Do you live with someone who is NOT in recovery?

[admin]

I am in recovery but my hubby is not. I am an alcoholic and drug addict. It can be trying at times living with someone who is not in recovery. My program really gets a workout at times at home. I am also in Alanon and Naranon. I work on keeping my side of the street clean and pray.

How is it for you being in recovery and the person you live with isn't?

[anniemac]

"How is it for you being in recovery and the person you live with isn't?"

Interesting, is how it is!

Not only is my husband not in recovery, but when I got sober he was still drinking a lot. He was my drinking buddy; we met in a bar, all of our dates included alcohol, we drank together every weekend and sometimes during the week, of our marriage for 19 years.

So, when I stopped drinking, there was a drastic shift in the dynamics of our relationship. I was sure that my husband was also an alcoholic and in need of AA. He thought otherwise.

Basically, we barely spoke for the first couple of years of my recovery. He slept on the couch, we talked about necessary things such as mortgage payments and our daughter, but had no life together. I focused on my recovery and my new life in AA, and he focused on not liking my recovery and my new life in AA.

At around 2 1/2 years sober, I retained a divorce lawyer and told my husband that I was going to start proceedings. To my huge surprise, he was shocked. He had no idea. He did not want to divorce, and just wanted the "old me" back.

We went to marriage counseling. I figured I'd just do it because it would look better to the court system if I had made every effort. And, my foundation in AA and my life of recovery and growth taught me to step up to the plate and do the right thing, whether I want to or not.

Where we're at now is, my husband rarely drinks. He does not drink at home at all and there is no alcohol in our home. He does not see himself as an alcoholic. I now see that he may very well be right, and that it was my need to point the finger elsewhere that labeled him as such. He may be the heavy drinker talked about in the BB, who once he had sufficient reason to stop, he did. The sufficient reason was our marriage. Now that he understands my disease, he fully supports my recovery.

However, it is still a challenge. The drinking is no longer an issue, but we are on different planes regarding spiritual and emotional growth. It can be frustrating to me, but I am realizing that again, I am looking to blame something external for my discontent. I need to keep the focus on myself and learn why I have such difficulty honoring our differences. He's a good man; he just doesn't do things my way, and sometimes that's a challenge! :blush:

I came across this reading earlier today and it so describes what I strive for in my marriage:

“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.”

-- Friedrich Nietzsche

We never have enough information to enable us to fully understand the truth of the reality around us. And there is never only one correct perspective about anything.

Knowing this helps me let go of my tendency to label things as good or bad. I suffer least when I can accept reality just as it is. And I benefit most when I open my heart and mind in appreciation.

“If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgment of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgment now.”

-- Marcus Aurelius

[admin]

Thanks alot for sharing ((((anniemac)))). It really helps hearing from others who are in similar situations. :42:

[sioux]

I could write volumes.

My hubby is alkie/drug addict too, and for years did not participate in a program of recovery. I have done it all to get him to do something. He wasn't using/drinking, but his disease manifested in other areas of his life that were equally if not more destructive.

Eventually I kicked him to the curb until he agreed to do something about his situation. IT was the first time many around him suggested the same thing, very strongly, if he wanted to keep his wife and kids. His insanity was in full force and effect.

Ultimately he ended up in crisis and went to meetings. He has been in meetings and working the program actively.

Now, I have a newcomer on my hands often, but it is better than the insanity.

Couple of things I really employed to preserve my own sanity were insisting he join me on the path of wellness; I wasn't going to walk hand-in-hand with him in his sickness. He got very lonely as alkies do.

The other thing was I would not fight with him. I became very decisive in the last year we were together under these conditions. I followed through.

I got a life too. I went on without him. More loneliness and despair for him. I was tired of living a life in isolation. I wouldn't accept invitations because he would mope, pout, and become socially retarded. Sabatoge it seemed, and I wasn't going to make excuses for his behavior. I went, often without him. More lonliness and despair for him, not for me.

Everyone gets to hit their own bottom. But what I know today is what I have always known...alkies don't know when it is time to go.

We are together today and it is monumentally better than I could have imainged. Maybe that's why I stayed because I didn't want to give up hope for him, us, our family.

But I promise you if he ever starts the dramatic nightmare again, we are going to be done. Boundaries are for me today. I won't go there with him.

Sioux

[anniemac]

Sioux, thanks for sharing. Me too, I do a lot of things without my husband. He is a bit "socially retarded" as well. I learned that I had choices - I did not need to miss out on life because he chooses to.

Bluidiki, is your husband a drinker, or a "normie"?

[anniemac]

Sorry - Bluidkiti, not Bluidiki. :blush:

[admin]

LOL @ anniemac That's ok. I have been called worse. :42: :11:

My hubby drinks and smokes pot. He "thinks" he is a normie but you should see how he acts if he has to go without the pot or alcohol or cigs. We went on vacation last July and he and some others were busy running around making sure they had pot to smoke and alcohol to drink while on vacation. I also don't smoke ciggies anymore and he and some others were worrying about where they could smoke. It really made me enjoy my freedom from alcohol, drugs and cigs watching them. No more chains for me. :1:

[Montauktammy]

I live with my Child who is 12 and thinks she know every thing including how I should run my recovery, I also ended a relationship a year ago with someone who was more than likely one of us but not in the rooms. I love my child but if she tells me one more time when I have to work my step work or how I should be acting I will blow my top. The other relationship I learned I could not be with some one who drinks, they don't have to be in the program but they can't drink or drug in my house. It is a shame really I was very much in love with the man who was not drinking when we 1rst started dating, but it did not take him long to start dirking every day. I also know how I was in a relationships before coming in the rooms. I don't think it helps much, but that is all I got
Love you Tam:eek: