Etiquette Outside Of Meetings

[rosebud]

Okay, I'm a newbie and a co-dependent, so keep that in mind when you read this. I understand the basic etiquette of a meeting (ie no cross talk) but maybe I need to be pointed in the direction of a possible thread or posted guideline of the do's and don'ts of behavior on the perimeter of meetings.

I was kind of shocked when I called a group member to see if she was doing okay (she had shared an emotional story during a meeting) and she told me that if she needed to talk to someone, it would be her sponsor or someone who had been in recovery for years, not me. She also said that my calling her to see how she was doing is something I need to look at for MY recovery. Okay, I get that - I'm a co-dependent. She said I should call someone when *I* need help, not to try to help others. Somehow I felt that what I was doing was wrong. In the past, she has sought me out after meetings for chit chat and a hug, so I thought I was not doing anything wrong by trying to be friendly. I feel slapped in the face and hurt and really not too gung ho to call anyone for fear of being reprimanded.

Another "outside of the meeting" incident happend last week where a member asked how I was doing after the meeting and kept interrupting and I feel she didn't really listen to me and promptly dismissed me when her another member of the group came back into the room.

These incidents make me not want to share and reach out. I feel even more isolated than before. I will continue to go to meetings, because I like what I hear there but feel like I'm completely on my own when it comes to dicusssing things further.

What else is there that I should not do so that I don't alienate more people?

[jobongos]

whoa doggies ........... i dont know the personal dynamics involved , but just from a quick look , i gotta say, keep reaching out ! one of the first things i was taught by my sponsor was to call someone i had recently met and ask how they were doing , and be genuinely concerned.. and i was to do this daily , as an exercise.. well i still do it , gather numbers at meetings and call em ... it has taken me out of my self , and my selfishness . i have made some great friends and learned so so much ..i teach this simple exercise to my sponsee's and to my children and friends, it is the way friends and friendly people act .. yes i do run up on those who act offended or surprised or annoyed , their loss...the positive responses and reactions and benefits so outweigh all that. i am proud to be a member of a fellowship of souls whose mission is to learn to live a happy joyous and free life , and i can also say i have become a happy member of the human race because of this interaction i have learned. god bless you and press on , dont let a few deter you from learning how to live.. i have also found out that by doing this, it opens me to being accountable and easily approachable to those who can show me where i need change.

[rosebud]

Thank you for your sharing and input jobongos.

This personal dynamic with this person is the fact that she sat next to me at my first Al-Anon meeting, sharing her book with me, handing me tissues and since then (a whole three weeks), every meeting that we happen to attend together, she gives a hug and asks how I'm getting along and reminds me to keep coming back. Last week she stood behind me as I chatted with another member after a meeting, wanting to talk with me. She wanted to know why I was there and went on to talk about the first and second steps for quite some time. She hugged me, told me she loved me, she was glad I was there and to keep coming back.

When I called her today, I felt comfortable based on the previous personal dynamic, but after hearing what she had to say to me, I felt ashamed and embarassed. Yet, (bright spot here), from what I've come to understand about the program is - she has her way of being and its not my responsibility. I was reaching out, she batted me away; its about her and not about me. Could she have said what she said in a nicer tone? Yep, but I'm not in control of that; its not a reflection on me. I can want it, but I'm not guaranteed what I want. Am I a co-dependent and want to help others? Sure! I didn't want to fix anything for her; all I wanted to do was listen and I told her so.

I just don't want to make any faux pas in the future. I know I will, but I can still want not to. :wink:

[dalin]

I am not a member of alanon,but I know from my personal experiance
that alot of times I catch poeple on bad days.
Just hang in there.
We learn alot in the first year by keeping an open mind,and asking help from folks in the rooms.

[rosebud]

Thank you for your generosity, dalin and jobongos. I will hang in there and see it as an isolated incident.

My question remains - are there any no-nos (other than gossiping, repeating what was said, etc.) that I should be aware of?

[DaveH]

Rosebud,
No matter where I am, Work, Church, AA, Family, yes even family, I can run into people who are busy being a butthead. And sometimes that person is me. When it is me, I can do something about it. When it is not me, and I am not the cause, I just smile and get on with my life. Other than the obvious nos that you have pointed out, I can't think of any others. We are permitted to become people caring about someone besides ourselves.
Regards,
DaveH

[Montauktammy]

Rosebud
Hi how are you my name is tammy and you know what I have done what your friend did to a lot of people out of fear of being hurt by a newbie, it is not the right way to handle thing and I am not a member of alanon, but another program that we deal with just as much life and death as alanon, do on to others as you would have done to you is what I say when it comes out the wrong way for me sometimes I have to go back and say I am sorry to someone that is God working on me being humble and for me to know I can do the next wrong thing I just try not to. :42:

[sioux]

Thats tough one.

In my third year I had a call from a new gal that was wanting to check on me. Having been a newcomer myself and being set straight on what was my business and what wasn't, I had to let her know that I appreciated the call, but had a strong support group. I knew she had a history of spinning information, and my boundary was to learn how to not share so dang much if I didn't want my business out there. I disengaged and terminated the call.

She's still sober and so am I, and we are not friends, but we always acknowledge each other, and that's as far as it goes. I guess we are successes despite our conversation.

Some people have a way of calling to check on me that I appreciate. I have learned not to give out my phone number too. Truth is I don't want everyone calling me. I have had to learn to pick and chose who I share my current state of affairs with. I share generally in meetings, specifically with sponsors and two close friends. That's all I can manage.

Please don't take this wrong. I see her point and I see yours too. AA seems to have become, at least in my community, something beyond a fellow/femaleship. I have had to learn how to live within my own boundaries and walk away from drama fueld individuals. Trust is such a big issue, and learning to trust my own instincts, as they were slowly returned, has been a G-dsend for me.

Hope this came out without being offensive. We get to pick and chose today. All of us. Who we will spend time with, what we will share, how we will behave, where we will go, how we will get there, what we will do when we arrive. Hard stuff to learn, but not everyone wants to be our pal. I don't have what a lot of people want; imagine that.

[rosebud]

Thank you Dave, Tammy and Sioux, for your wisdom, point of view and generosity in sharing. No offense taken, Sioux, as you broaden my view of the bigger picture. Thank you.

Being new and still learning the etiquette not only of Al-Anon but of each meeting is where I'm at. I even asked (and told it was okay) for me to take notes during a meeting because some of what is said are ideas and issues that I need to look at further (and meditate and journal about).

I have to laugh - I'm such a co-dependent, I need to behave property within the meetings so that everyone will like me. At least I recognize this. One step at a time.

Thanks again, all! :42:

[treetop]

Hi Rosebud, I am a member of AA and Al anon and Al anon is different than AA.As a new person without a sponsor and not doing the steps etc. You cannot help anyone. This person was encouraging you to ask her to be your sponsor. By discussing steps one and two with you she was letting you know it was time for a sponsor and not a buddy. The blue card on the table that says whom you see here, what you hear here, let it stay here, That means it is never discussed out of that room. Al anon is different as there are not any treatment centers and working with a sponsor is critical. I have been in Al anon for a while and have the same sponsor. She still does not talk to me about any of her personnel life and none of us should. I think it is safe to say that this is not a person you really want to hang with. I recommend you go to meetings and listen for a sponsor.:85:

[CD BUCKBERRY]

rosebud,That was not kind saying that to you.We are all addicts or alcoholics and have walked the same streets in our substance abuse.She is the one who should tell her sponsor what she said to you.We are all suppose to help each other and share freely what we have been given in recovery.