admin
06-19-2006, 07:28 AM
<b>flickchic</b> - Fri 24 Feb, 2006 7:25 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b>fear of feelings<hr class="sep" width="95%">
I wrote of "feeling" compassion, I've been expressing joy in my journey with regards to having connected with God, my soul parent, I found myself in limbo for a few days, at times - nothingness...I tried to just be in the moment...I don't like limbo, I've still been talking to God, not on such a personal level. I wrote an apologised to my ex for my past behaviour, he phoned, I apologised again. I'm home still this w/end from work, I was trying to find a way to pretend to all that I wasn't so that I wasn't expected to have the children....not because I didn't want to...because I wanted some me time....guilt is the feeling that became raw there......All these open feelings scared me so badly I shut some of me down, my partner flew home, nice... but I'm not being "me", being me is scary...me the sober me, I shared that sobriety isn't as scary as being in active addiction, well this bit is...."honest feelings", I've had trouble connecting with me, with God, with everyone, I was aware of this and aware of my guilt and lack of feeling however I still couldn't connect. Last night I we watched a movie, the last half hour was very sad, I felt that sadness, I actually cried...for the rest of the movie I had sat with a level of disinterest....my partner asked if I was ok, I lied, I said I was...again I guess this is about leaving "my comfort zone", it was all pretty overwhelming, I've been so happy, so full of love, when I first flattened out I tried to tell myself that this was just the see-saw trying to settle, that I'm not going to be "up there" all the time, that see-saw didn't settle in the middle though it went the other way...out of fear...I'm trying to let go and let God, to be easy on myself, my faith and trust in Him is still new, I really like being a happy me, and I know it reflects upon others in a healthy way, I know God likes me being happy and more balanced, and..honest...I think that scared me the most..the guilt I felt at what would have normally been only slight...for things that didn't seem huge or lies that I didn't think would hurt others (re the w/end), it hurt me though and I know it hurt God, I didn't lie, I had to be honest with the children...I've always felt dislike at myself for "making excuses", I played down my dishonesty to myself....no excuse, they are lies, it is me being dishonest....a "feeling" I really do not like at all....I cannot be happy and live in God's love if I am not going to be honest and true to others, because I'm not being honest and true to me or God. I'm sorry for my dishonesty, I'm sorry I sidestepped in my new journey of recovery, it has hurt me to be that way. Guilt is a terrbile feeling. I have asked for forgiveness, I will be true. The sun is shining, the birds are busy and the day looks delightful, thankyou for being here and letting me share, I feel an enormous burden lifted from my heart just now and for that I am so very grateful. The serenity prayer feels appropriate just now. I offer thanks for the opportunity to be here and in recovery. <img src="images/smiles/46.gif" alt="smile" border="0"> <hr>
<b>Clean42day</b> - Sat 04 Mar, 2006 2:00 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
I found that for myself the old me did not go quietly....it left kicking and screaming and leaving claw marks all over everything. My natural state was being numb, dishonest and telling myself lies. I did not want to feel and feared feelings because I never had coping skills to deal with them. my coping skills were to medicate feelings and alter my reality. It was a process of learning new skills and being willing to go through feelings to get to the other side of understanding them, honoring the real me and developing a new me. Being emotionally honest is not something that comes overnight....but if I am willing....it does get easier and more comfortable as I continue to practice being brutally honest with myself first, and then with others.
<br>
<br>
Eventaully by being diligent and persistant in being emotionally honest and verbally honest, and expressing my feelings as they came up.....what ended up happening is that I created a new comfort zone. Now I am uncomfortable when I am not emotionally honest with myself and others. Now I am out of my comfort zone when I am not being honestly me. and today it is very difficult and almost impossible for me to lie. I caught myself the other day in action almost telling a lie and it immediatly felt so screwed up inside,that I had to pause, stand there speechless, pull my own covers and tell the person I was talking to....."please excuse what I just said....it was not entirely the truth...the truth is........." and then proceeded to get completly honest.
<br>
<br>
That is when I realized that the principals of the program were really working my life.....I use to be a liar, cheat and a thief.....and now i can no longer do those things....and sit inside my own skin.
<br>
<br>
There is freedom on the other side of all these little processes we go through.....just like your signature says.....there is always a postivie for every negative......
<br>
<br>
I am so glad you are here and willing to share what you are going through.
<br>
<br>
be willing to go through it.....there are inner gifts on the other side!
<br>
<br>
and one of them is the freedom to be completly you and like, accept, and honor all that you are.
<br>
<br>
light and love
<br>
<br>
Gail <hr>
<b>flickchic</b> - Sat 04 Mar, 2006 7:16 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
The more I look Gail, the more I see how much of a liar I really was, it's a bit like when I realised how self focused I was...I would have never openly accepted that let alone owned up to it...I did know of course, however denial came easily...I have known I lied, of course I have, but I never really looked at how dishonest I really can be, with me, with others and with God. Procrastination is a biggy with me, I lie to be able to procrastinate, I make excuses as to why something wasn't done...to avoid the fact that I really didn't bother to get something done. I guess I was taught how to lie from a very early age....I lived in a lie, my family always put on a front for the public, for family, for friends...when we live in fear we live in lies...The more I be with God the more I want a clean concious, lying makes me feel so uncomfortable, I'd rather the feeling of displeasing someone than lying to them. the crux of it all now I feel is still fear, fear of disappointing others, I need to be honest with a girlfriend now, I haven't been completely honest with her re my partner and I resolving our conflict and renewing our r/ship, I told her we are ok, but still doing our own, well we are learning to "do our own" by way of personal space, however "we" are more than ok...I know it will dissappoint her, she was adamant I deserved better after he hit me again, and yes at the time I agreed with her, I have had much violence in my life in the past and she was a witness to the end of my last r/ship, after which time I was single for some time. I know she loves me and wants the best for me and mine, so I guess as dissappointed as she may be that I'm not leaving and going back to the city she'll love me all the more for being honest with her.
<br>
<br>
I am glad I am here also, thankyou for your share here it has helped me to further understand and take another honest step in my journey. <img src="images/smiles/tothineownself.gif" alt="to thine own self" border="0"> and to others! <hr>
<b>janbear</b> - Sat 04 Mar, 2006 7:18 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
<div align="center"><div class="codetitle">Quote:</div><div class="quotediv"> Being emotionally honest is not something that comes overnight....but if I am willing....it does get easier and more comfortable as I continue to practice being brutally honest with myself first, and then with others. </div></div>Well said, Gail. So true for me.
<br>
<br>
Easy does it, Felicity <hr>
<b>flickchic</b> - Sat 04 Mar, 2006 7:38 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
Something that jumped out at me when I re-read my response above; fear of dissappointing others, it really oughtn't matter that I am less than perfect, I have been a perfectionist in my mind for so long, do you think that may be from c/hood feelings of being so "wrong" in the eyes of my parents...well at least that's how it felt to me...I always felt they treated me the way they did because I was less than perfect, that I had so many faults, so many things they picked on..." make sure you behave in public", don't want others to see how you really are! " wer'e ashamed of what you do", my parents/family were always putting on a front, my father was a classic example of being an a.hole at home and yet so many people on the outside admired and praised him...what a false person he was..what a teacher I had. My mum, well she was just withdrawn in public for many many years, always in the background. She neglected to show her love for me as I grew older and approached puberty, she was disgusted with me when I began, they both were, they made me feel so dirty and ugly, even intellectually they failed to acknowledge my achievements after about the age of 10. To date I still feel like the outsider I have 3 siblings I haven't seen or spoken to in over 7 years, one lives 20mins away from me, however I know they live in lives of bigger lies than I have been, their denial is huge...
<br>
<br>
I have spent a lot of energy over the years trying to get my parents to accept me...to say they are proud of me, that I am not just a failure in their eyes, I don't want to be afraid of rejection from them any more, I want to believe that it doesn't matter what they think and feel, that's theri business, God sees that I am trying and that I have achieved a lot over the years, even through my addicitions, I have made many bad judgements, done many wrong things, however I have also learnt much and am growing to be a better person daily and without having gone through the down side I would not be where I am now, I am grateful for the experiences good and bad, they have and are allowing me to be a better teacher of life, to aid others who struggle with addicion, I have taken a lot of steps off track over the past years at the same time taken many more forwards, I guess bottom line here I need not fear feeling rejected any more, of being a dissapointment to others, as long as I love me and God and please God with my healing growth I will be fully accepted by Him for being me. What others think is their business and not up to me to try and change or prove myself. <hr>
<b>flickchic</b> - Sun 05 Mar, 2006 8:24 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
<div align="center"><div class="codetitle">Quote:</div><div class="quotediv">Easy does it, Felicity</div></div>
<br>
<br>
A good reminder...thankyou.
<b>Post subject: </b>fear of feelings<hr class="sep" width="95%">
I wrote of "feeling" compassion, I've been expressing joy in my journey with regards to having connected with God, my soul parent, I found myself in limbo for a few days, at times - nothingness...I tried to just be in the moment...I don't like limbo, I've still been talking to God, not on such a personal level. I wrote an apologised to my ex for my past behaviour, he phoned, I apologised again. I'm home still this w/end from work, I was trying to find a way to pretend to all that I wasn't so that I wasn't expected to have the children....not because I didn't want to...because I wanted some me time....guilt is the feeling that became raw there......All these open feelings scared me so badly I shut some of me down, my partner flew home, nice... but I'm not being "me", being me is scary...me the sober me, I shared that sobriety isn't as scary as being in active addiction, well this bit is...."honest feelings", I've had trouble connecting with me, with God, with everyone, I was aware of this and aware of my guilt and lack of feeling however I still couldn't connect. Last night I we watched a movie, the last half hour was very sad, I felt that sadness, I actually cried...for the rest of the movie I had sat with a level of disinterest....my partner asked if I was ok, I lied, I said I was...again I guess this is about leaving "my comfort zone", it was all pretty overwhelming, I've been so happy, so full of love, when I first flattened out I tried to tell myself that this was just the see-saw trying to settle, that I'm not going to be "up there" all the time, that see-saw didn't settle in the middle though it went the other way...out of fear...I'm trying to let go and let God, to be easy on myself, my faith and trust in Him is still new, I really like being a happy me, and I know it reflects upon others in a healthy way, I know God likes me being happy and more balanced, and..honest...I think that scared me the most..the guilt I felt at what would have normally been only slight...for things that didn't seem huge or lies that I didn't think would hurt others (re the w/end), it hurt me though and I know it hurt God, I didn't lie, I had to be honest with the children...I've always felt dislike at myself for "making excuses", I played down my dishonesty to myself....no excuse, they are lies, it is me being dishonest....a "feeling" I really do not like at all....I cannot be happy and live in God's love if I am not going to be honest and true to others, because I'm not being honest and true to me or God. I'm sorry for my dishonesty, I'm sorry I sidestepped in my new journey of recovery, it has hurt me to be that way. Guilt is a terrbile feeling. I have asked for forgiveness, I will be true. The sun is shining, the birds are busy and the day looks delightful, thankyou for being here and letting me share, I feel an enormous burden lifted from my heart just now and for that I am so very grateful. The serenity prayer feels appropriate just now. I offer thanks for the opportunity to be here and in recovery. <img src="images/smiles/46.gif" alt="smile" border="0"> <hr>
<b>Clean42day</b> - Sat 04 Mar, 2006 2:00 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
I found that for myself the old me did not go quietly....it left kicking and screaming and leaving claw marks all over everything. My natural state was being numb, dishonest and telling myself lies. I did not want to feel and feared feelings because I never had coping skills to deal with them. my coping skills were to medicate feelings and alter my reality. It was a process of learning new skills and being willing to go through feelings to get to the other side of understanding them, honoring the real me and developing a new me. Being emotionally honest is not something that comes overnight....but if I am willing....it does get easier and more comfortable as I continue to practice being brutally honest with myself first, and then with others.
<br>
<br>
Eventaully by being diligent and persistant in being emotionally honest and verbally honest, and expressing my feelings as they came up.....what ended up happening is that I created a new comfort zone. Now I am uncomfortable when I am not emotionally honest with myself and others. Now I am out of my comfort zone when I am not being honestly me. and today it is very difficult and almost impossible for me to lie. I caught myself the other day in action almost telling a lie and it immediatly felt so screwed up inside,that I had to pause, stand there speechless, pull my own covers and tell the person I was talking to....."please excuse what I just said....it was not entirely the truth...the truth is........." and then proceeded to get completly honest.
<br>
<br>
That is when I realized that the principals of the program were really working my life.....I use to be a liar, cheat and a thief.....and now i can no longer do those things....and sit inside my own skin.
<br>
<br>
There is freedom on the other side of all these little processes we go through.....just like your signature says.....there is always a postivie for every negative......
<br>
<br>
I am so glad you are here and willing to share what you are going through.
<br>
<br>
be willing to go through it.....there are inner gifts on the other side!
<br>
<br>
and one of them is the freedom to be completly you and like, accept, and honor all that you are.
<br>
<br>
light and love
<br>
<br>
Gail <hr>
<b>flickchic</b> - Sat 04 Mar, 2006 7:16 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
The more I look Gail, the more I see how much of a liar I really was, it's a bit like when I realised how self focused I was...I would have never openly accepted that let alone owned up to it...I did know of course, however denial came easily...I have known I lied, of course I have, but I never really looked at how dishonest I really can be, with me, with others and with God. Procrastination is a biggy with me, I lie to be able to procrastinate, I make excuses as to why something wasn't done...to avoid the fact that I really didn't bother to get something done. I guess I was taught how to lie from a very early age....I lived in a lie, my family always put on a front for the public, for family, for friends...when we live in fear we live in lies...The more I be with God the more I want a clean concious, lying makes me feel so uncomfortable, I'd rather the feeling of displeasing someone than lying to them. the crux of it all now I feel is still fear, fear of disappointing others, I need to be honest with a girlfriend now, I haven't been completely honest with her re my partner and I resolving our conflict and renewing our r/ship, I told her we are ok, but still doing our own, well we are learning to "do our own" by way of personal space, however "we" are more than ok...I know it will dissappoint her, she was adamant I deserved better after he hit me again, and yes at the time I agreed with her, I have had much violence in my life in the past and she was a witness to the end of my last r/ship, after which time I was single for some time. I know she loves me and wants the best for me and mine, so I guess as dissappointed as she may be that I'm not leaving and going back to the city she'll love me all the more for being honest with her.
<br>
<br>
I am glad I am here also, thankyou for your share here it has helped me to further understand and take another honest step in my journey. <img src="images/smiles/tothineownself.gif" alt="to thine own self" border="0"> and to others! <hr>
<b>janbear</b> - Sat 04 Mar, 2006 7:18 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
<div align="center"><div class="codetitle">Quote:</div><div class="quotediv"> Being emotionally honest is not something that comes overnight....but if I am willing....it does get easier and more comfortable as I continue to practice being brutally honest with myself first, and then with others. </div></div>Well said, Gail. So true for me.
<br>
<br>
Easy does it, Felicity <hr>
<b>flickchic</b> - Sat 04 Mar, 2006 7:38 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
Something that jumped out at me when I re-read my response above; fear of dissappointing others, it really oughtn't matter that I am less than perfect, I have been a perfectionist in my mind for so long, do you think that may be from c/hood feelings of being so "wrong" in the eyes of my parents...well at least that's how it felt to me...I always felt they treated me the way they did because I was less than perfect, that I had so many faults, so many things they picked on..." make sure you behave in public", don't want others to see how you really are! " wer'e ashamed of what you do", my parents/family were always putting on a front, my father was a classic example of being an a.hole at home and yet so many people on the outside admired and praised him...what a false person he was..what a teacher I had. My mum, well she was just withdrawn in public for many many years, always in the background. She neglected to show her love for me as I grew older and approached puberty, she was disgusted with me when I began, they both were, they made me feel so dirty and ugly, even intellectually they failed to acknowledge my achievements after about the age of 10. To date I still feel like the outsider I have 3 siblings I haven't seen or spoken to in over 7 years, one lives 20mins away from me, however I know they live in lives of bigger lies than I have been, their denial is huge...
<br>
<br>
I have spent a lot of energy over the years trying to get my parents to accept me...to say they are proud of me, that I am not just a failure in their eyes, I don't want to be afraid of rejection from them any more, I want to believe that it doesn't matter what they think and feel, that's theri business, God sees that I am trying and that I have achieved a lot over the years, even through my addicitions, I have made many bad judgements, done many wrong things, however I have also learnt much and am growing to be a better person daily and without having gone through the down side I would not be where I am now, I am grateful for the experiences good and bad, they have and are allowing me to be a better teacher of life, to aid others who struggle with addicion, I have taken a lot of steps off track over the past years at the same time taken many more forwards, I guess bottom line here I need not fear feeling rejected any more, of being a dissapointment to others, as long as I love me and God and please God with my healing growth I will be fully accepted by Him for being me. What others think is their business and not up to me to try and change or prove myself. <hr>
<b>flickchic</b> - Sun 05 Mar, 2006 8:24 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
<div align="center"><div class="codetitle">Quote:</div><div class="quotediv">Easy does it, Felicity</div></div>
<br>
<br>
A good reminder...thankyou.