Adult child

[Kate]

Hi. I am in alanon, and I can only get to one meeting a week. I am on step 5, step 4 was hard and I'm in a slump. As an adult child, I'm hoping to start talking with others like me. I feel so ... damaged. I keep leaving people in my wake. I am insecure, in spite of being very successful, decent looking etc. No one understands. Huge fear of abandonment, I literally panic. When my ex husband and I went to counselling I tried to explain how I felt I had no control and the counsellor just didn't understand. You seem like you have plenty of control she said. We stopped going shortly after that. I just feel so alone. And hopeless. I believe so much in the power of positive thinking, I just want to move on! I know I'm disfunctional. But to spend a whole day crying like I did today is so extreme and I just don't know how to pull myself out sometimes. I feel like I have destroyed everything with my fear, pride and selfishness. Yet I don't know how to be any different. I am scared. I am scared to be this way forever. Alone, bewildered and insecure. Waves of depression nearly overwhelm me. I very much want to be loved, but I don't know how to see myself, let alone love myself. I have driven away most of my support netowork and lost the rest in the divorce. My first (now ex) boyfriend after my husband was my trainer of 3 years. In fact he is why I left my husband three years ago. Huge power imbalance. It was almost cult-like. He was high energy, unreliable, chemically addicted to steroids, cocaine, dabbled in hillbilly heroin, .. you name it. When he left me for another of his athletes I nearly checked out. I was done. He kept calling and sending messages, I never really got over that high of being his girl, even though it was the most destructive love I have ever heard of. I have two boys. I want a better life for them. They love me and I love who I am with them. Its hard for me to love, I try so hard, I almost force it, knowing that I DO love my boys, but feeling numb all the time so its hard for it to get through. I feel like such a loser, but I just can't stay positive. And I have to. I just have to. How are the rest of you? My gratitude journal is running dry today. Its just a slump, but today, its dry.

[peajaye]

Hi Kate, I guess I'm following you around on the board tonight. The 4th and 5th step can get kind of hairy. Sounds like in doing a 4th step, you've stirred up the sh*t. Following through on the 5th step might help. Have you got a sponsor? I think you said you're in alanon? You've dredged up a lot of stuff and now need to dump it. You sound pretty normal to me :42:

[Bronx850]

:17: Hi-Thanks for sharing- God bless-send a prayer on your behave-lit a candle-Keep coming back!

Joy and Sorrow

Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."
And he answered:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

http://leb.net/gibran/works/prophet/prophet.html

[admin]

:67: Kate! :17:

[truenature]

I love your icons and user name. I have a blue-eyed kitty, too,a lilac-point lady named Maggie. Pets are such good models for learning self love in recovery....if we can learn to love ourselves as unconditionally as our animals do, it will help us so much in our recovery ! :1: