janbear
06-19-2006, 10:09 AM
bluidkiti
Administrator
Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079
Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 8:02 am Post subject:
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WOMEN BEWARE!
We've all heard stories about people whose kidneys were stolen while they were passed out, but read on, because although those stories are just urban legends, this one is not and it's happening every day.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep at night and woke up in the morning with someone else's thighs, the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these? and where were mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.
Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next and I knew it was the same gang, because my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) was precisely matched to the thighs they stuck me with earlier, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.
And two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and watched in horrified fascination as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush.
This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one piece at a time. How clever and fiendish.
Age? Age has nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts, thinking, what could possibly be left for them to take? Well, my poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.
That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee.
That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?
The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs. and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!
This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS.
P.S. I must admit that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.
Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!
bluidkiti
Administrator
Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079
Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 8:02 am Post subject:
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"Save our planet...it's the only one with chocolate!"
_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!
bluidkiti
Administrator
Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079
Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 8:03 am Post subject:
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The Mommy Test
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter.
She picked up something off the ground and
started to put it in her mouth. I took the item
away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't
know where it's been, it's dirty and probably
has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with
total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do
you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," ....I was thinking quickly," All moms
know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test.
You have to know it, or they don't let you be
a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes,
but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't
pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my
face and joy in my heart.
_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!
bluidkiti
Administrator
Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079
Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 8:03 am Post subject:
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WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the
cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back
of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV
remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to
him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how
you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair
out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom
and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He
addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom
leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury,
isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he
is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the
correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls
and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought
you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see,
it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton
of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to
roll my own ............ so does she. ( this guy could be the one on the
milk carton! )
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use
a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be
because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to
his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so
stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow
me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God
made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The
husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do
it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife
replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the
man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show
me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"
_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!
bluidkiti
Administrator
Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079
Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 8:03 am Post subject:
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Now I lay me
Down to sleep
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!
bluidkiti
Administrator
Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079
Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 8:04 am Post subject:
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One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!
bluidkiti
Administrator
Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079
Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 8:04 am Post subject:
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AUNT KAREN is the mother of two high-spirited young girls. When I called her one morning, our conversation was constantly interrupted by the din of kids screaming and chasing each other. "Could you hold on for a moment?" my aunt finally asked, putting down the phone. Within ten seconds all I could hear was absolute silence. Then, "Okay, I'm back." "But it's so quiet!" I exclaimed. "You must have complete control over those two." "Not really," my aunt confessed wearily. "I'm in the closet."
_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!
bluidkiti
Administrator
Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079
Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 8:04 am Post subject:
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MID LIFE
I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be....
Puhleeeeeeeze!
I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had way back when?
Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.
That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!
bluidkiti
Administrator
Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079
Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 8:04 am Post subject:
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Slogans for Women's T-shirts
1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just
can't remember it all.
5. My Mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks
frog.
7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
10. Dinner Is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
12. I'm out of estrogen-and I have a gun.
13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
15. I hate everybody...and you're next.
16. And your point is...?
17. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
18. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
19. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
20. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
21. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
22. All stressed out and no one to choke.
23. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
24. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
25. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
26. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
27. Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!
bluidkiti
Administrator
Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079
Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 8:05 am Post subject:
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Only a woman will TRULY relate to this and husbands should understand better!
My mother was a fanatic about public bathrooms. When I was a little girl, she'd take me into the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat.
Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat. Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. By this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd have to go home to change my clothes. That was a long time ago.
Even now, in my more "mature years, "The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain, especially when one's bladder is full.
When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, who are also crossing their legs and smiling politely. You get closer and check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. The dispenser for the new fangled "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook if there was one but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly hang it around your neck (mom would turn over in her grave if You put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."
Ahhhh, relief. More relief.
But then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance" as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off of your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you would have tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle, and sliding down, directly onto the insidious toilet seat. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late - your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because you're certain that her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain that suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged off to China. At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and, at this point, no longer able to smile politely.
One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River!
(Where was it when you NEEDED it??)
You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this." As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has since entered, used and exited the men's restroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs!!!
It's so the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex under the door.
_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!
bluidkiti
Administrator
Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079
Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 8:05 am Post subject:
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Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that
aren't as good, but easy.......
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in
reality,
they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come
along,
the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the
tree.
Now Men... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's
up to women to stomp the sh*t out of them until they turn into
something
acceptable to have dinner with.
_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!
bluidkiti
Administrator
Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079
Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 8:05 am Post subject:
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Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained
that her back was really sore from moving furniture.
"So why didn't you wait till your husband got home?"
someone asked.
"I could, have" my mother told the group, " but the
couch is easier to move if he's not on it."
_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!
bluidkiti
Administrator
Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079
Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 8:06 am Post subject:
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I told my wife I feel old, fat, bald, useless, and stupid. She said, "Don't be
silly you're not that bald."
_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!
bluidkiti
Administrator
Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079
Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 8:06 am Post subject:
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GONNA BE A BEAR
In this life I'm a woman. In my next life I'd like to come back as a bear.
When your're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that. (I love this one!) Laughing
If you're a bear, your mate expects you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup, gonna be a bear!
_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!
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