admin
06-19-2006, 07:09 AM
<b>flickchic</b> - Sun 22 Jan, 2006 2:45 am<br />
<b>Post subject: </b>selfishness<hr width=95% class="sep"/>
I am new here, have only been dry since Monday last, and by gosh because I've hit rock bottom for the 2nd time in my life I've had some huge awakenings/realisations; one of them being that I am a very selfish person throough my efforts to control my immediate environment and any outcomes of adjustments or change in my life and those around me....mostly my partner whom I have lost since my last blackout rage on
<br />
Monday night. He has told me many times that if things don't go my way I get "****************ty" I deny that...until now. why do we have to loose so much before accepting things people tell us...why can we not hear before it's too late...well I do know that until we are ready to "HEAR" something, someone can repeat it as many times as they like and it will not be "accepted by us".
<br />
<br />
I denied being selfish because I am a generous person in so many ways, materalistically, in the way i love my children, freinds, partner etc., I am not good at sharing control.....it's hard to really look at myself and admit this at the moment, however I know that what he has said so many times is true....and instead of speaking up and saying straight away that I'm unhapppy with something, a decision that has been made, changes in our immediate environment, I get "cranky" and ********************y instead and the i get into resentment mode and mutter under my breathe...(another thing I deny doing most of the time), eventually and argument happens and I strike out...not always when i'm drinking. I recognised a while ago I had drinking issues....have always been a drinker...socially I thought....I started having blackout rages about 18 months ago and realised I had to address them...I din't drink when I thought I had emotional issues that needed addressing,,,,,the other night we had send off drinks after work for my partner (we both work away on mine sites) and well it got out of hand and now I'm grieving a huge loss.
<br />
I tried hard not be be selfish with his decision to leave the mine we were both at to go to another.....we will be apart for two weeks each time...9 months ago I left the kids in the city (shared care) with their dad's so I could go and join my partner on the mines..then he tells me he's given notice..had enough of the place....I was devestated....it's not as easy for me to move to another site as it is him....he said he thought I'd be ok, I'm generally a pretty strong and capable person...well liked and have fitten in well to the new lifestyle of the mining industry....I was having a lot of troubling coping with the upcoming chnages and loss....two weeks at a time..no kids..no partner, home for one week to all catch up...well my internal pain became very angry and abusive when I got drunk and now I have a partner that hasn't had a conversation with me for nearly a week and tells me he 's had enough...."sorry won't cut it any more", he said he's seen the pattern too many times and it won't be happening again. I am sitting in the here and now and am being quiet, my grief has been huge and I keep fighting between wether or not i'm in denial or just hanging on and hoping he'll chnage his mind....he's gone into complete cave space though and is emotionless towards me.....so painful.
<br />
<br />
I went to a drug and rehab programme a few years ago, I am a clean addict..6 years now, so I picked myself up 3 days ago and went to them again and said..:"ok I have a alcohol addiction that I've self denied for many many years"
<br />
<br />
I might leave that there for now....if I've posted in the wrong spot I apologise....I kind of just got strated and wanted to express myself....I have always been able to write my feelings.....haven't journalled in ages and guess I ought to begin again.
<br />
<br />
thank's for this place and letting me share some of me. <hr />
<b>flickchic</b> - Sun 22 Jan, 2006 4:00 am<br />
<b>Post subject: </b>selfishness<hr width=95% class="sep"/>
I am coming th terms with the fact that I am selfish, however for me to accept I need to understand why. Why do I feel that the world has to revolve around me?....why do I throw a tantrum when things don't be the way I want them to? I wasn't able to as a child...it happened occasionaly, however more often than not I'd get a belting for a tantrum....I wonder if it's because I wasn't aloud to express my discontent and have never learnt the appropriate way to do so...or is it more?, I know I've tried hard to express my feelings of discontent more and more over the past three years or so, however I am still adept at tantrums, or more to the point silent grudges and quiet angry mutterings...something my partner has brought to my attention on many occasions.
<br />
<br />
I'd really appreciate any input please. or is it more essential I search and discover this for myself? <hr />
<b>zoomie</b> - Sun 22 Jan, 2006 10:08 am<br />
<b>Post subject: </b><hr width=95% class="sep"/>
Fel, you cannot change yorself over night. My change had to be slowly and I'm still growing. I use to have my fits too if things did not go my way, I still have them,but not as many as I use to. Go to the first step Fel and just concentrait on not drinking one day at a time. No use beating yourself up over the past. Your boyfriend may or maynot come back if you stop drinking,but your life will be so much better anyway as long as your sober. As far as fits go. I too am a serviver of childhood abuse and my fits stem from back when I was a kid. Eventhough I had a rough life and still going through hard times was no exscuse to have my fits,so I sought help. Just think if some one put a tape recorder in your house and listioned to your rants (that's what made me stop and think) What would they hear? I go to a shrink to help me because AA was not going to help PTSD. I take medication,go to meetings,come here and pray. I'm not perfect in controling my rants,but I'v improved 75%. I do hope at one time I'll never have my rants again. Keep the faith that you will get better as long as you really want to. ((((((((Huggys))))))) <hr />
<b>peajaye</b> - Sun 22 Jan, 2006 10:26 am<br />
<b>Post subject: </b><hr width=95% class="sep"/>
control issues are something I think most of us can relate to, I know I can. For me it stemmed from not trusting that I would get what I needed or wanted, or I might lose something I had. Lack of trust, and that certainly is left over from childhood. Also, I couldn't control my drinking so I wanted to control everything around me. My control issues were most apparent in my intimate relationships because I believe, I had the most to lose there. I was terrified of being alone. Sometimes my good behavior was about maintianing control as well. Zoomie made an excellent point in concentrating on getting help for your drinking problem is the first step in your recovery whether your partner returns to you emotionally or not.
<br />
<br />
I too knew that I was a drug addict, but didn't think I had a problem with alcohol. Today I know that addiciton is addiction. Alcohol is a drug. After I addressed my ALCOHOLISM, I began to recover. I still have some control issues, but today I recognize them and I see you already recognize yours. First though, like Zoomie, I would say to follow through with your contact with the treatment center program you mentioned.
<br />
All the best,
<br />
PegJean <hr />
<b>Baritone</b> - Sun 22 Jan, 2006 12:26 pm<br />
<b>Post subject: </b><hr width=95% class="sep"/>
Flickchic,
<br />
<br />
If i had to wait to understand <span style="font-style:italic">why </span>i was selfish before i could begin to change, i'd never have gotten very far in the program. I just had to take an honest look at how trying to get my way wasn't working, and be willing to turn it over to a higher power that was much more qualified to run the universe than i was. A lot of the time i still act in self-centered ways, and have to admit that the results are always far short of the joy and serenity i get when i try to follow my higher power's will instead of my own. It's taken me some years in recovery, and a couple of 4th steps, to begin to finally recognize the roots of some of my old behaviors. There's several things we hear in the program, "Time takes time", "More will be revealed", and "We didn't get sick overnight, we can't expect to get well overnight". I'm real glad you're here, and willing to work on recovery. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, follow the simple sugestions (go to meetings, talk to other alcoholics, work the steps, etc.) and things will get better.
<br />
<br />
Hugs, <img src="images/smiles/45.gif" alt="hug" border="0" />
<br />
- Jim <hr />
<b>Misselle</b> - Sun 22 Jan, 2006 1:22 pm<br />
<b>Post subject: </b><hr width=95% class="sep"/>
<span style="color:darkred"><span style="font-family:Tahoma">I wonder if you aren't a bit too soon to be taking on this much - as you said, you just got sober. Take a moment and congratulate yourself for that! You have plenty of time and a 12 step program to help you sort out the rest.
<br />
<br />
With that said, it sounds like you are definitely on the right track. I have never met an addict or alcoholic without many issues to work out, and you are identifying them and trying to work through them. One thing at a time - try not to solve every issue at once or beat yourself up.
<br />
<br />
Keep us updated!
<br />
<br />
Your friend in recovery, Nicole</span></span> <hr />
<b>Doraine</b> - Sun 22 Jan, 2006 2:36 pm<br />
<b>Post subject: </b><hr width=95% class="sep"/>
Staying sober is the first step one day at a time. Then you can begin to look at your character defects which will get better as long as you stay sober. Staying sober has to be your first priority otherwise nothing changes if nothing changes.
<br />
I had a bad temper even into sobriety but it has been removed with time.The steps are designed to help us with our character defects.The first step says,"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable". Start there and you can't go wrong.Go to f2f meetings and get a sponser, take your sponser's suggestions and you will get better. Be patient with yourself recovery takes time. Try not to worry about the things you can't change right now. Use the Serenity Prayer. " God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference".
<br />
It's been working for me for 18 years.
<br />
Good luck with your sober journey. <hr />
<b>flickchic</b> - Mon 23 Jan, 2006 4:59 am<br />
<b>Post subject: </b><hr width=95% class="sep"/>
Hello everyone, thank's so much for your words of wisdom and support.
<br />
<br />
Yes, early days, baby steps are essential
<br />
<br />
Yep, addicts are addicts. I thought I'd done all the addiction stuff with n/a, complacency is not good for me.
<br />
<br />
anyway I'm glad I found you all here and thank's for the hugs....they are always welcome.
<br />
(((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))for those who'd like them, felicity <hr />
<b>flickchic</b> - Tue 24 Jan, 2006 6:46 pm<br />
<b>Post subject: </b><hr width=95% class="sep"/>
my d/a counsellor pointed out to me yesterday that I'm not as emotionally selfish as I was thinking...that I'm taking a bit too much of that onto myself...my partner has shown himself to be emotionally selfish by making himself unavailable to me...also always controlling when everything would be ok again after an argument...so an eye opener there for me and a helpful one to cease some of the self beating up! <hr />
<b>Post subject: </b>selfishness<hr width=95% class="sep"/>
I am new here, have only been dry since Monday last, and by gosh because I've hit rock bottom for the 2nd time in my life I've had some huge awakenings/realisations; one of them being that I am a very selfish person throough my efforts to control my immediate environment and any outcomes of adjustments or change in my life and those around me....mostly my partner whom I have lost since my last blackout rage on
<br />
Monday night. He has told me many times that if things don't go my way I get "****************ty" I deny that...until now. why do we have to loose so much before accepting things people tell us...why can we not hear before it's too late...well I do know that until we are ready to "HEAR" something, someone can repeat it as many times as they like and it will not be "accepted by us".
<br />
<br />
I denied being selfish because I am a generous person in so many ways, materalistically, in the way i love my children, freinds, partner etc., I am not good at sharing control.....it's hard to really look at myself and admit this at the moment, however I know that what he has said so many times is true....and instead of speaking up and saying straight away that I'm unhapppy with something, a decision that has been made, changes in our immediate environment, I get "cranky" and ********************y instead and the i get into resentment mode and mutter under my breathe...(another thing I deny doing most of the time), eventually and argument happens and I strike out...not always when i'm drinking. I recognised a while ago I had drinking issues....have always been a drinker...socially I thought....I started having blackout rages about 18 months ago and realised I had to address them...I din't drink when I thought I had emotional issues that needed addressing,,,,,the other night we had send off drinks after work for my partner (we both work away on mine sites) and well it got out of hand and now I'm grieving a huge loss.
<br />
I tried hard not be be selfish with his decision to leave the mine we were both at to go to another.....we will be apart for two weeks each time...9 months ago I left the kids in the city (shared care) with their dad's so I could go and join my partner on the mines..then he tells me he's given notice..had enough of the place....I was devestated....it's not as easy for me to move to another site as it is him....he said he thought I'd be ok, I'm generally a pretty strong and capable person...well liked and have fitten in well to the new lifestyle of the mining industry....I was having a lot of troubling coping with the upcoming chnages and loss....two weeks at a time..no kids..no partner, home for one week to all catch up...well my internal pain became very angry and abusive when I got drunk and now I have a partner that hasn't had a conversation with me for nearly a week and tells me he 's had enough...."sorry won't cut it any more", he said he's seen the pattern too many times and it won't be happening again. I am sitting in the here and now and am being quiet, my grief has been huge and I keep fighting between wether or not i'm in denial or just hanging on and hoping he'll chnage his mind....he's gone into complete cave space though and is emotionless towards me.....so painful.
<br />
<br />
I went to a drug and rehab programme a few years ago, I am a clean addict..6 years now, so I picked myself up 3 days ago and went to them again and said..:"ok I have a alcohol addiction that I've self denied for many many years"
<br />
<br />
I might leave that there for now....if I've posted in the wrong spot I apologise....I kind of just got strated and wanted to express myself....I have always been able to write my feelings.....haven't journalled in ages and guess I ought to begin again.
<br />
<br />
thank's for this place and letting me share some of me. <hr />
<b>flickchic</b> - Sun 22 Jan, 2006 4:00 am<br />
<b>Post subject: </b>selfishness<hr width=95% class="sep"/>
I am coming th terms with the fact that I am selfish, however for me to accept I need to understand why. Why do I feel that the world has to revolve around me?....why do I throw a tantrum when things don't be the way I want them to? I wasn't able to as a child...it happened occasionaly, however more often than not I'd get a belting for a tantrum....I wonder if it's because I wasn't aloud to express my discontent and have never learnt the appropriate way to do so...or is it more?, I know I've tried hard to express my feelings of discontent more and more over the past three years or so, however I am still adept at tantrums, or more to the point silent grudges and quiet angry mutterings...something my partner has brought to my attention on many occasions.
<br />
<br />
I'd really appreciate any input please. or is it more essential I search and discover this for myself? <hr />
<b>zoomie</b> - Sun 22 Jan, 2006 10:08 am<br />
<b>Post subject: </b><hr width=95% class="sep"/>
Fel, you cannot change yorself over night. My change had to be slowly and I'm still growing. I use to have my fits too if things did not go my way, I still have them,but not as many as I use to. Go to the first step Fel and just concentrait on not drinking one day at a time. No use beating yourself up over the past. Your boyfriend may or maynot come back if you stop drinking,but your life will be so much better anyway as long as your sober. As far as fits go. I too am a serviver of childhood abuse and my fits stem from back when I was a kid. Eventhough I had a rough life and still going through hard times was no exscuse to have my fits,so I sought help. Just think if some one put a tape recorder in your house and listioned to your rants (that's what made me stop and think) What would they hear? I go to a shrink to help me because AA was not going to help PTSD. I take medication,go to meetings,come here and pray. I'm not perfect in controling my rants,but I'v improved 75%. I do hope at one time I'll never have my rants again. Keep the faith that you will get better as long as you really want to. ((((((((Huggys))))))) <hr />
<b>peajaye</b> - Sun 22 Jan, 2006 10:26 am<br />
<b>Post subject: </b><hr width=95% class="sep"/>
control issues are something I think most of us can relate to, I know I can. For me it stemmed from not trusting that I would get what I needed or wanted, or I might lose something I had. Lack of trust, and that certainly is left over from childhood. Also, I couldn't control my drinking so I wanted to control everything around me. My control issues were most apparent in my intimate relationships because I believe, I had the most to lose there. I was terrified of being alone. Sometimes my good behavior was about maintianing control as well. Zoomie made an excellent point in concentrating on getting help for your drinking problem is the first step in your recovery whether your partner returns to you emotionally or not.
<br />
<br />
I too knew that I was a drug addict, but didn't think I had a problem with alcohol. Today I know that addiciton is addiction. Alcohol is a drug. After I addressed my ALCOHOLISM, I began to recover. I still have some control issues, but today I recognize them and I see you already recognize yours. First though, like Zoomie, I would say to follow through with your contact with the treatment center program you mentioned.
<br />
All the best,
<br />
PegJean <hr />
<b>Baritone</b> - Sun 22 Jan, 2006 12:26 pm<br />
<b>Post subject: </b><hr width=95% class="sep"/>
Flickchic,
<br />
<br />
If i had to wait to understand <span style="font-style:italic">why </span>i was selfish before i could begin to change, i'd never have gotten very far in the program. I just had to take an honest look at how trying to get my way wasn't working, and be willing to turn it over to a higher power that was much more qualified to run the universe than i was. A lot of the time i still act in self-centered ways, and have to admit that the results are always far short of the joy and serenity i get when i try to follow my higher power's will instead of my own. It's taken me some years in recovery, and a couple of 4th steps, to begin to finally recognize the roots of some of my old behaviors. There's several things we hear in the program, "Time takes time", "More will be revealed", and "We didn't get sick overnight, we can't expect to get well overnight". I'm real glad you're here, and willing to work on recovery. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, follow the simple sugestions (go to meetings, talk to other alcoholics, work the steps, etc.) and things will get better.
<br />
<br />
Hugs, <img src="images/smiles/45.gif" alt="hug" border="0" />
<br />
- Jim <hr />
<b>Misselle</b> - Sun 22 Jan, 2006 1:22 pm<br />
<b>Post subject: </b><hr width=95% class="sep"/>
<span style="color:darkred"><span style="font-family:Tahoma">I wonder if you aren't a bit too soon to be taking on this much - as you said, you just got sober. Take a moment and congratulate yourself for that! You have plenty of time and a 12 step program to help you sort out the rest.
<br />
<br />
With that said, it sounds like you are definitely on the right track. I have never met an addict or alcoholic without many issues to work out, and you are identifying them and trying to work through them. One thing at a time - try not to solve every issue at once or beat yourself up.
<br />
<br />
Keep us updated!
<br />
<br />
Your friend in recovery, Nicole</span></span> <hr />
<b>Doraine</b> - Sun 22 Jan, 2006 2:36 pm<br />
<b>Post subject: </b><hr width=95% class="sep"/>
Staying sober is the first step one day at a time. Then you can begin to look at your character defects which will get better as long as you stay sober. Staying sober has to be your first priority otherwise nothing changes if nothing changes.
<br />
I had a bad temper even into sobriety but it has been removed with time.The steps are designed to help us with our character defects.The first step says,"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable". Start there and you can't go wrong.Go to f2f meetings and get a sponser, take your sponser's suggestions and you will get better. Be patient with yourself recovery takes time. Try not to worry about the things you can't change right now. Use the Serenity Prayer. " God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference".
<br />
It's been working for me for 18 years.
<br />
Good luck with your sober journey. <hr />
<b>flickchic</b> - Mon 23 Jan, 2006 4:59 am<br />
<b>Post subject: </b><hr width=95% class="sep"/>
Hello everyone, thank's so much for your words of wisdom and support.
<br />
<br />
Yes, early days, baby steps are essential
<br />
<br />
Yep, addicts are addicts. I thought I'd done all the addiction stuff with n/a, complacency is not good for me.
<br />
<br />
anyway I'm glad I found you all here and thank's for the hugs....they are always welcome.
<br />
(((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))for those who'd like them, felicity <hr />
<b>flickchic</b> - Tue 24 Jan, 2006 6:46 pm<br />
<b>Post subject: </b><hr width=95% class="sep"/>
my d/a counsellor pointed out to me yesterday that I'm not as emotionally selfish as I was thinking...that I'm taking a bit too much of that onto myself...my partner has shown himself to be emotionally selfish by making himself unavailable to me...also always controlling when everything would be ok again after an argument...so an eye opener there for me and a helpful one to cease some of the self beating up! <hr />