Need another perspective please

[TheOtherMom]

My story is a very long one and I will spare everyone all of the details in this thread. The good news is we are well on the road to recovery which I have learned is a lifetime journey with many stops and no real final destination.

What I am looking for is perspective on a situation. My step son is coming home from being away in rehab for several months. While in rehab his mother divorced for the second time and is already in another semi-serious relationship. She spends most nights away from home not giving my step son's sister (my step daughter - obviously) the attention that she needs. She has already introduced the new boyfriend to both kids when step son was home on a home pass a couple of weeks ago.

Mom and boyfriend spend a lot of time in bars. Not a great example I'd say, but then I'm not the judge am I.

Step son will live with us upon his return from rehab for obvious reasons.

What are your thoughts on moms actions? Should one start a new relationship that needs lots of work while one's son is in rehab? Should one introduce the kids to someone who will possibly not be there tomorrow? Should one focus on someone who can't possibly help with the recovering addicts recovery?

I've kept my opinions about the situation to myself. After all, like I said before I'm not the judge of other people. I'm just looking for another perspective on things whether it be good, bad or indifferent.

Thank you so much for reading this. I'm certain I will be back reading and posting as our journey continues.

[dalin]

Hi freind,
If he is going to be staying with you,it could benafit you hugely to attend
some nararanon,or alanon meetings.
Alot of recovery is about letting go of ideas of others and focusing on
us,and the things about us we can change.
Welcome to the site.
And welcome to the recovery family

[kaistevens]

I'm Kai, I'm an alcoholic.

I understand struggling with the decisions of other people, but then again, I remember the struggles that other people have had with my decisions. I want to say, "Yeah, but what about the kids." until I remember the things that I put my kids through as I bumped my way to my bottom. I got pretty self-righteous when I got sober, suddenly when I was turning my life around, I had much to say about all the people who were not following in my footsteps.

My ex-husband did not change when I got sober, only I did. He is still doing things that I don't agree with. Things that have an effect on my children. All I ever did was drive drunk with my kids, or come home in the wee hours of the morning plastered, or come home in the wee hours of the morning plastered with some strange man who was plastered.

My self-will ran riot for years and I hurt people, my children included. Pointing fingers at 'the other' people in their life, who are still doing things their way, sounds dangerously close to taking that person's inventory and doing that eventually got me drunk.

I keep any and all negative opinions of ANY of the other people in my children's life to myself. I let them know that they can always talk to me about anything. And I don't blow up, half-cocked when I hear something that I don't agree with. And I always, ALWAYS keep my children lifted up in prayer. I'm the only member of my kid's family in recovery, but there is a lot of sickness, from all sides. They are sick, and I have to think of them that way. I have my hands full trying to keep myself on a healthy track.

My suggestion: Pray for the mother. Pray for the child. Read Big Book pages 66 and 67. Go to a meeting. Call your sponsor. Keep coming back.

Kai

[anniemac]

I try not to think about "shoulds". It's not for me to say what this woman should or should not do. When someone's behaviors have me twisted up, I try to remember that each of us do the best that we are capable of. Some people are less capable than others.

[TheOtherMom]

Anniemac,

I've never thought of it that way. :D

[TheOtherMom]

Thanks Kai!

[anniemac]

Anniemac,

I've never thought of it that way. :D

Learning that was a big lesson for me. I used to think that all humans had the same capabilities and that some people just didn't live up to them. I figured if anyone applied themselves enough, they could do better. I was imposing my will on everyone else in the world - assuming that they needed to be just like me.

When I learned to celebrate our differences instead of expect identical thinking, my world opened up. Also, not only did I become more compassionate toward others, but I also eased up on myself a bit too.

Just like some kids struggle in math while others whiz through it, some people are more emotionally capable than others. Allowing others their humanness is very freeing for me.

[The Colonial]

Hi,
I'm guessing but your step-son msy have already brought this topic up in a group or councelling at rehab and my have some thoughts of his own about his bio-mom's behavior and relationships.