Newbie...

[Waking]

Hello to you all,

I decided to Just do it, NOW, just sign up. So I have... and I'm sitting here feeling a sort of dread and relief in my stomach.
I hold it together just about in the week, but when I hit the weekend, I push that boat right out. I hate that feeling of turning over a new leaf every Monday, and failing, and failing, and failing... I am so ashamed that I can't even speak freely to my Therapist. I hope that online can help me find my tongue.

I have kept coming back here for the last week or so, and am pretty shocked at the quizzes, the excuses, and thinking OHMIGOSH THAT'S ME!

And I know I can go lower... so I've called myself Waking in the hope that this really is a new dawn.

I'm pretty in awe of all your stories.
Thanks for having me.

Wx

[janbear]

Hi Waking, glad you shared with us. Please continue to look around the board and i hope you will feel at home to where you can use that voice of yours. :42: "One day at a time"

[zoomie]

Hi and welcome!!!

[admin]

Hi ((((Waking)))), :46: I and many others here have been right where you are at now. You are not alone. We are here for you and understand what you are feeling. Please feel free to continue to share with us. Feel free to ask any questions you may have and keep coming back. :42:

Love,
Tammy

[Waking]

Wow, what an amazingly fast response...
Thank you for your welcome. I really don't know where to start or what to say, I'm just reading around and following the links. I see some online meetings which seem like a place to start, and I can feel the difference between thinking about sober today (easy) and then forward to sober this coming weekend (terrifying)... each tiny day at a time.... I just can't stop myself in that moment of rebellion and anxiety....
I have asked for strength so many times, I'm so known as the 'party-girl' which I hate, taking any opportunity to drink, even at children's parties... I feel so ashamed of myself, and although it's a binge drinking thing, I feel like I have no control and I'm so unhappy that everything feels futile and pointless... every weekend is another drag under the waves crashing on the shingle before climbing exhausted onto the shore again and it ME who does it to myself. Of course when I'm drunk, it's never enough now, so I seek drugs too, anything to be 'UP' and avoid the loneliness inside which inevitably bites me again, sometimes even there-and-then, not just in the morning like it used to be - a hollow and empty social screen of fun and youth...

So why can't I stop??? that question led me here...

Thanks for listening
Wx

[admin]

Hi (((Waking))), Have you ever gone to any AA meetings? My suggestion if you don't wish to drink on the weekends then is to plan your weekend with activities and such that don't include drinking. When I came to AA, I attended meetings on the weekend - sometimes 2 or 3 in a day. I planned things to do which didn't include drinking. I was told I needed to change my playpen and playmates. Well my playpen was my home and by the time I got in AA, I didn't have any playmates but did like to talk on the phone when drinking to whomever would listen. When I went to the meetings, I would arrive early and help set up and talk to others as they came. After the meeting, I would help clean up and hang around and talk to others. Sometimes some of us would go out for breakfast or lunch. The change doesn't occur overnight but over time. Plus I had a family also - hubby and 3 daughters. I planned things to do with them, like watching movies, going to the park and so on. If you haven't gone to any AA meetings, then I suggest trying at least one. You don't have to talk when you go if you don't want to. You can just go and listen. I know we can't go with you in person but we will be with you in spirit, thought and prayer. Whatever you decide to do, please continue to come here and talk with us. You are always welcome. At times when I couldn't make meetings, I attended online meetings, hung around AA chatrooms and message boards and have made many online friends along the way and have an online family right here at this site. We are here for you. :42:

Love,
Tammy

[Waking]

No, I'm too scared...
I work in a small town as a healthcare professional, I was brought up a catholic, I don't want to go... :frown: too scared... I know if I were to meet someone there then we would have something in common, but I hate the thought of people gossiping, my professional identity is the only thing I have and I'm ashamed of myself.

I also fear the God bit a little to be honest. being a catholic it's really hard for me to separate love and judgement. If I can take the gentle bits in, then it will be OK, I think I have to work up to going. I have weekly therapy though and actually posting here earlier made it possible for me to cry properly for the first time in my Therapy this evening - which was awful at the time, but I feel much more hopeful now I survived the pain!!

I feel like I have a lifeline now though, I think just admitting formally to myself that I identify with everything I've read and just because I don't drink every day doesn't mean I don't have a problem drinking safely... I have a big problem and reading how much everyone else struggled and where things got to, I don't want to step any further along this road.

Perhaps I should post in another thread - I am afraid of taking too much or getting things wrong, which is part of my underlying problem - thanks for your help already. I really apreciate it

Wx

[admin]

Hey Waking, If you are not ready to go to meetings that is ok. :42: Please feel free to continue to share with us here. I was scared also in the beginning. We also have a forum on the board here that many of us use in our everyday recovery lives called Online Journals/Diaries. Feel free to start a journal in there if you like. Feel free to post anywhere you like on the board here. Keep coming back - we are here for you. Share with us all you like. :42:

Love,
Tammy

[SkinnyNinja]

Hey Waking, your situation sounds similar to what mine was in that I was never willing to go to AA meetings at first...I was terrified of them and hated the idea of sharing or speaking in front of a group. I was exposed to AA a few times but wasn't willing to accept them as my solution so I kept drinking.

At some point, however, I was "beat down" enough that I decided to ask for help...and they told me to go to meetings. I was finally willing to give them a try. I went to a long term program and I had to go to a meeting every day and eventually it did get easier.

I don't go to meetings every single day anymore but I work at a treatment center and all of my friends are in recovery...I'm surrounded by a great support system of positive people, which really grew out of my earlier attendance at AA meetings. If you can just get past the initial fear of "what all these people will think of me." Good luck to you.

[cassie]

Hi Waking:smile:
Sorry I didn't say this earlier - welcome to the group. I am cassie, grateful recovering alcoholic.

Being here, in a safe place, helped me take steps to expand my recovery. I learned to step out in faith and put aside a lot of fear. That has resulted in open arms, shoulders to lean on and non-judgmental acceptance of me and my flaws. Starting each day and ending each day here sets a positive tone and pace for the next 24 and the nice thing is that is open 24/7. :29:

I hope you will keep coming back to share. You don't have to do this alone anymore. :42:

[Waking]

Thanks to you all for this gentleness, it's such a contrast to my own inner voice and I'm glad just to have a little space to stand in here. I will keep coming back because this is what I heard most yesterday in trying to speak online and join a meeting.

I feel already much more safe, and I know it's a hard journey ahead...

:1:

Wx

[Prescott]

Hi Waking and welcome to our group. There's a great bunch of ladies here with very good recovery, love and support. "WE" have been where you are now and know it's not easy to accept that our drinking was ruling our lives. I for one had to really hit a very low bottom before I became willing to try recovery and AA. Recovery saved my life and gave me a new life I can be proud of today. We're a family here and do not judge. We all earned our seats in these rooms and support each other as we go through life in recovery. Please share here all you want and keep coming back.

[Doraine]

Welcome Waking. I too tried to avoid going to AA meetings when I first got sober. An outpatient treatment center sent me to meetings and required I get a sponser and get active. I did and that was 19 years ago. You can't get sober alone but WE can do it together. Over time you'll get over your feeling of shame as you stay sober. :72: Doraine.

[Aprilskyzz]

Hello Walking. I felt the same way about going to meetings and when I first started going I was thinking "what's the point". I do not share at the meetings so why am I here. I continued to go though and now I really get something out of them. I still do not share, but I listen. I find that there is hope and that I can stay clean if I really want it and believe me, I really want it.

This site has helped me out so much. I am better with writing down my thoughts then verbalizing them and in here, I have that opportunity. I really appreciate all the replies I get and all of the support. Keep coming back and you too might get the same satifaction. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing a good thing coming here and sharing so give yourself some credit. Hope your day goes well.

April