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06-19-2006, 08:00 AM
<b>janbear</b> - Tue 28 Feb, 2006 9:15 am<br>
<b>Post subject: </b>Are you a People-Pleaser?<hr class="sep" width="95%">
Have you ever been around people pleasers? They tend to be displeasing. Being around someone who is turned inside out to please another is often irritating and anxiety producing.
<br>
People-pleasing is a behavior we may have adapted to survive in our family. We may not have been able to get the love and attention we deserved. We may not have been given permission to please ourselves, to trust ourselves, and to choose a course of action that demonstrated self-trust.
<br>
People pleasing can be overt or covert. We may run around fussing over others, chattering a mile a minute when what we are really saying is, "I hope I'm pleasing you." Or, we may be more covert, quietly going through life making important decisions based on pleasing others.
<br>
Taking other people's wants and needs into consideration is an important part of our relationships. We have responsibilities to friends and family and employers. We have a strong inner responsibility to be loving and caring. But, people pleasing backfires. Not only do others get annoyed with us, we often get annoyed when our efforts to please do not work as we planned. The most comfortable people to be around are those who are considerate of others but ultimately please themselves.
<br>
Help me, God, work through my fears and begin to please myself. <hr>
<b>janbear</b> - Tue 28 Feb, 2006 10:12 am<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
i guess i have been more of a covert people-pleaser. I am working on it though. What i really want is to be more of a God-pleaser. <hr>
<b>Baritone</b> - Tue 28 Feb, 2006 6:00 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
I've messed up relationships in the past by being focused on what i thought the other person wanted, and all i did was cause more upset. Today i try to concentrate on knowing and carrying out HP's will for me, and the (not!) surprising thing is that other people in my life are happier.
<br>
<br>
- Jim <hr>
<b>free2bunme</b> - Tue 28 Feb, 2006 6:14 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
<div align="center"><div class="codetitle">Quote:</div><div class="quotediv"> Or, we may be more covert, quietly going through life making important decisions based on pleasing others. </div></div> that's me...also quietly simmering that i "have" to live this way.... <hr>
<b>Clean42day</b> - Sat 04 Mar, 2006 1:38 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
All people pleasing ever did for me was keep me searching for my value, worth, and meaning in others. What a formula for failure. As thier opinions, needs, wants and desires changed....so did my self-worth, self-identity, and self-value. I never occured to me to please God and stay grounded in spiritual worth - that was an eye opener and when i made that my highest priority...... my life began to shift. And all the "other" pleaseing began to fall into place and become balanced. <hr>
<b>flickchic</b> - Sat 04 Mar, 2006 9:02 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
I am seeing that I am pleasing others by not forcing myself upon them, not pushing what "I" thought they needed to be pleased, the more i turn to God the happier I feel and that appears to be more pleasing to others than all of my past efforts!!! <hr>
<b>Misselle</b> - Sat 04 Mar, 2006 10:52 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
<span style="color: darkred;"><span style="font-family: Tahoma;">I was a covert people pleaser too - now I recognize that such behavior is manipulative (intentionally or no). It is like saying "I will do this, and in return you will like me, or make me a whole person, etc. etc. People do recognize that and it is uncomfortable.
<br>
<br>
My mother still does that - throws money, etc at you and then expects you to behave a certain way or to get something in return and if you don't, you are ungrateful, etc. Or she does it to demonstrate how wonderful she is and how much you don't deserve her. So annoying. She has hurt many relationships that way, and it wasn't until recently that I have begun to see that I was also acting that way.
<br>
<br>
She has started to recognize that I don't want to play the game anymore, and instead of giving me things or whatever, she has started picking on me for other things, like (disgustingly) my husband's disability and his inability to work, or my weight. Kind of grasping at straws. When I tell her (nicely, I love my mother very much) to butt out and that her comments are hurtful, then she turns on the tears and says I don't care about her opinion. Sigh. Oddly, it was this behavior that pushed me over the edge into not caring so much what others think.
<br>
<br>
Now my self-esteem isn't hinged upon the will of others, thankfully. I do care what those close to me think of me, but only to a certain extent. I refuse to let it run my life.</span></span> <hr>
<b>fibiray</b> - Thu 09 Mar, 2006 3:46 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
amen to that miselle. I tended to swing from overt to covert people pleasing. However primarily I was covert too. I had to do things or be a certain way in order to be liked or accepted. Having come from a similar homelife where i was rejected constantly I learnt very early to put on many masks for each occassion or situation. I was never true to myself. I also learnt this stemmed from a fear too as I also came from a violent home life and feared reprisal if I thought a certain way or acted a certain way. I carried this into my adulthood. I guess this explains why in my drinking that I became so self opinionated.
<br>
I too had a mother who threw money at me as a means of manipulating me however things were nver done equally n either with my brother gaining the entire family fortune in the end. today i don't care about this as I take the stand that this is all he got, while I found peace of mind.
<br>
I am so grateful to be free from my family today and slowly I am learning to have freedom of clear thinking <hr>
<b>Cassie</b> - Sun 23 Apr, 2006 10:59 am<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
<div align="center"><div class="codetitle">janbear wrote:</div><div class="quotediv">i guess i have been more of a covert people-pleaser. I am working on it though. What i really want is to be more of a God-pleaser.</div></div>
<br>
<br>
Amen to that, sister. <img src="images/smiles/15.gif" alt="pray" border="0">
<br>
<br>
My problem, at times, is that I tend to forget about others. I expect them to tell me <span style="font-family: Comic Sans MS;">up front </span>what they need. When they don't, I get confused. I can only be responsible for myself. At the other extreme, I have a tendency to "mother" people (as Janbear can probably attest now). So, if that bothers someone, I can accept it when they tell me and back off. I just get good feelings when I share in the happiness of others. We laughed a lot about my speech. I tell guests "after I show you where everything is - the first night, - YOYO. You are own your own!" lol
<br>
<br>
Thanks for letting me share. <img src="images/smiles/45.gif" alt="hug" border="0"> <hr>
<b>Doraine</b> - Mon 24 Apr, 2006 5:09 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
I came from a violently dysfunctional household but I don't think I learned people-pleasing. I chose the other extreme I'd rather be alone than people please. I do things now because it's the right thing to do.
<b>Post subject: </b>Are you a People-Pleaser?<hr class="sep" width="95%">
Have you ever been around people pleasers? They tend to be displeasing. Being around someone who is turned inside out to please another is often irritating and anxiety producing.
<br>
People-pleasing is a behavior we may have adapted to survive in our family. We may not have been able to get the love and attention we deserved. We may not have been given permission to please ourselves, to trust ourselves, and to choose a course of action that demonstrated self-trust.
<br>
People pleasing can be overt or covert. We may run around fussing over others, chattering a mile a minute when what we are really saying is, "I hope I'm pleasing you." Or, we may be more covert, quietly going through life making important decisions based on pleasing others.
<br>
Taking other people's wants and needs into consideration is an important part of our relationships. We have responsibilities to friends and family and employers. We have a strong inner responsibility to be loving and caring. But, people pleasing backfires. Not only do others get annoyed with us, we often get annoyed when our efforts to please do not work as we planned. The most comfortable people to be around are those who are considerate of others but ultimately please themselves.
<br>
Help me, God, work through my fears and begin to please myself. <hr>
<b>janbear</b> - Tue 28 Feb, 2006 10:12 am<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
i guess i have been more of a covert people-pleaser. I am working on it though. What i really want is to be more of a God-pleaser. <hr>
<b>Baritone</b> - Tue 28 Feb, 2006 6:00 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
I've messed up relationships in the past by being focused on what i thought the other person wanted, and all i did was cause more upset. Today i try to concentrate on knowing and carrying out HP's will for me, and the (not!) surprising thing is that other people in my life are happier.
<br>
<br>
- Jim <hr>
<b>free2bunme</b> - Tue 28 Feb, 2006 6:14 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
<div align="center"><div class="codetitle">Quote:</div><div class="quotediv"> Or, we may be more covert, quietly going through life making important decisions based on pleasing others. </div></div> that's me...also quietly simmering that i "have" to live this way.... <hr>
<b>Clean42day</b> - Sat 04 Mar, 2006 1:38 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
All people pleasing ever did for me was keep me searching for my value, worth, and meaning in others. What a formula for failure. As thier opinions, needs, wants and desires changed....so did my self-worth, self-identity, and self-value. I never occured to me to please God and stay grounded in spiritual worth - that was an eye opener and when i made that my highest priority...... my life began to shift. And all the "other" pleaseing began to fall into place and become balanced. <hr>
<b>flickchic</b> - Sat 04 Mar, 2006 9:02 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
I am seeing that I am pleasing others by not forcing myself upon them, not pushing what "I" thought they needed to be pleased, the more i turn to God the happier I feel and that appears to be more pleasing to others than all of my past efforts!!! <hr>
<b>Misselle</b> - Sat 04 Mar, 2006 10:52 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
<span style="color: darkred;"><span style="font-family: Tahoma;">I was a covert people pleaser too - now I recognize that such behavior is manipulative (intentionally or no). It is like saying "I will do this, and in return you will like me, or make me a whole person, etc. etc. People do recognize that and it is uncomfortable.
<br>
<br>
My mother still does that - throws money, etc at you and then expects you to behave a certain way or to get something in return and if you don't, you are ungrateful, etc. Or she does it to demonstrate how wonderful she is and how much you don't deserve her. So annoying. She has hurt many relationships that way, and it wasn't until recently that I have begun to see that I was also acting that way.
<br>
<br>
She has started to recognize that I don't want to play the game anymore, and instead of giving me things or whatever, she has started picking on me for other things, like (disgustingly) my husband's disability and his inability to work, or my weight. Kind of grasping at straws. When I tell her (nicely, I love my mother very much) to butt out and that her comments are hurtful, then she turns on the tears and says I don't care about her opinion. Sigh. Oddly, it was this behavior that pushed me over the edge into not caring so much what others think.
<br>
<br>
Now my self-esteem isn't hinged upon the will of others, thankfully. I do care what those close to me think of me, but only to a certain extent. I refuse to let it run my life.</span></span> <hr>
<b>fibiray</b> - Thu 09 Mar, 2006 3:46 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
amen to that miselle. I tended to swing from overt to covert people pleasing. However primarily I was covert too. I had to do things or be a certain way in order to be liked or accepted. Having come from a similar homelife where i was rejected constantly I learnt very early to put on many masks for each occassion or situation. I was never true to myself. I also learnt this stemmed from a fear too as I also came from a violent home life and feared reprisal if I thought a certain way or acted a certain way. I carried this into my adulthood. I guess this explains why in my drinking that I became so self opinionated.
<br>
I too had a mother who threw money at me as a means of manipulating me however things were nver done equally n either with my brother gaining the entire family fortune in the end. today i don't care about this as I take the stand that this is all he got, while I found peace of mind.
<br>
I am so grateful to be free from my family today and slowly I am learning to have freedom of clear thinking <hr>
<b>Cassie</b> - Sun 23 Apr, 2006 10:59 am<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
<div align="center"><div class="codetitle">janbear wrote:</div><div class="quotediv">i guess i have been more of a covert people-pleaser. I am working on it though. What i really want is to be more of a God-pleaser.</div></div>
<br>
<br>
Amen to that, sister. <img src="images/smiles/15.gif" alt="pray" border="0">
<br>
<br>
My problem, at times, is that I tend to forget about others. I expect them to tell me <span style="font-family: Comic Sans MS;">up front </span>what they need. When they don't, I get confused. I can only be responsible for myself. At the other extreme, I have a tendency to "mother" people (as Janbear can probably attest now). So, if that bothers someone, I can accept it when they tell me and back off. I just get good feelings when I share in the happiness of others. We laughed a lot about my speech. I tell guests "after I show you where everything is - the first night, - YOYO. You are own your own!" lol
<br>
<br>
Thanks for letting me share. <img src="images/smiles/45.gif" alt="hug" border="0"> <hr>
<b>Doraine</b> - Mon 24 Apr, 2006 5:09 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
I came from a violently dysfunctional household but I don't think I learned people-pleasing. I chose the other extreme I'd rather be alone than people please. I do things now because it's the right thing to do.