emvr
01-06-2008, 08:24 AM
well, here i am, after years of searching for the place i belong. i went to alanon a few times in the past and didnt feel i belonged there. i was lead to ACOA through my church, and went on to find the literature on line. when i read the characteristics of ACOAs I thought wow, they know me. I have spent a life time trying to please alcoholics and addicts and finally discovered I lost myself in the process. I have no boundaries when it comes to these people, yet I have healthy relationships with those who arent in addiction. A relationship with an addict recently ended, and I crashed again. Didnt eat or sleep properly for days, grieving the abandonment of someone not capable of being there for me, and he was quite honest and forthright about that. Yet I kept trying, kept thinking I had to keep investing in this one sided relationship. Didnt really know why though, but by god i wasnt going to let go of it.
Reading the ACOA material I can see why I do what I do, for thefirst time really in my life.
My primary relationships with my mom and brother are onesided and if I dont call they dont call. My mom expects me to do whatever she wants, and my needs dont matter. She doesnt do this anymore, but she has had the pattern of making plans with me and then cancelling when something better came up. I have been stood up by my mother. My own mother. It baffles me. Yet when i say i am busy, I get the guilt trip. I could go on and on about this but the bottom line is that it is dysfunctional. One sided and hurtful.
So I attract one sided relationships where I end up doing all of the initiating and planning. When I dont call, I hear nothing. I tell people how I feel and it doesnt change.
Its no wonder I dated yet another alcoholic. Its what I am used to. But this time I woke up to my role in it and i want to get healthier so i dont attract unhealthy anymore.
I want balance. I want give and take. I want to talk and listen and be heard and respected. I want dates to be important to my partner and not be stood up, and not apologized to when it happens. Call if you cant make it. Dont ignore me and think I will understand, even though thats what I have done all my life. I have been a doormat and accepted the unacceptable just so i could avoid being abandoned. in the process i abandoned myself and any kind of respect i should have for me. I lost ME in the process.
Finding ACOA meetings and being on line with others will help me find Liz again. I need to stand up for me, and respect myself enough to say no to inappropriate treatment. I let others treat me poorly because I dont think i deserve better. its not their problem, its an inner belief that i am damaged goods and people can treat me like crap. sad hey. i think so.
so here i am welcoming any wisdom or stories people might have that can help me see that i am here for the right reasons, and i am on the right track.
thanks for reading and i wish you the best in recovery.
Reading the ACOA material I can see why I do what I do, for thefirst time really in my life.
My primary relationships with my mom and brother are onesided and if I dont call they dont call. My mom expects me to do whatever she wants, and my needs dont matter. She doesnt do this anymore, but she has had the pattern of making plans with me and then cancelling when something better came up. I have been stood up by my mother. My own mother. It baffles me. Yet when i say i am busy, I get the guilt trip. I could go on and on about this but the bottom line is that it is dysfunctional. One sided and hurtful.
So I attract one sided relationships where I end up doing all of the initiating and planning. When I dont call, I hear nothing. I tell people how I feel and it doesnt change.
Its no wonder I dated yet another alcoholic. Its what I am used to. But this time I woke up to my role in it and i want to get healthier so i dont attract unhealthy anymore.
I want balance. I want give and take. I want to talk and listen and be heard and respected. I want dates to be important to my partner and not be stood up, and not apologized to when it happens. Call if you cant make it. Dont ignore me and think I will understand, even though thats what I have done all my life. I have been a doormat and accepted the unacceptable just so i could avoid being abandoned. in the process i abandoned myself and any kind of respect i should have for me. I lost ME in the process.
Finding ACOA meetings and being on line with others will help me find Liz again. I need to stand up for me, and respect myself enough to say no to inappropriate treatment. I let others treat me poorly because I dont think i deserve better. its not their problem, its an inner belief that i am damaged goods and people can treat me like crap. sad hey. i think so.
so here i am welcoming any wisdom or stories people might have that can help me see that i am here for the right reasons, and i am on the right track.
thanks for reading and i wish you the best in recovery.