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01-13-2008, 04:46 PM
Beginner's Meeting: Listening and Learning
A newcomer gets sober one phrase at a time
When I was counting days, I heard a lot of slogans, phrases, and suggestions that didn't make sense to me but are now indispensable bits of wisdom that aid in my staying sober. Here are a few of them:
"There are only two things you need to know about a Higher Power: 1) That there is a power greater than yourself, and 2) You aren't it!" This was a tough one for me. I didn't think I was playing God; I was just trying to "get it together," and that meant I had to control a thing or two.
To help me get over the control hump, AAs said: "When you turn it over, don't forget to let it go, or you'll be hanging upside-down, holding on." Along with that was: "When you get to the end of your rope, let go. God will catch you." This was pretty tough for somebody who didn't believe in God or a Higher Power. I asked my sponsor how he could believe in this claptrap, and he asked me if I could control my drinking. I allowed that I couldn't control it, and he asked me if booze wasn't more powerful than I. Yes, I agreed. Alcohol was more powerful than my will, and therefore it was a power greater than myself. This left me wide open, so he asked if I could believe that there might be some benevolent power, greater than myself, that I could put my faith in.
So, I began to have faith in door knobs. He didn't care what it was, just so long as it wasn't me, and that I attempted to imagine a loving, benevolent Higher Power to which I could turn over my life. That first attempt at having a positive power, greater than myself, has continued to expand through the years. Today, I believe that I have always had faith -- sometimes negative, but faith nonetheless. At first, I had faith that everything was going to get messed up in my life, that the world was out to get me, and that I was screwed from the beginning. This faith, combined with the faith that booze would make things better, served me well -- for a while. Whenever I was proven right about the rotten state of affairs, I got to drinking and believing in the power of alcohol.
My sponsor was very devious about this belief mechanism. I often argued that maybe there wasn't a Higher Power -- it was all a hoax. He suggested that I retire from the debating society and act as if there were a loving God out there. He told me that I was intelligent, that I'd come to the conclusion that there was no God, and that my belief in a lack of a Higher Power was proved every day.
But, he said, "If you believed there was a loving God and you acted as if there were one, your life would be much different. And if, at the end of your life, having believed in a power greater than yourself, you found that there was none, would you care? You'd have lived a full, happy life, believing in a fictitious God, but what would it matter if it wasn't true? You would have had a happy life anyway." I couldn't argue with that, and it gave me a kind of con-artist hope that I could put one over on this cold world. Then he encouraged me to put one over on myself, as well. "Acting As If" has served me well because it gets me "Into Action."
"Keep the Focus on Yourself" was one saying I couldn't grasp for a long time. It was similar to "It's None of Your Business What People Think of You." As difficult as this was to understand, it helped me to see that if I quit worrying about my reputation, I could spend that energy on becoming who I was supposed to be -- in God's eyes. By keeping the focus on myself, I quit playing God and, therefore, diminished my judgment of others. There's a phrase in the Big Book that says that an alcoholic is not qualified to judge anybody, and that, too, is liberating. If I can get myself to see that I'm not qualified to judge, then I can leave that job to my Higher Power and get back to being me.
"To Thine Own Self Be True" had me stumped. I thought I'd been true to myself when I was selfishly going after whatever I wanted when I drank. But I was being true to my alcoholism, not myself. As I did the Steps, and I got past the Fifth Step, I began to see that if I could accept myself as I was, I could then allow myself to be me. By not violating myself with booze and destructive behavior, I saw that I could do the things I'd always wanted to do but felt unworthy, unqualified, and too scared to try.
I would also hear: "If you want to know how youÕre doing, ask your sponsor." I wondered what kind of idiot came up with that. I figured there was a subgroup of AA using it as a tool to get me to relinquish control over my life. How would a sponsor know how I was doing? I got upset at this, but AAs would patiently explain that I was inside the experience and unable to know how well I was doing.
In addition, I had little experience with doing things that weren't self-destructive. My sponsor spelled it out for me: "To build self-esteem, you have to do estimable acts." That was when I knew he was nuts, but he told me that building self-esteem was so foreign to me that I wouldn't know what it felt like.
So, every time that I did something different than I'd done before -- not lie, avoid a fi ght, let something go -- I'd feel awful. I would go to him, asking what was up. He would listen to me and then pronounce that I'd just done an estimable act, and that's why I felt like crap. Huh?
He explained that it was the exact opposite of my normal behavior and I didn't have a "sober reference" for it, so it was normal for me to feel uncomfortable. And that was why I had to ask my sponsor how I was doing -- I couldn't tell on my own.
There's a lot more that I learned as a newcomer -- things I still use today to fit myself to maximum service to my fellows. The basics work regardless of the amount of time anyone has sober. Alcoholism is relieved of its power when honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness combine within me to change my question from "Why?" to "How?" Then, I can get into the stream of life and out of my own way.
Nicholas Y., Penngrove, California
A newcomer gets sober one phrase at a time
When I was counting days, I heard a lot of slogans, phrases, and suggestions that didn't make sense to me but are now indispensable bits of wisdom that aid in my staying sober. Here are a few of them:
"There are only two things you need to know about a Higher Power: 1) That there is a power greater than yourself, and 2) You aren't it!" This was a tough one for me. I didn't think I was playing God; I was just trying to "get it together," and that meant I had to control a thing or two.
To help me get over the control hump, AAs said: "When you turn it over, don't forget to let it go, or you'll be hanging upside-down, holding on." Along with that was: "When you get to the end of your rope, let go. God will catch you." This was pretty tough for somebody who didn't believe in God or a Higher Power. I asked my sponsor how he could believe in this claptrap, and he asked me if I could control my drinking. I allowed that I couldn't control it, and he asked me if booze wasn't more powerful than I. Yes, I agreed. Alcohol was more powerful than my will, and therefore it was a power greater than myself. This left me wide open, so he asked if I could believe that there might be some benevolent power, greater than myself, that I could put my faith in.
So, I began to have faith in door knobs. He didn't care what it was, just so long as it wasn't me, and that I attempted to imagine a loving, benevolent Higher Power to which I could turn over my life. That first attempt at having a positive power, greater than myself, has continued to expand through the years. Today, I believe that I have always had faith -- sometimes negative, but faith nonetheless. At first, I had faith that everything was going to get messed up in my life, that the world was out to get me, and that I was screwed from the beginning. This faith, combined with the faith that booze would make things better, served me well -- for a while. Whenever I was proven right about the rotten state of affairs, I got to drinking and believing in the power of alcohol.
My sponsor was very devious about this belief mechanism. I often argued that maybe there wasn't a Higher Power -- it was all a hoax. He suggested that I retire from the debating society and act as if there were a loving God out there. He told me that I was intelligent, that I'd come to the conclusion that there was no God, and that my belief in a lack of a Higher Power was proved every day.
But, he said, "If you believed there was a loving God and you acted as if there were one, your life would be much different. And if, at the end of your life, having believed in a power greater than yourself, you found that there was none, would you care? You'd have lived a full, happy life, believing in a fictitious God, but what would it matter if it wasn't true? You would have had a happy life anyway." I couldn't argue with that, and it gave me a kind of con-artist hope that I could put one over on this cold world. Then he encouraged me to put one over on myself, as well. "Acting As If" has served me well because it gets me "Into Action."
"Keep the Focus on Yourself" was one saying I couldn't grasp for a long time. It was similar to "It's None of Your Business What People Think of You." As difficult as this was to understand, it helped me to see that if I quit worrying about my reputation, I could spend that energy on becoming who I was supposed to be -- in God's eyes. By keeping the focus on myself, I quit playing God and, therefore, diminished my judgment of others. There's a phrase in the Big Book that says that an alcoholic is not qualified to judge anybody, and that, too, is liberating. If I can get myself to see that I'm not qualified to judge, then I can leave that job to my Higher Power and get back to being me.
"To Thine Own Self Be True" had me stumped. I thought I'd been true to myself when I was selfishly going after whatever I wanted when I drank. But I was being true to my alcoholism, not myself. As I did the Steps, and I got past the Fifth Step, I began to see that if I could accept myself as I was, I could then allow myself to be me. By not violating myself with booze and destructive behavior, I saw that I could do the things I'd always wanted to do but felt unworthy, unqualified, and too scared to try.
I would also hear: "If you want to know how youÕre doing, ask your sponsor." I wondered what kind of idiot came up with that. I figured there was a subgroup of AA using it as a tool to get me to relinquish control over my life. How would a sponsor know how I was doing? I got upset at this, but AAs would patiently explain that I was inside the experience and unable to know how well I was doing.
In addition, I had little experience with doing things that weren't self-destructive. My sponsor spelled it out for me: "To build self-esteem, you have to do estimable acts." That was when I knew he was nuts, but he told me that building self-esteem was so foreign to me that I wouldn't know what it felt like.
So, every time that I did something different than I'd done before -- not lie, avoid a fi ght, let something go -- I'd feel awful. I would go to him, asking what was up. He would listen to me and then pronounce that I'd just done an estimable act, and that's why I felt like crap. Huh?
He explained that it was the exact opposite of my normal behavior and I didn't have a "sober reference" for it, so it was normal for me to feel uncomfortable. And that was why I had to ask my sponsor how I was doing -- I couldn't tell on my own.
There's a lot more that I learned as a newcomer -- things I still use today to fit myself to maximum service to my fellows. The basics work regardless of the amount of time anyone has sober. Alcoholism is relieved of its power when honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness combine within me to change my question from "Why?" to "How?" Then, I can get into the stream of life and out of my own way.
Nicholas Y., Penngrove, California