4me2B
01-29-2008, 07:25 AM
Call it knowledge or wisdom, as I grow in recovery God reveals more & more to me the more I dwell close to Him in meditation as I learn from step 11
1. ".... continuously improve conscious contact with God
2. praying only for
a. knowledge of His will for me
b. & the power to carry that out"
I came to understand, & continuously grow a peaceful submission that God doesn't always give me what I want, or when I want it. Today, my partial understanding of that is that HE WANTS TO BLESS ME WITH MUCH MORE THAN I COULD EVER IMAGINE.
My 12 step program by which I function & recover & grow & live nowadays is a typical example:
I negotiated so sincerely with God so many times what I would do if He kept me clean & dry. Even just for 1 day! I begged to be just normal & have my life back. In stead He knew better (beyond my wildest guess), & sent ex drunks & addicts with this simplified 12 step program .... something which only a tiny percentage of people (sick or not) have. With the help of sponsors & my psychologist they're drumming into me that I should not try to rebuild the old me (nor that life) as that's patch work & mostly not repairable ..... the frame of reference built since age 11 is not relevant to normality ..... we rather build a NEW being.
And I metaphorically see it as "just format this hard drive & reload the software" :-) That's a simple solution for a very complicated being, hey? Now I thank Him for giving me WHAT He wants for me!
Also, if I would have known only 5 years ago that only a year later I would've landed up between addicts & alcoholics, it would most probably have been a big enough excuse to commit suicide. The embarrassment of a possible association or being labeled as one as well ..... typical but weird that me as lost addict & alcoholic could've looked down on others!?
Daily I make peace that I should only be aware of the present & not see into the future. I would probably fear to death knowing what lies ahead, & not experience any serenity. And if He granted me my wish to be able to see into the future, why would I need faith?
When I hit rock-bottom & received the gift of recovery, I was in shatters & couldn't live without picking up, but could neither live with the chaos .... between the bottle & the label one could say? :-) I was so desperate to escape that insanity of "self-will run riot" & my addiction to chaos that I stopped negotiating with God & begged with all I had in me ..... "bare naked" & without any pretensions in His presence. Despite my past, that was the first time in my life I was ever truly humble & submissive. I surrendered. That was HIS TIME when I was ready to receive His mercy. At any other time I would most probably have regarded my recovery as something I earned through negotiating with Him.
Looking at the 12 steps now in retrospect, my life was completely disfunctional, abusing & misapplying God's intended purpose thereof completely. ABUSE can metaphorically be best described (in my mind) when one tries to use a writing pen as a center punch. To write with that instrument is what it was designed & manufactured to do, but as a punch .... no good & abusive. My life before recovery took the same detour of destruction en-route.
Today, while we're traveling this road on our journey-of-recovery, I'm constantly aware of "Is my will & my life handed over into His care (step 3), and am I living my intended purpose in accordance with His will (the Power Greater than me) as per step 11?"
I pray that your candle of recovery is burning.
I love you all dearly.
Thanx for being instrumental in saving my life!!
:42:
1. ".... continuously improve conscious contact with God
2. praying only for
a. knowledge of His will for me
b. & the power to carry that out"
I came to understand, & continuously grow a peaceful submission that God doesn't always give me what I want, or when I want it. Today, my partial understanding of that is that HE WANTS TO BLESS ME WITH MUCH MORE THAN I COULD EVER IMAGINE.
My 12 step program by which I function & recover & grow & live nowadays is a typical example:
I negotiated so sincerely with God so many times what I would do if He kept me clean & dry. Even just for 1 day! I begged to be just normal & have my life back. In stead He knew better (beyond my wildest guess), & sent ex drunks & addicts with this simplified 12 step program .... something which only a tiny percentage of people (sick or not) have. With the help of sponsors & my psychologist they're drumming into me that I should not try to rebuild the old me (nor that life) as that's patch work & mostly not repairable ..... the frame of reference built since age 11 is not relevant to normality ..... we rather build a NEW being.
And I metaphorically see it as "just format this hard drive & reload the software" :-) That's a simple solution for a very complicated being, hey? Now I thank Him for giving me WHAT He wants for me!
Also, if I would have known only 5 years ago that only a year later I would've landed up between addicts & alcoholics, it would most probably have been a big enough excuse to commit suicide. The embarrassment of a possible association or being labeled as one as well ..... typical but weird that me as lost addict & alcoholic could've looked down on others!?
Daily I make peace that I should only be aware of the present & not see into the future. I would probably fear to death knowing what lies ahead, & not experience any serenity. And if He granted me my wish to be able to see into the future, why would I need faith?
When I hit rock-bottom & received the gift of recovery, I was in shatters & couldn't live without picking up, but could neither live with the chaos .... between the bottle & the label one could say? :-) I was so desperate to escape that insanity of "self-will run riot" & my addiction to chaos that I stopped negotiating with God & begged with all I had in me ..... "bare naked" & without any pretensions in His presence. Despite my past, that was the first time in my life I was ever truly humble & submissive. I surrendered. That was HIS TIME when I was ready to receive His mercy. At any other time I would most probably have regarded my recovery as something I earned through negotiating with Him.
Looking at the 12 steps now in retrospect, my life was completely disfunctional, abusing & misapplying God's intended purpose thereof completely. ABUSE can metaphorically be best described (in my mind) when one tries to use a writing pen as a center punch. To write with that instrument is what it was designed & manufactured to do, but as a punch .... no good & abusive. My life before recovery took the same detour of destruction en-route.
Today, while we're traveling this road on our journey-of-recovery, I'm constantly aware of "Is my will & my life handed over into His care (step 3), and am I living my intended purpose in accordance with His will (the Power Greater than me) as per step 11?"
I pray that your candle of recovery is burning.
I love you all dearly.
Thanx for being instrumental in saving my life!!
:42: