dalin
01-03-2008, 02:00 AM
Bob B.
Los Angeles, California – 45 years
My name is Bob and I’m an addict.
Hey Bob. (Audience)
(Bob sighs.)
Best I can say right now.
I want to thank Cathy for introducing me in such a magnificent manner. She didn’t pick over what she had learned from me from the years of saying, “I don’t know what year it was!” I have a problem with memory now. (Laughter) You talk about getting old and having the grace to get old, is another thing it seems we have to over come in a since of speaking. Hope we get some living in the process of being here. Because we have come a long way from where we started, so to speak.
I have the privilege probably to been involved in most of the things have happened in Narcotics Anonymous, almost since the inception of Narcotics Anonymous. Fortune in many ways; because for a few years there was nothing happening other than that one meeting my wife found and told me I’ve gotta go. (Laughter) Of course as sharp as I was, I sent her to the meeting. (Laughter) She didn’t have a problem. I was her problem, and I remained that for a lot of years too.
But as a blessing in disguise of our journey. Our begins and what happens in between. Once we actually do take time to look at what our lives have become. From where we came from and to where we are today, is a far piece.
And sometimes we gotta do our own inventory as to where we came from. I hope that you have had enough of what you had in your practice of a thing called addiction as we know, talking about active addiction, the addict is not going to disappear from you.
We gotta a problem with language in the beginning. We still have a problem with a language. Sometimes we don’t like being noted as addicts, we want to be something else. I don’t know what. What ever you want to be, you can be that too.
Don’t lose the sight of where you have to come from in the terms of this disease called addiction. We have to review from where came on many occasions to get some perspective of as the journey we are on. It is a worthwhile journey. Let me put it that way. Sometimes we don’t know when we walk in the doors of Narcotics Anonymous as to where we came from, where we’re going and what’s happening in between. We very often we have to do a survey in terms of our own progress, as to where we came from and we’ve come a far piece.
I guess I have to kind of identify in some way because, as they say I don’t look like the addict that came in the doors of Narcotics Anonymous; and I don’ t look like the addict that was out there on the street. So very often times we are misjudged; and in some crowds, as to say; “You don’t look like no addict. I don’t know what you look like, but I mean you don’t look like an addict.” But they haven’t been on my journey, like I have not been on your journey. And sometimes I see you come through the doors and I say, “You’re either too young, you’re to this, you’re to that and I just don’t know what you’re doing here, you know.” Cause you know, this is no place for a self-respecting individual to be hanging out at. But if you look at your track record, you’re probably is in the right place.
I told you that I got to Narcotics Anonymous by the insistence of others. Not because I got tired initially. Before I started practicing what Narcotics Anonymous is, I had to get to that place of desperation. As to what do I need this for? Or maybe I do need some help! Or things were getting so chaotic, that I better get some help before I die! You know, because we get here sometimes in death throws, and sometimes that is not a wake up call even there. Many of us have faced death straight in the face and said, “ Give me some more of that death killing whatever.”
I was born in Cleveland, Ohio. Which might be a mark against me, because it is the brunt of many expressions of jokes and so forth. That sewer on the lake you know. During the time I came up there was a lot things that said in some sense, “Just glad to be alive.” I grew up in the wrong time, in the wrong place, with the wrong parents, with all the wrong conditions going on. I’ve researched that very thoroughly, you know. I refuse to be what they wanted me to be. It is my objections to everything that seem to be around me that got me in so much trouble. Cause I was one of these here, that always asked questions. “Why? Why? Why? Why?”
I got a million a—whippin’s because of what I ask. Why? So I stopped asking why. I just went and done what I thought I was suppose to do and how I was suppose to do it; and took whatever consequences were. I didn’t grow up in a family where there were addicts. Fact is I didn’t know addiction was what it was about. Nobody talked about it. Drug addiction was not talked about, not in my household. I had no drug addicts I knew of in my household.
I had a lot of I’ll say “bad feelings”; because I developed these feelings, but I had no place to express how I felt. In my family we didn’t talk about feelings. Someone was talking about love, last night I think it was. One of the speakers was talking about love not being spoken. Love not spoken in my house. I can’t remember my mother telling me that she loved me all the time that I was in her house growing up. That’s a hell of a thing to put upon a child, that she don’t love me. She didn’t tell me she did love me because she done all the necessary things I think that mothers’ try to do. She tries to feed ‘em, clothe ‘em, house ‘em; you know. And give ‘em a good a—whippin’ when they needed it.
I seemed to needed it every day. That was means of getting attention. So I’d call, “Mom I’m over here” If that didn’t do, I would break something, throw something, get burnt, run out in front of a car; and get bandaged up, taped up, washed up and that was means of showing that she cared.
And I been thinking there was a program that was on last night talking about getting hit in the head. I got hit in the head all the time. It seemed if my head was always in the wrong place at the wrong time. A stick, a bottle, a bar or whatever the case may be. And now all I think of, maybe that was dependent on why I turned out the way I did. I had to try to find reasons for my dilemma where I came from.
It was five of us. All of us didn’t have the same father. Back then there was no father at all in the house. So I didn’t have that to contend with. Anybody that Mom had, I didn’t like him anyhow. He was taking up my space. Cause I was lookin’ for Mom. “Mom, I’m over here.”
She was unable to or unwilling to talk about feelings, talk about where she came from. And I didn’t know her pains, because I’m so involved in my own that I did not conceivably think about nobody else’s pain, but my own.
I use to get hurt a lot. When I was talk about getting hit in the head a lot. Before I was five-years-old, I was in the hospital three or four times. Now I didn’t go out and seek these here incidents. It just seemed that everything was happening, get in front of something and get hit. Get blood poisoning, get burnt, get. You name it Bob could get into it.
I’m gonna tell you about this is a little kid, you know. He would pour hot water off on himself. Step in front of somebody swinging sticks with nails in it. Bob had to go the hospital. So I know by getting hurt or getting attention. Get hurt, need attention or you get bandaged up. That was a method of getting attention. It’s not that I understood that. I seemed to me kind of getting some idea as to what is suppose to be going on, what’s suppose to be happening, how you’re suppose to feel. I ‘m getting a lot of mixed messages.
Mom had to work because that is what was going on. So I had a lot of babysitters. My bother and I we was babysat by high school girls and people in our neighborhood. But I wasn’t learning a whole lot. I seemed to, somewhat I would say, life of a kid, but not no feelings. There was no talking about what you feel. What do you talk about, about by what you feel? Mom didn’t want to hear what I felt. You know I’d go back and talk about feel this or I don’t feel that. She’d tell, ”You’re not suppose to feel that or this is what you’re suppose to feel.” She always told me what I was supposed to feel.
So I grew up around Cleveland. I done the regular things most kids do get into. And as I say, I just seem to get, always getting’ a patch puttin’ on something. Or some salve here or a patch on here, a wrap there. A burn taken care of and get on outta here.
But I didn’t have no great difficulty about getting along with the kids in the neighborhood when I was at that stuff. Mom wasn’t home often, so I kind of adjusted to what ever was goin’ on. And I don’t know why I’m on this here track here, you know. Cleveland was just growing up in a rough place. It was during rough times along with it.
So to kinda give you kinda fix, somebody talk about getting’ older, I was born before the depression. If that will give you an age fix for those that know when that was.
That was a long time ago. (Bob laughs) During prohibition, know when that was? Okay.
I did a lot of that too. Not that a kid growing up know would anything be 4 or 5 years old would know anything about depression and prohibition and that type of thing. You see the activities that goes with it. The reason I bring that up is there was a lot of activity, negative activity that goes with these incidents. But it doesn’t bother me. I gets some beans and some tortilla or loaf of bread. I’m gonna go. So I didn’t have problem in that area, because I didn’t know what was going on. I wasn’t getting the attention I wanted. I know that.
I know that now, I didn’t know it whenever it was happening. It’s kinda looking back to see what happen. And I got stumped trying to figure out why something happen. I just acted out as I thought I was supposed to act out as a kid growing up.
Went to school, didn’t have great problems at school in particular. Fact is was a pretty good student up to a point. I learned how to play the little games. I learned how to lie early, because I had some good teachers.
Mom was a good teacher tellin’ about lyin’. Tell ‘em moms not home; tell ‘em you don’t know where mom is. What ever the case may be. She started out early by the lies to tell. So, you know, so you put them away as to reason why you are supposed to lie. That was one of the things. Then you learn how to manipulate. How to play little games. I don’t know where kids learn to play them little games they play. And when they’re 3 or 4 years old they’re already into the games and stuff…hum.
And I still haven’t figured that one out. The psychiatrics are still working on it, you know, as to why kids 3 and 4 years old learn to manipulate things. Learn how to play games. I learned how to play games early and I just love played to play games.
So this is part of that growing up process, this growing up who is going to develop to become an addict at some point and not knowing anything about what addiction is all about. And not a clue and no reference to go by.
I just know that Bob wasn’t getting what he thought he was suppose to have and it was just kind of a miserable existence. He didn’t like that kind of existence, in which he had to live in. So growing up in Cleveland was not a great joy in my life. It was kind of like being deprived of wanting things and getting things. The mike just went out. (Laughter) But hey that is how some things work. You want to know, am I the one that made this thing go off? It is possible. I don’t know. I’m not going to argue with the point. I know I haven’t done anything. I don’t think! But I’d like to think I have the power of. This is a power mike. You see we got all these experts in here.
Well usually I can talk loud enough. (Laughter and applause) You see, I spent a lot of time in the military and I use to yell at a whole bunch of mother’s with no mike. I haven’t had to do that in a long time. But it’s kind of like when you’re growing up. All of the sudden, you see, it is kind of like growing up. All the things you were use to get taken away from you.
And I was always looking for mom to come and rescue me or come and put a bandage on or to address whatever my difficulties were going on. And usually to no avail, because mom seems to have no answers she could use and a long with it she had no answers I could use.
The microphone comes back on. Bob says, “Hey.” (Bob and audience laugh) Bob says, “See how that works?” Sometimes life is like that. If you’re going along just smoothly and then you get a flat tire. And we’re pissed off because we don’t want no flat tire. Know what I mean?
I understand that. You see most of the things we come to understand today is not the things we grew up understanding. We couldn’t understand for a lot of years. Until we got to Narcotics Anonymous and they explain to you life happens and you are not in control. You don’t control sh--. What a disappointment! Because I thought I controlled something for a lot of years.
I learned how to manipulate in school. I played the teacher. I played this. I played that. I played all kinds of little games. I called it polishing, the apples, and a period going through school. You go down there be nice to the teacher. Yes ma’am. No ma’am. What can I do ma’am? All that good stuff so you could get a little merit when you get your grades. It works. I did the same thing when I left school. Any situation I got in, I seen if I could butter it up a little bit or make it look good. I would butter it up and make it look good. I learned how to dress up stuff. My penmanship got good. I use to write and it looked good. To make some points. Point maker. Bob was a point maker. Bob would accelerate beyond his capabilities. I don’t know if any of you understand and they pull it off for long, until they reach that level, where they know they should be asking questions. And then try to fake it. Bob done it for a long time. You can say my growing up stage, was accelerating beyond my potential. Get all the necessary ingredients together in order to get to a certain place, but you didn’t know what the acceleration is. And you get to that place where you are dumb founded about what is going on around you. Because you have not prepared for it. Somebody ask you a question how you doing? What to do? You don’t know. You take long enough to get up to a certain place where you kind of feel good about yourself in the terms of your accomplishments.
I done it as a boy scout. I was probably one of the youngest assistant scoutmasters in Cleveland for a long time. I was one of these 15 - 16 year old whiz, up to a point. I didn’t know anything. I knew some of the things necessary to kind of like make it. I could fake it well. Sometimes I could follow by the example seeing others fake it and fake it they did. And to what they did. We were faking it. But it always kind of felt like measuring up to place as far as I can go. I have nothing else not to prepare do anything about it.
Went in the military the same way. I volunteered to go into the military. The only reason I volunteered is it was a way to away from home. And there seem to be things that were happening over there, that wasn’t happening over here. And I liked the idea of being a man.
I arrived at certain places thinking I know what a man is supposed to be like. I had no examples, I don’t know about you. In my neighborhood there was one or none. And I don’t know what your neighborhood looked like. My neighborhood didn’t have a whole lot of role models.
Street hustlers off the corner. Look good; stand out underneath that bright light, with the light flashing on and off. A couple of girls at the curb. A car sitting over on the curb looking good polished up real sharp.
My uniform of the day was Stacey Adams and an Adams hat on, cock it to the side and stand out on the corner with ‘em. And talk about success. (Laughter) And how sharp we were. There seem to be a different attitude about what you made. There was jokes and laughing loud and talking long dukie. Seem to be the one to follow. He seemed to be the one who had this. I found out he was faking. You know? The Cadillac sitting at the curb didn’t even run. (Laughter) And the joker standing beside it, slept in it at night. See I didn’t stand out there checking what his script for the day was. This was a constant. You look for that Cadillac sitting on the corner. Him standing out there laughing loud and talking long sh--. He seemed to be happy. That is all I wanted to be, was happy. You know?
So far my military thing was where you go join the military where you become a man. Or be like the role model that I knew on the corner. He seemed like one of them fellas seemed to be having a good time. That I could relate too, in terms of what, that’s I wanted to be like. We had a fellow on our corner that said we would all work together.
One of was named Nate. He had a whole bunch of brothers and things. Families were large then. I don’t know why. The families had 8, 9 10 kids in the family. You know. We had big families. Nate was on of them fellas that seemed to be cool, would disappear for 6 to 7 months at a time. I didn’t know where he went. But he would come back and tell long stories and talk long sh--. You know. He’d be smoking some of that good weed and tellin’ them long stories and telling you about the ways of life. It looked good to me. All about wantin’ to be a man.
I wasn’t satisfied where I was and I couldn’t impress nobody in my household. (Laughter) So, I had to go out on the street to see if I can impress somebody. Get me some role models or what I thought were role models. They seem to be the ones with a smile on their face and seem to be enjoying life. Not that there was anything happening, but they seem to be enjoying life.
So I went off to the military to become a man or to be a man or represent man. I hadn’t started using yet, I am just building charter to become. I don’t know if you know about that. Building character to become something that I was not.
So with the case of wanting to be like or looking over there and saying, “that is what I want to be like.” And let me follow his lead or follow him to see how he does that. One of the ways you do that was, at the end of the day you go get yourself this little jug and get you a little taste and talk about the fun we are going to have. It was always prefaced by, “Let’s go have some fun.” And having fun was constituted to getting something to have fun with. We always started out having fun and usually end up having problems with the fun. (Laughter) But it always started out with having fun. And each substance I started off with to have fun in the beginning, usually turned on me somewhere in the fun pages. It was coming to, waking up or recognizing the fun was over. And what mess have I got me in now, because usually there was some mess it got me in.
But it use to fix me and that was part of the key. It was the substance you put inside of ya and saying, “Something magical would happen, it made whatever life had been throwing at me, I could take. It was okay.”
My problem or dilemma was very often the coming to or waking up and finding out the fun we started out to have didn’t end up that way. So I got into trouble on a number of occasions by having fun. And this was to go on for a long time, because nobody talked about addiction for one thing. There was not a language in school that we could talk about addiction. It was as if there was no problem with drugs or with the drug use. Because it was not the item of the day was not about, the headline of was not the headline of the day about addiction or drug addicts. Not that they didn’t have a problem with drug addiction and drug addicts. It was called, “We’ll not talking about that.” And I found there was a whole lot of stuff they didn’t talk about. One of the things they couldn’t talk about it is because they didn’t know anything about it. Hey if you drink too much you get drunk. You use too much weed you can go out and eat up loaf of bread or something. (Laughter) If you was high on morphine, you’re gonna nod. Those are just actions that go along with your reactions.
I spent a lot of time in the military, running around the world using drugs wherever I went. Using what ever was available because I would want to have some fun. It always started out I was gonna have some fun. Each time you would think I would of learned my lesson of don’t mess with that, because the fun was short lived. We don’t learn lesson very well, addicts forget very quickly.
It gets to what happen along the way, the journey. The problems that I created, that I wanted to blame you for. I was always blaming people for my dilemma. I got thrown out of the military because of my drug use. It was kind of one of these things I thought I didn’t have a problem, but they did. (Laughter) They took actions and my action was all I had to take the consequences of my actions. They didn’t tell me you might have to start doing time. If you use drugs long enough you will have to start doing time. They didn’t tell me that. They didn’t run that by me. (Laughter) They didn’t know, as I said you didn’t talk about addiction. So I had to start learning how to do time, cause I was played cops and robbers. I was takin’ your sh--. (Laughter)
I was addicted to stealing long before I was addicted to drugs. I use to love to steal, use to love to steal. You had something I wanted some of yours. Not work for it, but I needed some of yours. Let me get some of yours. The best way know to get something of yours is to steal it. So I had a habit of stealing long before I had a habit of using. I was hooked on stealing long before that. I was hooked on a lot of things. I took a lot of things that had no relationship as to the drug I was using.
You really don’t come to that recognition of things that happen along the way until much later when we come to places like Narcotics Anonymous. Where things have been covered up for so long, sick and so diverted in terms of where it came and when it happened or how it happen or why it happened or what happened. It takes a long time to sort that out. It takes time to sort that out.
As I said this is kind of a difficult place because very often the biggest thing that I have to offer is the journey that we took in terms of where we are today. And how I got to Narcotics Anonymous was because I went to enough places and told enough lies and got enough people to listen to my dilemma that were going to help me.
And that is how I got to Narcotics Anonymous, was by a great lie is what it amounted to. Cause the lady came up the county jail and she pleaded to me. She made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. And most of us in this room here had offers that you couldn’t refuse and you had to check it out. “Let me help you.” And of course if you are like me you say, “I don’t need no help. Just leave me alone I’ll be ok” And you steal them blind and you disappoint them. And you go out and try to die on them and all this other good stuff that we do
And she plead to me about relationships, which we seem to get by some magic, we get into relationships. What we are looking for is somebody to take care of us. That’s one thing. If you’re a good dope fiend you need to have a good racehorse. (Laughter and clapping) Gotta have a runner. Gotta have a stable to go to when you get out. (Laughter)
We start thing we got the game down so good, that says we have no problems with that. Cause time and time again we get out of one of these places, first thing we want to do is go get a little taste for old times sake. Just one little taste. And never set out at any given time said, “I’m going out to get hooked anything.” Every time I used something I was hooked on it. I was off and running and I was headed back to jail.
Along the way we get into many peoples lives. Mother, sweethearts, wives, husbands, children. Not only do we take them hostage, we put great demands upon them. You must do this or you must do that. And the promise she made me was, I’m gonna stay here and I’m helping you. What ya gotta do is you gotta get some help. No problem WHERE!
During the ‘50’s there was no place to go folks. Help was very distant. Even the ones who wanted help you couldn’t help them. Because it was against the law to help an addict. “AGAINST THE LAW!!!!” We could not even congregate with one another you know. We would meet each other going down the street we have to stay the distance. “Hey Baby.” We had to fake it all and keep walking, until you get to an alley, where you could take care of business.
So what happens is we burn a lot of people in the process. We burn a lot of our bridges as we go by. Maybe with the good intensions of want to do the right thing. By the time I stick that spike off in my arm or light one of those things or what ever. Everything changes. Good intensions don’t mean sh--. And very often I think I had the good intensions about doing the right thing for the right reasons. But very often didn’t have any help as to where and how to get some help. How to ask for help even. But what happen was this lady came up there and we have a very loose relationship.
I had moved into her house, because I needed a place to hide out. A place to live and I needed place for somebody to run for me. To write me them letters that make them great promises that we write when we go to jail. When we go to one of them places, we write some mean sh--. (Laughter) We good. I wish you all could put all that literature and stuff on paper. We put it all on paper when we’re beggin’ back in one of these places. “Mamma, I’m gonna get my stuff together. Get me a good job. I’m gonna get me the kids a yellin’. I’m gonna dress ‘em up and dress ‘em down. And I’m gonna be the best whatever, whatever, whatever.” (Laughter) That’s right. Yea that’s right. (Laughter) About the third or forth time that’s when we say that to ‘em. Yea, right! But let me see you do it and don’t tell me about you gonna do it.
But you know I had all good intensions. It wasn’t the case I didn’t have a trade I could go to. I just could go to the job, because I couldn’t hold a job. Because once I started using the job was shot. Once I have done stole the half the jobs materials and things, like (laughter) there isn’t no need in going back there.
And I think about in those terms and you know I could go out and get a job and I could plead it into my abilities and all this type of stuff. And work just longs enough to ruin it. Because that is usually what happened I would ruin it.
So what happen is she took up my little promise of I’m gonna do it right, I’m gonna do it good. Please, please, please. And part of the process what that the promise was in order for me to do this thing, we had to get married. I don’t know where that came from (Laughter) Married to what? (Laughter)
I didn’t have a job. Didn’t have no place to stay. Had no bank account. And I’m looking forward to having a place to go. It’s I’m just trying to make this here pact, that we’re going to do this here thing together. I do. (Laughter) I do. Go pay the bail, go get the lawyer, or what ever you have to do. (Laughter)
The problem was I didn’t have no help. The problem was I like to run the lady crazy. She was about to go insane. She had never seen this thing called drug addiction in its full bloom. Wake up 3 or 4 o’clock in the morning taking about, “I’m sick.” You know I go out get a loaf of bread and be gone for six months. (Laughter) Call from distant places with sad tales of woe. (Laughter)
“There’re messin’ with me again.” During the ‘50’s as I said, there was no place to go. They had a couple of places to go. They had Lexington, Fort Worth, but you had to petition to go there. They gave you no help going to jail. The way they get you withdrawn during those days was some aspirin and Pepto-Bismol. That was it. And do it the best way you can.
And always the case of you leaving them places. Tellin’ all the fellas, “This is it baby. I’m finished with this one.” The only problem is between your destination and where you are leaving from you had to have a taste for old times sake. And you always ended up back in the same place. Talkin’ about I don’t what happen. I just had a little taste. There was no place to go.
And to show you how long this has been talking about since Narcotics Anonymous. 1953 in the inception of the first Narcotics Anonymous meetings on the west coast, they had little fragments of places where they tried to start Narcotics Anonymous in other places. It was a copy of the other program. We call it now today the other program. (Laughter) See they didn’t like us up there, gracing their little meeting places with our tales of woe of being a dope fiend.
We were the scourges of the earth. We had no redeeming value. We were a dope fiend. Addicts were recognized as a disease, aliment, sickness or illness or anything. You just a dog. And they use to treat you as such. Even in jail they treated you bad. You say you go to jail for a crime because you have some time to do. Then treat you bad after you get there.
So, there was not much respect in terms of your illness. Do the best you can. I use to carry a petition to go to Lexington in my back pocket. So when I went to jail I could tell the judge I am trying to get some help. Just as soon as I get this petition back to the court, they’re going to let me go to Lexington and get my stuff together. Only to come to find out Lexington was in a dilemma too. They had been studying dope fiends for 20 years. The only conclusion they came to was, “Dope fiends lie and they like candy bars.” (Laughter) Great conclusion.
They learned more from monkeys, than they did from dope fiends. Very strange. They had a laboratory setting that they were studying reactions of different type animals to stimulants, heroin and morphine. And they had not learned much about the human and their reaction to kicking the habit, long-term drug use. The monkeys were having better response from them than were humans.
But they did have happen in there, this fella called Houston out of Texas, came through and he thought here idea that the 12-Step Of Recovery might work for addicts. They had tried that one, but they tired it with alcoholics. And they had studied what addiction was about to some degree, but they had very little proof as by their own devices could they carry it out. Addicts got short memory. An addict has short memory. You could forget they was out there dying and all of the sudden the reason why you was dying is because you were doing certain things. You can forget all about that.
How can one bit of anything cause you to have so much chaos in your life? They know nothing about progression of this disease; know nothing about where the destination of this disease and the killer that it is.
So in the process here they are tying to study what the disease of addiction is about. And the few people that left Lexington, went out on the street and they had this great enthusiasm that they could do this thing. They went to different places and started what they thought were meetings. And in the process of starting meetings or think they thought were meeting, they would have a marginal success, but they had short memories.
They had short memory that the substance they were using and the behavior that went with it is what was killing them. But they took it on the road anyhow. And when people ended out in California and they wanted to start these meetings, they wanted to call it something else. Addicts Anonymous, this kind of anonymous, and that kind of anonymous. And we’re going to do it our way.
For a lot of years they no such thing as traditions. Traditions didn’t come until much later. They had to find continuity and ties that works for us. So some of the people did ask the Service Office in New York, could they use the steps and traditions in order to start something called Narcotics Anonymous?
So starting this journey of, I think it was thirteen or fourteen people getting together saying we can do this thing. Let’s start this thing called Narcotics Anonymous and see where it goes. We got a problem with language. Knowing they have a problem with language, the other part of the equation is everybody wants to change something. We don’t like the steps as they’re written. We want to change them. (Laughter)
Our first attempt at changing something, we did. Out of permission we wanted to change the first word in each one of the steps that says “we”. Didn’t understand why it was so essential that we became a “we” program rather than an “I or me” program. One of our big savers is “we can’t, we can’t. Maybe together we can.” You as individuals are not a “we”; I can’t not do it by myself. We have to do a unifying sort of thing.
But addicts don’t like the way things work, they want to change sh--. That was the first thing they changed was the “we”. They didn’t know how essential that was. But part of the struggle was the opposition of society not wanting addicts congregate or to be together with one another. We had great problems about trying to have meeting or coming together as a group, because most of us were antisocial. We was “X” something. (Laughter) And the police didn’t believe sh—we said anyhow. (Laughter) And they voiced it all the time. “I don’t believe you mothers.” Even in jail we even had great disrespect for everybody. So how can you figure they are going to have respect for us?
So we did cause them problems, we cooked up something to give them some problems. And just because we were on the street didn’t mean we became respectable. We wanted to continue our behavior and still want someone to respect our actions. It didn’t work quite that way.
So we had great difficulty from 1953 to 1959 trying to formulate this thing called Narcotics Anonymous. To put it together, get it to work and have a meeting place. You go into a place, attempting to find a meeting place and they say, “You’re from where?”
“We’re Narcotics Anonymous, like that other program. We need to try to find a meeting place, that we can come together and try to recover.” “WE WILL CALL YOU, DON’T CALL US.”
Once again you say “narcotics” and the first thing they want to think of is jail. Police. There was no respectability that went along with it. “Did you know grandma has a problem with narcotics? She’s an addict too. No, the doctor prescribed this, so it is ok.” It was killing them too then. They got more and more stuff they are putting on the market to kill you.
So what occurred here was, Jimmy and a few others tried to keep the meeting open where they could find a space or place to have a meeting. An old coffee pot and tin coffee cups type of existence. Lasted up to a point, but it was only usually 2 or 3 people that showed up at a meeting. The ones trying to stay clean, tying to do this thing by some kind of magic.
We were more into with Tradition then we were the Steps. Because Traditions were the most important thing in our recovery. We will get to the Steps when we can get to the Steps. We didn’t know it worked in kind of reverse of that. The Steps should of come first. Get your game together and then we will worry about the game of getting everybody else together.
We had a lot of learning process’ that went along the way. We had a lot of trail and error. A lot of attempts of doing something we knew nothing about. We had no real guidance.
Jimmy tried the best he could. He didn’t speak the language of the street addict so to speak. He was a very wise person. He had know how and how to do things, but can you image him trying to get 20 to 30 addicts together and trying them to agree on anything. (Laughter) And then his health got bad, and in the process of his health getting bad, he had to leave the business of Narcotics Anonymous to those who have no information on how to do anything.
You would talk about follow the steps, follow the Traditions. We would read the steps or traditions. We had no literature other than this little white book, it wasn’t white it was buff colored and it had 20 pages in it with 20 questions and answers, the tradition, Just For Today and what Narcotics Anonymous was about. And that was it. That was Narcotics Anonymous in a nut shell.
And there were people trying to get something together or hold something together going to be long living. We had no idea. We had no leadership for a lot of years. And those that were willing to do something just seemed to not have enough time to really dedicate themselves to this thing called recovery.
I don’t care if it was called your recovery or my recovery. Recovery was just a word. We didn’t know the work that was involved or needed to be done in order to recover. The thing and the work needed to be done. There was great work that was to be done. Togetherness had to be created. We had to have oneness of purpose, of wanting to recover from this thing called addiction.
It was the case of just wanting to get clean, it was a case of how do you change your whole life? Something you have been doing all your life and all of the sudden you are going to stop doing one thing and go the opposite direction. It was very difficult. And those that were around didn’t understand what we were doing most of the time.
That woman who encouraged me or insisted I go to that Narcotics Anonymous meeting that I sent her off to check it out. She became a proponent of finding a place that she could go. She started a thing called Nar-Anon. That was pretty slick, she had to do a lot of roadwork. I gave her some tasks to do. (Laughter) You gotta understand what an addict is about. And she went out and found some other sisters that was having the same problem she was having. “What do you do when they off after six months and get a little red and don’t come back for six months?” (Laughter) Or some of them long tales you have to listen when you come home. Two of three days gone or two or three days of trying to save somebody. (Laughter)
What do you when you have bills that need to be paid? The light bill has to be paid. The gas bill has got to be paid. Or the telephone bill has to be paid. If you are like me you paid none of those. (Laughter) I had the money.
I had money often given to me to go to the grocery store. It just usually didn’t get there. I had more important things to do. I had great stories to tell about the fight that I had. I got stuck up at the corner or something. You know. Well this little b----- on the corner and took the money. (Laughter) No it didn’t do that. That’s not what happened. I sent him off for a package and he didn’t get back, that’s what happened. You stand there at the laundromat a day and half waiting for him to come back. (Laughter) Your tales just didn’t measure up, it didn’t hold water. It was seen right through. Once that got to understand what an addict was about there was a whole lot of changes that took place.
There was a trust that had to be developed. There had to be behavior modification as to what you had to do. There was such a thing as getting a job and going to work. Bringing the paycheck home. There was a lot of things we hadn’t done for a lot of years or maybe have never done and found out we have to do. We find out we are not a slick as we thought we were. That is the process the thing called the process of recovery.
It is a very slow process. We have to start remembering what is going on, how it is going on, what’s going on and sharing that view with another human being. We have to stop lying and crying and start growing up.
One of our biggest obstacles is communication. We have to learn to start trusting. We have to learn how to do a lot of things we never done before. If we did, it is so far in the past that we forgot how to do them. This is a growing up process. Just because your grown doesn’t mean you are grown up. It is a process all long. And so we started growing by little bits and pieces.
We become more trusting, we are starting to be trusted to some degree. There is a period of cautionary there, sometimes we have to watch you to see if you are really doing it or are you still lying. Cause we didn’t get well just because we got clean. It takes long time to do this thing of getting better in our handling, growing up and maturing. Maturity is one of the things we have to learn it is not something we know.
We have role models in this room. In this room we have a lot of information, we got a lot of answers in this room. We must learn how to share this information with each other. The thing that we learn here, we have to pass it on to those who are coming along. The last person in that door, my be the person that brings the message I need today. There is certain amount of trust we learn about.
We learn something about this power called Higher Power. Learn that you are not it. (Laughter) We have to be very adamant about that. You are not it. As much as we would like to thing we got our game together and we know what is going on, remember you are not it.
That don’t mean you stop trying to do the things that necessary to find out what the results are going to be. The proof is in the doing. The proof is in the happing or seeing what is happening. This event here today is an event that is happening. You stay around here and you start living this thing called a new way of life.
As you can imagine that one meeting in 1959, I didn’t stay clean, I was out to run this woman crazy. I had to go out there and get kicked the head some more. I had to play cops and robbers for a couple of more years.
But one of the things that did happen is, it gave the tools for recovery, in that little book. The 12 and 12 things to do and it said, “WE”. It got on the “WE”. Get on the “WE” wagon baby. Give up your power wagon or the power position, which you think that you got; only to find out you ani’t got no power.
But the power does exist that is necessary for you to recover. And learn how to enjoy your living. I thought I was having fun for a lot of years. I thought I was having fun and I was the destroyer of many things in the process. I destroyed a family. I had destroyed relationships. I destroyed I destroyed. I destroyed.
And I stayed around long enough to learn how to enjoy my living. I have great respect for living today. If you look around you, you say we diminish at a fast rate because we have to learn to take care of ourselves. You must learn how to care of physical problems that we have, that we didn’t take care of when we were out there using.
But you get the chance to enjoy some living. Some daily living by the practice of doing the things that you perhaps you think won’t work or haven’t worked or uses the case of you haven’t done anything. That is what my revelation has been because I have become willing to do the things necessary.
I’m still in the process of growing up folks. I know I am getting a little old for that. But as long as I stay on the road of recovery by the process of doing the things that are necessary for me to stay here. We have reached that place where life is going to show up. And we have to face life on lives terms. But we don’t have to do it alone, we don’t have to do it alone.
I have become reliant on that power that I had no voice, no recognition of. There is something that is power greater than I. I had to come to grips with that if I wanted some help I had to rely on this here power.
We are gathered here, in order to try to get some information in terms of how do we live a better life. How can we get more comfort in our lives? We have to do some sharing, we must do some caring, we must come in touch with this power in some recognition there is some power that runs it all and you are not it. So if you’re not it, you better reach up and get you a hand full of it baby and get a hand full of it. Cause sometime we are going to need it. Sometime we are going to need it.
So my day usually starts with help, prayer very short. Not the prayers I use have. Yesterday’s prayers I to beg for sh—you know? I was digging in my own sh--. I found out prayer works. I get carried away, but I found out what I prayed for I usually got. Isn’t that amazing? Many of us are going to try it tonight. Pray works, go pray upon something. You will find out if you are suppose to have it or not. (Laughter)
We know what you’re going to do. Being the addicts, we know what each other is going to do.Cause we have done it over and over again. Just as proof as to, “I don’t believe that.” Try it out. Just don’t use in the mean time. Cause once you use, you are going to block out the lesson you need to learn. See I tried all the little tricks, I’ve tried all the little shot cuts. I one of these here that thought out and see what the he—they got in here.
It’s been a long time and I still want to try out something on my own. Huh? Sometime you are supposed to try out on your own, but I have to find out the things are. And sometimes I have to find somebody in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous and ask them, “What was your experience? What was your experience? Will you share with me if you go down that road or not go down that road.” Cause you see Bob still wants to go down on of those roads. Not to use.
Cause using is not part of it. Cause I know it counts the awful experience of what is about to happen. Sometime I have to have the experience cause that is the way I am. It becomes on of these here incidents that says, “Let me check this one out. I just want to experiment. I just want to see if my Higher Power wants me to go this way. To do this thing or carry out this deed.” Sometimes it is yes and sometimes it is no. And sometimes no is just to show you not suppose to have it. That’s not for you baby. You’re not prepared for that. Not getting to far ahead of me.
Bob still gets ahead of me. You see I am still an addict in recovery in the process of happening of this thing called recovery. It is quite essential that you must experience it happening for you. How can you tell me about a cake you have never baked? Until you have baked on and then you can tell me what success you have had.
This works the same way. The formula, they give you the formula. Apply the formula and see what results you get. If you like the results, use the formula again. You will find out it very consistent. The formula has been tried over and over again by many people in this room.
Maybe not everyone, cause some days I don’t want to try the formula. Bob wants to be in charge. I don’t know why? I don’t have nothing to offer to be in charge. Sh—(Laughter) I’d rather give it to you and let you be in charge. But sometimes I must do the work. And that is what I have got to find out. Am I willing to do the work that goes with it?
So stay around until you learn to enjoy the things that you are given so freely. The formula is the 12-Steps. The power that helps you along the way you must get in touch with because it becomes very personalized on how it works for you.
It is a very taxing program that works well and most people try to carry it out to the best of their ability. There are some of us having difficulties, because we have brain damage. (Laughter) You might laugh but it is the truth. They got some people out there on some sick sh--. There is some sick sh--, they try to make it ok. You can walk around mummified and you don’t have to be responsible. What do they do now? Go get some help. Go get some help.
I want to thank the committee for asking me to share. If I seem a little sideways in the process, I know I have some brains. I also have some feeling things happening. Not only the thing about getting old and saying I can’t remember anything. You might be surprised. We all have to get to that place perhaps some day. I have found out that goes along with aging. That goes along with aging sh--. Doesn’t mean you are go crazy. That just means you are not as sharp as you use to be. (Laughter) I am disappointed with me. I use to be pretty sharp. I use to remember things in a minute and now it takes me a little while now to put it together now. It is the same thing about getting from here to there, I move a lot slower. Fact is I am moving too slow, but I have some physical problems that manifest themselves, that shows up. It is like the last ten years every time I go to the doctor, he says I got another thing. “Well you got another thing here. Just take a pill.” (Laughter) “Come back and see me next week.” I’m getting tired of going and seeing the doctor, but I can’t stop going.
I am enjoying life today, to the best of my ability. I still have expectations as to what life has to offer. I am trying to live it the best I can. Doing the best I can. I will still try and continue to carry the message of Narcotics Anonymous where ever I go. I am going to try to be an example that this here program Narcotics Anonymous works. It will work a long time as well as it does short time.
I have been clean over 45 years. (Loud yelling and clapping) But that means I am getting 45 years older too. (Laughter) I am moving a lot slower, I don’t think as fast. I have to compensate for a lot of things. I can’t run as fast as I use to. I was fast. (Bob chuckles) I move slow now. So have patience with me. You see me needing help along the way, give me a hand.
Let’s do this thing together. If I have anything that you can use I will gladly share it with you. I’ll share with you what I have and we will enjoy life together.
Thank you. (Loud clapping)
Speaker Bob B. - Celebration Of Unity 25
Orlando, FL - May 25, 2007
Los Angeles, California – 45 years
My name is Bob and I’m an addict.
Hey Bob. (Audience)
(Bob sighs.)
Best I can say right now.
I want to thank Cathy for introducing me in such a magnificent manner. She didn’t pick over what she had learned from me from the years of saying, “I don’t know what year it was!” I have a problem with memory now. (Laughter) You talk about getting old and having the grace to get old, is another thing it seems we have to over come in a since of speaking. Hope we get some living in the process of being here. Because we have come a long way from where we started, so to speak.
I have the privilege probably to been involved in most of the things have happened in Narcotics Anonymous, almost since the inception of Narcotics Anonymous. Fortune in many ways; because for a few years there was nothing happening other than that one meeting my wife found and told me I’ve gotta go. (Laughter) Of course as sharp as I was, I sent her to the meeting. (Laughter) She didn’t have a problem. I was her problem, and I remained that for a lot of years too.
But as a blessing in disguise of our journey. Our begins and what happens in between. Once we actually do take time to look at what our lives have become. From where we came from and to where we are today, is a far piece.
And sometimes we gotta do our own inventory as to where we came from. I hope that you have had enough of what you had in your practice of a thing called addiction as we know, talking about active addiction, the addict is not going to disappear from you.
We gotta a problem with language in the beginning. We still have a problem with a language. Sometimes we don’t like being noted as addicts, we want to be something else. I don’t know what. What ever you want to be, you can be that too.
Don’t lose the sight of where you have to come from in the terms of this disease called addiction. We have to review from where came on many occasions to get some perspective of as the journey we are on. It is a worthwhile journey. Let me put it that way. Sometimes we don’t know when we walk in the doors of Narcotics Anonymous as to where we came from, where we’re going and what’s happening in between. We very often we have to do a survey in terms of our own progress, as to where we came from and we’ve come a far piece.
I guess I have to kind of identify in some way because, as they say I don’t look like the addict that came in the doors of Narcotics Anonymous; and I don’ t look like the addict that was out there on the street. So very often times we are misjudged; and in some crowds, as to say; “You don’t look like no addict. I don’t know what you look like, but I mean you don’t look like an addict.” But they haven’t been on my journey, like I have not been on your journey. And sometimes I see you come through the doors and I say, “You’re either too young, you’re to this, you’re to that and I just don’t know what you’re doing here, you know.” Cause you know, this is no place for a self-respecting individual to be hanging out at. But if you look at your track record, you’re probably is in the right place.
I told you that I got to Narcotics Anonymous by the insistence of others. Not because I got tired initially. Before I started practicing what Narcotics Anonymous is, I had to get to that place of desperation. As to what do I need this for? Or maybe I do need some help! Or things were getting so chaotic, that I better get some help before I die! You know, because we get here sometimes in death throws, and sometimes that is not a wake up call even there. Many of us have faced death straight in the face and said, “ Give me some more of that death killing whatever.”
I was born in Cleveland, Ohio. Which might be a mark against me, because it is the brunt of many expressions of jokes and so forth. That sewer on the lake you know. During the time I came up there was a lot things that said in some sense, “Just glad to be alive.” I grew up in the wrong time, in the wrong place, with the wrong parents, with all the wrong conditions going on. I’ve researched that very thoroughly, you know. I refuse to be what they wanted me to be. It is my objections to everything that seem to be around me that got me in so much trouble. Cause I was one of these here, that always asked questions. “Why? Why? Why? Why?”
I got a million a—whippin’s because of what I ask. Why? So I stopped asking why. I just went and done what I thought I was suppose to do and how I was suppose to do it; and took whatever consequences were. I didn’t grow up in a family where there were addicts. Fact is I didn’t know addiction was what it was about. Nobody talked about it. Drug addiction was not talked about, not in my household. I had no drug addicts I knew of in my household.
I had a lot of I’ll say “bad feelings”; because I developed these feelings, but I had no place to express how I felt. In my family we didn’t talk about feelings. Someone was talking about love, last night I think it was. One of the speakers was talking about love not being spoken. Love not spoken in my house. I can’t remember my mother telling me that she loved me all the time that I was in her house growing up. That’s a hell of a thing to put upon a child, that she don’t love me. She didn’t tell me she did love me because she done all the necessary things I think that mothers’ try to do. She tries to feed ‘em, clothe ‘em, house ‘em; you know. And give ‘em a good a—whippin’ when they needed it.
I seemed to needed it every day. That was means of getting attention. So I’d call, “Mom I’m over here” If that didn’t do, I would break something, throw something, get burnt, run out in front of a car; and get bandaged up, taped up, washed up and that was means of showing that she cared.
And I been thinking there was a program that was on last night talking about getting hit in the head. I got hit in the head all the time. It seemed if my head was always in the wrong place at the wrong time. A stick, a bottle, a bar or whatever the case may be. And now all I think of, maybe that was dependent on why I turned out the way I did. I had to try to find reasons for my dilemma where I came from.
It was five of us. All of us didn’t have the same father. Back then there was no father at all in the house. So I didn’t have that to contend with. Anybody that Mom had, I didn’t like him anyhow. He was taking up my space. Cause I was lookin’ for Mom. “Mom, I’m over here.”
She was unable to or unwilling to talk about feelings, talk about where she came from. And I didn’t know her pains, because I’m so involved in my own that I did not conceivably think about nobody else’s pain, but my own.
I use to get hurt a lot. When I was talk about getting hit in the head a lot. Before I was five-years-old, I was in the hospital three or four times. Now I didn’t go out and seek these here incidents. It just seemed that everything was happening, get in front of something and get hit. Get blood poisoning, get burnt, get. You name it Bob could get into it.
I’m gonna tell you about this is a little kid, you know. He would pour hot water off on himself. Step in front of somebody swinging sticks with nails in it. Bob had to go the hospital. So I know by getting hurt or getting attention. Get hurt, need attention or you get bandaged up. That was a method of getting attention. It’s not that I understood that. I seemed to me kind of getting some idea as to what is suppose to be going on, what’s suppose to be happening, how you’re suppose to feel. I ‘m getting a lot of mixed messages.
Mom had to work because that is what was going on. So I had a lot of babysitters. My bother and I we was babysat by high school girls and people in our neighborhood. But I wasn’t learning a whole lot. I seemed to, somewhat I would say, life of a kid, but not no feelings. There was no talking about what you feel. What do you talk about, about by what you feel? Mom didn’t want to hear what I felt. You know I’d go back and talk about feel this or I don’t feel that. She’d tell, ”You’re not suppose to feel that or this is what you’re suppose to feel.” She always told me what I was supposed to feel.
So I grew up around Cleveland. I done the regular things most kids do get into. And as I say, I just seem to get, always getting’ a patch puttin’ on something. Or some salve here or a patch on here, a wrap there. A burn taken care of and get on outta here.
But I didn’t have no great difficulty about getting along with the kids in the neighborhood when I was at that stuff. Mom wasn’t home often, so I kind of adjusted to what ever was goin’ on. And I don’t know why I’m on this here track here, you know. Cleveland was just growing up in a rough place. It was during rough times along with it.
So to kinda give you kinda fix, somebody talk about getting’ older, I was born before the depression. If that will give you an age fix for those that know when that was.
That was a long time ago. (Bob laughs) During prohibition, know when that was? Okay.
I did a lot of that too. Not that a kid growing up know would anything be 4 or 5 years old would know anything about depression and prohibition and that type of thing. You see the activities that goes with it. The reason I bring that up is there was a lot of activity, negative activity that goes with these incidents. But it doesn’t bother me. I gets some beans and some tortilla or loaf of bread. I’m gonna go. So I didn’t have problem in that area, because I didn’t know what was going on. I wasn’t getting the attention I wanted. I know that.
I know that now, I didn’t know it whenever it was happening. It’s kinda looking back to see what happen. And I got stumped trying to figure out why something happen. I just acted out as I thought I was supposed to act out as a kid growing up.
Went to school, didn’t have great problems at school in particular. Fact is was a pretty good student up to a point. I learned how to play the little games. I learned how to lie early, because I had some good teachers.
Mom was a good teacher tellin’ about lyin’. Tell ‘em moms not home; tell ‘em you don’t know where mom is. What ever the case may be. She started out early by the lies to tell. So, you know, so you put them away as to reason why you are supposed to lie. That was one of the things. Then you learn how to manipulate. How to play little games. I don’t know where kids learn to play them little games they play. And when they’re 3 or 4 years old they’re already into the games and stuff…hum.
And I still haven’t figured that one out. The psychiatrics are still working on it, you know, as to why kids 3 and 4 years old learn to manipulate things. Learn how to play games. I learned how to play games early and I just love played to play games.
So this is part of that growing up process, this growing up who is going to develop to become an addict at some point and not knowing anything about what addiction is all about. And not a clue and no reference to go by.
I just know that Bob wasn’t getting what he thought he was suppose to have and it was just kind of a miserable existence. He didn’t like that kind of existence, in which he had to live in. So growing up in Cleveland was not a great joy in my life. It was kind of like being deprived of wanting things and getting things. The mike just went out. (Laughter) But hey that is how some things work. You want to know, am I the one that made this thing go off? It is possible. I don’t know. I’m not going to argue with the point. I know I haven’t done anything. I don’t think! But I’d like to think I have the power of. This is a power mike. You see we got all these experts in here.
Well usually I can talk loud enough. (Laughter and applause) You see, I spent a lot of time in the military and I use to yell at a whole bunch of mother’s with no mike. I haven’t had to do that in a long time. But it’s kind of like when you’re growing up. All of the sudden, you see, it is kind of like growing up. All the things you were use to get taken away from you.
And I was always looking for mom to come and rescue me or come and put a bandage on or to address whatever my difficulties were going on. And usually to no avail, because mom seems to have no answers she could use and a long with it she had no answers I could use.
The microphone comes back on. Bob says, “Hey.” (Bob and audience laugh) Bob says, “See how that works?” Sometimes life is like that. If you’re going along just smoothly and then you get a flat tire. And we’re pissed off because we don’t want no flat tire. Know what I mean?
I understand that. You see most of the things we come to understand today is not the things we grew up understanding. We couldn’t understand for a lot of years. Until we got to Narcotics Anonymous and they explain to you life happens and you are not in control. You don’t control sh--. What a disappointment! Because I thought I controlled something for a lot of years.
I learned how to manipulate in school. I played the teacher. I played this. I played that. I played all kinds of little games. I called it polishing, the apples, and a period going through school. You go down there be nice to the teacher. Yes ma’am. No ma’am. What can I do ma’am? All that good stuff so you could get a little merit when you get your grades. It works. I did the same thing when I left school. Any situation I got in, I seen if I could butter it up a little bit or make it look good. I would butter it up and make it look good. I learned how to dress up stuff. My penmanship got good. I use to write and it looked good. To make some points. Point maker. Bob was a point maker. Bob would accelerate beyond his capabilities. I don’t know if any of you understand and they pull it off for long, until they reach that level, where they know they should be asking questions. And then try to fake it. Bob done it for a long time. You can say my growing up stage, was accelerating beyond my potential. Get all the necessary ingredients together in order to get to a certain place, but you didn’t know what the acceleration is. And you get to that place where you are dumb founded about what is going on around you. Because you have not prepared for it. Somebody ask you a question how you doing? What to do? You don’t know. You take long enough to get up to a certain place where you kind of feel good about yourself in the terms of your accomplishments.
I done it as a boy scout. I was probably one of the youngest assistant scoutmasters in Cleveland for a long time. I was one of these 15 - 16 year old whiz, up to a point. I didn’t know anything. I knew some of the things necessary to kind of like make it. I could fake it well. Sometimes I could follow by the example seeing others fake it and fake it they did. And to what they did. We were faking it. But it always kind of felt like measuring up to place as far as I can go. I have nothing else not to prepare do anything about it.
Went in the military the same way. I volunteered to go into the military. The only reason I volunteered is it was a way to away from home. And there seem to be things that were happening over there, that wasn’t happening over here. And I liked the idea of being a man.
I arrived at certain places thinking I know what a man is supposed to be like. I had no examples, I don’t know about you. In my neighborhood there was one or none. And I don’t know what your neighborhood looked like. My neighborhood didn’t have a whole lot of role models.
Street hustlers off the corner. Look good; stand out underneath that bright light, with the light flashing on and off. A couple of girls at the curb. A car sitting over on the curb looking good polished up real sharp.
My uniform of the day was Stacey Adams and an Adams hat on, cock it to the side and stand out on the corner with ‘em. And talk about success. (Laughter) And how sharp we were. There seem to be a different attitude about what you made. There was jokes and laughing loud and talking long dukie. Seem to be the one to follow. He seemed to be the one who had this. I found out he was faking. You know? The Cadillac sitting at the curb didn’t even run. (Laughter) And the joker standing beside it, slept in it at night. See I didn’t stand out there checking what his script for the day was. This was a constant. You look for that Cadillac sitting on the corner. Him standing out there laughing loud and talking long sh--. He seemed to be happy. That is all I wanted to be, was happy. You know?
So far my military thing was where you go join the military where you become a man. Or be like the role model that I knew on the corner. He seemed like one of them fellas seemed to be having a good time. That I could relate too, in terms of what, that’s I wanted to be like. We had a fellow on our corner that said we would all work together.
One of was named Nate. He had a whole bunch of brothers and things. Families were large then. I don’t know why. The families had 8, 9 10 kids in the family. You know. We had big families. Nate was on of them fellas that seemed to be cool, would disappear for 6 to 7 months at a time. I didn’t know where he went. But he would come back and tell long stories and talk long sh--. You know. He’d be smoking some of that good weed and tellin’ them long stories and telling you about the ways of life. It looked good to me. All about wantin’ to be a man.
I wasn’t satisfied where I was and I couldn’t impress nobody in my household. (Laughter) So, I had to go out on the street to see if I can impress somebody. Get me some role models or what I thought were role models. They seem to be the ones with a smile on their face and seem to be enjoying life. Not that there was anything happening, but they seem to be enjoying life.
So I went off to the military to become a man or to be a man or represent man. I hadn’t started using yet, I am just building charter to become. I don’t know if you know about that. Building character to become something that I was not.
So with the case of wanting to be like or looking over there and saying, “that is what I want to be like.” And let me follow his lead or follow him to see how he does that. One of the ways you do that was, at the end of the day you go get yourself this little jug and get you a little taste and talk about the fun we are going to have. It was always prefaced by, “Let’s go have some fun.” And having fun was constituted to getting something to have fun with. We always started out having fun and usually end up having problems with the fun. (Laughter) But it always started out with having fun. And each substance I started off with to have fun in the beginning, usually turned on me somewhere in the fun pages. It was coming to, waking up or recognizing the fun was over. And what mess have I got me in now, because usually there was some mess it got me in.
But it use to fix me and that was part of the key. It was the substance you put inside of ya and saying, “Something magical would happen, it made whatever life had been throwing at me, I could take. It was okay.”
My problem or dilemma was very often the coming to or waking up and finding out the fun we started out to have didn’t end up that way. So I got into trouble on a number of occasions by having fun. And this was to go on for a long time, because nobody talked about addiction for one thing. There was not a language in school that we could talk about addiction. It was as if there was no problem with drugs or with the drug use. Because it was not the item of the day was not about, the headline of was not the headline of the day about addiction or drug addicts. Not that they didn’t have a problem with drug addiction and drug addicts. It was called, “We’ll not talking about that.” And I found there was a whole lot of stuff they didn’t talk about. One of the things they couldn’t talk about it is because they didn’t know anything about it. Hey if you drink too much you get drunk. You use too much weed you can go out and eat up loaf of bread or something. (Laughter) If you was high on morphine, you’re gonna nod. Those are just actions that go along with your reactions.
I spent a lot of time in the military, running around the world using drugs wherever I went. Using what ever was available because I would want to have some fun. It always started out I was gonna have some fun. Each time you would think I would of learned my lesson of don’t mess with that, because the fun was short lived. We don’t learn lesson very well, addicts forget very quickly.
It gets to what happen along the way, the journey. The problems that I created, that I wanted to blame you for. I was always blaming people for my dilemma. I got thrown out of the military because of my drug use. It was kind of one of these things I thought I didn’t have a problem, but they did. (Laughter) They took actions and my action was all I had to take the consequences of my actions. They didn’t tell me you might have to start doing time. If you use drugs long enough you will have to start doing time. They didn’t tell me that. They didn’t run that by me. (Laughter) They didn’t know, as I said you didn’t talk about addiction. So I had to start learning how to do time, cause I was played cops and robbers. I was takin’ your sh--. (Laughter)
I was addicted to stealing long before I was addicted to drugs. I use to love to steal, use to love to steal. You had something I wanted some of yours. Not work for it, but I needed some of yours. Let me get some of yours. The best way know to get something of yours is to steal it. So I had a habit of stealing long before I had a habit of using. I was hooked on stealing long before that. I was hooked on a lot of things. I took a lot of things that had no relationship as to the drug I was using.
You really don’t come to that recognition of things that happen along the way until much later when we come to places like Narcotics Anonymous. Where things have been covered up for so long, sick and so diverted in terms of where it came and when it happened or how it happen or why it happened or what happened. It takes a long time to sort that out. It takes time to sort that out.
As I said this is kind of a difficult place because very often the biggest thing that I have to offer is the journey that we took in terms of where we are today. And how I got to Narcotics Anonymous was because I went to enough places and told enough lies and got enough people to listen to my dilemma that were going to help me.
And that is how I got to Narcotics Anonymous, was by a great lie is what it amounted to. Cause the lady came up the county jail and she pleaded to me. She made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. And most of us in this room here had offers that you couldn’t refuse and you had to check it out. “Let me help you.” And of course if you are like me you say, “I don’t need no help. Just leave me alone I’ll be ok” And you steal them blind and you disappoint them. And you go out and try to die on them and all this other good stuff that we do
And she plead to me about relationships, which we seem to get by some magic, we get into relationships. What we are looking for is somebody to take care of us. That’s one thing. If you’re a good dope fiend you need to have a good racehorse. (Laughter and clapping) Gotta have a runner. Gotta have a stable to go to when you get out. (Laughter)
We start thing we got the game down so good, that says we have no problems with that. Cause time and time again we get out of one of these places, first thing we want to do is go get a little taste for old times sake. Just one little taste. And never set out at any given time said, “I’m going out to get hooked anything.” Every time I used something I was hooked on it. I was off and running and I was headed back to jail.
Along the way we get into many peoples lives. Mother, sweethearts, wives, husbands, children. Not only do we take them hostage, we put great demands upon them. You must do this or you must do that. And the promise she made me was, I’m gonna stay here and I’m helping you. What ya gotta do is you gotta get some help. No problem WHERE!
During the ‘50’s there was no place to go folks. Help was very distant. Even the ones who wanted help you couldn’t help them. Because it was against the law to help an addict. “AGAINST THE LAW!!!!” We could not even congregate with one another you know. We would meet each other going down the street we have to stay the distance. “Hey Baby.” We had to fake it all and keep walking, until you get to an alley, where you could take care of business.
So what happens is we burn a lot of people in the process. We burn a lot of our bridges as we go by. Maybe with the good intensions of want to do the right thing. By the time I stick that spike off in my arm or light one of those things or what ever. Everything changes. Good intensions don’t mean sh--. And very often I think I had the good intensions about doing the right thing for the right reasons. But very often didn’t have any help as to where and how to get some help. How to ask for help even. But what happen was this lady came up there and we have a very loose relationship.
I had moved into her house, because I needed a place to hide out. A place to live and I needed place for somebody to run for me. To write me them letters that make them great promises that we write when we go to jail. When we go to one of them places, we write some mean sh--. (Laughter) We good. I wish you all could put all that literature and stuff on paper. We put it all on paper when we’re beggin’ back in one of these places. “Mamma, I’m gonna get my stuff together. Get me a good job. I’m gonna get me the kids a yellin’. I’m gonna dress ‘em up and dress ‘em down. And I’m gonna be the best whatever, whatever, whatever.” (Laughter) That’s right. Yea that’s right. (Laughter) About the third or forth time that’s when we say that to ‘em. Yea, right! But let me see you do it and don’t tell me about you gonna do it.
But you know I had all good intensions. It wasn’t the case I didn’t have a trade I could go to. I just could go to the job, because I couldn’t hold a job. Because once I started using the job was shot. Once I have done stole the half the jobs materials and things, like (laughter) there isn’t no need in going back there.
And I think about in those terms and you know I could go out and get a job and I could plead it into my abilities and all this type of stuff. And work just longs enough to ruin it. Because that is usually what happened I would ruin it.
So what happen is she took up my little promise of I’m gonna do it right, I’m gonna do it good. Please, please, please. And part of the process what that the promise was in order for me to do this thing, we had to get married. I don’t know where that came from (Laughter) Married to what? (Laughter)
I didn’t have a job. Didn’t have no place to stay. Had no bank account. And I’m looking forward to having a place to go. It’s I’m just trying to make this here pact, that we’re going to do this here thing together. I do. (Laughter) I do. Go pay the bail, go get the lawyer, or what ever you have to do. (Laughter)
The problem was I didn’t have no help. The problem was I like to run the lady crazy. She was about to go insane. She had never seen this thing called drug addiction in its full bloom. Wake up 3 or 4 o’clock in the morning taking about, “I’m sick.” You know I go out get a loaf of bread and be gone for six months. (Laughter) Call from distant places with sad tales of woe. (Laughter)
“There’re messin’ with me again.” During the ‘50’s as I said, there was no place to go. They had a couple of places to go. They had Lexington, Fort Worth, but you had to petition to go there. They gave you no help going to jail. The way they get you withdrawn during those days was some aspirin and Pepto-Bismol. That was it. And do it the best way you can.
And always the case of you leaving them places. Tellin’ all the fellas, “This is it baby. I’m finished with this one.” The only problem is between your destination and where you are leaving from you had to have a taste for old times sake. And you always ended up back in the same place. Talkin’ about I don’t what happen. I just had a little taste. There was no place to go.
And to show you how long this has been talking about since Narcotics Anonymous. 1953 in the inception of the first Narcotics Anonymous meetings on the west coast, they had little fragments of places where they tried to start Narcotics Anonymous in other places. It was a copy of the other program. We call it now today the other program. (Laughter) See they didn’t like us up there, gracing their little meeting places with our tales of woe of being a dope fiend.
We were the scourges of the earth. We had no redeeming value. We were a dope fiend. Addicts were recognized as a disease, aliment, sickness or illness or anything. You just a dog. And they use to treat you as such. Even in jail they treated you bad. You say you go to jail for a crime because you have some time to do. Then treat you bad after you get there.
So, there was not much respect in terms of your illness. Do the best you can. I use to carry a petition to go to Lexington in my back pocket. So when I went to jail I could tell the judge I am trying to get some help. Just as soon as I get this petition back to the court, they’re going to let me go to Lexington and get my stuff together. Only to come to find out Lexington was in a dilemma too. They had been studying dope fiends for 20 years. The only conclusion they came to was, “Dope fiends lie and they like candy bars.” (Laughter) Great conclusion.
They learned more from monkeys, than they did from dope fiends. Very strange. They had a laboratory setting that they were studying reactions of different type animals to stimulants, heroin and morphine. And they had not learned much about the human and their reaction to kicking the habit, long-term drug use. The monkeys were having better response from them than were humans.
But they did have happen in there, this fella called Houston out of Texas, came through and he thought here idea that the 12-Step Of Recovery might work for addicts. They had tried that one, but they tired it with alcoholics. And they had studied what addiction was about to some degree, but they had very little proof as by their own devices could they carry it out. Addicts got short memory. An addict has short memory. You could forget they was out there dying and all of the sudden the reason why you was dying is because you were doing certain things. You can forget all about that.
How can one bit of anything cause you to have so much chaos in your life? They know nothing about progression of this disease; know nothing about where the destination of this disease and the killer that it is.
So in the process here they are tying to study what the disease of addiction is about. And the few people that left Lexington, went out on the street and they had this great enthusiasm that they could do this thing. They went to different places and started what they thought were meetings. And in the process of starting meetings or think they thought were meeting, they would have a marginal success, but they had short memories.
They had short memory that the substance they were using and the behavior that went with it is what was killing them. But they took it on the road anyhow. And when people ended out in California and they wanted to start these meetings, they wanted to call it something else. Addicts Anonymous, this kind of anonymous, and that kind of anonymous. And we’re going to do it our way.
For a lot of years they no such thing as traditions. Traditions didn’t come until much later. They had to find continuity and ties that works for us. So some of the people did ask the Service Office in New York, could they use the steps and traditions in order to start something called Narcotics Anonymous?
So starting this journey of, I think it was thirteen or fourteen people getting together saying we can do this thing. Let’s start this thing called Narcotics Anonymous and see where it goes. We got a problem with language. Knowing they have a problem with language, the other part of the equation is everybody wants to change something. We don’t like the steps as they’re written. We want to change them. (Laughter)
Our first attempt at changing something, we did. Out of permission we wanted to change the first word in each one of the steps that says “we”. Didn’t understand why it was so essential that we became a “we” program rather than an “I or me” program. One of our big savers is “we can’t, we can’t. Maybe together we can.” You as individuals are not a “we”; I can’t not do it by myself. We have to do a unifying sort of thing.
But addicts don’t like the way things work, they want to change sh--. That was the first thing they changed was the “we”. They didn’t know how essential that was. But part of the struggle was the opposition of society not wanting addicts congregate or to be together with one another. We had great problems about trying to have meeting or coming together as a group, because most of us were antisocial. We was “X” something. (Laughter) And the police didn’t believe sh—we said anyhow. (Laughter) And they voiced it all the time. “I don’t believe you mothers.” Even in jail we even had great disrespect for everybody. So how can you figure they are going to have respect for us?
So we did cause them problems, we cooked up something to give them some problems. And just because we were on the street didn’t mean we became respectable. We wanted to continue our behavior and still want someone to respect our actions. It didn’t work quite that way.
So we had great difficulty from 1953 to 1959 trying to formulate this thing called Narcotics Anonymous. To put it together, get it to work and have a meeting place. You go into a place, attempting to find a meeting place and they say, “You’re from where?”
“We’re Narcotics Anonymous, like that other program. We need to try to find a meeting place, that we can come together and try to recover.” “WE WILL CALL YOU, DON’T CALL US.”
Once again you say “narcotics” and the first thing they want to think of is jail. Police. There was no respectability that went along with it. “Did you know grandma has a problem with narcotics? She’s an addict too. No, the doctor prescribed this, so it is ok.” It was killing them too then. They got more and more stuff they are putting on the market to kill you.
So what occurred here was, Jimmy and a few others tried to keep the meeting open where they could find a space or place to have a meeting. An old coffee pot and tin coffee cups type of existence. Lasted up to a point, but it was only usually 2 or 3 people that showed up at a meeting. The ones trying to stay clean, tying to do this thing by some kind of magic.
We were more into with Tradition then we were the Steps. Because Traditions were the most important thing in our recovery. We will get to the Steps when we can get to the Steps. We didn’t know it worked in kind of reverse of that. The Steps should of come first. Get your game together and then we will worry about the game of getting everybody else together.
We had a lot of learning process’ that went along the way. We had a lot of trail and error. A lot of attempts of doing something we knew nothing about. We had no real guidance.
Jimmy tried the best he could. He didn’t speak the language of the street addict so to speak. He was a very wise person. He had know how and how to do things, but can you image him trying to get 20 to 30 addicts together and trying them to agree on anything. (Laughter) And then his health got bad, and in the process of his health getting bad, he had to leave the business of Narcotics Anonymous to those who have no information on how to do anything.
You would talk about follow the steps, follow the Traditions. We would read the steps or traditions. We had no literature other than this little white book, it wasn’t white it was buff colored and it had 20 pages in it with 20 questions and answers, the tradition, Just For Today and what Narcotics Anonymous was about. And that was it. That was Narcotics Anonymous in a nut shell.
And there were people trying to get something together or hold something together going to be long living. We had no idea. We had no leadership for a lot of years. And those that were willing to do something just seemed to not have enough time to really dedicate themselves to this thing called recovery.
I don’t care if it was called your recovery or my recovery. Recovery was just a word. We didn’t know the work that was involved or needed to be done in order to recover. The thing and the work needed to be done. There was great work that was to be done. Togetherness had to be created. We had to have oneness of purpose, of wanting to recover from this thing called addiction.
It was the case of just wanting to get clean, it was a case of how do you change your whole life? Something you have been doing all your life and all of the sudden you are going to stop doing one thing and go the opposite direction. It was very difficult. And those that were around didn’t understand what we were doing most of the time.
That woman who encouraged me or insisted I go to that Narcotics Anonymous meeting that I sent her off to check it out. She became a proponent of finding a place that she could go. She started a thing called Nar-Anon. That was pretty slick, she had to do a lot of roadwork. I gave her some tasks to do. (Laughter) You gotta understand what an addict is about. And she went out and found some other sisters that was having the same problem she was having. “What do you do when they off after six months and get a little red and don’t come back for six months?” (Laughter) Or some of them long tales you have to listen when you come home. Two of three days gone or two or three days of trying to save somebody. (Laughter)
What do you when you have bills that need to be paid? The light bill has to be paid. The gas bill has got to be paid. Or the telephone bill has to be paid. If you are like me you paid none of those. (Laughter) I had the money.
I had money often given to me to go to the grocery store. It just usually didn’t get there. I had more important things to do. I had great stories to tell about the fight that I had. I got stuck up at the corner or something. You know. Well this little b----- on the corner and took the money. (Laughter) No it didn’t do that. That’s not what happened. I sent him off for a package and he didn’t get back, that’s what happened. You stand there at the laundromat a day and half waiting for him to come back. (Laughter) Your tales just didn’t measure up, it didn’t hold water. It was seen right through. Once that got to understand what an addict was about there was a whole lot of changes that took place.
There was a trust that had to be developed. There had to be behavior modification as to what you had to do. There was such a thing as getting a job and going to work. Bringing the paycheck home. There was a lot of things we hadn’t done for a lot of years or maybe have never done and found out we have to do. We find out we are not a slick as we thought we were. That is the process the thing called the process of recovery.
It is a very slow process. We have to start remembering what is going on, how it is going on, what’s going on and sharing that view with another human being. We have to stop lying and crying and start growing up.
One of our biggest obstacles is communication. We have to learn to start trusting. We have to learn how to do a lot of things we never done before. If we did, it is so far in the past that we forgot how to do them. This is a growing up process. Just because your grown doesn’t mean you are grown up. It is a process all long. And so we started growing by little bits and pieces.
We become more trusting, we are starting to be trusted to some degree. There is a period of cautionary there, sometimes we have to watch you to see if you are really doing it or are you still lying. Cause we didn’t get well just because we got clean. It takes long time to do this thing of getting better in our handling, growing up and maturing. Maturity is one of the things we have to learn it is not something we know.
We have role models in this room. In this room we have a lot of information, we got a lot of answers in this room. We must learn how to share this information with each other. The thing that we learn here, we have to pass it on to those who are coming along. The last person in that door, my be the person that brings the message I need today. There is certain amount of trust we learn about.
We learn something about this power called Higher Power. Learn that you are not it. (Laughter) We have to be very adamant about that. You are not it. As much as we would like to thing we got our game together and we know what is going on, remember you are not it.
That don’t mean you stop trying to do the things that necessary to find out what the results are going to be. The proof is in the doing. The proof is in the happing or seeing what is happening. This event here today is an event that is happening. You stay around here and you start living this thing called a new way of life.
As you can imagine that one meeting in 1959, I didn’t stay clean, I was out to run this woman crazy. I had to go out there and get kicked the head some more. I had to play cops and robbers for a couple of more years.
But one of the things that did happen is, it gave the tools for recovery, in that little book. The 12 and 12 things to do and it said, “WE”. It got on the “WE”. Get on the “WE” wagon baby. Give up your power wagon or the power position, which you think that you got; only to find out you ani’t got no power.
But the power does exist that is necessary for you to recover. And learn how to enjoy your living. I thought I was having fun for a lot of years. I thought I was having fun and I was the destroyer of many things in the process. I destroyed a family. I had destroyed relationships. I destroyed I destroyed. I destroyed.
And I stayed around long enough to learn how to enjoy my living. I have great respect for living today. If you look around you, you say we diminish at a fast rate because we have to learn to take care of ourselves. You must learn how to care of physical problems that we have, that we didn’t take care of when we were out there using.
But you get the chance to enjoy some living. Some daily living by the practice of doing the things that you perhaps you think won’t work or haven’t worked or uses the case of you haven’t done anything. That is what my revelation has been because I have become willing to do the things necessary.
I’m still in the process of growing up folks. I know I am getting a little old for that. But as long as I stay on the road of recovery by the process of doing the things that are necessary for me to stay here. We have reached that place where life is going to show up. And we have to face life on lives terms. But we don’t have to do it alone, we don’t have to do it alone.
I have become reliant on that power that I had no voice, no recognition of. There is something that is power greater than I. I had to come to grips with that if I wanted some help I had to rely on this here power.
We are gathered here, in order to try to get some information in terms of how do we live a better life. How can we get more comfort in our lives? We have to do some sharing, we must do some caring, we must come in touch with this power in some recognition there is some power that runs it all and you are not it. So if you’re not it, you better reach up and get you a hand full of it baby and get a hand full of it. Cause sometime we are going to need it. Sometime we are going to need it.
So my day usually starts with help, prayer very short. Not the prayers I use have. Yesterday’s prayers I to beg for sh—you know? I was digging in my own sh--. I found out prayer works. I get carried away, but I found out what I prayed for I usually got. Isn’t that amazing? Many of us are going to try it tonight. Pray works, go pray upon something. You will find out if you are suppose to have it or not. (Laughter)
We know what you’re going to do. Being the addicts, we know what each other is going to do.Cause we have done it over and over again. Just as proof as to, “I don’t believe that.” Try it out. Just don’t use in the mean time. Cause once you use, you are going to block out the lesson you need to learn. See I tried all the little tricks, I’ve tried all the little shot cuts. I one of these here that thought out and see what the he—they got in here.
It’s been a long time and I still want to try out something on my own. Huh? Sometime you are supposed to try out on your own, but I have to find out the things are. And sometimes I have to find somebody in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous and ask them, “What was your experience? What was your experience? Will you share with me if you go down that road or not go down that road.” Cause you see Bob still wants to go down on of those roads. Not to use.
Cause using is not part of it. Cause I know it counts the awful experience of what is about to happen. Sometime I have to have the experience cause that is the way I am. It becomes on of these here incidents that says, “Let me check this one out. I just want to experiment. I just want to see if my Higher Power wants me to go this way. To do this thing or carry out this deed.” Sometimes it is yes and sometimes it is no. And sometimes no is just to show you not suppose to have it. That’s not for you baby. You’re not prepared for that. Not getting to far ahead of me.
Bob still gets ahead of me. You see I am still an addict in recovery in the process of happening of this thing called recovery. It is quite essential that you must experience it happening for you. How can you tell me about a cake you have never baked? Until you have baked on and then you can tell me what success you have had.
This works the same way. The formula, they give you the formula. Apply the formula and see what results you get. If you like the results, use the formula again. You will find out it very consistent. The formula has been tried over and over again by many people in this room.
Maybe not everyone, cause some days I don’t want to try the formula. Bob wants to be in charge. I don’t know why? I don’t have nothing to offer to be in charge. Sh—(Laughter) I’d rather give it to you and let you be in charge. But sometimes I must do the work. And that is what I have got to find out. Am I willing to do the work that goes with it?
So stay around until you learn to enjoy the things that you are given so freely. The formula is the 12-Steps. The power that helps you along the way you must get in touch with because it becomes very personalized on how it works for you.
It is a very taxing program that works well and most people try to carry it out to the best of their ability. There are some of us having difficulties, because we have brain damage. (Laughter) You might laugh but it is the truth. They got some people out there on some sick sh--. There is some sick sh--, they try to make it ok. You can walk around mummified and you don’t have to be responsible. What do they do now? Go get some help. Go get some help.
I want to thank the committee for asking me to share. If I seem a little sideways in the process, I know I have some brains. I also have some feeling things happening. Not only the thing about getting old and saying I can’t remember anything. You might be surprised. We all have to get to that place perhaps some day. I have found out that goes along with aging. That goes along with aging sh--. Doesn’t mean you are go crazy. That just means you are not as sharp as you use to be. (Laughter) I am disappointed with me. I use to be pretty sharp. I use to remember things in a minute and now it takes me a little while now to put it together now. It is the same thing about getting from here to there, I move a lot slower. Fact is I am moving too slow, but I have some physical problems that manifest themselves, that shows up. It is like the last ten years every time I go to the doctor, he says I got another thing. “Well you got another thing here. Just take a pill.” (Laughter) “Come back and see me next week.” I’m getting tired of going and seeing the doctor, but I can’t stop going.
I am enjoying life today, to the best of my ability. I still have expectations as to what life has to offer. I am trying to live it the best I can. Doing the best I can. I will still try and continue to carry the message of Narcotics Anonymous where ever I go. I am going to try to be an example that this here program Narcotics Anonymous works. It will work a long time as well as it does short time.
I have been clean over 45 years. (Loud yelling and clapping) But that means I am getting 45 years older too. (Laughter) I am moving a lot slower, I don’t think as fast. I have to compensate for a lot of things. I can’t run as fast as I use to. I was fast. (Bob chuckles) I move slow now. So have patience with me. You see me needing help along the way, give me a hand.
Let’s do this thing together. If I have anything that you can use I will gladly share it with you. I’ll share with you what I have and we will enjoy life together.
Thank you. (Loud clapping)
Speaker Bob B. - Celebration Of Unity 25
Orlando, FL - May 25, 2007