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06-19-2006, 07:15 AM

Clean42day - Fri 06 Jan, 2006 6:17 pm 
Post subject: working 4th step again.............<hr width=95% class="sep"/>
I was taught that we work the steps in a circular fashion. my sponsor told me that every few years or so we work another 4th and 5th step to stay spiritually fit. for those of you who have done this.....What is the main difference other than the amount of material to put on paper? do we dig deeper? is there another level of understanding that we reach? is the second time around more mature or more enlightening,.......just wondering if some of you could share your experience with this.
 

 
thank you for any and all replies in advance <img src="images/smiles/1.gif" alt="ok" border="0" /> <hr />

Cassie - Fri 06 Jan, 2006 6:41 pm 
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I am working on another 4th Step because of all that has happened to me since I did the last one. Not only can I look back and see where I went wrong, I can make a plan so it will be a learning experience and I don't make the same mistake again.
 

 
Hope this helps.
 

 

<img src="images/smiles/46.gif" alt="smile" border="0" /> <img src="images/smiles/45.gif" alt="hug" border="0" /> <img src="images/smiles/20.gif" alt="smile" border="0" /> <hr />
zoomie - Sat 07 Jan, 2006 8:53 am 
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Hi, I was told by my sponcer once you are done with the 4th and 5th you are done and the other steps are there for you to maintain your program.
 
It is interesting how some do the 4th and 5th again though. Good luck!!! <hr />

Cassie - Sat 07 Jan, 2006 12:27 pm 
Post subject: <hr width=95% class="sep"/>
<div align="center"><div class="codetitle">zoomie wrote:</div><div class="quotediv">Hi, I was told by my sponcer once you are done with the 4th and 5th you are done and the other steps are there for you to maintain your program.
 
It is interesting how some do the 4th and 5th again though. Good luck!!!</div></div>
 

 

Guess I haven't gotten to the 100% success in maintenance yet! <img src="images/smiles/icon_wink.gif" alt="Wink" border="0" /> Ever hopeful thought and grateful. <img src="images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif" alt="Very Happy" border="0" /> <hr />
zoomie - Sat 07 Jan, 2006 1:58 pm 
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LOL me either,but I do try! <hr />
Baritone - Sat 07 Jan, 2006 7:06 pm 

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A while ago i was telling someone with a lot of sobriety that i needed to do another fourth step, and was going into detail of my reasoning of what was wrong with my original fourth step, when he broke in with "well of course it wasn't very good, it was your first fourth step". Meaning that when we're new we don't see things all that clearly.
 

 
But i will say that my first fourth step was a load of poop. Not that i was lying or hiding anything, but looking back i was more concerned with writing down what i thought my sponsor wanted to hear, the way he wanted it written, than with an honest look at myself. I've since come to see how people-pleasing, or more specifically fear of what i think people will think of me, was one of my major defects, prompting a whole new look at a 4th step inventory for me.
 

 
- Jim <hr />
fibiray - Sun 08 Jan, 2006 8:26 am 

Post subject: <hr width=95% class="sep"/>
I think that many of us have to do a second 4th step for the simple reason that our memories are damaged when we first come in and when we are first attempting to do this step. I myself had to do another one as my mind began to clear and certain events began to jolt back into my memory. This is not to say that I deliberately left them out but at the time I did the best I could with what I had. Things seem to unravel in their own time and accord so I deal with them as they arise if need to be. Some people may feel it not necessary to do another one and just include it in their step 10. either way so long as they are getting addressed and dealth with that is all that matters really. Having some time under your belt does help as you are then aware of what you are responsible for and what you are not. Furthermore when other stuff came up later I was well aware of my defects of charcter by then but the event was just a reminder of exactly where my defects had taken me. <hr />
bry - Sun 08 Jan, 2006 9:08 am 
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I can only think of a couple of reasons I would do a second fourth step. Myself I relapsed after a number of years sober so I began at step one. The other reason would be if I couldn't continue through steps 5-12 then maybe there's is something wrong with how I'm working my program in general. If I'm practicing step 10 on a consistant basis I have no real need to do another 4th step. I stuggled to get where I am and don't want to go backward anymore. <hr />

Doraine - Sun 08 Jan, 2006 9:35 pm 
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I worked a second 4th step recently after being sober 18 years. A lot happened between my first 4th and my second 4th step. It was different than my first. I did it to make sure I was on track. I went a few years without going to meetings. I stayed sober but wasn't working a 12 step program. <hr />
Paul T - Wed 11 Jan, 2006 6:16 am 
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I never understood people who said they did the steps on a yearly basis. Surely we do steps 1 to 9, and live in 10 to 12?
 

 
Then I did another set of steps. Wow! Talk about a new experience and a new understanding! I am now one of those who do the steps on a yearly basis.
 

 
Specifically on a step 4, there is a deeper/different understanding when doing it again. As suggested above, memory improves for one thing, but other things that my early sobriety thought was not an issue were in fact an issue. Not much was replicated but a lot of stuff was still there. Defintiely worth doing more than once (in my opinion).
 

 
When I sponsor someone I go through the steps with them anyway, so I'm not sure how someone can only do it once. My idea of sponsoring is to share the experience, not tell someone what to do. So I also have that chance to have a new experience, a new understanding and a deeper spiritual experience with sponsees.
 

 

One last thing if I may. When you are at meetings or a conference, find out who has done the steps more than once and who hasn't. See if there is a difference in how they think, act and talk. I was genuinly surprised that all those who I admired and all those who had something I aimed for had done the steps multiple times. Those who had done it once were well and sober but did not have the presence and inner peace I saw in others.
 

 
Remember: good is the enemy of the best.
 

 
Obviously, this is my own experience and my own thoughts. Others have their own which are just as valid in their sobriety. <hr />
Cassie - Wed 11 Jan, 2006 7:34 am 
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<img src="images/smiles/goodpoint.gif" alt="good point" border="0" />
 

 
Well said Paul T. Thanks. <hr />
zoomie - Wed 11 Jan, 2006 8:36 am 
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Not to argue,but pointing fingers and making statments such as you just did and judging people's program,is not a very healthy AA thing to do.

 
My sponcer is a well loved man,he is dying with only doing one step 4. He has the admeration and love from all in our group. He is a quiet man that gave his service to others with out any need for thanks. He had been a GSR for our group and secretary for almost 3 years and made coffee on top of it all. He had many sponcees. Some never got sober and some did,but not once did anyone call him bossy. I guess it's all where you live and what your group thinks. Our group thinks it's fine to do only one step four and five and live the rest of the program day to day.
 
We have several hundred memebers. I think Cassie just wanted to know was there a differnce. I do not think there is a difference so much as each person or group does the program in his or her own way. I feel that if I do steps 10,11, and 12 each day that I would have no need for another 4th and 5th. My past is over,nor do I regret it or wish to shut the door on it. We all use our ESH to help the new commer. It's not quantity,it's quality. I think I did a great job on my 4th and 5th and was very honest. I had done another 4th step before I relapsed,therefore I was starting new again,so I did everything all over. So I feel if you relapsed then you should do another 4th and 5th,but if your sober your sober no matter how many 4th and 5ths you do. <hr />
bluidkiti - Wed 11 Jan, 2006 10:24 am 
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I have done a couple of 4th and 5th steps. When I relapsed and I had also gotten another sponsor (which is also the sponsor I have now) I did another 4th and 5th step with her. She brought up the subject of doing a 4th step and I said to her I had already done one with another sponsor before. She said well, you haven't done one with me. As I said, I had relapsed and then I got her as my sponsor when I came back. So I did the 4th step and did the 5th step with her. She said I did a great job. I feel the 4th step I did with her was more thorough than the first one I did with my first sponsor. She hasn't asked me to do another 4th step though I did sort of do another mini 4th step with her several months later on something else that came up.
 

 
I like what I heard this one old timer say in a meeting once - "what works to keep me sober just might get you drunk." I also like to each his own. So to each his own. Whatever works, do it. <img src="images/smiles/1.gif" alt="ok" border="0" /> <hr />
Carol87 - Wed 11 Jan, 2006 10:39 am 
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Oh My! <img src="images/smiles/icon_rolleyes.gif" alt="Rolling Eyes" border="0" /> It only took me three years to do my 4th step ... was it thorough? <img src="images/smiles/icon_confused.gif" alt="Confused" border="0" /> As thorough as I could do at the time. No, I haven't done a COMPLETE 4th and 5th again; however, on many occasions I have done a 'mini' 4th and 5th on specific issues. Plus - since doing my one and only complete 4th, I have discussed many of the issues that were not thoroughly covered the first time with my sponsor. That worked for ME. <img src="images/smiles/17.gif" alt="nod" border="0" />

 

 
I agree with Tammy ... do what is RIGHT FOR YOU ... <img src="images/smiles/tothineownself.jpg" alt="to thine own self" border="0" /> <hr />
vlrknicks - Wed 11 Jan, 2006 11:52 am 
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I have done several 4th Steps in my sobriety. In my 10th year my sponsor suggested I do an inventory on an issue which continued to trouble me - insecurity in relationships. My copdependency was so rampant in my life. I lived in fear of rejection, abandonment. Doing this 4th Step gave me the clarity about my part and struggles. Learning to admit my controlling behavior made huge difference in all my relationships. Done 4th Steps with finances, sexual issues that continued to be a problem for me in recovery. By doing a 4th step on a specific area that caused me pain can offer hope. And hope, I have learned is what fosters willingness to change. My sponsor pointed out to me that it's very unlikely you will change a behavior until you have seen how clearly this behavior has disrupted your serenity. My opinion only - Stepwork requires acceptance which I believe is the key to the 4th Step. I accept that any effort I make will be imperfect. I accept that this is okay. I accept that looking at the past is necessary if I want to find serenity in the present. And that changing any aspect of the present can come only after I have understood the past. I accept that life is a process and tomorrow will offer us another opportunity to learn and grow. I do not have to do a 4th Step alone ever...I found serenity in the knowledge that I am not on this path by accident, but clearly by design. I have been graced by my loving God, who is at my side every STEP I take.
 

Peace Vic <img src="images/smiles/46.gif" alt="smile" border="0" /> <hr />
Clean42day - Thu 12 Jan, 2006 4:37 pm 
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Wow thanks to all of you for your input....
 

 
I was taught that alcoholism and addiction are but symptoms of deeper underlying issues that make us maladjusted to life.

 

 
after pealing away layers my first 4th and 5th revealed some prety disturbing and dysfunctional belief systems.
 

 
The core root of my dysfunction began in Co-dependency. I either felt responsible for the world or a victim of it. for me this is where most of my unmanageability comes from today. Understanding it, admitting it, and being aware of it.....means nothing If I don't take actions to change it.
 

 
I don't dilligenlty do a daily 10th step....it has not become an automatic habit....I am more likley to become willing to do it....when i have run into a wall, some pain, or an obstacle with my self or my behavior or others behavior.
 

 
I do however seek "reality" checks from trusted individuals with long term recovery on a daily basis....but I don't write them down on paper as an official 10th step.....and they build up.

 

 
I am an addiholic....I am not only an addict/alcoholic.....
 

 
if you add anything mood altering or mind changing to me.....I want more of it. if it takes me out of my feelings....I seek it.
 

 
and that not only includes drugs or alcohol...it can also include.....sex, shopping, money, academic achievement, ego inflating, the illusion of power and control, people pleasing.....because these things can become obsessive coping skills that "change" my mood and how I feel about myself, and eventually cause unmanageability.
 

 
most of my problems today have nothing to do with alcohol or drugs.....they stem from my approach to life and living, and how i see mself in relation to the world around me.
 

 
I don't know if this has made sense to anyone...........
 

 
but I want to do another 4th step to uncover another layer of what doesn't work. and by doing that.....I can also come to the conclusion of what does and begin to live another chapter of growth in my life.
 

 
We get a daily reprieve based on our spiritual condition.....and I want to do a thorough housecleaning again, and begin to live the progam including a daily 10th step on a new level.
 

 

I have a feeling I will find not only what I still need to work on.....but also become aware of how far I have come.
 

 
either way....more will be revealed...........
 

 
Good topic...thanks for participating.............
 

 
light and love to all
 

 
<img src="images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif" alt="Very Happy" border="0" />

 

 
Gail <hr />
free2bunme - Thu 12 Jan, 2006 4:51 pm 
Post subject: <hr width=95% class="sep"/>
<div align="center"><div class="codetitle">Quote:</div><div class="quotediv">The core root of my dysfunction began in Co-dependency. I either felt responsible for the world or a victim of it. for me this is where most of my unmanageability comes from today. Understanding it, admitting it, and being aware of it.....means nothing If I don't take actions to change it. </div></div>

 

 
me too, Clean! I've heard that annual housecleanings help us get more and more willing to let go of the "character defects" that continue to plague us, well into sobriety. i dont see how it can hurt, ya know? <hr />
BB.Bernie - Sat 14 Jan, 2006 7:04 am 
Post subject: steps 10, 11,12<hr width=95% class="sep"/>

Hi my name is bernie iam a alcoholic (may 28 2001) is my dry day. Was on a 12 step call tonight boy am i feelingggg GREAT. I come into this AA program thinking that no one was like me. its great to no your not alone. I first did my steps I did throught the 12 & 12 I did them to the Best of my abilty I had a very profound Awakeing ( God comes to most men gradualy but his impact on me was sudden and profound. I was about 7 mth. Dry by the 9 mth iam ready to get drunk! Then my Creator puts in my path a very interesting, man, he attracted me but yet he scared me. He had somthing I wanted, and he new what was wrong with me, this man (my sponcer now) guided me through the steps as laid out in the Frist 164 pages of are big book. we would meet 1 a week, for 10 mts we did this,just him, me and God. We would read a little, then we would share on what was read.He shared his truth and i shared mine Honesty, Openminds. This was what I was missing I found my own truth, in finding my own truth I found God because God is truth. Rarely Have we seen a person Fail who has THOROUGHLY followed our path. When we would meet he often say, that it was doing him more good than me. My knoweldge is Bad for Me, Good for you, your Knoweldge is bad for you, But is good for me. I now guide others as I was. And I have ceased fighting anythink, or anyone, even me. I react sanely and normally, and it just comes! Thats the miracle! of it. I feel as if I have been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. I feel as though The problem has been removed. Iam neither cocky nor nor am I afraid. This is how I react so long as I stay in fit spiritual condition. Each and every night I take a personal inventory,was I selfish, disonest, was I afraid. This is the best step, besides, 11. I thank God very very much for this step. Because as I see Today I may not see tommore. I believe steps 10,11,12 are what keep me spiritualy Fit. They say you can take your spiritual to the level you want. <hr />
Kirstin - Thu 02 Feb, 2006 12:11 pm 
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Hello I am new to this group thanks for having it.
 
I have a few 24 hours in the program and it is my understanding that if you have done your 4th -9th steps there would be no reason to do them again. What we have given to Our Higher Power in our 6th and 7th step we never take back as we are willing to without reservations clean house and ask God to remove all of these defects of character.

 
In the Big Book it tells us we continue to take personal inventory and when wrong promptly admit it. This however is our 10th step, which keeps us from filling that bag of defects back up again, necessitating another 4th thru 9th step. If we have forgotten something in these steps as we surely can not wait until we remember everything before doing these steps, I was taught that we can take inventory on those alone. I hear a lot of sponsors say when they take on a new sponsoree that has done their steps they make them do them again. I feel this again negates the powerfulness and purpose of doing our steps one time with one person and giving it to our Higher Power. That alone is hard enough for us.
 

 
I went and looked in the Big Book to see what it said about Inventories and it affirms what I was taught and how I read the Big Books intent on doing Inventories. Here are the referrences to 'Inventories"
 

 
Thank you for you great questions
 

 
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS
 
Search Results

 
Found 14 matches for "inventory".
 

 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

 
Chapter 5. HOW IT WORKS page 59
 
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
 

 

 

 
Chapter 5. HOW IT WORKS page 59
 
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
 

 

 

 
Chapter 5. HOW IT WORKS page 64
 
Therefore, we started upon a personal inventory.

 

 

 

 
Chapter 5. HOW IT WORKS page 64
 
A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke.
 

 

 

 

Chapter 5. HOW IT WORKS page 64
 
Taking commercial inventory is a fact-finding and a fact-facing process.
 

 

 

 
Chapter 5. HOW IT WORKS page 67
 
The inventory was ours, not the other man's.
 

 

 

 
Chapter 5. HOW IT WORKS page 70
 
If we have been thorough about our personal inventory, we have written down a lot.
 

 

 

 
Chapter 5. HOW IT WORKS page 71
 
If you have already made a decision, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you have made a good beginning.

 

 

 

 
Chapter 6. INTO ACTION page 72
 
Having made our personal inventory, what shall we do about it?
 

 

 

 
Chapter 6. INTO ACTION page 72
 
We have admitted certain defects; we have ascertained in a rough way what the trouble is; we have put our finger on the weak times in our personal inventory.
 

 

 

 
Chapter 6. INTO ACTION page 73
 
They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock.
 

 

 

 
Chapter 6. INTO ACTION page 75
 
We have a written inventory and we are prepared for a long talk.
 

 

 

 
Chapter 6. INTO ACTION page 76
 
We made it when we took inventory.

 

 

 

 
Chapter 6. INTO ACTION page 84
 
This thought brings us to Step Ten , which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. <hr />

Montyman

08-24-2007, 02:31 PM

Because the problem of the alcoholic centers in the mind and because we have to be rid of our old ideas and thinking about many things, I have found great comfort and growth in working the Steps around different issues in my life. Right now I am working them on my dysfunctional issues with money.
I thought you might be interested in tuning into one of my shows called "The Carol Ann Preston Show, On Relationships"
The last couple of Saturdays we have been going through the 4th Step Sex inventory. It sure helped me. In fact it even related to my money issues. You can click on the banner now to listen to last weeks show. Which has to do with "Their Part" The people who violated us. This Saturday (tomorrow) is the second part of that "What Was Our Part?"
This is extremely healing.
Click on the banner to tune in. Later I will have part 2 up and running, then check out our other recovery shows as well.
Serenity for You All.
~Monty'man:1:
http://www.sponsortosponsor.com/khlt_Saturday.gif (http://www.urs.homestead.com/saturday.html)
Keep applying and implementing the Steps in your life and God will be able to fill all the rooms in your heart!:D

fibiray

08-24-2007, 07:37 PM

Most people when the first come into aa are confronted with a dilemma over the god issue but for me this was not the case. I had a dilemma over the inventory issue. I looked at the 4th step and thought no way. Why do you think that I drink, it is so that I can deaden my conscience. At least so I thought. I feared step 4 more than anything else in the world. Today however, instead of running away from it I run to it because I have learnt so much about myself and my past from it. They step 4 is for dealing with the wreckage of the past, and step 10 is the continued maintenance step. I tend to think that I will often be going back to step 4 in order to identify and heal situations. It has been an ongoing process and it is closely linked to steps 5.6.7 so to highlight defects of characters that at times can run amok and created problems in my life. I remember one young sober woman who has been in the program and yet done nothing about the steps say to me once, "god you are always critically analysising yourself." If that is what this is then so be it because I have reaped the benefit and this poor unfortunate has no clues as to how she affects people around her. thanks for letting me share.

Fi
xxx:smile:

McDaniel N.

09-15-2007, 03:32 PM

The forth step I have done was very very easy:eek:One day at Meeting I shared about the 4th step on how easy it has become. that I maybe doing something wrong or theres a catch,cause my DAD(God Bless his soul)told me thing dont come easy;life never easy.One OLDTIMER,told me that the reason I feel this way is because YOU ARE TRUE TO YOURSELF.YOU WANT WHAT WE HAVE.That I `m headed the good path towards recovery.Many people get scared because of past,and shoveling they have to do,and ASKING GOD FOR HELP.....SURENDERING:15:

to_thine_own_self_be_true

09-15-2007, 10:10 PM

Steps 1-3 are understood in 10, 11, and 12 at least for me. I came to find out that 10 is basically doing the same things that I did when working steps 4-9.

rockydeedee

09-15-2007, 11:29 PM

I just finished writing my 4th step. I told my sponsor I was ready to go over it, cause I could not write anymore and I feel like I am doing it wrong. She told me as long as I was honest there is no wrong way to do it. So we shall see...meeting her sometime this week.

Montauktammy

10-24-2007, 03:12 PM

If courage seems to be ‘the key’ to this Step for you and you define courage as risking failure in an uncertain enterprise, it may be a sign that you need more surrender. Feeling you are risking failure may indicate that you don’t really feel comfortable with your decision to turn your life and will over to the care of a loving Ultimate Authority. A closer examination should reveal that once we have made the decision to have God take care of us, we can look at life from the standpoint of someone who has new resources. No longer do we have to cling to our desperate ways and the brutalities that have helped us ‘get our way’ in the past. Today, we look at life differently. We find that the need for animosity and personal abrasiveness is unnecessary within the security of our new lives. Deceit and trickery are not honest tools of recovery. Some people associate the word ‘courage’ with going places they haven’t been before. This kind of courage is a key part of each of the Twelve Steps. It is a lack of fear and a result of our faith.

The courage to go ahead on faith is something that we need to write a Fourth Step. Without courage, we will never pick up the pen. It takes some of us a long time to gather enough courage to even sit down and pray to gain the willingness to do this Step. When we start writing this step, courage means putting aside our fears and writing about what we feel is moral and immoral in our personal character. Some of the things that we have shared in Fourth Steps are things that we would have sworn we would take to our graves. Through prayer and a lot of guidance, some of us feel a suspension of our inhibitions the majority of the time that we are writing our inventory. Our tendencies toward certain behaviors don't always go away but we learn to find different, less damaging ways to right our wrongs and meet our needs. This means that there will probably be much less confrontation or need to contend. Some say that the good sense to go forward with our recovery at this stage is much more than good sense. Many of us believe that there is a courageous feeling that results from stepping-out on our newly found faith for the first time.

We try to bear in mind that our Fourth Step will help us gain freedom in recovery - not our sponsor, our loved ones or anyone else can do this for us. We must remember the pain and miserable feelings that made us want to write in the first place. If we're not honest at this point, we're only creating future pain! When we have written honestly, we've surrendered for that moment. For many of us, that brings an incredible feeling of peace and healthy self-satisfaction. Feeling the repercussions of dishonesty is very painful and is uncomfortably similar to active addiction. The disease goes so deep inside almost any thought of complacency can destroy years of hard work. So many times in active addiction, we as addicts copped-out on our actions with much dishonesty. Now, in recovery, being responsible for our actions is something we must learn. The struggle of continuing to be dishonest in recovery can cause great pain. When we are in pain, giving-up seems to be the easy way out, but it only complicates our growth in recovery. One truth stays the same whether we are in pain or not we are addicts. We make mistakes and we must accept the consequences and learn to change. When we practice honesty, we can have the courage to change.

Some have said, "E-G-O means Easing God Out." Experience indicates that perhaps, ‘ego’ in recovery may simply be our personal sense of self, nothing more or less. It is healthy to develop and enjoy a positive sense of self. We also find a basis of identification with a greater sense of ‘being a part of’ that might have to do with our experience of having a relationship with God. This larger sense of self should help us be in accord with our personal selves rather than leading to the conflicts of our pasts. It might be an interesting exercise to consider how we could possibly function without an ego. With no ego, we would have no personal focal point. It should be fine with God and the universe if we like cottage cheese. If, on the other hand, we despise cottage cheese, that is fine also. Why should all people have the same tastes and preferences? So, in many ways, our differences flesh out our individual programs and breathe life into the general statements about what we have found in recovery. It would be a shame to have come so far on what we believed to be the path of spiritual progress only to find ourselves in the position of being the means to the ends of others.

Like with any process, once we reach a point of decision it is best to go forward in the manner prescribed, attempting to follow the road map left by others to the destination. Ours is a path where we don’t need to take detours or to explore side-passages. Working the Steps to the best of our human ability is enough with the help of a loving God to keep us on this pathway. Only when we have fully turned our life and will over to the care of the God of our understanding, can we expect to feel free enough to examine ourselves totally and without concern for finding fault within us. We know that the faults are there - we've always known. It just seemed easier for us to throw our lives away because we couldn't distinguish among all the contradictory things that seemed to be us. The last obstacle that addiction can throw in the path of the recovery process is that it may hurt or embarrass us! Today we move forward fearlessly while looking at our lives with joyous personal improvement in mind! Imagine that! Today, we know that we can survive being hurt or embarrassed.

The truth is that we'll continue to retain the parts of our personality that hurt and embarrasses us, in other words, our defects. Recalling our admission of pain from the First Step, the joy we felt from the Second Step, and the faith that we discovered in the Third Step, we’re ready to let go of those defects! They must go if we are to be happy. Taking stock of our personal characteristics is the beginning of the end for the idea that we cannot recover. Even when we find that we have started repeating things that we have on our list, we realize that our defects cannot go on forever. We have to be patient and continue doing something right by working the Steps. Writing it all down in black and white seems like a potential threat but actuality confirms what we may have suspected for a while: that our defects are absolutely limited and definitely changeable. We discover that our defects are merely the results of our best efforts to live without conscious contact. Most began at a period of our lives when we were at our worst. Clean and desirous of spiritual growth, we want to be free of all things that would hold us back, in spite of how familiar some pain can seem.

Moving through a series of growth experiences, we feel our accomplishments. We have all experienced a real feeling of being finished with certain things and our active addiction. Many have experienced the sensation of movement in recovery. We have gone from feeling like a newcomer and sick, to feeling not so new and still sick, and finally being an old-timer and knowing that we are still sick. What we learn from this process is to be there for one another and that not one of us has all the answers except the God of our understanding. That's why we work the Steps. It was a turning point for many of us to accept that the word ‘moral’ even could or did apply to us. We thought ourselves permanently immoral. We feel that we have to guard against wounds of the heart because they are amongst the hardest to heal. These wounds have to do with our addiction-distorted sense of right and wrong. If we feel that an unrighted wrong exists in our life, we experience the wildest urges to ‘correct the error’. If we can’t avenge ourselves, we risk going into depression and other self-destructive behavior. We must remain vigilant lest we begin to excuse the most basic lapses in our recovery because that quickly leads to a general breakdown. We addicts tend to wear our hearts on our sleeves and would do well to walk with a little more dignity, especially if we want others to take us seriously.

An addict recalls, "While riding in my car to an NA meeting Saturday night, a thought hit me: ‘I have no reason to go on living.’ With two years clean, I had reached a state of complete spiritual bankruptcy. I needed help desperately. My actions resembled those of a dying person. And the Fellowship of NA, upon whom my life depended, knew nothing of this. All they knew was the Greg, who dressed nice, always came to meetings, had a good job and always had a smile on his face. I was a lie.

"Honesty is necessary for my survival. The truth is that I am powerless and I am very scared. I do not know how to live and I need a lot of help. I need to learn how to be a human being, how to live life on life's terms.

"My latest realization about honesty is that I do it for myself. It is no longer okay for me to jerk myself around. It is not okay just because no one else knows. Taking an action that is not okay with me, that does not jibe with my spiritual beliefs, is blatant self-manipulation. I use myself when I do this. I do not practice these spiritual principles so others will look upon me as a glowing example of humanity.

"I have lived that way. Presenting myself as the model of successful recovery and then going home to gorge on food, purge myself, kick the cats, beat myself up, isolate, dwell on the negative and basically mentally masturbate. This used to be satisfactory as long as no one but me knew but I work and practice these spiritual principles so that I do not have to live this way. Although I love and need you all as long as I am only within myself, I do not really care what others think. What a change!"

The word 'moral' describes a sense of correctness or completeness that allows us to perceive beauty. The way we keep score is the least of our problems. Morality has to do with balance and fairness, things about which most addicts claim to care. Nevertheless, we have some trouble living up to the standards we set when we are safely criticizing another person. Sometimes it can help to work on our inventory or at least look at it during some point in our day when we feel especially awake. Our attention can be sharp or poorly focused. WE want to evaluate our own moral character, not our parents or our sponsors. How well we are doing with living is based on standards in terms of the God of our understanding. We set aside our fear of acceptance by our fellows and honestly look at our moral worth. The need to nurture ourselves may be the last feeling to hit us before we sit down and write out our Fourth Step. This need can surmount the terror that always held us back. Desperation kept us coming back but we needed more at this point to fuel our efforts to recover. If we delay too long, it will come down to a life and death struggle again. When we look at this Step as nurturing, surrendering to the Fourth Step can feel safe and warm.

One addict’s reflection on wants: "I want what has been showing itself in the lives of others. I feel as there is a freedom from my fears that cannot be obtained by doing the necessary footwork. Peace of mind and serenity that I long for is available by examining all of my assets and deficits. I have tried to avoid this Step and for a while, I was able to maintain but I have reached a point where I know in my heart it is time to continue my journey of recovery. Some confusion exists between what is a need and what is a want. Americans regard needs as essentials and therefore non-negotiable. Wants involve non-essentials that might be nice but never necessary. So Americans say, "You may not always get what you want, but you get what your need." In Canada, these words mean just the reverse. And in Canada, recovering people say, "You may not always get what you need but you get what you want." Still, addicts get them mixed up wherever they find themselves. As a key point in recovery, we find ourselves squandering our gifts on useless pursuits. Recovery is knowing what to do next. We can get this information from others and it may work for us. Setting goals is one way we can benefit from healthy interaction with others. Some people believe it is more important to have a plan than to reach the goals. It may be the beginning of personal responsibility."

Honesty takes effort on our part. Years of conditioning make us fear discovery and judgment when we commit to paper the exact nature of our wrongs. This paper should be hidden and guarded against someone finding things written down that could go against us in a courtroom, or in certain personal issues. Anyone working this Step should take care to guard their inventory if it contains anything that could be upsetting or harmful to others. Another reason may be to assure ourselves privacy. We generally will not give ourselves permission to express these things without holding back if we have concerns over who will read it. Fear of honesty places many reservations in our program. Not knowing ‘how to be honest’ was easier than ‘wanting to learn how to be honest’. Running from ourselves and our pain placed a great barrier between us and being honest. Despite many years of clean time, we may find ourselves being dishonest on a daily basis and wanting desperately to run again. At the same time, we may desperately want to practice rigorous honesty. The basics are the starting point. Admission of dishonesty is the pressure release valve. Actual practice of honesty is the freedom.

The fear we have of the truth is similar to the fear many of us have of our Higher Power. It's important to save our written Fourth Step materials even if we don't think it is good, helpful or honest at the time. Even if it is just another dry layer, it still helps us peel back our shells and peek inside. Most of us agree that the disease of addiction tries everything it can to get us to continue or resume our self-destructive behaviors. Our disease rears its head in many ways that confuse or frustrate us when we need or want to write the Fourth Step. We fight back by praying often for the clarity and direction to write. If we remain open-minded, the honesty is revealed to us. One other way we can keep ourselves honest when we write is to review what we wrote on other days. Another way is to pray to have strength to be honest every time we sit down to write.

Not using drugs and no longer having a crutch is a major change for most of us. How many times in the past have we rationalized away our behavior with the reply, "Oh well, I was stoned. I really didn't mean that." Without drugs, we still find ourselves doing things we don't want to, but now the crutch is gone. Now, recovery must begin. The desire to try new ideas and change the things we do is real. We can't be perfect, but as long as we honestly try, a change in personality is bound to happen. Major change is something we feel when we start working the Steps. Change is the key ingredient to living an honest and better life. Without the fearfulness to hold us back, we can see where some of our defects can become assets when toned down and brought into balance with the rest of our lives. Getting real about ourselves is necessary to find out what we would like to change and what we would like to keep. Our blindness and deafness allowed us to survive the part of our lives where we had no way to change or get better in terms that mattered to us. This is a crucial part of the paradox of spiritual growth: that we give over our will only to receive what we really wanted all along. It is how we find ourselves. Thinking that it was different for us only kept us sick. Thinking that God’s will was an unattainable or impractical goal only glued us more tightly to our pain. Truthfully, almost all of us were afraid to take a closer look at ourselves. We already felt badly enough and closer examination threatened to only bring more pain, shame and guilt. Now, with our desire to be free, we discover just what it is that had bothered us in this Step and begin to move toward being free of it.

Embarking on the Fourth Step with a spirit of willingness was the first glimpse that many of us had of the possibility of a personal major change. Our reluctance towards change overcame the strong fear of using again. For the very first time, self-examination became a reasonable possibility. The pain of living in our old patterns was no longer feasible. Just before the Fourth Step, many have found it helpful to stand in front of a mirror and realize that we are looking at our shell. We may have some difficulty in looking ourselves in the eyes. We may have become a non-entity - a person who has lost touch with their inner selves. We felt like we were poised on the edge with our feelings entrapped. We were at a turning point in our recovery: to take the leap of faith and change or return to hell. We may have felt as though our spirit wanted to emerge, but we didn't know how to let it. The Fourth Step provides a release and gives us the potential to change. Taking a fearless moral inventory of a bankrupt spirit is a miracle in progress. For many of us, it was at once both a demolition as well as a construction zone. The inspection and removal of the way we used to be was the demolition of the creature I was and the construction is the emergence of the person I am to become.

Instinctual needs are part of our humanity. Yet, humanity has always had a hard time coming to terms with instincts as if they were unnecessarily animalistic or embarrassing. Instincts are a problem only if they conflict with other important needs. In a way, all of our needs are instinctual. Our thirst for knowledge is at times, as strong as our need for food or rest. Balancing and becoming adept in meeting our needs without creating conflicts either with others or within ourselves is the basic idea. As our addiction subsides, our freedom to be with others increases. Freedom involves responsibility and this includes being considerate of the other people in our lives. We are each obliged to meet our instinctive needs. Defects of character make this obligation difficult and most of the time, we go lacking. Our behavior is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. It is a sign of just how well we are working our program. By working a Fourth Step, we are getting rid of all of the negative feelings that have kept us living in the wreckage of our past that are reflected in our negative behavior towards ourselves and others. If we don't go ahead and work a Fourth Step after working the Third Step, we can easily fall back into the negative behavior patterns that our disease dictates to us. When we fall back into that self-centered type of behavior, we can once again begin to blame everyone and everything else for our misery.

Actions that we take without thought or consideration should be workable, otherwise we should try to eliminate of these reflexive responses. If we are prone to anger whenever someone disagrees with us, even if the area of disagreement is trivial, we may make the mistake of viewing this anger as something inconsequential in our inventory. It may stem from something in our childhood or during our active addiction. Because of our seemingly inability to focus our minds easily, it became easier to hide behind anger or hostility that put others off-balance and seems to get us what we need at the time. Today, clean and without that level of desperation in our lives, we find these once somewhat functional angers merely irritating. We learn that anger is no threat without the capacity to carry through on our threats. Most of us are unwilling today to do the things we would have done to other people during our active addiction. We might have a reflexive instinct to give-in to the demands of others that is an equally inappropriate behavior in our new lives. That's why inventory is between us and our Higher Power. We each have to find our own areas of balance. Meeting our real needs leads to fulfilling ourselves. It is the opposite state from always being in want. Recovery might be described as the process of ‘adapting to plenty’. We will never finish this process because the nature of life is to move on to new things. But when we live fully, we don't repeat the past endlessly. Allowing useless defense mechanisms to rule our habit patterns is reliving the worst things that happened to us.

Bondage describes exactly the state in which some of us coming into recovery had been living. We come in feeling so bound-up with guilt, shame and being terminally different in our minds because of the things we had done. We were not only bound by the things that we had done but the things that we were still doing, wanted to do, and thought we needed to do. Many times our bondage issues are sexually related and we may wake-up, scared that we might not be able to stay clean or find recovery. Our days, weeks or months of clean time might seem like an illusion and we feel that no matter how long we stay clean we will eventually use again. We feel so helpless. Because of our desire for recovery, we may see how our behavior and needs are as much or more of our disease than the using. We begin to identify addiction, as we understand it in NA. This lack of understanding kept us in active addiction because it prevented us from admitting and accepting that we were indeed addicts. Denial kept us from surrendering and without complete surrender; we could not begin to recover. Denial enabled us to believe that everything was okay no matter how hard it really was. While we were in deep denial, we could continue to live in the fantasy that our disease allowed us to create. The Fourth Step has made us take a good look at ourselves and accept that we are addicts.

Besides all the fear that we may have felt at this point, we knew that we needed to get to a meeting, share, and ask for help. We knew that we needed to open up about our secrets as well. Recent understandings of fears may be weak compared to lifelong fears and limitations. It takes real courage to overcome the effects of a harsh and deprived childhood. Although determined that we would never tell another soul, desperation gave us courage. Finding others, who don't reject us, encourages us to go further into the recovery process by writing out our feelings about things. If we can get at what's been bothering us, we may get free of it as well. While many complain about the embarrassment and guilt they felt while working a Fourth Step, some of our members share a quite different experience. They feel they are lightening up as they write about what has been troubling them, often without having let themselves share any of it with another human being. We can become so used to pain that we come to rely on it. We have adapted to being continuously hurt. Beyond shoddy living habits, poor mental conditioning and spiritual restriction, some of us go out of our way to create and maintain pain-producing structures in our daily lives. We all encounter situations at work or in our social lives where we dare not express ourselves. Some actually enjoy the tokens of bondage and use them to tease and challenge the spirit that dwells in each of us. We are free to go on with life if we wish - other people have other chains. If these things chain us to the past and prevent growth, they are probably part of the general enslavement of our addiction.

One addict relates, "Any confidence that I experienced while using was false. Until the fog lifted and feeling became possible, I could not embrace the experiences that breed confidence. Once the drugs were gone, I was open to walk through experiences and feel them. When more encounters occurred, both positive and negative, a basis for confidence grew. God's will: To me, God's will is very simple and straightforward. He wants all good for all creatures. Man is the only creature given the freedom of choice and we must use this wisely. If we don't, we suffer greatly."

Through study, application, and experience any sincere person can discover and begin to live God's will for themselves in the Twelve Steps of NA. The further we are from God, the more God seems to be our enemy. The closer we come to God, the more we realize God was our only true friend all along. We addicts have been known to complain and whine that we're just not getting it when it comes to spiritual growth. We may need to remind ourselves seriously that it is up to each one of us to give our permission for God to come into our life. We know that the flow of spiritual energy is restricted – not because it doesn’t come to us but because we refuse to act and pass it on to others. In this sense, we need to feel the sensation of personal liberty and the curiosity to allow this passage of spiritual energy without worrying that it will get away from us.

The miracle of sponsorship provides us with the ability to listen and be heard perhaps for the first time in our lives. We are no longer invisible or inaudible. Eventually, someone else asks us to sponsor them and a new confidence is born - quite often in spite of ourselves. We become someone with whom people can share and we are part of a circle of friends. Positive reinforcement in recovery can come in the form of people loving us first and teaching us to love ourselves like they do. Ideas in our head made sense for the first time. Service in NA in an invaluable source of confidence building, like other experiences clean. Only reading and talking about it is half-stepping. We have to step out and do things for ourselves to build up our confidence. Making a point, arguing, disagreeing, taking a stand and being passionate about issues have enabled us to have confidence. Being courageous, willing to change and getting past the doubts we harbor are all part of the process. There is no equal for commitment and personal involvement in gaining confidence for the first time. It is precious and personal. No one can take it away from us. A spirit is being born that cannot be broken. Writing a Fourth Step on our journey is necessary for building confidence. We become willing to rid ourselves of old patterns and to try a new way of life.

Real ability and confidence take the place of false pride and egotism when we stop dodging the fact that we are insufficient in some areas and begin to learn and grow in our abilities. The ability to understand along with applying that understanding in some useful way is greater than any possession that simply represents the results of our ability. Possessions get old and take more and more energy to maintain. Ability is how we get more of what we want when our minds clear and our passions subside. The Fourth Step is not as big of a deal as those who have not worked it make it out to be. Think of the relief that comes from being able to do things we have previously been unable to do, rather than the short-term discomfort of removing obstacles to our happiness. Like it or not, we all pay a heavy toll for our defects. The price we have to pay is less and what we get is more desirable as we discover that we are less defective. One of the tactics our disease utilizes is the idea that somehow dealing with our shortcomings is going to take more out of us or hurt us more than staying in our damaged condition.

Our desire for recovery makes our voluntary efforts to help locate defects and turn ‘off’ the inhibitions that keep them hidden from view. If an outsider even suggested that we had the very same defects, we would switch instantly into denial. We may have shielded ourselves so long that we are in a perpetual state of shock over some past pain. This shock has so imbedded itself in our lives that it doesn't occur to us to change, much less that we are free to do so whenever we want. Nothing else could make us feel so open. It is self-destructive to ignore or nullify our gifts and personal advantages, especially when we feel overwhelmed with good things in our lives. We addicts are so ingenious when it comes to breaking-up the miracles that God so patiently sets in our paths. It’s not our enemies or disgruntled friend that we need protection from, it is our own personal limitations, bad thought processes and out-dated living habits. Nature has fostered and sustained life on this planet for a long time. No matter what our religious belief or orientation, we should be able to grasp the concept of getting along with nature.

As one addict shares, "The most difficult aspect of practicing rigorous honesty is overcoming the fear of exposure that such honesty brings. When I am being totally honest with myself, I become aware of aspects of myself that are uncomfortable. Honesty also brings a fear of rejection.

"I think about how others may perceive me, or if they will judge me. Honesty and vulnerability go hand in hand. I cannot do one without the other. Usually when I am dishonest it is because my will is in control. I often wonder about the difference between being totally honest and being totally self-justified. It is easy for me to justify my dishonesty except when I know on some level what is going on. When I am honest, I gain a great freedom because I know that I are not pretending or hiding any aspect of myself.

"To many of us recovery is about to facing ourselves, no matter how frightening that may be. My experience has been that people who are not in a recovery program are very uncomfortable with honest people. I, like most recovering addicts, find that honesty is easiest to practice in meetings. With spiritual growth comes the ability to practice spiritual principles in all my affairs. It is other recovering addicts who give me the courage and faith to be honest with myself."

It may be that defense mechanisms and avoidance-behavior are the worst offenders of personal freedom. They reduce what we can say and do. We can set goals for ourselves with only the promise that some past pain will not repeat itself. It is important to examine some of our basic assumptions about life in our inventories because we may otherwise be tricking ourselves. An apparently unwritten law of nature would seem to be that if you criticize you friend, he may correct himself and if you’re very lucky, he may forgive you. So, if we are to get better, it is better to inventory ourselves, even if we do so harshly than to wait for someone to point out our flaws. If the criticism comes from an enemy, our disease tells us to ignore it because its only purpose is to hurt us. If it comes from a friend, we feel crushed and our disease tells us that it is betrayal. If it comes from a stranger, our disease says, "What do they know, they are uninformed." It is a logical conclusion that if it comes from us, we may need to look at it.

craig

10-24-2007, 07:02 PM

The 30 paragraphs previously written,reminded me of the thoroughness of the lengthy list of my character defects. I had so much fear of myself and fear of people,places and things(universe)that I procrastinated and postphoned my fourth step 'til the fourteenth year in recovery. People pay dearly, and some die, by skimping on the fourth and fifth step.