a sponser

[kkathe1278]

I have a question, I am new to na and I attend a meeting every Monday night with my husband but I would like to get a sponser but I am hestitant to ask anyone. I have made some connections with people but I am still nervous about asking someone. Any tips?

[admin]

If you see someone who has what you want then ask. It was suggested to me for women to stick with women and men with men. In the meantime, get lots of phone numbers so you have someone to call when you need them. Keep coming and sharing with us. We are here for you also. :42:

[dalin]

Glad you are here!

[Prescott]

:42:

[Humblepie]

get lots of phone numbers so you have someone to call when you need them.I have made some connections with people but I am still nervous about asking someone.I have been in and out of the rooms of AA for a long time without a sponsor because I was to nerveous to ask. A couple of weeks ago, during my last binge I decided to get out the numbers I had collected and call somebody. As I was talking to him the words "will you be my sponsor" came out of my mouth. His answer was "I would be honored".

kkaethe1278 their are people at those meetings just waiting for you to ask.

[Montauktammy]

there is nothing like sponsorship on either side, but Tammy hit the nail on the head for me, I can't we can. As far as men with men women with women I don't think that a man could understand some of my issues being a different gender, or I may not be comfortable sharing with them.:smile:

[JohnDaniels]

The group I got sober in believed it was best for men to sponsor men and women to sponsor women. I can't speak for everyone, but I can tell you that in my case it is best that women stay with women sponsors and men stay with men sponsors.

I have seen exceptions to this rule where it worked out fine such as a man with 30+ years of sobriety in his late 70's who sponsored some young women new in the program. Also a lady in her 70's with 30+ years who sponsored young men. Those were a few exceptions to the rule.

I have seen and have experienced myself how new-comers are very vulnerable and we cannot help but to feel close to the person we share such intimate details of our lives with. Kind of like the way many pateints will fall in love with their counselors.

There's no getting around it, many of us have sex on the brain for an average time of every 7 seconds when we are young. Some of us are stronger than others though and can go as long as 8 seconds. I saw a guy one time who could go as long as 9 seconds without thinking about sex when he saw a young woman. At my age now I am asking "Sex, what is that?" :lol:

I have always taken the roll of sponsor as something very personal and very sacred. It has always been an honor for me to sponsor anyone when I am asked.

I was asked many years ago by a young lady if I would be her sponsor. For the purpose of this conversation I will call her "J" to use a a reference as I tell this story. I had helped her get to AA in the first place and I introduced her to some of the long time female members of our group. When she asked me to be her sponsor we had a talk about why I thought she needed a female sponsor.

"J" had a very fowl and offensive mouth as many of us do when we arrive in AA. After all, we come into AA talking with the only mouth we have. I never want to forget where I came from and I am often reminded of that when ever I meet someone like "J".

I was never offended by "J's" fowl mouth. That fowl mouth will usually go away after a while in AA when we learn how to live and how to talk like adults. We didn't get to AA because we were mental giants. We didn't get to AA because we suddenly wanted to belong to a prestigious social order. I don't ever want to forget what brought me to AA and what my primary purpose is.

To make a long story short; I agreed to be "J's" sponsor until she could find a female in the program whom she could relate to. We started the steps. I helped her get a regular job, as opposed to her old way of making a living. She had been staying in our spare bedroom for several months and it worked out. I helped her get a nice apartment and a vehicle. After she had 6 months sobriety, I made a visit to her state case worker where I went to bat for her and they gave her daughter back to her.

Things were looking good for "J" for the first time in her life. I took her under my wing as if she were my little sister. I kept the steps and the rest of the program fore-front in my mind. She eventully started substituting other more acceptable words for those fowl words she had used. Such as using the word "hump" for the "F-word" or using the word "Urinate" for the word "P---". It got to be quite comical when she'd get up to speak, saying something like, "Oh that son-uv-a-female dog really humpin' urinates me off!"

The time came when I told her she really needed to get a female sponsor and I handled it gingerly and with all respect. I had absolutely no romantic inclinations toward her, but she had obviously developed them toward me.

A few months went by with her new female sponsor. "J" got involved with a new guy in the program against my wishes. One night "J" took and over-dose of pills before a meeting. I grabbed another biker guy I sponsored and we drove "J" to the emergency room. I carried her inside the er in my arms and laid her on a table. The er doctor was a real jerk about the whole thing and told me to the effect, that she deserves what she gets and she did it to herself. I cradled her head in my arms like a baby as she died right there on that table.

I always look for the lesson or the moral of a story. In this case I tought her death was senseless. I learned that not everyone in AA does what they are supposed to do. I learned that we ALL have clay feet. I like to tell this story to women in the program especially when they have to even think about weather they want to sponsor someone or not.

I have seen the way most women in AA are just as happy as I am and just as honored as I am when ever asked to sponsor anyone. In "J's" case, that group at that time never had any female with enough maturity to accept her fowl mouth and be her sponsor. To me, that was their problem not "J's".

I never have to think about sponsoring a man in the program for any reason what so ever. It is an honor for me to undertake this 12th step with all respect as we take that journey inward, beginning with step 1.

So kkathe1278 welcome. My little story here was only intended to show the seriousness of why I believe women should stick with women, men with men, and women as members of AA should never turn down a request in AA to sponsor any other woman and men to men as well. We have a primary purpose and most of us realize that and most of us will be honored by a request to be a sponsor.

I'd look for a woman AA member with some time whom you respect and who you might kind of like to be like. I'd look for a woman AA member who is serious about the 12 steps and being your guide through the 12 steps. I think a little prayer to ask your Higher Power to guide and assist you in this will also help. I would suggest in the mean time that you get a 12 Steps and 12 Traditions book and a Big Book and start right in. You can pick them up at most meetings far less than the cost of a drinking episode. I told that to a guy one time who told me he didn't have enough money to buy those books. I told him to steal them then, that there is a step in there that will take care of that later. Haha.

Again, welcome to you my sister and as we say, "May God bless and keep you as you trudge the road to happy destiny"

[kaistevens]

getting a sponsor was some of the first 12th step work I did.

The most important thing to remember is that it is not a marriage. You're just asking for help. Just someone to talk with about things only we can understand.

But you can start out by just getting a handful of numbers. Learn to pick up that 1000lb. phone, and just talk to people. You may just end up asking by mistake.

[sioux]

I was from the sick world of where a sponsor was someone who would vouch for you and help you get integrated or socialized. I guess I wasn't so wrong, but for the most part, my sponsor helped me work the steps.

Could you try asking someone to work the steps with you. Someone who has something "like" what you are and what you want. I think there is truth in the men with me, women with women, but I will take it one step further...I needed a sponsor who had what I termed a successful marriage and a humble career with children because I needed to be able to relate to someone who had experience in these areas of life that maybe a single gal with no kids and a job at IBM may not be able share with me.