Request some help please

[DryDaveC]

I am having a bit of a problem, my daughter who is 19 years old that I had to kick out for excessive boozing and drugging and ruining my home a year and a half ago, had moved into my ex-wifes apartment and to all appearances, was getting straightened out. Well now, it appears she put up a front, and has been kicked out of her apartment, than moved in with another person and proceeded to trash HIS apartment and drink & booze with her friends there also and got kicked out of there also. The other apartment is basically thoroughly damaged and will cost 1000.00 to get it back to rentable status again. I have brought her to a few meetings and she had admitted she was "possibly" an alcoholic, and i thought that was a start. SHe met some ladies there and got phone numbers. I though she was on her way. Then I heard that she said to my new wife that the only reason she was going was because she came up dirty and is on probation and want to look good for her probation officer. Thats when I decided to stop taking her o meetings on any more than an occasional basis and if we did go together, she was going to have to sit at a seperate table (mainly so she and I could both have our own freedom to say what needed to be said without any problems). Now all this has happened. SHe has never called any of those women to ask for rides or help, pretty much knows full well that she wont be coming here to live. My question, is what can I do to help her at this point? I feel that Ive been responsible by making her run her own recovery. Is an intervention in order? And if so, how do I go about it? My insurance wont cover rehab for her unless she is suicidal (which shes already been through without success). Not sure where to go from here.
Any help would be much appreciated

[admin]

Hey DryDave, We have some intervention links here http://www.cyberrecovery.net/forums/showthread.php?t=82 . Have you gone to any Alanon meetings for yourself? My sponsor suggested Alanon for me when I shared with her about my hubby. I am an alcoholic and drug addict myself in recovery and also in Alanon/Naranon. We also have a forum on the board here for Family and Friends of Alcoholics/Addicts http://www.cyberrecovery.net/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=11 . There is also an online Alanon Meeting here http://www.cyberrecovery.net/forums/chat_mainpage.php on Saturdays. You can check the meeting time here http://www.cyberrecovery.net/forums/chatmeet.php . I also suggest praying. Keep coming and sharing with us. :42:

[kaistevens]

I understand your frustations. My children are teenagers and making their own decisions right now too.

You really know the answer to your own question. She has to hit her own bottom. She has to come to the place where things just aren't working for he anymore. Sounds like she's not convinced yet, she's not done yet.

There was no one who could convince me, not my parents, my spouse, my children. I had to come to my bottom all on my own. And as long as they were trying to force that for me, they were really just keeping me in deniel. My life wasn't my problem until they got out of the way.

Put her in God's hands and then let her write her story. Love ya later. Kai

[Greg T]

I am having a bit of a problem, my daughter who is 19 years old that I had to kick out for excessive boozing and drugging and ruining my home a year and a half ago, had moved into my ex-wifes apartment and to all appearances, was getting straightened out. Well now, it appears she put up a front, and has been kicked out of her apartment, than moved in with another person and proceeded to trash HIS apartment and drink & booze with her friends there also and got kicked out of there also. The other apartment is basically thoroughly damaged and will cost 1000.00 to get it back to rentable status again. I have brought her to a few meetings and she had admitted she was "possibly" an alcoholic, and i thought that was a start. SHe met some ladies there and got phone numbers. I though she was on her way. Then I heard that she said to my new wife that the only reason she was going was because she came up dirty and is on probation and want to look good for her probation officer. Thats when I decided to stop taking her o meetings on any more than an occasional basis and if we did go together, she was going to have to sit at a seperate table (mainly so she and I could both have our own freedom to say what needed to be said without any problems). Now all this has happened. SHe has never called any of those women to ask for rides or help, pretty much knows full well that she wont be coming here to live. My question, is what can I do to help her at this point? I feel that Ive been responsible by making her run her own recovery. Is an intervention in order? And if so, how do I go about it? My insurance wont cover rehab for her unless she is suicidal (which shes already been through without success). Not sure where to go from here.
Any help would be much appreciated

Dave, It appears that she is not willing to get clean at this time. It also appears that you have done everything with in your power to help her as well. She does need to hit bottom, and it is her bottom that she needs to hit, not what we think her bottom is. while this is difficult to watch, it is important that she sees her consequences as being related to her behavior. If she is shielded from seeing this reality, then she will continue to blame others for her difficulties and will be unable to see the unmanageablity is a result of her own behavior. Do not pad her corners. Sometimes letting go completely will allow her bottom to hit much faster. As long as she has people to clean up her destructive mess, she can't see that the mess was there. If somebody pays her consequences, then that person is assuming responsibility for her behavior, why should she assume respnsibility if someone else will? An alcoholic must feel discomfort and pain, this is what brings them into the rooms. Second, the attraction of the program will take over at that point. You won't have to force program on her. Letting go is the way that I see it, for the best result. Good luck Dave, Greg T.

[DryDaveC]

Thanks everyone for the help. It appears the only thing I have left to do is let go, let God and be there when she needs me. God bless everyone here.

[JohnDaniels]

Hi Dave,

I see you are from Chesterfield, Michigan. I am going to send you a private message because there is some information I will send you and I don't want to break anyone's anonymity on an open posting here.

Say Dave, I understand where you're at. I was once there myself. These things can sure break our hearts. I found my answer in Alanon.

[serenity.awayout]

It is my experience that the alcoholic has to want to stop drinking before AA can help. AA is for people who WANT IT..NOT for people who need it...and today there is over 2 million alcoholics worldwide who want it! I did not get to AA until I suffered a lot of pain and shame..sounds like your daughter is not their yet. May the God of your understanding grant him no more pain than needed for him to seek help. My Al Anon sponsor used to tell me "who am I to deny the alcoholic the pain he/she needs to finally get help!

I would like to offer some help for you...which may eventually help the alcoholics in your life. I am also a member of Al Anon, having a wife, at least one brother, a father, great grand father, and several nephews who are/where alcoholics and some of them in recovery. Alcoholism is a family disease. It effects the family members...and that is what Al Anon is all about.

I go to Al Anon because of the alcoholics in my life....NOT FOR the alcoholics in my life. I go to get better and learn how to live with them...sober or as active alcoholics. If you want help for the alcoholics in your life...how willing are you to get help for your self?...Trust me... Al Anon works if given a chance.

Look Up Al Anon in your local phone book and given them a call or try this website for a meeting location near you: Click here: Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen. Go to at least 6 meetings..one hour each..no cost just a contribution if you can afford it. Tell them what you told us..and then listen about their experience in getting a better life..whether the alcoholic is drinking or sober...You are worth it..give your self this gift..you deserve it.

May God (of your own understanding ) grant you the courage to take the next right step! (hint: get help for your self)

[Signal30]

Most people do not come in to AA yet stay there until they have reached their bottom. Many of us decided to finally stop doing it our way because it wasn't working, and we were at the point of giving up on life. Or we were simply in desperation, and feared losing everything.

The one thing you can do is go to Alanon meetings and pray for her. Alanon has members who are or were going through the same exact situation you were. They can share their expierence, strength, and hope.


Tom

[sioux]

As they say, I didn't get to AA on a winning streak. I know you already know this, but I think it bears repeating...you can pray for her and tend to your own recovery so she will know where to go for sure when the day comes she has that moment of clarity.

It is so hard, I know.

[power]

Hi I am Power how are you?
I can understand you very well my mother,and my sister were alcoholist,also I am a an alcoholist and when my son was about 16 years I belived that was the same for him I was desperate, he did not want to listen me.Were not good days,but now it is not so: I am in recovery,and my son did not became a alcoholist,he works and have a good girl.
You are luchy because can go to ALANON groups or speak with them on-line when I was child and saw dead my family there were not groups neither for their neither for me.
Think to yourself: if you don't feel good can't help him.
A kiss