steps 4 , 5 and 6

[Mr.Willing]

i am kinda confused here
i need help in identifying "THE" character defects mentioned in the steps
i am currently working on step 6 but i am really confused
some people that there are 7 defects , others say they are 20 , my 5th stepper made me write 47 defects of character after sharinf step 4 with him..!!!

are defects considered feelings ? or are they ways of thinking or beliefs ? or are they actions ?
i do need help please

[Montauktammy]

maybe talk to your sponsor when I define my defects yes some are feelings and feeling are not facts it gets a little funky for me here to try to explain ok my mouth is a defect when I curse , my anger that is a feeling is a defect sometimes I look at my own defects as like defense mechanisms too , any thing this keeps me away from my higher powers will for me let me know if this makes any since to you at all also ask Dalin he may explain it better.

[DaveH]

I think that you are getting the 7 defects from the Seven Deadly Sins that I believe are mentioned in the 12 & 12. Lust, Gluttony, Greed,Sloth,Anger(or Wrath),Envy, and Pride. I found that most of those existed in my own life but I recognized them as something a little different. My character defects included selfishness, selfseeking, and unforgiveness to mention a few. I was able to identify them when I looked at my response to my fourth step list of resentments, fears, etc. My character defects were often the fuel which motivated my actions. I look at my defects as a fault in my character which kept me from being everything that God had intended me to be. I then took that list to God and asked him to remove them. As my defects were slowly removed, my feelings and actions were changed. God is not finished with me yet, it is progess not perfection. Be encouraged, you have made a great start. Give those things you have identified as your defects to God. He is faithful. And keep working the program.
Blessings,
DaveH

[eve3]

mr willing check this out....http://www.sober.org/Step4.html

[Montauktammy]

:42:FOURTH STEP INVENTORY. These Fourth Step worksheets use the wording from Alcoholics Anonymous (the Big Book). pages 63-71. Text in italics is quoted from ...

[dragonflygrl]

In order to identify defects you will need to review your 4th step with your sponsor. I don't think there are a certain "number" of defects, but in my experience, there are repeating patterns of defects. Does that make sense? So for me I list the defect, how I use the defect in my life, and what steps I can take to change it. DON'T FORGET YOUR ASSETS ON THAT LIST!! :wink:

[dalin]

My defects were those survival skills,that when I repeat them
today I get filled with shame and bad self esteam.
Here is a sixth step worksheet that helped me...

[dalin]

Character Defects List (more will be added)
List as of Thursday, December 8, 2005
1 Abusing Others for enjoyment
2 Action, failing to take
3 Aloof
4 Anger Anger 37, 66, 88, 108, 135
5 Antagonistic
6 Anxiety
7 Anxious, overly
8 Apathetic
9 Apologetic, overly
10 Appearances, preoccupied or obsessed with
11 Argumentative
12 Arrogance
13 Avarice
14 Avoiding confrontation
15 Beating yourself up
16 Beauty, obsession or preoccupation with
17 Bigotry
18 Blaming others for disease
19 Blaming self for disease
20 Boastful
21 Boundaries, not setting
22 Busybody
23 Cheating
24 Choosing easy prey, gossip
25 Choosing easy prey, physical
26 Closed-mindedness
27 Codependenc
28 Coldheartedness
29 Communication, avoiding
30 Communication, poor
31 Companions, seeking corrupt / lower
32 Compassion, lack of
33 Competitive, excessively
34 Complaining
35 Conceit
36 Condemning
37 Confrontation, avoiding
38 Controlling
39 Controlling Others
40 Cowardice
41 Critical
42 Crude
43 Deceptive, deceiving
44 Dependency, dependent
45 Dependent on parents
46 Destructive
47 Devious
48 Different, thinking you are
49 Disease, feeling responsible for/taking credit for
50 Disease, making excuses for
51 Disease, not accepting
52 Dishonesty
53 Dishonesty by omission
54 Disorganized
55 Egotistical
56 Envious
57 Exaggeration
58 Excess
59 Faith, lack of faith in God
60 Fanatical
61 Fantasizing
62 Favoritism, playing favorites
63 Fearful
64 Filthy-mindedness
65 Financially dependent on others
66 Financially insecure
67 Following through, failing to
68 Frustration
69 Gluttony
70 Gossiping
71 Greed
72 Guilt, about sexual fantasies
73 Guilt, excessive feelings of
74 Guilt, feeling guilty for things beyond control
75 Harsh
76 Hate
77 Hatred of others
78 Hatred of self
79 Health, irresponsibility with or neglect of
80 Help, refusing/not asking for
81 Hopelessness
82 Ignorance Ignorance 2, 20, 107
83 Ill wishes toward others
84 Immodesty
85 Impatience
86 Impulsive purchaser
87 Inadequacy, sense of
88 Incompassionate
89 Inconsiderate Inconsiderate 69, 82, 108, 125
90 Indecisive Indecision 86
91 Indifferent
92 Injustice
93 Insecure in your own skin
94 Insecure in sexuality
95 Insecurity, financial
96 Insensitivity
97 Insincerity Insincere 96
98 Intolerance Intolerance 50, 103, 120, 135, 160
99 Intolerance of sick people
100 Inventory, taking other’s
101 Irresponsibility
102 Irresponsibility, financial
103 Irresponsible
104 Isolating
105 Jealousy
106 Judgmental of others
107 Knowing it all
108 Laziness

110 Leering, crude toward Lewd
112 Lifestyles, not accepting others’
113 Love and friendship, refusal to accept
114 Lustful
115 Lying
116 Making excuses for disease
insecure
118 Manipulative
119 Measuring self against others
120 Meddling
121 Messy
122 Miserliness
123 Negative body image
124 Negative Thinking
125 Negatives, focusing on or magnifying
126 Neglectful
127 Opinionated
128 Opinions, not respecting others’
129 Overcompensating for projected wrongs
130 Overcompensating for weaknesses
131 Perfectionism
132 Pessimism
133 Physical appearance, obsession or preoccupation with
134 Physical health, neglect of
135 Playing God
136 Playing God with self
137 Positives, not looking at
138 Possessive
139 Preachy
140 Prejudice
141 Pride, False
142 Pride, Intellectual
143 Pride, Spiritual
144 Procrastination
145 Program, working other’s
146 Psychoanalysis of others
147 Reckless
148 Remorseful
149 Resentment
150 Revenge, vengefulness
151 Rude
152 Sarcastic
153 Secretive
154 Seeking attention
155 Seeking negative attention
156 Self Condemnation
157 Self Deprecating humor
158 Self Importance
159 Self Justification
160 Self Pity
161 Self reliance
162 Self Seeking
163 Self, putting self on pedestal
164 Self-absorbed
165 Self-centeredness Self-centeredness 14, 61, 62, 64, 111*, 124
166 Self-hatred
167 Self-indulgence
168 Selfishness Selfish 7, 21, 61, 67, 69, 82, 84, 86, 87
169 Self-loathing
170 Setting expectations
171 Sex, hidden
172 Sex, lack of appreciation for
173 Skeptical
174 Sloth
175 Stealing Stealing 68
176 Step on others to get to top
177 Stewardship of assets, poor
178 Suspicious
179 Thoughtless
180 Thrill-seeking
181 Uncharitableness
182 Uncleanness
183 Undependable
184 Undisciplined
185 Unfaithful
186 Ungrateful
187 Uniqueness, terminal
188 Unreliable
189 Untrustworthy
190 Valuing the opinion of a sick mind
191 Vengeful
192 Vulgar Immoral Thinking
193 Wasteful
194 Worry

Yes this seems big and bulky,but look at the underlying principles.
What survival skills do you do automaticly,without any forthout?

[dalin]

We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

Surrender is the initial part of working each Step. Surrender prepares us to ask God to remove our defects. Respect and honest humility are keys that open doors to powers that are so great that they dare not approach us when we are exerting our wills. The loving higher powers do not want to hurt us, and going against our unsurrendered will would definitely hurt! We have a blessed tendency to not violate certain basics of humanity. If we betray, exploit or manipulate others without their knowledge or permission, the shame and guilt can exact a high price. The Sixth Step gives us a chance to actualize our disapproval of the way we have been living our lives. The danger here is that our illness of addiction tries to make us forget that we are tapping into a greater power that enables us to work our way back to health through the Twelve Steps. We find that submission calms us and allows us to do our part by being willing and open to change rather that letting us be hurt. But we have to keep going with the Steps! By the time we get to this Step, we have begun to see that addiction only feeds us contradictions. Some experienced NA members have said that we need to clearly define what is bothering us. We want to make sure we really are suffering from a defect and not merely confused by our disease.

This is a step of preparation for the next level of our personal recovery. This is wear the readiness and the willingness have to work together so we can get the complete freedom the 12 Steps promise. Over a long period of time, many members have noticed areas where we all have trouble. These consistencies lead to us using the six P formula.



1] Perspective - These are old ‘survival skills’ that no longer work for us. At one point they did, but now they recharge our unmanageability. H.P. wants more than survival for us today, so we can let them go.

2] Pain - When clinging on to a defect or survival skill becomes more painful than our fear of letting it go, we have become entirely ready to surrender to a higher power.

3] Prayer - God removes the defects, not us addicts. Our part is to pray for openness and willingness. So, God shows us the defect, and we do the footwork of listing, sharing and becoming willing to have God remove the defects in the 7th Step.

4] Patience - God is in charge of the outcome, and chooses how and when our defects are removed due to our lack of humility.

5] Process - Becoming entirely involves a process, like a grief process, where we walk through our denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and work toward surrender and acceptance. Each defect goes through this process, and they can be tough. At the end of this process we write each survival skill, create a good bye letter, thanking it, but letting it know that it will no longer be required.

6] Payoff - When we are struggling with a defect, we need to see what quick fix mechanism is being fed. If we are having a hard time letting it go, what is so good about it? Are we being self righteous, unforgiving, proving that only we know what’s best? Are we justifying, rationalizing, or any number of the usual suspects? Write about each situation that keeps a defect frozen so we can become entirely ready.

One more thing we need to see here is that every character defect is also a characteristic. Take out the addictive urge, add the spirituality, and you can find assets in each one. So all our defects have a God centeredness potential when we check them out. If we drop the negative self- will, and pray for God awareness, we can see how we were spiritual, even when we weren’t practical. We can act our way into spirituality, by watching for negative will.

We addicts require gentleness when we deal with areas of sensitivity caused by past pain. A light touch will do to communicate our needs and our readiness to a loving and attentive God. Gentleness soothes our tendency to relate change with hurting or losing. It gives us maximum capability to pay attention to spiritual principles that may require all our attention. Harshness and abrasiveness make it hard to envision the freedom we seek as near at hand. A loud voice may make us unable to hear at all.

The disease of addiction seems to find a second wind so to speak as we approach this Step. We may want to 'take our time', having 'come so far.' Many have found themselves thinking that if we were to have all our defects removed, we would be unable to survive. Remember here that the purpose of addiction is to mislead and confuse. All that we are seeking in this Step is a growth in our trust and faith that our loving Higher Power will meet our needs. In doing this, we gain the ability to turn loose of harmful defects as we continue with the Steps. We will not be able to go further in recovery unless we trust God to do for us. We have to ask for help from our Higher Power and mean it for the Steps to continue our forward process. Defects do not benefit us. Defects will continue to create countless problems for us and those we love long after we have stopped using drugs. We retain even in recovery the illogical obstinacy and resistance to change in any form. We may even speak well of the Program of NA and the Twelve Steps of recovery and yet we continue to hold back from asking God to remove these defects. There are things and places over which we now have some control. We maintain those things in the best way we can. One of the lessons that we will learn again and again in recovery is to keep to our place. While we stress personal responsibility, we get better at choosing what is our business and what is not. Feeling bad over things that went wrong where we really had no say is ridiculous and is only another way the disease will work to make us miserable when it can.

With an increase of trust and faith from this Step, we give ourselves permission to move forward. Our permission is evidence of our surrender and our willingness to change. So far as we know, God has never forced goodness on any of us. We are all free to mess-up forever. If we want to see what ‘better’ is like, we must let God come into our lives and remove character defects which have blocked our path. Misplaced fears often cause many of our members to slow down when they get to this Step. This is like hanging around outside a restaurant when you're hungry. We addicts feel so brave about things that don't matter to us yet we can be so meek and timid when we face change or improvement. Recalling the early fears that we might have had to overcome in early recovery may help us snap out of any illusions that we might have that the Sixth Step is a resting place in the quest for spiritual growth.

:tongue::2:


A format chart for step 6

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

imagine colums going down with these catagories as the header:

Character defect;

How It affects me;

How it affects others;

What purpose does it serve? (this is a real important column)

How would life be without it? (imagine freedoms from self)

What would I replace it with? (also gives us something to strive towards)

I found this very helpful....because what we resist persists. The harder I tried to just "not act" on character defects the more stubborn they became. I had to tranform them forward instead into a character trait that is more productive that works. Looking at what purpose they served made me look at the payoff I was getting (as dysfunctional as it was) that payoff still served a purpose. a purpose of protection, denial, avoid fears, protect insecurities of the ego, ect.

How would life be without it? well if you go around ripping bark off trees and removing the protection that serves the core of the tree without replacing it....the tree will die. The same is true for people....we peel layers away gently, all the while replacing those protective dyfunctional layers with something that is equally protective that serves to heal, to create health, and is still functional to help the tree grow and continue to heal itself.
I had to at least imagine what my authentic God-self looked like...so I could see a solution, a remedy, a spiritual principal, and alternative behavior, a different and new perspective.....ect.

what would I replace it with? functional healthy coping skills, spiritual principals, behaviors that honor self and others, integrity, honesty, humility...ect. Imagining what kind of character traits I would value...and then seek to develope them.

I had to at least imagine what my highest good looked like and imagine the character traits that would honor that highest good...so that way I had something to shoot for in forward motions and actions. it is so much easier to move energy forward than it is to push it back. I had to create a working transformation in actions that moved me and my character from where I was...to where I wanted to be.

and alot of that time was spent walking through fear of letting go of the old self. The self that served me for so many years....in favor of something better....the new me.

JMHO.

light and love

Ok,this may be confusing,but one of these 2 processes will work for you
Thanks to Gail for keeping it simple.

[dalin]

So use those 2 as an example.
Look at the principles underlying it.
PM me if you need to my freind.

[Mr.Willing]

reading your share has been really enlighting Dalin :)
the way i work step six today is as follows and please feel free to tell me how u think , and please if anyone has an opinion to share with me , please do :

1) i read any step six literature
2) i share with a fellow and identify the defects together for one or two situations

that is all...

so ?

[dalin]

I had to do some hardcore searching.
Becoming willing to have it removed can be a painful process.
It isnt an overnight process.

[poetrylover3]

I believe, with the Big Book, that fear is "the chief activator" of all of my character defects. My character defects at any given moment are usually a response to the notion that I either a) won't get something I "need" or b) will have something I "need" taken away. My brain tells me that I "need" to step in and exercise will power, to act selfishly. My program tells me that my only decision is whether or not I will pray for the knowledge of His will for us (me) and the power to carry that out. The 7th Step prayer asks that God remove every single defect of character that stands in the way of my usefulness to God and to others. Today. What I'm getting at is that making a long list of character defects is counterproductive and often paralyzing. I need to list the harms I have done and then move on. I will never be perfect but I will make progress.
BTW-the Big Book suggests that we go home, be quiet for an hour after our Fifth Step and then take Steps 6 & 7, probably because we have begun to have a spiritual experience and Steps 6 & 7 should be taken while we're in a state of gratitude and surrender.

[Montauktammy]

Fear of loosing what I have or not getting what I want, always come to those 2 fears for me:11: