Dealing with Disagreeable People

[francie21805]

Dealing with Disagreeable People

A topic that comes up pretty regularly in AA is the problems of dealing with disagreeable people, whether they are spouses, ex-spouses, parents, siblings, neighbors, bosses, customers, co-workers, etc… Whatever the relationship, I can find myself reacting to them in unpleasant ways, leaving me with fear, resentment, bitterness, disgust, and/or anxiety. I keep trying new ways to deal with them, and nothing seems to work.

How can I deal with disagreeable people effectively while protecting my sobriety and my mental well-being? The Twelve Step program gives me some useful ideas. The first thing for me to remember is that the problem is me, not the other person. This is spelled out in the “Twelve and Twelve”—where it says whenever we’re disturbed, we’re at fault. This tells me that I set myself up. People press my buttons, but I put the buttons there.

I can get these people out of my life by moving, getting a divorce, or quitting my job, but the surprising thing is that I might meet the same kinds of people in any new situation. I don’t solve my problems by running away from them.

The Program’s answer is to put on my spiritual armor. I turn all of these people and problems over to my Higher Power, understanding that they have rights also and are children of God just as I am. I should also search for anything I might be doing that feeds the problem. I might be expecting too much from others and of myself. But as I change my own thinking, my relationships must also change.

How have you dealt with disagreeable people?

[letgo]

I have to agree with much of what you say - Thank You.
I'll just add that when my expectations kick in, my emotional sobriety suffers. So I try to have Hope rather than arrange outcomes in my head, or decide how I think people should behave. According to whose standards? Mine??? I know all too well what happens when I get into the "driving seat"!
"I can't, 'He' can, Let him"

[dalin]

Dealing With Disagreeable People: Practice Principles before Personalities.

I attended a meeting on Dealing With Disagreeable People recently and took notes for myself. I liked this topic because it seems to come up a lot for my sponsee’s and myself right now. So, I thought: Do what you always did, and you’ll get what you always got. I figured that I would take in a few new suggestions. The biggest suggestion for me, is from the steps,where it says, “Practice Principles Before Personalities in All Our Affairs.” These notes are both me brainstorming and others experiences, strength and hope. I split is up topically for myself. I figured, maybe they could help some of you, too. Please, take what you need and leave the rest!

1) Remember: I am the only one who stands between me and my recovery…anything else is an excuse!!!
2) You Start your day over at anytime!
3) Pray for them.
4) Communication:
a. I learned to just thank people for their suggestions (unwanted or not) and move on immediately.
b. Listen: What are they really saying?
c. Ask questions, get clarity.
d. Practice Principles before Personalities.
e. Remember: We are all fallible and we all have our moments.
f. Do the next right thing.
g. It’s OK to admit that we’re not experienced in something and ask for help. Don’t worry about trying to hide our lack of experience and “ACT” like we know how to do something we don’t.
h. Treat others like you’d like to be treated even when they’re difficult.
i. You may be angry because this is something you have been avoiding for awhile. Does this person really deserve all your bound up energies?
j. Think To Yourself: How serious is it? (Pick your battles wisely)
k. You can Agree to Disagree.
l. Don’t give people your buttons to push!
m. Boundaries and Limitations: Set Them – Use them – Follow Them!
n. Can you at least Remove yourself from the situation momentarily to regroup yourself?
o. Let the other person know you understand them and openly speak to them what you hear them saying. Sometimes, that is all they want to know….Not that we agree, but that we understand where they are coming from.
p. You may want to be aware: Is it in your nature to be argumenitive?
q. Others don’t always want our opinions and suggestions. They are often better received when asked for.

5) Business Management: With difficult people, I’ve learned to make a couple of statements when folks start to freak out and get irate, abusive, or defensive.
a. I just say, “If you’d like few minutes to compose yourself, that’s fine. We can finish this in 5 or 10 minutes.”
b. In the same, Can you at least remove yourself from the situation momentarily to regroup yourself?
c. I also use, “I am not trying to judge you or cut you down, I am just trying to find a solution to the issue that we have.”
d. Practice Principles before Personalities.
e. Remember: We are all fallible and we all have our moments.
f. Do the next right thing.
g. Know that: Fear, resentment, disgust, anxiety can all be an Outcome of a conversation that didn’t go my way.
h. Compromise: Goes 2 ways. Don’t ask what you can’t give!
i. You may be angry because this is something you have been avoiding for awhile. Does this person really deserve all your bound up energies?
j. Think To Yourself: How serious is it? (Pick your battles wisely)
k. Can you can Agree to Disagree?
l. Don’t give people your buttons to push!
m. Boundaries and Limitations: Set Them – Use them – Follow Them!
n. Let the other person know you understand them and openly speak to them what you hear them saying. Sometimes, that is all they want to know….Not that we agree, but that we understand where they are coming from.
o. You may want to be aware: Is it in your nature to be argumenitive?

6) Acceptance: Let people be where their at!
a. Can you at least remove yourself from the situation momentarily to regroup yourself?
b. Pray the Serenity Prayer to deal with your strong negative emotions.
c. Know they are sick people, too.
d. Remember, it is not our job to change everyone’s opinions or actions.
e. Remember: I can only change me!
f. Some of the things others, including family, do or think is none of our business.
g. Practice Principles before Personalities. (Remember it is a spiritual program in and out of these rooms)
h. Remember: We are all fallible and we all have our moments.
i. Do the next right thing.
j. Know that: Fear, resentment, disgust, anxiety can all be an Outcome of a conversation that didn’t go my way.
k. Compromise: Goes 2 ways. Don’t ask or expect what you can’t give.
l. You may be angry because this is something you have been avoiding for awhile. Does this person really deserve all your bound up energies?
m. Think To Yourself: How serious is it? (Pick your battles wisely)
n. Can you Agree to Disagree?
o. Did you give this person your buttons to push?
p. You may want to be aware: Is it in your nature to be argumenitive?
q. Boundaries and Limitations: Set Them – Use them – Follow Them!
r. Others don’t always want our opinions and suggestions. They are often better received when asked for.
s. Make a gratitude list: What can you be grateful for?
i. Example: She bosses me around a lot, but she gives me good affirmations, or she pays we well for the job when finished.

Sometimes we just have to pray our a$$es off and be silent.

[Chuckt]

I try really hard to remember what I did to my own life, who am I to judge anyone. There are many things an alcoholic has to forego, resentments, jealousy, judgement of others....we trade things for our sobriety. A trade I'm grateful to make. Don't let people or situations rent space in your head. It gets easier and you'll get better at it! The AA Second Reader helped me with a lot of issues.