Detachment...Melody Beattie

[clean42day]

Detachment


Detachment doesn't come naturally for many of us. But once we realize
the value of this recovery principle, we understand how vital detachment
is. The following story illustrates how a woman came to understand
detachment.

"The first time I practiced detachment was when I let go of my alcoholic
husband. He had been drinking for seven years, since I had married him.
For that long, I had been denying his alcoholism and trying to make him
stop drinking.

"I did outrageous things to make him stop drinking, to make him see the
light, to make him realize how much he was hurting me. I really thought
I was doing things right by trying to control him.

"One night, I saw things clearly. I realized that my attempts to control
him would never solve the problem. I also saw that my life was
unmanageable. I couldn't make him do anything he didn't want to do. His
alcoholism was controlling me, even though I wasn't drinking.

"I set him free, to do as he chose. The truth is, he did as he pleased
anyway. Things changed the night I detached. He could feel it, and so
could I. When I set him free, I set myself free to live my own life.

"I've had to practice the principle of detachment many times since then.
I've had to detach from unhealthy people and healthy people. It's never
failed. Detachment works."

Detachment is a gift. It will be given to us when we're ready for it.
When we set the other person free, we are set free....M.B.

[clean42day]

He could feel it, and so
could I. When I set him free, I set myself free to live my own life.


No matter how many times people told me to get out of God's way, I couldn't hear them.

3 attempts at getting clean and sober withing a relationship included 2 rehabs, 2 relapses, and trying to save "him" along with me. it was too much.
the first time I got clean and he followed me into recovery, I managed to get 6 months and he managed to get 3. Then one day while walking to the pizza parlor together, we passed the dope spot. We only had 20 dollars and at the same time we looked at eachother, our eyes met and we turned right back around and bought of 20 of crack. no resistance on either of our parts, it's what we knew how to do.

second time I had six months alone and he didn't follow me into recovery. and had "kindof" let him go, but not complelty. I thought I had surrendered my addiction, but I had certainly not completly surrendered him. The thought of letting go and detaching felt like condeming him to death in some ways. so I would stop by every now and then and try to drag him to a meeting with me. no matter how many times he told me he was not willing....I couldn't hear him. the words would not make it past my denial and control issues. finally when i got into enough pain and fear in my own recovery, I rationalized the thought, that I didn't get clean to be so alone and lonley wihtout him. he was stronger in his addiction than I was in my recovery and again I joined him and relapsed.

This time, I was convinced that I would die and I wanted to save my life at all costs. and he was part of that cost. I let go and gave him back to god. I prayed for him daily. he would call occasionally and I would say you can meet me in a meeting, other than that I cannot see you. at 6 months clean I still had not seen him once, nor did I call him. he finally realized I was serious and that I was moving on with my life. during that time my whole life opened up to new possibilities, opportunities and I had a new energy to spend on me since I wasn't spending it worrying about him.

One day he called me for a list of sober living homes. I gave him the list and that was the beginning of his journey. I stayed away for the first year of his recovery because I wanted to make sure he was doing it for him and not me.

last month he took a 3 year chip, is the manager of a mens sober living, has been a straight A student for 2 years majoring in music production, and tutors not only music students, but tuttored me in math for 2 years!!!!!

We are best friends now and have a better relationship as friends than we ever did for the 15 years we were together.

I gave him to God and God gave him back to me in a whole new way.

Miracles happen in recovery everyday, but sometimes we must detach and step back and away long enough to watch them happen from a distance.

God could do what I could not and I finally got out of the way long enough to let him:1:

[flickchic]

Gail, what a wonderful share, thankyou so much for sharing another piece of your journey...The post you placed, by M.B. is very good also and so true; "when I set him free I set myself free to live my own life"....

Just over 10 years ago a friend took me along to ALANON with her. I had been trying for so long to get my ex husband to cease drinking. He was such an emotionaly abusive man to me, I was a very lonely withdrawn person a lot of the time. Yes, I also drank, however not to a comatose state by 7pm each night and I wasn't cleaning out the profits of our business....I do accept my part though in active alcoholism.....he was fully blown by then and I couldn't cope with it anymore. Anyway Sept. 10 years ago, after threatening for quite a few months I finally found the courage to tell him to leave. Ironically after about 1 month he became dry, however never 'sober', he lost weight and made a huge effort with the children...eventually...I on the other hand did do well for a while, about 13 months, I was going out and drinking moderately. I met someone else, thought I'd fallen head over....that someone else happens to be the father of Charlie girl and step father to Lachlan....the one I was having major resentment issues with recently. Anyway after 6 months I asked him to move in with me....at the time and prior I was a reasonably heaver pot user as was he....I still hadn't woken up to the unhealthyness of that one!!! Sad to say I got very hooked with this man, the dv began and got worse and worse...I was a head mess, eventually went to a pysc ward and then left to go to a women's shelter....I didn't get better...I got worse and worse....more alcohol, more pot, then I met Blake's dad and was introduced to amphetmines. As we injected I became addicted in a hurry, tried heroin and crack. More and more pot, more amphets, heaps and heaps of booze and lost children....domestic violence continually. To the point we became homeless, he beat me to a pulp over money for a "fix", I went to hospital, then another women's shelter. I have shared my recovery since then...I spent another lengthy time alone, still boozing and using pot, met Mark, had many ups and downs, he's left me twice and returned. One of those times being in Jan this year when I joined here! Slowly over the past few months I have learnt to let go more and more of my need to control him, let him be an individual and am learning to become one myself again, in a much healthier way than I ever ever did in the past....no pot, no booze, no amphets. And yes I can now see how setting someone else free I can be free in myself, through detachment Mark and I are becoming much better friends, intimate in the true sense and growing together with a lot more peace and contentment, and I some serenity. I know I became a bit needy again recently from the op and all the medication, however I feel back on track and we have come through the other side, together, even more stronger and closer. Yes miracles do happen every day in recovery; 6 months ago I would never have dreamt of being where I am at right here and now, and I wouldn't want to go back there for anything. I think my neediness of recent and behaviour resulting from the meds and unstable emotions was more than enough to remind me of how far I truly have changed and for me that is such a God send...yes "a miracle" to me.
Sad to share my ex husband stayed dry for a few years and then slowly began to drink again...he never sobered....always kept the attitudes and is still emotionally abusive. such a shame, he has a two year old daughter that we all love and another one on the way. anyway I am able to get along with him a lot better of late also and I pass no judgement on his choices and I have learnt how to keep my mouth shut re his behaviour.
I pray he drys out again, for the benefit of all his children, the two eldest of mine are with him. He and his current partner are very much dancing the dance and it is hard to watch, however that is the way it has to be.

thank's again Gail and thank's for making it possible for me to share my experience in detachment.

[fibiray]

I am learning so much about this subject lately as I have a hubby who is an ACOA and who has his own issues. It is frustrating living in a household where one is working a program and the other isn't. A recent moral inventory has highlighted some of my defects of character and has humbled me enough to detach with love. I seem to take two steps forward then one back but I am getting there slowly. thats me