admin
06-19-2006, 06:46 AM
clean42day:
You Can Rise No Higher Than Your Lowest Opinion of Another
Children need food and water. Their survival depends on that. But
they also need recognition, acceptance, and love. Their emotional
health depends on that. Just as plants that are insufficiently
watered wither and die or have their growth stunted, children who
are denied sufficient love grow up wounded. Their wounds hurt.
Unless they learn how to heal themselves, they will look for
temporary relief.
Wounded children grow up and become wounded adults. Since no one
taught us how to heal ourselves, we seek momentary relief by
always trying to be right. Yes, many of us have a need to be
right all the time. For we associate being right with being
worthy. Suppose you and I engaged in a conversation and I
strongly disagreed with everything you said, how would you feel?
The average person would feel threatened and insecure, for if I
challenge your ideas, I'm challenging you.
If I treated your ideas as worthless, wouldn't I be suggesting
that you, too, are worthless? Why would I do that? Well, we
criticize others to feel better about ourselves. So, in order to
make up for the love that I was denied as a child, I attack you,
a perfectly innocent person! Not that I want to punish you; I
just want you to admit that I am right and you are wrong, for in
doing so, I will get the recognition and approval I desperately
seek.
Even if I were to get you to admit I am right, all I would
succeed in doing is to transfer my pain to you. My relief would
come at your expense. So, regardless who wins the argument, we
both lose because our relationship would suffer. We are only as
strong or as weak as our relationships, so it doesn't make any
sense to damage them. When dealing with co-workers, friends, and
family, we have to ask ourselves, do I want to be right and
weaker or agreeable and stronger; do I want to think about ME or
do I want to think about WE?
Besides weakening our relationships, insisting on being right has
the awful consequence of transforming us into the person we don't
want to be. You see, we become arrogant, self-righteous, and
sanctimonious. Our narrow-minded and know-better-than-you
attitude drives people away.
It's not only people we drive away. We also drive away knowledge.
For by refusing to consider the opinions of others, we slam the
door on new ideas. One of the greatest thinkers of our time,
Edward de Bono, had this to say, "The need to be right all the
time is the biggest bar to new ideas. It is better to have enough
ideas for some of them to be wrong than to be always right by
having no ideas at all."
When someone expresses opinions that differ from yours, there is
good reason to stop and listen. After all, you can be wrong!
Think back; how many of the ideas that you held ten years ago
have you changed? It's impossible for us to improve without
CHANGING for the better. Our thoughts, opinions, and beliefs also
need changing. Sometimes they need to be replaced. Other times
they merely need to be broadened or improved by commingling the
ideas of others with our own.
When we remain open-minded and willingly embrace the ideas of
others, we participate in our own self-growth. And as we see
ourselves improve, we raise our level of self-esteem, thereby
decreasing our need to always be right. Also, by welcoming the
ideas of others, we increase their confidence. Those who need to
be right depend on others for their self-esteem. They need to
have others recognize and approve of them. But as we grow
increasingly interested in DOING right, rather than BEING right,
we boost our confidence and self-respect and are no longer
dependent on others for our own happiness.
So, always try to be open-minded. When others speak, don't look
for points to disagree with, but look for wisdom that you can add
to your own. The open-minded see the truth in different things,
but the narrow-minded see only the differences. We need our
differences. For they provide us with more options and
possibilities, making us stronger and wiser.
Another reason for welcoming our differences is that they offer
an opportunity to give the treasured gifts of tolerance and
acceptance to others. By relinquishing our right to be right and
turning over power to others we grant them the right to be
themselves. One can hardly offer anyone a greater gift. If,
despite our urge to be right, we act generously, we will discover
the exciting truth that we have enough inner strength to conquer
our vulnerabilities. As our mentality changes from victim to
victor, our self-doubts slowly dissolve.
Another discovery we will make is that it is only after
recognizing and accepting others that we will finally find the
recognition and acceptance we have been looking for. Yet another
discovery is that our bad habits do not have to define us, for we
can change our thoughts and behaviour at any time.
The path to change involves being aware of our thoughts and
asking the right questions. For example, if you find yourself
constantly arguing with your spouse, you need to ask yourself,
"Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? Do I want to be
an individual who is always right or do I want to be part of a
loving relationship? Do I want to be right and hurtful or do I
want to be accepting and caring. Do I wish to take what I can
from this relationship and weaken it or do I wish to contribute
what I can to it and strengthen it?
Ralph constantly gets irritated by his wife's "stupid" questions.
She asks him about things that she already knows the answer to.
That upsets Ralph because it is "illogical" to ask about what you
already know. But it is Ralph who is illogical because his anger
is driving a wedge between him and his wife, Courtney. Does that
make any sense? What Ralph did not understand is that Courtney
was not ASKING QUESTIONS, she was merely MAKING CONVERSATION. She
was expressing her love by inviting her husband to speak. She was
working on building the relationship, which is the logical thing
to do.
Perhaps we can't all be experts on the differences between the
way men and women think, but we don't have to be. All we have to
do is respect others and abandon our need to be right. As long as
we do the right thing, things will work out right. Finally, be
careful of what you think of others, for you can rise no higher
than your lowest opinion of another.
By Chuck Gallozzi
gallozzi@interlog.com
You Can Rise No Higher Than Your Lowest Opinion of Another
Children need food and water. Their survival depends on that. But
they also need recognition, acceptance, and love. Their emotional
health depends on that. Just as plants that are insufficiently
watered wither and die or have their growth stunted, children who
are denied sufficient love grow up wounded. Their wounds hurt.
Unless they learn how to heal themselves, they will look for
temporary relief.
Wounded children grow up and become wounded adults. Since no one
taught us how to heal ourselves, we seek momentary relief by
always trying to be right. Yes, many of us have a need to be
right all the time. For we associate being right with being
worthy. Suppose you and I engaged in a conversation and I
strongly disagreed with everything you said, how would you feel?
The average person would feel threatened and insecure, for if I
challenge your ideas, I'm challenging you.
If I treated your ideas as worthless, wouldn't I be suggesting
that you, too, are worthless? Why would I do that? Well, we
criticize others to feel better about ourselves. So, in order to
make up for the love that I was denied as a child, I attack you,
a perfectly innocent person! Not that I want to punish you; I
just want you to admit that I am right and you are wrong, for in
doing so, I will get the recognition and approval I desperately
seek.
Even if I were to get you to admit I am right, all I would
succeed in doing is to transfer my pain to you. My relief would
come at your expense. So, regardless who wins the argument, we
both lose because our relationship would suffer. We are only as
strong or as weak as our relationships, so it doesn't make any
sense to damage them. When dealing with co-workers, friends, and
family, we have to ask ourselves, do I want to be right and
weaker or agreeable and stronger; do I want to think about ME or
do I want to think about WE?
Besides weakening our relationships, insisting on being right has
the awful consequence of transforming us into the person we don't
want to be. You see, we become arrogant, self-righteous, and
sanctimonious. Our narrow-minded and know-better-than-you
attitude drives people away.
It's not only people we drive away. We also drive away knowledge.
For by refusing to consider the opinions of others, we slam the
door on new ideas. One of the greatest thinkers of our time,
Edward de Bono, had this to say, "The need to be right all the
time is the biggest bar to new ideas. It is better to have enough
ideas for some of them to be wrong than to be always right by
having no ideas at all."
When someone expresses opinions that differ from yours, there is
good reason to stop and listen. After all, you can be wrong!
Think back; how many of the ideas that you held ten years ago
have you changed? It's impossible for us to improve without
CHANGING for the better. Our thoughts, opinions, and beliefs also
need changing. Sometimes they need to be replaced. Other times
they merely need to be broadened or improved by commingling the
ideas of others with our own.
When we remain open-minded and willingly embrace the ideas of
others, we participate in our own self-growth. And as we see
ourselves improve, we raise our level of self-esteem, thereby
decreasing our need to always be right. Also, by welcoming the
ideas of others, we increase their confidence. Those who need to
be right depend on others for their self-esteem. They need to
have others recognize and approve of them. But as we grow
increasingly interested in DOING right, rather than BEING right,
we boost our confidence and self-respect and are no longer
dependent on others for our own happiness.
So, always try to be open-minded. When others speak, don't look
for points to disagree with, but look for wisdom that you can add
to your own. The open-minded see the truth in different things,
but the narrow-minded see only the differences. We need our
differences. For they provide us with more options and
possibilities, making us stronger and wiser.
Another reason for welcoming our differences is that they offer
an opportunity to give the treasured gifts of tolerance and
acceptance to others. By relinquishing our right to be right and
turning over power to others we grant them the right to be
themselves. One can hardly offer anyone a greater gift. If,
despite our urge to be right, we act generously, we will discover
the exciting truth that we have enough inner strength to conquer
our vulnerabilities. As our mentality changes from victim to
victor, our self-doubts slowly dissolve.
Another discovery we will make is that it is only after
recognizing and accepting others that we will finally find the
recognition and acceptance we have been looking for. Yet another
discovery is that our bad habits do not have to define us, for we
can change our thoughts and behaviour at any time.
The path to change involves being aware of our thoughts and
asking the right questions. For example, if you find yourself
constantly arguing with your spouse, you need to ask yourself,
"Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? Do I want to be
an individual who is always right or do I want to be part of a
loving relationship? Do I want to be right and hurtful or do I
want to be accepting and caring. Do I wish to take what I can
from this relationship and weaken it or do I wish to contribute
what I can to it and strengthen it?
Ralph constantly gets irritated by his wife's "stupid" questions.
She asks him about things that she already knows the answer to.
That upsets Ralph because it is "illogical" to ask about what you
already know. But it is Ralph who is illogical because his anger
is driving a wedge between him and his wife, Courtney. Does that
make any sense? What Ralph did not understand is that Courtney
was not ASKING QUESTIONS, she was merely MAKING CONVERSATION. She
was expressing her love by inviting her husband to speak. She was
working on building the relationship, which is the logical thing
to do.
Perhaps we can't all be experts on the differences between the
way men and women think, but we don't have to be. All we have to
do is respect others and abandon our need to be right. As long as
we do the right thing, things will work out right. Finally, be
careful of what you think of others, for you can rise no higher
than your lowest opinion of another.
By Chuck Gallozzi
gallozzi@interlog.com