todd
02-21-2008, 07:31 PM
Montgomery History Conference 1991
Tape 3-B
Speaker: Bill Beck
Hi my name is Bill Beck, I am an addict, hi Bill. Like we were talking last night, Bob and I have covered a lot of ground together. Part of my experience is that I was originally introduced to the program in 1956 in a penitentiary also by the little white book the little yellow book, what is it little yellow book turned white. Most of everything that I heard is about the way that I remember it. One of the things that I preface though by the Traditions is that you know prior to Alcoholics Anonymous there was a program called the Wastonians. AA does not like claim to the fact that the Wastonians was the founding group of AA. Then there were some people that I ran into from Tender Loving Care and they also came out of that original Radford Street Group but they kind of went off in another direction. See I am talking about that non-information area. I love the way Bob said that, how did you say that Bob, information or non-information right. Because I mean it is like how in the hell do you talk about this thing without schlucking over a little bit you know what I mean right. So those people you know and the reason why I bring that up is because in the last few years a whole bunch of little ******* pieces of paper like this have been filtering across my desk. From all over, the **** world and I do not know who write them or who is up to them but I have a sneaking opinion you know. Some of what I have actually investigated and found out that there was a little covert activity going on by some particular individuals, which has disturbed me through the years. Anyway, there is a set of Traditions and that set of Traditions bind me to not connect myself with any non-informational years. Now Tender Loving Care they went off to become Synonon and then there was another old guy that had a potential, had a little garage out in ( ) or San Fernando out there and they came up with this Addicts Anonymous but they did not practice any Traditions. Then again what do we do, do we go back and say that the founder of our organization is the founder of the Salvation Army whom Danny Carlson or whoever worked for? You know **** no we are not the Salvation Army. The Salvation Army has not a **** thing to do with Narcotics Anonymous, and neither does Tender Loving Care nor neither does any attempts of somebody going out to start an Addicts Anonymous. What has happened is that in a quest for knowledge people either knowingly or unknowingly subverted our Traditions. The very thing that made our program grow, prosper, and bring us to what we are today is the fact that when Jimmy Kinnon had his inspired dream and believe me he did. He shared it with me many years ago as he told Bob about the purposes and the directions of the fellowship. But he saw a program just like people who started Overeaters Anonymous and Gamblers Anonymous. They saw that dream and it was bound out of a Twelve Step philosophy we all know that. We are not even affiliated there we just work in cooperation there of. But he knew inherently that all these other attempts were bound to failure without the Traditions and isn't it strange that here today that after the man is dead and gone after so many years that it is the Traditions that protect him today and his position of being the founder of Narcotics Anonymous. First of all, it is the unity our common welfare comes first, personal recovery depends on it. If this ain't unity, I do not know what is. Then they talk about our group purpose, but one ultimate authority a loving God. Yes, certainly, God moves in mysterious ways through the group but one man went to some people and said hey man we need to have a group. It is like a preacher that goes and gets his flock together and the God moves through the church. Therefore, this man called the fellowship together and then in his humble experience of being who he was and believe me folks anybody who ever touched this man or got around him knew that they were in the presence of a very special being, a caring and unselfish person. It is like I doubt very seriously that there was very many days that there was not a knock on the door. In addition, I think Betty can probably attest to this, she probably lost a lot of sleep with him rattling around and starting the ******* coffee pot at two or three o'clock in the morning when that little side door would open up and you know. When the telephone calls would come in with the three hour lapse you know they thought it was one time over there you were suppose to be in the middle of your sleep time you know and they were on their way home from a meeting. Anyway, all that happened you know and so the Traditions say that we need never endorse or lend our name. So what does that mean that means no we are not connected to Tender Loving Care, we are not connected to Addicts Anonymous, and we are not connected? I do not give a **** about Life magazine we are not connected to the Salvation Army or Danny whomever. Fact is somebody I guess Bill Allen when he picked me up he asked me you ever hear of this name. I went yeah, yeah I think I heard that name somewhere but it was so insignificant that it passed in here and went out the other side and then as Bob was recalling it, I was going like oh yeah. But it did not have any business or relativity with us. So once we were called together, once this man called us together then and only then did we become a group conscience. One person is not the group but one person can call in the sheep if you understand what I am meaning and there in comes the founding. Now you have people that come to the first group, and this man being that humble individual that he was he just took an office like everybody else, and one time he was the chairman, another time he was secretary. Like Bob said he was by the door, the coffee maker, the hand shaker the hey come I will go out to the railroad tracks and look for sputnik with you (Laughter). At that point, **** he wanted a fellowship for himself, he was a heroin addict going to AA meetings man. He probably was scared to death because those mother****ers over there at Radford Street use to tell us to get out. I remember going there and Hey get out of our meeting. So that is how it happened and that is why I said last night that the answer was simple. We could put it to rest once and for all. Most of the history that I have heard is pretty good except I always wondered what happened to the real first convention as I watch this stuff. There was a convention prior to that that happened on Cuanga Blvd. in ah what the hell was it a VFW or American Legion Lodge (audience speaking inaudible) Well I could stand corrected but I was pretty sure it was the first. (Audience, no it was the second) yeah okay who remembers to long ago partner. Well maybe it was the second but I was pretty sure it was the first what difference does it make. At this point what difference does it make? All the rest of it really went sort of the way that Bob explained it. I could not have explained it any better.
Then we jumped up and went through the late 60s and NA was doing resurgence finally because I am one of those people like he says he did not get the, well **** I am a real hard. I mean it is like I was around for twelve years, I mean from 1956 to 1968 it is like in 1968. This guy told e you are not suppose to take anything, and I went nothing.(Laughter) I did not even remember riding my motorcycle into the meeting until Bob reminded me last night and I am like oh yeah right I did that. So how am I supposed to remember what year a ****ing convention was a hundred years ago right? But going back and looking at that period of time, I mean it was so fantastic man the beginnings of coming together and I think the term that was used at that time all the time was �NA is coming of age, NA is coming of age�. ******* I got off the airplane the other night and I asked somebody in the arrogant California way you know, hey how many meetings you got in this town. They told me three hundred and some odd, I went three hundred and I mean **** I was staggered man. I said well **** that is more meetings, this is like Philadelphia man, that is more meetings than they got in LA and San Diego put together. This is just one little town, **** it came of age but it was not where I grew up it was here (Laughter) and everywhere else. Then why because our founder talked on the phone all over God's creation. I never could figure out how that one lonely guy got in Australia man. He kept calling up; in fact, he still calling probably thinks that line is just busy (Laughter) you know. So then, we got up into the 70s and Jimmy began to rally back. See for years they thought he had emphysema and man this poor guy, this is the honest to God truth, he came to my Barber Shop trying to come in to get a haircut and he got that little thing taking two steps forward and one step back and then he is like courageous. He is still there in the end when he was dieing of cancer he was still there. The people still came like the moths to the light and the man was in pain man you could see it but his eyes shown man right to the very end. He gave of himself, he was in the hospital bed man and the family, and I mean if it were not for the family ****, there would have been a throng. I was privileged by the family to be able to be allowed to be some of the last people to, we had to keep the people away. Even then, as I sat in the hospital room with him all night he would not shut up. This guy you could not shut his mouth if the I mean the pain would get him a little while and he would look up and see me sitting in the chair and ******* he would start talking to me and I was like I don't think this guy will ever die, he is a immortal. Well as we know, he was a human being and he did have to go you know but he is here within all of us.
The 70s came and there was a birth of The Tree, a very strange thing happened then though I think this was kind of like the onset of that the fact that the program was really going to grow. The person that helped him writes this Tree, one of the major players, he did not show, and some other major players are not here. (audience. They just pulled in and are going to get some sleep)Anyway what happened at this particular time is that some people had kind of aspirations that they would grow up, get a job, take over the World Service Office and have some money come in and it did not happen and some feelings were really hurt. Then we had the calling together of a conference from the north and the south. See there was kind of a thing see around Jimmy was like Narcotics Anonymous, it was all about Narcotics Anonymous. Then there was a little click that happened over here and they sort if kind of made a separation. Like there was a little war and the reason why I share this story is that I think this is one of the things. I heard somebody say hey what are some of the same, what are some of the mistakes we do not need to make. This is one of them; the reason why I am going to tell this story is because it is what is permeating, and what has gone on. It is like the Martins and the McCoy's, the ******* war has not ended until today, we all get our sponsors, and we all have our grandfathers. Jimmy was not my sponsor. My sponsor was a crazy guy man that went around burning down houses and hitting people in the head and I thought that was the way the program worked. I thought **** this is what you do if the guy ****s with you, **** him up. So we went about ****ing up some people until I ran into Jimmy Kinnon and he said no, no the program is a set of principles written so simply that even I can apply in my life. You do not go around doing things like that, that is not the fellowship you know. I went oh I thought you got loaded for twelve years and then you went and kicked the **** out of the people that did not like the things you were doing. Like the cave man days, like my clan is stronger than your clan is. So if we did not do it with clubs we did it verbally, big mistake folks. So what happened then was that this thing was born, it became, and this thing became such an irritation to me. I am so glad that this man explained to me that this was not a program of violence but love and care. Because at this juncture I surely would have killed. (Laughter)
So I got a call and by this time I was on the BOT and I hold an illustrious position because I was probably the only guy that was on the BOT kicked off and then put back on. That was not only an honor but also a double honor. So although it has of humor it also has its point of seriousness and everything to it. I was called upon to carry a message to this conference. Now the conference was not to be about this, it had a little to do with, hey man can't we do something about this ****ing war. But you know what in good conscience under the name of ,�can't we do something about this war� we really came there to beat the **** out of each other. I mean everybody had their shields polished up and their swords. But this thing, we had a group conscience and we had a fellowship and the fellowship elected the trustees. The trustees were doing the best they could in a group conscience basis, but in that beginning of organization like Bob said, well like what the **** are we suppose to do man, so we must suppose to do something. I can remember us having discussions about what are we suppose to do. Well we are suppose to be the guardians of the Traditions obviously, but then what do you do. Hell there was only fifty or a hundred people in the fellowship; I mean it was not all like he said all this stuff flying around and you know. You could take care of business adequately out of the trunk of his car. So we said okay you are going to have a literature committee and you are going to have this committee and that committee. So this thing came by in concept like he said, Jimmy drew the thing we looked at it and said Yeah, all right geez it has been happening, man I am really glad somebody could tell us what it is we have been doing. Which is a fact, see so you we said this is what it is and we approve it and then we took it to the whole BOT and the trustees approve it? Now we went to this conference with this and you have to understand the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous had approved this. The click came, they had a lot of questions, and they did not want to approve it because there was a natural war going on. But I talked and I talked and I talked and every time it came up I said no you don't understand man, Narcotics Anonymous has voted they went to the next level they voted. This is it, this is the bonified whatever built into this structure allows us to change if we want to change it. These are the rules that we play by. At this juncture, what happened finally was that everybody went whew after these two days of hacking and hollering up there in San Luis Obispo ? I am sure, were you at that thing? So then, what happened when it was all over one man decided to say, �Screw what the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous wants, and screw what the other faction that was finally coming together wants�. He says �I am taking this out to the fellowship and that is what happened� and we had two or three of the most insane years and so obviously our conferences grew out of insanity and hurt feelings. I did not even realize, you know I mean I knew that there were these things and it hit me the other night as I was talking what had happened , what was wrong with that thing that happened back then. Only now after all these years the light bulb went on, I said Oh yeah the fellowship voted for this and the fellowship was going along with that and one ****ing guy got up and screwed the whole thing up.( Audience: who was that guy?) Greg Pierce.
Then what happened is that somebody moved up to Oregon and then there was phone calls, cause we were growing up there was splinter groups that were popping up all over the United States. But there were a lot of phone calls going on from Oregon all over and it was really weird. Because the next thing I am hearing about this senile old man who is running this office, that still cannot get the volunteers there to stuff envelopes and yeah there were some legitimate complaints about, hey I sent for my starter kit three months ago. Hey, you know what when there are 942 starter kits to start out and 1 guy who has to talk for six hours on the phone and six hours to somebody else. Then needs a couple hours sleep and he has got to go take a **** and he has got to drink his own cup of coffee and he is saying please, please won't somebody come over here and stuff envelopes. A few people made it over, and Fawn made it over and some other people made it over there and little by little. Then Bob would come and we would say we need the stuff in the back of the car you know. So the grew that way except these rumors started coming in from outside. There was some mis-information that was put out. It filtered into even the BOT, a couple of people had some RV's that began to go throughout the United States and so now this same kind of faction that we had been dealing with, the kind of split now began to happen over here from this area. Yet you had Narcotics Anonymous just kind of doing its thing and growing up. The thing that was sad about it is that as it went on it got really fairly nasty and then there were noises from some where in the southeast that if this person is all senile and this is why, I mean there is like a great distance. People were not really flying back and forth like, they are now and they were having this stuff. Oh well if maybe if one little old crazy old man sitting over in a closet then maybe we should get the World Service Office over here. I started hearing those things and we are going hey wait a minute whoa, whoa, you know. I mean even the trustees were not going for that man. Therefore, what do we call that controversy, but the old man was the protector of people because he said it is okay to have controversy inside of the program that is how we grow. We grew in spite of all of that. I am thumbnail sketching through this and then maybe I can back up and answer some particular questions or I will think of something else to say.
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But as it went into the 80s, you understand then came other crews out of the west that came in. I mean the structure is here and they are not coming in unity man, they are coming to do battle. That is why I finally stood up and said Jesus Christ man I refuse to business with deceit and dishonesty and covertness and I was really controversial for many years until I went and just literally hid from the insanity of it all because I will lay the **** right on the table. All the little covertness and I even taped certain people on tape. I call them on the telephone because I was privy and part of this and that. I taped them all and went to this conference and I told them and I told them, man if anybody wants to hear the truth look they are trying to run a coo on the old man and I had the old man listen to the tapes. Me and Doug F had to force him to listen to it because he did not want to hear it. He just wanted to believe in everybody. So I kind of resigned but then I watched this other thing. I watched the new breed of the 80s who had their sponsors who were out of the original click. Who said hey those guys are dirty mothers and they had all their people well trained and now you had the people over here from the south and from the east that are saying hey you know what man, we are dealing with senility, stupidity and inefficiency. I can understand people over here feeling that way because you write a letter and say hey we need a starter kit or whatever and you think what the big deal is. You know fold it, put it in an envelope, lick it put a stamp on it and it should be back in a week... But nobody had x-ray vision nobody knew, and as time grew up, but by this time you got all these camps and you got all these ****ing warriors. I mean I have even had people come to me man and tell me that are going to the conference, I am a warrior. I mean they go I AM A WARRIOR; they ain't going to get me man. (Laughter) I mean **** they are plotting and hatching their thing and got their seven people and calling in their vote. I mean **** man you would think we were Democrats and Republicans. Laughter) So now you got the most in sanest of the in sanest that absolved into the 80s with their squint eyes and their shields and their double swords and whole armies with them pervading in and they are all about, Hey man we are not going to let the east get us you know what I mean. Even more than that, we are going to whip the **** out of them old guys too. I am looking at that man, that is the time, and I said I am stepping back man I am going to take a 3D view of this. Because once again I am tuned in on hey man I think this is all about peace and care and love and not slaughtering your fellow cohorts. So obviously, we went through thing and wonder why we have a mess at the level at the WSO. Well the whole is there it will work. It will work if we as individuals go with love in our hearts, and that are willing to accept the group conscience that Bob alluded to. And forget all about hey we are going to fight this battle and we are going to fight that battle and we are going super impose our idea over your idea. Because you know this thing was really set up more or less to be like the old Indian council where everybody had a voice in it, you know what I mean. If we can do that and go forth in that framework and forgive those in the past that found it necessary for what reason whatever to deal in subterfuge and covertness and deception for their own purposes or to heal their own wounds or whatever it is. But to just go forth knowing hey that this fellowship was born up out of a fellowship of sick people and we have seen some of the pitfalls and each of us on an individual level refuse to be part of that again. You know one of the things I talked about a long time ago and probably should have done it because I can hear the voice ring in my ears and Bob told me well if that is what you think should be done why the hell don't you do it? But I experienced in my own life and some other things a lot of gossip and everything like that. You know there was a time when none of this stuff, no Basic Text, no nothing just a little pamphlet, the pamphlet is what got me. I use to call it a hip pocket program but **** man there were only two or three NA meetings and if you wanted to go to a meeting everyday you had to (Tape 4)
The meat was there it was good enough, that and the pamphlet were good enough for me, but I also read that **** 12 and 12 and in there in that one place where it talks about gossip and things like that and character assassination. It refers to character assassination as a polite form of murder. Now those are heavy words folks, and you see the passing parade although there are thousands and thousands of us. We can walk into conventions and there is four or five thousand, we were at a convention a few weeks ago and there were probably four or five thousand people there you know. But you know what the rooms I have seen through the years that I have been around there are even more of us that did not make it in the passing parade. It starts with those funny little stories at Denny's where we talk about each other. The people get their feelings hurt and then they do not come back and they go out to die, then we go to the Great War at the conference and we come back and tell these pitiful stories and the newcomer goes, ****. Then people get sued and they do whatever they want to do and law suits going on and the little lady from Florida says Jesus Christ what does the newcomer think about that. Isn't that what I heard you say last night man. It is like what the hell do we have to offer man, I mean new people coming in and all they hear all this stuff and go boy. I mean all I know man when I got clean I was not ready for that. It is like I had a hard time man when the guy is telling me, one you are powerless your life is unmanageable and I thought like yeah but I can handle this. What do you mean my life is unmanageable I can go rob a liquor store, I can go hit somebody over the head I can do a lot of things. I mean I just had a hard time understanding the basic concepts of recovery. So you see I think the big lesson that we have to realize and we do not come to go to war with anybody. It says until we give up fighting everything and everybody. I do not want to fight today. I will stand up and say the truth, as I know it. The way you observe it, you may see it different. That is fine, but truth is truth from wherever I stand and if you do the same thing maybe you will be a survivor for as long as me, or Bob. I mean he still lights my candle I still look at him and go wow man the guy has been here forever. I hope I can make it forever, you know. So that is to me the big message out of the 70s. Forget going to war, forget trying to be manipulators and con artists and just be part of the ******* fellowship and love. Because the basic job is done, all we got to do is kick back and do what we are supposed to do. That is very hard for addicts to do what they are supposed to do. I mean I did not do it all my life and all of a sudden, I am in a fellowship and suppose to do what I am supposed to do. But it is that simple is not it. That is what I said last night; the root of the problem is in simplicity, not in complicated things. Most of you know what bull**** is when you hear bull****. You get a feeling when something is wrong. The guy is driving me from the airport and he goes yeah everything is going, but I knew something was wrong. Some little piece, something is out of kilter man. I mean it is like trying to put a square peg in a round hole you see. You measure all the distances and say well it should fit, except it does not fit. So it is incumbent upon each of us to practice our own principles. To become human beings of love in the spirit of God because that is what this program is all about. You cannot soft petal it we did not come here to learn how to be warriors. We did not come here to be corporate executives. We did not come here to learn anything except to experience because even this program is not a program of learning it is a thing of experiencing. Then we get up to the 12 th Step and the 12 th Step says having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. Which means it is all about between one and eleven and we try to carry the message. It does not even say we did it says we just try. So you know at the level of these conferences and the level of these personal confrontations and trying to beat the system we are in error. At the level at what is happening here today our common welfare should come first. Our personal recovery depends on NA unity. Isn't that why we are all here in this room today? That is why I came clear across the United States , because I felt that this was a message that needed to be carried. To me it is that simple, nine thousand ******* pages of ****, you know what I did with all mines, and I threw it out because every time I read it, it made my head hurt. Now they invite me to go in, look at it again, and then send it to me from all over Gods creation. This paper, that paper, I look at it and go, oh God file X. Somebody says can I come over and talk to you about the things that came. There are some real researchers over in my area. I go sure you can come over. You want to come over and talk come on over and we will talk about it and then I start thinking where is my Tylenol, we are going to go through this **** one more time. So you know what, the man came. The man carried a dream. He born us, he brought us to maturity and he went away. From the very first day that the first meeting happened then the records came. Minutes from this meeting, minutes of that meeting, minutes of the conference and surely surely it is interesting to some people, but to most people it is dry and boring ****. I mean you can see at the convention five thousand people showed up, at the history thing, look around what representation for this mighty nation. There ain't that many people that give a **** except at the level it goes out from here and we carry the story. Hey, man we cannot go out there and kill our brothers and sisters. I am a curious one. I like to read history books, I mean I remember when someone handed me years and years ago NA Comes of Age and I read it with all undue interest. Someday surely, we will have a book and probably will not be called NA Comes of Age, but then again do not be surprised if it is. See and there comes all the history. That is what all this stuff is about, it ain't about the war, let us put it to rest man. We got a founder; we are stuck with him whether you liked him whether you did not like him. Personally, I loved the **** out of him. Somebody gave me a picture when he died, he came out here for a convention and I guess he is riding on a tugboat or ferry or something and he is leaning against the thing talking to some people and as the boat goes by somebody takes a picture of him as the thing sails by the Statue of Liberty. I went and got the son of *****es blown up this big and I hung it on my office wall. I look and talk to the old man all the time, you know well it is just a picture man but I like to think it is a spirit you know. Makes me feel good, makes me remember because he gave me such pearls of wisdom. I can remember one night being there and I had been out screaming in the street holding my nuts for some ungodly reason. Probably another broken relationship and somebody that I was sponsoring put me in the car and took me to Jimmy Kinnons house. He laid me up on the couch and yelled at me to shut up that there were other people living in this house. You know and I kept screaming so he, you have to know this guy man if you ever see a picture he had these ungodly hands. Probably from being, a roofer all big swollen funny fingers bony, and he starts beating on my chest and I thought God he is trying to kill me man he wants me to shut up so bad. It hurt man, oh God it hurt. Finally I shut my mouth and he looks me right in the eye and he said its all right Bill, it will be worse next time. (Laughter) With that I went (scream) and that was the last utterance for that time, and the next thing I know it was worse, but I did not have to go out in the streets and hold my nuts and scream at the moon, because I was afraid that, old man would beat the **** out of me again.
Anyway, you see there is some real seriousness about it. There is some humor about it. I am real happy to be here and share that part of the story. I hope it was meaningful to you. As far as the history and the archives, I have to hand that over with respect. He said two or three years to me it seemed like forever and I will bet you anything that if you go out and looked in his car I bet you are going to find a little box out there all stuffed with this ****. Garage full now right and Betty has a garage full. There is a whole room full over there, that book is going to come along and then the next book that is going to come along is going to be something like �The Jimmy I Knew�. Then there is going to be a historical thing about the history I mean it is just bound to come out, it cannot not come out and I think that maybe this is part of what this kind of thing is leading up to be. Because my eye, who the hell am I? I am just another member of Narcotics Anonymous. If you went back and rolled it back to the early 60s or something and you would have ask me how it was going to happen, I would have told them **** I am going to write it the book. You know what I was seriously attempting to write the book. I had a thesaurus's and the big book man and I was changing all the words. I said I am going to do it this way so they cannot call it plagiarism. But God it was a long, tedious, and gregarious job I was like already years into this and everybody grew up and beat me to it. So what did I know? Besides that when I read the **** that I wrote it did not make any since anyway because when you change those words like that and try to put it in context with other changed words it looks strange. So obviously, God was not ready for me to carry that part of the message man. So it is happening it is absolving the hurt feelings have to be let go. The attacking has to be let go. Whoever's toes were stepped on in the past; hey of you hear them talk if it is the truth the truth will prevail. If it is caca hey, man let it go in one ear and out the other. It is no different than when you are sitting in a regular meeting and you hear people come into a meeting man and you hear them talking long caca. For those of you that may not have the Spanish influence that we have from LA. I mean ****, my sponsor told me hey you interpret everything by your understanding of the steps and that is valid. So you have to go, you have to go with what is in your heart, you have to go with what you know is right. You have to go with the truth and the knowledge there of. How do I know that Jimmy Kinnon's inspired vision about maybe he read that article where the name Narcotic, but what it is man is like we is. We are an organization with a set of Traditions the other stuff was not related it is without our scope. We do not even have, at the level of our program; we do not even have any business paying attention to it at all because it diverts us from our primary purpose you see. So the old subterfuge, the covertness about it the people who have lead us to the point of having us look in the wrong direction you know what I mean. They had me going for it for a while. Then I said now wait a minute. Our program is a program, a set of principles written so simply that I can practice them in my life. That includes the Twelve Steps and the Twelve Traditions. My program doe not include anything that does not embrace the Twelve Traditions and if it gets to the point where it is happening at the WSO, **** I will divorce them too man, you understand. The fellowship can boycott them, I am not calling for a boycott you understand, and no, I am not calling for a boycott. Right is right and I was apart of that mechanism for a lot of years. The general intent is all there in the guidelines, it is laid out to work properly, and we have to put or trust in our group conscience and let it be the way that it be. Then we also have to be smart enough to know that we can do anything we want to do, the people are trying to do except you have to do it in the right way. It is like Jimmy Kinnon told me years ago. He said, hey man you want to have a Tuesday night group you can print you own literature for the Tuesday night group if you want to do that. You can put approved Tuesday night meeting you know what I mean. Then if everybody wants to come and get some of that because they like it and it eventually finds it way to a floor. It may in fact eventually become approved NA material, but you don't go and take something that is copyrighted and change it, because you might wind up in a legal difuelty, you know what I mean. Just alter it a little bit, change it a little bit, slap a new cover on it, we need more literature I mean that is not the end of it. Jesus Christ anybody ever pick up a Hazelden catalog lately. Christ it is a manuscript within itself. There is a need for more literature; we need our own Twelve Step Book you know. Obviously, we do not need a Bottles and Stools book but you know what is the matter with a snorting and joint book or something. You do not stick your finger up your ass with morphine suppositories or whatever it is man it is like we have a need for it you know. So if we put our attention to our needs other than trying to superimpose ourselves on each other and work in unity towards the betterment of the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. How can we not, not succeed? I am not saying anymore that Narcotics Anonymous is coming of age. I am saying that Narcotics Anonymous has come of age and it ain't never going to be stopped so the time of the war has to be over, it just has to. It has to carry on a loving fellowship in the hand has to be there outstretched to the new person that comes in. For God sakes folks let do not grab them by the hand and take them into battle. Thank you. (Applause)
Tape 3-B
Speaker: Bill Beck
Hi my name is Bill Beck, I am an addict, hi Bill. Like we were talking last night, Bob and I have covered a lot of ground together. Part of my experience is that I was originally introduced to the program in 1956 in a penitentiary also by the little white book the little yellow book, what is it little yellow book turned white. Most of everything that I heard is about the way that I remember it. One of the things that I preface though by the Traditions is that you know prior to Alcoholics Anonymous there was a program called the Wastonians. AA does not like claim to the fact that the Wastonians was the founding group of AA. Then there were some people that I ran into from Tender Loving Care and they also came out of that original Radford Street Group but they kind of went off in another direction. See I am talking about that non-information area. I love the way Bob said that, how did you say that Bob, information or non-information right. Because I mean it is like how in the hell do you talk about this thing without schlucking over a little bit you know what I mean right. So those people you know and the reason why I bring that up is because in the last few years a whole bunch of little ******* pieces of paper like this have been filtering across my desk. From all over, the **** world and I do not know who write them or who is up to them but I have a sneaking opinion you know. Some of what I have actually investigated and found out that there was a little covert activity going on by some particular individuals, which has disturbed me through the years. Anyway, there is a set of Traditions and that set of Traditions bind me to not connect myself with any non-informational years. Now Tender Loving Care they went off to become Synonon and then there was another old guy that had a potential, had a little garage out in ( ) or San Fernando out there and they came up with this Addicts Anonymous but they did not practice any Traditions. Then again what do we do, do we go back and say that the founder of our organization is the founder of the Salvation Army whom Danny Carlson or whoever worked for? You know **** no we are not the Salvation Army. The Salvation Army has not a **** thing to do with Narcotics Anonymous, and neither does Tender Loving Care nor neither does any attempts of somebody going out to start an Addicts Anonymous. What has happened is that in a quest for knowledge people either knowingly or unknowingly subverted our Traditions. The very thing that made our program grow, prosper, and bring us to what we are today is the fact that when Jimmy Kinnon had his inspired dream and believe me he did. He shared it with me many years ago as he told Bob about the purposes and the directions of the fellowship. But he saw a program just like people who started Overeaters Anonymous and Gamblers Anonymous. They saw that dream and it was bound out of a Twelve Step philosophy we all know that. We are not even affiliated there we just work in cooperation there of. But he knew inherently that all these other attempts were bound to failure without the Traditions and isn't it strange that here today that after the man is dead and gone after so many years that it is the Traditions that protect him today and his position of being the founder of Narcotics Anonymous. First of all, it is the unity our common welfare comes first, personal recovery depends on it. If this ain't unity, I do not know what is. Then they talk about our group purpose, but one ultimate authority a loving God. Yes, certainly, God moves in mysterious ways through the group but one man went to some people and said hey man we need to have a group. It is like a preacher that goes and gets his flock together and the God moves through the church. Therefore, this man called the fellowship together and then in his humble experience of being who he was and believe me folks anybody who ever touched this man or got around him knew that they were in the presence of a very special being, a caring and unselfish person. It is like I doubt very seriously that there was very many days that there was not a knock on the door. In addition, I think Betty can probably attest to this, she probably lost a lot of sleep with him rattling around and starting the ******* coffee pot at two or three o'clock in the morning when that little side door would open up and you know. When the telephone calls would come in with the three hour lapse you know they thought it was one time over there you were suppose to be in the middle of your sleep time you know and they were on their way home from a meeting. Anyway, all that happened you know and so the Traditions say that we need never endorse or lend our name. So what does that mean that means no we are not connected to Tender Loving Care, we are not connected to Addicts Anonymous, and we are not connected? I do not give a **** about Life magazine we are not connected to the Salvation Army or Danny whomever. Fact is somebody I guess Bill Allen when he picked me up he asked me you ever hear of this name. I went yeah, yeah I think I heard that name somewhere but it was so insignificant that it passed in here and went out the other side and then as Bob was recalling it, I was going like oh yeah. But it did not have any business or relativity with us. So once we were called together, once this man called us together then and only then did we become a group conscience. One person is not the group but one person can call in the sheep if you understand what I am meaning and there in comes the founding. Now you have people that come to the first group, and this man being that humble individual that he was he just took an office like everybody else, and one time he was the chairman, another time he was secretary. Like Bob said he was by the door, the coffee maker, the hand shaker the hey come I will go out to the railroad tracks and look for sputnik with you (Laughter). At that point, **** he wanted a fellowship for himself, he was a heroin addict going to AA meetings man. He probably was scared to death because those mother****ers over there at Radford Street use to tell us to get out. I remember going there and Hey get out of our meeting. So that is how it happened and that is why I said last night that the answer was simple. We could put it to rest once and for all. Most of the history that I have heard is pretty good except I always wondered what happened to the real first convention as I watch this stuff. There was a convention prior to that that happened on Cuanga Blvd. in ah what the hell was it a VFW or American Legion Lodge (audience speaking inaudible) Well I could stand corrected but I was pretty sure it was the first. (Audience, no it was the second) yeah okay who remembers to long ago partner. Well maybe it was the second but I was pretty sure it was the first what difference does it make. At this point what difference does it make? All the rest of it really went sort of the way that Bob explained it. I could not have explained it any better.
Then we jumped up and went through the late 60s and NA was doing resurgence finally because I am one of those people like he says he did not get the, well **** I am a real hard. I mean it is like I was around for twelve years, I mean from 1956 to 1968 it is like in 1968. This guy told e you are not suppose to take anything, and I went nothing.(Laughter) I did not even remember riding my motorcycle into the meeting until Bob reminded me last night and I am like oh yeah right I did that. So how am I supposed to remember what year a ****ing convention was a hundred years ago right? But going back and looking at that period of time, I mean it was so fantastic man the beginnings of coming together and I think the term that was used at that time all the time was �NA is coming of age, NA is coming of age�. ******* I got off the airplane the other night and I asked somebody in the arrogant California way you know, hey how many meetings you got in this town. They told me three hundred and some odd, I went three hundred and I mean **** I was staggered man. I said well **** that is more meetings, this is like Philadelphia man, that is more meetings than they got in LA and San Diego put together. This is just one little town, **** it came of age but it was not where I grew up it was here (Laughter) and everywhere else. Then why because our founder talked on the phone all over God's creation. I never could figure out how that one lonely guy got in Australia man. He kept calling up; in fact, he still calling probably thinks that line is just busy (Laughter) you know. So then, we got up into the 70s and Jimmy began to rally back. See for years they thought he had emphysema and man this poor guy, this is the honest to God truth, he came to my Barber Shop trying to come in to get a haircut and he got that little thing taking two steps forward and one step back and then he is like courageous. He is still there in the end when he was dieing of cancer he was still there. The people still came like the moths to the light and the man was in pain man you could see it but his eyes shown man right to the very end. He gave of himself, he was in the hospital bed man and the family, and I mean if it were not for the family ****, there would have been a throng. I was privileged by the family to be able to be allowed to be some of the last people to, we had to keep the people away. Even then, as I sat in the hospital room with him all night he would not shut up. This guy you could not shut his mouth if the I mean the pain would get him a little while and he would look up and see me sitting in the chair and ******* he would start talking to me and I was like I don't think this guy will ever die, he is a immortal. Well as we know, he was a human being and he did have to go you know but he is here within all of us.
The 70s came and there was a birth of The Tree, a very strange thing happened then though I think this was kind of like the onset of that the fact that the program was really going to grow. The person that helped him writes this Tree, one of the major players, he did not show, and some other major players are not here. (audience. They just pulled in and are going to get some sleep)Anyway what happened at this particular time is that some people had kind of aspirations that they would grow up, get a job, take over the World Service Office and have some money come in and it did not happen and some feelings were really hurt. Then we had the calling together of a conference from the north and the south. See there was kind of a thing see around Jimmy was like Narcotics Anonymous, it was all about Narcotics Anonymous. Then there was a little click that happened over here and they sort if kind of made a separation. Like there was a little war and the reason why I share this story is that I think this is one of the things. I heard somebody say hey what are some of the same, what are some of the mistakes we do not need to make. This is one of them; the reason why I am going to tell this story is because it is what is permeating, and what has gone on. It is like the Martins and the McCoy's, the ******* war has not ended until today, we all get our sponsors, and we all have our grandfathers. Jimmy was not my sponsor. My sponsor was a crazy guy man that went around burning down houses and hitting people in the head and I thought that was the way the program worked. I thought **** this is what you do if the guy ****s with you, **** him up. So we went about ****ing up some people until I ran into Jimmy Kinnon and he said no, no the program is a set of principles written so simply that even I can apply in my life. You do not go around doing things like that, that is not the fellowship you know. I went oh I thought you got loaded for twelve years and then you went and kicked the **** out of the people that did not like the things you were doing. Like the cave man days, like my clan is stronger than your clan is. So if we did not do it with clubs we did it verbally, big mistake folks. So what happened then was that this thing was born, it became, and this thing became such an irritation to me. I am so glad that this man explained to me that this was not a program of violence but love and care. Because at this juncture I surely would have killed. (Laughter)
So I got a call and by this time I was on the BOT and I hold an illustrious position because I was probably the only guy that was on the BOT kicked off and then put back on. That was not only an honor but also a double honor. So although it has of humor it also has its point of seriousness and everything to it. I was called upon to carry a message to this conference. Now the conference was not to be about this, it had a little to do with, hey man can't we do something about this ****ing war. But you know what in good conscience under the name of ,�can't we do something about this war� we really came there to beat the **** out of each other. I mean everybody had their shields polished up and their swords. But this thing, we had a group conscience and we had a fellowship and the fellowship elected the trustees. The trustees were doing the best they could in a group conscience basis, but in that beginning of organization like Bob said, well like what the **** are we suppose to do man, so we must suppose to do something. I can remember us having discussions about what are we suppose to do. Well we are suppose to be the guardians of the Traditions obviously, but then what do you do. Hell there was only fifty or a hundred people in the fellowship; I mean it was not all like he said all this stuff flying around and you know. You could take care of business adequately out of the trunk of his car. So we said okay you are going to have a literature committee and you are going to have this committee and that committee. So this thing came by in concept like he said, Jimmy drew the thing we looked at it and said Yeah, all right geez it has been happening, man I am really glad somebody could tell us what it is we have been doing. Which is a fact, see so you we said this is what it is and we approve it and then we took it to the whole BOT and the trustees approve it? Now we went to this conference with this and you have to understand the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous had approved this. The click came, they had a lot of questions, and they did not want to approve it because there was a natural war going on. But I talked and I talked and I talked and every time it came up I said no you don't understand man, Narcotics Anonymous has voted they went to the next level they voted. This is it, this is the bonified whatever built into this structure allows us to change if we want to change it. These are the rules that we play by. At this juncture, what happened finally was that everybody went whew after these two days of hacking and hollering up there in San Luis Obispo ? I am sure, were you at that thing? So then, what happened when it was all over one man decided to say, �Screw what the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous wants, and screw what the other faction that was finally coming together wants�. He says �I am taking this out to the fellowship and that is what happened� and we had two or three of the most insane years and so obviously our conferences grew out of insanity and hurt feelings. I did not even realize, you know I mean I knew that there were these things and it hit me the other night as I was talking what had happened , what was wrong with that thing that happened back then. Only now after all these years the light bulb went on, I said Oh yeah the fellowship voted for this and the fellowship was going along with that and one ****ing guy got up and screwed the whole thing up.( Audience: who was that guy?) Greg Pierce.
Then what happened is that somebody moved up to Oregon and then there was phone calls, cause we were growing up there was splinter groups that were popping up all over the United States. But there were a lot of phone calls going on from Oregon all over and it was really weird. Because the next thing I am hearing about this senile old man who is running this office, that still cannot get the volunteers there to stuff envelopes and yeah there were some legitimate complaints about, hey I sent for my starter kit three months ago. Hey, you know what when there are 942 starter kits to start out and 1 guy who has to talk for six hours on the phone and six hours to somebody else. Then needs a couple hours sleep and he has got to go take a **** and he has got to drink his own cup of coffee and he is saying please, please won't somebody come over here and stuff envelopes. A few people made it over, and Fawn made it over and some other people made it over there and little by little. Then Bob would come and we would say we need the stuff in the back of the car you know. So the grew that way except these rumors started coming in from outside. There was some mis-information that was put out. It filtered into even the BOT, a couple of people had some RV's that began to go throughout the United States and so now this same kind of faction that we had been dealing with, the kind of split now began to happen over here from this area. Yet you had Narcotics Anonymous just kind of doing its thing and growing up. The thing that was sad about it is that as it went on it got really fairly nasty and then there were noises from some where in the southeast that if this person is all senile and this is why, I mean there is like a great distance. People were not really flying back and forth like, they are now and they were having this stuff. Oh well if maybe if one little old crazy old man sitting over in a closet then maybe we should get the World Service Office over here. I started hearing those things and we are going hey wait a minute whoa, whoa, you know. I mean even the trustees were not going for that man. Therefore, what do we call that controversy, but the old man was the protector of people because he said it is okay to have controversy inside of the program that is how we grow. We grew in spite of all of that. I am thumbnail sketching through this and then maybe I can back up and answer some particular questions or I will think of something else to say.
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But as it went into the 80s, you understand then came other crews out of the west that came in. I mean the structure is here and they are not coming in unity man, they are coming to do battle. That is why I finally stood up and said Jesus Christ man I refuse to business with deceit and dishonesty and covertness and I was really controversial for many years until I went and just literally hid from the insanity of it all because I will lay the **** right on the table. All the little covertness and I even taped certain people on tape. I call them on the telephone because I was privy and part of this and that. I taped them all and went to this conference and I told them and I told them, man if anybody wants to hear the truth look they are trying to run a coo on the old man and I had the old man listen to the tapes. Me and Doug F had to force him to listen to it because he did not want to hear it. He just wanted to believe in everybody. So I kind of resigned but then I watched this other thing. I watched the new breed of the 80s who had their sponsors who were out of the original click. Who said hey those guys are dirty mothers and they had all their people well trained and now you had the people over here from the south and from the east that are saying hey you know what man, we are dealing with senility, stupidity and inefficiency. I can understand people over here feeling that way because you write a letter and say hey we need a starter kit or whatever and you think what the big deal is. You know fold it, put it in an envelope, lick it put a stamp on it and it should be back in a week... But nobody had x-ray vision nobody knew, and as time grew up, but by this time you got all these camps and you got all these ****ing warriors. I mean I have even had people come to me man and tell me that are going to the conference, I am a warrior. I mean they go I AM A WARRIOR; they ain't going to get me man. (Laughter) I mean **** they are plotting and hatching their thing and got their seven people and calling in their vote. I mean **** man you would think we were Democrats and Republicans. Laughter) So now you got the most in sanest of the in sanest that absolved into the 80s with their squint eyes and their shields and their double swords and whole armies with them pervading in and they are all about, Hey man we are not going to let the east get us you know what I mean. Even more than that, we are going to whip the **** out of them old guys too. I am looking at that man, that is the time, and I said I am stepping back man I am going to take a 3D view of this. Because once again I am tuned in on hey man I think this is all about peace and care and love and not slaughtering your fellow cohorts. So obviously, we went through thing and wonder why we have a mess at the level at the WSO. Well the whole is there it will work. It will work if we as individuals go with love in our hearts, and that are willing to accept the group conscience that Bob alluded to. And forget all about hey we are going to fight this battle and we are going to fight that battle and we are going super impose our idea over your idea. Because you know this thing was really set up more or less to be like the old Indian council where everybody had a voice in it, you know what I mean. If we can do that and go forth in that framework and forgive those in the past that found it necessary for what reason whatever to deal in subterfuge and covertness and deception for their own purposes or to heal their own wounds or whatever it is. But to just go forth knowing hey that this fellowship was born up out of a fellowship of sick people and we have seen some of the pitfalls and each of us on an individual level refuse to be part of that again. You know one of the things I talked about a long time ago and probably should have done it because I can hear the voice ring in my ears and Bob told me well if that is what you think should be done why the hell don't you do it? But I experienced in my own life and some other things a lot of gossip and everything like that. You know there was a time when none of this stuff, no Basic Text, no nothing just a little pamphlet, the pamphlet is what got me. I use to call it a hip pocket program but **** man there were only two or three NA meetings and if you wanted to go to a meeting everyday you had to (Tape 4)
The meat was there it was good enough, that and the pamphlet were good enough for me, but I also read that **** 12 and 12 and in there in that one place where it talks about gossip and things like that and character assassination. It refers to character assassination as a polite form of murder. Now those are heavy words folks, and you see the passing parade although there are thousands and thousands of us. We can walk into conventions and there is four or five thousand, we were at a convention a few weeks ago and there were probably four or five thousand people there you know. But you know what the rooms I have seen through the years that I have been around there are even more of us that did not make it in the passing parade. It starts with those funny little stories at Denny's where we talk about each other. The people get their feelings hurt and then they do not come back and they go out to die, then we go to the Great War at the conference and we come back and tell these pitiful stories and the newcomer goes, ****. Then people get sued and they do whatever they want to do and law suits going on and the little lady from Florida says Jesus Christ what does the newcomer think about that. Isn't that what I heard you say last night man. It is like what the hell do we have to offer man, I mean new people coming in and all they hear all this stuff and go boy. I mean all I know man when I got clean I was not ready for that. It is like I had a hard time man when the guy is telling me, one you are powerless your life is unmanageable and I thought like yeah but I can handle this. What do you mean my life is unmanageable I can go rob a liquor store, I can go hit somebody over the head I can do a lot of things. I mean I just had a hard time understanding the basic concepts of recovery. So you see I think the big lesson that we have to realize and we do not come to go to war with anybody. It says until we give up fighting everything and everybody. I do not want to fight today. I will stand up and say the truth, as I know it. The way you observe it, you may see it different. That is fine, but truth is truth from wherever I stand and if you do the same thing maybe you will be a survivor for as long as me, or Bob. I mean he still lights my candle I still look at him and go wow man the guy has been here forever. I hope I can make it forever, you know. So that is to me the big message out of the 70s. Forget going to war, forget trying to be manipulators and con artists and just be part of the ******* fellowship and love. Because the basic job is done, all we got to do is kick back and do what we are supposed to do. That is very hard for addicts to do what they are supposed to do. I mean I did not do it all my life and all of a sudden, I am in a fellowship and suppose to do what I am supposed to do. But it is that simple is not it. That is what I said last night; the root of the problem is in simplicity, not in complicated things. Most of you know what bull**** is when you hear bull****. You get a feeling when something is wrong. The guy is driving me from the airport and he goes yeah everything is going, but I knew something was wrong. Some little piece, something is out of kilter man. I mean it is like trying to put a square peg in a round hole you see. You measure all the distances and say well it should fit, except it does not fit. So it is incumbent upon each of us to practice our own principles. To become human beings of love in the spirit of God because that is what this program is all about. You cannot soft petal it we did not come here to learn how to be warriors. We did not come here to be corporate executives. We did not come here to learn anything except to experience because even this program is not a program of learning it is a thing of experiencing. Then we get up to the 12 th Step and the 12 th Step says having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. Which means it is all about between one and eleven and we try to carry the message. It does not even say we did it says we just try. So you know at the level of these conferences and the level of these personal confrontations and trying to beat the system we are in error. At the level at what is happening here today our common welfare should come first. Our personal recovery depends on NA unity. Isn't that why we are all here in this room today? That is why I came clear across the United States , because I felt that this was a message that needed to be carried. To me it is that simple, nine thousand ******* pages of ****, you know what I did with all mines, and I threw it out because every time I read it, it made my head hurt. Now they invite me to go in, look at it again, and then send it to me from all over Gods creation. This paper, that paper, I look at it and go, oh God file X. Somebody says can I come over and talk to you about the things that came. There are some real researchers over in my area. I go sure you can come over. You want to come over and talk come on over and we will talk about it and then I start thinking where is my Tylenol, we are going to go through this **** one more time. So you know what, the man came. The man carried a dream. He born us, he brought us to maturity and he went away. From the very first day that the first meeting happened then the records came. Minutes from this meeting, minutes of that meeting, minutes of the conference and surely surely it is interesting to some people, but to most people it is dry and boring ****. I mean you can see at the convention five thousand people showed up, at the history thing, look around what representation for this mighty nation. There ain't that many people that give a **** except at the level it goes out from here and we carry the story. Hey, man we cannot go out there and kill our brothers and sisters. I am a curious one. I like to read history books, I mean I remember when someone handed me years and years ago NA Comes of Age and I read it with all undue interest. Someday surely, we will have a book and probably will not be called NA Comes of Age, but then again do not be surprised if it is. See and there comes all the history. That is what all this stuff is about, it ain't about the war, let us put it to rest man. We got a founder; we are stuck with him whether you liked him whether you did not like him. Personally, I loved the **** out of him. Somebody gave me a picture when he died, he came out here for a convention and I guess he is riding on a tugboat or ferry or something and he is leaning against the thing talking to some people and as the boat goes by somebody takes a picture of him as the thing sails by the Statue of Liberty. I went and got the son of *****es blown up this big and I hung it on my office wall. I look and talk to the old man all the time, you know well it is just a picture man but I like to think it is a spirit you know. Makes me feel good, makes me remember because he gave me such pearls of wisdom. I can remember one night being there and I had been out screaming in the street holding my nuts for some ungodly reason. Probably another broken relationship and somebody that I was sponsoring put me in the car and took me to Jimmy Kinnons house. He laid me up on the couch and yelled at me to shut up that there were other people living in this house. You know and I kept screaming so he, you have to know this guy man if you ever see a picture he had these ungodly hands. Probably from being, a roofer all big swollen funny fingers bony, and he starts beating on my chest and I thought God he is trying to kill me man he wants me to shut up so bad. It hurt man, oh God it hurt. Finally I shut my mouth and he looks me right in the eye and he said its all right Bill, it will be worse next time. (Laughter) With that I went (scream) and that was the last utterance for that time, and the next thing I know it was worse, but I did not have to go out in the streets and hold my nuts and scream at the moon, because I was afraid that, old man would beat the **** out of me again.
Anyway, you see there is some real seriousness about it. There is some humor about it. I am real happy to be here and share that part of the story. I hope it was meaningful to you. As far as the history and the archives, I have to hand that over with respect. He said two or three years to me it seemed like forever and I will bet you anything that if you go out and looked in his car I bet you are going to find a little box out there all stuffed with this ****. Garage full now right and Betty has a garage full. There is a whole room full over there, that book is going to come along and then the next book that is going to come along is going to be something like �The Jimmy I Knew�. Then there is going to be a historical thing about the history I mean it is just bound to come out, it cannot not come out and I think that maybe this is part of what this kind of thing is leading up to be. Because my eye, who the hell am I? I am just another member of Narcotics Anonymous. If you went back and rolled it back to the early 60s or something and you would have ask me how it was going to happen, I would have told them **** I am going to write it the book. You know what I was seriously attempting to write the book. I had a thesaurus's and the big book man and I was changing all the words. I said I am going to do it this way so they cannot call it plagiarism. But God it was a long, tedious, and gregarious job I was like already years into this and everybody grew up and beat me to it. So what did I know? Besides that when I read the **** that I wrote it did not make any since anyway because when you change those words like that and try to put it in context with other changed words it looks strange. So obviously, God was not ready for me to carry that part of the message man. So it is happening it is absolving the hurt feelings have to be let go. The attacking has to be let go. Whoever's toes were stepped on in the past; hey of you hear them talk if it is the truth the truth will prevail. If it is caca hey, man let it go in one ear and out the other. It is no different than when you are sitting in a regular meeting and you hear people come into a meeting man and you hear them talking long caca. For those of you that may not have the Spanish influence that we have from LA. I mean ****, my sponsor told me hey you interpret everything by your understanding of the steps and that is valid. So you have to go, you have to go with what is in your heart, you have to go with what you know is right. You have to go with the truth and the knowledge there of. How do I know that Jimmy Kinnon's inspired vision about maybe he read that article where the name Narcotic, but what it is man is like we is. We are an organization with a set of Traditions the other stuff was not related it is without our scope. We do not even have, at the level of our program; we do not even have any business paying attention to it at all because it diverts us from our primary purpose you see. So the old subterfuge, the covertness about it the people who have lead us to the point of having us look in the wrong direction you know what I mean. They had me going for it for a while. Then I said now wait a minute. Our program is a program, a set of principles written so simply that I can practice them in my life. That includes the Twelve Steps and the Twelve Traditions. My program doe not include anything that does not embrace the Twelve Traditions and if it gets to the point where it is happening at the WSO, **** I will divorce them too man, you understand. The fellowship can boycott them, I am not calling for a boycott you understand, and no, I am not calling for a boycott. Right is right and I was apart of that mechanism for a lot of years. The general intent is all there in the guidelines, it is laid out to work properly, and we have to put or trust in our group conscience and let it be the way that it be. Then we also have to be smart enough to know that we can do anything we want to do, the people are trying to do except you have to do it in the right way. It is like Jimmy Kinnon told me years ago. He said, hey man you want to have a Tuesday night group you can print you own literature for the Tuesday night group if you want to do that. You can put approved Tuesday night meeting you know what I mean. Then if everybody wants to come and get some of that because they like it and it eventually finds it way to a floor. It may in fact eventually become approved NA material, but you don't go and take something that is copyrighted and change it, because you might wind up in a legal difuelty, you know what I mean. Just alter it a little bit, change it a little bit, slap a new cover on it, we need more literature I mean that is not the end of it. Jesus Christ anybody ever pick up a Hazelden catalog lately. Christ it is a manuscript within itself. There is a need for more literature; we need our own Twelve Step Book you know. Obviously, we do not need a Bottles and Stools book but you know what is the matter with a snorting and joint book or something. You do not stick your finger up your ass with morphine suppositories or whatever it is man it is like we have a need for it you know. So if we put our attention to our needs other than trying to superimpose ourselves on each other and work in unity towards the betterment of the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. How can we not, not succeed? I am not saying anymore that Narcotics Anonymous is coming of age. I am saying that Narcotics Anonymous has come of age and it ain't never going to be stopped so the time of the war has to be over, it just has to. It has to carry on a loving fellowship in the hand has to be there outstretched to the new person that comes in. For God sakes folks let do not grab them by the hand and take them into battle. Thank you. (Applause)