In Mourning

[cryingout]

Greetings to all. I have been in a funk and really depressed for a while because it has finally hit me that I can never use again. I think about it all the time and using dreams are happening more frequently. Going to meetings seem to only increase the occurences and to be honest I feel like I've lost something that was apart of me. (Like a limb or something) Drinking and Using was all I knew. Now I am afraid. I don't know what else to do with my life. I have decided to go into outpatient treatment to address my addiction. I'm even afraid of that. I know that if I use again that I will lose everything. I always lose something when I use. I feel like my brain is wired wrong compared to the rest of normal society and its pretty hard not to feel like there is something else seriously wrong with me. Has ANYONE ever had this experience? Maybe my addiction is calling me and I'm just too afraid to answer. I really need some help. Thanks to all.

[admin]

Hey cryingout, You are not alone in your feelings. I remember in the beginning how I felt when I realized I could never drink again. Alcohol was my buddy - my lover. I have heard said it is better to look at it as I intend to not drink/use again. I won't drink/use today - this 24 hours instead of thinking about never drinking/using again ever. Just for today - this 24 hours - I can do that. We did whatever it took to get our alcohol/fix. We do whatever it takes to get sober/clean and to stay that way - one day at a time. Please continue to come and share with us. We are here for you. :42:

[peajaye]

Hi Cryingout, I want to tell you that I too, was overwhelmed with the idea of giving up my whole life as I knew it. Using was my whole world. My ultimate priority in life was getting, protecting my supply then using and getting more and more and more. There was no end. Like Tammy said, all any of us can muster at one time is just for today. I don't think in terms of NEVER using again, but I choose to not use today.

I can remember early on actually telling myself okay, if I still feel like this tomorrow, I'll get sh*tfaced. Tomorrow would come and even if I felt badly still, I'd say the same thing again. Just don't use TODAY.

If I can get this thing, you can too. Going to out patient treatment is an excellent idea. I did a lot of treatment too. I learned a lot and received a good foundation for my sobriety. I hope that is what you find as well.

Hang in there, you'll make it. Keep sharing with us.

[sunshine31180]

Hey Cryingout, I absoulutly know how you feel. What I learned from out patient when I brought this subject up was that it is normal, and it is important to grieve the loss of your old life. It is important to go through the whole grieving prosses, being sad, angry, hurt, mad... and whatever else you need to feel. Then to accept that it is gone, and move forward, and keep moving forward. This is what helped me to let that life go and start a new and truly fulfilling one.
Thanks so much for sharing!!

[Humblepie]

I don't have any answers right now. I just want to tell you that you are not alone in the way you are thinking and feeling.

[Montauktammy]

Hi
I so identify with you when I had 30 days I went in to a meeting and blasted them all because they had f**ked up my using, well a lot of bumps along the way and many nights asking my self if it is all worth it. I could not find a good reason to go back out and believe me I tried. When I had 90 day my sponsor as me why I was in meetings and I told her the truth at the time I don't know, but what I do know is what I was doing before I came in the rooms was not working any more! I am in recovery now because I know that my old ways did not work and I know this works I have seen it work for me and others. So get mad, get sad, scream, stomp your feet, tell every one how you feel. The most important thing is KEEP COMING BACK ! It gets better, and then it gets different. Things go bad, things go good, but you have a gift today! Open it up!
Tammy:15:

[anniemac]

Hey cryingout ~

How are you doing today? As you can see by the other responses, you are certainly not the only one who has ever felt that way. I had actually made a whole list of why I couldn't stop using/drinking ~ I had so many reasons why I didn't want to let go of my addictions. However, eventually the pain outweighed the fear.

And you know what? I love my sober life so much, that if someone told me that there was a new med that would allow me to drink or drug without consequence, I still don't think I'd do it. The clarity I have, and the depth and richness of my life, are truly beyond my wildest dreams. I could have never imagined feeling this way inside, because I didn't even know that feeling this way was an option for anyone on this planet. Even on a bad day, when I'm sad or uncomfortable, I am so grateful that I am feeling my feelings and am alive and in touch with who I am; not numbing out and running away. Today I can stand up and face life head-on, and man does that feel excellent!!

[kaistevens]

I remember that feeling! The group I sobered up in was very small and everybody spoke, at the end of the meeting they asked to hear from me. I started crying and told them I felt like I just lost my best freind. They told me, "You have lost your best friend."

And never drinking or using again was way out of the question. I literally had to do it one day at a time. I would decide that I would do anything, ANYTHING I had to do, to not drink until the next meeting. Then I would do ANYTHING I had to do to not drink until I went to bed, and so on ....
I made an agreement with myself to do whatever it took ONE LITTLE PIECE AT A TIME.

Then one day, I realized that I wasn't having to make those deals with myself all the time anymore.

Just one little peice at a time. Keep coming back.

[JohnDaniels]

Welcome "cryingout". I just saw this thread today or I would have replied much sooner.

I too remember a terrible fear and a feeling that overwhelmed me during my first 6 months of being clean & sober.

I had so many new feelings that I had never really learned to deal with in my life. I didn't even know the names of many of those feelings. To make matters worse, I thought I was the only one who had them, which made me feel even lonelier than ever.

When it came right down to it, I was not afraid of not being able to ever drink or use again. The thing that I was really afraid of was not knowing how to face life as a clean and sober man.

I had always dealt with all my emotions including my fear, ESPECIALLY my fear, by covering it up with alcohol and anything else that would take me from there and put me somewhere else. I did that from the time I was a small boy until I sobered up and all it really did was retard my emotional development.

So I never did fully mature as a small boy the way my peers did. When I finally did sober up, I had the maturity level of a small boy and I was terrified of life.

I'd go to meetings and I'd hear everyone talk about how happy and wonderful their lives all were and that only made me feel even lonlier than ever. I did not feel the same way as the way they all described their feelings as being all wonderful and happy. I felt terrified inside. And what was worse, I thought I was the only one who had ever felt that way. I did not want to revert back into that daze though, so I stuck around, called my sponsor every day, prayed, worked the steps to the best of my capabilities at that time and really learned to take life "One Day at a Time".

Eventually I was not worried that I was an alcoholic the way some of the others said they were. I was beginning to wonder however about others in the group who claimed to be feeling so happy, I was beginning to wonder if THEY were even alcoholics because I certainly did not feel happy like they did.

The one thing that was like a milestone to me was learning this: "Fear will die of it's own weight if we step up to it". So I started facing all the things I was afraid of and that fear died of it's own weight. When my fears started dieing, I started learning what "hope" was. I started enjoying life to the point that I had no desire to run away from it anymore.

A time came when I was not at all afraid of being an alcoholic. That was a time when I was actually kind of afraid I might NOT be an alcoholic.

This thing is, as we hear read at the opening of every meeting, "Cunning, baffling and powerful". It has the power to convince us that we don't have a disease. Our mind can play tricks on us which the bottom line will be leading us back to alcohol or drugs. It can start little by little and I have seen it many times where a man or woman will talk themselves right back into drinking or using again and they don't even realize they are doing it. That is what is so cunning, baffling and powerful about our disease.

Best wishes to you my friend.

[thereishope]

Hello there cryingout
My name is corey and i also had the same problem. I have always used drugs and alchol from the age of 10 till i was 31 and i also was in kind of a mourning prossess for the only life i knew. I am now 35 and i have been clean and sober for 4yrs 5mon and 15 days.
The first year was really hard because i wasnt sure how to interact with others as a sober person because because i didnt even know what it was, but the more time that went on i realized i really liked the sober me and others did also. I realized that others liked me for who i was as a person and not how high i could get them or how drunk. I even really liked who i was becoming, it is the most amazing feeling to know that it is ok to be you. Just be a little more patient with yourself and stay and the sober path. I dont like to make promises but i will tell you i CAN PROMISE if you stick with soberity and learn somethings about your sober self I PROMISE THAT YOU WILL BE SO AMAZED AND THANKFUL THAT YOU STUCK WITH IT. I will keep you in my prayers.
As for the dreams they will also fade over time, for me i used to have alot of them too and now when i have the i am refusing drugs and alchol in my dreams but i dont have many dreams any more at all so that will also get better.
I wish you many many blessings on your recovery
your frien corey from utah AA CMA

[dragonflygrl]

Cryingout...first off you are not alone..and I think that message has been repeated often in the posts here. Second my friend..you are right where your suppose to be. The funniest thing when i think back about getting clean..I thought OMG my life is over. There will be no more fun for me! Little did I know that I was just beginning to live!! That I had no idea what fun was till I got here!!
Doing some outpaitient will be good for you...at least it was for me. It educated me even more in the disease and made me realize how many out there, there are! We are not alone!! And your right...we are not wired like "normal" people..but so what! Thats the stuff of life ...imagine if we were all the same...boooooring..lol. You are ok, we are here, and you will get thru this..if thats what YOU choose...hang in there. We are praying for you..:195:

[sandisue62]

crying out..I understand how you feel.Remember we are fear driven people.
my strength hope and experience...I kept coming back. sometimes 3 meetings a day.
I have learned to live in today. I can not consider tomorrow, if I do I rob myself of today, and that is all I have. I held on to every clean day as the precious gift that it was. This too shall pass. Today I don't worry that I can never use again. Today I rejoice, because I never HAVE to use again. Keep the Faith! I pray 4 U !!!.