What Was Your Epiphany?

[CciRider]

Peace and serenity upon everyone:

I will tell you my epiphany. I started going to meetings, but didn't share at first. For a long time I had been filled with rage, but didn't get to the bottom of my rage until I started to share my story with others.

My mom had a broken picker when it came to men. As a result, my brother and I had a very dysfunctional childhood. To my mom's credit, when she found out that my brother and I were being physically abused by my step-father, she got us out of that situation. The problem was that my mom never apologized to my brother and I for having made such horrible decisions when it came to men, but instead tried to make me feel guilty for being angry about what happened.

She became a very good provider and caretaker of my brother and I. I couldn't have asked for a better, more hard-working mother than the mother I had. She would do anything in the world for my brother and I, even if it meant throwing herself in front of a bus to save us. How could I be angry at such a woman? That was the way I felt, and it was also the way my mom tried to make me feel. "How could you be angry at me when I have done so much for you?" was the message that was conveyed to me loud and clear. So I was angry, but wasn't allowed to express it. Instead, I was shamed into suppressing that anger.

In 1997, I got a phone call from my cousin that my mom had shot herself in the head. My whole world started spinning out of control, and now that I look back on it, I believe that my unresolved anger towards my mom had something to do with it. For me, my recovery has been focused on expressing that pain and anger in a safe and supportive environment and walking through the pain instead of dancing around it. I now know why I have self-medicated myself in past, and am determined to heal myself and move forward in my life.

So, to make a long story short, my epiphany was realizing that as long as I was walking around with a wounded soul as a result of my suppressed anger, I would not be able to fully recover from my addiction problems. My addiction problems were just exascerbating the problems from my childhood. So what was your epiphany? Thank you for allowing me to share.

Peace.

[Montauktammy]

I had lost custody of my child I had gone back to F Court about 6 times in recovery I was clean after all. Each time the told me NO in F court. I thought I would go crazy and then when I gave in and asked for my Higher Powers help I got her back the next day that was the one that rocked my hole world I never thought I would get her back, but I did. Over night.
The other was when my first sponsor ask me why I came in the room to get my child back or to stop using, the words just fell out. I don't know but any thing is better than what was before.

Now this new one with my anger. It is crazy in a way I had surrendered over and over on drugs, booze, my kid, for some reason my anger was still there, I was soo twisted with it, I did the most insane things clean, I would not raise my hand to any one for fear of my rage. Funny how people would say to me your anger scares me, and I think in my head yeah me too. One little thing happened someone told my boyfriend I said I wanted to use in a meeting and I did, I did not use but at that time I wanted to. He came that weekend and broke up with me for that. He was scared that I would use and take him out with me, but he made the mistake of telling me someone else had said something to him. I got cold and said quickly don't tell me who said it. I don't know what he saw that night, but that other person should know they are very lucky. I wanted to rage I had my kid a room mate with a kid too I wanted to kill. My rage brought me to that animal level that non human level you read about in the book when we where using, but I was not using. I had been at that place before in using never clean. I realized that my rage was taking over, I had replaced my addiction with a feeling. The less I work the steps on it the bigger it got. My little anger issues that every one made a joke about was just as deadly as the dope I use to take. 5 month off of rage cause I relapsed on it thank God I did not hurt my self or any one else. It was always kind of funny when I was using how people would move out of my way, it is not so funny when your clean. Epiphanies
I have had a few in and out of recovery.

[JohnDaniels]

Thank you all for sharing.

I have had several epiphanies in my life. Those memorable experiences have had such a profound effect on me that they have changed the way I have viewed life.

I can well relate to the way "rage" has been mentioned and those shared experiences have had such profound personal changes which have resulted toward personal growth and development.

Back in my drinking daze my rage had caused me to do things I am certainly not proud of. Many times those things caused me to wind up standing in front of a judge. The decisions of the judges back then had no real effect on me because I had not yet learned to be honest with myself. Oh, at the moment the judge had my attention and my respect, I would have moments of honesty and believe me, I really believed it when I promised to be good if he let me go. The problem with me back in those daze, as I am sure it is or has been for many others, was not that I had a bad memory. The problem back with me back in the old daze was that I had a real good forgetter.

So when the judge let me go, I would feel such a relief that I just had to celebrate over it. Many of those celebrations led to my getting into more trouble of course.

At the end of my drinking daze I had just been released from a 3 month stay in a hospital. I went in there because I had been having hallucinations caused from drinking and drugging.

Even in that hosptial stay I managed to drink when I wanted to. The day I was realeased from that 3 month stay, the nurse walked with me down the elevator and out to the parkinglot. When she left me there in that parkinglot, I stood there feeling so cold and alone. When she walked back inside the hospital I had never felt so empty inside. I had no one to go see and no one came to greet me.

I had previously talked to a lady in AA on the telephone and I thought of that conversation as I stood there in that parkinglot. I stood there in that parkinglot on a hill over-looking the little town and I was thinking, "I wonder if AA will really work?" Little did I know, it would be the exact thing I needed.

I drove home to an empty house and went on a drinking binge. I would come-to once in a while, sometimes on the kitchen floor and sometimes on the bathroom floor. I would try to sober up, but for me sobering up only made my rage go out of control. So I drank again, then sobered up and got crazy, then drank, then sobered up and got crazy, then drank again...

I thought I would not be able to ever get sober because the only thing sobering up did for me back then was to make the way I felt worse. I turned into a maniac when I sobered up. So I drank again. Then came the time when drinking did not give me any relief anymore and that was a point that terrified me.

At that time I was drinking at home everyday a 5th of Jack Daniels, a pint of peppermint schnapps, a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon, staying high on pot, taking an array of pills and anything else that worked. I carried a pint of Jack Daniels in my goose-down vest pocket for work. The problem was, that it was not working anymore.

It was not the undercover cops keeping tabs on me, jails or hospitals, it was not the number of failed relationships or the number of jobs or any of that which would have the profund effect referred to as "the epiphany". It was a moment of clarity I had when I came-to during a blackout in the middle of the night. I came-to in front of my bathroom door in a puddle of red vomit. I'd try to get up and I'd slip in the red vomit on that slick floor. I could not get up. THAT was the point for me in which my life made a turn for the better.

It was at that point I gave up the fight. It was a moment of honesty for me like I had never had in my life. It was a spiritual experience because it had a profound effect that permanantly changed my life in a way that I was not personally capable of doing by myself. It was that point I knew I was helpless and powerless over alcohol. I wanted to pray to God for help but I could not even get up to my knees, so I laid there in that mess and I cried and I prayed. It felt as though I had the warmth of Gods loving arms wrapped around me. Laying there in that puddle of red vomit and that warmth of Gods love felt better than anything I had ever experienced in any church. I knew I was not alone anymore.

I spent to next 8 months trying to stop drinking but everytime I stopped drinking I became violent and destructive, throwing chairs at work against the wall, throwing my lunch on the wall at work, getting into fights and going the rest of the way down the tubes quickly. It was as if the process of going the rest of the way down the tubes had been sped up. However, I just did not know how to live once I stopped drinking and this is what the 12 sreps are designed to do - to teach guys just like me how to live once we stop drinking.

One night I finally did give up completely at work. I laid my head down on my desk and cried out to God to help. I told God that I did not want to live like this any longer. I was talking outloud there with my head down on my folded arms on my desk. I told God to either help me get sober or end my life because I could not live that way anymore. At that precise moment, a man whom I had never seen before came down out of his crane and very friendly introduced himself to me. He said the company had just transferred him to this evening shift for about a week. That "week" actually turned into 8 more months on that shift. He said he didn't like the evening shift because they interffered with his "meetings". It was like he was an Angel - a messenger of God.

I asked him "what meetings?" and he explained how he was sober in AA. To this day I believe with all my heart that God had placed that man in my life as an answer to a prayer. That man fed me little by little the AA message in a way that nobody else could have explained it to me. In a work environment filled with rough and tough alcoholics, nobody else could have given me the message better. One night he even gave me his old big book which was a first edition. I still have it among my most treasured possessions.

Eight months had passed and I heard from that man the things that were nessessary for me to finally get to AA meetings and not just stop drinking, but learn how to live sober. That had been the problem for me, not knowing how to live without alcohol.

At that first meeting I asked those first generation old timers how to stay stopped after I stopped drinking because I would go crazy with rage when I stopped drinking. The man who became my original sponsor gave me his phone number and told me to call him when ever I felt like drinking. I was serious about wanting to stay sober so I called him every single day, sometimes many times a day. Instead of drinking when I felt anger and rage, I called my sponsor. He always greeted me with respect, love and excitement. It made me feel good about calling him.

He explained to me how this thing is "CUNNING, BAFFLING AND POWERFUL" and how my anger and my rage were triggers that were part of my alcoholism. They were the things that set in motion a mental obsession which was coupled with a physical compulsion, and that was alcoholism. He explained how my anger turned into an obsession, which turned into rage, which the only way I had previously dealt with it was to drink at it. To me previously, drinking alcohol was the only way I knew how to get through life and all the emotional pains. It was like a medication to me until it stopped working.

Previously when I thought of drinking it was also an obsession and when I drank it was compulsive and it poisoned my mind. Back then we talked allot about the mental obsession and the physical compulsion.

That was then and this is now though. In my sobriety I have had one exprience with that old rage. It was many years ago in about my 7th year of sobriety, when I drove up into my driveway one afternoon and caught a man breaking into my house. There he was going through my daughters bedroom window. I jumped out of my truck, ran across the yard at him, I grabbed him and gave him a beating. I then drug him out to the street and through him in his old truck. I told him what I'd do to him if I ever saw him again and he peeled away in his gold spray can painted old truck with his finger out the window at me.

A week went by and I got a letter from the court system telling me that burgler had filed assault and battery charges against me. I was steamed. After I calmed down I went down with witness's to have a meeting with the prosecuting attorney who assured me that he would drop the charges against me. He also told me he would call that burgler in to have a serious talk with him about what he did and how he would be facing legal trouble now.

A few things I learned out of that were; I took the responcibility as a clean sober man to set up a meeting with the prosecuting attorney that I would have never done had I been drinking. He treated me with respect which no prosecuting attorney ever did in my drinking daze. But more importantly I learned something about me and my rage. I learned that my rage was based on fear. I learned that if my fear had been any greater that day I caught that burgler breaking into my home, I may have killed him.

I eventually learned to grow up and apply the 12 steps to my life as a way of living. My anger and my rage are still right outside my door doing push-ups. I don't have to be angry and filled with rage today though as long as I do what has worked all along. At the beginning of each day I talk it over with God and I ask him to guide me and give me the answers I need to face any problems I might face. At the end of each day I go into my office, close the door and talk it over with God. I reflect back over my day and I examine all of the transactions I have had with people all through the day. Was I honest in all my dealings? Did I hurt anyone? Was I selfish in any way that needs correcting? Was I a responcible husband and father? Did I quickly make any ammends that needed ammending?

If I discover through my daily inventory in the evenings that I have hurt anyone, I quickly make my ammends to them. That is the beauty of the teachings in the 12 steps. They have taught me a way to actually live without drinking.

The greatest realization or epiphany of my life, has come in the past few years. It is that I have come to realize that God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. Hearing it read at a meeting is one thing, but realizing it and living it is something entirely different. That is one of the 12 promises we have all heard and that is the most powerful one of the 12 promises I can relate to.

God continues to bless me with a kindness, love, teachings and a way of life that I could have never gotten to all on my own self knowledge. They used to say that allot in my original home group "Self Knowledge will not be Enough". I know that to be true today because I have such a life today that I could have never gotten here on my own self knowledge. I am just not that smart.

[jenkinsdan]

I spent 10 years starting a new career (after ruining my old one with drink and drugs). I just started using again and became incapable of performing my function.

The turning point for me was when I was offered a job in the same field. I realized that I could not do it AND stay high at the same time. I could not do ANYTHING productive unless I quit using. I did not quit for the job (I did not take it), I quit so I could LIVE!

Without my higher power I am a dead man.

[Humblepie]

I know this is a no brainer for most of you.

I am powerless over alcohol.

[SkinnyNinja]

This is an awesome topic.

My epiphany came somewhere around six months sober, and it was simply this: I realized, at the end of one day, that I had not thought about drinking for the entire day.

This was a miracle. And I said it would never happen.

I had told everyone who would listen that I was different, I was unique, and my obsession with alcohol ran deeper than yours....and therefore I would always obsess over the need to drink. But one day, I did not obsess. Not once.

And I realized this. And that was the miracle: that the obsession was finally lifted. That was my epiphany. I am truly blessed today, because that was quite a long time ago.

[JohnDaniels]

I am really enjoying reading all the postings here.

Thank you to all of you for sharing your experience, strength and hope here. :11:

[CciRider]

Thank you all for sharing.

I have had several epiphanies in my life. Those memorable experiences have had such a profound effect on me that they have changed the way I have viewed life.

I can well relate to the way "rage" has been mentioned and those shared experiences have had such profound personal changes which have resulted toward personal growth and development.

Hi JD:

I like how you say that you have had several epiphanies in your life. I think a spiritual awakening, more often than not, is composed of a series of epiphanies. Thanks for sharing your experience JD.

I believe that my HP has put me here for a purpose, and that purpose isn't to pursue power and pleasure at the expense of higher principles. Don't get me wrong - I love power and pleasure just like the next guy, but whenever I have put the cart before the horse in my life, the cart never got far and neither did the horse.

Peace.

[JohnDaniels]

Hi JD:


I believe that my HP has put me here for a purpose, and that purpose isn't to pursue power and pleasure at the expense of higher principles. Don't get me wrong - I love power and pleasure just like the next guy, but whenever I have put the cart before the horse in my life, the cart never got far and neither did the horse.

Peace.

Could you elaborate please? These things interest me such as the reasons why many of us believe God has placed us here for a reason. I know I have had plenty of experiences which have led me to believe the same thing.

Had you previously had experiences with power or pleasure which resulted in trouble? What are those higher principles of which you speak?

Would you give an example of a time you put your cart before your horse as you mentioned in your post?

Please don't misinterpret my comments here to you as anything but friendly on my part. I am only curious and interested as to your comments which I have included in quotation.

With all respect.

Thanks in advance.

[twood]

My epiphany was after losing a family member close to me and i realized for the first time inside that we arent here forever and that time does kinda tick fast. I imagined what if it was my time soon and all i had to look back on is what i have been doing and it really scared me. When addiction has you in its stronghold at least in my situation there was no point to my life. I wasnt contributing to society in any way at all and this had never crossed my mind until this point. I am still pretty young but i realized that i really shortchanged myself on what could have been great years of my life

[sioux]

My first ephiphany was that there may indeed be hope for me.

My last one was that there certainly was and continues to be hope for me.

And there have been so many in between.

My hope is that I continue to be openminded and willing enough to have more moments of clarity. As it is said, hearing as only the dying can has been my salvation leading to liberation and freedom.