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02-16-2008, 11:29 AM
The Blossoming Denial Tree
by Virginia Santoro
"Denial ~ it's found in all of us to a greater or lesser degree.
It's a blossoming tree out of control ~ destructive in that it keeps
us locked into an increasingly deteriorating pattern of behavior.
It's a tree with many blooms ~ complicated defenses and
maneuvers that we unconsciously use to prevent ourselves
from facing reality. Our tree grows so large and overpowering
we believe it to be real just by virtue of its overwhelming effect.
As real as it is to us, is just how false an illusion it truly is. You
may recognize some of these blooms on your own denial tree:
* Simple denial - you pretend something doesn't exist when it
really does (for example, discounting physical symptoms that
may indicate the presence of a problem ~ "Gimme some Tums.
I've got heartburn" when the reality is "'Lizabeth, I'm coming" -
you're having a heart attack).
* Minimizing - you're willing to acknowledge a problem, but
unwilling to see its severity (for example, admitting to
estrangement in a relationship, when in fact there is glaring
infidelity ~ "Oh, honey, I understand you've got to put in long
days" as she stuffs his lipstick-stained shirt into the hamper).
* Blaming - it's not your fault that you do the things you do, but it
is so-and-so's (for example, blaming your childhood for your
current inappropriate behavior ~ "I can't help being a flirt, my
parents never gave me any attention when I was growing up").
* Excusing - you offer excuses, alibis, justifications and other
explanations for your own or others' behavior (for example,
calling in sick for a partner who's not sick at all - or is he? ~
"My husband won't be in today. He's feeling under the
weather" while she trips over his passed-out drunk body on
the kitchen floor).
* Generalizing - you deal with problems on a broad, general
level, but avoid personal and emotional awareness of the
situation or conditions (for example, participating in a discussion
about the need for communication skills in relationships, then
going home to continue a week of angry silence with a partner
rather than openly resolving your own problems).
* Dodging - you change the subject to avoid threatening topics
or confronting issues (for example, you become adept at "small
talk" ~ "Where were you last night?" "I got a flat, but hey, did you
see that meteor shower in the western sky?").
* Attacking - you become angry and irritable when reference is
made to the existing condition, thus forcing avoidance of the
issue (for example, "I'm not going there!!!! I'm not going to talk
that now. Don't start with me.")
All of these techniques are wonderful for avoiding issues. They
work. I've done them. I've had them done to me. They absolutely
work. But ~ and here's the catch. The more you do them, and the
more they're done to you, the bigger grows the tree. Before long,
the tree is a jungle. There's no chance of ever seeing daylight
again. Right ~ you've lost sight of what's real. With a steady diet
of denial, everything you see, everything you hear, everything
you experience becomes unreal.
That first spoken denial has blossomed way out of bounds. But
there's always a way to start dismantling the jungle. Just don't
water it. Let it dry up and wither away. Every time something
comes up, be a brave soldier. Face it head on, even if you'll
catch hell" for it. Catching hell is good. It gets it out on the
floor.
It gets it done with. You wipe away the debris and move on to the
next situation. You don't grow a tree! Soon enough, the light of
truth and reality begins to peek through. That tree wasn't all that
pretty after all, was it? Not half as pretty as those blue skies, I'd
say."
by Virginia Santoro
"Denial ~ it's found in all of us to a greater or lesser degree.
It's a blossoming tree out of control ~ destructive in that it keeps
us locked into an increasingly deteriorating pattern of behavior.
It's a tree with many blooms ~ complicated defenses and
maneuvers that we unconsciously use to prevent ourselves
from facing reality. Our tree grows so large and overpowering
we believe it to be real just by virtue of its overwhelming effect.
As real as it is to us, is just how false an illusion it truly is. You
may recognize some of these blooms on your own denial tree:
* Simple denial - you pretend something doesn't exist when it
really does (for example, discounting physical symptoms that
may indicate the presence of a problem ~ "Gimme some Tums.
I've got heartburn" when the reality is "'Lizabeth, I'm coming" -
you're having a heart attack).
* Minimizing - you're willing to acknowledge a problem, but
unwilling to see its severity (for example, admitting to
estrangement in a relationship, when in fact there is glaring
infidelity ~ "Oh, honey, I understand you've got to put in long
days" as she stuffs his lipstick-stained shirt into the hamper).
* Blaming - it's not your fault that you do the things you do, but it
is so-and-so's (for example, blaming your childhood for your
current inappropriate behavior ~ "I can't help being a flirt, my
parents never gave me any attention when I was growing up").
* Excusing - you offer excuses, alibis, justifications and other
explanations for your own or others' behavior (for example,
calling in sick for a partner who's not sick at all - or is he? ~
"My husband won't be in today. He's feeling under the
weather" while she trips over his passed-out drunk body on
the kitchen floor).
* Generalizing - you deal with problems on a broad, general
level, but avoid personal and emotional awareness of the
situation or conditions (for example, participating in a discussion
about the need for communication skills in relationships, then
going home to continue a week of angry silence with a partner
rather than openly resolving your own problems).
* Dodging - you change the subject to avoid threatening topics
or confronting issues (for example, you become adept at "small
talk" ~ "Where were you last night?" "I got a flat, but hey, did you
see that meteor shower in the western sky?").
* Attacking - you become angry and irritable when reference is
made to the existing condition, thus forcing avoidance of the
issue (for example, "I'm not going there!!!! I'm not going to talk
that now. Don't start with me.")
All of these techniques are wonderful for avoiding issues. They
work. I've done them. I've had them done to me. They absolutely
work. But ~ and here's the catch. The more you do them, and the
more they're done to you, the bigger grows the tree. Before long,
the tree is a jungle. There's no chance of ever seeing daylight
again. Right ~ you've lost sight of what's real. With a steady diet
of denial, everything you see, everything you hear, everything
you experience becomes unreal.
That first spoken denial has blossomed way out of bounds. But
there's always a way to start dismantling the jungle. Just don't
water it. Let it dry up and wither away. Every time something
comes up, be a brave soldier. Face it head on, even if you'll
catch hell" for it. Catching hell is good. It gets it out on the
floor.
It gets it done with. You wipe away the debris and move on to the
next situation. You don't grow a tree! Soon enough, the light of
truth and reality begins to peek through. That tree wasn't all that
pretty after all, was it? Not half as pretty as those blue skies, I'd
say."