AA or your way?

[rwatkins1013]

Hi Mike,

So I just watched one of your videos and it states that instead of focusing on not drinking, that I should focus on something else (like what I do want). I can understand the idea, but as a previous addict, it seems like my mind would constantly tell me "Why I need a drink" which often over-powered my want to stay sober. How do you suggest a person handle this and how does that differ from a "One day at a time approach?" After all, I have done a pretty good job at justifying my behavior when I was using....it's my birthday, it's not my birthday, work was a killer today, I need to have some fun...I'm sure you know the list.

I would like to know what you have to say if you have time.

Thanks,

rwatkins1013

[alcoholrehabcoach]

...instead of focusing on not drinking, that I should focus on something else (like what I do want). I can understand the idea, but as a previous addict, it seems like my mind would constantly tell me...


RW,

Thanks very much for your question.

I have often heard people arguing about religion. One guy says his way is right. The other guy says his way is right. Next thing you know, wars are being fought with each side trying to prove their way to the other.


The way I feel is:

1. The truth can stand on it's own. It doesn't need me to defend or prove it to anyone.

2. When I am totally secure in what I believe to be true, there is no fear of it being challenged or tested by others. In fact, I welcome every test and challenge of what I believe is true. If my understanding upholds, I win. If my understanding improves, I win!



In the case of God, heaven, religion, enlightenment... I like the Buddha's view. "Rather than saying you have found 'the' way, think of it as having found 'a' way". Similarly, in the case of alcoholism and the age old comparison between AA and any other way, my response is always "You must find a way that works for you."

And that's where it gets really interesting, because "finding a way that works for me" means me taking responsibility for the solution, not just for the problem! As I've said elsewhere, it means being able to respond to situations in a way that serves your purpose.

So you have one guy trying to assert his religion over another. You have one guy trying to assert his recovery method over another. And you have countless examples of people fighting and trying to convince other people of what they should believe.

Drama.

Now let's look even closer. Let's just imagine that your mind has conflicting views about something. :wink: For example, part of your mind, lets call it the Positive Mind (which wants you to experience pleasure), wants you to have a drink. You come home from a hard day of work, and your Positive Mind says, "Ah. A drink will be really good right now."

And then another part of you, let's call it your Negative Mind (which wants you to avoid pain) wants you to stay sober. You come home from work, and your Negative Mind screams "Stay away from the liquor cabinet!"

Does it sound familiar?

Now before I go any further, what do you think is really the challenge here?


Mike
The secret to break any bad habit or addiction (http://www.highsteadalcoholtreatment.com/2008/06/17/there-is-always-a-choice/)

[rwatkins1013]

I would have to say after reading your post, the challenge is how can I get the pleasure, comfort, satisfaction etc, that I am seeking in a manner that better serves me....but I guess the issue for me was that I had practiced so well programing my mind to think of the drink first. I spent a lot of time perfecting that behavior...bet you did too! How do you stop that?

Thanks for taking the time to respond!

rw

[alcoholrehabcoach]

The challenge is how can I get the pleasure, comfort, satisfaction etc, that I am seeking in a manner that better serves me....but!


I can understand the idea, but!


Perhaps you have heard somewhere that whenever we say "but" it negates whatever we said before that.


Yes, there is certainly a challenge to getting your needs met in a manner that better serves you. In fact, I'd say that's essential to unlocking the door of your dis-ease.

And yes, I also agree you don't completely understand the idea of how to do that. Yet.


Try this: When might a negative thought serve you?

[rwatkins1013]

That one takes some thought....I would have to say a negative thought can serve me when I associate the consequences of the negative thought...said differently, to help me gain leverage to support a different behavior. An example might me that I don't want to drink because....I will loose my family, could loose my job, further damage my liver etc. When does a negaive thought serve you?

[alcoholrehabcoach]

An example might me that I don't want to drink because....I will lose my family, could lose my job, further damage my liver etc. When does a negative thought serve you?

Good.

The problem is many people assume negative thoughts are "bad". They have learned that to think negatively is wrong, destructive, disempowering...And the moment they have the thought, they let it escalate into a bad feeling about themselves or their situation.

I have learned that whenever I have negative thoughts..."I'm a loser, I'm lazy, It's too much work, It won't work, It's too hard, I'm too tired, I can't do it..." It's just part of my mind trying it's best to protect me. I see it as one third of mind, my "Negative Mind", doing its job to help me avoid some potential pain. Be it the pain of failure, loss, effort, disappointment...whatever. My negative mind is stomping on the brakes: "NO! DON'T DO IT!"

And, I have learned that for EVERY negative thought, there is a polar opposite thought that can also be considered. Those thoughts come from another third of my mind, call it the Positive Mind, which wants me to experience pleasure. In contrast to my negative mind, my positive mind serves up such mental delicacies as "I'm awesome, energetic, invincible, capable, amazing, beautiful, wonderful, flexible, it's easy, I can do it..." My positive mind is hammering on the accelerator: "YES! LET'S GO FOR IT!"

So that's where the drama begins. You see all human behavior can be reduced to one of two primary mental impulses. Either the need to avoid pain, or the desire to gain pleasure. And it's that constant conflict going on in our heads, that creates all our problems. We are so often torn between polar opposite points of view! Part of us wants the chocolate cake. Part of us wants the healthy body!

You're on the right track, RW. Now give me any example of a time when there was no question in your mind of what you needed to do, and there was no conflict in your mind preventing you from doing it. No second guessing or doubting of anything at all. You simply knew what to do and you did it.

Can you give me an example?


Mike

[rwatkins1013]

Hello again,

First let me apologize for taking so long to respond. Secondly, this should have been easy, but I typically analyze everything to death (a trait that my wife adores about me) and this was no different. After some thought, Yes. I can.

One such time was when I quit drinking some years ago. One of the things that I knew that I had to do, with out question for me, was go to college. I stopped drinking and started school and for the first 2 years made a 4.0. Something I hadn't achieved since maybe the 6th grade.

What was great about that, looking back now, is that was what I used to replace my bad, dysfunctional, abusive behavior. I don't think I have ever thought of it in that light before. Anyway, I don't know why that was the thing I felt I had to do without question, but it was.....and how lucky I am for having made that replacement! :85:

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Hello again,

...One of the things that I knew that I had to do, with out question for me, was go to college. I stopped drinking and started school and for the first 2 years made a 4.0...

What was great about that, looking back now, is that was what I used to replace my bad, dysfunctional, abusive behavior... :85:

Perfect. So let's apply that example to the challenge at hand of learning to manage our thoughts.

Years ago, when my daughter was in her teens and we were talking about making good decisions, she said: "Daddy what you're saying is ridiculous. People don't sit there and analyse every decision they have to make. They just go ahead and do it."

My response was, "Well, when people come to a stop sign, how do they know whether to turn left or right?"

She immediately replied "They already know where they are go..oh! They already know where they are going!"

Yeah. When you already know your essential path or purpose, then you can park your mind in neutral at anytime you like, clearly assess your options, and decide which way to turn. The chocolate cake. Or the healthy body. The extra shooter. Or the taxi home.

So in your case RW, you had clearly decided on something that was more important to you than drinking.

Holding those reasons in both your head and your heart, you were consistently able to counter your mind's positive impulses to enjoy the pleasures of drinking, with your mind's negative impulses to caution you against messing up your grades.

That's my view on it. But as everyone knows, when someone else says something, it's simply their opinion. But when we say it ourselves, then of course it is the truth! Right?

So what do you think of my neutral mind analogy? What does knowing your purpose have to do with your original question of...

...as a previous addict, it seems like my mind would constantly tell me "Why I need a drink" which often over-powered my want to stay sober. How do you suggest a person handle this?

rwatkins1013


Mike Highstead
Free Alcohol Rehab Videos (http://habitbuster.com/)
http://www.highsteadalcoholtreatment.com/

[rwatkins1013]

For me, when I decided what I truly wanted and I had enough leverage to make me want to quit, I was able to make the choices I needed to make. I had a positive focus (school), I had a negative focus (the want to not go to jail if I continued my drinking habits) and I was able to sit in the middle to make the choices that I needed to make...your neutral. So that is how it worked for me, do you think that is what happens when everone quits? I really never considered that before?

Thanks for your help and response to my posts, its very interesting. I do however wish someone else would chime in so you could ask them some hard questions! I haven't had to think this hard since me Freshman year! :162: I knew I could figure out a way to use that icon! I love it...it makes me smile for some odd reason. Anyway, I have to run. Have a great day!