blombard
09-27-2008, 10:19 PM
I am seeking advice with a multilayered problem that involves addiction, ACoA and dysfunction. I am the mother of two boys age 17 and 20. I am also a teacher of 25 years and in a long term relationship with an alcoholic/ACOA. Recently I had two occasions to experience moving away from dysfunction. The first was involving my job and a narcisistic (sp?) boss, (at least that is one diagnosis). Last year I went through an attack by him and a union grievance that was resolved in my favor, but did not change his behavior. I recently left and quit a situation where I realized I had put myself in an unsafe position. I felt empowered by the move, and am no longer fearful of communicating, acting etc. that he stopped me from last year.
The other situation was with my boys and their dad. We have been divorced for 14 years, but have shared custody and mostly cooperated on their upbringing. He was emotionally abusive and manipulative to me. He has always been supportive of the boys and they are doing well in life, school etc. I had issues with how mad he would get over accidents, but for the most part he was a good dad. Recently, he made the decision to get back together with an old girlfriend who is seriously messed up. The boys were stunned and I realized later, horrified. Their dad began to use manipulation to try to get them to support his decision. I was hit with the fact that the abuse, dysfunction etc. they had experienced with the girlfriend was huge for them. I saw them try to set boundaries, but when their dad tried pushing them, I saw them using strategies I had used just to make peace and suck up all the anger themselves. I am going to get family counseling for them and for me and was able to communicate to their father my concerns and their pain.
Through all of this my partner/boyfriend, who doesn't live in the same town, and I were talking. But I had to end conversations. I wasn't sure what was wrong,only that I could not listen to the same world view that was dysfunctional. He has always admitted to being a functional alcoholic, from a long line of alcoholics but I had never thought about him also being a ACoA. When I communicated the difficulty I was having with his daughter, she attributed the fixing thing to ACoA. I started looking into it and all the problems we've had were suddenly understandable. I know I need to seek counseling, AlAnon, and recover myself. I am seeking advice on how to proceed, I care about him and would love to see him seek out help. But I am not sure if I should communicate with him about what I am doing/thinking (we are not communicating at present) or just take the space and work on me and my boys getting help. Any advice on this and how to find a good counselor for the kids and me would be appreciated. This was a big aha for me and I learned alot from reading other postings. Thanks, Becky :idea:
The other situation was with my boys and their dad. We have been divorced for 14 years, but have shared custody and mostly cooperated on their upbringing. He was emotionally abusive and manipulative to me. He has always been supportive of the boys and they are doing well in life, school etc. I had issues with how mad he would get over accidents, but for the most part he was a good dad. Recently, he made the decision to get back together with an old girlfriend who is seriously messed up. The boys were stunned and I realized later, horrified. Their dad began to use manipulation to try to get them to support his decision. I was hit with the fact that the abuse, dysfunction etc. they had experienced with the girlfriend was huge for them. I saw them try to set boundaries, but when their dad tried pushing them, I saw them using strategies I had used just to make peace and suck up all the anger themselves. I am going to get family counseling for them and for me and was able to communicate to their father my concerns and their pain.
Through all of this my partner/boyfriend, who doesn't live in the same town, and I were talking. But I had to end conversations. I wasn't sure what was wrong,only that I could not listen to the same world view that was dysfunctional. He has always admitted to being a functional alcoholic, from a long line of alcoholics but I had never thought about him also being a ACoA. When I communicated the difficulty I was having with his daughter, she attributed the fixing thing to ACoA. I started looking into it and all the problems we've had were suddenly understandable. I know I need to seek counseling, AlAnon, and recover myself. I am seeking advice on how to proceed, I care about him and would love to see him seek out help. But I am not sure if I should communicate with him about what I am doing/thinking (we are not communicating at present) or just take the space and work on me and my boys getting help. Any advice on this and how to find a good counselor for the kids and me would be appreciated. This was a big aha for me and I learned alot from reading other postings. Thanks, Becky :idea: