You know I love my job it is like no other, it is the truest test of my sanity.

I am on the phone with a customer
Hello I am calling from B***** Honda we are doing a follow up to make sure you did not have any concerns about your service.
Well when I came in to pick up my car the window was not working.
Ok sir let me see what was done to your car and we will take it from there
Ok
Sir you had a fuel injection service and an oil change right?
Yes
Ok and the service advisor gave you a quote on a window regulator?
Yes
Ok sir would you like to set up an appointment to have your window fixed?
No I should not have to pay for it, it did not brake when I had it.
We did not do anything with your window sir you had a fuel injection service and an oil change so we did work on your window
Well I understand that theses thing brake sometimes but you had it when the regulator went out so it I think you should pay for it.
Sir have you ever had you window regulator replaced since you bought the car?
No
Ok sir we will look into this for you
(this means look dude your car is a 94 are you kidding me? Why me who's wise idea was it to put me in customer relations any way?)
At least i can still get a chuckel at life Right

[barbie25]

Laughter is and always will be one of the best sounds in life. I love to laugh and smile. :):):)

[neesey]

i have always been one of the pushovers, so ppl tend to really screw me over.even my preacher, about 6 mos ago, i went to him for help with my addiction, not only did he not know what to tell me, but he told everyone in the church about it.ouch. there are good ppl out there, and if we avoid everyone, we will miss them too.

[genabea]

I feel the same way right now. I don't want to go to meetings. I am very resentful of anything I have to do for my recovery. I don't want to be sick, but I don't want to do the work by being vulnerable either. I am ashamed of myself for getting back into my addictions. I realize I have to go to meetings and actively work for my abstinence or I will be back in my disease of compulsively overeating and overspending. UGH!!!! I think it is worth all the work in the long run.

[Montauktammy]

Yeah I had a ruff day yesterday, but I do what I always do when I am having a ruff day and I stop and think about how much better my life is and pull it back to gratitude. I went to a meeting 12th step who could have asked for a better one? I work with a couple of new comers under a year show them stuff out of the how and why that will help them move on from where they are, the fact that I now have the ability to do that I find more gratitude, I Remember looking at those books trying to keep the words on the page and reading it over and over and just not understanding what all of it meant, I had to ask someone for help. It feels so long ago, but those new comers bring it right back home for me. The shaking and thinking how in Gods name am I ever going to do this? How am I going to be able to unteach myself? Well the fact is I did nothing but have a little willingness to learn something different. I told them about my DiS EASE that is what I have most days, I was thinking when I was talking all these things I act out on sex, anger, taking things in to my world that are not good for me it is all a part of my DIS EASE trying to drop them one by one, not trusting that God has me. Cuz you know that I am still not sure that God can do all of this life thing with out my help. And I said that in the meeting too. Fear. This thing I have my DIS EASE if I allow it to will beat me down so that I feel so bad about being a human being and making mistakes it will allow me to kill my self or truly what it want is to kill my Sprit.
Have a blessed day

[cryingout]

I know how you feel. Sometimes meetings scare me too. Going to meetings today is hard for me because meetings force me to become honest with me. I've had some great accomplishments in my life and many failures due to my DISEASE. But it is easy for me to hide behind my triumphs so that others won't see that I am really screwed up. In my daily vocation I am a Pastor whose job it is to speak life into the lives of others, yet I suffer with a disease that does not care the title of the sermon I preach on Sundays. Meetings are teaching me the true essence of who GOD really is and I am finding new ways to know him through people, and through this forum. During my own personal sufferings I asked God to help me get sober and he introduced me to the rooms of recovery. Its just like HIM to be out of the box... Anyway I am learning in meetings that sharing where I am instead of acting out what I feel provides another opportunity for me to live in the here and now without drinking. It's funny, When I think of my congregation, They can use meetings too. HOW FUNNY IS THAT!!!
Anyway, I'm glad to be apart of a family that finally makes some sense. hang in there.

[The Colonial]

Hello,
It's just me, I pop in here once in a while cause it's quiet and like me people are looking for real answers and guidence. My suggestion (and I'm the last one to talk, believe me) is you go to meetings and don't put yourself out there, just say "I pass"on your turn but listen, oh my yes listen. and maybe after awhile you'll want to say something maybe not.
But you were at a meeting.