todd
02-21-2008, 07:25 PM
Montgomery History Convention
Tape One
Opening Meeting
Speakers: Tom, Joe, Linda, Rachel
Speaker: Tom
I have seen it from both sides it continuously happens and it gets to the point where I have been interested enough. I was involved in service in Narcotics Anonymous since before I started counting my clean time and sometimes it gets to the point where I just see it as not having an end. For me to start getting sick and tired of things that are going on in this fellowship takes a lot. Because I owe this fellowship my life but after awhile I get, I understand opinion and I understand peoples interpretations, but when things go on, I ask six different people about the same thing, and I get six absolutely different answers something is wrong here. You know the things that have gone on in the past I have heard some of the things and for me to share and you know people will ask me questions that makes me feel good That somebody to come and say Tom what is going on? The hard thing for me is that sometimes I cannot answer them. I am the kind of person that if I do not have an answer for you, I do not make one up I go to somebody who I think may have the answer for me and then I get back to you. However, when I kind of run around and around and around and I never get an answer I start to look at it like this is futile. Is it really worth seeking these things out and spending a lot of my time, my energy and my money? I am another addict that really could not afford to be here, unmanageability yeah maybe my phone is being shut off while I am here because I chose to come here rather than do that. That was a choice I had in my recovery because I give a ****. I could be at my states convention tonight but I chose not to be there because I want to know what is going on in this fellowship and whether or not the ties that bind us together are actually stronger than those that could tear us apart. I read something that came from the conference, I read a lot of things that came from the conference and I was real disenchanted, disillusioned, disappointed with a lot of the things that came out of there. There was a panel presentation called what are we here and I came back to my area and I read them the last four paragraphs and it talked about unity and it talked about us being able to disagree without being disagreeable and it talked about whether or not the dilemmas that we come across are insurmountable. I have engaged in a lot of philosophical discussions that there is no right or wrong answers to. Where my opinion has not been respected as I try to respect other peoples opinions. Icons in the fellowship, I do not know I have not been around long enough to have maybe fully appreciate some of the things that the past members or older members of this fellowship offered or what they went through. I would like to find out some of those things. I hope what I see over this weekend is not where we have the people who are kind on the edge and kind of like I do not know what is going on over in one group, and then everybody who is anybody �in this room� ends up at some other table. I see it happen in my region, I do not like it, and I really hope it does not happen here. Because I came out to rummage through peoples archives and to talk to members who have been around for a long time who were involved to get first hand knowledge from these people. I hope that if you are one of the people I am addressing that you take the time out, sit down, and answer some of these questions. I have been privileged to sit in on a number of discussions with a number of people over the last several years. I sit and I do not generally ask questions when it involves things that happened years ago etc. There is a reason for that because if you are sitting there having a discussion I am not going to take up all your time trying to get all the background information, but sooner or later I would like to know. I asked my sponsor this earlier and I did not understand it and I, maybe I am just naïve I have not been around the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous long enough to of become hardened. However, through the 12 Steps as they are described in this book whatever edition it is that you keep carrying, there is a way to let go of resentment of anger. It is in that book to be able to carry something around for five years or ten years. To have that be there for that long a time I do not understand. As far as me, I will be wandering around. I am here to help, I am here to serve the fellowship that I am a part of and to be apart of something that hopefully I will be able to look back upon and say yes I was there and I was apart of that and it turned into something good. I did not turn in to a mess like a lot of things I have seen in this fellowship and a lot of gatherings. In the event that I do make a mess, today I do try to clean it up. Thanks for letting me share. (Applause)
Speaker: Joe
Hello I am an addict named Joe. Hi Joe. I am real glad to be here. I came all the way up here because I have some fears and I then I have some hopes. I have some fears that through my experience in the service structure that all that is done for me so far is kind of like eroding. From what I can see as Lawrence said, a couple of things that he said that as far as the group conscience that in some places it does not exist. You know I have become real familiar through my experience in service that past my region there is no group conscience the way I can see it, it stops there. We try our damndest in our region and in our area to really get as good a group conscience as possible. You know every question in my region we have to take back to the groups to get the conscience before we vote on it. That does not happen in every region. I was involved in the Spanish translation project from the beginning; in fact, about four years ago my area initiated the motion that kind of brought this thing all together. Then a few months ago, the WSO took it upon themselves to just disband the committee and turn the project over to a professional translator. That really hurt me deeply and scared the **** out of me to be real frank with you. I also realized that the service structure is not NA. That even if like tomorrow my area disbands, my region disbands the WSC disbands you know there is still recovery available to me in my home group. Never the less you know as if to me being able to serve through the service structure has really afforded me with a lot of good stuff. A lot of self esteem a lot of like chances to help other addicts and to use my God given gifts to help somebody else and to write literature and to take meetings to institutions. To really share myself as fully as possible and I see the process that I think should be like a real open process and everybody should be able to participate because it is part of our 12 Steps. I see it being closed more and more and more instead of being open. Instead of me being able to participate more you know as I go along in my recovery, and as I gain more recovery to be able to give more of that recovery I see the chances of being closed up and that scares me, because I really need that. Besides going to my meetings, to my home group and get it there this addict also needs a service structure where I can give it away. Besides on a one to one or in sponsorship, but I have a hope that God is in charge and that it says in the Traditions we keep what we have only with vigilance. Although my first instinct is to run away and not push it and not stand for something and not take the brunt of somebody else's difference of opinion like Carl was saying and realize I need to be vigilant. If I do not give it away, I do not keep it. I want us to keep what we have and to have more you know. So I need to stay involved and when I heard from Billy all the members that have been around for a long time with a lot of experience strength and hope way before who were here as this thing developed. I was very lucky, when I came in the doors it was all there for me you know. I already had like hundreds of meetings you know and I was able to get right into service and serve in many ways, it was all there for me. But I see the possibility that if we do not exert our vigilance that this process will be closed up you know. If the concepts come out and get passed, you know the regions will be disbanded and there will be no chances at a regional level. The Spanish translation thing I was so involved in it I read a book of a story written for the Basic Text, I really got excited, I met some of the people that were involved in that you know, and I was sorry that I did not get to participate. So when I found out there was a possibility that we were going to write another book and that I could be part of that process once more I will do it I am here and will go anywhere so that I can participate in that, because I believe that. The literature was written by addicts for addicts, I really like to understand how it happened that some corporation that is not Narcotics Anonymous now owns all of our literature. I mean how did that happen, I need to know. I need to know how that happened because I want to see if we can reverse that process and to keep it from happening again. If we do not understand our history, we are doomed to relive it again and there was a time that NA did not exist and addicts died and that could happen again I guess if we do not participate as much as we can. To be vigilant and to be of service and I need to serve. My life was meaningless before I got here and since I got here, my life has a lot of meaning because I can serve and that is very necessary for me today and I do not want to lose that. As a good addict I want more, I want to be able to do it much more and much better. I am real glad that I am here and I just want to get everything that I can from this experience. Thank you. (Applause)
Top of the page
Speaker: Linda
My name is Linda I am an addict. Hi Linda. I am from California and the reason I initially came here was in support of a friend, she did not want to fly alone but as it turned out we are both flying alone and we are both here. In preparing to come here, I was not really excited about it until probably about an hour before I was getting on the plane because my life is so full today because of Narcotics Anonymous. As I was watching the fireworks I said man this is way better than getting loaded you know and that is just a little part. Thinking about coming here oh gosh you know I got clean after Jimmy Kinnon died, passed away and I was never fortunate enough to meet him personally, but I seem to click with the family. I got to know Betty and then I adopted Jimmy's son as my father kind of informally you know so in that essence I have been able to listen to a lot about how this thing started and stuff . I found out the reason I am here after I showed up. I didn't sleep all night, The plane was booked, I can't sleep sitting up and the guy next to me took off his shoes and had stinky feet.(Laughter) I mean it was awful and then when I got on my second flight they were serving breakfast and you can't sleep when there is food you know. When I got here, I was delirious and then I kind of spent a little time at the airport. As long as I knew someone was coming to pick me up, I was fine. Then when I got here, they were just starting up and at this point now, I am very vulnerable and very scared. Because I am thinking that I am going to stay in the room with Betty and did they have it arranged and how is this set up you know I paid my money and I am sitting there all by myself without a soul around me just totally confused. I began to cry, I did not reach out I began to cry and this newcomer that I had met her name is Renee I had been talking to her and she came up and said Linda what's wrong? I told her I am about to cry I don't know what is going on, you know simple as registering and getting my room I wasn't able to do that. She said come on girl let's get you on up there, and she took me on up to the table and she got me signed up and I got my key and I got me suitcase and was on my way up to my room and I was okay. I said thank you so much for helping me and she said well that is what this program is all about. As I said, it did not dawn on me until after I was here why I was here and that is to carry the message to the newcomers to the people coming in that is what we are here for is to help one another. I too agree that since I have been in the program I have had a lot of backs turned on me because I was new or because I was individual because I had certain opinions, because I wore red shoes I don't know but many addicts do seem to turn other addicts away because of certain reasons. I remember when I was new I told myself I will never be like that. If there is an addict seeking recovery, just wants to talk, I am going to put off my life to listen, because that is what I needed when I got here. I want the newcomers what Jimmy Kinnon started here, the reason why he started Narcotics Anonymous is because addicts were dieing in AA, addicts were dieing in the street. I think you know today the meetings that I attend it are getting real repetitious, in the name of unity everybody are doing it the same way, and we are losing a lot of addicts. I am just really glad to be here. I am going to have a blast and get a good night sleep tonight, thanks for letting me share. (Applause)
Speaker: Rachel
Hi, I am an addict my name is Rachael. Hi Rachael. I am really glad to be here. I know why I am here, but I have not figured out why I am here yet. In the past three weeks or so, one by one my titled service commitments seem to be falling by the wayside. Last year I held a regional position and learned so very much, I grew a whole lot through it, and I swore as I made my final report to the region offside that I would never darken their doorstep again. So then I decided to run for ASR and at the last minute as things work out I was acting as temporary secretary for the area and at the very last minute before minutes and letters of willingness were to go out, and I mean literally at the last minute another letter cam in for ASR of willingness came in. I thought of **** I should have sent this out yesterday and I lost and I have never run for anything and lost before. I was confused and hurt for a little while not for to long I had to call my sponsor right away. Before I had found out that there was going to be someone running against me, there is another man in my home group, I am GSR of my home group and I had asked him if he would consider being GSR. He had never held an area position before and he said he would think about it. So after I lost I assumed, and people were saying well you know don't drop out of service this and that and the other thing and I said well you cannot get rid of me that easily. He asked me the next week, he knew that I had lost and he asked me if the GSR seat was still open. I was not even cold in my grave yet, people were ready to replace me, and I thought he has never been in this kind of service before and it might just be time that he gets involved at the area level. Therefore, what I saw happening here was the ASR did not happen and somebody else is willing to be the GSR now and it was time I did some service without a title again. I tell you last year when I was real involved in service without a title I wondered at times why I was doing it and when I thought it was over I wondered why I had done it. There was no title there was nobody to say �good job� no reports to hand in, it was just doing a never-ending job. I came to the conclusion very recently that there is something for me to do and I may just find it at Li-Hi and so I am here as an instrument. If it is nothing but to get in peoples way, change the tape and run a Dictaphone that will be it for the weekend but I am here for a reason. I was sitting here listening to a little bit of history and I just kept thinking if this was person if this was someone I was sponsoring I would say get a clue and do a 4 th Step. This program need to do, needs a 4 th Step in a big way(clapping) but I don't sponsor this program so you don't have to worry about that. I know there have been times when I have become real cynical about service and it usually is when it gets up there in the big leagues and I get real down on it sometimes. I am not a cynical person by nature, a smart ass maybe but not cynical and every time I get like that my faith and my hope and my optimism is restored when I do service for my home group. When I see, the newcomer and we pass around the phone list, and when we do extra hugs at the end of the meeting. When the low fuel light comes on in my car and �no� to the newcomer that I do not need any money to get you home, I do not need any money to pick you up. It is time for me to give it back and every time I get down, I get picked back up in my group. The area that I come from I love with all my heart. I was, in NA I was born and raised in Kalamazoo NA and it was the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me and then I moved to Lansing and it was even more beautiful. I understand that times, they are a changing in Kalamazoo and it hurts to hear what is going on and I still try now I feel like Pollyanna what you seek you will find. I listen , I have many friends in Kalamazoo and I listen to the ones *****, *****, ***** and I am like you are the same people who ***** and you don't do anything but *****. If they had an Ad Hoc ***** committee you would be top *****,�*****�. (Laughter)(Applause) I think those things, I think those things but hey okay I could not afford to be here and people were shocked that I was not going to the convention to the dance well go on without me. I keep thinking that this reminds me this is NA summer camp here and you know the trees and the woods and I am thinking as I see all the trees this is like a retreat. My sponsor is here and my trusted friends are here, the fireworks were here and harmonica is here and I said screw Michelob it just does not get any better than this. I am just so grateful for all the people I have met in this program and I am grateful for the pain that I have been through in service, because I have learned. That I know today that I have buried many many resentments but at any time I can pick them back up and then there are people that love to get me geeked on that. They just drop the all the have to say is MRSCNA and I am like that and you know I let it go and everyday I let it just stay where it is. I am just so thrilled to be here and I look forward to meeting and talking with some more of you in greater length because I have so many questions, so many questions. Just one big question mark walking around so thanks for helping me stay clean. (Applause)
Tape One
Opening Meeting
Speakers: Tom, Joe, Linda, Rachel
Speaker: Tom
I have seen it from both sides it continuously happens and it gets to the point where I have been interested enough. I was involved in service in Narcotics Anonymous since before I started counting my clean time and sometimes it gets to the point where I just see it as not having an end. For me to start getting sick and tired of things that are going on in this fellowship takes a lot. Because I owe this fellowship my life but after awhile I get, I understand opinion and I understand peoples interpretations, but when things go on, I ask six different people about the same thing, and I get six absolutely different answers something is wrong here. You know the things that have gone on in the past I have heard some of the things and for me to share and you know people will ask me questions that makes me feel good That somebody to come and say Tom what is going on? The hard thing for me is that sometimes I cannot answer them. I am the kind of person that if I do not have an answer for you, I do not make one up I go to somebody who I think may have the answer for me and then I get back to you. However, when I kind of run around and around and around and I never get an answer I start to look at it like this is futile. Is it really worth seeking these things out and spending a lot of my time, my energy and my money? I am another addict that really could not afford to be here, unmanageability yeah maybe my phone is being shut off while I am here because I chose to come here rather than do that. That was a choice I had in my recovery because I give a ****. I could be at my states convention tonight but I chose not to be there because I want to know what is going on in this fellowship and whether or not the ties that bind us together are actually stronger than those that could tear us apart. I read something that came from the conference, I read a lot of things that came from the conference and I was real disenchanted, disillusioned, disappointed with a lot of the things that came out of there. There was a panel presentation called what are we here and I came back to my area and I read them the last four paragraphs and it talked about unity and it talked about us being able to disagree without being disagreeable and it talked about whether or not the dilemmas that we come across are insurmountable. I have engaged in a lot of philosophical discussions that there is no right or wrong answers to. Where my opinion has not been respected as I try to respect other peoples opinions. Icons in the fellowship, I do not know I have not been around long enough to have maybe fully appreciate some of the things that the past members or older members of this fellowship offered or what they went through. I would like to find out some of those things. I hope what I see over this weekend is not where we have the people who are kind on the edge and kind of like I do not know what is going on over in one group, and then everybody who is anybody �in this room� ends up at some other table. I see it happen in my region, I do not like it, and I really hope it does not happen here. Because I came out to rummage through peoples archives and to talk to members who have been around for a long time who were involved to get first hand knowledge from these people. I hope that if you are one of the people I am addressing that you take the time out, sit down, and answer some of these questions. I have been privileged to sit in on a number of discussions with a number of people over the last several years. I sit and I do not generally ask questions when it involves things that happened years ago etc. There is a reason for that because if you are sitting there having a discussion I am not going to take up all your time trying to get all the background information, but sooner or later I would like to know. I asked my sponsor this earlier and I did not understand it and I, maybe I am just naïve I have not been around the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous long enough to of become hardened. However, through the 12 Steps as they are described in this book whatever edition it is that you keep carrying, there is a way to let go of resentment of anger. It is in that book to be able to carry something around for five years or ten years. To have that be there for that long a time I do not understand. As far as me, I will be wandering around. I am here to help, I am here to serve the fellowship that I am a part of and to be apart of something that hopefully I will be able to look back upon and say yes I was there and I was apart of that and it turned into something good. I did not turn in to a mess like a lot of things I have seen in this fellowship and a lot of gatherings. In the event that I do make a mess, today I do try to clean it up. Thanks for letting me share. (Applause)
Speaker: Joe
Hello I am an addict named Joe. Hi Joe. I am real glad to be here. I came all the way up here because I have some fears and I then I have some hopes. I have some fears that through my experience in the service structure that all that is done for me so far is kind of like eroding. From what I can see as Lawrence said, a couple of things that he said that as far as the group conscience that in some places it does not exist. You know I have become real familiar through my experience in service that past my region there is no group conscience the way I can see it, it stops there. We try our damndest in our region and in our area to really get as good a group conscience as possible. You know every question in my region we have to take back to the groups to get the conscience before we vote on it. That does not happen in every region. I was involved in the Spanish translation project from the beginning; in fact, about four years ago my area initiated the motion that kind of brought this thing all together. Then a few months ago, the WSO took it upon themselves to just disband the committee and turn the project over to a professional translator. That really hurt me deeply and scared the **** out of me to be real frank with you. I also realized that the service structure is not NA. That even if like tomorrow my area disbands, my region disbands the WSC disbands you know there is still recovery available to me in my home group. Never the less you know as if to me being able to serve through the service structure has really afforded me with a lot of good stuff. A lot of self esteem a lot of like chances to help other addicts and to use my God given gifts to help somebody else and to write literature and to take meetings to institutions. To really share myself as fully as possible and I see the process that I think should be like a real open process and everybody should be able to participate because it is part of our 12 Steps. I see it being closed more and more and more instead of being open. Instead of me being able to participate more you know as I go along in my recovery, and as I gain more recovery to be able to give more of that recovery I see the chances of being closed up and that scares me, because I really need that. Besides going to my meetings, to my home group and get it there this addict also needs a service structure where I can give it away. Besides on a one to one or in sponsorship, but I have a hope that God is in charge and that it says in the Traditions we keep what we have only with vigilance. Although my first instinct is to run away and not push it and not stand for something and not take the brunt of somebody else's difference of opinion like Carl was saying and realize I need to be vigilant. If I do not give it away, I do not keep it. I want us to keep what we have and to have more you know. So I need to stay involved and when I heard from Billy all the members that have been around for a long time with a lot of experience strength and hope way before who were here as this thing developed. I was very lucky, when I came in the doors it was all there for me you know. I already had like hundreds of meetings you know and I was able to get right into service and serve in many ways, it was all there for me. But I see the possibility that if we do not exert our vigilance that this process will be closed up you know. If the concepts come out and get passed, you know the regions will be disbanded and there will be no chances at a regional level. The Spanish translation thing I was so involved in it I read a book of a story written for the Basic Text, I really got excited, I met some of the people that were involved in that you know, and I was sorry that I did not get to participate. So when I found out there was a possibility that we were going to write another book and that I could be part of that process once more I will do it I am here and will go anywhere so that I can participate in that, because I believe that. The literature was written by addicts for addicts, I really like to understand how it happened that some corporation that is not Narcotics Anonymous now owns all of our literature. I mean how did that happen, I need to know. I need to know how that happened because I want to see if we can reverse that process and to keep it from happening again. If we do not understand our history, we are doomed to relive it again and there was a time that NA did not exist and addicts died and that could happen again I guess if we do not participate as much as we can. To be vigilant and to be of service and I need to serve. My life was meaningless before I got here and since I got here, my life has a lot of meaning because I can serve and that is very necessary for me today and I do not want to lose that. As a good addict I want more, I want to be able to do it much more and much better. I am real glad that I am here and I just want to get everything that I can from this experience. Thank you. (Applause)
Top of the page
Speaker: Linda
My name is Linda I am an addict. Hi Linda. I am from California and the reason I initially came here was in support of a friend, she did not want to fly alone but as it turned out we are both flying alone and we are both here. In preparing to come here, I was not really excited about it until probably about an hour before I was getting on the plane because my life is so full today because of Narcotics Anonymous. As I was watching the fireworks I said man this is way better than getting loaded you know and that is just a little part. Thinking about coming here oh gosh you know I got clean after Jimmy Kinnon died, passed away and I was never fortunate enough to meet him personally, but I seem to click with the family. I got to know Betty and then I adopted Jimmy's son as my father kind of informally you know so in that essence I have been able to listen to a lot about how this thing started and stuff . I found out the reason I am here after I showed up. I didn't sleep all night, The plane was booked, I can't sleep sitting up and the guy next to me took off his shoes and had stinky feet.(Laughter) I mean it was awful and then when I got on my second flight they were serving breakfast and you can't sleep when there is food you know. When I got here, I was delirious and then I kind of spent a little time at the airport. As long as I knew someone was coming to pick me up, I was fine. Then when I got here, they were just starting up and at this point now, I am very vulnerable and very scared. Because I am thinking that I am going to stay in the room with Betty and did they have it arranged and how is this set up you know I paid my money and I am sitting there all by myself without a soul around me just totally confused. I began to cry, I did not reach out I began to cry and this newcomer that I had met her name is Renee I had been talking to her and she came up and said Linda what's wrong? I told her I am about to cry I don't know what is going on, you know simple as registering and getting my room I wasn't able to do that. She said come on girl let's get you on up there, and she took me on up to the table and she got me signed up and I got my key and I got me suitcase and was on my way up to my room and I was okay. I said thank you so much for helping me and she said well that is what this program is all about. As I said, it did not dawn on me until after I was here why I was here and that is to carry the message to the newcomers to the people coming in that is what we are here for is to help one another. I too agree that since I have been in the program I have had a lot of backs turned on me because I was new or because I was individual because I had certain opinions, because I wore red shoes I don't know but many addicts do seem to turn other addicts away because of certain reasons. I remember when I was new I told myself I will never be like that. If there is an addict seeking recovery, just wants to talk, I am going to put off my life to listen, because that is what I needed when I got here. I want the newcomers what Jimmy Kinnon started here, the reason why he started Narcotics Anonymous is because addicts were dieing in AA, addicts were dieing in the street. I think you know today the meetings that I attend it are getting real repetitious, in the name of unity everybody are doing it the same way, and we are losing a lot of addicts. I am just really glad to be here. I am going to have a blast and get a good night sleep tonight, thanks for letting me share. (Applause)
Speaker: Rachel
Hi, I am an addict my name is Rachael. Hi Rachael. I am really glad to be here. I know why I am here, but I have not figured out why I am here yet. In the past three weeks or so, one by one my titled service commitments seem to be falling by the wayside. Last year I held a regional position and learned so very much, I grew a whole lot through it, and I swore as I made my final report to the region offside that I would never darken their doorstep again. So then I decided to run for ASR and at the last minute as things work out I was acting as temporary secretary for the area and at the very last minute before minutes and letters of willingness were to go out, and I mean literally at the last minute another letter cam in for ASR of willingness came in. I thought of **** I should have sent this out yesterday and I lost and I have never run for anything and lost before. I was confused and hurt for a little while not for to long I had to call my sponsor right away. Before I had found out that there was going to be someone running against me, there is another man in my home group, I am GSR of my home group and I had asked him if he would consider being GSR. He had never held an area position before and he said he would think about it. So after I lost I assumed, and people were saying well you know don't drop out of service this and that and the other thing and I said well you cannot get rid of me that easily. He asked me the next week, he knew that I had lost and he asked me if the GSR seat was still open. I was not even cold in my grave yet, people were ready to replace me, and I thought he has never been in this kind of service before and it might just be time that he gets involved at the area level. Therefore, what I saw happening here was the ASR did not happen and somebody else is willing to be the GSR now and it was time I did some service without a title again. I tell you last year when I was real involved in service without a title I wondered at times why I was doing it and when I thought it was over I wondered why I had done it. There was no title there was nobody to say �good job� no reports to hand in, it was just doing a never-ending job. I came to the conclusion very recently that there is something for me to do and I may just find it at Li-Hi and so I am here as an instrument. If it is nothing but to get in peoples way, change the tape and run a Dictaphone that will be it for the weekend but I am here for a reason. I was sitting here listening to a little bit of history and I just kept thinking if this was person if this was someone I was sponsoring I would say get a clue and do a 4 th Step. This program need to do, needs a 4 th Step in a big way(clapping) but I don't sponsor this program so you don't have to worry about that. I know there have been times when I have become real cynical about service and it usually is when it gets up there in the big leagues and I get real down on it sometimes. I am not a cynical person by nature, a smart ass maybe but not cynical and every time I get like that my faith and my hope and my optimism is restored when I do service for my home group. When I see, the newcomer and we pass around the phone list, and when we do extra hugs at the end of the meeting. When the low fuel light comes on in my car and �no� to the newcomer that I do not need any money to get you home, I do not need any money to pick you up. It is time for me to give it back and every time I get down, I get picked back up in my group. The area that I come from I love with all my heart. I was, in NA I was born and raised in Kalamazoo NA and it was the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me and then I moved to Lansing and it was even more beautiful. I understand that times, they are a changing in Kalamazoo and it hurts to hear what is going on and I still try now I feel like Pollyanna what you seek you will find. I listen , I have many friends in Kalamazoo and I listen to the ones *****, *****, ***** and I am like you are the same people who ***** and you don't do anything but *****. If they had an Ad Hoc ***** committee you would be top *****,�*****�. (Laughter)(Applause) I think those things, I think those things but hey okay I could not afford to be here and people were shocked that I was not going to the convention to the dance well go on without me. I keep thinking that this reminds me this is NA summer camp here and you know the trees and the woods and I am thinking as I see all the trees this is like a retreat. My sponsor is here and my trusted friends are here, the fireworks were here and harmonica is here and I said screw Michelob it just does not get any better than this. I am just so grateful for all the people I have met in this program and I am grateful for the pain that I have been through in service, because I have learned. That I know today that I have buried many many resentments but at any time I can pick them back up and then there are people that love to get me geeked on that. They just drop the all the have to say is MRSCNA and I am like that and you know I let it go and everyday I let it just stay where it is. I am just so thrilled to be here and I look forward to meeting and talking with some more of you in greater length because I have so many questions, so many questions. Just one big question mark walking around so thanks for helping me stay clean. (Applause)